Tag Archives: help

Not just faces, they do have names

28 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.
” Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, ‘Wait and Hope.” ― Alexandre Dumas

A couple of days ago I was walking through Grand Central and a man on a wheelchair looked familiar.  He reminded me of Milton.  Please see here for a post about Milton– https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2013/07/16/milton-my-new-friend/

He had his back to me as I passed.  I went by him and then turned around and went back.  It could have been Milton.  I had to make sure.  I approached him and said: Milton?  He said: no.  I asked what was his name and he said: Cedric.

I was a bit sad it was not Milton, but then again I like thinking he is living comfortably in an apartment somewhere in NY City.   I asked Cedric where he lives and he said he sleeps in a shelter. I asked him if he knew Milton.  He said they never crossed paths.

I thought for a second  about the fact that Cedric didn’t say he lives in a shelter.  He said he sleeps in a shelter. A shelter is just a place to sleep at night.  Laura (I am talking about her next) told me that on rainy days she had to go and sit in a diner because she could stay in the shelter.  I cannot imagine not having a place to call home, a place to actually live at.  We that do have a place to call home are so blessed.  Think about that for a second.

Anytime I saw Milton I would stop and talk, and also give him a couple of dollars.  More important than the money I think it was the time and attention. He was always smiling. He had told me that the city of New York was getting him an apartment but it was going to be far, not in Midtown, probably in the Bronx somewhere.  Every month was the same story, NY City is working on the apartment.  It is coming soon.  I held on to that hope along with him.

“Love is not patronizing and charity isn’t about pity, it is about love. Charity and love are the same — with charity you give love, so don’t just give money but reach out your hand instead.” – Mother Teresa

Then after months of not seeing him on the same corner on 40th Street and Madison Avenue, I saw him in Grand Central Station looking worse for wear. He seemed beaten, weathered down, deflated, but still he had a smile for me. We didn’t talk much.  He was not himself.  It saddened me.  I never saw him again.

He comes to mind often. When that happens I say a prayer that he is well.

“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.”  – John Holmes

After Milton I met Laura.  She sat in front of Starbucks.  In the beginning she seemed so out of place.  She was clean, well fed, and slowly I saw her become a shell of herself.  She still had a smile on her face and a plan for the future if only she could get to California.  If she got there she would have a home and she would go to school.  That is easy I thought to myself: I can buy her the ticket.  Then she added that she couldn’t go yet because she had had lost all her documents.  There were people helping her with that.

One day she said that she and others ladies in her same situation had been abused by this one guy and there were new lawyers helping her with that case.  Every week was a story and I became discouraged.  I started to doubt the she would ever leave the streets.  Her stories seemed to be more for my benefit, to show me that there was a plan and it was in motion.

I would tell her a bit about myself and about my sister moving here.  She never forgot the things I had told her.  She would ask about my sister, etc.  And then one day I stopped seeing her.  Same as in with Milton, I hope that not seeing her again is a good thing. I hope that things worked out well for her. She is only 27 or 28 years old.

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” – John Bunyan

Now, there is Matthew.  He sits on the corner of 34th Street and Madison Avenue.  He has become a friend.  He always insists on holding my hand to say thank you.  He greets me with the hugest of smiles.  He said that he was going to be on the corner until June.  His father is getting married and he will go to live at his father’s house.

The other day my co-worker was going out to run some errands at lunchtime.  I asked her to get Matthew some empanadas from the Cuban restaurant.  He gets very excited about them.  When she returned she said he had a different sign.  He didn’t have the usual one asking for help.  He had one thanking everyone that has helped him.  I thought to myself: Awesome, he is saying good bye.  It is June, he will be gone.  I stopped seeing him.  I was so happy he was gone.  I pictured him in a house in the country doing work in the backyard.

Then today there is Matthew back on the corner again. He said that he went and saw his father, all is great, but now he has to work out the logistics. I don’t know what that means.

“We only have what we give.” – Isabel Allende

I talk, I ask questions but not too many.  I don’t want interfere or try to fix their lives.  The problem is a complex one.  Unless I am willing to adopt them and take them into my care, I can’t really meddle.  I can’t fix their lives.  Only they can do that if given the chance.

And that is what I pray for.  I pray that they get a chance, a direction, opportunities and possibilities.   I pray for all the Miltons, all the Lauras, all the Matthews, and all others.  May they find the strength, may they find a way. Homelessness shouldn’t mean hopelessness.

It scares me to think that some people are just a paycheck away from ending up in a corner.

Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

Dates Updates and a World of Gratitude!

28 Thursday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” 
― Leonardo da Vinci

I am too dumb for Kanye West, or perhaps I am too wise … who knows, the only thing I know is that I don’t get it, I didn’t get it.   I went to see him at Madison Square Garden on Saturday night and I couldn’t wait for the concert to be over. I literally couldn’t wait, so we left before the end of the concert.  I was hoping he was saving the best for last, but I didn’t want to wait to find out.

I saw him last year at the Revel in Atlantic City and thoroughly enjoyed the show.  I thought it was artistic and creative, so I thought I would at least enjoy some parts of this one.  This time I thought it was just too egotistical.  It seemed too desperate, it seemed like he was trying too hard.  Why is it that just good music is no longer enough?  Why all the gimmick, the masks, the religious artifacts, the self aggrandizing speeches?  Like with any art form this is subjective, clearly tons of people love the show as it continues to sell out.  But I much preferred the old Kanye – before the illusion of power transformed him.

****

“Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.” 
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

I was invited to the concert by someone I met on Plenty of Fish.  Yep, I am moving from E-harmony to POF – I need a bigger ocean to conduct my search :).

I don’t know why he choose to buy tickets to see Kanye, it was clear it was not his type of music.  I think he was relieved when I said we should leave before the end.

He was a nice guy, but that was it.  There were no sparks for me.  I already knew that even before I met him, but I chose to go on the date anyway because I want to have an open mind and  give a nice guy a fair chance.  He did everything right, he was was gentleman, but that is not enough.  I need sparks. He wanted to go out again, but I feel I would be wasting both of our times, so I said no.  I don’t think a second date would change anything.

****

“A man who drinks too much on occasion is still the same man as he was sober. An alcoholic, a real alcoholic, is not the same man at all. You can’t predict anything about him for sure except that he will be someone you never met before.” 
― Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye

Last night I went on a date with someone that I knew there would be tons of chemistry.  We had amazing conversations on the phone and texting.  He seemed to have all his ducks in a row.  So I was eager to meet him.

When we finally met there was still a lot of chemistry but I detected also not thing: He has a drinking problem!  As soon as we hugged hello I detected a hint of alcohol, his puffy face and mannerisms were some of the other telltale signs.   I have worked with an alcoholic before and I know what it looks like.

So after we sat at the bar in a restaurant in my neighborhood I took the direct approach and asked him if he had a drinking problem.  He denied and got defensive.  Then, he says: I don’t think so, I have incredible kids attending elite universities so clearly I am able to function well in society and must be doing something right. Oh sure, that clears that right up!! NOT!  It is amazing the lies that people tell themselves to avoid facing their problems, to make it seem that all is well and nothing needs changing.

I wish I could help him, but I cannot help someone that doesn’t have a problem and until he admits it, no one can help. I felt very bad for him and specially for his family.  I am inclined to think that is the reason his marriage failed.  I brought up AA, but that didn’t go over well.

I don’t have a problem with having baggage from our pasts, we all do, but I have a problem with lies, and worst of all with someone lying to himself about something so serious.

There is not enough chemistry, money, chivalry and good looks in the world to make me choose to stay in that sinking ship.  I had half a drink and politely called it the night. Later he texted and called trying to convince me that we could still work, then he resorted to tell me that I hurt him with my accusation. But I stood my ground, I didn’t force the issue and just blamed myself, I took the “it is me, not you” route.

At any rate I am so happy that I am able to let my mind discern things for me and not let my heart alone roam free.  I am grateful that God/Universe always opens my eyes.

… and the search happily continues …

“If I only had three words of advice, they would be, Tell the Truth. If got three more words, I’d add, all the time.” 
― Randy Pausch

***

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.” 
― Thích Nhất Hạnh

You all have an awesome Thanksgiving!!  no turkey for me.  I am thinking chicken for one!

I will be making a list of all the awesome things I have to be grateful for, and there are so many small and large miracles in my life, in anyone’s life really, if they choose to look close enough.

You, person that reads and relates to my words, reader that comments and showers me with positive thoughts, commentator that prays for me and encourages me to be myself and to continue strong, you don’t know how much you do for me and the extent of my gratitude!  Thoughts have power, and your power in my life is positively felt!  A soulful, simple but very heartfelt thank you!

A grateful attitude can change the world! Try it today!

Be Happy! Be blessed! Be grateful!

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” 
― Epicurus

Angels everywhere and they will appear when you need most!

