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Learning to live without and with him!

Day 10 – Baby Steps in making peace with the past

01 Thursday Nov 2012

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We still don’t have electricity in our offices, so today we bought laptops and rented a conference room at the Hilton Hotel.  We managed to get some work done. Some things happen and inconveniences us, but it also make us realize how blessed we are. I hope I can take this experience and use it not to take my day to day for granted.

**

I have been struggling with my wanting to reach out to Ex and make sure that him and C (the dog) are okay.  He lives in a very wooded area and I remember well what we went through with Hurricane Irene.

I have successively avoided any kind of communication with him, but I cannot deny that I still care about his well being. So I have been obsessing about wanting to reach out.

I don’t ever want to be with him again or even be his friend.  But, once you love somebody you cannot just snap your fingers and stop loving them. I believe you will always care, but you just make a choice to love and respect yourself more.

So yesterday I allowed myself to text him and ask if he and C were okay. He texted back that they were okay and that he appreciated my checking on him. And guess what happened? I felt so light afterwards, and best of all, I stopped obsessing about it.  It is funny it seems that I turned a corner.

It kind of freed me.  I have been working so hard at completely ignoring him that it was having the opposite affect.  Allowing myself to contact him made me to just be able to let it go.

Baby steps, but it feels so good!

 

 

Day 4: All I want to hear is: I am sorry!

25 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am thinking that this itching could be emotional.

The sad truth is that lately I have been thinking about Ex too much. No, I don’t want him still or anything like that, but I still cannot get over the fact that he never acknowledged his wrongdoings.  He never acknowledged that his actions were disrespectful and hurtful.

All I want is a “I am sorry”,  that is it!

But I know better! I know I will never get that! So why can’t I let it go?

I guess this being the 1 Year Anniversary of when everything fell apart doesn’t help either.

I still don’t understand what happened and where did the so called “love” go!

I know that I cannot move forward until I let go of the past! And I had thought I had!  But I guess that is how the grieving process goes, some times you have to go back to a stage that you thought you were done with.

***

The worst doctor ever gave me a dosage of 10mg of a prescription that according to my pediatrician friend she gives 4 times that to babies.  No wonder the itching has continued!!

***

On a bright note,  I have a fun date tonight. I am going to the Counting Crows concert with this guy that I have been seeing for the past 2 months.  It is not serious as the age difference is a bit too much, but it is serious in the sense that we are not seeing other people.

****

The cartoon below doesn’t reflect my situation but it was too funny to pass it up!

 

What I have been up to lately …

28 Friday Sep 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I have been silent – here! In non-virtual life I still talk too much, volunteer and share too much! 🙂  I guess hurting over still loving Ex was providing me with the inspiration/motivation to write.  Once love turned to anger and now to plain nothingness the urge and need to write or I will explode is no longer here.

I still love the written word and wish to find the motivation from within and from daily life to continue blogging.

I lurk around some of my favorite blogs but can’t even seem to muster motivation to comment or even like, perhaps I have been trying to disappear?? At moments like this I wish I had a therapist on speed dial that I could call and ask!

Here is a quick update of my life:

Mom is in town visiting from Brazil, so my routine has been totally changed.  I am exercising less and eating more, which as everyone knows it is not a great combination!!   Mom believes that food is love, so rejecting her food is the same as rejecting her love.  As the good daughter that I am I just eat and say how good everything is!

We have already spent a weekend at Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods Casinos in CT.   We didn’t lose too much so that to me is winning!  We have already done more shopping than will fit in her luggage.  And somehow any time I take her shopping I end up buying more than she does.  A Broadway show and The Museum of Natural History will be next!

The Ex got wind that my mother is in town and has e-mailed me to take us out to dinner.  I have continued to remain silent and ignore it. Still it is annoying the fact that he thinks all is fine enough to go out and have dinner together! Clueless!

Work is work.  No challenges and mysteries any more.  Too predictable at times, it can be boring but there is some comfort in the same old same old.

I continue to do Pilates twice a week and still adore it, even though some times in the middle of an exercise I feel more like crying and giving up.  I continue to hit tennis balls against a wall and take lessons every now and then as weather and my instructor’s schedule permits.

I have not returned to Zumba, for now I do it at home.  I turn on youtube, put on my favorite short shorts and just dance like a wild woman in my living room.  I make sure to close the curtains as not to scare any of my neighbors.

