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Tag Archives: embracing the future

The second date was a success!  Now what?

06 Saturday Jan 2018

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

being in the present, embracing the future, giving people a chance, La Boheme, learning to relax, letting go of past pains, Opera, second dates

“It is not uncommon for someone to be a self-saboteur and compound that by also having a victim mentality. It is as though they are holding their own breath and then blaming others for their inability to breathe. If they can break free from this cycle, everything in their life changes for the better.” – Steve Maraboli

Now I start getting scared and I either run away or I try to scare him away.  I will say something I shouldn’t. I will find faults.

He made the mistake of telling me that he likes me and that there is nothing I can do that will make him go away. He is smitten! I am scared!

What am I afraid of?  I am not sure. Perhaps I fear getting hurt or hurting someone.  Perhaps I fear being cheated on again. Perhaps I fear losing my freedom.

I have been trying to sabotage this potential relationship ever since. My mind is working overtime trying to find problems with him and reasons why it is not going to work.

Even before going on the second date I was already trying to sabotage it. He texted me to ask me which restaurant we should meet at.  I had a problem with that. I wanted him to choose the place.

I know that is a pretty bitchy attitude. Since I am not a bitchy person I think it is my subconscious attempt to mess things up.

I stopped, thought about what I was doing and decided to choose a restaurant instead of telling him that he should choose the place.

I chose a place I had been to before, Lea Wine Bar. It is a nice Tapas and Sushi place with a great atmosphere.  I had 2 lychee martinis that were amazing.  I even had Sushi for the first time.  Even though I have been to some of the best sushi places in Manhattan, I always ordered something else.  This time I tried the eel and it was good. I had some other tapas dishes, empanadas and bruschettas.

I told him at dinner that I like the man to choose the restaurant and that I was initially upset that he had asked me to choose.  He said that he wanted me to choose so that I could choose a convenient location but that from now on he is happy to choose it every time.

He is one of the nicest guys I have ever been on a date with.  My EX (the one that broke my heart and was what caused me to start this blog) was one of the nicest men too. He adored me from day 1. He treated me like a princess.  Then I found out he was cheating.

I don’t want to let that experience prevent me from giving this guy a chance, from giving me a chance. We are both excited about each other and the future, even though we have met only twice.  Unfortunately the weather here in the Northeast is brutal, so we are not sure when we will be meeting again.  Saturday and Sunday the cold will be record breaking and I don’t want him traveling over 1 hr to take me to dinner in such a weather.

He is very thoughtful and wants to take me anywhere I want to go.  He already got tickets for us to go to the Opera. His favorite Opera is La Boheme and he thinks that I will like it too. It is for February 16, which means that we have to be together until then. That is our joke now, that we have to put up with each other until then.

He is respectful, perhaps a bit too respectful. He kissed my hand a couple of minds and finally kissed me when I made it clear that it was okay.  The kiss didn’t blow me away. It was mostly a couple of pecks on my lips. I can tell, and he has told me, that he doesn’t to rush anything and upset me.

I didn’t want the date to end.  It felt comfortable and easy.  We both feel as if we have known each other forever.  It feels right.  But then the minute I step away I start questioning it, dissecting it, looking for problems.

Nothing is happening and I already have visions of missing being single. He is 59, and perhaps he is too old for me.  He lives too far, and I don’t like to drive.  Maybe he doesn’t know how to kiss and I will have to tell him that.  He is a laid back Pisces, I am a in your face Aries.

Now what?  Perhaps I can learn to be quiet and enjoy the moment, and not talk him and myself out of giving this a chance. Perhaps I can learn to not let my past interfere with my future. Perhaps I can just turn off my mind and be here now.

Perhaps I should just breathe!

***

“Closing The Cycle – Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” 

– Paulo Coelho

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Facing the one that broke my heart

07 Friday Jul 2017

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

1987 Mercedes Convertible, 560SL, burying the past, embracing the future, forgive and forget, forgiving and forgetting, meeting the ex, not holding any grudges, selling the car

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, out of the blue, my Ex (the one that broke my heart and got this blog started) emailed me wanting to buy my car.  I would normally ignore him but the idea of returning the car to the original owner and therefore really closing the door on the past seemed attractive and poetic.

I asked him to make an offer.  He offered $5,000.00 for a car that is worth between $15,000.00 and $18,000.00.  The low offer didn’t bother me as much as what he wrote in the email. He made it seem he gave me the car out of the goodness of his heart.  He also mentioned that I have been successful while he hasn’t done so well as if in a way I owe him something because of that.

First, he gave me the car because at that point he would have given anything to have me gone from his home and life.  He knew I had sold my car to move in with him since he had plenty of cars and I wouldn’t need mine anymore.  It was also perhaps a bit out of guilt, but somehow I doubt he is able to have such feelings.  Second, I work hard and whatever I have are the fruits of my labor.  His life hasn’t been so well since I left not because of me or because of the unfairness of life, but because of his own actions.  He is reaping what he sowed.

