“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli
It is over. I knew something was off, which I still don’t know what it is, but I know he has changed. I had pushed for more information with the phone call yesterday and ended up more confused.
Last night he texted just good night and I replied to it in French, as I am trying once again to teach myself French. We exchanged a couple of texts about Paris and that was it.
Around 2 pm this afternoon he texted me just as I was struggling with a bleeding nose.
He texted 1 word: Hello
I replied about my bloody nose and that was it.
I know it is just one word, but I read so much into that. I could tell that he had no intentions of scheduling any dates. I hate being in limbo and feeling like I am at somebody’s mercy.
In my mind and heart I need things resolved, yes or no, I just want to know. This not knowing where I stand or what his plans are were making me ill. I think my nosebleed was my body rebelling against this situation.
I have a lot on my plate at this moment to be wasting time and energy on somebody that is not giving me what I need, even after I explained to him exactly what I need.
This is a relationship that romantically would never work. The only way it would work is if I was able to relax and go with the flow. Those are not in my DNA. I am trying but continue to fail.
So later I texted him later. Here it is:
He has not replied after that, which surprised me, but also made me happy and have more respect for him. I rather silence then some stupid reply to pacify me such as: I care about you, I am busy, etc, etc.
I know I will not get the truth from him so I rather have silence and have it resolved in my heart. I don’t have to wonder anymore if I am seeing him on Thursday or any other day this rest of week or next, or ever for that matter.
The “I try to get to city soon” felt insulting to me. Why ask me what night I am free if he clearly is not free any night?
So in my mind it is all settled. If he ever contacts me again I have no problem in seeing him again and being friends but I definitely don’t want a romantic relationship anymore. I deserve more. I deserve promises kept.
I was also becoming a person that I don’t like. I was feeling like a complainer, like a beggar, like a victim. I am none of those things. I want somebody that will make me soar not crawl.
“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” – Paulo Coelho
Besides this total lack of concern for my feelings, there was already the kissing issue that I didn’t know if we could get over. There was also a lack of depth in our conversations that I had hoped that with time it would change.
But it felt so amazing for a little bit. The potential and possibility made my heart sing. All the compliments, the attention, the plans and the promises felt wonderful. I was on top of the world. With Valentines Day around the corner and, lets not forget, the Opera I was feeling like a lucky girl.
I fell in love with the potential. I fell in love with the idea of him, of us.
Life seems so cruel sometimes. But I know better. I know that everything is to make me better and that things that are not good for me have a way of disappearing from my life. I am not about to question the Universe, instead I just thank my Guardian Angels that are always watching out for me.
Our communication styles are too different. I blame it on our astrological signs. He is Pisces and I am Aries.
They are both perfectly good signs but I struggle in communicating with real Pisces people. I say “real” because some people have more traits of the signs that come before or after, and other details that go into it. I am not crazy into Astrology. I haven’t read my horoscope in years, but I do pay attention to the signs of the people I deal with and I have opinions formed based on those experiences.
The Pisces people that I know, and one is very close to me, are wonderfully amazing people. They go out of their way to please people. They are quiet and keep their feelings in. They don’t want confrontation so they tell me exactly what I want to hear. They agree with me on a course of action and then they turn around and do whatever they please. That is a Pisces that I know and love and have learned to deal with.
When P told me he was Pisces I thought about this Pisces man that is close to me and I hoped that P would be different. He is not. Because I had some experience with his style I thought I would be able to maneuver it and make it work.
I failed. I can’t betray my personality and my feelings and I cannot change anyone. I cannot extract blood from a rock. I cannot get from people what they don’t have in them to give to me.
I am an Aries. I tell you like it is. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am impulsive, stubborn. I want results and have no patience for details. I want to be in charge. I am a great person but I agree I am not easy to deal with. I expect to talk about problems and resolve them and not sweep them under the rug.
He will be a great partner for somebody less fiery than me. He used to say I was a ball of fire and that he like that I am me. He liked that we were so different. That difference killed us.
I honestly hope that whatever is happening with him is not bad. I know something is happening. I still want to be his friend, but I am not ever contacting him again. If he texts me I will probably reply. If calls me I will probably let it go to voice mail for awhile. If he totally disappears that is okay too. I said my piece. I am done!
Some of you may be surprised but I feel good and happy. I like things resolved and it feels resolved to me. Do I want to swear off dating now? Absolutely not! I actually feel I am closer to meeting the one. The bigger the disappointment the bigger the reward. This seemed so much like the real thing that I cannot even imagine how amazing it will be when the real one shows up.
I predict amazing things for my future with or without a man, but I know in my heart there will be one for me. One that will put up with this ball of fire.
Today I opened an email from the Universe that read:
Have you noticed, Star, that sadness in your life has never, ever, not even once, lasted?
How perfect is that for today? And that is so true.
If you too want to get emails from the Universe go to http://www.tut.com and sign up.
I am so amazingly blessed!!
“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to the amazing readers that I have! You guys are the friends that I don’t have in my day to day life. I wish I could have you right here with me. You lift me up, you keep me honest, you set me straight. I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate your kindness in telling me like it is. I am immensely grateful that you take your time and energy to read about my life and you kindly offer me your perspective. You allow me to be me, you welcome me, guide me and embrace me. Reading your comments I feel your love. Please know that you are loved, valued, you are meaningful in my life! I am so grateful and proud to call you a friend.
I will talk about all the lessons I have learned in this experience in the next post. There are always lessons and this is no different.
And I know that it may seem to some that I am making a big deal and that his actions may not seem that bad, but what I have to say to that is: Talk to my heart. I follow it blindly, and it is telling me that something was not right.
Again this post was drafted in a hurry as I wanted to update everyone on the newest happenings or lack thereof. So please forgive the mistakes. I still have some office work to do before shower and bed.
“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.” – Frank Herbert