Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

My heart wants fireworks!

27 Monday May 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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If you know me you know I follow my heart in all areas of my life.  I have done things that people thought were crazy but they always turned out to be the correct decision for me.  I blindly allow my heart to lead and I am proud of it.  I think it takes courage to let your heart lead, but to me it is not only a matter of being courageous it a matter of not knowing how to be any other way.

I have always believed that all the answers are already within me and if I look hard enough and allow my heart to have a voice all will be revealed and I will always be on the right path.

Then I met Ex and jumped head first on that relationship that I thought would be forever, instead it turned out to have an expiration date.

I often look back at that experience.  It has been extremely hard to let the past in the past, even though I can happily say I know I am over him.  Did my heart lead me wrong? No, never! There were lessons there to be learned.

I often look back because I believe every single experience in our lives teaches us lessons.  The harder the experience the more meaningful the lesson.  I often look back to make sure I haven’t missed a lesson.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately and looking back is part of it.   I analyze the past not to change the past, but to change my future.  To make sure that I am being smart and not making the same mistake over and over again.

People normally have to be told to stop thinking so much and follow their hearts.  I  probably could use the opposite advice: Stop following your heart and think a little!

I have started questioning my allowing my heart to rule my life, specially my love life.  Do I do that so that I can blame my heart and never take full responsibility for my actions?

Would I have done things differently if I had allowed my mind to have any say? Who knows? Perhaps I would not even have started the relationship with EX to begin with.

Now I am on e-harmony for the second time around and this time I am meeting a lot people.  Some dates have been very nice, there is one person in particular that stands out in his effort to try to win me over, but there are no fireworks or sparks.

Should I follow my heart and just say: Next! Or should I give this nice guy a chance to make me fall for him (assuming that is something that it can happen)

Can it happen?  Can I wake up some day madly in  love with someone that just yesterday I thought was just very nice?  Should I even give someone a second date if there was no chemistry on the first?

Should I continue to be all heart or should I allow my mind to have a say in matters of the heart?

I have always thought that is either there or not there, that spark, that thing I cannot explain, the butterflies in my stomach.

Honestly I don’t think I will ever have what I had with Ex. Should I stop looking for Prince Charming and settle for someone that cares about me and wants to make happy?  After all, Prince Charming already came and left for other skirts, I mean, greener pastures.

Perhaps there is no right answer…no, what am I saying? of course there is a right answer, let me go ask my heart! 🙂

Feeling broken…

21 Tuesday May 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I have to live as I preach and that means being positive and not allowing anything to bring me down. But lately is has been extremely tough to be upbeat.  I am guessing that is where the virtue lies, to be upbeat when times are difficult! To be upbeat and positive when everything is going well is easy, anyone can do it.

For somebody that never gets sick, this is a whole uncharted territory.  I am going through a terrible rough patch.   This is how I choose to look at it, just a patch that soon will be cleared.  As you know, if you follow me, I have been slowly letting go all of my physical activities because of hip pain.

It has now been months without Zumba, Yoga and Pilates.  The so anticipated spring tennis lessons will have to, hopefully, be summer lessons.   The effects of all this inactivity are starting to show;  I have no energy, I am moody and my clothes are too tight! 😦

I guess the consolation is that what I have is easily fixed.  The doctor promises that with 2 months of physical therapy I will be whole again, well at least functional again.  It is somewhat silly to be such a crying baby when others face so many other more critical problems, but this is severely limiting my life therefore I am allowing myself to be a cry baby today.

I am not sure if I should believe the doctor’s promise or not.  He also said that the cortisone shot right on the hip would take away the pain and inflammation, but unfortunately since the day of the shot I have been feeling progressively worse.

Physical therapy finally starts tonight – yippie!!  I know physical therapy is not a miracle cure and it will take time and effort, but it is just another right step on the road to recovery.

But in the meantime, my body feels broken and disconnected.  I feel broken and disconnected.  Is this what the future holds?  My eye sight is gone, my hip and back want to follow suit.  What other body parts will decide to go?

But then, right when I am feeling my 47 years of age weighing heavily on me I read of another octogenarian or nonagenarian ski diving or doing some other crazy adventure.  Not only that, I don’t have to look far, my 78 yr old mother is a non-stop dynamo.

