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Trying again and again, falling down, getting up and trying again and again, that to me is life, a continuous cycle of trials, specially my life.

Going for what you want and never giving up, be it a job or love or anything else you aim at, takes determination! It also takes forgetting, forgiving and believing! oh yeah, and one must not forget their sense of humor!

Everyone says “letting go of the past” is essential to moving on. I am beginning to believe that completely “letting go of the past” may never happen for me, so instead I am focusing on making peace with the past.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just makes them less vivid!  The wounds are still there, like battle scars.  The type of scar that still bleeds and hurts when touched.

The above quote is completely right: Letting go isn’t a thing that you do and you are done with. You have to keep doing it over and over again.

I thought that I would magically wake up one day and realize that I no longer had any thoughts of Ex and anything related to him, but that is not the case. Some mornings I wake up and the pain is as fresh as if it all happened yesterday.

I am happy embracing my future, but I find myself making frequent trips to the past. Some days out of the blue the past come flooding back as a torrent that takes me by surprise and breaks me down. I am left in a puddle of tears.

I have been putting so much pressure on myself to let go of the past that it seems to be back-firing.  It is draining me and having the opposite effect.  I decided to try a different approach , and an easier attitude. If I visit the past every now and then, so be it!  It is not the end of the world!

I don’t want Ex anymore, but somehow there is a certain level of comfort in holding on to memories of him, good and bad. The good memories, makes me feel I was loved and that the 3 years were not in vain. The bad memories helps me to move forward, helps me to remember that I need to value myself and put myself in first place.

This has been a year of major realizations.  Ex helped me realize that I am incapable of having mean thoughts and feelings about anyone, including and specially him.  He wrote me an email 2 days ago thanking me for loving him so much and thanking my family for having welcomed him with open arms and treating him like family – Hurricane Sandy made him realize a few things. I cried! Even if it is all bs and chances are great that it is, it touched me and made me realize that I don’t want to hate him, I want to see him happy!  Not with me, but happy!

I really loved him and it is really true what they say about wanting to see the person you love happy.  I am looking past what he did that hurt me.  Our relationship was the entire 3 years and not just the last few months. So he messed up in the last months. He is only human. I am willing to accept that. I think one day he will realize all he has done. But he is not there yet.

I do wish he would examine his actions so he would learn from them, but I am no longer willing to be his instructor.  I am just enjoying having a heart that doesn’t know how to hate. I thank him for the great time, forgive him for the pain he caused and wish him happiness. I find comfort in not hating him.  Actually I should thank him for the pain also, without pain there is no growth!   I have been growing by leaps and bounds because of him!

I replied to the e-mail like I would to an old friend, but didn’t engage in additional exchanges. I am not his friend, but I am not his enemy either. He is a person I knew and cared for! Period! Perhaps I should have not replied, but I am happy I did. It makes me feel more in control this way.  Trying to ignore him made me feel like I was actually giving him power over me.

I navigate life alone beautifully, and I am not faking it, I really enjoy my freedom! I love doing what I want when I want and not having to explain anything to anybody! But, yes there is a but, I really want to find someone with my same values, humor and energy to go through life together.  I want to find someone that thinks that life is both a blessing and a big adventure!

In the meantime I am working on myself, enjoying life and always in search of people and things that will add to my life not detract from it.

I am also looking at how I present myself and how I treat others.  Forgetting about me, me, me and focusing on a greater good sounds like a good recipe for a better future!  Can I behave today better than I did yesterday?  How many people can I make smile tomorrow?

I choose to be happy!!! 🙂

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