I don’t take any pleasure out of his life taking a bad turn.  In a way I am grateful I am no longer there to witness it and be involved in it.  Once, after the break up he said that he was not the man I needed him to be and that life would become a mess and it would better for me not to be there.  It makes some sense now.

After I got over the anger over the email I decided to accept the $5,000.00 and move on.

I was not looking forward to seeing him at all but it had to be done.  I just wanted to get things over with.  He had asked if I wanted to go to dinner to talk about the car and I had declined.  We met Friday afternoon at the parking lot where I had the car parked.

Seeing him at first was underwhelming.  He reached in for a hug and kiss and I just said hello.  Again, he mentioned going to a restaurant and again I declined, so we walked over to a ledge on the lot and proceeded to complete the paperwork.

I mentioned a couple of things about the car and gave me him the Carfax report.  He asked me how I was doing and I said ok.  Later he asked me again and I said:  What do you care?  He said:  I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care.  I let that go.

After he gave me the money and we signed all the paperwork, he wanted to give me a ride back home, I declined.  I said bye and he reached out to kiss me and hug me good bye.

I wished I had just walked away, but words came spilling out:  “We are not friends. You don’t understand, some wounds never heal.  You have lost someone that loved you very much.  We had the world and you threw it all away.  How could you do it?”

At that moment I could feel my eyes burning.  I had dark sunglasses on and I wanted to run away before he could tell I was crying.  I looked at him and he had tears running down his face.  He said: I love you.  I don’t remember what I said but I think was something like good luck or good bye and I walked away without looking back with tears running down my face.

I am not sure the origin of those tears.  Perhaps it was relief, or anger.  It was definitely not love or want or anything resembling that.  It was not wanting to have the past back or him in my future.  It was cleansing, it was clearing, it was a turning point.

Now days later he has emailed me a couple of times to ask things about the car.  Surprisingly enough I have been able to have a conversation with him and not feel anything.

I will have to see him again to give him the stand for the hard top as it didn’t fit in the car and he has to come back and get it.   Again he is mentioning going out to dinner and catch up.

It is crazy, but in a way I wish I could go.  I wish I could be his friend.  I wish he had acknowledged betraying and hurting me.  I wish he had said sorry.  I wish we could sit and talk.  If he only knew how easy it would be, all it would take was for him to say 3 little words: I am sorry.

For now I still feel gratitude to him.  Gratitude for the great times.  Gratitude for the lessons.  Gratitude for the pain that made me start this blog. Gratitude for being spared involvement in a financial mess.  Gratitude for making me realize how amazing and deserving of more I am.  Gratitude for being free and able to date and do whatever I want.

Thank you!

“Closing The Cycle

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” 

-Paulo Coelho

 

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The principal of Exchange and Letting go of the Bad and the Good!

13 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

being in the moment, Dr. Locard, embracing the future, Lasting impressions, letting go of the past, Principal of Exchange, Sherlock Holmes

I was watching a documentary regarding Sherlock Holmes.   It is amazing to realize how influential a fictional character can be and continues to be.  Sherlock Holmes was the product of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s mind and the principal character in his many famous detective books.  The books are as entertaining now as they were when they were first published.

In the documentary they talked about all the contributions that Sherlock has made to the field of crime scene investigation and forensics science.  They also mention Dr. Edmond Locard (late 1800s), a pioneer in forensic science who was heavily influenced by Sherlock and became known as the Sherlock Holmes of France.  Dr. Locard formulated the Principal of Exchange.

This basic principal says: “Every contact leaves a trace”.  Every perpetrator of a crime will bring something into the crime scene and will, at the same time, take with him something from it, and that both can be used as forensic evidence.

It got me thinking how that principal holds true to every human interaction and not only crime scenes.  We are always exchanging something with our fellow human beings every time we come in contact with each other, conscious or subconsciously.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” ― Pema Chödrön

During my daily interactions, what am I leaving behind and what am I taking with me?  We exchange touches, thoughts, words, expressions, feelings, and we always carry remnants of that with us.  We have lingering thoughts and feelings as a result of those interactions.  Do you realize how much we are affecting and being affected by people long after we parted ways?

I often catch myself mulling over things that were said to me or things that I left unsaid, or perhaps things I said that it was probably better left unsaid.  I catch myself reliving a moment or a feeling, continuing to be hurt or be happy over things in the past.

I strive to add only good things to people’s lives.  I like the idea of leaving people and places better than I found them, but am I really doing that?  Are there people out there angry with me, hurt by me?  What about the ones that have angered and hurt me?  I have said I have forgiven them, but have I really? Or am I still carrying traces of pain and resentment with me?

