Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Guess what?? I have changed my mind!

15 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 32 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

I did what I said I would never do! I signed up for e-harmony again! (Another wonderful thing about me: I allow myself to change my mind!!)

Even when you are no longer a member at e-harmony you still get emails from them with matches that want to get to know you, so one of them peaked my interest enough to want to check it out.

I have been casually dating someone, but he and I know this relationship is not going to get anywhere.  He is a great guy, but the age difference and the different priorities in life are too much for us to overlook.   Still we enjoy going out to dinner and sharing a bottle of wine every once in awhile.

This time e-harmony has been a very different experience then last time. I am still using the same profile I had but now I am getting many more matches and more of them interested in talking to me.  So, so far quantity is good, as far as quality we shall see. I think it has to do with my being open to the experience and not just wanting to find someone to replace Ex.

I went on one date with a great guy at a great restaurant, great conversation, but no chemistry on my side.  He wants a second date, but I said no.  There was one date which was just weird (I will write about in an upcoming post).   I have canceled 2 dates after I had already agreed on them, I really knew it wouldn’t work so I didn’t want to waste their time and my perfume.  And I am exchanging emails with a few interesting guys, so to me this has been a success already. (talk about low expectations- lol)

I think everything in life is a question of timing.  I believe in Divine Timing and I know that things will happen when they are meant to happen and if they are meant to happen.  The worst that could happen to me is that I end up alone, and that,  I have to tell you, is not bad at all because I adore my own company! 🙂  But with that being said, I think having a partner is much more fun.  So, until Divine Timing happens and that amazing guy knocks on my door,  I will play Master of my own Destiny and use whatever tools I have at my disposal to look for that special someone. 

I enjoy the fact that with e-harmony I am able to meet people from all walks of life.

Please don’t understand this post as an endorsement for e-harmony or any other online dating.  I am just saying that it works for me as a distraction and it helps me feel that I am in control (there I go again with that illusion that I am in control of anything) of my dating situation.

And if you do decide on an online dating site, the key word is safety! I don’t give my phone number or address to anyone. If something feels weird I stop communication immediately.  I listen to my gut!!

The moment I think a guy warrants a second date then that will be the end of my romance with Mr. Too Young (I told him about e-harmony).  It wouldn’t be right or fair to anyone involved, and I am not one to be juggling men! Well I never tried, perhaps I could be a natural… just kidding!!!

In the meantime EX emails again persisting on letting me know he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to see him, and still professing his love for me.  He is not talking about getting back together (not that I would, I just find it hilarious that he continuous to say that he loves me deeply while with a new girlfriend in his arms.)    I no longer have the energy to try to explain it, so I just continue to say: no, thank you!

Peace!

What letter am I? Listening to that nagging feeling!

09 Saturday Feb 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 43 Comments

Tags

, , ,

What am I?  C, H or O?

Caucasian, Hispanic or Other?  How do I classify myself today?

Due to new regulations in my industry I needed to get my fingerprints done.  When filling out the form I encountered a question that I encounter often and it stumps me every time.

Race

What am I?  Well, I am Brazilian!  But that is never one of the options to choose from.

I normally just put down whatever they tell me, if I am completing it in front of someone.

But this time when the girl at the front desk there, who happens to be Hispanic, told me to put H I hesitated, but I did it.  She then started speaking Spanish to me as if to validate the idea that I am an H.   I wrote down H and then immediately regretted.   I said I am not Hispanic because I don’t speak Spanish.   I am Latina, because I am from Latin America.  She goes: same difference.

No, Madam, not to me!  I have nothing against being Hispanic or any other race for that matter, but it is not my race.  To say I am an H would be like putting me in this little box in which I don’t fit.  So I changed that H to an O.  Because I had written in pen and couldn’t erase it, after changing it it wasn’t really clear what letter it was.  So maybe that is what really best defines me, not an H, not an O , not really any specific letter but a combination of them.

I have traces of Black and Brazilian Indian from my mother’s side and White European (Portuguese descent) from my father’s side in my veins.  So I think I need a new category, perhaps All of the Above, Mixed or Mishmash.

But for the record from now on I am an O…  and proud of it!!

Listen to your dreams and that nagging feeling!