25 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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Yesterday I was on I-95 on the way to see a friend that I have not seen in almost 3 years, when this guy in the car next to mine starts honking his horn and waving his hand.  For a second I thought he found me so extremely attractive and wanted my number, but no, no such luck, he was signaling that I had a flat tire.

I got off at the next exit and found a gas station.  I asked the attendant to help me use the air machine (yeah, anything in regards to cars scare me even the air pump machine) .  He tries and no air comes out.  He says that the air machine is off and can only be turned on from inside the garage and of course the garage is locked and he doesn’t have the key.

So I proceed to another gas station 5 blocks away.  I park near the air pump and get out of the car.  This station doesn’t have an attendant and this air pump takes coins, so I am fumbling with my bag searching for quarters while calling my friend for advice .

At this moment a guy in a mechanic’s overall had just parked his car and walks over to me looking at the flat tire.  He asks me if I need help changing the tire – more beautiful words were never spoken before!! I hung up on my friend and tell him that I have no idea what I am doing and that I need all the help I can get.

He tells me that he had just finished rescuing somebody and that is actually what he does for a living.  He changes the tire.  I ask him how much I can pay him.  He says it would be nice if you can give me 10 or 20 dollars.  I give him 30 dollars and he tries to return 10 dollars, but I am so grateful that to me he is worth much more, so I tell him to keep it.

He gives me his phone number so that if I am ever with car trouble I can always call him.

I feel so blessed, and this is just an example of it! I am truly blessed and this is another example.  Well, I believe that we are all blessed but I am happy that I am able to realize it and be grateful for it.

Everything is the way it should be.  There is no need to despair when you know that God is always on your side.

There was a reason why the first air pump didn’t work, otherwise I would have just put air and went on my way and would get flat again.  By going to the second station I got the tire changed and was quickly and safely on the road again.

There are angels everywhere, this one was clear, but there are many instances throughout the day where we are assisted by angels and we don’t even realize!

Heart, heart… what are you saying?

08 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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I am sitting here trying to finish a post about my finances, but my mind is some place else.  I am thinking of how I have been in dealing with my emotions and expectations lately.  Expectations is, by the way, a word that I would like to remove from my vocabulary.

So the post about finances will have to wait (along with the check to the IRS)

I have been taking baby steps in the right direction in dealing with my emotions and expectations.  I have a long, long way to go, but these small improvements have me believing that I can get there.  There being a place where I can freely love without a single expectation.  Love for the sake of love alone!! There being a place that I know that what I feel is love for the other person, not lust, not wanting and needing to be touched only.

This has been a very hard post to write. It is hard for me admit that perhaps I shouldn’t completely and blindly listen to my heart.

I pride myself in being honest and telling it like it is. So the moment that I have feelings for someone, and for the sake of this post I am only talking about romantic relationships, I put it all out there.  I never learned how to play the dating game. I never learned how to be coy, how to play hard to get, how to go slow.  There are no mysteries with me, no guessing games. If I like someone I tell them. I bare myself and my soul.

… and then it is up to the other person to deal with me and my bluntness and all my expectations.

I will never say honesty is a problem, honesty to me is always the solution.  But there is such a thing as too much too soon and it comes with a price.  That price is rejection and pain, with perhaps the highest price being the never blossoming of a lasting love. There is also the issue of not knowing if my feelings are real or just an illusion of the love I want so bad in my life.

Problem 1: Recognizing feelings for what they are. Is it love or something else?

Baby step solution: Admitting I have a problem distinguishing my feelings. Admitting the possibility that not all my loving feelings are real love. 

So until I learn how to tell my feelings apart  (which I cannot begin to guess how to do that) I am going to deal with my impulsive actions in regards to those feelings. I have been speaking and acting with haste and without a conscious thought my entire life.   It is not only okay, but wise, to slow down and wait to see if the feelings I am feeling will remain and grow or just go away.  I can still be honest with myself and my feelings, but I just need to exercise a little caution. I should err on the side of slowness.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”  ― Thich Nhat Hanh

Admitting I may have a problem happened with the help of, not only, pain and reflection, but also of a friend.  He has been helping me to see that blindly following my heart and emotions may feel amazing in the beginning but it can lead to heartache.  The irony is that he is my current object of affection, attention and constant daydreaming. While I have been trying to convince him to just act on impulse he has been trying to reign me in,  trying to get me to slow down.

