Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

I am angry and I like it!

13 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am being forced to write this post.  Yes there is someone holding a gun to my head.  That someone is my conscience.

This blog has been a lifesaver.  I feel I owe my sanity to it.  Therefore I feel I cannot not share some feelings just because they show a side of me that I don’t like.    You are my friend and have been here through thick and thin, so you deserve to know how angry I am at this moment.  Anger is not me, and I don’t want to be seen as an angry person, but at this moment I am!

“The world needs more anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.” 
― Bede Jarrett

I don’t advocate anger, but I am welcoming anger at this point.  It feels liberating! It feels I am one step closer to being free.  This elusive freedom seems harder than I had fathomed!  Freedom from what you may ask? Freedom from thinking about Ex.

Here I go again talking about him.  He is a subject that should have been dead and buried a long time ago.  But anytime I seem to forget about him, something snaps me right back to the starting point.

I am here to tell you right now that anger can, at times, be a good thing.  It can open your eyes and be a healing force.  It can force someone to face a tough issue and snap someone into action.   It is strange to me to see anger in such a way, or perhaps it is just my positive self trying to be positive about something so negative.  I have to make this anger work for me.  This anger feels long overdue.  I had thought that I had been lucky enough to have never felt this angry towards my Ex.  I was proud of not having anger in my heart for him or anybody else.  I had periods of being mad, but nothing like what I have been feeling the last few days.  I realize we may jump around the grief process, but eventually we will get to all of them.  My grief as it turns out is not over!

What was the straw the broke the camel’s back?  A text with a picture!  Something snapped inside of me when I received this one text from Ex.  How dare he still text me after I had expressly asked for no contact and he agreed.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 
― Gloria Steinem

He sent me a text with a picture of him and the Kids. It is a long story but he had not seen his kids in a long time, so them all together is nothing shorter than a miracle.  The ex-wife is a nightmare and always tried to prevent the kids from having a relationship with the father.  He is a lousy partner but a great father and deserves to see the kids and the kids need to see him.

I know that some of you will say that he wanted to share his happiness with me.  Well, he is not allowed to anymore!  I have asked for no contact, no contact means not contact.  He is happy I know! I am happy for him.  But I don’t care to know about his life at this point.   I am angry over everything regarding Ex and I am angry over having kept the door open to him.  How could I have looked at everything he did so lightly?  How could I have continued to engage in communication with him?

Perhaps it was the caption on the picture that read: ‘”The whole family together again”, or perhaps that he wrote that the kids asked about me and sent their love.  Perhaps still, it was the assumption that who took the picture was the new girlfriend; well I am sure of it! So after being happy for him, I was mad.

There is one point where you need to stop being polite and just start watching out for yourself.  I am there!

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” 
― Aristotle

I am angry at myself for being angry and for still having all these bottled up feelings for him.   I feel that I should have been this angry 2 years ago.  I was going to ignore the text.  I let it marinated overnight, but by the next day at noon I had only grown angrier and even though my sister and my co-worker suggested that I either ignore it or just say that I was happy for him, I had to go and tell him exactly how I felt.  I told him how it hurts me to hear from him.  How I don’t want to be contacted again and don’t care to know about his life. I also mentioned how I thought the new girlfriend was a good replacement for me.  I am not proud of that text, but I don’t regret it either.

He and I cannot be friends, no matter how much time goes by.  We have no reason to be friends or have any communication (unlike couples that have children together).  So I am finally letting go of this illusion of being friends one day.  I don’t want to be friends with someone that has done what he has done to me, someone that continues to be clueless as to how much he hurt me and to the ramification of his actions, and someone that only thinks about himself.  To this day he has never acknowledged any wrongdoing, and continues to lie to people saying that I moved out to be closer to my job and that we are still friends. He created a lie and he believes in it.  I refuse to participate in that lie anymore.

He hasn’t replied to my text and I don’t expect or want a reply.  I said what I had to say and I don’t want to hear or talk about him anymore.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” 
― Maya Angelou

This anger allowed me to see things clearer.  It allowed me to look around and realize that I was still keeping him around in things.  So I burned the letter that he sent me, which, when I received it,  had made me happy and had felt like a good closure.  I burned some proof I had of his cheating – I know he cheated I don’t need to proof to anybody.  I deleted all the emails and the pictures.  I don’t know why I was keeping those things around, but it feels awesome to have those things gone.  I could have just thrown those things away, but there is nothing like burning them with white sage incense. It felt like a ritual of getting rid of the past and cleansing the path for the future.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” 
― Malcolm X

So, I am hoping this is the last chapter on the Ex story, but even as I write this I think of a never ending bad Halloween movie.