That same night I had a very vivid dream with the man that did my fingerprints.  He had been very nice and very talkative, asking me questions about Brazil during my appointment.

In my dream he was talking so much that he forgot to do 3 fingers on the second set of prints.  The next morning  I was surprised that I remembered the dream vividly (I never do), so the first thing I did when I walked into the office was to look at the set of fingerprints and confirm that all fingers were accounted for.  And they were!

But still I had a feeling that something was not right.  There was something telling me that something was off.  So for the 5th time I reopened the envelope and look at it again and aha! I noticed that he had not signed or dated the form.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  It felt good to have that uneasy feeling go away.

The best part is that I didn’t have to go all the way back to his office.  He felt bad about it and came to my office to sign it.

I know this is a minor unimportant detail and that I am extrapolating, but to me it reinforced the idea that we should always listen to our inner voices and gut feelings; that all the answers we seek are already within us if you look closely enough.  To me it also means I have to learn to be okay with silence and stillness so I can hear it and notice details, so I can hear and notice me and my body (heart, mind and soul) guiding me.

I texted Ex!

21 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 43 Comments

Tags

, , ,

I texted Ex!
I know how it looks. And I actually don’t care how it looks, but how I feel.
One of the things I pride myself on is always giving a voice to my heart.  I like wearing my heart on my sleeve, I like being open and transparent.
Saying what I want, when I want unburdens and empowers me.
I don’t care what he thinks either. It is not about him! It never was! It is about me and my feelings and how I act and react to them!
I am taking myself and my heart back little by little, too slow for my liking, but somethings cannot be rushed. Each little step towards freedom is important and rewarding.
I texted him to express gratitude.
I was at Windham, NY skiing (or attempting to) and I was feeling overwhelmed with the freedom of the open space and the beauty of the mountain. I was also feeling good about my progress skiing.
Right then and there I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for the person that introduced me to skiing: Ex

ii

This is what I wrote:
“I want you to know that no matter how much hurt I still have in my heart I will be eternally grateful for the many things you have taught me including and especially skiing. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
I know that many may think I am opening a door for him to waltz back in, but that is not the case at all. I am opening a door to the healing of my heart.
I don’t expect a reply, that was no the point of sending the text.
He does reply in the form of an email the following day, saying I should be proud of being a Brazilian skier.
and that was it!

I have decided to look at my relationship with Ex, as a whole, with all its beauty during and not so beautiful ending. The relationship was not the ending alone, I cannot only think about how it ended and dwell on it.  I cannot also only think about the beautiful time and have this unreal view of it.
I don’t regret sending it the text the same way I don’t regret the relationship.  IN fact I would be willing to do it all over again!

I think that my reaching out to him is my way of making peace with my past.  I cannot hate Ex, that would be like hating my past, and I love my past.  I don’t want to be in the past, I want to be fully in the present and embrace the amazing future that awaits.  I want to continue to grow and become better and better. But my past is me, and I embrace it, love it and I am making peace with it!

It felt so freeing being the one that reached out instead of being in the receiving end! It made me feel in control.  I am making things happen and not waiting for them to happen to me and just react to it!

So, thank you Ex, for skiing and other things! Thank you for my lovely memories!

My 2013 so far:

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 36 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

Back pain.  Last week my lower back started hurting.  I am not sure what it caused, but I suspect it is the ball I am sitting on a couple of hours a day at work.   I thought it was going to improve my core, but it backfired, so until my back is 100% I have stopped using the ball.   Having to skip Zumba and Yoga made me unhappy.  I went to Pilates anyway – we mostly stretched and work around my back issues. This is a good reminder to be good to my body, cherish my health and strive to lead a balanced life.   

Kitchen flood.  One night last week I started my washer and all of a sudden I am standing in water and it doesn’t stop flowing even after I stop the machine.  My poor aching back became worst after mopping and wet vacuuming for 2 hours.   After 2 days the plumber finally found the source of the problem.  Now all I need is someone to fix this huge hole in my wall.  What is the lesson here?  I am not sure, but I am learning not to stress over things, especially material things.  A damaged wood floor and a hole in the wall are not the end of the world!

