Category Archives: Daily Life

Bye 2013, Welcome 2014!

31 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Love is the absence of judgment.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

I was going to write a year-end balance of my life.  I was going to illustrate how far I have come and where I want to go.  The truth is it doesn’t matter!  What is important is that I continue growing, improving, facing old fears, charting new courses, moving always.  One foot in front of the other, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always taking a next step.

Coming very far just shows me that I have so much more to go and do.  Same with knowledge, but it is better to know than live in blissful ignorance.  Knowledge is power!

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” ― Socrates

My wish for myself and for the world in 2014:  More acceptance and less control and judgment.

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

I realized that my wanting to improve myself and the world around me, even though it a good thing, it was becoming a tad too controlling and self-important.  I was trying to control my surroundings.  I was passing judgment and I was not accepting of people’s difference of opinion.  I was feeling a little too self-important, like I have the knowledge and if people can only do as I say and follow my lead all would be fine.  Where is the respect for other people’s free will?

We all have our roads to travel, our crosses to bear, I have no right to interfere.   Even if asked, I should refrain from opining.  I don’t have all the answers.  Actually, even worst, I don’t even have all the questions.

“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” ― Paulo Coelho

So in 2014 I will watch for the times that I am passing judgment, for the times that I am trying to exercise control of something or situation.  I will accept more and do less (less manipulating and controlling).  I will refrain from giving advice.  I will allow nature to take its course without my constant need to guide the destiny.  Less reaction, less meddling, more acceptance and understanding!

Every single one of you are important to me and a part of my journey. For that I feel blessed and I am grateful! A wondrous and blessed 2014 to All!

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

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What seeds am I planting?

20 Friday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Whistler, BC, Canada

Whistler, BC, Canada – where I would love to be at this moment!

I was thinking of 2014 and I realized how important what I am doing at this very moment contributes to my future – no earth shattering news there but sometimes I catch myself going through the motions and not really living or paying attention to what I am doing.

I decided, to quote my favorite movie “Shaswhank Redemption”, get “busy living” instead of get “busy dying”.  I decided to take a look at my present behavior to see if I am conducting myself in a way that benefits my future.  What seeds am I planting?

Here are the questions I am asking myself, and in a way here is my self improvement list:

1)    Am I getting enough sleep and drinking enough water?

2)    Am I learning to accept, love and take care of my body the way it deserves?

3)    Am I watching what I eat and drink?  Am I getting enough protein and less sugar?

4)    Am I making sure I am not overindulging in anything, and letting any one thing control me? Chocolate, TV, even a good thing such as exercise can become an addiction if I let it control me.

5)    Am I reading more and watching less?  Books are food for my mind and soul, TV can sometimes desensitize us and make us life observers and not participants.  (of course there are bad books and good TV shows too!)

6)    Am I making sure I am not wasting my time online with useless distractions?  Online life can be addictive and unreal.

7)    Am I simplifying my life?  Getting rid of the excess, old and unused? Donate, trade, re-purpose!

8)    Am I recycling and not wasting resources?

9)    Am I keeping clean surroundings?  A clean desk, house, mind means more efficiency.

10)  Am I respecting my parents and my elders? Am respecting their opinions, their limitations?

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anaïs Nin

11)  Am I being kind to strangers?  Am I being kind to all, especially when it is most difficult to do?

12)  Am I surrounding myself with quality people, good energy people? Am staying away from negativity?

13)  Am I getting myself out in the world and networking and cultivating good relationships?

14)  Am I updating my resume and qualifications? Am I being ready and prepared should I come to need it?

15)  Am I giving back to the community, to the world? Am I volunteering my time and energy to worthwhile causes?  Am I donating money?

16)  Am I obeying the laws, written and unwritten?

He who knows others is learned;
He who knows himself is wise.
~Lao-tzu

17)  Am I being moral and ethical? Am I making sure that I am not taking shortcuts?

18)  Am I replacing old bad habits with new good ones? For example, taking a walk after dinner instead of sitting in front of the TV.

19)  Am I facing my fears and getting out of my comfort zone? This is the where and when my soul shines and my self esteem rises!

20)  Am I smiling often? Am I smiling when things are good and smiling even more when things are bad?

21)  Am I making sure I am not settling for less than what I deserve for fear (of something, the unknown, of being alone, etc)?

“It takes courage…to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” 
― Marianne Williamson

22)  Am I talking less and listening more? Am I using my words for the good?

23)  Am I using my skills and talents to the best of my abilities?

24)  Am I always learning something new?  (to me this is the key to staying young)

25)  Am I praying and having positive thoughts throughout my day? Am I trusting the God/Universe/Light within me?

26)  Am I being in the moment?  Am I being conscious of my actions and not going through life as a robot?

27)  Am I forgiving and forgetting? Am I forgiving others for wronging me?

28)  Am forgiving myself for past mistakes? Am I taking corrective measures to right and wrong but not dwelling in it?

29)  Am I learning to ask for help and accept help when I need it?  Am I offering help?

30)  Am I creating goals and working towards achieving them?

All men should strive to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber

31)  Am I keeping stress at bay, by learning to relax, breathing and hitting pause when necessary?

32)  Am I being non-reactive? Am I making sure that I am not being impulsive with my actions?