***

On a separate note, I went to my first Kabbalah class last night.  I really enjoyed it because it seems to validate what I already believe in.   The teacher talked about the need to stop being reactive.  I had always saw my reactive behavior and impulsiveness as being a good thing, as a sign that I was following my heart and my instincts, but of late I had started to question that and realize that one thing had nothing to do with the other. Yesterday it felt like a validation of my thoughts.

Perhaps I am already brainwashed :), but it appeared that the teacher was talking directly to me.  Everything fit me to a T, specially when it came to relationships.

I am eager to learn more and perhaps share things that I find useful.

***

I am going on a date tonight!!! After a long time with no dates I am meeting a handsome, smart and funny Englishman tonight.  We have spoken on the phone a few times but had not met before because of how busy I had been with my Mom and because of his travels.

Do I think he is the one?  Well, I don’t accept an invitation unless I see potential.  I don’t want to waste anybody’s time or my own.  I am choosing not to have huge expectations.  All I expect is a fun time with a potential friend.

I am excited about being out at a social setting, having a drink and flirting my ass off!!  Did I mention that he appears to have very kissable lips?  Well I don’t normally go kissing anyone on the first date, but it has been a long time and my lips have been lonely! Oh and his accent is both sexy and powerful… I am thinking I should have only one drink …

“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits. (January 11)” 
― Sarah Ban Breathnach

I will continue dreaming…

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” 
― Albert Einstein

In the darkness of my room, in the safety and comfort of my bed, right before I am about to fall asleep, thoughts occupy my mind…All kinds of thought and memories.  Often good thoughts, sometimes thoughts of Ex and the way we were (which I have been good at keeping those at bay), but most often what is on my mind are dreams and plans of an awesome tomorrow.  At that very moment every night the world is full of promise and the possibilities are endless.  At that very moment I could conquer the world.   I often think about some special someone I may be talking to online or on the phone, and all its promise of a future together.

Finding a partner and starting a family is a recurring dream.   When I say starting a family it doesn’t mean having kids.  Even though the idea of kids are amazing; at this point is no longer feasible.  So it will probably be a family of two adults acting like kids, and perhaps a few dogs.

“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.” 
― Gloria Steinem

But last night a dark thought entered my mind.  It interrupted my day-dreaming, it got me scared.  The following words came into my mind: it isn’t all a bit too late?

That thought woke me right up!  Since when did I let facts and reality interrupt my awesome illusory life?  Am I turning into a realist? Or worst yet, a pessimist?   I love being a dreamer, an optimistic.  I love thinking that the world is amazing and life is beautiful.  I go out of my way to focus on the good only.

The next thought was: Should I give up?  Give up on the idea of finding a partner?  I thought I would never say this, but I am thinking that perhaps it is just too late.  Too late, way too late to find a husband and start a life together.  Yes, I said it!  I want a husband! I want the commitment, the partnership, the idea of romance, fairy-tale, forever. And yes I also said that perhaps I decided to want that a bit too late in life. In my teens, twenties, thirties, I never wanted the wedding, the marriage, the fairy-tale.  I pushed it all aside and focused on surviving, and thriving in all other areas of my life.

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming – well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” 
― Amy Tan

My single life is awesome and I adore all I have, and having the right partner would add to it.  But I am also aware of the potential of encountering the wrong person and all of a sudden realizing that I was better off alone.

Do I continue to live an illusion or do I wake up and wise up?  Is it harmful to live in la-la-land?

“Dreams, if they’re any good, are always a little bit crazy. ” 
― Ray Charles

I guess those thoughts came to me because of being excited about someone I am getting to know online.  He seems full of potential, and at times too good to be true.  We have not met yet as I want to dedicate my free time now to my visiting mother and decided to meet him after she leaves in about 2 weeks.

As I navigate the online dating waters, I alternate between hopeful and cynical.  Somebody contacts me and it seems really promising, I get excited and the next instant he totally disappoints me.  Perhaps this time I am trying to protect myself about being too hopeful.

With all that being said I rather spend my days and nights in the illusion of the infinite world of possibilities.  I rather continue to think that my dreams will come true and work towards that.  I rather think that perhaps next time I turn a corner I may bump into Price Charming.  I rather bask in the rays of oblivion, than to live in a world where “I missed the boat” because I dared to go at my own pace and do things my way and on my time.

“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.” 
― Victor Hugo

I have noticed that people are often too afraid.  They are afraid of trying, of taking a chance.  Afraid of putting themselves out there and looking desperate.  People are afraid of failing and therefore they give up on trying.   They are afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of taking a chance on love. Afraid of looking foolish.

I am not saying everyone should have a partner.  What I am saying is that I want one and I am not afraid of appearing desperate and foolish.  I will not give up on that idea at the present moment.  What I am saying is that people should not be afraid of taking a chance on what they want, be it a boyfriend, a new job, a singing career, a single life.  Whatever it is that you dream with/about go ahead and take steps to make it a reality.