My mosaic project is still in the middle and my French has also stalled.  Will go back to it, but lately not much into forcing myself to do anything I don’t want to! 🙂

I have been seeing a much younger man.  I don’t want to call it dating; in fact I am not sure what to call it.  Yes I know all that is wrong with it!   I am taking it one day at a time and trying not to think too much about it or make too many plans.  I like spending time with him and for now that is enough for me.  I am living the right now and allowing myself not to think of the future.  I know it will not last forever – nothing does!!

I may wake up tomorrow and decide that I want a commitment, but for now dinners out and movie nights are exactly what the doctor ordered.

Lucky me! I saw Ex and got to meet the new girlfriend! :(

10 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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As I had mentioned before I had  been staying away from the US Open this year for fear of running into Ex. We share a loge box so we would be seated together if I went and used my seats.  The only day that I thought I was safe to go was on the second Friday which is the Women’s Semi Final’s day because no one cares to watch that.  He has never attended it.

So on Friday morning I was having a very frustrating day at work and with some additional personal problems that I was getting nowhere in trying to get resolved I decide to just leave it behind and go to the Open.  I still had the tickets, because as I mentioned you can’t give them away, let alone sell it. So I decided to go.

I get there and I am sitting and enjoying the match when all of a sudden there is a tap on my shoulder as someone says my name.  I turn around and I am face to face with Ex.  I think I stopped breathing for a second. I was shell shocked.  He said: How are you? I said fine thanks. He says to the woman sitting next to him: I recognized her by the ring!  I was wearing this big blue daisy cocktail ring.

And of course the woman next to him is the new girlfriend.  He points to her and says to me: this is M. Of course I knew her name but had never seen her face.  She extended her hand, I shook it and said hello, smiled and immediately turned to the front to continue watching the game.  I was shaking. I had a million emotions go through me in the space of seconds. To have 2 of the last people you ever want to see sitting behind you is very disconcerting.  He tapped me again on the shoulder and said he was going to get water if I wanted anything.  humm, do I want anything? Can you give me a order of you and your girlfriend disappearing from my face?

I have to say that this new girlfriend strikes me as being a good person, probably too good for him. I felt like warning her. But of course it is none of my business. I truly wish them both happiness, I just don’t want to witness it.

I didn’t last long sitting there.  I gathered my stuff got up and left without making eye contact. I stood outside recomposing myself. I think I was outside for 15 minutes deciding if I would go home or not.  I decided to return and do what I had intended from the beginning: watch a game that I love.

I went back and sat down and concentrated on the game.  After awhile I heard them leaving and I thanked heaven.  But after 1 hr they returned. But by then I was doing better.  Until she gets up and goes somewhere and he taps me on the shoulder to make small talk.  He asks me how my tennis is going. I try as best as I could to form some coherent sentence. I said something about tennis lessons going well, then I said lessons were over.  I felt my speech slurred.  Thank God the game re-stared and I turned around to watch it.  But at that moment when I turned around, I could feel the tears flooding my eyes and I fought hard not to start crying.  I was successful.

When the game was over we all got up and again he tapped my arm and said bye and she said nice to meet you and honestly I don’t remember if I  said anything back or not.

Later that night he sends me a text:

“You look great and it was very nice to see you.  I am sorry if I said or did anything that made you uncomfortable.  There were so many things I want to talk to you about but I will refrain until you tell me it is ok, love you, good night.”

I saw his text the following morning and immediately it hit me and I managed to control the tears.  I know it is okay to cry but lately I am trying to hold back unless I am facing my wailing wall http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/09/06/1327/ .  Each time I cry it feels I am giving him power.  I know that the tears now have a different meaning.  They are no longer tears of sadness and longing.  It is mostly tears of anger.

I tried my best not to reply.  I reached out to the one person that I felt would understand me best without judging any of my feelings.  I felt he would set me straight and convince me to continue to remain silent.  He was not available!  That is the problem with relying on others for strength.  What happens when they are not available or willing? So from now on complete reliance in me and the God within me!

So unfortunately I replied.  I know, I know, that was a temporary step back on my progress. But now it is done. And I cannot undo the past.

Here is the stupidity that I replied to him last night:

“If you only knew the extent of my pain! I don’t know from where the tears still come from.  You two look happy together! I wish you both only the best! May she make you happy like I was not able to! May you respect her like you you did not respect me!”

After 10 minutes I added: (yep, mistake number 2)

“I just wish I could understand what happened with the love you said you had for me.”