I realize that growing old has some issues, but it doesn’t have to be the end of good, healthy, active life.  Growing old, like everything else in life, will be what I make it to be.  Growing old well will be the results of the choices I make today.  So it is all up to me!  I am the master of my destiny!

And since it is up to me, I am going to ignore this rough patch and use it as a time for internal growth and contemplation.  So, my body has to take it easy for awhile and regain strength, but my mind doesn’t have to go dormant, my mind has all the energy that it needs and more.

So here’s to more French and Mosaic while I get ready for Tennis and Zumba!

MY HIPS DON’T LIE! Neither does my back!

02 Thursday May 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I had 2 MRIs done and the conclusion of one doctor is that I have mild degeneration of disks L4 and L5 in my lower back and that the problem with my hip is Iliotibial Band Syndrome.  Upon some Google research I became confused with the IBS diagnosis as that is mostly an injury to the knee, very common in runners.  It appears that what I really have is Trochanteric Bursities.  I guess they are related or perhaps easily confused.

Researching ailments online is both a blessing and a curse.  A lot information on my fingertips, but my head is spinning.  There are many conflicting opinions.  Which site should I trust?  I guess I will follow this doctor while making an appointment to get a second opinion with a specialist in back pain.

I am happy to at least have a diagnosis and start on the road to treatment and recovery.  The doctor prescribed anti-inflammatory and physical therapy.  I started the medication already,  but not the physical therapy yet.

The word degeneration is such a bad word.  It makes me feel old and brittle! Nothing about me should be degenerating, not now, not ever!

How did I get here?  Very simple, I overdid.  I am the type of person that has a problem with the word moderation, there is no middle ground with me, it is either 0 or 100.  Too much too soon!

I overdid with my volunteer work.  I didn’t respect my body limitations; I worked 10 hours a day like a horse. It felt amazing for my heart and mind, but my body paid for.

I overdid with Zumba. Instead of starting slow and building up I went full force 3-4 times a week. Okay, so I am from Brazil, I love to dance and rhythm is in my blood, but do I have to leave it all in the gym floor?

Then there were the 6 flights of stairs at work and at home that I took, 2 steps at a time, instead of the elevator.  It turns out that stair climbing is one of the worst things for my hip.

This experience, like everything else in life, is a tremendous learning opportunity.

I have to respect my body limitations.  I have had issues with my lower back for a long time.  I have to learn to deal with it, stretch it and strengthen it and not to just learn to live with pain.

Slow and steady wins the racy.  Anything that is achieved over a longer period of time seems to me to be longer lasting, such as love and weight loss.  Instant may seem very gratifying but it is oftentimes fleeting.

Another reminder to slow down and enjoy the process, the details, without only focusing on the result.  Just when I thought I was within minutes of having the body I wanted I get this major setback. But setbacks are important, it makes one refocus, and question the process. So onwards and upwards with the treatment.  No time for frustrations and crying around. Time to refocus and rebuild.

I am not 20 years old anymore, even though my heart and mind think I am! I have only one body and it is not indestructible.

What I know for sure is that I have to take care of my body the best that I can.  Another thing is I will do anything in my power not to give up tennis or skiing.

My unshakable optimism welcomes this chance to show itself! I am counting my blessings… 1) Thank you for this highly functioning body that is able to tell me when something is wrong!  2) Thank you for this chance to reevaluate my exercise and volunteering choices!  3) Thank you for having an insurance plan and access to some of the best doctors and equipment in the field!  4) Thank you for having this blog to be able to talk about it … and on and on and on, thank you, thank you, thank you!

AM I BEING OVERSENSITIVE?

01 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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AM BEING TOO SENSITIVE?

I guess if I have to ask the answer is yes.

I have this good friend that likes to ask my thoughts on various issues, specially relationship issues.  He welcomes my opinions and says that my advices are very beneficial.  On my end I am happy to always try to motivate him and have him focusing him on on positive things.

On Sunday night he initiated a series of texts regarding a couple of issues that he was having.   I did what I think I do best, I had him let go of the victim mentally and focus on all the good in his life.  At the end he asked me how I was doing: I said I was ok and mentioned that I was going to bed soon because I had to get up extra early to get 2 MRIs done.  I was a little surprised that he didn’t say anything else, not “why are you getting those done” or “good luck”.  I figured he was just letting me get to bed without interruptions.

