Category Archives: Daily Life

AM I BEING OVERSENSITIVE?

01 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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AM BEING TOO SENSITIVE?

I guess if I have to ask the answer is yes.

I have this good friend that likes to ask my thoughts on various issues, specially relationship issues.  He welcomes my opinions and says that my advices are very beneficial.  On my end I am happy to always try to motivate him and have him focusing him on on positive things.

On Sunday night he initiated a series of texts regarding a couple of issues that he was having.   I did what I think I do best, I had him let go of the victim mentally and focus on all the good in his life.  At the end he asked me how I was doing: I said I was ok and mentioned that I was going to bed soon because I had to get up extra early to get 2 MRIs done.  I was a little surprised that he didn’t say anything else, not “why are you getting those done” or “good luck”.  I figured he was just letting me get to bed without interruptions.

The next day after I am back at the office after getting the test done, he replies to my text from the night before with just “ok” and then proceeds to send me 4 other texts continuing his conversation from the night before.

I know I can be an extra sensitive person, but in this case, I think I am rightfully mystified that he would go on and on about himself without not even a slight polite reference to me and what I am going through.

I think it is just plain rude and clueless.

So I just didn’t reply.  I think that silence sometimes speaks volumes!  Plus it is best that I do not say anything in anger.

But of course, I don’t hold a grudge and I will still be there for him.  This also is a good reminder for me to watch myself and see if I am not doing the same.  It should not be all about me, or you, it should be about us.   It is a give and take, with the strongest perhaps having more to give.

 

My life is a trip and a pain in my hip …

23 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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It has been one week since I came back from Brazil and I am already itching to get back on a plane/road somewhere or at least to make plans to.  I was in the Finger Lakes region in January, Colorado in February, Brazil in April, I am ready to plan my next trip, even if it is for a one day getaway on a neighboring town.

I find that one of the best parts of going away is coming back. I always come back tired, but renewed and reenergized, full of ideas and goals.  This time back from Brazil it is no different.  I am full of energy, even if my hip is not willing to go along with the physical aspect of it.  It is exciting to think that there is so much I can do and accomplish it is all a matter of taking the first step and then continuing taking steps.

Mom is in town so I have been spoiled with home cooked meals, I have been over indulging in shopping and casino trips.  When my patience wears thin I remind myself that she is 78 yrs old.  Our major point of contention is the fact that she doesn’t stop. She is either cooking, cleaning, or painting and doing crafts. Right at this moment she is painting me a painting of Brazilian favelas (I will make sure to post the final product) after having done laundry, gone shopping and then she will make dinner and dessert. I guess there are worst things in the world than a mother that doesn’t stop, but the point of her visit here is for her to rest and she is not doing any of that!A bit

My hip has gone from bad to worst.  I am looking forward to seeing a Sports Medicine Orthopedic surgeon on Thursday.  I am hoping he will have answers for me or at least start on the way to answers.

I decided not to date while Mom is here and dedicate my non-working time to her.  It is amazing to me how some men that I didn’t even meet yet already have a problem with my lack of time in this period.  I guess that is a good weeding measure for me.  The right man will understand my limited time with my mom and wait.  With that being said I am having a lunch date today, since I am meeting during the day and not dipping into Mom’s time.  It so happens that a guy I met on e-harmony has an office 3 blocks from my office – what are the odds, right?

I am supposed to pick the place for lunch and now we have hit on one of my flaws (I hardly have any- lol).  I am incapable of making a decision when faced with too many choices on trivial matters.  The more trivial the subject the worst it is.  When facing important decisions I am quick and determined, but with stupid stuff such as a place to eat lunch I freeze. Gosh, it is only lunch! Am I worried what my choice will say about me? Am I afraid of picking an awful place?  I don’t know what it is, but with certain choices such as this I rather somebody else does it.

With important matters and facing problems I leap to action while little, unimportant things have me baffled  and worrying.  I wonder what does it say about me.