The harder something is to achieve the better it will taste when you finally get it.  There is nothing better than reaping the rewards of hard work, of taking a chance and making it.

“Nothing happens unless first a dream.” 
― Carl Sandburg

If you are satisfied with single life, stay single! I am not there…yet, perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and think single is the way to go, until then there is online dating.  Until then I will distract myself dreaming of the possibilities.

I want someone like me.  I want the fearless!  I want the one that keeps falling flat on his face and keeps going. I want the one that keeps going after what he wants against all odds.

And with that I am telling the dark pessimistic thoughts to go bother somebody else. I am not an easy prey! I look great with my rose colored glasses on! I got dreams to make into reality and goals to achieve. I don’t have time for negativity and darkness!

Always a dreamer and proud of it!!

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” 
― John Lennon

Ohio and New York are friends!

13 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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e-Harmony is becoming a great place for me to make friends.  I haven’t had too many dates, but the ones that I had have all been great guys, but – there is always a but – no chemistry.

“Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle.” 
― Paulo Coelho

My last date was a 4-day date.  He lives in Ohio and came for a long weekend starting on Thursday. Even before the date I knew this was not going to be romance and just friendship.  I think he knew that too. But still we wanted to meet because we seemed to speak the same language regarding a lot of subjects. I am interested in meeting smart people, not necessarily just a potential mate.  I am interested in learning from people.

It was a great weekend!  It started with watching some tennis and having dinner at the US Open on Thursday night.

On Friday I took the day off and showed him my town.  We had breakfast at my apartment, ran errands and walked to the park and beach.  Then an early dinner at a local Indian restaurant followed by a train ride to the city for a Broadway show.  We saw Motown and it was awesome!

Saturday during the day we went to Central Park and had lunch at Plataforma – Brazilian Rodizio.  We were going to MOMA but we wanted to see the men’s semi final match so we went to a Pub to watch the match instead.   After that we took the train back home.  We got to my apartment too exhausted to do anything else other than watch TV: College Football (not my first choice but I am a gracious host. I even made awesome popcorn!)

On Sunday we met up at his hotel and had breakfast at a nearby diner and then I drove him to the airport.  I was exhausted from the weekend and considered it a success since I had fun and made a friend in the process.  In person he wasn’t as smart and interesting, but still we had great conversations.

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

There is one thing annoying me now.  On Monday he sent me a text saying that he wanted to keep our relationship just on a friendship level.  I was shocked! What? Why did he need to send this text?  What in my behavior made it seem that I wanted anything other than friendship?

Even before he came we had already talked about the fact that we both felt we could be awesome friends and were not sure about romance. Upon meeting for the first time there was no fireworks or even a spark of chemistry, at that moment I knew there was not a chance of romance here.  Throughout the weekend there was no attempt at hand holding or any physical contact, there was no flirting or any conversation that had any tone of romance.  And to me it was perfectly fine since I didn’t want to have to turn him down.

Did he think I entertained any romantic ideas about him?  What gave him that impression?  I was a gracious host and went out of my way to make sure he had a nice time, but I am Brazilian and that is what we do when we have a visitor, any visitor.  You come to my house you will get the VIP treatment.

Why the need to say anything? I am curious and yet have learned that I don’t need to know everything.  So I will not ask him why he thought he needed to clarify something that I thought was more than clear.

I just replied: It is great when everyone is in agreement!

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” 
― Rita Rudner

I am not disappointed with e-Harmony. This time around I am okay with it.  I guess it has to do with expectations.  I am not in it to find the One, I am there mostly as distraction and to meet people.  If I find the One in the process it will be wonderful, but if I don’t it is okay too.  I like the idea of putting myself out there and meeting different people. I have met men that I would not have met otherwise.  While learning about them I realized I learned even more about myself. Just wonderful!

Since I am my biggest fan, I applaud my resilience, my willingness to get out there and try.  I love how thick skinned I have gotten.  One thing I am realizing is that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have my freedom and independence.  I can do whatever I want, whenever I want!

It is not about finding a partner anymore.  It is about enjoying this very moment!

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” 
― Walt Whitman

Who is the new Mosaic Artisan in town? me! me! me!

09 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts

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“For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.”  ― Aristotle

I continue to experiment with mosaics.  It has been a very rewarding experience.  I am beginning to think that there is perhaps some creativity within me.   I am also trying to learn discipline and patience.  “Trying” being the key word, as I still struggle with being in the present moment and enjoying the process instead of just wanting to get the job done.

I have been using a variety of materials I find around the house, at the dollar store and at the craft store.  I think that is one of the beauties of mosaic, you can use anything and make it work.

“‎Determination, effort, and practice are rewarded with success.”            ― Mary Lydon Simonsen

I decided to make frames for my family member’s to surprise them with on my next trip to Brazil.  Well it is not much of a surprise because I have already told them what I was up to.  🙂

And here they are for your viewing pleasure.  Please keep in mind that I still have to clean some of the grout from around and on top of some tiles.  I am giving my sore fingers a break from this detailed job for now.