The next day after I am back at the office after getting the test done, he replies to my text from the night before with just “ok” and then proceeds to send me 4 other texts continuing his conversation from the night before.

I know I can be an extra sensitive person, but in this case, I think I am rightfully mystified that he would go on and on about himself without not even a slight polite reference to me and what I am going through.

I think it is just plain rude and clueless.

So I just didn’t reply.  I think that silence sometimes speaks volumes!  Plus it is best that I do not say anything in anger.

But of course, I don’t hold a grudge and I will still be there for him.  This also is a good reminder for me to watch myself and see if I am not doing the same.  It should not be all about me, or you, it should be about us.   It is a give and take, with the strongest perhaps having more to give.

 

Moving on and on and on ….

14 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I should be writing about my visit to Brazil.  It was amazing as it always is, but today I have something else in my heart I want to write about.  Something in my heart that I need to do.

I have been dating, well dating implies it is going somewhere, so perhaps “seeing” is a better word, so I have been seeing a younger man for the past 8 months knowing fully well that it would not be a lasting thing. Yet I embarked on this new experience with all my heart, truth and honesty.

I knew that I was using him to replace Ex and all his memories. Using has a bad connotation, but it is the truth. It worked! I no longer miss Ex. I still have moments of missing what I had, but it is different now. There is no crying now. Ex feels like the past, and even the sadness of what could have been is gone.  It was what it was and for having lived it I am grateful.

Being with someone to replace somebody else sounds like a recipe for disaster. Am I playing with fire going out with someone thinking I wasn’t going to get emotionally attached? no doubt! Not even I believed it when I proclaimed my total control of the situation.  I get emotionally attached to my toothpaste, am I not going to get emotionally attached to someone that is kind, funny and which company I enjoy?

We both agree that this is not a serious thing and that as long as we are honest with each other things will work out. We know we are not for each other.  The age difference is not the whole problem. We are at very different stages in life and looking for different things.  But we enjoy each other’s company.

I knew the day would come when we would go our separate ways.  I am thinking that perhaps today is the day.  The day to resolve things before I get really emotionally attached.  To continue seeing him knowing it is not going anywhere has now begun to feel like a disservice to me and to what I want in my life.  And to him also. And perhaps to all my prospective dates… and his.

The timing is perfect.  I have re-joined e-harmony and have even gone on a couple of dates.  But all of a sudden finding someone it is not important anymore. I am enjoying being alone more and more. There is no hurry anymore.

I like this moment in my life, where I feel in absolute control of my feelings and life has this incredible taste of surprise.  It seems fitting to put an end to a situation that no longer fits seems fitting.

So, good bye AL!.  I am grateful for the time we have spent together.  I am grateful for the part you have played in mending my broken heart.  I am happy that we both agree that just friends is the way to go. It was amazing fun while it lasted.

I am so excited for myself, for getting stronger and stronger and for this life that keeps getting better and better!

 

Guess what?? I have changed my mind!

15 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I did what I said I would never do! I signed up for e-harmony again! (Another wonderful thing about me: I allow myself to change my mind!!)

Even when you are no longer a member at e-harmony you still get emails from them with matches that want to get to know you, so one of them peaked my interest enough to want to check it out.

I have been casually dating someone, but he and I know this relationship is not going to get anywhere.  He is a great guy, but the age difference and the different priorities in life are too much for us to overlook.   Still we enjoy going out to dinner and sharing a bottle of wine every once in awhile.

This time e-harmony has been a very different experience then last time. I am still using the same profile I had but now I am getting many more matches and more of them interested in talking to me.  So, so far quantity is good, as far as quality we shall see. I think it has to do with my being open to the experience and not just wanting to find someone to replace Ex.

I went on one date with a great guy at a great restaurant, great conversation, but no chemistry on my side.  He wants a second date, but I said no.  There was one date which was just weird (I will write about in an upcoming post).   I have canceled 2 dates after I had already agreed on them, I really knew it wouldn’t work so I didn’t want to waste their time and my perfume.  And I am exchanging emails with a few interesting guys, so to me this has been a success already. (talk about low expectations- lol)

I think everything in life is a question of timing.  I believe in Divine Timing and I know that things will happen when they are meant to happen and if they are meant to happen.  The worst that could happen to me is that I end up alone, and that,  I have to tell you, is not bad at all because I adore my own company! 🙂  But with that being said, I think having a partner is much more fun.  So, until Divine Timing happens and that amazing guy knocks on my door,  I will play Master of my own Destiny and use whatever tools I have at my disposal to look for that special someone. 