I sent the texts and went to bed crying.  I cried myself to sleep! I promise it is the last time!!

Of course he has not replied!  and I am okay with that.  I didn’t expect he would.  He doesn’t like to be questioned.  Any time I had any questions he would go into avoidance and silence mode. Yep, those should have been big clues.  I am also happy and relieved that he didn’t reply because I shouldn’t be having any conversations with him.

And of course I know better than to reply to him!  I know that he doesn’t know what love is! I know that he has no conscience of how he disrespected me!  And the most important:  It does not matter what answers he may be able to give me! Nothing will change!  I am over and done with that part of my life! I am better! In fact I should really thank him for letting me go.

***

But I think that all these happenings help me to continue to move forward!  Even if replying to his text was a mistake, I am not dwelling on that!

Amid all the pain and tears this weekend I had great moments!  I watched some great tennis matches!

Also I went out to dinner with a great guy.  We have gone out several times now and it has been a lot fun! Since I don’t want to jinx it I will refrain from writing too much about it at this moment!

I may end up having to eat my words when I wrote this:  http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/10-reasons-not-to-date-a-younger-guy/

(all images from Google images)

 

My personal Wailing Wall

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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US Open Tennis is one of my favorite times of the year; but this year is different.  There are still too many memories there.  Memories can be such a double edged sword.  I feel blessed God gave me memory so I can look back and reflect how blessed I have been.  But reflecting on good times can be painful.  Are my memories correct?  Was I that happy? Was I that in love?  Was it all just an illusion?  Did I just dream everything up?

***

My personal Wailing wall

Every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes an evening during the week I go to a Middle School on the other side of my town to hit balls against a wall.  It is crazy that I haven’t been able to find a hitting partner, but I try not to dwell on that and be happy that at least I have this wall.

I found this wall right in the beginning of the break up.  It was a time when I was in unbelievable pain. I was feeling sorry and sad for myself.  It was a pain over the loss of Ex, the love, the house, the life I once knew.  I was lost and trying not to fall apart.  I was still trying to figure out how to reconstruct my life and was feeling like I would never feel whole again (truth be told I still wonder about that!)

Originally I felt this wall was a replacement for the backboard, tennis court and partner/instructor that I had. I felt blessed to have found a substitute.  But I realized this wall has became much more than that! This wall has become more than an inanimate object; it has become a friend and therapist.  It has become a constant source of support in my life – it is amazing the things that may sustain us in times of need.

This separation/break up seems like such an endless pain. It ebbs and flows.  When I think I am fully recovered it hits me again.    All of a sudden, a word, a picture, a smell, anything will trigger the memories and the feeling of pain and loss.  Lately anger has started to make an appearance too.

As a partner, the wall is the best because it returns every single ball!  As a therapist it listens and gives me the space and silence to figure out the answers myself.  As a friend it is always there for me whenever I need it without requiring anything back.

This wall is my own personal Wailing Wall.  I cry, I lament the loss of the relationship and all the perks that I had with the relationship.  I wine, I explain and rationalize.  I say everything I won’t dare say to anybody else.  After all, it has been 10 months; I should be over this already.  I don’t think anyone cares to hear anything else about it anymore.  Frankly I myself cannot stand to think of him and his name again.  It gets to a point that you realize that life doesn’t stop and wait for you to get over it.  I feel I should be embarrassed to be mentioning it again, when it should be just history and just a faint memory.

And yet, every time I am alone with my thoughts hitting balls against the wall I find myself going back to the same unanswered question:  What happened?

Things have gotten better over the months; I noticed the crying and lamenting slowing down and giving way to just happiness and newness.  The wall has now become my confidant and as such it is just the best. It welcomes everything I say with absolutely no judgment.

So this post is giving credit to another lifesaver, which along with blogging(bloggers), my sister and a few friends has pulled me up when I was down.

Our interaction goes something like this:

I get there and start hitting against it! I start thinking of the tennis court I used to have, and then I think of the lies and disrespect.  I get sad (and lately angry) and I start crying, then I realize that I cannot see the ball clearly through tears.  I tell myself that I need to snap out of it!  I realize that 2 minutes of crying is more than enough.  I wipe my tears away and concentrate on my hitting.  I start counting my blessings one by one! I have the feeling of gratitude fill me and my mood is completely restored.

I long for the day that I will have no memories of and about Ex.

Thank you Wall for what you have done and continue to do for me!

Why am I judging? … am I perfect?

