Author Archives: A Star on the Forehead

Dates Updates and a World of Gratitude!

28 Thursday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” 
― Leonardo da Vinci

I am too dumb for Kanye West, or perhaps I am too wise … who knows, the only thing I know is that I don’t get it, I didn’t get it.   I went to see him at Madison Square Garden on Saturday night and I couldn’t wait for the concert to be over. I literally couldn’t wait, so we left before the end of the concert.  I was hoping he was saving the best for last, but I didn’t want to wait to find out.

I saw him last year at the Revel in Atlantic City and thoroughly enjoyed the show.  I thought it was artistic and creative, so I thought I would at least enjoy some parts of this one.  This time I thought it was just too egotistical.  It seemed too desperate, it seemed like he was trying too hard.  Why is it that just good music is no longer enough?  Why all the gimmick, the masks, the religious artifacts, the self aggrandizing speeches?  Like with any art form this is subjective, clearly tons of people love the show as it continues to sell out.  But I much preferred the old Kanye – before the illusion of power transformed him.

****

“Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.” 
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

I was invited to the concert by someone I met on Plenty of Fish.  Yep, I am moving from E-harmony to POF – I need a bigger ocean to conduct my search :).

I don’t know why he choose to buy tickets to see Kanye, it was clear it was not his type of music.  I think he was relieved when I said we should leave before the end.

He was a nice guy, but that was it.  There were no sparks for me.  I already knew that even before I met him, but I chose to go on the date anyway because I want to have an open mind and  give a nice guy a fair chance.  He did everything right, he was was gentleman, but that is not enough.  I need sparks. He wanted to go out again, but I feel I would be wasting both of our times, so I said no.  I don’t think a second date would change anything.

****

“A man who drinks too much on occasion is still the same man as he was sober. An alcoholic, a real alcoholic, is not the same man at all. You can’t predict anything about him for sure except that he will be someone you never met before.” 
― Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye

Last night I went on a date with someone that I knew there would be tons of chemistry.  We had amazing conversations on the phone and texting.  He seemed to have all his ducks in a row.  So I was eager to meet him.

When we finally met there was still a lot of chemistry but I detected also not thing: He has a drinking problem!  As soon as we hugged hello I detected a hint of alcohol, his puffy face and mannerisms were some of the other telltale signs.   I have worked with an alcoholic before and I know what it looks like.

So after we sat at the bar in a restaurant in my neighborhood I took the direct approach and asked him if he had a drinking problem.  He denied and got defensive.  Then, he says: I don’t think so, I have incredible kids attending elite universities so clearly I am able to function well in society and must be doing something right. Oh sure, that clears that right up!! NOT!  It is amazing the lies that people tell themselves to avoid facing their problems, to make it seem that all is well and nothing needs changing.

I wish I could help him, but I cannot help someone that doesn’t have a problem and until he admits it, no one can help. I felt very bad for him and specially for his family.  I am inclined to think that is the reason his marriage failed.  I brought up AA, but that didn’t go over well.

I don’t have a problem with having baggage from our pasts, we all do, but I have a problem with lies, and worst of all with someone lying to himself about something so serious.

There is not enough chemistry, money, chivalry and good looks in the world to make me choose to stay in that sinking ship.  I had half a drink and politely called it the night. Later he texted and called trying to convince me that we could still work, then he resorted to tell me that I hurt him with my accusation. But I stood my ground, I didn’t force the issue and just blamed myself, I took the “it is me, not you” route.

At any rate I am so happy that I am able to let my mind discern things for me and not let my heart alone roam free.  I am grateful that God/Universe always opens my eyes.

… and the search happily continues …

“If I only had three words of advice, they would be, Tell the Truth. If got three more words, I’d add, all the time.” 
― Randy Pausch

***

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.” 
― Thích Nhất Hạnh

You all have an awesome Thanksgiving!!  no turkey for me.  I am thinking chicken for one!

I will be making a list of all the awesome things I have to be grateful for, and there are so many small and large miracles in my life, in anyone’s life really, if they choose to look close enough.

You, person that reads and relates to my words, reader that comments and showers me with positive thoughts, commentator that prays for me and encourages me to be myself and to continue strong, you don’t know how much you do for me and the extent of my gratitude!  Thoughts have power, and your power in my life is positively felt!  A soulful, simple but very heartfelt thank you!

A grateful attitude can change the world! Try it today!

Be Happy! Be blessed! Be grateful!

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” 
― Epicurus

He didn’t call and I didn’t fall to pieces!

19 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” 
― Steve Maraboli

He didn’t call! I cannot say I am shocked, but I am surprised and yet I knew it in my heart.  It is hard to explain, I had this instinct, this gut feeling that he would not call but at the same time how could he not after the great time we had?  So there was this little trace of hope, but as the one week mark approaches that hope has vanished.