I enjoy the fact that with e-harmony I am able to meet people from all walks of life.

Please don’t understand this post as an endorsement for e-harmony or any other online dating.  I am just saying that it works for me as a distraction and it helps me feel that I am in control (there I go again with that illusion that I am in control of anything) of my dating situation.

And if you do decide on an online dating site, the key word is safety! I don’t give my phone number or address to anyone. If something feels weird I stop communication immediately.  I listen to my gut!!

The moment I think a guy warrants a second date then that will be the end of my romance with Mr. Too Young (I told him about e-harmony).  It wouldn’t be right or fair to anyone involved, and I am not one to be juggling men! Well I never tried, perhaps I could be a natural… just kidding!!!

In the meantime EX emails again persisting on letting me know he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to see him, and still professing his love for me.  He is not talking about getting back together (not that I would, I just find it hilarious that he continuous to say that he loves me deeply while with a new girlfriend in his arms.)    I no longer have the energy to try to explain it, so I just continue to say: no, thank you!

Peace!

What letter am I? Listening to that nagging feeling!

09 Saturday Feb 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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What am I?  C, H or O?

Caucasian, Hispanic or Other?  How do I classify myself today?

Due to new regulations in my industry I needed to get my fingerprints done.  When filling out the form I encountered a question that I encounter often and it stumps me every time.

Race

What am I?  Well, I am Brazilian!  But that is never one of the options to choose from.

I normally just put down whatever they tell me, if I am completing it in front of someone.

But this time when the girl at the front desk there, who happens to be Hispanic, told me to put H I hesitated, but I did it.  She then started speaking Spanish to me as if to validate the idea that I am an H.   I wrote down H and then immediately regretted.   I said I am not Hispanic because I don’t speak Spanish.   I am Latina, because I am from Latin America.  She goes: same difference.

No, Madam, not to me!  I have nothing against being Hispanic or any other race for that matter, but it is not my race.  To say I am an H would be like putting me in this little box in which I don’t fit.  So I changed that H to an O.  Because I had written in pen and couldn’t erase it, after changing it it wasn’t really clear what letter it was.  So maybe that is what really best defines me, not an H, not an O , not really any specific letter but a combination of them.

I have traces of Black and Brazilian Indian from my mother’s side and White European (Portuguese descent) from my father’s side in my veins.  So I think I need a new category, perhaps All of the Above, Mixed or Mishmash.

But for the record from now on I am an O…  and proud of it!!

Listen to your dreams and that nagging feeling!

That same night I had a very vivid dream with the man that did my fingerprints.  He had been very nice and very talkative, asking me questions about Brazil during my appointment.

In my dream he was talking so much that he forgot to do 3 fingers on the second set of prints.  The next morning  I was surprised that I remembered the dream vividly (I never do), so the first thing I did when I walked into the office was to look at the set of fingerprints and confirm that all fingers were accounted for.  And they were!

But still I had a feeling that something was not right.  There was something telling me that something was off.  So for the 5th time I reopened the envelope and look at it again and aha! I noticed that he had not signed or dated the form.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  It felt good to have that uneasy feeling go away.

The best part is that I didn’t have to go all the way back to his office.  He felt bad about it and came to my office to sign it.

I know this is a minor unimportant detail and that I am extrapolating, but to me it reinforced the idea that we should always listen to our inner voices and gut feelings; that all the answers we seek are already within us if you look closely enough.  To me it also means I have to learn to be okay with silence and stillness so I can hear it and notice details, so I can hear and notice me and my body (heart, mind and soul) guiding me.

I texted Ex!