 

Miss “have it all together” is a complete mess!

15 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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… and today I fell apart …

Yesterday I was all high and mighty proclaiming to all that would listen (and read) that I was over Ex.

I had never felt more in control of my feelings and the situation. I was doing happy dances around  the apartment.

I felt so strong embracing life solo, hopeful and happy!  I have been living solo, but outings with AL made life seems less solo.

I felt powerful to be able to approach my relationship with AL in a levelheaded manner.  It felt amazing to be able to be friends with him and know that he feels exactly the same way.

And everything in my Universe felt absolutely right … until today…

I was feeling so strong that I decided to text Ex regarding an address of a mutual friend that is ill and I want to send a card.   I tried Google and I called this lady’s daughter for the address but since both attempts have been fruitless I decided that I was well enough to have a mature unemotional exchange with Ex.

There was not one specific word that set me off.  There was no reason for me to all of a sudden burst into tears in the middle of the work day and crave him so much!! Oh stupid fool, pull it together. So you thought he was the one, so you think that there will never be anyone like him, so what?  Move the heck on!!!!

It will be almost 2 years soon, shouldn’t it be over?   It has been several months since I had missed him and this freedom from wanting him was giving me such a high.

Life is indeed funny and unpredictable.   This teaches me that I should be more vigilant and make sure not to contact him for anything.

Some things we can never get over, we just have to manage it.  Perhaps I should deal with the reality that I will forever love him.  He is my drug that I cannot give into. I will be forever an Exholic!

I am sorry for letting down so many that thought that I had it all together. I tried, I am trying and tomorrow I am going to try again! I think what I owe everyone and, most importantly, myself is complete honesty! If I am following that then all else will eventually fall in place!

What I have all together is the fact that I want to be always 100% honest, even if I look foolish and flawed.

The best part is I am happy, happy, happy.  So I cried, big deal!  I am human and have feelings! Life is better with feeling than without them!!

Thank you heart for being so amazingly committed to someone! But please can you relax a little and give others a chance?

 

Moving on and on and on ….

14 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I should be writing about my visit to Brazil.  It was amazing as it always is, but today I have something else in my heart I want to write about.  Something in my heart that I need to do.

I have been dating, well dating implies it is going somewhere, so perhaps “seeing” is a better word, so I have been seeing a younger man for the past 8 months knowing fully well that it would not be a lasting thing. Yet I embarked on this new experience with all my heart, truth and honesty.

I knew that I was using him to replace Ex and all his memories. Using has a bad connotation, but it is the truth. It worked! I no longer miss Ex. I still have moments of missing what I had, but it is different now. There is no crying now. Ex feels like the past, and even the sadness of what could have been is gone.  It was what it was and for having lived it I am grateful.

Being with someone to replace somebody else sounds like a recipe for disaster. Am I playing with fire going out with someone thinking I wasn’t going to get emotionally attached? no doubt! Not even I believed it when I proclaimed my total control of the situation.  I get emotionally attached to my toothpaste, am I not going to get emotionally attached to someone that is kind, funny and which company I enjoy?

We both agree that this is not a serious thing and that as long as we are honest with each other things will work out. We know we are not for each other.  The age difference is not the whole problem. We are at very different stages in life and looking for different things.  But we enjoy each other’s company.

I knew the day would come when we would go our separate ways.  I am thinking that perhaps today is the day.  The day to resolve things before I get really emotionally attached.  To continue seeing him knowing it is not going anywhere has now begun to feel like a disservice to me and to what I want in my life.  And to him also. And perhaps to all my prospective dates… and his.

The timing is perfect.  I have re-joined e-harmony and have even gone on a couple of dates.  But all of a sudden finding someone it is not important anymore. I am enjoying being alone more and more. There is no hurry anymore.

I like this moment in my life, where I feel in absolute control of my feelings and life has this incredible taste of surprise.  It seems fitting to put an end to a situation that no longer fits seems fitting.

