Monthly Archives: June 2020

Don’t just…, excel at it!

28 Sunday Jun 2020

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This week zoomed by.  It was a blur.  Phase III started on Tuesday in New Rochelle.  Restaurants are now open for indoor seating at 50% capacity. Some restaurants put tables on the sidewalk and I love that.

On Sunday I had my first meal at a restaurant.  My sister and I were spending the day with a friend.  We went to Chat 19 in Larchmont because they have outdoor seating.

We had a great time, and great food.  After that we went to the Larchmont Manor Park, shown on the picture above. It was a beautiful day.  It felt freeing.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”― Thich Nhat Hanh

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Last night, Friday I met a friend/business acquaintance for an afternoon drink/early dinner.  I showed her my neighborhood and we chose to sit outside at a Colombian Restaurant.  My sister met us there after she finished work.

We had passionfruit mojitos and empanadas and skirt steak, among other things.  All delicious.  We were sitting there talking and people watching for over 4 hours.  I also learned a lot about her life here and back in Australia where she is originally from.  I knew very little of her up to last night.  It is wonderful to understand the reasons why someone does what they do, or live the way they live.

“Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?
We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person’s essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?”― Haruki Murakami

Tonight I will have my first date from Match.com.  I just realized that he is only 39 years old, and I am not.  I have thought about canceling but I don’t think there is any harm in meeting him and making a new friend.

He seems so nice and thoughtful.  He is driving over 1 hours from NJ to come to my neighborhood to take me to dinner.  He chose a nice restaurant with a back patio that looks great.  

I will go with an open mind, and don’t let the age influence me.

UPDATE: Right as I was about to post this I received a text from my date saying he had to postpone it for next week.  He said had to stay near his laptop because of some work crisis. He also added: “The only other option would be for you to come here”

I don’t know if this is true or not, or if he is just being lazy trying to have me drive to him instead of him driving to me. Whatever it is, it just feels lame to me.  I will definitely not be going to him.  My gut tells me that a date next week doesn’t seem likely.

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.”― Mark Z. Danielewski,

So it seems life is getting back to normal, or I should say new normal.  Will the new normal be better than the old normal?

As I wrote that I paused to reflect.  Do I want everything to go back to normal?  Yes and no!  I guess this is the perfect time for me to reflect on the changes that I want to make and keep in my life.  What I want my new normal to look like?  For starters I want to have a better work-life balance. 

What a wasted opportunity life would be if we as a humanity didn’t learn anything in the last 4 months? Time to reflect in our own lives and see where we can improve to benefit ourselves and our neighbors.

“Don’t Just

Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

It is now or never again

25 Thursday Jun 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“When one has once fully entered the realm of love, the world — no matter how imperfect — becomes rich and beautiful, it consists solely of opportunities for love.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

I decided to get back on the horse. And by horse I mean online dating.  I just signed up for it again.  I felt that I was getting too complacent, too comfortable in my oneness.  It feels that if I don’t just do it right now I will never get back to it.

Even though I always enjoyed speaking to new people and going on dates, lately every time I thought of joining I would think of it as a chore and would go off do something else.  So today I made a point of signing up before I gave up on it forever.  I am once again a member of Match.com.

I have never given up on the idea of love.  I just have been passive about it.  Instead of actively looking for it, I was just sitting back and letting it find me. It didn’t!

“It is impossible to exist without passion”― Søren Kierkegaard

That approach, or should I say non-approach, wasn’t really working.  I am not a person that sits and waits.  I go out there and get the job done…or die trying.  I rather take the initiative, be aggressive and know that I am doing my part and having a hand in my destiny.

The Bible says: God helps those that help themselves.

Paulo Coelho says: When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

Rumi says: what you seek is also seeking you.

So I want God, Paulo Coelho, Rumi and the entire Universe to know that I am actively doing my part.  I want the Universe to know that I am still here and still wanting and still trying to find love.

