“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
― Steve Maraboli,
I have been promising an update on Ex for awhile now, so it is about time I step up and do it. It is not really an update about Ex, but about my feelings about Ex. He, I am sure continues to do well, not ever having any issues with this break up. He was always fine, he got rid of me the same way he changes a shirt. Without a second thought, without blinking an eye.
I am not sure if I should envy or feel sorry for people that are able to get rid of people that easy. He was able to erase 3 years like it never happened. Why am I making someone in my life so important when clearly I meant nothing?
I didn’t really want to write this update because I know I am going to look foolish. First, why after 2 years I am still struggling with feelings regarding Ex? I am better and smarter than that! Second, why did I contact him? Yep, I had never contacted him in the last 2 years, I have replied every now and then when he contacts me, but I never reached out first. So, why now? The answer is stupidity, plain stupidity!
For a moment I thought about not writing anything about it. But the reason why I started this blog in the first place was Ex, so if I am to leave my true feelings about this situation out of this blog I may as well stop writing it. If it is not the whole truth, what is then the point?
I go through patches of feeling high on life and not thinking about Ex at all, to phases of thinking of him every night when my head hits the pillow.
Through the summer we exchanged emails and texts regarding tickets to the US Open. I felt good about the exchanges. I bought tickets, sent him the check and he sent me the tickets. We never met or talked on the phone. I was happy that he never proposed meeting in person to exchange tickets/cash. I felt this was a step towards in the right direction. I thought to myself: perhaps one day we can be friends.
“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You…Be Free…Share.”
― Steve Maraboli
So on the opening night at the US Open I saw him walk in and take his seat. Even thought my seat was across the stadium I knew exactly where his seats were and my eyes couldn’t help going there every few seconds until the moment I saw him walking in with the girlfriend.
I had a friend with me and I pointed him out to her and said: I am going to text him and tell him I see him. She said do it, and I did. All I texted was : “I see you”
He didn’t reply anything until later on when he wrote: “I wish I had seen you”. By then I had already realized what a big mistake I had done, actually 2 seconds after sending it I wished I could have taken it back.
I didn’t reply.
The next morning he sent another text saying sorry for not having offered me a ride home and saying he hoped I had stayed dry (it had rained the night before).
Again I should have remained silent but I couldn’t help it and wrote: “I don’t think your girlfriend would be too happy sitting in the back and I am not a backseat kind of girl!”
He replied:” She knows of my love for you and would have” My thoughts when I read this was of how delusional he can be thinking that any girl would agree with that scenario.
I just laughed it off. I didn’t reply anything anymore. I should not have started anything to begin with.
And life went on as usual until September 19 when he wrote:”I am sorry for the troubles between our 2 countries. I want you to know that I love you and I hope all is well”
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”
― Steve Maraboli
For some reason that text hit a chord. I have received texts and emails from email from him before where he will say I love you, but this one hit a nerve. It made me feel all kids of feelings. I was sad and angry. I have to be completely honest here and say that I still liked getting texts from him, I still like hearing that he loves me. But, what is the point? Does he even know what love is? If he ever loved me he wouldn’t have treated me the way he did. Why do I need still this fake closeness? But I decided not to react and let it go. Feeling that my silence was the best reply.
This text came as I was going to Boston for the wedding. I thought to myself: perfect, now I will be an emotional basket case at this wedding. Funny enough I was not. I was happy my friend was getting married and at no point I wanted to be the one walking down the aisle. I was shocked at my being completely unemotional about it. There were no thoughts of Ex, of what could have been, nothing!
But for some reason after returning home, all I have been doing is think of him and miss him all over again. Re-reading that text made me angrier and angrier at him, at myself, at the world. How dare him stir those feelings up? Why do I still miss him when I know he is not good for me? It seems he has some kind of radar. As I am not even remembering he exits there comes a text from him and revives everything inside me.
“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”
― Steve Maraboli
So the past few days I have been struggling and having the craziest of thoughts. Ready to hear it? No, you are not ready, but I am going to tell you anyway. I came very close to asking him if he wanted to go skiing together. Yes, how stir crazy is that? I should be committed for letting such a thought enter my mind. Thank God, there was a little voice inside of me with some common sense.
So a few days ago I texted him and asked him not to contact me ever again. Here is what I said: “Stop hurting me by mentioning the word love. You don’t know the meaning of the word. You don’t have any idea of my pain. I have accepted the reality long ago but that doesn’t lessen the pain. Help me by forgetting I exist. It should be easy for you. Do not contact me! I wish you happiness and success.”
I cringe when I read it now. I sound childish and stupid. It is more like a love declaration then anything else. But at the end of the day, it is honest and it was what I was feeling at the moment. Impulsive Aries triumphs again. oh well…
Some people ask me, what does he want. I think he wants to be my friend. In his mind we are friends. He wants his actions to be okay. He thinks he did nothing wrong and if I am his friend then that is a validation that he didn’t do anything wrong.
After my text he didn’t contact me again, as I knew he wouldn’t. So now on again to the process of recovery. I am also motivated to make new memories. I realize that some of my favorite memories are with him, so thinking of good things in my past involves thinking of him. It is time for me to make new memories. I am in a way looking to rewrite the past.
So the first new memory to be recreated will be Whistler, BC. Skiing anyone?
The bottom line is: Two years have passed and I am back at the beginning! Sad realization! No conclusion, no great insight, just the need to take one step at a time and be good to myself.
“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!”
― Steve Maraboli