US Open Tennis is one of my favorite times of the year; but this year is different. There are still too many memories there. Memories can be such a double edged sword. I feel blessed God gave me memory so I can look back and reflect how blessed I have been. But reflecting on good times can be painful. Are my memories correct? Was I that happy? Was I that in love? Was it all just an illusion? Did I just dream everything up?
My personal Wailing wall
Every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes an evening during the week I go to a Middle School on the other side of my town to hit balls against a wall. It is crazy that I haven’t been able to find a hitting partner, but I try not to dwell on that and be happy that at least I have this wall.
I found this wall right in the beginning of the break up. It was a time when I was in unbelievable pain. I was feeling sorry and sad for myself. It was a pain over the loss of Ex, the love, the house, the life I once knew. I was lost and trying not to fall apart. I was still trying to figure out how to reconstruct my life and was feeling like I would never feel whole again (truth be told I still wonder about that!)
Originally I felt this wall was a replacement for the backboard, tennis court and partner/instructor that I had. I felt blessed to have found a substitute. But I realized this wall has became much more than that! This wall has become more than an inanimate object; it has become a friend and therapist. It has become a constant source of support in my life – it is amazing the things that may sustain us in times of need.
This separation/break up seems like such an endless pain. It ebbs and flows. When I think I am fully recovered it hits me again. All of a sudden, a word, a picture, a smell, anything will trigger the memories and the feeling of pain and loss. Lately anger has started to make an appearance too.
As a partner, the wall is the best because it returns every single ball! As a therapist it listens and gives me the space and silence to figure out the answers myself. As a friend it is always there for me whenever I need it without requiring anything back.
This wall is my own personal Wailing Wall. I cry, I lament the loss of the relationship and all the perks that I had with the relationship. I wine, I explain and rationalize. I say everything I won’t dare say to anybody else. After all, it has been 10 months; I should be over this already. I don’t think anyone cares to hear anything else about it anymore. Frankly I myself cannot stand to think of him and his name again. It gets to a point that you realize that life doesn’t stop and wait for you to get over it. I feel I should be embarrassed to be mentioning it again, when it should be just history and just a faint memory.
And yet, every time I am alone with my thoughts hitting balls against the wall I find myself going back to the same unanswered question: What happened?
Things have gotten better over the months; I noticed the crying and lamenting slowing down and giving way to just happiness and newness. The wall has now become my confidant and as such it is just the best. It welcomes everything I say with absolutely no judgment.
So this post is giving credit to another lifesaver, which along with blogging(bloggers), my sister and a few friends has pulled me up when I was down.
Our interaction goes something like this:
I get there and start hitting against it! I start thinking of the tennis court I used to have, and then I think of the lies and disrespect. I get sad (and lately angry) and I start crying, then I realize that I cannot see the ball clearly through tears. I tell myself that I need to snap out of it! I realize that 2 minutes of crying is more than enough. I wipe my tears away and concentrate on my hitting. I start counting my blessings one by one! I have the feeling of gratitude fill me and my mood is completely restored.
I long for the day that I will have no memories of and about Ex.
Thank you Wall for what you have done and continue to do for me!