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it. ” ― Thích Nhất Hạnh

While I am not in control of what people choose to take from me and from interactions with me, I can help by doing my part of being more aware of my words and actions.  I am always striving to be in the moment, and this is another reason to be more conscious of the present moment.  What mark am I leaving? After all little marks, little moments, translate into lasting impressions.  What am I choosing to leave behind? What am I choosing to take with me? The answer to me is always the same: happiness, joy, positivism.  I want leave people with good thoughts and good feelings about me and I want take with me only good positive thoughts and not any negative energy.

I will try to be the first to say I am sorry.  I will say more thank you and excuse me every chance I get.  I will smile more and hug more.  I will forgive more.  I will let things go more easily.  I will not be ruled by anger and will not overreact.  I will not raise my voice.  When in doubt, I will err on the side of being nice, patient and forgiving.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

What are the things I have been dragging around from the past?  In regards to the crime scene that was the relationship and breakup with Ex, I am happy to say that I firmly believe that the pain, hurt and resentment are gone.

In the beginning I made an effort to remember bad things so that I would be angry at him and forget him.  Later I held tight to the good memories as a way to validate the fairytale I thought I had lived.   Now I realize I am still holding on to those good memories as a security blanket.  They keep me warm on lonely nights, they are comforting, they bring me happiness, but at the same time they are preventing me from moving on.  Holding on to what I think I had is keeping me from being free to embrace the future.

I didn’t even realize that I was doing that until now, so writing this now makes me feel incredibly free, strong and empowered.  It feels like another page has finally been turned in this book of my life.  I no longer need those memories. So, yes I am actually saying that good memories can be bad if they are holding you back from being 100% in the present.

“I don’t know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.” ― Abraham Lincoln

**

I want to recognize the present moment and give it its fully deserved attention and care.  At the same time I don’t want to carry it with me forever to the point of preventing me from embracing my future.

Like the perpetrator of a crime we are all perpetrators of experiences upon other people.  So let’s all be more aware of what we are leaving behind and what we are taking with us.

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I will continue dreaming…

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

a world of possibilities, dreaming, embracing the future, giving up, goals, Life, love, online dating, optimism, plans, relationships

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” 
― Albert Einstein

In the darkness of my room, in the safety and comfort of my bed, right before I am about to fall asleep, thoughts occupy my mind…All kinds of thought and memories.  Often good thoughts, sometimes thoughts of Ex and the way we were (which I have been good at keeping those at bay), but most often what is on my mind are dreams and plans of an awesome tomorrow.  At that very moment every night the world is full of promise and the possibilities are endless.  At that very moment I could conquer the world.   I often think about some special someone I may be talking to online or on the phone, and all its promise of a future together.

Finding a partner and starting a family is a recurring dream.   When I say starting a family it doesn’t mean having kids.  Even though the idea of kids are amazing; at this point is no longer feasible.  So it will probably be a family of two adults acting like kids, and perhaps a few dogs.

“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.” 
― Gloria Steinem

But last night a dark thought entered my mind.  It interrupted my day-dreaming, it got me scared.  The following words came into my mind: it isn’t all a bit too late?

That thought woke me right up!  Since when did I let facts and reality interrupt my awesome illusory life?  Am I turning into a realist? Or worst yet, a pessimist?   I love being a dreamer, an optimistic.  I love thinking that the world is amazing and life is beautiful.  I go out of my way to focus on the good only.

The next thought was: Should I give up?  Give up on the idea of finding a partner?  I thought I would never say this, but I am thinking that perhaps it is just too late.  Too late, way too late to find a husband and start a life together.  Yes, I said it!  I want a husband! I want the commitment, the partnership, the idea of romance, fairy-tale, forever. And yes I also said that perhaps I decided to want that a bit too late in life. In my teens, twenties, thirties, I never wanted the wedding, the marriage, the fairy-tale.  I pushed it all aside and focused on surviving, and thriving in all other areas of my life.

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming – well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” 
― Amy Tan

My single life is awesome and I adore all I have, and having the right partner would add to it.  But I am also aware of the potential of encountering the wrong person and all of a sudden realizing that I was better off alone.

Do I continue to live an illusion or do I wake up and wise up?  Is it harmful to live in la-la-land?

“Dreams, if they’re any good, are always a little bit crazy. ” 
― Ray Charles

I guess those thoughts came to me because of being excited about someone I am getting to know online.  He seems full of potential, and at times too good to be true.  We have not met yet as I want to dedicate my free time now to my visiting mother and decided to meet him after she leaves in about 2 weeks.

As I navigate the online dating waters, I alternate between hopeful and cynical.  Somebody contacts me and it seems really promising, I get excited and the next instant he totally disappoints me.  Perhaps this time I am trying to protect myself about being too hopeful.

