Happy Valentine’s Day!
For some reason this Valentine’s Day is not bothering me as others have. Being single and alone is very comfortable and welcoming right now. I am enjoying and rejoicing in it. I am sufficient, I am enough – amazing discovery!
With that being said I continue to put myself out there and go on dates. I had a weird experience tonight that I will describe in a next blog.
Also, of course Ex had to send me a text wishing me Happy Valentine’s Day. I will discuss my feelings about it also in that next blog.
Remember to say I love you to the important people in your life, not only with words but with actions.
Lessons on a mountain! Choosing the right route for me!
I embarked on my skiing trip to Whistler so confident that I almost had to buy two seats in the plane to fit me and my ego. I thought I would get there and just magically be skiing blue trails.
On the first day I decided to go on a blue trail and realized I was biting more than I could chew, so I decided to get back to greens until my lessons the following days.
On the second and third days I had lessons with an instructor I didn’t care for. I thought he was a bit lazy and since I was the best one in the group I didn’t feel challenged. I thought the group was dragging me down. I had a bad internal attitude even though externally I was being agreeable and happy.
On the 4th day I had an instructor that was great. He challenged us and paid attention to what each one of us was doing. I was having so much fun. Then all of a sudden things changed. I cannot pinpoint the exact moment things changed. But all of a sudden there were voices of doubt in my head. They kept getting louder and louder. My legs stopped listening to me. I was suddenly the slowest, and the most scared of the group. I went from full confidence skiing greens and even blues in the morning to complete self-doubt in the afternoon.
In the afternoon I fell twice. I don’t have a problem with falling, I welcome it as a sign that I am taking chances. Except that was not the case this time. I didn’t lose my confidence because I fell, I fell because I lost my confidence. I became scared and started playing safe and not trusting my abilities.
The more I look back the more confused I get with what happened to me. I don’t have a reason for it other then to say that there were lessons I needed to learn.
“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” ― Rumi,
On the last day, fear had consumed me so much that I was now completely scared of greens. But I forced myself to continue trying even though I was now on the easiest green they have, where beginners start.
The whole time I am battling my mind I am thinking of ways to stop it. I am asking for help from God, from the Light, I am trying to talk myself out of this paralysis I find myself in. I am trying not to think of how dangerous the sport can be, because right now my mind has me thinking of even death. Then came the inevitable thought of quitting. Why do I need to continue to subject myself to this? What do I have to prove? And to whom?
I am no quitter! I have nothing to prove, but I never quit anything just because it was difficult. If anything difficulties make me want it even more. This is merely a roadblock, a distraction from my main goal. I know better than to quit over a minor setback.
There are many lessons here and I wish I knew what they all were, but for now this is what I am taking from it:
– Focus on myself. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t like about the first instructor and in the progress of the other students I should have focused on my progress. Focusing on the instructors made me negative and slowly corrupted my mind.
– Don’t judge and compare others. I kept comparing the first instructor with an awesome instructor I had in Colorado. Instead I should have been trying to learn and asking questions. He is an instructor for a reason, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance.
-Don’t compare yourself to others and think you are better or worse than they are. I was too busy comparing myself to the others in the group instead of watching my progress or lack of it. In the first group I considered myself the best, in the second I became the worst, but none of that should have mattered. It is not a competition!
-Don’t pretend to be happy and go with the flow if you have an option. I didn’t have to have same instructor on 2 straight days. I could and should have asked for another one. Trying to be agreeable is not always a good thing.
– Fear doesn’t have to be my enemy! Having a bit of fear and respect of nature and also an understanding of my abilities is a good thing if it means that it keeps me safe and from putting myself in unnecessary dangerous situations.
“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings.” ― Rumi
– Don’t be overconfident. Don’t be so full of yourself that you will misjudge your own abilities. Don’t expect progress when you don’t even know how your body will behave on a certain day and under certain conditions. Take things as they come, welcoming progress and learning from setbacks.
– Manage your expectations well. Be careful with expectations. Remember about always doing your best, but know that that your best changes. The conditions made all the runs difficult so I should have expected my performance to suffer and should have managed my expectations accordingly.
– Think of why you are doing something to begin with. I am skiing because is both challenging and fun. I should welcome challenging days as a huge opportunity for growth. I love it ski, I look forward to it. I don’t care how cold, how uncomfortable, how tired I am, I wish I was on a mountain right now.
– Life needs balance and it is all about balance. Self esteem needs balance. I am not the best or worst, I am my best/worst as I decide to be. I should strive for balance. Thinking highly of myself is mostly a good thing, but not when it blinds me to everything else, or when I consider myself superior to others.
“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You…Be Free…Share.”
― Steve Maraboli
I am determined not to let that fear interfere with my future. I didn’t recognize that person on the mountain! Finding out I have an insecure, unsure, fearful side was not pleasant, but I am sure it was for the best. I think this minor setback will make me stronger in the long run. Things that are easy acquired have no value; they are easily taken for granted. Being a good, comfortable skier is my aim and it will taste that much sweeter when I attain it. And I know I will, it is just a matter of when. I am not giving up. If anything, I am more enthusiastic about getting better. Each mountain is a lesson.
“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.” ― Ellen DeGeneres
At the end of the day I am glad for having experienced different feelings in my head and different conditions on the mountain. For some reason, my head took over and my heart went silent, while that is never the case in my life. Note to self: strive for balance of heart and mind.
And here is something that I know for sure: I am a flawed human, and yet I am wonderfully perfect!