21 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I texted Ex!
I know how it looks. And I actually don’t care how it looks, but how I feel.
One of the things I pride myself on is always giving a voice to my heart.  I like wearing my heart on my sleeve, I like being open and transparent.
Saying what I want, when I want unburdens and empowers me.
I don’t care what he thinks either. It is not about him! It never was! It is about me and my feelings and how I act and react to them!
I am taking myself and my heart back little by little, too slow for my liking, but somethings cannot be rushed. Each little step towards freedom is important and rewarding.
I texted him to express gratitude.
I was at Windham, NY skiing (or attempting to) and I was feeling overwhelmed with the freedom of the open space and the beauty of the mountain. I was also feeling good about my progress skiing.
Right then and there I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for the person that introduced me to skiing: Ex

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This is what I wrote:
“I want you to know that no matter how much hurt I still have in my heart I will be eternally grateful for the many things you have taught me including and especially skiing. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
I know that many may think I am opening a door for him to waltz back in, but that is not the case at all. I am opening a door to the healing of my heart.
I don’t expect a reply, that was no the point of sending the text.
He does reply in the form of an email the following day, saying I should be proud of being a Brazilian skier.
and that was it!

I have decided to look at my relationship with Ex, as a whole, with all its beauty during and not so beautiful ending. The relationship was not the ending alone, I cannot only think about how it ended and dwell on it.  I cannot also only think about the beautiful time and have this unreal view of it.
I don’t regret sending it the text the same way I don’t regret the relationship.  IN fact I would be willing to do it all over again!

I think that my reaching out to him is my way of making peace with my past.  I cannot hate Ex, that would be like hating my past, and I love my past.  I don’t want to be in the past, I want to be fully in the present and embrace the amazing future that awaits.  I want to continue to grow and become better and better. But my past is me, and I embrace it, love it and I am making peace with it!

It felt so freeing being the one that reached out instead of being in the receiving end! It made me feel in control.  I am making things happen and not waiting for them to happen to me and just react to it!

So, thank you Ex, for skiing and other things! Thank you for my lovely memories!

My 2013 so far:

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Back pain.  Last week my lower back started hurting.  I am not sure what it caused, but I suspect it is the ball I am sitting on a couple of hours a day at work.   I thought it was going to improve my core, but it backfired, so until my back is 100% I have stopped using the ball.   Having to skip Zumba and Yoga made me unhappy.  I went to Pilates anyway – we mostly stretched and work around my back issues. This is a good reminder to be good to my body, cherish my health and strive to lead a balanced life.   

Kitchen flood.  One night last week I started my washer and all of a sudden I am standing in water and it doesn’t stop flowing even after I stop the machine.  My poor aching back became worst after mopping and wet vacuuming for 2 hours.   After 2 days the plumber finally found the source of the problem.  Now all I need is someone to fix this huge hole in my wall.  What is the lesson here?  I am not sure, but I am learning not to stress over things, especially material things.  A damaged wood floor and a hole in the wall are not the end of the world!

New Industry Regulations.  New regulations are threatening to make conducting my business very difficult, actually to the point of closing our doors.   These impossible requirements and looming deadlines are making me busier and more stressed than normal. I can only do my best –  if for some reason this door closes I am sure a bigger and better one will be opening up in the future.

Flat tire (a second one in the space of a couple of months – different tire).  (I am well aware that a flat tire is not a big deal, but since it was night time and my cell was running out of power it constituted an emergency for me).   Luckily, just last week I called and got full coverage for my car and it comes with road side assistance.  I am happy to report that Geico Roadside Assistance works!          What needs to be done, needs to be done right now! I had been postponing making the phone call to change my insurance for awhile, but I am so relieved that I finally did it last week.  I am glad I didn’t let procrastination get the best of me!

And here is the highlight:

I went skiing! Who cares about all of the above when one is going down a mountain trying not to fall, or should I say, trying to fall safely.

REI store was offering their first skiing class, so that is who I went with.  There was 10 of us in big bus. A wonderful group of people, most talked all the way there and back, I slept, which made the trip seem like 30 minutes instead of 2 and half hours.

I have been dying to get to a mountain, any mountain. It was fun, fun, fun! Okay so the conditions weren’t ideal, and Windham is no Whistler but it satisfied my thirst for the mountain and open air.

A co-worker said to me: This is the time in your life when you should be stopping skiing, not starting. I find that almost insulting.  What does age have to do with anything?