Winning or losing I want to feel that at least I am part of the game. I don’t want to be just a spectator.

“Many of us pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that we hurry past it.”― Søren Kierkegaard

I don’t need a man but I want one.  I miss the intimacy.  I miss the flirting.  I miss the idea of having common goals and working together to achieve them.  I want to believe that it will happen, actually I firmly believe that it will happen.  It is only a matter of time.  I can’t hurry love, as the song below says.

I also have never given up on the idea of the fairy-tale. But my version of fairy tale doesn’t involve princes in shining armors and white horses, just has men that pays their bills on time and showers daily.  Is that too much to ask?

I feared that if I waited any longer I would just give up the idea of online dating all-together.  I had fun before and I still believe in it.  Or perhaps I just want an excuse to get out of the house.

Stay tuned for all the dating adventures to come.  Fingers crossed.

“It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it.”― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

My handiwork and the flirty older man

23 Tuesday Jun 2020

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“This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.” ― Alan Watts

On Saturday I had to go into work to meet a couple of contractors, one to deal with some computer issues and one to measure the curtains.

They both showed on time and did what they needed to do.  Actually, the tech guy came, did his job and left.   The curtain guy seemed to want to stick around.

The curtain installer came to remeasure the rolling shades I am ordering for the office. He measured them, explained to me why I needed to go with the original measurements and kept talking.  I walked him to the door and he didn’t seem to want to leave.

“All right,” Roland said. “Rudeness is forgivable, Blaine; so I was taught in my youth, and the clay has dried in the shapes left by the artist’s hand. But I was also taught that stupidity is not.” ― Stephen King, The Waste Lands

It reminded of being in Brazil.  When guests leave your home in Brazil you normally escort them to the door and talk for awhile being they get into the car and leave.  Sometimes one stays another hour at door talking before the guests finally leaves. And you have to make sure to wait till the car is leaving, wave good bye and then go back inside.  It is considered rude to go inside before the car leaves.

Anyway, the curtain guy is a nice older man but I think that he was mistaking my friendliness for interest.  I think he was trying to flirt with me.  I definitely didn’t want to give him the wrong impression by being too nice, but at the same time I am incapable of being rude.  He thinks I am married and I made sure not to correct him.   

Finally I said I had to get back to my work in the kitchen, which I did; and he left.  

“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. ” ― William James

I have been in this new office working alone and already I could see droplets of coffee on the wall behind the sink and coffeemaker so I decided I needed to have a back-splash installed before the employees came back to work.

I was going to use real tiles and make it lively and fun but I decided that at this point I just don’t have the time to dedicated to that.  I just need to get the office ready for when everyone start returning in next few weeks.  In the end I just went with the easy, fast and cheap route: peel and stick tiles.

“Why is patience so important?”
“Because it makes us pay attention.” ― Paulo Coelho

I have no patience to follow directions, but realized once again that I should have done so.  There were the instructions that came on the package, there were detailed reviews with additional instructions and also YouTube videos with additional tips, but I disregarded them all and did it my way.  

While I wish I had paid more attention to the instructions I am very happy with the result.  The imperfections are small and I don’t think anyone will notice them if I don’t point them out.  Next time I will follow directions, but for my tiny office kitchen this is perfect!

“If people knew how hard I had to work to gain my mastery, it would not seem so wonderful at all.” ― Michelangelo Buonarroti

The dizziness is speaking, I better listen

20 Saturday Jun 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I was almost 100% better when all of a sudden some of the dizziness came back.  Now I know for sure that it is somehow related to stress.  Wednesday was a day beyond stressful, and the dizziness came back immediately.  Now I experience it sporadically throughout the day. 

I didn’t return to the doctor today as it was scheduled.  I didn’t see the point of going back to an ENT when he didn’t find anything wrong the first time.  If anything I rather go to a neurologist.  But for now my plan of action is to work on how to better deal with stress. 

I will write more about it on the next post as I am short on time and I want to make sure I am get enough sleep.  For now I will leave you with a beautiful prayer. 