33)  Am I being financially responsible and living within my means?  Am I cutting out unnecessary expenses? Am I having respect for my money and the hard work I put in to get it?

34)  Am I accepting people as they are, and not imposing my will on them? Am I being non-judgmental?

35)  Am I welcoming pain, problems, obstacles, challenges, etc, as a growth opportunity?  Am I looking at the situation and learning from it?

36) Am I loving when hating would be easier?

37) Am I being grateful for all I have been blessed with?  I am honoring my blessings and not taking anything for granted?

This is an on-going list as I am a work-in-progress!

“It is necessary … for a man to go away by himself … to sit on a rock … and ask, ‘Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?” 
― Carl Sandburg

My favorite flowers: daisies

My favorite flowers: daisies!

My work is never done – Happily working and progressing!

12 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.” ― Aristotle

Some days the quote above really comes to mind when I think how far I came emotionally in the last couple of years.  It seems that the more I learn about myself, the more I fine tune, the more I work on things I think need to work on, the more I realize how much more work I need.

That is not to say that I am not giving myself credit for all the work.  I feel that spiritually and emotionally I am at a much better place and only scratching the surface of how awesome I can become.  I am excited to put in more work and watch myself blossom.

“Hard work does not go unnoticed, and someday the rewards will follow” 
― Allan Rufus

Here are some of the things that I am constantly trying to work on:

Being fully present in every moment.  Concentrating on the now is one of the best things you can do for your future.  The past is gone.  Some memories are good but to continue to relive the past is not healthy or beneficial.  At the same time don’t just live in the future. Do not dream of how amazing your life will be when something you really want happens, such as losing weight.  Start living that life now and do whatever you want to do now! Be conscious of every moment, pay attention to every moment.  Don’t be a robot!

“Forever is composed of nows.” 
― Emily Dickinson

Stay away from negative energy/people. We all know some people that sag our energy,  that drag us down.  They have a way of making us feel defensive or irritated or cause us to have some other negative feeling, so why choose to share space with them? Stay away!  Of course sometimes it is not possible to avoid them, in that case don’t give them power and opportunity. Don’t engage them in unnecessary conversation.

“You cannot expect to live a positive life if you hang with negative people.” 
― Joel Osteen

Stay away from bad influences and situations.  I know that there are certain situations I am vulnerable to.  For example, I know that there are certain types of guys that I start talking to and energy flows but I know they are not good for me in the end, but I am having fun so I continue in the slippery slide.  I need to avoid putting myself in those situations that I know it will not be a good for me.  Another sensitive area is sugar.  I know that if I buy a whole chocolate cake I will be tempted to slowly eat the whole thing, so now I only buy a slice. So this goes back to being present in the moment and asking myself if what I am about to do is beneficial to me in the long run.

Stay busy and active with things that matter. An idle mind is the devil’s playground.  That is so true and to that I will add: an idle body is also the devil’s playground.  But don’t just keep yourself busy with just anything.  Busy yourself with activities that benefit you and/or others.  Learn, build, construct, help, etc.  Make your actions meaningful.  With that being said, make sure to rest and have fun.  Don’t be a slave to and addicted to anything. Even healthy habits can be detrimental if you make them your God.  Practice balance and moderation!

Be kind to yourself.  No one is perfect.  We all err, and sometimes we make the same mistake twice, three times.  Don’t penalize yourself.   Take ownership of the mistake and move on.  Promise yourself that you will do better next time. Reward yourself for goals met and for accomplishments.  Don’t wait for anyone to tell you how awesome you are!   Be your biggest fan!

Act with love and kindness.  Just think of everyone as your brother/sister and treat them as such.  Even when it is the hardest thing to do, and is at that time that there is more value in doing it. Choose kindness, understanding and forgiveness.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

You are always and already whole and perfect as God intended.  Nobody can take away your values and morals.  People and circumstances may leave you feeling down, deflated, less than perfect.  Things and people may break your heart, your bones, take your money and material things, but no one can take your essence away.  Stay true to them.  Stay true to your morals and beliefs.  Don’t let anyone make you think that you not a good person.

“There are two kinds of perfect: The one you can never achieve, and the other, by just being yourself.” 
― Lauren King

Accept pain and problems as lessons and opportunities for growth.  Each roadblock is a little step towards a better you, towards a better future.  Each situation offers a chance for growth.  So welcome the hardship, but don’t suffer unnecessarily. Contemplate the situation and learn as much as you can from it.  Understand the part you played in it so not to repeat it.  Don’t stay in the pain and don’t act like a victim!

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”― Haruki Murakami

Never lose faith and hope.  No matter what happens in your life proceed with the faith and knowledge that as long as you continue working hard the best outcome will be yours.  Realize that at the most difficult times your faith is being tested, and that is when you need to believe the most!  Believe in yourself and the Creator and Universe within you!

“Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.” 
― Max Lucado

Don’t be reactive!  I am quick to react to anything, good or bad.  I normally blame it on being an Impulsive and impatient Aries.  Be in control of your steps and movements and actions.  Before anything, Stop and reflect!  (This one I learned, well still learning, in Kabbalah and I am still trying to apply to my life. It is not easy, before I know I already reacted)

“Spiritual practice involves being constantly aware.” 
― Shri Radhe Maa

Last, but not least, Smile! Don’t forget to smile! Smile in good times and in bad times smile even more!