This one I made for my Mom.  I made it from stones and buttons.   She collects owls and if you look closely you will see tiny owls on the side and at the top.

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This one I made for my dad.  He adores animals, specially dogs.  There are 14 different types of dogs on it.  Also made with buttons.

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This one I made for my brother.  He is a spots fan so I was happy to have found those buttons in the shape of different balls.  It is made from tessarae (ceramic tiles).

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This last one, but not least,  I made for my sister.  It is made with glass tiles and other buttons and silver plaques.  She is a teacher so I have some school related decorations (pencils, ruler, etc).  On the 6 silver little plaques at the top are the following words: Faith, Believe, Love, Hope, Destiny and Play.

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This last one, but not least,  I made for my sister.  It is made with glass tiles and other buttons and silver plaques.  She is a teacher so I have some school related decorations (pencils, ruler, etc).  On the 6 silver little plaques at the top are the following words: Faith, Believe, Love, Hope, Destiny and Play.

They look much better in person,  but they still look like a child’s school project,  but I am so proud of getting them done.  I look forward to making more and improving, improving, improving.

“Practice makes the master.” 
― Patrick Rothfuss

My first day at the Nursing Home!

07 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” 
― Kahlil Gibran

As I pull out of the parking lot of the nursing home I feel tears welling up in my eyes.  I am trying to process the past 2 and a half hours.

I let the tears flow uninterrupted.  It is hard to describe the multitude of feelings that are all fighting for first place.  I am sad, happy, overwhelmed, calm, powerless, mighty, unsettled, determined, humbled, proud and the list goes on and on.  Last night was a defining moment for me.

It was my first night volunteering at the at the nursing home.  I have been searching for volunteering opportunities for a long time.  I volunteered in Breezy Point  in the aftermath of the Hurricane and I loved it, but I also overdid with the manual labor  and had to stop because of my hip injury.  I was so down about that. So I was happy to finally find a place that wanted me.

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” 
― Winston Churchill

Still in all my happiness to start volunteering, as the day was coming near I was growing more and more apprehensive.  I was making so many excuses in my mind on how this was a dumb idea and all the many different ways I could better spend my Monday night.  I had twinges of regret of having committed myself to this.  But making an excuse and not going was not an option.

I got there and was paired up with D.   D. works there as a therapist and the last 2 hours of her shift she spends visiting the residents.  I am so happy to report that this person embodies what a person that works in a nursing home should be like.  She is kind, calm, smiley and eager.  She exudes goodness.

She really didn’t know what job to give me as the person in charge of Volunteers is on vacation this week and had not left any instructions.  So I just tagged along  as she made her visits.  I love how respectful of their space she was, always asking for permission before entering their rooms, which is something,  that I have to be honest about it,  I would not have thought to do.

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” 
― Mother Teresa

We went into probably 10 different rooms and met perhaps another 10 people in the halls.  Since I always focus on results, I am already doing the math and realizing that I need to come in more often to be able to see more people.   Sometimes I forget the middle, the during, the journey.   I forget the real reason some job is performed, not everything is about a final result.  The point is not to see as many people as possible, but to make sure that whoever I see and whatever amount of time I have with them is a special time for them.

Something miraculously happened within the first 30 minutes.  I gotta out of my own head and focused on each moment and made each person the center of my world for that moment.

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.” 
― Steve Maraboli

At the end of the evening I realized I was born for this. Even though there is sadness in their disabilities and limitations, I like to think that I saw happiness too.  I saw fighters and warriors and I believe I a light that made them shine.  I made them smile and even if in an effort to make a joke I said the wrong thing I know they felt that my words were coming from a good place within in my being, from my heart.

My control freak side tried to make an appearance as this extreme fear of becoming old and dependent as everyone I met last night were. But why dwell on what I cannot control? It doesn’t matter rich or poor, beautiful or ugly, fat or thin, at some point our bodies and minds will start to go and no amount of fighting will be able to turn that around. 

“For it is in giving that we receive.” 
― St. Francis of Assisi

Please don’t think I am this great good-hearted  person.  Last night I gained much more than I gave.  I gained appreciation for my blessed life. I gained a different insight on the value of maintaining a healthy mind and body.   I gained love and acceptance from people that had never met me before.  Gosh, am I making volunteering all about me or am looking for lessons and opportunities in everything?   Is it all about what I can get out of it, or perhaps I am just exploring the extra benefits of extending a hand?  You be the judge.

I already have my mind made up that visiting the residents is what I want to do.  I had mentioned to the director that I was willing to take any job and help with office work, etc, but I think my time will be best used talking and sitting with the residents.  I am going to ask for a list of the residents that never have any visitors.  I want to bring them, in one word, Hope!  I want, not say, but demonstrate, that at least one person cares!