My Lord, help me to tell the truth in front of strong people
and not to lie to obtain the applause of the weak ones.
If you give me fortune, do not take away my reasoning.
If you give me success, do not take away my humility.
If you give me humility, do not take away my dignity.
Always help me to see the other side of the coin.
Don’t let me blame others of betrayal just because they don’t think just as I do.
God, teach me to love people as I love myself and to judge me as I judge others.
Please, don’t let me be proud if I succeed, or fall in despair if I fail.
Rather remind me that failure is the experience that precedes triumph.
Teach me that forgiveness is a sign of strength and revenge is a sign of weakness.
If you take success from me, give me encouragement to learn from failure.
If I ever offend people, give me courage to apologize to them.
If people offend me, give me the ability to forgive them.
Lord, if I ever forget you please forgive me and never forget me.

― Mahatma Gandhi

50% damaged, but 100% blessed and amazing

15 Monday Jun 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message

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“Peace begins
When expectation ends.”
― Sri Chinmoy, Perfection and Transcendence

It is always the same story for me when it comes to doctor visits.  I am always so hopeful before I go, and then so disappointed in the end.   

I expect to get answers and a proposed plan of action, but normally end up with just maybes. I expect validation of my feelings and symptoms, and end up feeling like it was all in my mind or the issue so minor that it was all a waste of time.  

“He wondered, with some annoyance, whether he would finally learn what he wanted to know, or if he would have in the end to content himself with what he already knew. He felt that, at his age, patience was ceasing to be a virtue and was becoming a luxury he could less and less afford.”― Romain Gary,  The Roots of Heaven

On Friday I went to an ENT to talk about my vertigo symptoms.  Conveniently for me there is one right in my office building. 

I was given an hearing test and then saw the doctor.  According to the doctor I have some, very minor hearing loss on the right ear.  Nothing to worry about it and nothing to do about it, as there is no nerve damage. It is not related to the dizziness that I have been feeling either.

I explained that even though I am still wobbly in the mornings I am 90% better by now.  Still I would like to discover the cause of it.  He said that this is the type of situation that is very hard to diagnose.  Guessing game here we go. 

Last time I had vertigo, about a year ago, my primary doctor instructed me to take allergy pills.  According to him the cause is often nasal congestion, even though I didn’t feel congested at all and don’t fee it now.

“The most exquisite pleasure in the practice of medicine comes from nudging a layman in the direction of terror, then bringing him back to safety again.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

This time I took allergy pills a couple of times and also motion sickness medication.  They seemed to help a little. 

The doctor said he would try something.  He lowered the table while I sitting up straight, then he pushed me back really fast.  It was uncomfortable but okay.  Had that been done on prior days I would probably pass out from the dizziness.

He said that because I had taken the medications they were probably suppressing the symptoms. I mentioned that I had only taken it a couple of times and the last time it was a day ago, but he said that still would interfere.    

He asked me not to take any more medication and return in one week. I asked:  “Should I still come back if by then I have no more symptoms? The symptoms are almost all gone by now.”

He said he still wants to see me anyway.  I said okay, but now that I think about it, what is the point? I am not sure I will go back if there aren’t any symptoms.  I don’t see the point.

“The doctor arrived towards dinnertime and said, of course, that although recurring phenomena might well elicit apprehension, nonetheless there was, strictly speaking, no positive indication, yet since neither was there any contraindication, it might, on the one hand, be supposed, but on the other hand it might also be supposed. And it was therefore necessary to stay in bed, and although I don’t like prescribing, nevertheless take this and stay in bed.”― Leo Tolstoy,  The Devil

Today, Sunday, I feel 95% better. We shall see how I feel by Friday when I have the follow up appointment.

I understand that I am not being  realistic in my expectations every time I see a doctor.  He is only human and not a miracle worker.

