I am being forced to write this post. Yes there is someone holding a gun to my head. That someone is my conscience.
This blog has been a lifesaver. I feel I owe my sanity to it. Therefore I feel I cannot not share some feelings just because they show a side of me that I don’t like. You are my friend and have been here through thick and thin, so you deserve to know how angry I am at this moment. Anger is not me, and I don’t want to be seen as an angry person, but at this moment I am!
“The world needs more anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.”
― Bede Jarrett
I don’t advocate anger, but I am welcoming anger at this point. It feels liberating! It feels I am one step closer to being free. This elusive freedom seems harder than I had fathomed! Freedom from what you may ask? Freedom from thinking about Ex.
Here I go again talking about him. He is a subject that should have been dead and buried a long time ago. But anytime I seem to forget about him, something snaps me right back to the starting point.
I am here to tell you right now that anger can, at times, be a good thing. It can open your eyes and be a healing force. It can force someone to face a tough issue and snap someone into action. It is strange to me to see anger in such a way, or perhaps it is just my positive self trying to be positive about something so negative. I have to make this anger work for me. This anger feels long overdue. I had thought that I had been lucky enough to have never felt this angry towards my Ex. I was proud of not having anger in my heart for him or anybody else. I had periods of being mad, but nothing like what I have been feeling the last few days. I realize we may jump around the grief process, but eventually we will get to all of them. My grief as it turns out is not over!
What was the straw the broke the camel’s back? A text with a picture! Something snapped inside of me when I received this one text from Ex. How dare he still text me after I had expressly asked for no contact and he agreed.
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
― Gloria Steinem
He sent me a text with a picture of him and the Kids. It is a long story but he had not seen his kids in a long time, so them all together is nothing shorter than a miracle. The ex-wife is a nightmare and always tried to prevent the kids from having a relationship with the father. He is a lousy partner but a great father and deserves to see the kids and the kids need to see him.
I know that some of you will say that he wanted to share his happiness with me. Well, he is not allowed to anymore! I have asked for no contact, no contact means not contact. He is happy I know! I am happy for him. But I don’t care to know about his life at this point. I am angry over everything regarding Ex and I am angry over having kept the door open to him. How could I have looked at everything he did so lightly? How could I have continued to engage in communication with him?
Perhaps it was the caption on the picture that read: ‘”The whole family together again”, or perhaps that he wrote that the kids asked about me and sent their love. Perhaps still, it was the assumption that who took the picture was the new girlfriend; well I am sure of it! So after being happy for him, I was mad.
There is one point where you need to stop being polite and just start watching out for yourself. I am there!
“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
I am angry at myself for being angry and for still having all these bottled up feelings for him. I feel that I should have been this angry 2 years ago. I was going to ignore the text. I let it marinated overnight, but by the next day at noon I had only grown angrier and even though my sister and my co-worker suggested that I either ignore it or just say that I was happy for him, I had to go and tell him exactly how I felt. I told him how it hurts me to hear from him. How I don’t want to be contacted again and don’t care to know about his life. I also mentioned how I thought the new girlfriend was a good replacement for me. I am not proud of that text, but I don’t regret it either.
He and I cannot be friends, no matter how much time goes by. We have no reason to be friends or have any communication (unlike couples that have children together). So I am finally letting go of this illusion of being friends one day. I don’t want to be friends with someone that has done what he has done to me, someone that continues to be clueless as to how much he hurt me and to the ramification of his actions, and someone that only thinks about himself. To this day he has never acknowledged any wrongdoing, and continues to lie to people saying that I moved out to be closer to my job and that we are still friends. He created a lie and he believes in it. I refuse to participate in that lie anymore.
He hasn’t replied to my text and I don’t expect or want a reply. I said what I had to say and I don’t want to hear or talk about him anymore.
“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”
― Maya Angelou
This anger allowed me to see things clearer. It allowed me to look around and realize that I was still keeping him around in things. So I burned the letter that he sent me, which, when I received it, had made me happy and had felt like a good closure. I burned some proof I had of his cheating – I know he cheated I don’t need to proof to anybody. I deleted all the emails and the pictures. I don’t know why I was keeping those things around, but it feels awesome to have those things gone. I could have just thrown those things away, but there is nothing like burning them with white sage incense. It felt like a ritual of getting rid of the past and cleansing the path for the future.
“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
― Malcolm X
So, I am hoping this is the last chapter on the Ex story, but even as I write this I think of a never ending bad Halloween movie.
On a separate note, I went to my first Kabbalah class last night. I really enjoyed it because it seems to validate what I already believe in. The teacher talked about the need to stop being reactive. I had always saw my reactive behavior and impulsiveness as being a good thing, as a sign that I was following my heart and my instincts, but of late I had started to question that and realize that one thing had nothing to do with the other. Yesterday it felt like a validation of my thoughts.
Perhaps I am already brainwashed :), but it appeared that the teacher was talking directly to me. Everything fit me to a T, specially when it came to relationships.
I am eager to learn more and perhaps share things that I find useful.
I am going on a date tonight!!! After a long time with no dates I am meeting a handsome, smart and funny Englishman tonight. We have spoken on the phone a few times but had not met before because of how busy I had been with my Mom and because of his travels.
Do I think he is the one? Well, I don’t accept an invitation unless I see potential. I don’t want to waste anybody’s time or my own. I am choosing not to have huge expectations. All I expect is a fun time with a potential friend.
I am excited about being out at a social setting, having a drink and flirting my ass off!! Did I mention that he appears to have very kissable lips? Well I don’t normally go kissing anyone on the first date, but it has been a long time and my lips have been lonely! Oh and his accent is both sexy and powerful… I am thinking I should have only one drink …
“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits. (January 11)”
― Sarah Ban Breathnach