15 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am a work in progress, and sometimes it feels like there is so much work to be done!!

Today I find myself being very judgmental! I am ashamed of that! Who am I do judge anyone? Who is anyone to judge anyone?

Of course I know better, but sometimes thoughts creep in even,  and before I know it I am forming opinions and judging based on those opinions.   The moment I catch myself doing that I admonish myself!

Case 1) I passed a beggar (I hate that word!) on the street.  He was a man probably in his early 40s, other than missing half of a leg he seemed to be in great health.  He is standing on the corner of 30th Street and Madison Avenue and he is shaking a paper cup that sounds like there are couple of coins in it!

I had noticed him approaching me and extending his cup.  The first thing I noticed about him was how young and health looking he appeared.  I would probably just walk on by, were not for the light turning red.

Standing there waiting for the light to turn green gave me a chance to have all sorts of thoughts and pass all kinds of judgment.

a)      I felt blessed for having both of my legs.

b)      I sympathized with him since my own father had to have his leg amputated due to a battle with cancer, which by the way he won!  Cancer took his leg, but not his life!

c)       But unfortunately I also judged him.  After watching Oscar Pistorius running on the Olympics without both legs why is this guy not working? Perhaps a better question is why am I comparing this man standing on a corner with an elite athlete?

I have to remind myself that each one of us are born with our own crosses to bear.  Some find strength in the difficulty, welcome the challenge and thrive. Other’s use their shortcomings as a crutch, an excuse to give up on life; while still other’s try their hardest but cannot overcome the cards they are dealt.

I reached in my purse and pulled some cash and gave to him, and by now the light having turned green I went on my way.  I am ashamed to say that I now realized that I never looked into his eyes and face.  I gave money to make myself feel better, but I never gave him the respect that he deserved as a fellow human being sharing this earth with me.  I thank God for giving me the wisdom to understand the wrong in my actions. I promise to do better next time, to be more thoughtful, more human!

Case 2) A friend needs my financial help.  It is not the first time and, sadly, it will not be his last.  I am going to help him, because this person is like a brother to me and if I had only 1 last dollar left I would share with him.  But I wish I could just help and not pass judgment.  I am helping but I felt the need to point out how I would have done things differently and had to have all kinds of questions on the way he is spending his money.  I fail to grasp that I have been blessed with a great job and haven’t had to endure the kind of employment problems he has had.

I should either help and let it go or just not help.  I know that!  And yet I can’t!

Case 3) Yesterday I am in the train at the end of the day when I get a call from work from a my assistant and from a couple of the brokers telling me that the internet is down and asking how to find and connect the wi-fi.  I see myself getting incensed.  First, I had made a point of telling my assistant where the wi-fi was and how to use it so that she would be ready if need be.  Second, they failed to contact our internet provider and to check our equipment in the server room, which should have been steps 1 and 2 before anything else.

And then I have to remember that we all can forget things.  I have to remind myself that I have caught myself forgetting about details that I should known better.  But my assistant is not perfect, and neither am I!

Case 4) Also in the train last night there was this woman speaking so loud.  Just so happen that she was Brazilian and I could understand everything she was saying.  She was badmouthing someone on the phone.  I was getting so aggravated by everything about her, her voice, what she was saying.  Why talk so loud? Is she clueless?  She is a couple of rows ahead to me so I cannot see her, just hear her.

Then I get up to exit and catch sight of her.  She was extremely obese and I think: instead of badmouthing someone so loudly on the phone she should be exercising!!

One would think that I am a soft spoken skinny girl.  Wrong on both counts!  I have to control my voice when excited about a topic or when angry.  The scale is not my friend, we have engaged in terrible battles!

Case 5) Of course I have to mention the Ex.  I long for the day that I will have no feelings about him.  I want him to be “just someone I knew”.  Lately I am mostly angry and judgmental when I think of him. How dare he do the things he did? Why continue to lie about it and behave as nothing happened?

I need to stop judging him and his actions.  Nothing will change the past. And I don’t even want to change anything.  I have learned a lot and I am much better off now.  Still my mind drifts to the past, outraged at his actions, his words, his lies.

What makes me want to be judge and jury some times?  Is that to forget about my own shortcomings?  Do I think I am superior, better than others? Do I do it innocently?

I guess all of the above.  I am trying to learn more about me and the world around me.  The more I learn the more I realize there is so much more to learn and so much more for me to do in the quest to a better self.

