Thank you for joining me in my pity party. I think this is my first official one, so please allow me to fully enjoy this moment and don’t hold it against me.
I hate when a holiday sneaks up on me likes this 4th of July did. All of a sudden I find myself alone and with nothing planned. It feels like the entire world has plans and people to plan it with, except me.
Of course I know better, and know that I am not in this boat alone, but no one can argue with feelings and that is how I am feeling right now.
“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.” ― Douglas Coupland
I wish I had planned to go away, a mini adventure of sorts or anything, even what I used to do in the past on lonely weekends: go to the casino. With free room, entertainment, and enough points for a spa treatment that always made me happy. But I haven’t done that in so long that it didn’t even cross my mind until now.
A friend invited me to her house last minute. I don’t like last minute invitations. I prefer to plan things in advance. yep, lonely, sad and picky!
“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.” ― Charlotte Brontë
While I am at it, I just realized that I am in need of new ICE. Not the stuff found in the freezer or in the cosmopolitan that I very proudly just made myself for the first time. I was going to have juice from my new juicer, but since this is a party I figure alcohol is in order. Anyway, the ICE that I mean is the In Case of Emergency.
I realized today, yep only today, that I need to change my ICE on my phone. My Ex is still listed under ICE on my phone. Why didn’t I change it before? Was I hoping that eventually he would become my ICE again? or perhaps it was avoidance, not really wanting to face the fact that he is no longer my rock.
“We live as we dream–alone….”
― Joseph Conrad
But who should be my ICE? My next of kin is 4,800 miles away. I doubt that would be helpful in an emergency.
The realization that I cannot come up with someone to be my ICE person makes me feel even more lonely. More than lonely, actually, it makes me feel alone in the world. Yes,I know I am being a drama queen, but it is my party, so allow me to do and feel as I please. I have friends, great friends, but ICE should be that person(s) that would drop everything to be by my side and I am not sure any of my friends would do that and I would not expect them to either. Perhaps I should expect more from my friends.
Why am I allowing myself to feel this sorry for myself now all of a sudden? I have been living away from my family (or any relative) for the past 28 years. I never had too many friends. I have not always had a boyfriend. I am now supposed to be older and stronger, not older and weaker. It is an uncomfortable feeling.
At the same time acknowledging my feelings, even if I am not proud of them, feels important and necessary at this point in my life. I was always the one that never complained or felt sad or sorry for myself. Allowing myself to fully feel all feelings and not sweep them under the rug is liberating. Discovering what is really behind some of my actions will probably be what will take me to the next step in healing from this never ending broken heart. Why am I so intent in finding a partner? Is it just so I have someone to go away with on holidays? Realizing that I am not missing Ex, just missing someone is another huge step. It makes me see the necessity of stopping and taking a deep breath in my quest for a partner. There is a real danger of going into a new relationship for the wrong reason.
I really miss having that one person that you want to call with good or bad news. I miss being safe with someone. I am tired of being the grown up, responsible, in charge of myself. It was so much better when, even if it was for a brief moment, that I felt taken care of, cared for, safe.
When I had a flat tire awhile back, I remember thinking to myself that money is a single girl’s best friend. Money gives you options and also rescues you. I like the phrase: “Throw money at the problem!” It has been true to me. but money doesn’t keep you warm at night, well it can …but we will not go into that.
Whenever I complete forms, mostly medical forms, asking for a contact in case of emergency I have been putting down this person that is always happy to help anyone. But lately she has been so overburdened with her own family issues that she has not time to spare and I have started to feel bad writing her name down in the case that she really needs to be contacted. I feel like saying no one, I can only count on myself, but how pathetic is that?
But at the end of this party, I have to say that I really know how truly blessed and lucky I am. Being alone has its own share of blessings and opportunities. I am able to do whatever I want, when I want, no need to explain or tell anybody anything. No family constraints or obligations. I can explore and have as many dates I want with as many men I want. I can really choose the right one, or perhaps realize that the right thing is to be alone.
This is the time I should be using to do all the things I love and get back to travelling alone like I always did. There is a whole world out there waiting to be explored. There are tons of things for me to do, to learn, to share, so to spend time feeling sorry for myself is a waste of precious time that I can never get it back.
So this pity party is now officially over. Thank you for coming and allowing me wallow in pity for this brief moment in time. Until next holiday!