This dating thing is odd.  Well, I guess people are odd.  (“Don’t blame the game blame the player”) Some guys will call right away asking for another date when it was clear that there was zero chemistry, and then there are the dates where the sparks were flying all over the place and the guy never calls.

In the past I asked a guy that I dated, well dated is a loose word, because I made sure to tell him that I accepted to go out as friends and he said he was okay with that. So I asked him why he continued to pursue me when it was clear I had zero interest in him romantically and he said, and I quote: “I thought I could change your mind”.  Then I asked one guy why he disappeared after a few great dates and he said, and again, I quote: “I think you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend”.

“The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.” 
― Steve Hall

People have their reasons for doing things. I don’t have a problem with that.  I have a problem with the delivery, the lack of respect in the way things are done. To just disappear?  Perhaps that is an acceptable dating behavior, but to me just screams of cowardice and lack of respect!

I am proud to say that I will not be calling him and asking him what happened.  I don’t care! I no longer need closure for this type of things because I no longer allow my heart to get involved that early in the game.  Genius solution: no heart, no pain!

It was just a date, and I am learning to lighten up.  (“learning” being the key here, I still take things way too seriously, and expect the best of people)

 “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” 
― Laurence Sterne

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter the reason why someone chooses to do or not do something.  What matters is how I conduct myself.  What matters is that I am honest and upfront with everyone.  I am only responsible for my actions.

I could come up with 300 reasons/excuses why he didn’t call, but at the day the truth is: “He is just not that into me”.

When a man wants something he goes after it, he will move mountains if he has to.  Nothing will prevent him for getting what he wants.  Well, at least that is the man I want.  I don’t want the insecure and fearful.  I want the brave!

I don’t want to judge (and yet this is what this post turned out to be about), but I appreciate honesty.   I appreciate the man that does not just disappear, that all of a sudden stops calling and e-mailing and you are left to wonder what happened.  I appreciate the man that steps up to the plate and tells me why he no longer wants to talk to me.  I guess I still have a lot to learn.  “The Four Agreements” just came to mind.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” 
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

So many lessons…

 I still would not have changed a single thing about the date.  Well, perhaps I would have made sure to get an extra kiss!

Next!

****

“Trying and getting hurt can’t possibly be worse for you than being… stuck.” 
― Eliezer Yudkowsky,

I have just been invited to the Kanye West concert at Madison Square Garden this Saturday.  I said yes, but I am not sure if it will work out or not.  I have never met this person or spoke with him on the phone, but I figure that I will be safe at a concert.  We still have to talk on the phone and iron details out and between now and Saturday a lot can happen …

This person is not the type of person I have been going on dates with lately – in all senses.  But perhaps there lies the magic.

I am not willing to discount someone because of appearances, because of their profession or lack of formal education.  I want to decide on integrity, respect, morals, and manners.  I care about actions, not words.  I don’t care where someone has been; I care about where they are going.

“In order to fly you have to create space in the open air so that your wings can really spread out. It’s like a parachute. They only work from a high altitude. To fly you have to begin taking risks. If you don’t want to, maybe the best thing is just to give up, and keep walking forever.” 
― Jorge Bucay,

***

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” 
― Charlotte Brontë

But here are the real big questions occupying my mind lately:

1)      What am I going to do for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years?  I don’t have family here in the US and I don’t normally fly to Brazil on holidays.  I used to go on Thanksgiving just to take advantage of the extra off days, but it hasn’t worked out the last few years.  I don’t mind spending alone (read: alone, not lonely), but alone doing something fun and exciting is much better.

Perhaps there is a soup kitchen somewhere…but I have always been told they have enough volunteers.  I am kind of sick of trying to volunteer, unfortunately!

“Christmas is our annual reminder to look up – pondering celestial stars, to look out – serving those in need, and to look down – glorifying our Lord in humble prayer.” 
― Richelle E. Goodrich

2)      Where and when am I going skiing?  I know I am going alone, but I can’t seem to decide on a date and location.  I wanted to go to Whistler, BC for Christmas but I am just not sure.   I welcome ideas for mountains that are beginner and single friendly.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

It is all about a kiss!

15 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

I had an awesome time at the date! Did I flirt, drink and kiss as I had hoped? Read on and find out…

I had been speaking on the phone with this person on and off for about a month.  We agreed to go on a date after my mother had left and he had returned from a trip abroad.  On the phone he had talked about taking me to his favorite Indian restaurant.  He was disappointed to find out that Indian food is not one of my favorite cuisines.  I mentioned that on a first date, the most important thing to me was the company and that I am able to find something to eat in any menu.