Still I am being positive and thinking that coming to the realization that I can be too judgmental at times is a huge step in the right direction.  I cannot control the thoughts that come into my mind, but I can control my actions as a result of those thoughts!

An open letter to my Friend … Letting go of pain and fear and embracing the moment!

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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(this started as an e-mail to my friend after a long conversation last night.  

Dear Friend, this is to you, and to me, and to all in pain!)

I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words.  But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. I wish I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.

I hope one day to come up with a magic word that will snap you out of the past and into the present. Until then I will keep trying with the weapons I have: brutal honesty peppered with humor all enveloped in love.

I wish I could just give you a hug and hold you for a long time and be held by you for a long time.  I want to be like that as day turns into night and then into day again. I just think that you need to be handled with love and care like I do. And I am not talking about sex (even though, that probably wouldn’t be so bad either), I am just talking human touch and connection.  Just that feeling of somebody being there for you – no words necessary!

I don’t know the extent of your hurt and your pains from the past, but I know that is holding you back from being in the present and looking to a future.  I don’t want to compare my pain with your pain.  We all hurt in different ways and different degrees.  We all deal with it in different ways.  I really have no business telling you what to do, how to react and how to feel.  But being a friend allows me no other choice.  I have to tell you how I feel.

.. and in writing this to you I realize I am also writing it to myself!

I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME.  I don’t want anything from you.  I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! That is why I make the most stupid jokes, all in an attempt to hear your laughter!

I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion.  You have morals and lives by them! What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, fallible, caring and sensitive.

I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past!

I want you to stop fearing your future! Live the now in full!  Be here completely now!

You are not your past and your past is not you! Right now you can decide who you want to be and what life and future you want.

Respect the pain! Don’t run away or try to bury your past: expose it, confront it, feel it, cry it, mourn it, forgive it, and then let it go! Stop dragging it around with you.  It is such a heavy baggage and it has no place in your present and future.

Forgive the people that hurt you in the past!  Only when you forgive them, you are able to leave them where they belong:  in the past.  Let them be just a page on your big book of life. You have no idea of the pain that they could be carrying themselves.  Whatever they did to you it was not because of you but because of their own pains and their inabilities of dealing with it and communicating their needs. Wish them well, pray for them.  I still pray for Ex and wish him only the best in life. The peace that I get whenever I send him good thoughts is priceless to me.  It frees me.  It pacifies my heart!

Forgive yourself! Even if you think that you caused yourself pain in the past or that somehow you did something to deserve it, realize that you are a flawed human being. You will make mistakes every now and then – making mistakes is part of our growing.  The key here is to acknowledge it, learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go!

Believe in God without any question! Believe that there is a reason for everything, even in the hurt.  If you believe that God is a loving and merciful God than what do you fear? What do you doubt?  Pray, meditate, talk to God, tell him your fears, place your fears in his hands and let it go!

Be grateful! Remember to thank God for the goodness he has blessed you with.  Remember to be thankful for everything you have in life. Be grateful for your health and the health of family members, for the job you have, for the house you live in and the car you drive.  Be grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and the benefits of the rain, for the food you just had and for the smile of a stranger!

Pain is necessary and unavoidable! The pain was necessary to get you to where you are today!  But it is your choice to wallow in self pity or gain strength from it and move on.  And don’t get me wrong, the future won’t be only love and joy, you will probably get hurt again, but that is called living!  If were not for the bad, the good wouldn’t have any flavor.

The best is yet to come. We both thought that our last relationships were amazing and the one that we were destined to be with, but guess what? Life has bigger and better things in store for us.  That was just an appetizer for the feast that lies ahead!

Am I just fooling myself?  Perhaps, but who really knows what the future holds? No one, but God (if you believe), so choose to live a life that is full of promise.  Concentrate on today and love and live the most that you can! Send to the Universe that idea the your future is so bright you will need sunglasses 24/7.

Hurt? Hurt is growing pains! Hurt is just the price that we have to pay for the ultimate happiness!

Stop looking for answers! Sometimes in life there are no answers.  People behave in the ways they behave and sometimes it makes no sense and there is no explanation.  Yes, they could have been honest and open and upfront about whatever was troubling them instead of blindsiding us with “we are over”.

See hardships as gifts! I totally believe that when people break up with us they are doing us a favor! Of course I wish the break up was different. Pain and hurt are there to makes us stronger.  It forces one to confront themselves and either fall apart or thrive!  It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves and be the best that we can be!  There is an unique lesson here and we need/want to make sure not to miss it!