It is not easy for me to accept people’s help and guidance. It is not easy for me to admit that I cannot figure it all out alone.  This friend has been a blessing.  He has put up with tears and bad jokes.  He has been standing his ground as I try to, time and time again, seduce him.  In the past I would have moved on from him, but this time I want to stick around and see what the future holds. This time I am able to see the value in the friendship and not think of the romance alone.  Perhaps I am stronger and wiser, perhaps I see in him the teachings I need.  Perhaps I am ready to admit my shortcomings and make changes. Perhaps I see that his heart is in as much pain as mine. Perhaps I am just old and tired! 🙂

Problem # 2: Impulsiveness.  Reacting on every feeling, real or not.

Baby step solution: Trying to sit with the feeling before reacting. Trying do engage my mind into the equation.  Trying being the key word here.

My impulsiveness has caused me to just blurt out what my heart is thinking as soon as I think it.  I say whatever comes to mind to anyone, at any time, in any circumstance.  Some times people think I am funny, sometimes they think I am a breath of fresh air, but most times I am just too straightforward to some, too shocking. I jump in head first in a relationship just because it feels right.  Just because my heart told me so.

There is no thought in my actions.  There is impulse and reaction.  There is really no time for anything else.  So the key has been trying to slow things down enough to have my mind in the mix.

“Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second.” Baltasar Gracian

Text and e-mails were sent out of the blue just because.  That modus operandi lead to disappointment and unnecessary grief many many times and lead to relationships ending before they started. I think I have scared men.

In the past an example of my pattern would go something like this: I hear my heart talking about some feeling for someone and if I felt reciprocated I would go in overdrive mode. I would sent texts and emails and not be shy about talking about my feelings.  I would feel amazing about it… for about a second. Then reality would set in and I would be maniacally waiting for a reply that sometimes never came.

My impulsiveness is never alone, it is always accompanied by its sister expectations.

Problem #3: Controlling my expectations. Always expecting acceptance and love in return.

Baby step solution: Considering the consequences of each action and the potential result.  Trying to understand my expectations and letting them go.  Enjoying the feeling of an action without an expectation and building on that feeling.

When I didn’t get a response to my e-mails or text, or when the person somehow didn’t live up to my expectations, I would blame and admonish myself for my haste and I would blame the other person for giving me those feelings and then backing away.  I never understood why wasn’t the person seeing the genuineness of my words and actions.  Why wasn’t the person honored by my attention and affection?

In the past everything I did had expectations attached to them.  Everything! No one could win with so much expected from them.  It was like I was always setting the other person up to fail, and they eventually did.

In the last couple of weeks I have come up with and have put in a practice a 1 minute rule to deal with my e-mailing and texting. When I write a text or an e-mail I force myself to go away from it for 1 minute.  In that minute I answer the following question: Will I be okay if I don’t get a reply, or if the reply is not positive?  If my answer is yes then I hit send, if the answer is no or maybe than I save it and revisit it later or just go ahead and deleted it.

It has been amazing what this one little change has done.  It has freed me.  I continue to send emails and texts that are perhaps a little too forward, but they go off into the sunset on their own, with no expectations attached. I hit send and forget it.  I no longer keep checking my phone looking for a reply.  The truth is I still over share, but I no longer put any burden on the other person to reciprocate.  Some times I get responses back and some times I get silences and I am okay with both because my goal has changed. The goal is to honor that feeling at that moment and not to get anything back.

Now, phone calls and in-person are another story.  As far as those I am trying to speak slow and to actually hear the other person out. Slowing down seems to be the way to go for me in all senses.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  ― Donald Miller

I have faith that I am going in the right direction.  I know I am not betraying my heart, even though it feels a little like that, but I am helping my heart make informed decisions. Impulsiveness is me, but it doesn’t have to be the whole me, it doesn’t have to define me. Expectations is a fact of life for me but I can learn to co-exist with it in peace.

Lastly, I know I have used the  word “change”, but I actually like the word “improving” better.  I don’t want to change myself, I want to improve myself! God has made me this way for a reason and I don’t want to change me. He also gave me tools, sometimes in the form of people, to guide me and help me to grow.  God has given me wisdom to see that I don’t have to cause myself unnecessary pain.   He has opened my eyes to see that I am no alone.

my friend is a cookie in a cookie jar that is way beyond my reach. If I go up on the counter to try to reach it I may fall and hurt myself. But sometimes all I want is a cookie and nothing else will do! sometimes scraped knees don’t seem too bad! 🙂

… so I bought a banana!

21 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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This morning I am running out of my apartment to catch the train to work when in the middle of the hall I see a $5.00 bill.

I look around, bend down and pick it up.  Why did I look around first? I guess it felt a bit like stealing so one wants to make sure no one is looking, or perhaps I wanted to see if the rightful owner was coming back for it.

I hold the bill in my hand without knowing what to do next.  If it was a million dollars then I could begin dreaming, but $5.00 doesn’t exactly excite me. But that thought shames me, what if this $5 is all the person had?

Since is early morning I am thinking that perhaps the owner lost it last night after coming home drunk and fumbling with the keys. Or perhaps the guy, instead of drunk,  he was too tired from his 2 jobs.   Or perhaps it is not even a guy!

I do have a tendency to over think things some times, well, most of the time!

What am I am going to do? How can I find who lost it? Do I need to find who lost it? Do I leave it at the front desk?  It all seems a bit ridiculous!

I am talking to myself all of the 12 flights of stairs (yep I am feeling smug as I type this for no longer taking  the elevator. My butt and legs are beginning to show the effects of this new routine.  But we will talk about my butt and my legs in another post).

I am still unsure as to how to proceed and I am now thinking that finding this bill was a stroke of bad luck.  Perhaps I should have just left it there.  The owner may  come back to look for it.  But by now if I return I will miss my train.  So I continue down.

As I open the door to get out of the building I come face to face with Joe, the super. Yippie, luck is changing! He will know what to do for sure!

As I wave the bill I say: Joe, I found a $5.00 bill in my hall (I can feel the stress in my voice)

He replies: Good for you! It is yours!

Relief rushes through me.  I have been given permission to keep it and stop obsessing about it.

Me? Stop obsessing about something? Never! (I do think some obsessions are okay. For example I enjoy obsessing about love and, of late, one particular someone, but I would call that a healthy obsession since it motivates me and makes me happy.  My therapist, if I had one, on the other hand, would beg to differ – lol)

Now I am thinking that I should somehow use this money, which was never mine to begin with, for the good of somebody else.

I should just hand the money to the first homeless person I meet.  Of course is not that simple, what if that person is an addict and uses the money for drugs. (For the record I don’t think all homeless people are drug users and homeless by their own fault or anything like, this is just the way my mind was working this morning).  In that case I would be enabling them to continue with their addiction and end up causing more harm than good.

Then I think that instead of handing the money I should just buy them food, but then a memory comes to mind:  About 4 years ago I was on my way to dinner when I saw this homeless person lying on the side walk.  I felt guilt beyond belief that I was ready to go eat while somebody looked starving.  So I got to the restaurant, ordered food and took to the man. Instead of gratitude I got yelled at the top of his lungs: Get out of it here! Leave me alone! It both scared and scarred me; I thought he would attack me.  It occurred to me then that perhaps I don’t have the right to interfere with somebody’s lot in life, especially if I am doing more for my benefit then theirs.

I look at the bill again and it looks fake. Washed out. Oh gosh, I already can see myself being handcuffed and being taken to jail.

While the bill takes most of the thoughts in my mind, one thought slips in: I forgot my apple sitting on the counter at home!  So now I have to walk even faster to make sure I have time to grab one at the station.  This is shaping up to be not one of my best mornings.

I get there and the apples all looked bruised and past their prime.  But a banana catches my eye, it looks perfect! and I do remember a doctor telling me a long time ago that I lacked potassium and should eat one banana a day.

So I grab the banana, place on in the counter and the girl says: $1.50.  After my eyes come back into my face – $1.50 for a single banana!!! And it was not even that big!  I reach for my wallet and, as everyone could see this coming a mile away, my wallet is not there!  I have left my wallet in my tennis bag last night!

I hand the cashier the $5 bill praying that it works.  It does!

$3.50 to go …

 Moral of the story:  there is none! Well, perhaps I can spin it as I am so blessed that the Universe makes sure I have money for my daily fruit!

But this $5.00 got me thinking:

  1. Do I have a duty to find the owner of anything I find?  If money, what is the cutoff dollar amount? $5. $10?
  2. My contributions to society –  or lack of it!
  3. Who benefits more when you do good? You or the recipient?
  4. Is it still altruistic if you are doing mostly out of guilty?
  5. When is it help and when is it interference?

*******

Now on another note: How many of you thought this post was going to be about a whole different matter? Come on! I cannot be the only one with a dirty mind around here!   Yes I am feeling a little naughty this morning.  Even a nice girl like me has needs!