“Peace begins with a smile..” 
― Mother Teresa

My Powerful Allies: Space, Time and Silence!

05 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri

This blog wouldn’t be the same if every now and then I wouldn’t mention Ex.  The goal is for him to be a long lost memory, but it is not turning out to be that way.

Here is the latest installment:

On Thanksgiving day he sent me a text saying Happy Thanksgiving.  Okay that may not seem like a lot or perhaps may seem like a good thing to some, but to me it hits a nerve.  How many times do I have to ask him not to contact me?

Doesn’t he understand that every time he does that he reopens a wound that is starting to heal?

I have been trying not to be reactive, so I didn’t do anything…  for 1 day. A day later his text was still in my mind, so I fired off a couple of texts telling him to please stop.  I was honest and told him how much it hurts me when he does that.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him that it hurts, perhaps that is what he wants.

He replied that he said Happy Thanksgiving  because he loves me and wants me and my family to have a good Thanksgiving. He also added that he was going to wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year now because he didn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often.

What??? He doesn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often???? How many times can I ask him not to contact me? Why does he play dumb?

“There are some wounds that one can heal only by deepening them and making them worse.” 
― Auguste de Villiers de l’Isle-Adam

So I texted a final text and I asked him to pretend I was dead because that is what I am trying to do in regards to him. It sounds dramatic, but it is true.

I am not proud of texting him, perhaps I should have not done it.  But what is done is done. No regrets, just hoping I can choose silence next time.

I am hoping I got my point across.  If not, my next step will be to change my phone number.

I have to see the good side of everything, so here is how I put my positive spin on it:

I welcome the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the anger, all the feelings fighting for space inside me and threatening to come out.  I welcome them all to come to the surface, have some face time and then leave.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

I am happy that even though I felt like replying to him right away I didn’t.  I didn’t react impulsively.  I thought about it and let things marinate. I replied anyway later but it didn’t control me, I controlled it.

I am happy that I am so sure I don’t want any contact with him.  Before, his texts would give me hope, even if I didn’t want to own up to it.  Now it is annoying and painful.

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”  ― Marcel Proust

I am at peace now. At peace with the text and hopeful that he now got the message.

I realized that I have a trio of allies and I need to let them do their work.  My allies are Space, Time and Silence.

Space/Distance:  I need to keep my space from Ex and that to me doesn’t only mean physical space.  It means not snooping around the internet looking for information on him. Yes I have been guilt of looking up his girlfriend’s Facebook, of checking all his businesses and rereading a couple of newspaper articles on him.  I am happy to inform that I haven’t done any of that in 2 weeks.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

“Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye.” 
― Samuel Johnson

Time: I need to let time work for me.  With each day I get stronger and his memory faint.  I also need to stop counting time.  There is no deadline or time limit for the grieving to be over.  But one thing is for sure time will pass and so will the pain and hurt.

“Because time does the job, dynamite can’t touch.” 
― John Steinbeck

Silence: I need to keep my silence and not let him engage me and my energy into texting, emailing, etc .  I don’t need to have the last word.  Silence is oftentimes the loudest!

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” 
― Lao Tzu

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” 
― Chaim Potok

One main issue for me is the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating.  When I got his text I considered for a moment meeting him and telling him everything I feel and what I need to hear from him.  And then I realized I have already done that.  There is nothing left unsaid on my part, and I don’t think he will ever acknowledge the cheating.  He has said sorry many times, but he says he is sorry for not taking care of the relationship and for not being the man I needed him to be.

“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.” 
― Paulo Coelho

If I let my 3 allies work for me and I diligently watch where I focus my energy and time, the truth will come out.  And the important thing is I know the truth and in the end it doesn’t matter.  I still believe he did me a favor.  I am better for the experience.  I am better for the pain!

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

You know what I find absolutely incredible and the most beautiful thing about me, and I thank God daily about it, is the fact that I may get angry, sad, and a host of other feelings but never at any moment I wish him bad. I wish him happiness.  I just don’t want to see it.

Dates Updates and a World of Gratitude!

28 Thursday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” 
― Leonardo da Vinci

I am too dumb for Kanye West, or perhaps I am too wise … who knows, the only thing I know is that I don’t get it, I didn’t get it.   I went to see him at Madison Square Garden on Saturday night and I couldn’t wait for the concert to be over. I literally couldn’t wait, so we left before the end of the concert.  I was hoping he was saving the best for last, but I didn’t want to wait to find out.

I saw him last year at the Revel in Atlantic City and thoroughly enjoyed the show.  I thought it was artistic and creative, so I thought I would at least enjoy some parts of this one.  This time I thought it was just too egotistical.  It seemed too desperate, it seemed like he was trying too hard.  Why is it that just good music is no longer enough?  Why all the gimmick, the masks, the religious artifacts, the self aggrandizing speeches?  Like with any art form this is subjective, clearly tons of people love the show as it continues to sell out.  But I much preferred the old Kanye – before the illusion of power transformed him.

****

“Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.” 
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

I was invited to the concert by someone I met on Plenty of Fish.  Yep, I am moving from E-harmony to POF – I need a bigger ocean to conduct my search :).

I don’t know why he choose to buy tickets to see Kanye, it was clear it was not his type of music.  I think he was relieved when I said we should leave before the end.