Enjoy life-don’t let fear hold you back! I want you to go out and dance and date! Try again, as many times as necessary! (yeah I must admit this was a real tough one for me to write.  There is nothing I dread more than you finding someone and my dreams of ever meeting you and perhaps being more than friends will have to come to an end.  But when you love someone you have to put their needs ahead of your wants.)

LIVE! LOVE! AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, WHENEVER YOU CAN! That is my dream and hope for you!

(Thank you Ex for making my pain so unbearable that I started writing a blog so I would not explode. Were not for that, I would not have gotten back to my love of writing.  Were not for that I would not  have met so many great people that genuinely care and graciously offer their love in the form of comments. Were not for that I would have not met my Friend – the one that I am sure was part of my life in a previous existence.  He walked straight into my heart!. My heart doesn’t have an exit door!  Once you are in you are there to stay)

 

In looking back I move forward …

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness.  So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control.  That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week.  So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.

(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)

October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.

November 2011.  I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!

December 2011.  We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.

January 2012.   I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him.  I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.

February 2012.  I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable.  I count the hours til I am going to see him next.  He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing.  I continue to lie to myself.  He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.

March 2012.  I start this blog.  I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.

April 2012.  He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time.  For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out).  I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.

May and June 2012.  I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength.  Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips.  I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.

July 10th 2012.  He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined.  I decide that I need to stop this insanity.  Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again.  I have to cut all contact.  I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form.  He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.

He didn’t try very hard…

July 13, 2012.  He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work)  has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.

I get so angry when I read that.  Tears start rolling down my face.  This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face.  I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not.  Very weird, but very fitting I believe.   This pain is also different.

This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past.  This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing.  This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.

After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.

I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again.  I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point.   I am not even curious about what he learned.   It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.

Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying.  At peace with being alone. At peace with life.  At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.

I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes.  I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave.  I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love.  I still pray for his well-being.  I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.

New Friend/New love.  I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone.  It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me.  When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word.  And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will.  This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow.  So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.

Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.

I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story.  I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs.  Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.

Current Life. I love my new small apartment.  It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do.  I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.

My Projects.

– Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.

– Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!

–Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body.  It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.

–French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!

–Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.

–Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled.  I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.

–Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.

***

Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!

I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come.  I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.

Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.

I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.

I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship.  I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship.  I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue.  There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will  be able to see things clearly.

In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.

So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page.  I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh.  You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.

I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad.  I welcome all and try to learn all that I can.  I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may.  I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can.  As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me.  I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able.  Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.

****

(all images from google images)

 

Hanging on for dear life!

10 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 55 Comments

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Yesterday was a days of ups and downs. One minute laughing, the next crying.

UP. I woke up happier than usual, for the first time in several months I have slept 6 hours straight!

DOWN. I was walking to the station and all of a sudden next to me there is this man with a huge snake around his neck. All snake lovers out there please forgive me but I am terrified of snakes.  It is more than that, to me they are always an omen of an impeding catastrophe.

UP. When returning the rental car the bill was $100 less than it was quoted. (by the way I rented a car to drive to Atlantic City to see Kanye West, I will write a post about at some point)

DOWN. We fired an employee.  I am sad and scared for him.  His life was already a mess, I am afraid that he may spiral out of control.  On the other hand this could be the best thing that ever happened to him.  Sometimes a person doesnt see a way out until they hit rock bottom.

UP. The books I ordered for a friend arrived and I was so excited to mail it to them. I truly enjoy giving gifts better than receiving. I can’t wait for him to get them!

MAJOR DOWN. Ex e-mails me to confirm that I am not going away with him to an event this weekend and letting me know there are still tickets left.  He also added that he hoped we could remain in touch.

It brought back a whole host of happy memories of the same event last year.  Was it all lies? Was I alone in my happiness and didn’t know it?

I replied thank you for the information and all the best, that is all I said.  Of course that was a green light for him to e-mail again. I ignored the following e-mail. But the damage was already done I was already a pile of tears.

I e-mailed my friend, or perhaps I should call him “my rock”. He pointed out some things to me:

1) I am not really completely over Ex, and perhaps there will always be something there.

2) If I really want to get over him I need to be tough and take a stand on any contact.

3) He is really not respecting my wishes about invitations.