I like that he was the type of guy that made phone calls and was not only texting and emailing.  I don’t normally go around giving my phone number to every guy on e-harmony but if I do give my phone number I expect a guy to use it.

When he invited me via text to a hotel bar I was a little taken aback, but not to the point of saying no since we had already had agreed to meet.  At that point I had a feeling that dinner was not on the menu and just drinks.  I am fine with that!  I just like to make sure that I eat something beforehand so that I can enjoy a drink.

I like that he picked a bar that was extremely convenient to me.  I also liked that he got to the bar earlier and was sitting there waiting for me when I arrived.   When I got there he got up and gave me a hug.  When we sat down at a tall table he complimented me on my hat (it is pretty cute! J).  He also mentioned that I was exactly the way he had pictured.  He had seen my pictures but sometimes pictures can be so misleading.  I took that as a compliment.

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” 
― Walt Whitman

The date lasted approximately 3 hours.  We talked about everything.  He got my jokes and I got his!  We made each other laugh.  I am happy to say I did not monopolize the conversation as I normally do.  I had 3 flutes of sparkling wine.  We are talking about little flutes, so I think it amounts to only about a drink and a half.  That was plenty to make a girl that rarely drinks tipsy.  Perhaps I was laughing a little too much, but I don’t think that is bad thing.

At one point when I got up to go to the ladies room, I jokingly asked if I needed to bring my purse with me in case he decided to run away (We had been talking about bad dates).  He laughed and handed me his cell phone to take with me as security.  I thought it was a cute gesture.

We were very flirty towards each other.  I did mention to him that I liked his accent and that I thought he had kissable lips.  Being the red-blooded man he is, at that point he got up, approached me and kissed me.  It was perfect!  It was soft, gentle, sweet.  I could have stayed in that kiss for days.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” 
― Henry David Thoreau

After our 3 drinks, we had some water and he walked me to the train station.    Before walking out of the bar he kissed me again. There were no issues on my side about being kissed even though this is our first meeting.  All I felt like saying was: More please!  At the train station he kissed me good bye.

We exchanged a couple of emails while on my way home regarding some glasses that I thought that I had left at the bar and it turned to be in my purse.  He also asked if I realized I had sent the text about the glasses 5 times, which I absolutely did not, so I am not sure what to make of that.  He managed to add a good touch when he said good night writing my real name, which I had said to him in passing and no one ever remembers it after hearing it only one time.  I was impressed by that; and that has been the end of our communication.

We have met on Wednesday night and it is now Friday afternoon, and I still haven’t heard from him.  I cannot say I am surprised, as I really had no expectations.  I only think that we had a great time and there is absolutely no reason not to see each other again.  But that is the thing with dating, it takes 2 people and sometimes 2 people on the same date will have totally different opinions of how the date went.  If there is one thing I have learning dating in the city is that one never knows, no matter how awesome the date was if you will ever hear from that person again.

“Do not ruin today with mourning tomorrow.” 
― Catherynne M. Valente

I don’t like to wait.  Any time a guy makes me wait before he calls me again after a date, I feel he is playing games and the longer he takes to call me the more uninterested I get.  I feel that guys that wait a certain number of days to call so not to appear eager are playing games and I am not into games at all.  If I like you I tell you, so if you like me tell me and don’t make me wait.

So at this moment I don’t know if I will see him again or even hear from him again, but here is the best part: I don’t care!  Nothing changes the awesome time I had at the date.  It was an awesome re-entry into the dating world after a few months absent.   I am a simple girl and those simple sweet kisses will hold me up for awhile. I would not change anything about the date.

Was he really awesome or was I just in terrible need of a kiss? Who knows … 🙂

I realized how much I have been changing.  I am able to be in the moment and appreciate the moment without dreaming up a future and therefore not being disappointed if that future never comes!

“Mindfulness is like that—it is the miracle which can call back in a flash our dispersed mind and restore it to wholeness so that we can live each minute of life.” 
― Thích Nhất Hạnh

I am angry and I like it!

13 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am being forced to write this post.  Yes there is someone holding a gun to my head.  That someone is my conscience.

This blog has been a lifesaver.  I feel I owe my sanity to it.  Therefore I feel I cannot not share some feelings just because they show a side of me that I don’t like.    You are my friend and have been here through thick and thin, so you deserve to know how angry I am at this moment.  Anger is not me, and I don’t want to be seen as an angry person, but at this moment I am!

“The world needs more anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.” 
― Bede Jarrett

I don’t advocate anger, but I am welcoming anger at this point.  It feels liberating! It feels I am one step closer to being free.  This elusive freedom seems harder than I had fathomed!  Freedom from what you may ask? Freedom from thinking about Ex.