He was a nice guy, but that was it.  There were no sparks for me.  I already knew that even before I met him, but I chose to go on the date anyway because I want to have an open mind and  give a nice guy a fair chance.  He did everything right, he was was gentleman, but that is not enough.  I need sparks. He wanted to go out again, but I feel I would be wasting both of our times, so I said no.  I don’t think a second date would change anything.

****

“A man who drinks too much on occasion is still the same man as he was sober. An alcoholic, a real alcoholic, is not the same man at all. You can’t predict anything about him for sure except that he will be someone you never met before.” 
― Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye

Last night I went on a date with someone that I knew there would be tons of chemistry.  We had amazing conversations on the phone and texting.  He seemed to have all his ducks in a row.  So I was eager to meet him.

When we finally met there was still a lot of chemistry but I detected also not thing: He has a drinking problem!  As soon as we hugged hello I detected a hint of alcohol, his puffy face and mannerisms were some of the other telltale signs.   I have worked with an alcoholic before and I know what it looks like.

So after we sat at the bar in a restaurant in my neighborhood I took the direct approach and asked him if he had a drinking problem.  He denied and got defensive.  Then, he says: I don’t think so, I have incredible kids attending elite universities so clearly I am able to function well in society and must be doing something right. Oh sure, that clears that right up!! NOT!  It is amazing the lies that people tell themselves to avoid facing their problems, to make it seem that all is well and nothing needs changing.

I wish I could help him, but I cannot help someone that doesn’t have a problem and until he admits it, no one can help. I felt very bad for him and specially for his family.  I am inclined to think that is the reason his marriage failed.  I brought up AA, but that didn’t go over well.

I don’t have a problem with having baggage from our pasts, we all do, but I have a problem with lies, and worst of all with someone lying to himself about something so serious.

There is not enough chemistry, money, chivalry and good looks in the world to make me choose to stay in that sinking ship.  I had half a drink and politely called it the night. Later he texted and called trying to convince me that we could still work, then he resorted to tell me that I hurt him with my accusation. But I stood my ground, I didn’t force the issue and just blamed myself, I took the “it is me, not you” route.

At any rate I am so happy that I am able to let my mind discern things for me and not let my heart alone roam free.  I am grateful that God/Universe always opens my eyes.

… and the search happily continues …

“If I only had three words of advice, they would be, Tell the Truth. If got three more words, I’d add, all the time.” 
― Randy Pausch

***

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.” 
― Thích Nhất Hạnh

You all have an awesome Thanksgiving!!  no turkey for me.  I am thinking chicken for one!

I will be making a list of all the awesome things I have to be grateful for, and there are so many small and large miracles in my life, in anyone’s life really, if they choose to look close enough.

You, person that reads and relates to my words, reader that comments and showers me with positive thoughts, commentator that prays for me and encourages me to be myself and to continue strong, you don’t know how much you do for me and the extent of my gratitude!  Thoughts have power, and your power in my life is positively felt!  A soulful, simple but very heartfelt thank you!

A grateful attitude can change the world! Try it today!

Be Happy! Be blessed! Be grateful!

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” 
― Epicurus

He didn’t call and I didn’t fall to pieces!

19 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” 
― Steve Maraboli

He didn’t call! I cannot say I am shocked, but I am surprised and yet I knew it in my heart.  It is hard to explain, I had this instinct, this gut feeling that he would not call but at the same time how could he not after the great time we had?  So there was this little trace of hope, but as the one week mark approaches that hope has vanished.

This dating thing is odd.  Well, I guess people are odd.  (“Don’t blame the game blame the player”) Some guys will call right away asking for another date when it was clear that there was zero chemistry, and then there are the dates where the sparks were flying all over the place and the guy never calls.

In the past I asked a guy that I dated, well dated is a loose word, because I made sure to tell him that I accepted to go out as friends and he said he was okay with that. So I asked him why he continued to pursue me when it was clear I had zero interest in him romantically and he said, and I quote: “I thought I could change your mind”.  Then I asked one guy why he disappeared after a few great dates and he said, and again, I quote: “I think you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend”.

“The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.” 
― Steve Hall

People have their reasons for doing things. I don’t have a problem with that.  I have a problem with the delivery, the lack of respect in the way things are done. To just disappear?  Perhaps that is an acceptable dating behavior, but to me just screams of cowardice and lack of respect!

I am proud to say that I will not be calling him and asking him what happened.  I don’t care! I no longer need closure for this type of things because I no longer allow my heart to get involved that early in the game.  Genius solution: no heart, no pain!

It was just a date, and I am learning to lighten up.  (“learning” being the key here, I still take things way too seriously, and expect the best of people)

 “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” 
― Laurence Sterne

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter the reason why someone chooses to do or not do something.  What matters is how I conduct myself.  What matters is that I am honest and upfront with everyone.  I am only responsible for my actions.

I could come up with 300 reasons/excuses why he didn’t call, but at the day the truth is: “He is just not that into me”.

When a man wants something he goes after it, he will move mountains if he has to.  Nothing will prevent him for getting what he wants.  Well, at least that is the man I want.  I don’t want the insecure and fearful.  I want the brave!