4) He thinks that I will give in and have a relationship on his terms (booty call, vacation buddy)

5) I have to give up the idea of being friends with him.  If he was at least honest about his wrongdoing but he refuses to acknowledge and talk about it.  I cannot be friends with somebody I don’t respect.

5) I was being a bit of a masochist in trying to continue a relationship with him.

And he is right on all counts! So I once again resolve not to ever reply to any contact again.

Thank God the work day is coming to an end.

UP. I got to the lobby of my building and one of the doormen calls me aside and says that it is his last day working here, and I am one person that he wanted to make sure to say good bye because as he puts it: “you are always smiling and so happy, so pleasant, a joy to be around”. It is rewarding to hear that. No matter what is going on inside I try to always have a smile on my face and spread joy to those around me.

UP. I went to my Zumba class, actually the instructor corrected me, her class is not Zumba, it is Cuban Fusion – same difference if you ask me, fun all the same. It was amazing.  I love to dance.  I felt so happy and high as a kite after the class.

MAJOR DOWN.  Another email from Ex waiting for me at home.  Once again he is talking about the event.  I realized that by replying some times and silence others I was sending him mixed signals and still leaving the door open. So I wrote him a final e-mail.  This e-mail came straight from the pain in my heart. I said it all over again, but this time I asked him not to contact me in any way, shape or form.  Up to now I had asked him not to invite me to trips and dinners, but I dont think I ever said do not contact me at all.

It is hard to explain, but how can I close the door on a part of me? He, I realize, still has my heart in his hands.

***

How do I feel now? I am not sure. It feels over.  It feels I am missing part of my body and I will never get it back.  While I absolutely don’t want him back, I guess I still liked the idea of having him in my life. I still liked to hear from him.  It is hard to imagine that I will have no contact with someone that I shared everything for 3 years, someone that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life.  It is hard to write this, to face this.

Now it is in writing, it is in black and white.  And I am making myself a promise not to reply to any contact, if ever he tries again.

it feels final! and sad, and painful all over again!

****

I just received an e-mail from him saying that he is not happy but he will comply with my wishes.  He also added all the same bs, that he loves me, that he misses me and cries about me, but we can’t be together now, he is just too busy with business, etc. That he hopes that if I cannot be his lover, that I choose to be his friend and keep in touch.

cry me a river!

***

I am fine, some would say I am thriving.  My life hasn’t stopped because my heart is in pieces and my insides in shambles.

Lately the good days have been outnumbering the bad days.

Moments of never wanting to fall in love again are rare.  Moments of excitement of a new somebody are constant.

I am enjoying discovering feelings for somebody new.  Somebody, who is just a friend now. Actually he is not “just” a friend. He is a FRIEND!  Having feelings for somebody else makes me feel that life is not over.  Still, days such as yesterday makes me aware that the pain is still fresh, that Ex still means something, that I should go slow and not use one person to try to forget another.

So, I fall, I get up, I fall again and I get up again! I know I will always get up, thanks to God and all the angels he puts in my path!

(all images from google images)

The Burial

18 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 25 Comments

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This is about my final (I hope) meeting with Ex. I know in my heart that I will eventually be friends with him, but for now I just need and want distance and peace!

Before the meeting:

I am anxious and scared! Am I scared that I will end up in bed with him like every meeting before? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I am scared that I will get emotional looking at him and thinking about what we had.

I am scared that  I will bombard him with questions about things that no longer matter, such as the new girl in his life. It doesn’t really matter if the new girl is tall or short, young or old.   What is the point of wanting to know those details?

I don’t want to list all he has done wrong.    He knows what he did! And having him, once again not acknowledging my pain and his role in it it will just hurt me further.  (and yet I know that I am responsible for my feelings and reactions and that he cannot cause me pain if I don’t let him)

One thing is for sure, it does feels amazing though to be over him!  It feels powerful to not care what he thinks of me anymore.  It feels incredible that he doesn’t hold my heart in his hands anymore!

So today there are no preparations for his arrival.  There is no hair done, nails, waxing.  There is no incense burning, there is not special dress or lingerie.

I can’t wait until this is over.  This is similar to the feeling I feel right before I need to go in for another dental surgery.  I am sitting in the waiting room listening to the sound of the drill coming from another room knowing that I am next. Feeling the pain before the pain.

***

After

I am an emotional wreck! Amazing that I am here writing, but thanks to divine intervention I didn’t curl up and die, I washed my face and snapped out of it!