Here I go again talking about him.  He is a subject that should have been dead and buried a long time ago.  But anytime I seem to forget about him, something snaps me right back to the starting point.

I am here to tell you right now that anger can, at times, be a good thing.  It can open your eyes and be a healing force.  It can force someone to face a tough issue and snap someone into action.   It is strange to me to see anger in such a way, or perhaps it is just my positive self trying to be positive about something so negative.  I have to make this anger work for me.  This anger feels long overdue.  I had thought that I had been lucky enough to have never felt this angry towards my Ex.  I was proud of not having anger in my heart for him or anybody else.  I had periods of being mad, but nothing like what I have been feeling the last few days.  I realize we may jump around the grief process, but eventually we will get to all of them.  My grief as it turns out is not over!

What was the straw the broke the camel’s back?  A text with a picture!  Something snapped inside of me when I received this one text from Ex.  How dare he still text me after I had expressly asked for no contact and he agreed.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 
― Gloria Steinem

He sent me a text with a picture of him and the Kids. It is a long story but he had not seen his kids in a long time, so them all together is nothing shorter than a miracle.  The ex-wife is a nightmare and always tried to prevent the kids from having a relationship with the father.  He is a lousy partner but a great father and deserves to see the kids and the kids need to see him.

I know that some of you will say that he wanted to share his happiness with me.  Well, he is not allowed to anymore!  I have asked for no contact, no contact means not contact.  He is happy I know! I am happy for him.  But I don’t care to know about his life at this point.   I am angry over everything regarding Ex and I am angry over having kept the door open to him.  How could I have looked at everything he did so lightly?  How could I have continued to engage in communication with him?

Perhaps it was the caption on the picture that read: ‘”The whole family together again”, or perhaps that he wrote that the kids asked about me and sent their love.  Perhaps still, it was the assumption that who took the picture was the new girlfriend; well I am sure of it! So after being happy for him, I was mad.

There is one point where you need to stop being polite and just start watching out for yourself.  I am there!

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” 
― Aristotle

I am angry at myself for being angry and for still having all these bottled up feelings for him.   I feel that I should have been this angry 2 years ago.  I was going to ignore the text.  I let it marinated overnight, but by the next day at noon I had only grown angrier and even though my sister and my co-worker suggested that I either ignore it or just say that I was happy for him, I had to go and tell him exactly how I felt.  I told him how it hurts me to hear from him.  How I don’t want to be contacted again and don’t care to know about his life. I also mentioned how I thought the new girlfriend was a good replacement for me.  I am not proud of that text, but I don’t regret it either.

He and I cannot be friends, no matter how much time goes by.  We have no reason to be friends or have any communication (unlike couples that have children together).  So I am finally letting go of this illusion of being friends one day.  I don’t want to be friends with someone that has done what he has done to me, someone that continues to be clueless as to how much he hurt me and to the ramification of his actions, and someone that only thinks about himself.  To this day he has never acknowledged any wrongdoing, and continues to lie to people saying that I moved out to be closer to my job and that we are still friends. He created a lie and he believes in it.  I refuse to participate in that lie anymore.

He hasn’t replied to my text and I don’t expect or want a reply.  I said what I had to say and I don’t want to hear or talk about him anymore.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” 
― Maya Angelou

This anger allowed me to see things clearer.  It allowed me to look around and realize that I was still keeping him around in things.  So I burned the letter that he sent me, which, when I received it,  had made me happy and had felt like a good closure.  I burned some proof I had of his cheating – I know he cheated I don’t need to proof to anybody.  I deleted all the emails and the pictures.  I don’t know why I was keeping those things around, but it feels awesome to have those things gone.  I could have just thrown those things away, but there is nothing like burning them with white sage incense. It felt like a ritual of getting rid of the past and cleansing the path for the future.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” 
― Malcolm X

So, I am hoping this is the last chapter on the Ex story, but even as I write this I think of a never ending bad Halloween movie.

***

On a separate note, I went to my first Kabbalah class last night.  I really enjoyed it because it seems to validate what I already believe in.   The teacher talked about the need to stop being reactive.  I had always saw my reactive behavior and impulsiveness as being a good thing, as a sign that I was following my heart and my instincts, but of late I had started to question that and realize that one thing had nothing to do with the other. Yesterday it felt like a validation of my thoughts.

Perhaps I am already brainwashed :), but it appeared that the teacher was talking directly to me.  Everything fit me to a T, specially when it came to relationships.

I am eager to learn more and perhaps share things that I find useful.