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” 
― Charles Dickens

A quick update on previous posts

31 Wednesday Jul 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts

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Life happens and then all of a sudden I realize that I have not posted anything in one week.  I don’t want you guys to forget about me and find another blog to read, plus I miss all the terrific comments.  I have learned and grown so much from my post and the responses to it! 🙂

What has been happening is work has gotten really busy and after I goofed on a couple of things I am making sure that I am dedicating my time at work to work (what a crazy idea! lol).  I also have stepped up my hip exercises, and have been working more on my mosaics.  But all of that is no excuse not to make time to something I love: blogging!

So here are updates relating to previous posts:

“Magic trick: to make people disappear, ask them to fulfill their promises.“
Mason Cooley 

 
On The disappearing Act  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/06/26/the-disappearing-act/

Since I could not let bygones be bygones I went straight to the point and asked Mr. Disappearing what happened.  He said that he is having medical and care issues with his mother, and he also added and I quote: “I felt you are still not over your last boyfriend. Dragging things and hopping maybe is going to turn better is not something i want to experience at this time..”

Fair enough!  Perhaps I should have not spend hours talking about Ex on that last date lol  oh well, I kinda knew the reason why he disappeared, but it is good to have a confirmation and not wonder anymore.

on the hip pain https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/my-hips-dont-lie-neither-does-my-back/

I continue to do physical therapy,  now once a week instead of twice.  It has gotten a lot better, but I am still not 100%.  What plagues my mind is the question: Will I ever be 100%?  I try to be positive and I know the reality that the answer to that question depends solely on me.  So I am doing my part!  I am following my exercises and stretches to a T.  I have also started using my elliptical machine again.  My aim is 30 minutes, but for now it is until my hip starts hurting which is after 15/20 minutes.  After the exercises and stretches, I am making sure I use a foam roller and I apply ice.

Slow and steady! Slow and steady!

Volunteering – https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/first-step-in-volunteering-and-going-back-to-dance/

Finally I am all set to start volunteering.  After, what I felt, it was a lot of red tape, I will start volunteering at a the Dementia/Alzheimer Unit in a nursing home starting this coming Monday.  I will do one evening a week and see how it goes.  On Friday I went for an orientation, then and now I am am experiencing a multitude of feelings, anxiety, excitement and nervousness about it.  I guess it is only normal to feel apprehensive about something new.  We shall see how it will go!

Milton https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com//?s=milton&search=Go

I continue to stop and chat with Milton.   This past weekend he said he took the subway to the Bronx and played cards with friends.  He won $27 dollars.  He said I brought him luck.  I am glad to see that he has friends he associates with.  Last week he wanted to get me a pink watch similar to the one he has.  I declined and said I have enough watches, which is true.  I am not sure what he meant by get.

****

The next 2 post will be update on Ex and Mosaics.  Ex’s absence in my life has played a huge role on where I am today.  I am getting more and more into my mosaics.  They still look like a child’s school project but I am so proud of them. Stay tuned…

Welcome to my pity party and please bring ICE

04 Thursday Jul 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Thank you for joining me in my pity party.  I think this is my first official one, so please allow me to fully enjoy this moment and don’t hold it against me.

I hate when a holiday sneaks up on me likes this 4th of July did.  All of a sudden I find myself alone and with nothing planned.   It feels like the entire world has plans and people to plan it with, except me.

Of course I know better, and know that I am not in this boat alone, but no one can argue with feelings and that is how I am feeling right now.

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need                     to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.” ― Douglas Coupland

I wish I had planned to go away, a mini adventure of sorts or anything, even what I used to do in the past on lonely weekends: go to the casino.  With free room, entertainment, and enough points for a spa treatment that always made me happy.  But I haven’t done that in so long that it didn’t even cross my mind until now.

A friend invited me to her house last minute.  I don’t like last minute invitations.  I prefer to plan things in advance. yep, lonely, sad and picky!

“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that                I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.” ― Charlotte Brontë

While I am at it, I just realized that I am in need of new ICE.  Not the stuff found in the freezer or in the cosmopolitan that I very proudly just made myself for the first time.  I was going to have juice from my new juicer, but since this is a party I figure alcohol is in order.  Anyway, the ICE that I mean is the In Case of Emergency.

I realized today, yep only today, that I need to change my ICE on my phone.  My Ex is still listed under ICE on my phone.    Why didn’t I change it before? Was I hoping that eventually he would become my ICE again?  or perhaps it was avoidance, not really wanting to face the fact that he is no longer my rock.

“We live as we dream–alone….” 
― Joseph Conrad

But who should be my ICE?  My next of kin is 4,800 miles away.  I doubt that would be helpful in an emergency.

