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Yesterday was a days of ups and downs. One minute laughing, the next crying.

UP. I woke up happier than usual, for the first time in several months I have slept 6 hours straight!

DOWN. I was walking to the station and all of a sudden next to me there is this man with a huge snake around his neck. All snake lovers out there please forgive me but I am terrified of snakes.  It is more than that, to me they are always an omen of an impeding catastrophe.

UP. When returning the rental car the bill was $100 less than it was quoted. (by the way I rented a car to drive to Atlantic City to see Kanye West, I will write a post about at some point)

DOWN. We fired an employee.  I am sad and scared for him.  His life was already a mess, I am afraid that he may spiral out of control.  On the other hand this could be the best thing that ever happened to him.  Sometimes a person doesnt see a way out until they hit rock bottom.

UP. The books I ordered for a friend arrived and I was so excited to mail it to them. I truly enjoy giving gifts better than receiving. I can’t wait for him to get them!

MAJOR DOWN. Ex e-mails me to confirm that I am not going away with him to an event this weekend and letting me know there are still tickets left.  He also added that he hoped we could remain in touch.

It brought back a whole host of happy memories of the same event last year.  Was it all lies? Was I alone in my happiness and didn’t know it?

I replied thank you for the information and all the best, that is all I said.  Of course that was a green light for him to e-mail again. I ignored the following e-mail. But the damage was already done I was already a pile of tears.

I e-mailed my friend, or perhaps I should call him “my rock”. He pointed out some things to me:

1) I am not really completely over Ex, and perhaps there will always be something there.

2) If I really want to get over him I need to be tough and take a stand on any contact.

3) He is really not respecting my wishes about invitations.

4) He thinks that I will give in and have a relationship on his terms (booty call, vacation buddy)

5) I have to give up the idea of being friends with him.  If he was at least honest about his wrongdoing but he refuses to acknowledge and talk about it.  I cannot be friends with somebody I don’t respect.

5) I was being a bit of a masochist in trying to continue a relationship with him.

And he is right on all counts! So I once again resolve not to ever reply to any contact again.

Thank God the work day is coming to an end.

UP. I got to the lobby of my building and one of the doormen calls me aside and says that it is his last day working here, and I am one person that he wanted to make sure to say good bye because as he puts it: “you are always smiling and so happy, so pleasant, a joy to be around”. It is rewarding to hear that. No matter what is going on inside I try to always have a smile on my face and spread joy to those around me.

UP. I went to my Zumba class, actually the instructor corrected me, her class is not Zumba, it is Cuban Fusion – same difference if you ask me, fun all the same. It was amazing.  I love to dance.  I felt so happy and high as a kite after the class.

MAJOR DOWN.  Another email from Ex waiting for me at home.  Once again he is talking about the event.  I realized that by replying some times and silence others I was sending him mixed signals and still leaving the door open. So I wrote him a final e-mail.  This e-mail came straight from the pain in my heart. I said it all over again, but this time I asked him not to contact me in any way, shape or form.  Up to now I had asked him not to invite me to trips and dinners, but I dont think I ever said do not contact me at all.

It is hard to explain, but how can I close the door on a part of me? He, I realize, still has my heart in his hands.

***

How do I feel now? I am not sure. It feels over.  It feels I am missing part of my body and I will never get it back.  While I absolutely don’t want him back, I guess I still liked the idea of having him in my life. I still liked to hear from him.  It is hard to imagine that I will have no contact with someone that I shared everything for 3 years, someone that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life.  It is hard to write this, to face this.

Now it is in writing, it is in black and white.  And I am making myself a promise not to reply to any contact, if ever he tries again.

it feels final! and sad, and painful all over again!

****

I just received an e-mail from him saying that he is not happy but he will comply with my wishes.  He also added all the same bs, that he loves me, that he misses me and cries about me, but we can’t be together now, he is just too busy with business, etc. That he hopes that if I cannot be his lover, that I choose to be his friend and keep in touch.

cry me a river!

***

I am fine, some would say I am thriving.  My life hasn’t stopped because my heart is in pieces and my insides in shambles.

Lately the good days have been outnumbering the bad days.

Moments of never wanting to fall in love again are rare.  Moments of excitement of a new somebody are constant.

I am enjoying discovering feelings for somebody new.  Somebody, who is just a friend now. Actually he is not “just” a friend. He is a FRIEND!  Having feelings for somebody else makes me feel that life is not over.  Still, days such as yesterday makes me aware that the pain is still fresh, that Ex still means something, that I should go slow and not use one person to try to forget another.

So, I fall, I get up, I fall again and I get up again! I know I will always get up, thanks to God and all the angels he puts in my path!

(all images from google images)

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