***

I am going on a date tonight!!! After a long time with no dates I am meeting a handsome, smart and funny Englishman tonight.  We have spoken on the phone a few times but had not met before because of how busy I had been with my Mom and because of his travels.

Do I think he is the one?  Well, I don’t accept an invitation unless I see potential.  I don’t want to waste anybody’s time or my own.  I am choosing not to have huge expectations.  All I expect is a fun time with a potential friend.

I am excited about being out at a social setting, having a drink and flirting my ass off!!  Did I mention that he appears to have very kissable lips?  Well I don’t normally go kissing anyone on the first date, but it has been a long time and my lips have been lonely! Oh and his accent is both sexy and powerful… I am thinking I should have only one drink …

“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits. (January 11)” 
― Sarah Ban Breathnach

Out with the Old, Making Room for The New!

08 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -” 
― Joseph Campbell

I feel the need to clean up.  I feel heavy and need to become lighter.  I feel stuck, stationary.  I feel weighed down.  I need to stop carrying baggage, all sorts of baggage.  I need to move forward.

Hate me if you want, but I am one of those crazy people that love cleaning and organizing.  I have always been a big fan of cleaning, organizing, discarding the old and the broken and making room for the new.  It is cathartic. I would even dare to say it is life changing.  Every time I am down I start cleaning and feel immediately better.

The world we live in is so materialistic, so we all tend to accumulate stuff that we don’t need/use.   I have played a part in this acquiring game.  It seems some people always want to have the newer, the bigger, the better, and the faster.  Where and when do we stop?  Where is the thought, the need, the balance?

For me this time is here and now!!

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” 
― Andy Warhol

I am not only talking about my apartment, I am talking about my life.  I am starting with my closet, but that is just the beginning.  Nothing is safe, nothing will be spared.

This cleaning up involves, not only clothing and books, but photos, emails, memories, people. Everything I can think of, everything I come across as I go about my day. Everything will be evaluated to see if it is adding to my life or detracting from it.

I am on the lookout for hidden baggage, things that are weighing me down without my even my realizing, and that is when I realized that some people have become a heavy burden.

“Set fire to the broken pieces; start anew.” 
― Lauren DeStefano, Sever

Besides cleaning I will also be burning bridges. Yes, I am going to do what everyone says it shouldn’t be done.  I don’t want to go back and I don’t want anyone getting back either.  Going back to things and people that are not adding to your life should not be an option. So, in a way, I will be cleaning people out of my life and hopefully out of my heart.

I realized I had been keeping some doors open because I didn’t to hurt people’s feeling, and I suspect that deep down inside, I was hoping that people would change.  But I feel those open doors are hurting me.  Leaving the door always half open to people and things don’t work anymore.  Thinking that you will eventually have use for an object, or that eventually you will fit in those jeans or that, somehow, that one person will realize how awesome your friendship is, is becoming detrimental to me.  It is not allowing room for the new and the better to get in.

I am cleaning everything and it feels amazing.  It feels like great first steps in a brand new life.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -” 
― Joseph Campbell

The material things I am seeing if I can repurpose, if it can become somebody else’s treasure.  I give it away with gratitude in my heart for how that item at one point was important to me.  To people, I am saying I am important and you are doing me harm by your lack of consideration, so I don’t want to hear from you anymore.   I thank you for the purpose you have served, for the lessons you taught.   I wish joy and success in the future, but I will no longer be playing any part in it.

My cleaning is on-going, as each new day brings new cleaning opportunities. It feels great to be moving in the right direction.

I want nothing sitting on the side unused.  I don’t want anything broken. I will either fix it or give it away or throw it away.  I don’t want anything ugly to my eyes.  I only want things that make me smile.  I want things with meaning.  I want clothes that flatter me; I want shoes that are comfortable.  I want books that teach me something.  I want emails that when re-read add to my life, and do not make me cry and long for the past.  I want contacts in my phone that mean something and are not just phone numbers.

I want people that matter in my life.  I don’t need quantities of anything.  I need and crave quality! Please be noted here that I have given certain people chance upon chance and each time I was repaid with pain.  In the end I am realizing I was doing them no favors.  I was only prolonging the inevitable: their being accountable for their own actions, and reaping what they sow.

Paulo Coelho said it best:

“Close some doors today.  Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere”

So give it a try, start with one drawer, one table, one old box, clean it out and see how amazing it will feel afterwards!!  Take that one thing that brings bad or sad memories and get rid of it.  I had some emails that I always re-read and that it never failed to make me sad. It was very hard to delete them, but I feel free and empowered by having deleted them all.

I am constantly asking the question: What else in my life needs to go to make room for the new? A new answer just came to mind: Habits.

I need new habits to replace old, tired ones.  And that will be the topic of a new post:  the need to create new healthy habits to replace old damaging ones.

