Category Archives: Daily Message

Everything works out in the end, if it hasn’t… just be patient

03 Friday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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Happy Friday everyone!

I am sorry about all the issues that some of you are having trying to reach my blog.  I hear you and I have been attempting to fix it.  I suspect things will get worse before they get better, so please hang in there.

I have also been experiencing issues while visiting some of you. I like or comment a post, and at that moment it shows.  If I refresh the page or go back to the post, it is no longer there.

I emailed WordPress and I am waiting on their response.   Please be patient with me and my blog.

And on the topic of patience, that is the always current lesson in my life.  I struggle with it; I fight with it.  It always fights back, and it always win.  Time and time again I realize that things are not on my timing.  I have to respect that, and get in line.

“A warrior of the Light is never in a hurry.
Time works in his favor; he learns to master his impatience and avoids acting without thinking.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

Good news: Yesterday we had our audit exit interview.  It went well, no major findings.  They will be sending an official letter in the next few days.  Once we get the letter, we will have 10 days to reply.  I will probably have to write a couple of pages regarding the findings and corrections necessaries, but it shouldn’t be too bad.

And that should be the end of it.  Well, until we hear from them again.  We have been audited by our industry regulators in 2015, 2019, and 2022. The last one, ending now, after 6 months.

I still have plenty of other work to do, but not having auditors hanging over my head, never knowing when more questions are coming, is such a relief.

I found the writing below and it seems to have been written for an Aries (it fits me to a T). If anyone knows the author, please let me know so I can give it credit.

“Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples’ affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains — they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn’t agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint — it is so hard to live with some of them — but a harsh old person is one of the devil’s masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen”
― Anonymous

Have a blessed weekend!

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April and May 2022 – Dream and Doom

19 Thursday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“There’a a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.” ― Stephen King

Continuing my recap of last year, here is April and May. I will focus on my relationship with B., which was the main theme of those months. (to read in detail, go to Archives)

Towards the end of March and beginning of April, B. and I met several times. He was kind and had flowers for me every time we saw each other. But there were times where we weren’t really in tune. He kept pushing to see me more often.  He was showing a possessive and insecure side.

In April I went to Brazil to see my family and bring my mom to the US for her biannual visit.

While in Brazil, I spoke to B. every night.  I wanted to pacify him. We grew closer and couldn’t wait to see each other.  This relationship was looking more and more like the love story I have been looking for.  He was again acting insecure and possessive on the phone, but I was blinded by the potential.

He would frame some outbursts as done out of loving me so much and didn’t want to get hurt if I was not as serious about the relationship as he was.

When I returned to the US, on April 19, things didn’t go as I had hoped.  I had mentioned to B. that my time was going to be limited because of my mom’s visit.  He said he understood it, but he kept complaining about not seeing me enough.

When we were together, he would say the right things, give me flowers and apologize for being demanding of my time.  When we were apart, he would fire off texts showing a possessive and insecure side that was not attractive at all.

There was one date, for our 2-month anniversary, that I acted like a baby.  I think it was already my gut, my instincts rebelling against this relationship.

Twice I had said to him that some of the texts he sent while angry were not acceptable. I told him that this push-pull behavior made me feel like I was being emotionally abused. He was shocked to hear that, apologized and promised to be more thoughtful before sending another one of those texts.

 “I am stuffing your mouth with your
promises and watching
you vomit them out upon my face.”
― Anne Sexton

Then, the day before I was to leave to Brazil to take my mom back, he got upset.  We had already said good bye with a dinner, but he wanted to see me one more time.  I changed my schedule a couple of times to see him again, but when there was another change, I said I couldn’t make it.  He then sent me a text calling me an a-hole.  Shock is not even the word to describe my feelings when I read that. He sent a couple of apologies in messenger and WhatsApp.  I didn’t reply and blocked him on both.

I will not be called names, specially by someone that supposedly loves me.  It is unacceptable to me.   I feel I dodged a bullet.  His demanding behavior and possessiveness kept getting worse.  His insecurity and fear of getting hurt always got the best of him. But that is no excuse.  A grown man should know how to behave, or seek help.