I love the challenge of the sport.   I am both in love with and terrified by skiing.  I love the idea of conquering my fear of gaining speed as I go down the mountain.  I know I will get better at it, and even if I don’t, I am enjoying the trying!

My new motto: If I am not falling I am not learning! If I am not falling/failing that means that I am playing it safe and not challenging myself. Therefore I am not improving/growing.  Here’s to constant growth and many falls on and off the mountain!!

 

Thank you 2012 for everything! For heartaches and lessons, for friends old and new, and above all, thank you for the hope in my heart!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Thank you!  Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you 2012 for everything that you have taught me!

Thank you Ex for letting me go when I wanted to hang on!

Thank you family and old friends for always being there for me!

Thank you new friends for making me believe in the beauty of new relationships.

Thank you work for the steady paycheck.

Thank you blog for giving me an outlet for my emotions and for introducing me to great people.

Thank you readers and fellow bloggers for reading my blog, for liking it, for commenting on it, for sending me heartfelt e-mails, for becoming my new friends!

It is impossible for me not to look back and reflect upon everything that has happened in 2012.  My life is completely different from what it was in 2011.  The only constant has been my job. I feel I have lost everything else.

Is my life better or worse?  It depends at which moment you ask me.  Life is composed of good and bad moments and I live each and all to the fullest.  The bottom line is my life is exactly as it is supposed to be.  2011 was certainly the most heartbreaking year of my life.  There were many challenges and I welcome challenges!

I feel I have accomplished and overcame a lot, specially emotionally.  I could have accomplished more, but at the same time I could have curled up in a ball and fallen into a deep depression.  I could have drowned my sorrows in pounds of chocolate and gained 30 pounds, I could have fallen for the wrong guy just because I feel lonely. Yet I have done none of those things.  And for that and more I am grateful.

I have found peace, comfort and joy in accepting what the Universe has thrown at me.  I accept and cherish the present moment.  I am happy and grateful for each breath.

The main idea in 2011 was to keep mind and body busy.  I keep active with Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and volunteering ( I have been volunteering every Saturday and I am sore for days afterwards 🙂 ).  I try to keep my mind engaged with conversations with great friends, with movies, with puzzles, with new challenges.  Still I hate to exercise, eat too much sugar and watch too much TV.  I accept myself in all my glory and flaws. I just promise myself to try to be a little better today than  I was yesterday.

In 2013 I am renewing my efforts to work harder at learning French and learning mosaic ( I found a 1 day mosaic workshop to be held in February and already signed up for it and I am able to invite someone to dinner in French – great starts)

I look at 2013 with a peaceful heart and so much hope! I know in my heart that it will be an amazing year.  After all I am blessed with a Star on the Forehead (an invisible star)

In 2010 I had my fortune read by a monk sitting next to a temple in Thailand.  Is that an acceptable thing in Buddhism? I have been always curious about that.  But anyway, the point is, he told me that I was blessed (well no news there I knew that!! Lol), but he also told me that my life will only get better and better.  Each new day will be better than the one before! Did he know what he was talking about?  Did he have psychic abilities?  Who knows and who cares!  The important thing is that I believe it to be true, and the Universe believes what I believe.

The monk forgot to mention the hardships and growing pains along the way, but those are only details.

Today I can surely look back and say that my life is infinitely better and the most important thing is I feel I continue to move in the right direction and things can only get better.

So thank you reader and friend for being a part of my Universe, for making me question myself, for giving me support, for the kind words at the right time, for having inspiring, funny and informational blogs!

May your life get better and better and may 2013 be your year to shine!

ps.  How dare I feel sorry for myself even for a second? On my way from the train station I stopped by a Brazilian restaurant, while waiting for a pastry to be fried, I noticed a man paying for a tiny piece of meat and sitting and eating that. The man looked disheveled and I thought he could have been mentally ill, but I decided to approach him anyway.  I sat at his table and asked him if I could buy him lunch. He said yes.  I was relieved that he acted normal.

I had so many emotions when I left the restaurant.  I was happy with myself for lending a hand, but still the powerlessness consumes me. I feel guilty for having had moments today of feeling sorry for myself for not having a big New Year’s Eve planned. How dare I when some don’t know where their next meal is coming from?

I know I am meant to do more, to help more.  “To whom much is given, much is expected!” Luke 14:48