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou

I will continue dreaming…

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” 
― Albert Einstein

In the darkness of my room, in the safety and comfort of my bed, right before I am about to fall asleep, thoughts occupy my mind…All kinds of thought and memories.  Often good thoughts, sometimes thoughts of Ex and the way we were (which I have been good at keeping those at bay), but most often what is on my mind are dreams and plans of an awesome tomorrow.  At that very moment every night the world is full of promise and the possibilities are endless.  At that very moment I could conquer the world.   I often think about some special someone I may be talking to online or on the phone, and all its promise of a future together.

Finding a partner and starting a family is a recurring dream.   When I say starting a family it doesn’t mean having kids.  Even though the idea of kids are amazing; at this point is no longer feasible.  So it will probably be a family of two adults acting like kids, and perhaps a few dogs.

“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.” 
― Gloria Steinem

But last night a dark thought entered my mind.  It interrupted my day-dreaming, it got me scared.  The following words came into my mind: it isn’t all a bit too late?

That thought woke me right up!  Since when did I let facts and reality interrupt my awesome illusory life?  Am I turning into a realist? Or worst yet, a pessimist?   I love being a dreamer, an optimistic.  I love thinking that the world is amazing and life is beautiful.  I go out of my way to focus on the good only.

The next thought was: Should I give up?  Give up on the idea of finding a partner?  I thought I would never say this, but I am thinking that perhaps it is just too late.  Too late, way too late to find a husband and start a life together.  Yes, I said it!  I want a husband! I want the commitment, the partnership, the idea of romance, fairy-tale, forever. And yes I also said that perhaps I decided to want that a bit too late in life. In my teens, twenties, thirties, I never wanted the wedding, the marriage, the fairy-tale.  I pushed it all aside and focused on surviving, and thriving in all other areas of my life.

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming – well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” 
― Amy Tan

My single life is awesome and I adore all I have, and having the right partner would add to it.  But I am also aware of the potential of encountering the wrong person and all of a sudden realizing that I was better off alone.

Do I continue to live an illusion or do I wake up and wise up?  Is it harmful to live in la-la-land?

“Dreams, if they’re any good, are always a little bit crazy. ” 
― Ray Charles

I guess those thoughts came to me because of being excited about someone I am getting to know online.  He seems full of potential, and at times too good to be true.  We have not met yet as I want to dedicate my free time now to my visiting mother and decided to meet him after she leaves in about 2 weeks.

As I navigate the online dating waters, I alternate between hopeful and cynical.  Somebody contacts me and it seems really promising, I get excited and the next instant he totally disappoints me.  Perhaps this time I am trying to protect myself about being too hopeful.

With all that being said I rather spend my days and nights in the illusion of the infinite world of possibilities.  I rather continue to think that my dreams will come true and work towards that.  I rather think that perhaps next time I turn a corner I may bump into Price Charming.  I rather bask in the rays of oblivion, than to live in a world where “I missed the boat” because I dared to go at my own pace and do things my way and on my time.

“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.” 
― Victor Hugo

I have noticed that people are often too afraid.  They are afraid of trying, of taking a chance.  Afraid of putting themselves out there and looking desperate.  People are afraid of failing and therefore they give up on trying.   They are afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of taking a chance on love. Afraid of looking foolish.

I am not saying everyone should have a partner.  What I am saying is that I want one and I am not afraid of appearing desperate and foolish.  I will not give up on that idea at the present moment.  What I am saying is that people should not be afraid of taking a chance on what they want, be it a boyfriend, a new job, a singing career, a single life.  Whatever it is that you dream with/about go ahead and take steps to make it a reality.

The harder something is to achieve the better it will taste when you finally get it.  There is nothing better than reaping the rewards of hard work, of taking a chance and making it.

“Nothing happens unless first a dream.” 
― Carl Sandburg

If you are satisfied with single life, stay single! I am not there…yet, perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and think single is the way to go, until then there is online dating.  Until then I will distract myself dreaming of the possibilities.

I want someone like me.  I want the fearless!  I want the one that keeps falling flat on his face and keeps going. I want the one that keeps going after what he wants against all odds.

And with that I am telling the dark pessimistic thoughts to go bother somebody else. I am not an easy prey! I look great with my rose colored glasses on! I got dreams to make into reality and goals to achieve. I don’t have time for negativity and darkness!

Always a dreamer and proud of it!!

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” 
― John Lennon

Moment lost…chance for reflection.