The realization that I cannot come up with someone to be my ICE person makes me feel even more lonely.  More than lonely, actually, it makes me feel alone in the world.  Yes,I know I am being a drama queen, but it is my party, so allow me to do and feel as I please.  I have friends, great friends, but ICE should be that person(s) that would drop everything to be by my side and I am not sure any of my friends would do that and I would not expect them to either. Perhaps I should expect more from my friends.

Why am I allowing myself to feel this sorry for myself now all of a sudden?  I have been living away from my family (or any relative) for the past 28 years.  I never had too many friends.  I have not always had a boyfriend.  I am now supposed to be older and stronger, not older and weaker.  It is an uncomfortable feeling.

At the same time acknowledging my feelings, even if I am not proud of them, feels important and necessary at this point in my life. I was always the one that never complained or felt sad or sorry for myself.  Allowing myself to fully feel all feelings and not sweep them under the rug is liberating.   Discovering what is really behind some of my actions will probably be what will take me to the next step in healing from this never ending broken heart.  Why am I so intent in finding a partner?  Is it just so I have someone to go away with on holidays?  Realizing that I am not missing Ex, just missing someone is another huge step.  It makes me see the necessity of stopping and taking a deep breath in my quest for a partner. There is a real danger of going into a new relationship for the wrong reason.

I really miss having that one person that you want to call with good or bad news.  I miss being safe with someone. I am tired of being the grown up, responsible, in charge of myself.  It was so much better when, even if it was for a brief moment, that I felt taken care of, cared for, safe.

When I had a flat tire awhile back, I remember thinking to myself that money is a single girl’s best friend.  Money gives you options and also rescues you.  I like the phrase: “Throw money at the problem!”  It has been true to me.  but money doesn’t keep you warm at night, well it can …but we will not go into that.

Whenever I complete forms, mostly medical forms, asking for a contact in case of emergency I have been putting down this person that is always happy to help anyone.  But lately she has been so overburdened with her own family issues that she has not time to spare and I have started to feel bad writing her name down in the case that she really needs to be contacted.  I feel like saying no one, I can only count on myself, but how pathetic is that?

But at the end of this party, I have to say that I really know how truly blessed and lucky I am.  Being alone has its own share of blessings and opportunities.  I am able to do whatever I want, when I want, no need to explain or tell anybody anything. No family constraints or obligations.  I can explore and have as many dates I want with as many men I want.  I can really choose the right one, or perhaps realize that the right thing is to be alone.

This is the time I should be using to do all the things I love and get back to travelling alone like I always did. There is a whole world out there waiting to be explored.  There are tons of things for me to do, to learn, to share, so to spend time feeling sorry for myself is a waste of precious time that I can never get it back.

So this pity party is now officially over.  Thank you for coming and allowing me wallow in pity for this brief moment in time.  Until next holiday!

The disappearing Act

26 Wednesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I haven’t had too many relationships.  2 major ones to be exact.  I had one relationship for 20 years that ended amicably (it is crazy, but we care for each like brother and sister now).  Then there is Ex, the 3 year relationship that devastated me.  Between those two there was some dating but not a lot, so I don’t consider myself knowledgeable in that area.  All of a sudden at 47 I am a teenager in the dating word, unsure of how to navigate all the unspoken rules.

“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and
try again in a different way.” 
― Dale Carnegie

I hear horror stories about online dating, so I think I have been luckier than most.  The guys I have been meeting have been nice guys, but normally it doesn’t go more than 1 date due to no interest on my part.

Then I met Dan (name changed to protect the guilty).   He had almost everything.  I say almost because he didn’t make me go weak in the knees.  He took me to great restaurants. There was no lack of interesting conversation.   He was such a gentleman and he was not pushy for anything physical.  I had explained that I needed things to go very slow and he said he understood and it was not a problem.  He is the one that, coincidentally, has a showroom just 3 blocks from my office (how perfect I thought!).  The potential for a happy life seemed incredible.  He made me feel special.  I thought to myself: Here is a man that gets me and wants to make me the center of his world. I want that!

“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.” 
― Wm. Paul Young

But still after 6 dates I was not feeling it in my heart but I was thinking that perhaps this is where I should let my mind do the talking. I wrote about this mind heart conflict here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/05/27/my-heart-wants-fireworks/

Dan seemed to do all the right things.  I felt special, and was starting to think “maybe”. I was ignoring my heart and letting my mind rule.

Then there was silence:  Dan disappeared!

This happened a couple of weeks ago.  He had texted me, as he normally did asking if I was around on the weekend and I had said yes.  This was a Thursday morning so I expected to hear from him that night to make plans for the weekend.    When Sunday came around and I hadn’t heard from him I was worried that something had happened to him so I texted him.   He texted me back on Monday and I quote: “Sorry for the lateness in replying, I needed some time to sort things out.”

