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I am a work in progress, and sometimes it feels like there is so much work to be done!!

Today I find myself being very judgmental! I am ashamed of that! Who am I do judge anyone? Who is anyone to judge anyone?

Of course I know better, but sometimes thoughts creep in even,  and before I know it I am forming opinions and judging based on those opinions.   The moment I catch myself doing that I admonish myself!

Case 1) I passed a beggar (I hate that word!) on the street.  He was a man probably in his early 40s, other than missing half of a leg he seemed to be in great health.  He is standing on the corner of 30th Street and Madison Avenue and he is shaking a paper cup that sounds like there are couple of coins in it!

I had noticed him approaching me and extending his cup.  The first thing I noticed about him was how young and health looking he appeared.  I would probably just walk on by, were not for the light turning red.

Standing there waiting for the light to turn green gave me a chance to have all sorts of thoughts and pass all kinds of judgment.

a)      I felt blessed for having both of my legs.

b)      I sympathized with him since my own father had to have his leg amputated due to a battle with cancer, which by the way he won!  Cancer took his leg, but not his life!

c)       But unfortunately I also judged him.  After watching Oscar Pistorius running on the Olympics without both legs why is this guy not working? Perhaps a better question is why am I comparing this man standing on a corner with an elite athlete?

I have to remind myself that each one of us are born with our own crosses to bear.  Some find strength in the difficulty, welcome the challenge and thrive. Other’s use their shortcomings as a crutch, an excuse to give up on life; while still other’s try their hardest but cannot overcome the cards they are dealt.

I reached in my purse and pulled some cash and gave to him, and by now the light having turned green I went on my way.  I am ashamed to say that I now realized that I never looked into his eyes and face.  I gave money to make myself feel better, but I never gave him the respect that he deserved as a fellow human being sharing this earth with me.  I thank God for giving me the wisdom to understand the wrong in my actions. I promise to do better next time, to be more thoughtful, more human!

Case 2) A friend needs my financial help.  It is not the first time and, sadly, it will not be his last.  I am going to help him, because this person is like a brother to me and if I had only 1 last dollar left I would share with him.  But I wish I could just help and not pass judgment.  I am helping but I felt the need to point out how I would have done things differently and had to have all kinds of questions on the way he is spending his money.  I fail to grasp that I have been blessed with a great job and haven’t had to endure the kind of employment problems he has had.

I should either help and let it go or just not help.  I know that!  And yet I can’t!

Case 3) Yesterday I am in the train at the end of the day when I get a call from work from a my assistant and from a couple of the brokers telling me that the internet is down and asking how to find and connect the wi-fi.  I see myself getting incensed.  First, I had made a point of telling my assistant where the wi-fi was and how to use it so that she would be ready if need be.  Second, they failed to contact our internet provider and to check our equipment in the server room, which should have been steps 1 and 2 before anything else.

And then I have to remember that we all can forget things.  I have to remind myself that I have caught myself forgetting about details that I should known better.  But my assistant is not perfect, and neither am I!

Case 4) Also in the train last night there was this woman speaking so loud.  Just so happen that she was Brazilian and I could understand everything she was saying.  She was badmouthing someone on the phone.  I was getting so aggravated by everything about her, her voice, what she was saying.  Why talk so loud? Is she clueless?  She is a couple of rows ahead to me so I cannot see her, just hear her.

Then I get up to exit and catch sight of her.  She was extremely obese and I think: instead of badmouthing someone so loudly on the phone she should be exercising!!

One would think that I am a soft spoken skinny girl.  Wrong on both counts!  I have to control my voice when excited about a topic or when angry.  The scale is not my friend, we have engaged in terrible battles!

Case 5) Of course I have to mention the Ex.  I long for the day that I will have no feelings about him.  I want him to be “just someone I knew”.  Lately I am mostly angry and judgmental when I think of him. How dare he do the things he did? Why continue to lie about it and behave as nothing happened?

I need to stop judging him and his actions.  Nothing will change the past. And I don’t even want to change anything.  I have learned a lot and I am much better off now.  Still my mind drifts to the past, outraged at his actions, his words, his lies.

What makes me want to be judge and jury some times?  Is that to forget about my own shortcomings?  Do I think I am superior, better than others? Do I do it innocently?

I guess all of the above.  I am trying to learn more about me and the world around me.  The more I learn the more I realize there is so much more to learn and so much more for me to do in the quest to a better self.

Still I am being positive and thinking that coming to the realization that I can be too judgmental at times is a huge step in the right direction.  I cannot control the thoughts that come into my mind, but I can control my actions as a result of those thoughts!