New Industry Regulations.  New regulations are threatening to make conducting my business very difficult, actually to the point of closing our doors.   These impossible requirements and looming deadlines are making me busier and more stressed than normal. I can only do my best –  if for some reason this door closes I am sure a bigger and better one will be opening up in the future.

Flat tire (a second one in the space of a couple of months – different tire).  (I am well aware that a flat tire is not a big deal, but since it was night time and my cell was running out of power it constituted an emergency for me).   Luckily, just last week I called and got full coverage for my car and it comes with road side assistance.  I am happy to report that Geico Roadside Assistance works!          What needs to be done, needs to be done right now! I had been postponing making the phone call to change my insurance for awhile, but I am so relieved that I finally did it last week.  I am glad I didn’t let procrastination get the best of me!

And here is the highlight:

I went skiing! Who cares about all of the above when one is going down a mountain trying not to fall, or should I say, trying to fall safely.

REI store was offering their first skiing class, so that is who I went with.  There was 10 of us in big bus. A wonderful group of people, most talked all the way there and back, I slept, which made the trip seem like 30 minutes instead of 2 and half hours.

I have been dying to get to a mountain, any mountain. It was fun, fun, fun! Okay so the conditions weren’t ideal, and Windham is no Whistler but it satisfied my thirst for the mountain and open air.

A co-worker said to me: This is the time in your life when you should be stopping skiing, not starting. I find that almost insulting.  What does age have to do with anything?

I love the challenge of the sport.   I am both in love with and terrified by skiing.  I love the idea of conquering my fear of gaining speed as I go down the mountain.  I know I will get better at it, and even if I don’t, I am enjoying the trying!

My new motto: If I am not falling I am not learning! If I am not falling/failing that means that I am playing it safe and not challenging myself. Therefore I am not improving/growing.  Here’s to constant growth and many falls on and off the mountain!!

 

Thank you 2012 for everything! For heartaches and lessons, for friends old and new, and above all, thank you for the hope in my heart!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 62 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

Thank you!  Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you 2012 for everything that you have taught me!

Thank you Ex for letting me go when I wanted to hang on!

Thank you family and old friends for always being there for me!

Thank you new friends for making me believe in the beauty of new relationships.

Thank you work for the steady paycheck.

Thank you blog for giving me an outlet for my emotions and for introducing me to great people.

Thank you readers and fellow bloggers for reading my blog, for liking it, for commenting on it, for sending me heartfelt e-mails, for becoming my new friends!

It is impossible for me not to look back and reflect upon everything that has happened in 2012.  My life is completely different from what it was in 2011.  The only constant has been my job. I feel I have lost everything else.

Is my life better or worse?  It depends at which moment you ask me.  Life is composed of good and bad moments and I live each and all to the fullest.  The bottom line is my life is exactly as it is supposed to be.  2011 was certainly the most heartbreaking year of my life.  There were many challenges and I welcome challenges!

I feel I have accomplished and overcame a lot, specially emotionally.  I could have accomplished more, but at the same time I could have curled up in a ball and fallen into a deep depression.  I could have drowned my sorrows in pounds of chocolate and gained 30 pounds, I could have fallen for the wrong guy just because I feel lonely. Yet I have done none of those things.  And for that and more I am grateful.

I have found peace, comfort and joy in accepting what the Universe has thrown at me.  I accept and cherish the present moment.  I am happy and grateful for each breath.

The main idea in 2011 was to keep mind and body busy.  I keep active with Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and volunteering ( I have been volunteering every Saturday and I am sore for days afterwards 🙂 ).  I try to keep my mind engaged with conversations with great friends, with movies, with puzzles, with new challenges.  Still I hate to exercise, eat too much sugar and watch too much TV.  I accept myself in all my glory and flaws. I just promise myself to try to be a little better today than  I was yesterday.

In 2013 I am renewing my efforts to work harder at learning French and learning mosaic ( I found a 1 day mosaic workshop to be held in February and already signed up for it and I am able to invite someone to dinner in French – great starts)

I look at 2013 with a peaceful heart and so much hope! I know in my heart that it will be an amazing year.  After all I am blessed with a Star on the Forehead (an invisible star)

In 2010 I had my fortune read by a monk sitting next to a temple in Thailand.  Is that an acceptable thing in Buddhism? I have been always curious about that.  But anyway, the point is, he told me that I was blessed (well no news there I knew that!! Lol), but he also told me that my life will only get better and better.  Each new day will be better than the one before! Did he know what he was talking about?  Did he have psychic abilities?  Who knows and who cares!  The important thing is that I believe it to be true, and the Universe believes what I believe.