23 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“The value of a moment is immeasurable. The power of just ONE moment can propel you to success and happiness or chain you to failure and misery.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

Life is made of moments,  tiny little moments that make up the mosaic of our lives.  Split second decisions can make or break one’s future, life, day.    The incredible power that just 1 instant, 1 second, holds is not lost on me and yet I rush through life as if I am in a mad dash somewhere.  I am getting nowhere fast! ….and tired.

I have been trying to slow down, to stop and smell the flowers, to pay attention to details. It is hard for me to pause and take a breath.  It feels like my life is lived in a constant fast-forward mode.  Am afraid of stopping and give the impression that I am stuck in life?  After-all I live in New York, where is a sin to be stationary.

BE HERE NOW!  That has been my mantra forever, but one would never guess it, since I am everywhere, in the past and in the future, except here, except now.

What am I missing by going so fast? A lot, perhaps all!

Last evening as I left work and I am walking, or should I say, sprinting, towards Grand Central Station a man, coming out of nowhere, stopped me.  Well, wrong on both counts, he probably didn’t come out of nowhere, I was just probably not paying attention to my surroundings, and he was not successful in stopping me because I never stopped.

All I heard was someone asking for money and my immediate response: I don’t have any change, and continued walking.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” ― Plato

I immediately regretted not stopping and not giving money.  I felt sad that my first instinct and response was so negative and defensive.  I stopped and turned around and by then the man had already walked away and I was left standing there alone with my guilt.  He was not stopping everyone, in fact he didn’t stop anyone, but me.  He probably thought that I would help.  He was probably embarrassed.   Right now I can think of 300 different reasons why he asked me and why he needed to ask for help in the first place.

Why did I behave like that? Why was that my first instinct? I didn’t feel threatened! It is like the words rolled out of my mouth without my permission.  Why couldn’t I stop?

What if in that one second I could have been the ray of light in somebody’s life?  What if he just needed a dollar to catch a train because he had lost his wallet or something like that?  He didn’t seem homeless, if fact he seemed well-dressed.  Why did my brain, in a fraction of second, decided for my heart that it was not worth stopping? Why did I betray myself?

“Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

I hate myself for not stopping and talking to him and giving him the money.  It is not really the money but the fact that I didn’t stop to give a second of my attention to a fellow human being.  I don’t like that!  I am not like that! And yet I let that one second run away from me and I can never get it back.  I can never make that moment right.  I am ashamed! Who am I becoming?

I wish that person knows that not all humans are devoid of care, not everyone is suspicious or just plain too busy.  I wish he knows that I prayed for him and his well being, that I care.  I prayed that the next person he spoke to did what I was unable to do: stop and listen.

I wish I could go back and change that one instant and take back those words, but I can’t.  All I can do is hope that next time my first reaction is different. I pray for less impulse and more thought, less reaction and more action.

Acknowledge the problem is the first step. Hi, I am Ana and I am

I don’t know who said it, but it is so true and worth thinking about it:

“Four things you can’t recover: 
The stone after the throw, 
The word after it’s said, 
The occasion after it’s missed,
The time after it’s gone.”

The joys of returning home and being aware of my flaws!

16 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Every traveler has a home of his own, and he learns to appreciate it the more from his wandering.” ― Charles Dickens

I am back!! And happy to be back!

I love going away, but I love returning home even more. I love getting back to my routine, going to work, feeling like a productive member of society. I have been living in the USA for almost 30 years. I love Brazil, but US feels more like home by now. I don’t tell anyone this, but I feel a bit out of place in Brazil. It is not a matter of liking here better, is a matter of being more comfortable here – of knowing what to do and how to behave.

I had fun in Brazil; I did nothing and overindulged in sweets. I probably gained 10 pounds – no kidding! The cakes in Brazil are to die for (well, literally if you overindulge hahaha). Condensed milk and heavy cream are present in almost every dessert.

There was a major miracle during my stay there. For the first time in ages my father agreed to go to a restaurant with us. He never liked going out to eat much, or going out for any social reason for that matter. After one of his legs was amputated (a combination of cancer and diabetes) he has become even more of a homebody, mostly enjoying staying in and watching sports. We try to get him to go out but we don’t bother him too much, we are just extremely happy that is still alive and with us after the cancer scare. So when my mother said to him: “on Saturday we are going to eat at Casa Geraldo”, a winery and restaurant in the country side, we were all surprised, well, actually shocked, when he agreed. We were all expecting to hear all the excuses that he normally uses not to go. I was sure he was just changing his tactics and at last minute would choose to stay home. But surprise, surprise, there was no mind changing at the last minute.  We all went and had an awesome time.

Yummy food, beautiful place, great wine! Here is to people changing old habits and trying new things. Here is to open mind and open hearts! So much fun, I cannot wait to return: http://casageraldo.com.br/site/?page_id=10

Mom has come back to the US with me. She will stay for one month and drive me nuts by trying to over-feed me. Since Mom is here this will be the month of casinos, shopping, Chinese food and homemade treats!!