Had he not called me an a-hole, I would probably still be in that relationship.  Still trying to make it work, because it seemed so right sometimes.  I fell for the flowers and the potential.

I am glad I was leaving for Brazil the following day.  Being far away made it easier to not be tempted to give him yet another chance.  I was too busy with my family to think about him.  Well, I did think about him, but it made it easier to distract my mind.

Now, almost a year later, I am happy that I got out of that relationship relatively fast.  Had I stayed in it longer I can only imagine how it would destroy my mind and well-being.  Looking back there were so many issues, signs, offensive words disguised as “loving too much”.  There were so many things I ignored because it seemed so promising.

I remember when I wrote about it last year. I was embarrassed, and still in doubt about using the word “abuse”.  But it felt in my gut, it was in all the little words that hit me like a knife, and also in the beautiful flowers that made me smile.  At the end of conversations I was spent and questioning my sanity.  Yes, it was abuse and I am glad to be far from it, and to now be better able to recognize it.  Abuse comes in all forms.

My sister had already recognized it.  I would tell her about the dates. There were a couple of times that I remember her saying: “I am afraid of you going to his house.  He is unstable.” I thought she was overreacting.  I pacified her, and said that he would never physically hurt me.

Lesson learned:  Don’t ignore the red flags and your gut.  If someone is acting in a way that you think it is harmful to our mental health, don’t hang around.  Situations and actions escalate.  If you wonder if you are being mentally abused, you are! Run!

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.” ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

 

Friends, Food, Fun and a Dog!

11 Wednesday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message

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On Saturday evening, my sister and I went to dinner at a friend’s house. She is married and has 2 kids.  The boy is 16 years old and the girl 14 years old. I remember when the boy was a toddler.  He was a little terror.  I  thought he would grow up the same way.

How wrong I was! These two are the best kids ever.  The whole time we were there not once I saw either kid with a cell phone.  They were talking to us, helping with dinner, playing with the dog. Such a pleasure!  We don’t see them often but every time we do, it is the same way.

The least well-behaved person was the husband.  I am kidding, but he is so stubborn and can be a bit of a know-it-all. It is often hard to have a conversation. At times I would just agree with whatever he was saying because it was just easier this way.  I blame it on him being an Aries.  I am an Aries, so I know I can be that way sometimes.  Still, he was and has always been a very nice host.

“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”
― G.K. Chesterton

To drink we had sparkling wine.  The sushi looked great, as you can see by the picture below, but since I don’t eat sushi I had tacos and all the trimmings.  For dessert we brought over a delicious strawberry shortcake from a French bakery I like.  My friend also served cherry pie. All was delicious.

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien

It was our first time seeing their dog.  Her name is Nela and she is only 6 months.  Since she is just a child, she is a just a big bundle of energy. I wish I lived in a house with a yard, I would definitely have my own Nela.

 “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” ― Josh Billings

It was an awesome night. We always promise to see more of each other but for some reason, we don’t. It seems it is always an once a year thing.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” ― C.S. Lewis

This was February 2022 (peace is still a dream)

10 Tuesday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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Continuing my recap of 2022, this was February.  I am hoping to get the rest of 2022 done in the next couple of weeks.

“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” ― Toni Morrison, Beloved

In February I gave notice to my tenant to move out.  It felt like freedom… momentarily. From the moment I gave notice to the moment he actually left it took several painful months.

I almost got scammed by the car dealership when I went in for an oil change. That experience taught me not to go to car dealerships for regular oil changes.

“Potential has a shelf life.” ― Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye

I went on a coffee date, looking more for a potential skiing partner than a romantic one.  One week later the date and I went skiing at Hunter Mountain.  We had a great time.  I thought we would remain in touch, but we didn’t.  We exchanged a few messages but then I just let it go.

“Don’t take anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering” ― Don Miguel Ruiz

A lady at the mosaic studio was offended when I mentioned I was naming one of my mosaic pieces after her friend.  She felt her friend would be upset.  I learned how some people can be so sensitive, even if it is for something that has nothing to do with them.  I was upset for a moment and then realized it was not really about me. It was about this person’s own issues. She had been going through some grief.  I just let it go.