I don’t want to judge (and yet this is what this post turned out to be about), but I appreciate honesty.   I appreciate the man that does not just disappear, that all of a sudden stops calling and e-mailing and you are left to wonder what happened.  I appreciate the man that steps up to the plate and tells me why he no longer wants to talk to me.  I guess I still have a lot to learn.  “The Four Agreements” just came to mind.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” 
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

So many lessons…

 I still would not have changed a single thing about the date.  Well, perhaps I would have made sure to get an extra kiss!

Next!

****

“Trying and getting hurt can’t possibly be worse for you than being… stuck.” 
― Eliezer Yudkowsky,

I have just been invited to the Kanye West concert at Madison Square Garden this Saturday.  I said yes, but I am not sure if it will work out or not.  I have never met this person or spoke with him on the phone, but I figure that I will be safe at a concert.  We still have to talk on the phone and iron details out and between now and Saturday a lot can happen …

This person is not the type of person I have been going on dates with lately – in all senses.  But perhaps there lies the magic.

I am not willing to discount someone because of appearances, because of their profession or lack of formal education.  I want to decide on integrity, respect, morals, and manners.  I care about actions, not words.  I don’t care where someone has been; I care about where they are going.

“In order to fly you have to create space in the open air so that your wings can really spread out. It’s like a parachute. They only work from a high altitude. To fly you have to begin taking risks. If you don’t want to, maybe the best thing is just to give up, and keep walking forever.” 
― Jorge Bucay,

***

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” 
― Charlotte Brontë

But here are the real big questions occupying my mind lately:

1)      What am I going to do for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years?  I don’t have family here in the US and I don’t normally fly to Brazil on holidays.  I used to go on Thanksgiving just to take advantage of the extra off days, but it hasn’t worked out the last few years.  I don’t mind spending alone (read: alone, not lonely), but alone doing something fun and exciting is much better.

Perhaps there is a soup kitchen somewhere…but I have always been told they have enough volunteers.  I am kind of sick of trying to volunteer, unfortunately!

“Christmas is our annual reminder to look up – pondering celestial stars, to look out – serving those in need, and to look down – glorifying our Lord in humble prayer.” 
― Richelle E. Goodrich

2)      Where and when am I going skiing?  I know I am going alone, but I can’t seem to decide on a date and location.  I wanted to go to Whistler, BC for Christmas but I am just not sure.   I welcome ideas for mountains that are beginner and single friendly.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

It is all about a kiss!

15 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

I had an awesome time at the date! Did I flirt, drink and kiss as I had hoped? Read on and find out…

I had been speaking on the phone with this person on and off for about a month.  We agreed to go on a date after my mother had left and he had returned from a trip abroad.  On the phone he had talked about taking me to his favorite Indian restaurant.  He was disappointed to find out that Indian food is not one of my favorite cuisines.  I mentioned that on a first date, the most important thing to me was the company and that I am able to find something to eat in any menu.

I like that he was the type of guy that made phone calls and was not only texting and emailing.  I don’t normally go around giving my phone number to every guy on e-harmony but if I do give my phone number I expect a guy to use it.

When he invited me via text to a hotel bar I was a little taken aback, but not to the point of saying no since we had already had agreed to meet.  At that point I had a feeling that dinner was not on the menu and just drinks.  I am fine with that!  I just like to make sure that I eat something beforehand so that I can enjoy a drink.

I like that he picked a bar that was extremely convenient to me.  I also liked that he got to the bar earlier and was sitting there waiting for me when I arrived.   When I got there he got up and gave me a hug.  When we sat down at a tall table he complimented me on my hat (it is pretty cute! J).  He also mentioned that I was exactly the way he had pictured.  He had seen my pictures but sometimes pictures can be so misleading.  I took that as a compliment.

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” 
― Walt Whitman

The date lasted approximately 3 hours.  We talked about everything.  He got my jokes and I got his!  We made each other laugh.  I am happy to say I did not monopolize the conversation as I normally do.  I had 3 flutes of sparkling wine.  We are talking about little flutes, so I think it amounts to only about a drink and a half.  That was plenty to make a girl that rarely drinks tipsy.  Perhaps I was laughing a little too much, but I don’t think that is bad thing.

At one point when I got up to go to the ladies room, I jokingly asked if I needed to bring my purse with me in case he decided to run away (We had been talking about bad dates).  He laughed and handed me his cell phone to take with me as security.  I thought it was a cute gesture.

We were very flirty towards each other.  I did mention to him that I liked his accent and that I thought he had kissable lips.  Being the red-blooded man he is, at that point he got up, approached me and kissed me.  It was perfect!  It was soft, gentle, sweet.  I could have stayed in that kiss for days.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” 
― Henry David Thoreau

After our 3 drinks, we had some water and he walked me to the train station.    Before walking out of the bar he kissed me again. There were no issues on my side about being kissed even though this is our first meeting.  All I felt like saying was: More please!  At the train station he kissed me good bye.

We exchanged a couple of emails while on my way home regarding some glasses that I thought that I had left at the bar and it turned to be in my purse.  He also asked if I realized I had sent the text about the glasses 5 times, which I absolutely did not, so I am not sure what to make of that.  He managed to add a good touch when he said good night writing my real name, which I had said to him in passing and no one ever remembers it after hearing it only one time.  I was impressed by that; and that has been the end of our communication.

