forever an Enigma, learning to be ok with not knowing, living with memories, memories, mysterious or made up, obituaries, purple flowers, visiting the past
“You might question a winkle – a feeling that came to you right out of the blue – but you didn’t question knowing.” ― Stephen King
I wrote this post last week. I was not sure I was going to post it.
Last night as I was in bed drifting off to sleep, out of the blue, Enigma came to mind. He is the guy I mentioned in these posts from November 2020:
I immediately got up and went to Google. I don’t like to check on people I have dated. I feel that every time I look back, it prevents me from embracing my present and future. Every time I look back it sets me back.
But this time, I didn’t stop to think if I was going to look back or not. I had to do it. It was already midnight, I was tired, and had to wake up early the next morning. Still, I had to do it. I had to look him up.
“There’s always someone who knows something.” ― Stephen King
It had been over 2 years; I couldn’t remember the exact spelling of his last name. I spend a long time just googling whatever I could think of. Searching phone numbers was useless. On the brief time we interacted he changed numbers 3 times.
Then I started attaching the names of towns I thought he lived at to different last names. After a couple of hours…yes, that is how long it took me. I wouldn’t give up. I become a dog with a bone any time I want to try to find any information.
Then I found his obituary!!
He passed away in September. I was shocked, and yet not surprised… if that makes any sense to you. It was shocking because he was so young – he was a month shy of 50 years old. I was not surprised because there was always a lot danger in the stories he told me. It seemed to me he was reckless when it came to his well being. It is difficult to describe him.
Now, the next step was to find out how he died. And that is where Miss Can Find Anything on the Internet came up empty handed.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” ―
There was nothing, not a hint, not a clue. In the obituary/memorial site there were only 7 comments, and they were all about what a great person he was and words of comfort to his family.
I then was able to find his ex-wife’s Facebook. There were 154 comments on her post of his passing. There was not a single hint from the post or the comments as to how he passed.
For some reason I suspect that it had something to do with the war in Ukraine. He had mentioned his involvement with a private military company in Russia. He mentioned that was scheduled to go and do some work overseas for them. I don’t want to reveal the name of the company here and some other details.
I don’t know if all he told me was true or not. Or perhaps it was make believe. I don’t know, and probably never will. He will remain an Enigma to me. So gentle and caring, a teacher and volunteer; and then there was this other side that seemed incredibly dangerous and reckless.
TCM, I believe in your kindness and good heart. I hope that you have found peace and contentment where you are. Thank you for our brief encounter, flowers and the book!
(I still have the little purple flowers that he gave me on our date. I dried them and kept them in a vase on my counter in my bathroom. I am not sure why I did that. I never kept any flowers from any date – something about not wanting to think of them)
“When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”
― William Shakespeare