“Conduct yourself in a manner that is worthy of respect and don’t worry about what others think.” ― Bohdi Sanders, Men of the Code: Living as a Superior Man

The war in Ukraine started. The world feels even more fragile, uncertain and scary. Now, almost a year later it seems the world just got used to it.  How crazy is it that we can get used to everything in life, even a war?  The sad reality is, unless it personally affect us, life goes on.

As I write this, I am reading about the ugly protests in Brazil yesterday.  Actually that was not a protest.  Protests are peaceful.  That was an ugly, violent attack on our congressional buildings, on our symbols of justice and democracy.  It was like watching the January 6 Capitol scenes all over again.  I was very saddened but not surprised. Bolsonaro followed Trumps’s playbook to a T, and so did his followers.  I was surprised that the authorities were not prepared for it.

I pray for Ukraine.  I pray for Brazil.  I pray for the world.  I pray for peace and unity! May each person have more love in their heart for their fellow human being.

“The sadness of the world has different ways of getting to people, but it seems to succeed almost every time.” ― Louis-Ferdinand Céline, Journey to the End of the Night

Not Resolutions, Goals!

31 Saturday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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Cheers to an amazing 2023!

Cheers to an amazing 2023!

I didn’t want to make any New Year’s resolutions.  I didn’t want the pressure.  I still don’t.  But, at the same rate, I want to have goals and accomplish them.

What is the difference between resolutions and goals?  To me resolutions are just wishful thinking.  One just comes up with things they want to change, but with no set plans to get it accomplished. After one week or two into the new year, all is forgotten.

Goals are a written list of what one wants to achieve, along with detailed steps to get it done. Writing it down, and having clear steps aligns the thoughts with the actions.

As I get older, time seems finite and limited. I cannot waste it.  Whatever I want I need to get serious about getting it, doing it, accomplishing it. The time is now.

Wishing you all, old and new friends, the most amazing New Year! Wishing you blessings and miracles!

“Make New Year’s goals. Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you’re interested in fully living life in the year to come.

Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction.

What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to attract into your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?

What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life?

What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career?

Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down – as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go.

The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.”
― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency

Looking back – January 2022

29 Thursday Dec 2022

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At the office – still in the Christmas mood

Before I look to the future and talk about my plans for 2023, I want to take a look back.  Is 2022 really over?  Didn’t it just start?

I am going to look back month by month, otherwise it would be a very long post.

THIS HAPPENED IN JANUARY 2022

It was a busy month, even though I spent most of it struggling with Covid. Some of the symptoms stayed around for 3 months.  Actually, the mental fogginess and anxiety still visit every now and then.

Feeling sick, as it often does, highlights the joys of a time when one is healthy.  At that moment nothing else matters. Health is indeed our most sacred commodity!

A co-worker that I have had issues with in the past got mad at me, for no real reason, and blocked me on our internal communication chat.  I think he felt he had to have the last word.  Weeks later he unblocked me because he needed something.  I then blocked him, not as revenge but as a protection of the peace of not having to chat with him had afforded me.  We now communicate only via email when it is absolutely necessary.

I learned that no matter how much I try, some people will not like me.  I learned that sometimes the best communication is no communication at all. I also learned that forgiving is a virtue, but forgetting can be dangerous.  We have to set up and enforce boundaries to protect our emotional being.

After canceling a date with the Greek because of Covid, we eventually met for the 4th date.  I was really not feeling any chemistry, but since I said I would treat him for his birthday I felt I needed to go.  I was hoping we could be friends.  That night we disagreed on a couple of topics, but as we ended the night, I thought he understood and accepted friendship.

After that, he diminished the number of texts, so I assumed he had gotten the message.  More about him in March.

People will sometimes assume things about me. It is not on me; it is on them.  I cannot force anyone to understand me. I know who I am.  That is enough.

The infamous EX-boyfriend (the cause for the start of this blog 10 years ago) reached out with a weird text about the sauna in his house.  I did what I always do.  I ignored him.  And blocked him.