The monk forgot to mention the hardships and growing pains along the way, but those are only details.

Today I can surely look back and say that my life is infinitely better and the most important thing is I feel I continue to move in the right direction and things can only get better.

So thank you reader and friend for being a part of my Universe, for making me question myself, for giving me support, for the kind words at the right time, for having inspiring, funny and informational blogs!

May your life get better and better and may 2013 be your year to shine!

ps.  How dare I feel sorry for myself even for a second? On my way from the train station I stopped by a Brazilian restaurant, while waiting for a pastry to be fried, I noticed a man paying for a tiny piece of meat and sitting and eating that. The man looked disheveled and I thought he could have been mentally ill, but I decided to approach him anyway.  I sat at his table and asked him if I could buy him lunch. He said yes.  I was relieved that he acted normal.

I had so many emotions when I left the restaurant.  I was happy with myself for lending a hand, but still the powerlessness consumes me. I feel guilty for having had moments today of feeling sorry for myself for not having a big New Year’s Eve planned. How dare I when some don’t know where their next meal is coming from?

I know I am meant to do more, to help more.  “To whom much is given, much is expected!” Luke 14:48

Missing everything about you …

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 57 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

I wrote this months ago when, clearly,  I missed everything about Ex.

I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of you

I don’t miss your house, I miss playing house

I don’t miss our dinners together, I miss a table for two

I don’t miss the the tennis court, I miss a partner

I don’t miss your bed, I miss a warm body next to me at night

I don’t miss our time together, I miss the daily routine

I don’t miss your kisses, I miss a mouth touching mine

I don’t miss your voice, I miss being told the truth

I don’t miss your touch, I miss being touched

I don’t miss the vacations together, I miss escaping the day to day

I don’t miss you, I miss the fairy-tale, the infinite, the forever

I don’t miss anything about you, yet there is a hole so big and deep that sometimes threatens to swallow me

But in reflecting about this I realize there is one thing I miss. The one thing about you that is pure and honest:  I miss your dog! I miss those big black eyes begging me for a treat!

and this last image is just because it made me laugh:

AN ALPHABET OF GRATITUDE!!

22 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 84 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

I know I left out a lot things I am grateful for.  I am sure I will remember a few more every time I look at this post. (like life, breath, water, freedom of choice, etc 🙂

A-ANDREA and ANIMALS – I am grateful for my identical twin sister. I am grateful for having a partner in crime right in the womb! She rocks!  The world is a better place because ANIMALS are in it!

B-BREAD and BED – So grateful for not having to worry about having food to eat and a bed to sleep. I am blessed! I feel so safe in my bed and I really enjoy my food!


C- CAR, CHOCOLATE and CLOUDS – I am grateful for having transport.  After 1 year without chocolate I am grateful for the flavor of chocolate.  Every time I look up and see clouds they make me realize the wonder of it all! and sometimes I see a bunny!

D-DANCING and DOORS – I am grateful for the love of dancing. I am grateful for the opening of new doors and opportunities every day.

E-EX and EXPERIENCES – I am grateful for my EX and all other exes before, Ex-boyfriend, Ex-boss, ex-friend, etc, all of them provides EXPERIENCES that enabled me to grow and be where I am today.


F-FAMILY, FRIEND and FORGIVENESS – So grateful for having my family and friends, a support group that I can always count on. FORGIVENESS is at the heart of any progress and moving forward in my life. Forgiveness is what makes relationships work.


G-GOD and GRATITUDE and GOALS – I am grateful for believing in a GOD that loves me and wants only the best for me! I am grateful for a grateful heart!

H-HARMONY and HEROS –  I am grateful for a harmonious life. I am great for daily heros, for people that I encounter and have encountered in my life that have provided with inspiration.

I-INSPIRATION and INTUITION – I am grateful for moments of intuition and inspiration – those challenge me and make progress in the right direction.