The moment that I closed the door on him leaving, the moment that I closed the door to my past, the phone beeps.  It is a friend texting and in a way it is future calling.  It is God telling me to look forward and stop looking back!  And I hear it loud and clear.

But let me back up and give you a summary of the evening.

I met Ex in the front of my building and he hugged me hello.  It was awkward and I felt absolutely nothing!  I thought I would cringe at his touch, but I didn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel like staying in his arms.  I am grateful that he didn’t go for a kiss hello.

We went to one of the Mexican Restaurants in the neighborhood.

I am already crying.  I am  crying from the second I saw him! I am one of those people that cry at any funeral, even if I don’t know the deceased. And in a way this is a funeral. I am attending the funeral of a fairy tale that has died a long time ago but it never got a proper burial until today.

We sit at the restaurant and I realize that I don’t know how to act. I can’t speak, I stutter.  I play with the napkin and utensils.  I am grateful he sat next to me and not accross from me so that I don’t have to look at him.

But love is a beautiful thing! I still think about his feelings, and I don’t feel like hurting him, and I know that my silence would. So, summing up a strength that I didn’t think I had, I start talking like I would talk to a friend. I tell him about my tennis lessons and my Pilates sessions.  He tells me about his businesses and volunteer work.  We manage to get through dinner and even have a few laughs.

We walk to my place because we have to finalize some paperwork, after all that is the reason he came here in the first place.  In 30 minutes we are done with the paperwork. But of course it would be too simple if that was the end of it!

He makes the mistake of inviting me to a couple of big events that are coming up that we used to attend together, and also another one that is an once in a lifetime thing that I have been dying to attend.  And that is when I can no longer hold it in.

I let it all flow, tears and words. I say all that I have inside. I talk about the hurt, the betrayal, I talk about the things I know for a fact he did, I talk about my disbelief that  he would throw a beautiful story away.

Everything that I didn’t want to ask about, I ask. Everything I didn’t want to mention, I do.

Through it all he remains mostly quiet, speaking up a few times to defend himself and to say that he didn’t know where I was getting my information from.  He mentions loving more than I would ever know. He once again says that timing for us is not right, he has to focus on his business and children.  He says he is not really dating, but seeing the girl once in awhile and spending most of his time alone, as if that somehow is supposed to makes things ok, as if that makes any sense.

I tell him not to invite me to anything and stop pretending that we are still a couple. I tell him to stop playing with my feelings and hurting me.

I was not planning on falling apart, but we all know that things don’t normally go according to plan. I don’t regret anything I said.  I also know that he didn’t really hear all I said.  He is not ready to hear and understand and acknowledge what he has done.

At the end he cried also, but I cannot tell you if there was any truth in those tears.  I would like to believe that he did have feelings for me and that he also mourns the end of our story. But I just don’t know. And I am happy to say I don’t care!

At one point he hugged me and kissed me on top of my head.  And I let him.  We stayed like that for a couple of minutes.  And then it was done.  I was ready to bury the pain, the hurt, the love, the good times, everything.

He says good night, I silently close the door! I am still crying, not from missing him or seeing him leave.  I am crying from exhaustion, from hurt, from anger, from love. My whole body aches. I think that is the feeling a marathon runner feels at the end of a race:  happy exhaustion!

At this point I am standing against the door that I just closed, unable to move. My phone beeps. It is text from a friend asking how I am. That is the beauty of life, the realization that I didn’t need to stay in that pain.  The beautiful feeling of having someone care and wonder how I was feeling.

His text and subsequent phone call were a sign from God.  His voice comes through the phone and into my ears as a hand passing over my hurt and slowly removing the dark pain.  Hearing his voice soothes me.  Hearing his voice brings me back to reality and out of the “poor me” state I was ready to drown myself in.

I realized that this perfectly timed text and phone call was God working in His mysterious way.   This person unknowingly provided me with the bridge from my past to my future.

I have learned what I needed to learn and I grateful for Ex for everything he has taught me – good and bad.  I am better than before I met him and for that I am thankful.  I am also thankful for him for helping me become the person I am today.

I have put the love and care that I have for him in a special place. I worry about him and pray that he finds contentment.

So now the past is buried and I am eager for my future, alone or with someone special.  I know God has a plan, so I have no need to worry or have any doubts.  I have always known that no matter what I am always going to be ok! And that knowledge is priceless!

Now as far as my heart goes, you can just call it Timex!

***

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nicklachey/icanthateyouanymore.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UbWTBoh7G4

Thank you for reading and supporting me and sending me your love!