He no longer has any effect on me. It took me years to put my heart back together after him.  It all passes and I grow stronger and stronger.

I reconnected with an older woman, my mom and I had met in Israel.  It is good to reconnect with people that brings us good memories.  It brightened her day and mine.

I just called her today.  She is now 90 years old.  She was so happy to hear from me. She is such a kind soul.  

I need to remember the good souls from my past and do more of an effort of reaching out. Human connections are important, specially the ones that make my heart sing!

I finally got my floors finished and, and in the process the noise disturbed my neighbors.  I had notified the building management, but they had failed to notify the neighbors.  Instead of getting mad, I knocked on the neighbor’s door with a bottle of wine and a smile as an apology.  They were surprised.

We are now great friends. My sister and I are now included in their get-togethers.

It is often better to take the high road.  It definitely better to be happy than to be right!  It is hard to fight the instinct to fight, not to be perceived as weak and a doormat. But I choose to pick my battles.  Not everything requires a fight. Sometimes is better to solve issues with a bottle of wine and a smile.

That was a summary of January 2022. February coming next.

Final mosaic projects of the year: A basket of flowers and a picture frame

21 Wednesday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Mosaic and other crafts

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“The earth laughs in flowers.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

My last 2 mosaics of the year.  The basket of flowers I made at the studio, and the picture frame I made at home.  I am trying to get used to doing projects at home, for those times that the studio is closed.

They are mostly made from dinner plates and coffee mugs.

With each project I get more and more ideas.  The mosaic world is huge and I want to explore it all!  May you find a hobby you love as much as I love doing mosaics!

“I must have flowers, always, and always.”
― Claude Monet

“In joy or sadness, flowers are our constant friends.”
― Okakura Kakuzo

“If you want a forgotten corner to be remembered, a featureless place to be loved, a shadowy emptiness to shine, put some flowers there!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

“There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.”
― Abraham Lincoln

A BLESSED HOLIDAY SEASON TO ALL!  THANK YOU FOR GRACING ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE, ENERGY, SUPPORT AND LOVE!  YOU ARE APPRECIATED AND LOVED! 

Holiday Season Anxiety: feeling the pressure to give the perfect gift

20 Tuesday Dec 2022

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“A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.” ― Seneca

The holiday season gets me very anxious.  My source of anxiety is gift giving and tipping.  I think I have mentioned here before that I hate shopping.  I will do some online but I rather just put cash in an envelope.

But, how much?  For the personnel at my apartment building(8 people) and my office building (9 people) I have an excel spreadsheet that I keep track of how much I have given in the past.  I just update it.  Some people are gone, some new people have been hired.  Still, I obsess over it.

Do I give the same amount?  Do I adjust for inflation? Or do I adjust by how much they have helped me throughout the year?  If that is the case then I would give nothing to some.  In the end everyone gets at least what they got last year.  I have the feeling that I overtip, but I guess that is better than undertip.

What do I do about some people, such as my friends, that I cannot just put cash in an envelope?  My second go-to gift is a gift card.  But to where?  Starbucks?  Amazon? Or is that just lame?

I am one of those people that have good intentions.  Every year I plan on paying attention to people, to their conversation, likes and dislikes, so that on their birthday and at Christmas I will know what to give.  Big failure, I never put those plans in motion.  Pay attention to conversation?  That is so foreign to me.  I am too busy talking or thinking of what to say next.

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.” ― Erma Bombeck

Tonight is my last night at the mosaic studio before Christmas, and I still don’t have a gift for the owner/teacher.  She is such an amazing person.  She is so thoughtful and giving. Throughout the year she has given me little things here and there just because.  She already gave me a couple of things for Christmas.  I need to find the perfect gift for her, not only because of those gifts but because of the joy she gives me by having the mosaic studio. Her guidance and joy is priceless.

The clock is ticking… I can probably buy myself some time and announce that I have something coming, but its arrival is late.  Yes, I am considering lying and blaming the mailman.  I will probably just come clean and tell the truth: I don’t know what to give, so I freeze.