We have met on Wednesday night and it is now Friday afternoon, and I still haven’t heard from him.  I cannot say I am surprised, as I really had no expectations.  I only think that we had a great time and there is absolutely no reason not to see each other again.  But that is the thing with dating, it takes 2 people and sometimes 2 people on the same date will have totally different opinions of how the date went.  If there is one thing I have learning dating in the city is that one never knows, no matter how awesome the date was if you will ever hear from that person again.

“Do not ruin today with mourning tomorrow.” 
― Catherynne M. Valente

I don’t like to wait.  Any time a guy makes me wait before he calls me again after a date, I feel he is playing games and the longer he takes to call me the more uninterested I get.  I feel that guys that wait a certain number of days to call so not to appear eager are playing games and I am not into games at all.  If I like you I tell you, so if you like me tell me and don’t make me wait.

So at this moment I don’t know if I will see him again or even hear from him again, but here is the best part: I don’t care!  Nothing changes the awesome time I had at the date.  It was an awesome re-entry into the dating world after a few months absent.   I am a simple girl and those simple sweet kisses will hold me up for awhile. I would not change anything about the date.

Was he really awesome or was I just in terrible need of a kiss? Who knows … 🙂

I realized how much I have been changing.  I am able to be in the moment and appreciate the moment without dreaming up a future and therefore not being disappointed if that future never comes!

“Mindfulness is like that—it is the miracle which can call back in a flash our dispersed mind and restore it to wholeness so that we can live each minute of life.” 
― Thích Nhất Hạnh

I am angry and I like it!

13 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am being forced to write this post.  Yes there is someone holding a gun to my head.  That someone is my conscience.

This blog has been a lifesaver.  I feel I owe my sanity to it.  Therefore I feel I cannot not share some feelings just because they show a side of me that I don’t like.    You are my friend and have been here through thick and thin, so you deserve to know how angry I am at this moment.  Anger is not me, and I don’t want to be seen as an angry person, but at this moment I am!

“The world needs more anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.” 
― Bede Jarrett

I don’t advocate anger, but I am welcoming anger at this point.  It feels liberating! It feels I am one step closer to being free.  This elusive freedom seems harder than I had fathomed!  Freedom from what you may ask? Freedom from thinking about Ex.

Here I go again talking about him.  He is a subject that should have been dead and buried a long time ago.  But anytime I seem to forget about him, something snaps me right back to the starting point.

I am here to tell you right now that anger can, at times, be a good thing.  It can open your eyes and be a healing force.  It can force someone to face a tough issue and snap someone into action.   It is strange to me to see anger in such a way, or perhaps it is just my positive self trying to be positive about something so negative.  I have to make this anger work for me.  This anger feels long overdue.  I had thought that I had been lucky enough to have never felt this angry towards my Ex.  I was proud of not having anger in my heart for him or anybody else.  I had periods of being mad, but nothing like what I have been feeling the last few days.  I realize we may jump around the grief process, but eventually we will get to all of them.  My grief as it turns out is not over!

What was the straw the broke the camel’s back?  A text with a picture!  Something snapped inside of me when I received this one text from Ex.  How dare he still text me after I had expressly asked for no contact and he agreed.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 
― Gloria Steinem

He sent me a text with a picture of him and the Kids. It is a long story but he had not seen his kids in a long time, so them all together is nothing shorter than a miracle.  The ex-wife is a nightmare and always tried to prevent the kids from having a relationship with the father.  He is a lousy partner but a great father and deserves to see the kids and the kids need to see him.

I know that some of you will say that he wanted to share his happiness with me.  Well, he is not allowed to anymore!  I have asked for no contact, no contact means not contact.  He is happy I know! I am happy for him.  But I don’t care to know about his life at this point.   I am angry over everything regarding Ex and I am angry over having kept the door open to him.  How could I have looked at everything he did so lightly?  How could I have continued to engage in communication with him?

Perhaps it was the caption on the picture that read: ‘”The whole family together again”, or perhaps that he wrote that the kids asked about me and sent their love.  Perhaps still, it was the assumption that who took the picture was the new girlfriend; well I am sure of it! So after being happy for him, I was mad.

There is one point where you need to stop being polite and just start watching out for yourself.  I am there!

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” 
― Aristotle

I am angry at myself for being angry and for still having all these bottled up feelings for him.   I feel that I should have been this angry 2 years ago.  I was going to ignore the text.  I let it marinated overnight, but by the next day at noon I had only grown angrier and even though my sister and my co-worker suggested that I either ignore it or just say that I was happy for him, I had to go and tell him exactly how I felt.  I told him how it hurts me to hear from him.  How I don’t want to be contacted again and don’t care to know about his life. I also mentioned how I thought the new girlfriend was a good replacement for me.  I am not proud of that text, but I don’t regret it either.

He and I cannot be friends, no matter how much time goes by.  We have no reason to be friends or have any communication (unlike couples that have children together).  So I am finally letting go of this illusion of being friends one day.  I don’t want to be friends with someone that has done what he has done to me, someone that continues to be clueless as to how much he hurt me and to the ramification of his actions, and someone that only thinks about himself.  To this day he has never acknowledged any wrongdoing, and continues to lie to people saying that I moved out to be closer to my job and that we are still friends. He created a lie and he believes in it.  I refuse to participate in that lie anymore.