Moving on from this topic, I have one curiosity.  Is everyone more prone to have physical issues on one side of their body versus the other? All my problems are on my right side.  Is that because I am right handed and perhaps use and overuse more my right side?

These are my issues:

  • Right wrist.  I was developing carpal tunnel on my right wrist.  I now use the mouse on the left hand and all is fine.
  • Right hip. I have bursitis, arthritis and a tiny tear on my right hip.  I got used to living with the pain.
  • Right clavicle.  I have Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS) on my right clavicle.
  • Right eye.  Every now and then I have a sharp pain in the back of the right eye accompanied with some redness. I have a check up every year by a specialist and he says it is nothing.
  • Right ear.  And now I have been told that I have a minor hearing loss on the right ear.

Is there a spiritual meaning to that? I think there is a spiritual meaning to everything, so perhaps someone can enlighten me.  Why is my right side crying for attention and help?

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -― Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Gosh, I made myself sound so physically damaged 😦 Still I feel like I am only 25 years old.  That is, when the room is not spinning.

 

 

 

Wobbling my way through the day

09 Tuesday Jun 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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Pachira Aquatica (money tree)-legend has it that it brings wealth. I bought for the new office.

“The most poetical thing in the world is not being sick.”
― G.K. Chesterton, The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare

Thank you everyone for the get-well-soon wishes.  I am feeling much better now.  I still wake up wobbly.  It takes awhile to get going, but by the afternoon I am feeling more steady on my feet.

On the day when this vertigo crisis started I woke up with a long list of things to do.  Most of it had to do with getting my new office up and running.

All of a sudden, all the deadlines, the reports I had to hand in, the calls I had to make, all the deliveries I had to meet, it all took a back seat to me just being able to stand up.

In the afternoon I walked to the office, with some steps wobblier than others.  Next time I see people not steady on their feet I will never again assume that they are drunk or on drugs.  They could be afflicted with vertigo, like me, or some other condition that affects their balance.

“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.” – Shaun Hick

Not feeling well puts everything in perspective.

Humbling. Getting sick and not feeling well is humbling.  The world hasn’t stopped.  All is moving as it should. I am meaningless.  It does show me that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I am no longer the one that can get it all done.

How can I continue to be wonder woman if I can’t even stand up and walk straight?

Vulnerable. I am not invincible.  No one is. Having my body not respond as I want and expect is scary. Is wobbly my new normal? Feeling ill makes me look at being healthy in a different light. Being healthy is a necessity, not a luxury.

Liberating. All of a sudden I am free from all that NEEDED to be done and all I WANTED to get done.  There is nothing more important in the world then getting well and feeling better.  All rest will have to wait.

Control and Acceptance. Feeling ill reinforces the idea that I, as a human being, am not in control of anything.  The only thing that I can possibly try to control is my actions and reactions.  I accept my powerlessness at this moment.  I accept I am not 100%.

Reflection. Feeling ill and unable to do anything other than just lay there looking up at the ceiling is the perfect time for reflection. To reflect about the world and my role in it. To reflect about the lessons, as I am sure there are many being taught me now.  I can’t miss them.

Planning. It is also a perfect time for planning.  Because, of course, any time I don’t feel well, the first thing I dream of doing when I am better is conquering the world. Don’t you? I have this overwhelming feeling that I wasted precious healthy time.  That I didn’t do enough or as much as I should have. Therefore it gives me a renewed sense of purpose and urgency.

Gratitude.  Waking up every morning is a blessing and waking up healthier is even more so.  Not only the next day is not a guarantee, that we will be feeling well the next day is a gamble also.  I am being taught to appreciate every single moment and get busy living and doing all I can while I can.

I am grateful for the vertigo for slowing me down for awhile so I can come back with a faster gear and new resolve.

