“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri
This blog wouldn’t be the same if every now and then I wouldn’t mention Ex. The goal is for him to be a long lost memory, but it is not turning out to be that way.
Here is the latest installment:
On Thanksgiving day he sent me a text saying Happy Thanksgiving. Okay that may not seem like a lot or perhaps may seem like a good thing to some, but to me it hits a nerve. How many times do I have to ask him not to contact me?
Doesn’t he understand that every time he does that he reopens a wound that is starting to heal?
I have been trying not to be reactive, so I didn’t do anything… for 1 day. A day later his text was still in my mind, so I fired off a couple of texts telling him to please stop. I was honest and told him how much it hurts me when he does that. Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him that it hurts, perhaps that is what he wants.
He replied that he said Happy Thanksgiving because he loves me and wants me and my family to have a good Thanksgiving. He also added that he was going to wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year now because he didn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often.
What??? He doesn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often???? How many times can I ask him not to contact me? Why does he play dumb?
“There are some wounds that one can heal only by deepening them and making them worse.”
― Auguste de Villiers de l’Isle-Adam
So I texted a final text and I asked him to pretend I was dead because that is what I am trying to do in regards to him. It sounds dramatic, but it is true.
I am not proud of texting him, perhaps I should have not done it. But what is done is done. No regrets, just hoping I can choose silence next time.
I am hoping I got my point across. If not, my next step will be to change my phone number.
I have to see the good side of everything, so here is how I put my positive spin on it:
I welcome the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the anger, all the feelings fighting for space inside me and threatening to come out. I welcome them all to come to the surface, have some face time and then leave.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
I am happy that even though I felt like replying to him right away I didn’t. I didn’t react impulsively. I thought about it and let things marinate. I replied anyway later but it didn’t control me, I controlled it.
I am happy that I am so sure I don’t want any contact with him. Before, his texts would give me hope, even if I didn’t want to own up to it. Now it is annoying and painful.
“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” ― Marcel Proust
I am at peace now. At peace with the text and hopeful that he now got the message.
I realized that I have a trio of allies and I need to let them do their work. My allies are Space, Time and Silence.
Space/Distance: I need to keep my space from Ex and that to me doesn’t only mean physical space. It means not snooping around the internet looking for information on him. Yes I have been guilt of looking up his girlfriend’s Facebook, of checking all his businesses and rereading a couple of newspaper articles on him. I am happy to inform that I haven’t done any of that in 2 weeks.
“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.”
― Nicholas Sparks
“Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye.”
― Samuel Johnson
Time: I need to let time work for me. With each day I get stronger and his memory faint. I also need to stop counting time. There is no deadline or time limit for the grieving to be over. But one thing is for sure time will pass and so will the pain and hurt.
“Because time does the job, dynamite can’t touch.”
― John Steinbeck
Silence: I need to keep my silence and not let him engage me and my energy into texting, emailing, etc . I don’t need to have the last word. Silence is oftentimes the loudest!
“Silence is a source of Great Strength.”
― Lao Tzu
“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.”
― Chaim Potok
One main issue for me is the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating. When I got his text I considered for a moment meeting him and telling him everything I feel and what I need to hear from him. And then I realized I have already done that. There is nothing left unsaid on my part, and I don’t think he will ever acknowledge the cheating. He has said sorry many times, but he says he is sorry for not taking care of the relationship and for not being the man I needed him to be.
“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.”
― Paulo Coelho
If I let my 3 allies work for me and I diligently watch where I focus my energy and time, the truth will come out. And the important thing is I know the truth and in the end it doesn’t matter. I still believe he did me a favor. I am better for the experience. I am better for the pain!
“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.
You know what I find absolutely incredible and the most beautiful thing about me, and I thank God daily about it, is the fact that I may get angry, sad, and a host of other feelings but never at any moment I wish him bad. I wish him happiness. I just don’t want to see it.