I am always hoping that people don’t give me anything, because the pressure to retribute is immense.  The more thoughtful their gift is, the more anxious I get.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love to give.  The moment I know someone needs something I am the first one to give/donate.  I struggle with coming up with ideas for people that have everything.  My problem is feeling the pressure to find the perfect gift.

For some new acquaintances I like to give a bag with 3 of my favorite books: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.  I also bring soaps and lotions with natural ingredients from Brazil as gifts.  Perhaps there is a bit of thoughtfulness in me after all.

Happy gift giving and receiving to you all! I have some more obsessing to do.

“Books make great gifts because they have whole worlds inside of them. And it’s much cheaper to buy somebody a book than it is to buy them the whole world!” ― Neil Gaiman

If my money grew like my money tree is growing…

15 Thursday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message

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Money tree (on the wall is a panel forest scene my mom painted)

“The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another’s, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises.” – Leo Buscaglia

My money tree is out of control.  For the longest time it was just one height, it never really grew… until now.  All of a sudden it keeps achieving new heights.

Will it stop eventually or do I put a stake up so I can guide it and keep it straight?  After all it is called “tree” so perhaps it can be as tall as a tree.

I just Goggled and apparently it is like a bonsai tree, it needs to be trimmed.

That is venturing into scary gardening area.  I will water it, and even repotted it, but taking a pair of scissors to it is a different ball game.

I never intended to keep plants.  Well, what I mean is I never intended on being a gardener.  My idea of having plants was “just water it once a week”.  And that is what I have been doing.  My plants are thriving not because of me, but because of the sunlight here.

Well, I do talk to them, so that may help a bit.  And I do repot them when they get too large for their pot. So, I guess I have been gardening without knowing.

Similar to any other relationship, the relationship with plants takes work.  For them to prosper I need to invest time and care.  What I will get out of it, is in proportion to the care and time I put into it.  No brainer really.  Just life explaining to me, yet again, the concept of work and reward.

So,  trimming I will.  Wish me luck!

I got this plant years ago just because of the name. According to Feng Shui, the money tree brings prosperity and good luck.  It should be placed in the southeast area of the home or office.

Now if I can only figure out where the southeast area is…

“Everyday is a bank account, and time is our currency. No one is rich, no one is poor, we’ve got 24 hours each.” ― Christopher Rice

Being ok with disappointment

13 Tuesday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Disappointment is just the action of your brain readjusting itself to reality after discovering things are not the way you thought they were.” – Brad Warner

I am still sad and disappointed over Brazil’s loss at the World Cup! It is stupid, it is just a game, but why does it hurt so much?

To us Brazilians it feels bigger than a just a game.  It is our identity.  I grew up thinking Brazil was the best soccer team in the world.  We had something of our own to be proud of.

But, Friday, we didn’t play the jogo bonito (beautiful game).  The players looked tired. It was definitely not a good day for us.  Actually, we haven’t played well in many, many years. We have been living in the past.

I sound like a hardcore soccer fan.  I am not.  But when it is the World Cup, I love everything about it.  Specially thinking that Brazil may triumph.

What to do when you are disappointed about something that you have no control of?  Not much.  I did what I often do with feelings that are hard to deal with. I confront them. I acknowledge them. I sit with them in discomfort.

I acknowledged that I was disappointed.  I accepted the loss and accepted that it hurt.  Brazil lost fair and square, no one to blame.  There was no anger, just sadness.

The best team that day won.  And unfortunately the best team was not Brazil.  Kudos to Croatia!

Now what?  Now we wait another 4 years to try again.  It is life, and we move on. Now we have 4 years to think about what went wrong, make better choices and try again.

The World Cup 2022 has lost some of its flavor for me, but I will still tune in and root for the underdogs. Go Morocco! May they make history and go all the way!

“When we refuse to work with our disappointment, we break the Precepts: rather than experience the disappointment, we resort to anger, greed, gossip, criticism. Yet it’s the moment of being that disappointment which is fruitful; and, if we are not willing to do that, at least we should notice that we are not willing. The moment of disappointment in life is an incomparable gift that we receive many times a day if we’re alert. This gift is always present in anyone’s life, that moment when ‘It’s not the way I want it!” ― Charlotte Joko Beck