While in Brazil I had a minor disagreement with my sister and last night when my head hit the pillow I had a revelation. I realized that I am oftentimes (and this very evening) guilty of what I was blaming her. It is indeed true that we are normally guilty of having the very same traits that we mostly dislike on people. I am guilty of harping on a subject when nothing will be accomplished by my doing that, of not letting something go, of not letting sleeping dogs lie! I did that last night to mom and later was sorry for having acted that way. So last night in my prayers I not only thanked God for all my blessings but I asked for calm, sensibility and the ability to realize when I need to let a subject drop. And of course I asked for forgiveness.

Always when returning from a trip I come back renewed and refreshed with new ideas and the motivation to start new projects and continue old ones.  So here is to new beginnings and completion of goals. May this new motivation stay and not fall by the wayside.

“Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.

Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm at the end 
as at the beginning.
He has nothing,
thus has nothing to lose.
What he desires is non-desire;
what he learns is to unlearn.
He simply reminds people
of who they have always been.
He cares about nothing but the Tao.
Thus he can care for all things.” 
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Update on my new friends

04 Friday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” 
― Anaïs Nin

Milton. https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/milton-my-new-friend/  I haven’t seen him in awhile.  His birthday was September 30 and I was going to bring him a cupcake but again he was not in his usual spot.  They have repair going on that corner and I looked around to see if he had moved to another corner but couldn’t find him.

I am hoping that is a good sign.  He had been waiting on NY City to get him housing, so perhaps that means that they relocated him to some kind of housing.

*****

C, a resident from the Nursing home called me.  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/09/11/when-the-right-thing-is-also-the-hardest-thing/

He has a hard time speaking, it takes effort and concentration for the words to come out and when they do is very low and hard to understand.  Even in person I have to keep asking him to repeat, so in the telephone was worse.

I tried my best to understand and I think we were able to get some things understood.  He misses me and wants me to call or visit.  I mentioned that I had sent him a card and he said he didn’t get it.

I hope the Nursing home is not holding on to the cards that I sent.  I bought Halloween cards to some of the residents I used to visit.  For convenience and because I didn’t have everyone’s last name I put it all in a FedEx envelope and sent them to D., the girl that works there and did the visits with em.  I can’t imagine her holding on to it and not handing out.

C.  has an appointment on November 11 with a throat doctor.  He said the doctor will inject Vitamin C on his vocal chords and he will be able to speak better.  I hope that all goes well with that.  It is so hard to watch him speaking.

I am going to see if the nursing home lets me visit him when I return from my trip.

*****

This feels a bit rushed as I am leaving in 5 minutes on my way to the airport. I am going to Brazil to see my family.  I am blessed, and even more blessed for knowing I am blessed! 

Thank you God, Thank you Universe! 🙂

“Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” 
― Charles Dickens

new hope in an envelope

03 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” 
― Paulo Coelho

As I opened my mailbox I see a familiar handwriting. I look at the post-mark and it reads September 30th.  I imagine this is the response to my text (see previous post) I ripped the envelope open and here it is in its entirety, a letter from Ex:

” September 28, 2013

Ana

I love you

I always have and always will.

For 2 1/2 years I was pretty good at loving you and holding the rest of my life together.

The last few months, I was not as good and I will never be able to make it up to you or explain how disappointed in myself that I am.

Currently, I have not yet pulled the rest of my life together and many things have worsened.

You are an exceptional and wonderful person and lady that deserves better than me and I realize how lucky and fortunate that I was to be in your life, even for just a few years.

I will always provide you with anything I can, just let me know if you need anything.”

As you may have guessed I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I want to believe that he loved me, to think that I have dreamed up what we had it is too much to take. This letter somehow validates my feelings.

“A true love story has no endings.” 
― M.F. Moonzajer

I am choosing to believe his words at this point, specially when he says I deserve better.  With him still in my heart, and I am guessing he will forever be there, I am moving on.

In 2 days I am flying to Brazil to be with my family for 10 days.  It will be good to get out of the NY air and all its memories even for a little bit.

Can I close this chapter for good?

Yes I can! And I dare believe in bigger blessings coming into my life! Ex was a blessing! He showed me love, he exposed me to new experiences.  I would not trade the time that we spent together for anything in the world.  I am a better person for having met him. Perhaps he is really showing me how much he loves me by letting me go.   I am ready to accept this new version of the story.

This letter doesn’t erase his betrayal at the end of our relationship, but somehow I feel it is already helping me heal.  Acceptance…oh sweet acceptance!

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV