I was going to write a year-end balance of my life. I was going to illustrate how far I have come and where I want to go. The truth is it doesn’t matter! What is important is that I continue growing, improving, facing old fears, charting new courses, moving always. One foot in front of the other, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always taking a next step.
Coming very far just shows me that I have so much more to go and do. Same with knowledge, but it is better to know than live in blissful ignorance. Knowledge is power!
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” ― Socrates
My wish for myself and for the world in 2014: More acceptance and less control and judgment.
“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald
I realized that my wanting to improve myself and the world around me, even though it a good thing, it was becoming a tad too controlling and self-important. I was trying to control my surroundings. I was passing judgment and I was not accepting of people’s difference of opinion. I was feeling a little too self-important, like I have the knowledge and if people can only do as I say and follow my lead all would be fine. Where is the respect for other people’s free will?
We all have our roads to travel, our crosses to bear, I have no right to interfere. Even if asked, I should refrain from opining. I don’t have all the answers. Actually, even worst, I don’t even have all the questions.
“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” ― Paulo Coelho
So in 2014 I will watch for the times that I am passing judgment, for the times that I am trying to exercise control of something or situation. I will accept more and do less (less manipulating and controlling). I will refrain from giving advice. I will allow nature to take its course without my constant need to guide the destiny. Less reaction, less meddling, more acceptance and understanding!
Every single one of you are important to me and a part of my journey. For that I feel blessed and I am grateful! A wondrous and blessed 2014 to All!
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu
Whistler, BC, Canada – where I would love to be at this moment!
I was thinking of 2014 and I realized how important what I am doing at this very moment contributes to my future – no earth shattering news there but sometimes I catch myself going through the motions and not really living or paying attention to what I am doing.
I decided, to quote my favorite movie “Shaswhank Redemption”, get “busy living” instead of get “busy dying”. I decided to take a look at my present behavior to see if I am conducting myself in a way that benefits my future. What seeds am I planting?
Here are the questions I am asking myself, and in a way here is my self improvement list:
1) Am I getting enough sleep and drinking enough water?
2) Am I learning to accept, love and take care of my body the way it deserves?
3) Am I watching what I eat and drink? Am I getting enough protein and less sugar?
4) Am I making sure I am not overindulging in anything, and letting any one thing control me? Chocolate, TV, even a good thing such as exercise can become an addiction if I let it control me.
5) Am I reading more and watching less? Books are food for my mind and soul, TV can sometimes desensitize us and make us life observers and not participants. (of course there are bad books and good TV shows too!)
6) Am I making sure I am not wasting my time online with useless distractions? Online life can be addictive and unreal.
7) Am I simplifying my life? Getting rid of the excess, old and unused? Donate, trade, re-purpose!
8) Am I recycling and not wasting resources?
9) Am I keeping clean surroundings? A clean desk, house, mind means more efficiency.
10) Am I respecting my parents and my elders? Am respecting their opinions, their limitations?
Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anaïs Nin
11) Am I being kind to strangers? Am I being kind to all, especially when it is most difficult to do?
12) Am I surrounding myself with quality people, good energy people? Am staying away from negativity?
13) Am I getting myself out in the world and networking and cultivating good relationships?
14) Am I updating my resume and qualifications? Am I being ready and prepared should I come to need it?
15) Am I giving back to the community, to the world? Am I volunteering my time and energy to worthwhile causes? Am I donating money?
16) Am I obeying the laws, written and unwritten?
He who knows others is learned; He who knows himself is wise. ~Lao-tzu
17) Am I being moral and ethical? Am I making sure that I am not taking shortcuts?
18) Am I replacing old bad habits with new good ones? For example, taking a walk after dinner instead of sitting in front of the TV.
19) Am I facing my fears and getting out of my comfort zone? This is the where and when my soul shines and my self esteem rises!
20) Am I smiling often? Am I smiling when things are good and smiling even more when things are bad?
21) Am I making sure I am not settling for less than what I deserve for fear (of something, the unknown, of being alone, etc)?
“It takes courage…to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” ― Marianne Williamson
22) Am I talking less and listening more? Am I using my words for the good?
23) Am I using my skills and talents to the best of my abilities?
24) Am I always learning something new? (to me this is the key to staying young)
25) Am I praying and having positive thoughts throughout my day? Am I trusting the God/Universe/Light within me?
26) Am I being in the moment? Am I being conscious of my actions and not going through life as a robot?
27) Am I forgiving and forgetting? Am I forgiving others for wronging me?
28) Am forgiving myself for past mistakes? Am I taking corrective measures to right and wrong but not dwelling in it?
29) Am I learning to ask for help and accept help when I need it? Am I offering help?
30) Am I creating goals and working towards achieving them?
All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. ~James Thurber
31) Am I keeping stress at bay, by learning to relax, breathing and hitting pause when necessary?
32) Am I being non-reactive? Am I making sure that I am not being impulsive with my actions?
33) Am I being financially responsible and living within my means? Am I cutting out unnecessary expenses? Am I having respect for my money and the hard work I put in to get it?
34) Am I accepting people as they are, and not imposing my will on them? Am I being non-judgmental?
35) Am I welcoming pain, problems, obstacles, challenges, etc, as a growth opportunity? Am I looking at the situation and learning from it?
36) Am I loving when hating would be easier?
37) Am I being grateful for all I have been blessed with? I am honoring my blessings and not taking anything for granted?
This is an on-going list as I am a work-in-progress!
“It is necessary … for a man to go away by himself … to sit on a rock … and ask, ‘Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?” ― Carl Sandburg
“The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.” ― Aristotle
Some days the quote above really comes to mind when I think how far I came emotionally in the last couple of years. It seems that the more I learn about myself, the more I fine tune, the more I work on things I think need to work on, the more I realize how much more work I need.
That is not to say that I am not giving myself credit for all the work. I feel that spiritually and emotionally I am at a much better place and only scratching the surface of how awesome I can become. I am excited to put in more work and watch myself blossom.
“Hard work does not go unnoticed, and someday the rewards will follow” ― Allan Rufus
Here are some of the things that I am constantly trying to work on:
Being fully present in every moment. Concentrating on the now is one of the best things you can do for your future. The past is gone. Some memories are good but to continue to relive the past is not healthy or beneficial. At the same time don’t just live in the future. Do not dream of how amazing your life will be when something you really want happens, such as losing weight. Start living that life now and do whatever you want to do now! Be conscious of every moment, pay attention to every moment. Don’t be a robot!
Stay away from negative energy/people. We all know some people that sag our energy, that drag us down. They have a way of making us feel defensive or irritated or cause us to have some other negative feeling, so why choose to share space with them? Stay away! Of course sometimes it is not possible to avoid them, in that case don’t give them power and opportunity. Don’t engage them in unnecessary conversation.
“You cannot expect to live a positive life if you hang with negative people.” ― Joel Osteen
Stay away from bad influences and situations. I know that there are certain situations I am vulnerable to. For example, I know that there are certain types of guys that I start talking to and energy flows but I know they are not good for me in the end, but I am having fun so I continue in the slippery slide. I need to avoid putting myself in those situations that I know it will not be a good for me. Another sensitive area is sugar. I know that if I buy a whole chocolate cake I will be tempted to slowly eat the whole thing, so now I only buy a slice. So this goes back to being present in the moment and asking myself if what I am about to do is beneficial to me in the long run.
Stay busy and active with things that matter. An idle mind is the devil’s playground. That is so true and to that I will add: an idle body is also the devil’s playground. But don’t just keep yourself busy with just anything. Busy yourself with activities that benefit you and/or others. Learn, build, construct, help, etc. Make your actions meaningful. With that being said, make sure to rest and have fun. Don’t be a slave to and addicted to anything. Even healthy habits can be detrimental if you make them your God. Practice balance and moderation!
Be kind to yourself. No one is perfect. We all err, and sometimes we make the same mistake twice, three times. Don’t penalize yourself. Take ownership of the mistake and move on. Promise yourself that you will do better next time. Reward yourself for goals met and for accomplishments. Don’t wait for anyone to tell you how awesome you are! Be your biggest fan!
Act with love and kindness. Just think of everyone as your brother/sister and treat them as such. Even when it is the hardest thing to do, and is at that time that there is more value in doing it. Choose kindness, understanding and forgiveness.
You are always and already whole and perfect as God intended. Nobody can take away your values and morals. People and circumstances may leave you feeling down, deflated, less than perfect. Things and people may break your heart, your bones, take your money and material things, but no one can take your essence away. Stay true to them. Stay true to your morals and beliefs. Don’t let anyone make you think that you not a good person.
“There are two kinds of perfect: The one you can never achieve, and the other, by just being yourself.” ― Lauren King
Accept pain and problems as lessons and opportunities for growth. Each roadblock is a little step towards a better you, towards a better future. Each situation offers a chance for growth. So welcome the hardship, but don’t suffer unnecessarily. Contemplate the situation and learn as much as you can from it. Understand the part you played in it so not to repeat it. Don’t stay in the pain and don’t act like a victim!
Never lose faith and hope. No matter what happens in your life proceed with the faith and knowledge that as long as you continue working hard the best outcome will be yours. Realize that at the most difficult times your faith is being tested, and that is when you need to believe the most! Believe in yourself and the Creator and Universe within you!
“Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.” ― Max Lucado
Don’t be reactive! I am quick to react to anything, good or bad. I normally blame it on being an Impulsive and impatient Aries. Be in control of your steps and movements and actions. Before anything, Stop and reflect! (This one I learned, well still learning, in Kabbalah and I am still trying to apply to my life. It is not easy, before I know I already reacted)
“Spiritual practice involves being constantly aware.” ― Shri Radhe Maa
Last, but not least, Smile! Don’t forget to smile! Smile in good times and in bad times smile even more!
“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri
This blog wouldn’t be the same if every now and then I wouldn’t mention Ex. The goal is for him to be a long lost memory, but it is not turning out to be that way.
Here is the latest installment:
On Thanksgiving day he sent me a text saying Happy Thanksgiving. Okay that may not seem like a lot or perhaps may seem like a good thing to some, but to me it hits a nerve. How many times do I have to ask him not to contact me?
Doesn’t he understand that every time he does that he reopens a wound that is starting to heal?
I have been trying not to be reactive, so I didn’t do anything… for 1 day. A day later his text was still in my mind, so I fired off a couple of texts telling him to please stop. I was honest and told him how much it hurts me when he does that. Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him that it hurts, perhaps that is what he wants.
He replied that he said Happy Thanksgiving because he loves me and wants me and my family to have a good Thanksgiving. He also added that he was going to wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year now because he didn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often.
What??? He doesn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often???? How many times can I ask him not to contact me? Why does he play dumb?
So I texted a final text and I asked him to pretend I was dead because that is what I am trying to do in regards to him. It sounds dramatic, but it is true.
I am not proud of texting him, perhaps I should have not done it. But what is done is done. No regrets, just hoping I can choose silence next time.
I am hoping I got my point across. If not, my next step will be to change my phone number.
I have to see the good side of everything, so here is how I put my positive spin on it:
I welcome the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the anger, all the feelings fighting for space inside me and threatening to come out. I welcome them all to come to the surface, have some face time and then leave.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi
I am happy that even though I felt like replying to him right away I didn’t. I didn’t react impulsively. I thought about it and let things marinate. I replied anyway later but it didn’t control me, I controlled it.
I am happy that I am so sure I don’t want any contact with him. Before, his texts would give me hope, even if I didn’t want to own up to it. Now it is annoying and painful.
“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” ― Marcel Proust
I am at peace now. At peace with the text and hopeful that he now got the message.
I realized that I have a trio of allies and I need to let them do their work. My allies are Space, Time and Silence.
Space/Distance: I need to keep my space from Ex and that to me doesn’t only mean physical space. It means not snooping around the internet looking for information on him. Yes I have been guilt of looking up his girlfriend’s Facebook, of checking all his businesses and rereading a couple of newspaper articles on him. I am happy to inform that I haven’t done any of that in 2 weeks.
“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” ― Nicholas Sparks
“Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye.” ― Samuel Johnson
Time: I need to let time work for me. With each day I get stronger and his memory faint. I also need to stop counting time. There is no deadline or time limit for the grieving to be over. But one thing is for sure time will pass and so will the pain and hurt.
Silence: I need to keep my silence and not let him engage me and my energy into texting, emailing, etc . I don’t need to have the last word. Silence is oftentimes the loudest!
“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” ― Lao Tzu
“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” ― Chaim Potok
One main issue for me is the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating. When I got his text I considered for a moment meeting him and telling him everything I feel and what I need to hear from him. And then I realized I have already done that. There is nothing left unsaid on my part, and I don’t think he will ever acknowledge the cheating. He has said sorry many times, but he says he is sorry for not taking care of the relationship and for not being the man I needed him to be.
“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.” ― Paulo Coelho
If I let my 3 allies work for me and I diligently watch where I focus my energy and time, the truth will come out. And the important thing is I know the truth and in the end it doesn’t matter. I still believe he did me a favor. I am better for the experience. I am better for the pain!
“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
You know what I find absolutely incredible and the most beautiful thing about me, and I thank God daily about it, is the fact that I may get angry, sad, and a host of other feelings but never at any moment I wish him bad. I wish him happiness. I just don’t want to see it.