J-JOB and JOY – I am grateful for a job that allows me not to worry about food and shelter.  I am grateful for all the joys in my life, big and small.

K- KISS – I am grateful for the joys and beauty of a kiss. There is nothing better in life!

L- LOVE – I am grateful for believing in love and having love in my heart!

M-MUSIC and MISSION –  I am grateful for being able to have amazing beautiful soundtrack for my life! I am grateful for believing I have a mission in life and for not giving up in its search.


N- NEVER – I am grateful for not believing in the word NEVER and always believeing that there is a chance!

O- OPTIMISM– I am grateful for my eternal optimism.

P – PEACE AND PAIN – I believe and strive for peace. I believe PAIN is the catalyst for major progress in life.

Q-QUOTES and QUESTIONS – I love quotes, my Facebook will attest to that! QUESTIONS keeps my mind open and challenge me to not accept things as is.


R- RAIN – I am grateful for everything about rain. The benefits, the sound, the appearance.

S-SOLITUDE and SKIING – I am grateful for enjoying moments of SOLITUDE. I am happy and grateful for having skiing as one of the new challenges in my life.

T- TOLERANCE and TENNIS –  I am grateful for having a tolerant heart and grateful for everything about the game of TENNIS – playing and watching and the fun outfits.


U- UNIVERSE and UNICORN –  I am so grateful for believing that the UNIVERSE is always on my side. I am grateful for believing in unicorns.

V – VACATIONS – I am grateful for having vacations – a change to renew and recharge.

W – WOMAN and WONDER and WRITING – I am grateful for being a woman, full of wonder. I am full of hormones and feelings and WONDER about the world.


X – XMAS and XYLOTOL– hey X is a hard word! Even though I am a little ambivalent about Xmas, who doesn’t enjoy the blinking lights. Sugar free gum is king.

Y- YOUTH, YOUTH OF HEART AND MIND – I am grateful for youth – for what the next generation will bring. I am grateful for my youthful self, for feeling like I am 25 years old most of the time.

Z-ZUMBA – I am grateful for burning calories while doing something I love.

Never hate …willing to try love again and again

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

, , ,

Trying again and again, falling down, getting up and trying again and again, that to me is life, a continuous cycle of trials, specially my life.

Going for what you want and never giving up, be it a job or love or anything else you aim at, takes determination! It also takes forgetting, forgiving and believing! oh yeah, and one must not forget their sense of humor!

Everyone says “letting go of the past” is essential to moving on. I am beginning to believe that completely “letting go of the past” may never happen for me, so instead I am focusing on making peace with the past.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just makes them less vivid!  The wounds are still there, like battle scars.  The type of scar that still bleeds and hurts when touched.

The above quote is completely right: Letting go isn’t a thing that you do and you are done with. You have to keep doing it over and over again.

I thought that I would magically wake up one day and realize that I no longer had any thoughts of Ex and anything related to him, but that is not the case. Some mornings I wake up and the pain is as fresh as if it all happened yesterday.

I am happy embracing my future, but I find myself making frequent trips to the past. Some days out of the blue the past come flooding back as a torrent that takes me by surprise and breaks me down. I am left in a puddle of tears.

I have been putting so much pressure on myself to let go of the past that it seems to be back-firing.  It is draining me and having the opposite effect.  I decided to try a different approach , and an easier attitude. If I visit the past every now and then, so be it!  It is not the end of the world!

I don’t want Ex anymore, but somehow there is a certain level of comfort in holding on to memories of him, good and bad. The good memories, makes me feel I was loved and that the 3 years were not in vain. The bad memories helps me to move forward, helps me to remember that I need to value myself and put myself in first place.

This has been a year of major realizations.  Ex helped me realize that I am incapable of having mean thoughts and feelings about anyone, including and specially him.  He wrote me an email 2 days ago thanking me for loving him so much and thanking my family for having welcomed him with open arms and treating him like family – Hurricane Sandy made him realize a few things. I cried! Even if it is all bs and chances are great that it is, it touched me and made me realize that I don’t want to hate him, I want to see him happy!  Not with me, but happy!