With all that being said I rather spend my days and nights in the illusion of the infinite world of possibilities.  I rather continue to think that my dreams will come true and work towards that.  I rather think that perhaps next time I turn a corner I may bump into Price Charming.  I rather bask in the rays of oblivion, than to live in a world where “I missed the boat” because I dared to go at my own pace and do things my way and on my time.

“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.” 
― Victor Hugo

I have noticed that people are often too afraid.  They are afraid of trying, of taking a chance.  Afraid of putting themselves out there and looking desperate.  People are afraid of failing and therefore they give up on trying.   They are afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of taking a chance on love. Afraid of looking foolish.

I am not saying everyone should have a partner.  What I am saying is that I want one and I am not afraid of appearing desperate and foolish.  I will not give up on that idea at the present moment.  What I am saying is that people should not be afraid of taking a chance on what they want, be it a boyfriend, a new job, a singing career, a single life.  Whatever it is that you dream with/about go ahead and take steps to make it a reality.

The harder something is to achieve the better it will taste when you finally get it.  There is nothing better than reaping the rewards of hard work, of taking a chance and making it.

“Nothing happens unless first a dream.” 
― Carl Sandburg

If you are satisfied with single life, stay single! I am not there…yet, perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and think single is the way to go, until then there is online dating.  Until then I will distract myself dreaming of the possibilities.

I want someone like me.  I want the fearless!  I want the one that keeps falling flat on his face and keeps going. I want the one that keeps going after what he wants against all odds.

And with that I am telling the dark pessimistic thoughts to go bother somebody else. I am not an easy prey! I look great with my rose colored glasses on! I got dreams to make into reality and goals to achieve. I don’t have time for negativity and darkness!

Always a dreamer and proud of it!!

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” 
― John Lennon

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I texted Ex!

21 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 43 Comments

Tags

being grateful, embracing the future, making peace with the past, skiing

I texted Ex!
I know how it looks. And I actually don’t care how it looks, but how I feel.
One of the things I pride myself on is always giving a voice to my heart.  I like wearing my heart on my sleeve, I like being open and transparent.
Saying what I want, when I want unburdens and empowers me.
I don’t care what he thinks either. It is not about him! It never was! It is about me and my feelings and how I act and react to them!
I am taking myself and my heart back little by little, too slow for my liking, but somethings cannot be rushed. Each little step towards freedom is important and rewarding.
I texted him to express gratitude.
I was at Windham, NY skiing (or attempting to) and I was feeling overwhelmed with the freedom of the open space and the beauty of the mountain. I was also feeling good about my progress skiing.
Right then and there I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for the person that introduced me to skiing: Ex

ii

This is what I wrote:
“I want you to know that no matter how much hurt I still have in my heart I will be eternally grateful for the many things you have taught me including and especially skiing. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
I know that many may think I am opening a door for him to waltz back in, but that is not the case at all. I am opening a door to the healing of my heart.
I don’t expect a reply, that was no the point of sending the text.
He does reply in the form of an email the following day, saying I should be proud of being a Brazilian skier.
and that was it!

I have decided to look at my relationship with Ex, as a whole, with all its beauty during and not so beautiful ending. The relationship was not the ending alone, I cannot only think about how it ended and dwell on it.  I cannot also only think about the beautiful time and have this unreal view of it.
I don’t regret sending it the text the same way I don’t regret the relationship.  IN fact I would be willing to do it all over again!

I think that my reaching out to him is my way of making peace with my past.  I cannot hate Ex, that would be like hating my past, and I love my past.  I don’t want to be in the past, I want to be fully in the present and embrace the amazing future that awaits.  I want to continue to grow and become better and better. But my past is me, and I embrace it, love it and I am making peace with it!

It felt so freeing being the one that reached out instead of being in the receiving end! It made me feel in control.  I am making things happen and not waiting for them to happen to me and just react to it!

So, thank you Ex, for skiing and other things! Thank you for my lovely memories!

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"Se você só lê os livros que todo mundo está lendo, você só vai pensar o que todo mundo está pensando." - Haruki Murakami
My money tree is out of control.
"Para cada minuto que você se aborrece você perde sessenta segundos de felicidade." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
About last night: Delicious dinner at Harvest on Hudson in Hastings, NY
"Mude seus pensamentos e você mudará seu mundo" - #normanvincentpeale
About last night: Dinner at Sergio's.
"Quem nunca cometeu um erro, nunca tentou algo novo"
"O Amor é o objetivo, a vida é a jornada."
“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Eu vivo na possibilidade..."
New Rochelle Building boom! Progress or illusion?
"Às vezes você ganha, às vezes você aprende."- John C. Maxwell
Another beautiful day in New Rochelle!

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