He hasn’t replied to my text and I don’t expect or want a reply.  I said what I had to say and I don’t want to hear or talk about him anymore.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” 
― Maya Angelou

This anger allowed me to see things clearer.  It allowed me to look around and realize that I was still keeping him around in things.  So I burned the letter that he sent me, which, when I received it,  had made me happy and had felt like a good closure.  I burned some proof I had of his cheating – I know he cheated I don’t need to proof to anybody.  I deleted all the emails and the pictures.  I don’t know why I was keeping those things around, but it feels awesome to have those things gone.  I could have just thrown those things away, but there is nothing like burning them with white sage incense. It felt like a ritual of getting rid of the past and cleansing the path for the future.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” 
― Malcolm X

So, I am hoping this is the last chapter on the Ex story, but even as I write this I think of a never ending bad Halloween movie.

***

On a separate note, I went to my first Kabbalah class last night.  I really enjoyed it because it seems to validate what I already believe in.   The teacher talked about the need to stop being reactive.  I had always saw my reactive behavior and impulsiveness as being a good thing, as a sign that I was following my heart and my instincts, but of late I had started to question that and realize that one thing had nothing to do with the other. Yesterday it felt like a validation of my thoughts.

Perhaps I am already brainwashed :), but it appeared that the teacher was talking directly to me.  Everything fit me to a T, specially when it came to relationships.

I am eager to learn more and perhaps share things that I find useful.

***

I am going on a date tonight!!! After a long time with no dates I am meeting a handsome, smart and funny Englishman tonight.  We have spoken on the phone a few times but had not met before because of how busy I had been with my Mom and because of his travels.

Do I think he is the one?  Well, I don’t accept an invitation unless I see potential.  I don’t want to waste anybody’s time or my own.  I am choosing not to have huge expectations.  All I expect is a fun time with a potential friend.

I am excited about being out at a social setting, having a drink and flirting my ass off!!  Did I mention that he appears to have very kissable lips?  Well I don’t normally go kissing anyone on the first date, but it has been a long time and my lips have been lonely! Oh and his accent is both sexy and powerful… I am thinking I should have only one drink …

“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits. (January 11)” 
― Sarah Ban Breathnach

Out with the Old, Making Room for The New!

08 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -” 
― Joseph Campbell

I feel the need to clean up.  I feel heavy and need to become lighter.  I feel stuck, stationary.  I feel weighed down.  I need to stop carrying baggage, all sorts of baggage.  I need to move forward.

Hate me if you want, but I am one of those crazy people that love cleaning and organizing.  I have always been a big fan of cleaning, organizing, discarding the old and the broken and making room for the new.  It is cathartic. I would even dare to say it is life changing.  Every time I am down I start cleaning and feel immediately better.

The world we live in is so materialistic, so we all tend to accumulate stuff that we don’t need/use.   I have played a part in this acquiring game.  It seems some people always want to have the newer, the bigger, the better, and the faster.  Where and when do we stop?  Where is the thought, the need, the balance?

For me this time is here and now!!

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” 
― Andy Warhol

I am not only talking about my apartment, I am talking about my life.  I am starting with my closet, but that is just the beginning.  Nothing is safe, nothing will be spared.

This cleaning up involves, not only clothing and books, but photos, emails, memories, people. Everything I can think of, everything I come across as I go about my day. Everything will be evaluated to see if it is adding to my life or detracting from it.

I am on the lookout for hidden baggage, things that are weighing me down without my even my realizing, and that is when I realized that some people have become a heavy burden.

“Set fire to the broken pieces; start anew.” 
― Lauren DeStefano, Sever

Besides cleaning I will also be burning bridges. Yes, I am going to do what everyone says it shouldn’t be done.  I don’t want to go back and I don’t want anyone getting back either.  Going back to things and people that are not adding to your life should not be an option. So, in a way, I will be cleaning people out of my life and hopefully out of my heart.

I realized I had been keeping some doors open because I didn’t to hurt people’s feeling, and I suspect that deep down inside, I was hoping that people would change.  But I feel those open doors are hurting me.  Leaving the door always half open to people and things don’t work anymore.  Thinking that you will eventually have use for an object, or that eventually you will fit in those jeans or that, somehow, that one person will realize how awesome your friendship is, is becoming detrimental to me.  It is not allowing room for the new and the better to get in.

I am cleaning everything and it feels amazing.  It feels like great first steps in a brand new life.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -” 
― Joseph Campbell

The material things I am seeing if I can repurpose, if it can become somebody else’s treasure.  I give it away with gratitude in my heart for how that item at one point was important to me.  To people, I am saying I am important and you are doing me harm by your lack of consideration, so I don’t want to hear from you anymore.   I thank you for the purpose you have served, for the lessons you taught.   I wish joy and success in the future, but I will no longer be playing any part in it.

My cleaning is on-going, as each new day brings new cleaning opportunities. It feels great to be moving in the right direction.

I want nothing sitting on the side unused.  I don’t want anything broken. I will either fix it or give it away or throw it away.  I don’t want anything ugly to my eyes.  I only want things that make me smile.  I want things with meaning.  I want clothes that flatter me; I want shoes that are comfortable.  I want books that teach me something.  I want emails that when re-read add to my life, and do not make me cry and long for the past.  I want contacts in my phone that mean something and are not just phone numbers.