“I didn’t expect to recover from my second operation but since I did, I consider that I’m living on borrowed time. Every day that dawns is a gift to me and I take it in that way. I accept it gratefully without looking beyond it. I completely forget my physical suffering and all the unpleasantness of my present condition and I think only of the joy of seeing the sun rise once more and of being able to work a little bit, even under difficult conditions.”
― Henri Matisse

May we all get better in body, mind and soul

05 Friday Jun 2020

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For the last couple of days I have been suffering with vertigo, so all has taken a back seat until I feel steady on my feet again.  What was urgent now has to wait.

May you and your loved ones all find peace and joy this weekend! Blessings ♥♥

I found this prayer and wanted to share:

“May all beings everywhere
Plagued by sufferings of body and mind
Obtain an ocean of happiness and joy
By virtue of my merits.

May no living creature suffer,
Commit evil, or ever fall ill.
May no one be afraid or belittled,
With a mind weighed down by depression.

May the blind see forms
And the deaf hear sounds,
May those whose bodies are worn with toil
Be restored on finding repose.

May the naked find clothing,
The hungry find food;
May the thirsty find water
And delicious drinks.

May the poor find wealth,
Those weak with sorrow find joy;
May the forlorn find hope,
Constant happiness, and prosperity.

May there be timely rains
And bountiful harvests;
May all medicines be effective
And wholesome prayers bear fruit.

May all who are sick and ill
Quickly be freed from their ailments.
Whatever diseases there are in the world,
May they never occur again.

May the frightened cease to be afraid
And those bound be freed;
May the powerless find power,
And may people think of benefiting each other.

For as long as space remains,
For as long as sentient beings remain,
Until then may I too remain
To dispel the miseries of the world.”

-Dalai Lama, Prayer from Shantideva’s Way of the Bodhisattva

 

Love is the answer to every question

03 Wednesday Jun 2020

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I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.- Martin Luther King Jr.

Everyone is hurting.  Can we just stop this hurting and chaos?  Destruction and violence is never justifiable in my opinion.  What happened to respect? We are destroying each other.  We are destroying Mother Earth and everything in it.

Is this the kind of world that we want to leave behind?  Is this the legacy we want to leave our children?

Why is all this going on? Is it because some people think that their color, their race, their gender, their religion, their possessions are superior than that of his/her neighbor? And because of that they think they have more rights and less obligations?

Anytime you think you are better than somebody else you lose.  As Teddy Roosevelt said “Comparison is the killer of joy.” 

No one has more rights then his/her neighbor.  We all have the right to breathe and enjoy life free of persecution and fear.  We have the obligation to not interfere with somebody else’s right to live free.

“Judgment…is one of the ego’s tools to foster separation through comparison.”― Peter Santos

We are all travelers in this road called life.  Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.  Let’s not be judge and jury and guardians of the truth.  Let’s be messengers of peace, delivery people of goodness and love.

When I think about the meaning of life I think of it very simply.  I think of making someone smile.  I think of helping others.  I think of making memories.  There is no room in any of that for hate and violence.

“That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons that history has to teach.”― Aldous Huxley

What about the COVID19? I thought it had come about to teach us the huge lesson that we are all the same. The virus didn’t discriminate.  We were, and still are, forced to be apart…everyone starving for a hug from a loved one.

What about the big plans we had of being kinder to each other? Did we already forget?

It all starts right here with each one of us.  It starts at home and how we raise our children and how we treat our neighbors. Will we ever learn that we need to embrace and protect each other?  that we need to embrace and protect our families and communities?  We all just hunger to feel safe and protected.

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”― Maya Angelou

Let’s stop this craziness!  Let’s stop the stupidity! Choose love now and always! It shouldn’t be that hard.

It feels silly writing about something that should be so obvious:  Let’s all follow The Golden Rule.  Let’s treat each other as we want to be treated.  Let’s treat each other’s property as if it were our own.

Stop promoting violence in name of justice. Looting and riots have no place in the fight for equality. It only hurts, destroys and spreads fear.

Let’s treat Mother Earth as if it was our home and every human being as if he was my brother and sister!  oh wait, it is, and they are!

“Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!”
― Steve Maraboli