Not knowing what that meant exactly I just replied wishing him luck on sorting things out.

After speaking to my sister about this, she said that perhaps there was something going on with his mom.  He had mentioned that perhaps his mother would have to move in with the brother because it was becoming difficult for her to be alone.  It never crossed my mind that perhaps there was something was wrong with her.   So to have a clear conscience I reached out to him again and said that I was here if he needed to talk and that I hoped that all was okay with his Mother.  I got no reply.

2 weeks go by and I am still confused and shocked by his silence.  Was he just going to disappear and never say a word if I had never had texted him that Sunday?  Is this normal behavior?

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was still thinking about him and his actions (or lack of it) for 2 reasons.  First I wonder if he really has some big problem going on in his life and second because he had bought tickets to take me to a show of a Brazilian singer tonight (June 26).  Was he going to all of a sudden appear to go to the concert? I was already mentally trying to decide, do I go or just say no?

So the day before yesterday the curious Aries in me couldn’t take it anymore so I texted him and asked how were things.  It took him a day to reply and he said: “ thank you for thinking of him and I am sorry I am not in a good place to communicate”.

Hum? What in the world does that mean?

I just hate stuff like that.  What is the problem with the truth?  I think I am owed that.  Why the mystery?

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I just replied wishing him luck and saying I was only worried because I didn’t take him for a man that would just disappear.

At any rate I am still curious to know what exactly happened but not curious enough to show up at his office and demand an explanation.

This, I think, serves as a validation that my heart knew better.  I should have known better than to let my mind start talking me into liking someone when my heart wasn’t in it.  I thank the Universe for giving me an answer to this conflict between my heart and my mind.

When things like this happen I think I should get on my knees and thank heavens  that my heart came out unscathed.  As stupid as it may sound, I feel stronger for it and I feel even closer to finding the One.  It does feel good eliminating the wrong ones (wrong for me) and leaving space for the right one.

… or perhaps I should just buy a safe for my heart and keep it in there and not chance it getting hurt again, this came too close for comfort.

“Hearts are breakable,” Isabelle said. “And I think even when you heal, you’re never what you were before”.” 
― Cassandra Clare

But I am still curious if this is a normal thing, to have great dates and then never hear from the person again?  oh well, the joys of the dating world!

I guess the grieving process is not over :(

23 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” 
― Cassandra Clare

I was talking to my sister the other day when she said that I was different after the break up with Ex.   I asked: Different how?  She said: Angrier!

I was shocked! I never expected that answer!  If anything I thought she would have said happier or more at peace, anything along those lines.  But angrier???

At first I was speechless.  For several seconds my mind went numb and I didn’t know what to think, then for another brief second, thoughts of asking for examples of such behavior came to mind.

When I actually recovered my ability to speak I went into defensive mode explaining how what had happened to me would change anyone.  I felt the need to explain how my disappointment was so intense and painful that my only defense was to change.  No more Miss Nice Girl! Of course she didn’t need to hear any of the excuses for my change, as you guys don’t need to hear all of the details on how hurt I was, as you have heard all of that before.

But, was I really angrier?  Any traumatizing event is certain to leave a mark.  This was the most traumatizing event of my life.  No, I have not lived a sheltered life.  I left Brazil at 17 with no English and no money.  I certainly had to grow up fast and had my share of bad times.  But even with everything that I have lived through in my life, with my father battling cancer and coming up triumphant as an example of a terribly difficult time, this break up was an event that I thought it would kill me.

I didn’t need to ask my sister for examples.  I knew she was right.

The aftershocks of this break up are still ongoing.  I had certainly hoped that all my changes would be for the better.  I never thought I would lash out and be angry towards the ones I love the most.  I thought the break up had proved my ability to forgive and to continue to love above all things.  I thought if anything I had became more forgiving of human imperfections.  I forgave Ex and understood the need to look inside myself and take some ownership of my role in the relationship.  I thought I had dealt with things and had moved on. 

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” 
― Marcel Proust

But indeed I am angry!  I am angry at the Universe for showing me true love and then taking it away.  Why must you send me a man that treats me like a Princess for 3 years and then have that fairy tale just fall apart?  Why make me think that I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life and then make the rest of my life last only 3 years.  What now?  I don’t know who I am now.  How to fix a crystal vase?  You can’t!  You can try, but the imperfections are visible.  Those are all questions that I thought had already been put to rest and then all of a sudden they come to the surface again.

I am more impatient.  I want things done yesterday.  I am tougher on people closer to me.  I expect more, I expect people to proof themselves.  I thought I was just being an Aries, but instead was more than that, I am still dealing with hurt.

I am extremely tough on dates.  They have their work cut out for them.  It will not be easy getting into my heart anymore.  I guess I am being difficult with everyone to keep them away from me.  Perhaps my anger is my bullet proof vest .

