“The most poetical thing in the world is not being sick.”
― G.K. Chesterton, The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare
Thank you everyone for the get-well-soon wishes. I am feeling much better now. I still wake up wobbly. It takes awhile to get going, but by the afternoon I am feeling more steady on my feet.
On the day when this vertigo crisis started I woke up with a long list of things to do. Most of it had to do with getting my new office up and running.
All of a sudden, all the deadlines, the reports I had to hand in, the calls I had to make, all the deliveries I had to meet, it all took a back seat to me just being able to stand up.
In the afternoon I walked to the office, with some steps wobblier than others. Next time I see people not steady on their feet I will never again assume that they are drunk or on drugs. They could be afflicted with vertigo, like me, or some other condition that affects their balance.
“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.” – Shaun Hick
Not feeling well puts everything in perspective.
Humbling. Getting sick and not feeling well is humbling. The world hasn’t stopped. All is moving as it should. I am meaningless. It does show me that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I am no longer the one that can get it all done.
How can I continue to be wonder woman if I can’t even stand up and walk straight?
Vulnerable. I am not invincible. No one is. Having my body not respond as I want and expect is scary. Is wobbly my new normal? Feeling ill makes me look at being healthy in a different light. Being healthy is a necessity, not a luxury.
Liberating. All of a sudden I am free from all that NEEDED to be done and all I WANTED to get done. There is nothing more important in the world then getting well and feeling better. All rest will have to wait.
Control and Acceptance. Feeling ill reinforces the idea that I, as a human being, am not in control of anything. The only thing that I can possibly try to control is my actions and reactions. I accept my powerlessness at this moment. I accept I am not 100%.
Reflection. Feeling ill and unable to do anything other than just lay there looking up at the ceiling is the perfect time for reflection. To reflect about the world and my role in it. To reflect about the lessons, as I am sure there are many being taught me now. I can’t miss them.
Planning. It is also a perfect time for planning. Because, of course, any time I don’t feel well, the first thing I dream of doing when I am better is conquering the world. Don’t you? I have this overwhelming feeling that I wasted precious healthy time. That I didn’t do enough or as much as I should have. Therefore it gives me a renewed sense of purpose and urgency.
Gratitude. Waking up every morning is a blessing and waking up healthier is even more so. Not only the next day is not a guarantee, that we will be feeling well the next day is a gamble also. I am being taught to appreciate every single moment and get busy living and doing all I can while I can.
I am grateful for the vertigo for slowing me down for awhile so I can come back with a faster gear and new resolve.
“I didn’t expect to recover from my second operation but since I did, I consider that I’m living on borrowed time. Every day that dawns is a gift to me and I take it in that way. I accept it gratefully without looking beyond it. I completely forget my physical suffering and all the unpleasantness of my present condition and I think only of the joy of seeing the sun rise once more and of being able to work a little bit, even under difficult conditions.”
― Henri Matisse