I really loved him and it is really true what they say about wanting to see the person you love happy.  I am looking past what he did that hurt me.  Our relationship was the entire 3 years and not just the last few months. So he messed up in the last months. He is only human. I am willing to accept that. I think one day he will realize all he has done. But he is not there yet.

I do wish he would examine his actions so he would learn from them, but I am no longer willing to be his instructor.  I am just enjoying having a heart that doesn’t know how to hate. I thank him for the great time, forgive him for the pain he caused and wish him happiness. I find comfort in not hating him.  Actually I should thank him for the pain also, without pain there is no growth!   I have been growing by leaps and bounds because of him!

I replied to the e-mail like I would to an old friend, but didn’t engage in additional exchanges. I am not his friend, but I am not his enemy either. He is a person I knew and cared for! Period! Perhaps I should have not replied, but I am happy I did. It makes me feel more in control this way.  Trying to ignore him made me feel like I was actually giving him power over me.

I navigate life alone beautifully, and I am not faking it, I really enjoy my freedom! I love doing what I want when I want and not having to explain anything to anybody! But, yes there is a but, I really want to find someone with my same values, humor and energy to go through life together.  I want to find someone that thinks that life is both a blessing and a big adventure!

In the meantime I am working on myself, enjoying life and always in search of people and things that will add to my life not detract from it.

I am also looking at how I present myself and how I treat others.  Forgetting about me, me, me and focusing on a greater good sounds like a good recipe for a better future!  Can I behave today better than I did yesterday?  How many people can I make smile tomorrow?

I choose to be happy!!! 🙂

Day 7: I carry it in my heart

29 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

I go through Grand Central Station every week day and it is normally a obstacle course trying to navigate it among the commuters and tourists.

Today it was very different.  This evening Grand Central Station was a ghost town with guards standing at the doors just letting people out and informing the people trying to get in that the station is closed.

I feel odd today.  I am not sure what to think.  Is this Hurricane Sandy a sure thing or just media hype? It feels weird leaving my apartment and my brand new table behind. Is everything going to be there in a couple of days when I return?

I am feeling weird sitting alone in a hotel room in New York City.  I am staying in Manhattan to be close to work since the trains stopped 7 pm tonight.  I am trying not to let the victim in me come out.  I am trying not to feel so alone in the most populous city in the USA.  At times like this is very hard not to feel all alone in the world. I need to snap out of it.

My favorite show, Amazing Race is on.  Today they are in Bangladesh, and seeing some of the day laborers working in such poor conditions, and seeing all the kids on the street with huge smiles on their faces snaps me out of the “poor me” mentality real quick.  I am blessed for so many reasons.  I have so many reasons to smile. More than the material comforts I have been blessed with a rich soul and a rich heart.

I know how to appreciate everything I have, specially my breath.  Having life is the greatest gift of all and that is enough!  So, to spend even a minute feeling sorry for myself it would be such a waste of precious time.   I don’t need to have people physically right next to me to know that I am loved.  My family is in my heart and in my thoughts and I am in theirs.

To quote E. E. Cummings:

“i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)”

 

hhhh

Day 4: All I want to hear is: I am sorry!

25 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

 

I am thinking that this itching could be emotional.

The sad truth is that lately I have been thinking about Ex too much. No, I don’t want him still or anything like that, but I still cannot get over the fact that he never acknowledged his wrongdoings.  He never acknowledged that his actions were disrespectful and hurtful.

All I want is a “I am sorry”,  that is it!

But I know better! I know I will never get that! So why can’t I let it go?

I guess this being the 1 Year Anniversary of when everything fell apart doesn’t help either.

I still don’t understand what happened and where did the so called “love” go!

I know that I cannot move forward until I let go of the past! And I had thought I had!  But I guess that is how the grieving process goes, some times you have to go back to a stage that you thought you were done with.

***

The worst doctor ever gave me a dosage of 10mg of a prescription that according to my pediatrician friend she gives 4 times that to babies.  No wonder the itching has continued!!

***

On a bright note,  I have a fun date tonight. I am going to the Counting Crows concert with this guy that I have been seeing for the past 2 months.  It is not serious as the age difference is a bit too much, but it is serious in the sense that we are not seeing other people.

****

The cartoon below doesn’t reflect my situation but it was too funny to pass it up!