I want people that matter in my life.  I don’t need quantities of anything.  I need and crave quality! Please be noted here that I have given certain people chance upon chance and each time I was repaid with pain.  In the end I am realizing I was doing them no favors.  I was only prolonging the inevitable: their being accountable for their own actions, and reaping what they sow.

Paulo Coelho said it best:

“Close some doors today.  Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere”

So give it a try, start with one drawer, one table, one old box, clean it out and see how amazing it will feel afterwards!!  Take that one thing that brings bad or sad memories and get rid of it.  I had some emails that I always re-read and that it never failed to make me sad. It was very hard to delete them, but I feel free and empowered by having deleted them all.

I am constantly asking the question: What else in my life needs to go to make room for the new? A new answer just came to mind: Habits.

I need new habits to replace old, tired ones.  And that will be the topic of a new post:  the need to create new healthy habits to replace old damaging ones.

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou

I will continue dreaming…

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” 
― Albert Einstein

In the darkness of my room, in the safety and comfort of my bed, right before I am about to fall asleep, thoughts occupy my mind…All kinds of thought and memories.  Often good thoughts, sometimes thoughts of Ex and the way we were (which I have been good at keeping those at bay), but most often what is on my mind are dreams and plans of an awesome tomorrow.  At that very moment every night the world is full of promise and the possibilities are endless.  At that very moment I could conquer the world.   I often think about some special someone I may be talking to online or on the phone, and all its promise of a future together.

Finding a partner and starting a family is a recurring dream.   When I say starting a family it doesn’t mean having kids.  Even though the idea of kids are amazing; at this point is no longer feasible.  So it will probably be a family of two adults acting like kids, and perhaps a few dogs.

“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.” 
― Gloria Steinem

But last night a dark thought entered my mind.  It interrupted my day-dreaming, it got me scared.  The following words came into my mind: it isn’t all a bit too late?

That thought woke me right up!  Since when did I let facts and reality interrupt my awesome illusory life?  Am I turning into a realist? Or worst yet, a pessimist?   I love being a dreamer, an optimistic.  I love thinking that the world is amazing and life is beautiful.  I go out of my way to focus on the good only.

The next thought was: Should I give up?  Give up on the idea of finding a partner?  I thought I would never say this, but I am thinking that perhaps it is just too late.  Too late, way too late to find a husband and start a life together.  Yes, I said it!  I want a husband! I want the commitment, the partnership, the idea of romance, fairy-tale, forever. And yes I also said that perhaps I decided to want that a bit too late in life. In my teens, twenties, thirties, I never wanted the wedding, the marriage, the fairy-tale.  I pushed it all aside and focused on surviving, and thriving in all other areas of my life.

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming – well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” 
― Amy Tan

My single life is awesome and I adore all I have, and having the right partner would add to it.  But I am also aware of the potential of encountering the wrong person and all of a sudden realizing that I was better off alone.

Do I continue to live an illusion or do I wake up and wise up?  Is it harmful to live in la-la-land?

“Dreams, if they’re any good, are always a little bit crazy. ” 
― Ray Charles

I guess those thoughts came to me because of being excited about someone I am getting to know online.  He seems full of potential, and at times too good to be true.  We have not met yet as I want to dedicate my free time now to my visiting mother and decided to meet him after she leaves in about 2 weeks.

As I navigate the online dating waters, I alternate between hopeful and cynical.  Somebody contacts me and it seems really promising, I get excited and the next instant he totally disappoints me.  Perhaps this time I am trying to protect myself about being too hopeful.

With all that being said I rather spend my days and nights in the illusion of the infinite world of possibilities.  I rather continue to think that my dreams will come true and work towards that.  I rather think that perhaps next time I turn a corner I may bump into Price Charming.  I rather bask in the rays of oblivion, than to live in a world where “I missed the boat” because I dared to go at my own pace and do things my way and on my time.

“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.” 
― Victor Hugo

I have noticed that people are often too afraid.  They are afraid of trying, of taking a chance.  Afraid of putting themselves out there and looking desperate.  People are afraid of failing and therefore they give up on trying.   They are afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of taking a chance on love. Afraid of looking foolish.

I am not saying everyone should have a partner.  What I am saying is that I want one and I am not afraid of appearing desperate and foolish.  I will not give up on that idea at the present moment.  What I am saying is that people should not be afraid of taking a chance on what they want, be it a boyfriend, a new job, a singing career, a single life.  Whatever it is that you dream with/about go ahead and take steps to make it a reality.

The harder something is to achieve the better it will taste when you finally get it.  There is nothing better than reaping the rewards of hard work, of taking a chance and making it.

“Nothing happens unless first a dream.” 
― Carl Sandburg

If you are satisfied with single life, stay single! I am not there…yet, perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and think single is the way to go, until then there is online dating.  Until then I will distract myself dreaming of the possibilities.

I want someone like me.  I want the fearless!  I want the one that keeps falling flat on his face and keeps going. I want the one that keeps going after what he wants against all odds.

And with that I am telling the dark pessimistic thoughts to go bother somebody else. I am not an easy prey! I look great with my rose colored glasses on! I got dreams to make into reality and goals to achieve. I don’t have time for negativity and darkness!

Always a dreamer and proud of it!!

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” 
― John Lennon