It all gets back to Ex.  Why is that, 2 years after he still feel as fresh in my life as if it was yesterday?  No, I am not in love with him anymore, but I have come to the realization that I will love him forever.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

Ex is a scar in my body and my life and it is up to me to decide how I want to display that scar. Hide it as a shameful secret? Show it off as a badge of honor? Ignore it as a non-event? Or come to love it and accept as a natural life occurence?

I have instances when I want to talk to him and demand an apology.  In my mind, if I heard him accepting his mistakes and apologizing for them, then it would be okay for me to be friends with him.  I want to be okay to talk to him, but without an apology it feels too much like I am disrespecting myself.  We trade texts once in a blue moon on superficial matters.  At those times I catch myself caring about him and thinking of him as a friend.  I see myself wanting to share news with him.   When I catch myself I am terrified!  I quickly make a mental effort to remember all the lies and betrayals.  We are not friends, and can never be!  We share a past and that is it!  I am so afraid to let him back in my life!

Why is it so easy for me to be angry at others and yet to be angry at him it takes effort?

When I think I am over it all, that I am a better person for it, I realize I am an angrier person for it.  Back to the drawing board!! Back to trying to figure things out!  Back to trying to be whole again, and not just damaged goods!

I am so confused, and I am diving my heart crazy!  One second I tell it to just love!  Love all things, love the ones who love you, but above all, love the ones that hurt you even more.  And then I feel the need to remind it of what happens when you love, how vulnerable you become, and how you become a prey.

Yet I know better than to become this old angry woman!  I thank my sister for making me realize that I had made a wrong turn on the road to recovery.  I promise to be more watchful of my words and actions.  Hurting anyone with angry words is not what I wanted or intended.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…” 
― Nicholas Sparks

I will continue to tell my heart to love above all things! But it is also okay to be a little guarded.  Navigating that fine line will be key!

This is a post that I never saw it coming, but it is here and now I have to deal with it!  I feel somewhat embarrassed for such a post, for such weakness, for all of a sudden feeling less of a poster girl in dealing with a breakup, for such unawareness about myself.   But what am I dealing with it here?  The true definition of love and forgiveness?  The different ways in which pain manifests itself? Just another stage in the grieving process?  Surviving the loss of love?  How I see myself versus how the word sees me? Inability to let go of the past? Lies we tell ourselves?

Final thought: Just love, love, love and when in doubt, love some more!

Stop fooling around and get in bed!!

16 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.” 
― Edgar Allan Poe

There is this strange phenomenon that happens in my apartment every night at around 10/11pm: I start telling myself I should be getting into the shower and getting myself ready to bed; and at the same time I start coming up with many things to do before getting to bed.

It took me awhile to realize I am practicing avoidance.  I am avoiding going to bed. I start watching some show, reading a book, playing a game, paying bills, organizing my purse, making lists of things to do, etc, anything that keeps me from getting to bed.

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

Even when going out in the evening and coming in late, many people go straight to bed barely managing to take off the make up or brushing their teeth. No me!  I have to watch some tv or read or play a card game on the computer to unwind.  And then there is the shower, make up to remove, teeth to be brushed, and on and on and on.

Once I am able to talk myself into getting into the shower to get ready to bed, it will take me at least another 30 minutes to get into bed.  It takes me longer to get ready for bed than to get ready to work in the morning.

I think I would be a great subject for a psychiatrist.  Why do I avoid getting in bed?  Once I am in bed I fall sleep right away (which is very different from a year ago when I couldn’t sleep a whole night.  Thank God,  melatonin eventually helped that)

WHY AM I DOING THAT?

1. Do I still miss Ex in my bed and that is why I don’t want to get into an empty bed? Perhaps… but I don’t really think I miss him anymore.  I miss a warm body next to me, somewhere to lay my head and feel safe.

2. Do I think that I will be missing something? Since I live alone there are no housemates to be throwing a party while I am asleep.

3.  Do I feel my day was not productive enough and I am trying to fit a few more things in? Very possible.  I get home from work full of ideas, by the time 10pm rolls around I realize I have not accomplished all I intended to do.  I really dislike the feeling of leaving things unfinished.

4. Do I hate myself and am I punishing myself by depriving myself of sleep?

5.  Do I just lose track of time and there is no really big secret or big explanation about it?

By the time I am finally getting into bed I am not very pleased with myself and I am full of promises to go to bed at a reasonable time the following evening.  And the next evening I am singing the same tune again.

Why am I sabotaging my health? I know how important sleep is!  Then why?

Perhaps is the ADD or ADHD showing one of its many faces. Could this be a symptom?  Since I touched about it in this post: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/07/01/why-run/ I really didn’t do anything about it.

I am not sure what you will take for me to get to bed on time.  Realizing I have a problem and need to change is the first step.  So you all are witnessing my taking the first step! Now what?