So, good bye AL!.  I am grateful for the time we have spent together.  I am grateful for the part you have played in mending my broken heart.  I am happy that we both agree that just friends is the way to go. It was amazing fun while it lasted.

I am so excited for myself, for getting stronger and stronger and for this life that keeps getting better and better!

 

March 28 …. A wonderful day to be born!

28 Thursday Mar 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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Today is my birthday (and my twin sister’s also, of course 🙂 ) the best part about having a twin is having a partner for life! No matter how far apart we live or what is going on in our lives I know she is there and she adores me like I adore her!

Normally on my birthday I want to run and hide.  In the past I wished people would just forget about it.  But this year is different!  For some reason I want to celebrate it! Let’s face it, how many times am I going to turn 47? Only once! So we may as well make it memorable.

Last night I was taken for an awesome dinner at Xaviars on the Hudson.  Peter Kelly, the chef, himself took our order.  The service was impeccable, the food was delicious, and the view amazing, it is right on the water (why didn’t I take a picture?).

CowboyRibEye

Here is what I had:

Composed “BLT” Salad
Iceberg Lettuce with Green Goddess Dressing
Grilled Slab Bacon & Beef Steak Tomatoes

Aged & Grilled Cowboy Rib Eye
with Sauce Béarnaise, Brown Sugar & Cayenne Crust

Creamed Spinach and Potato Gratin

Carnaroli Risotto – Wild Mushrooms and Red Wine Syrup

Crispy Cauliflower – Nuoc Cham Butter

3 desserts (on my birthday only 1 wouldn’t do it)

Warm Valrhona Chocolate Cake
Grand Marnier Ice Cream & Orange Confit

Frozen Caramel Soufflé
Served with Warm Cardamom Donuts

Pistachio Dariole with Chocolate
Pistachio Mousse & Milk Chocolate Ice Cream

Perhaps I overate 🙂 It is now 2 pm the following day and I still haven’t been able to eat a thing – not even my beloved bread and butter for breakfast!

I even passed on the traditional Crumbs cupcake we normally get at the office – I took a rain check and will have them when I come back from my trip.

Tonight I am going to another awesome restaurant, well I think it will be awesome, but I wasn’t told where we are going yet.  I hope to have my appetite back by then.

Tomorrow I am off to Brazil!!! On Sunday we will be having a barbecue to celebrate our birthday, followed by the most awesome chocolate cake one can ever dream of!

Did I ever tell you how crazy good are the bakeries and cake stores in Brazil? They are divine!

I just got a surprise delivery from Blissful Brownies!! I love surprises!  It came from this guy I dated probably 6/7 years ago and all of a sudden he calls me at the office last week.  I haven’t seen him yet and I am trying to remember why I broke up with him.  I asked him and he says that I told him that I had too much going on in my life and needed time to work things out and then I just never called him again. I don’t remember any of it.  I remember he is younger than I am, so maybe that is the reason, but I would have told him that.

Oh well, at any rate, now I will probably have to give him the courtesy of buying me a dinner/drink! One thing I know is if it didn’t work back then it is probably not going to work now – I am older, wiser, know what I want and my standards are much higher!

This post should be entitled Food, Food and more Food!!  Oh well it is my birthday after all, so today I am choosing to focus on the gift of my life and how blessed I am!

I will worry about work issues, hip pain, refinancing gone wrong, and other headaches tomorrow.

Today is party time!

HIP HIP HOORAY!!!

21 Thursday Mar 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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Nothing like pain to stop someone on their tracks!

The pain on my right hip has gotten so bad that I decided to take February off from most of my physical activities to see if my hip would get better (or good enough to be able to ski in February) on its own.  Since then I have been doing only Pilates, although skipping some exercises.  That worked somewhat well since I was able to goes skiing at the end of February.  By 3 pm everyday my hip would remind me that skiing was coming for an end for the day.  Still I had so much fun and was grateful for being able to ski at all.

I have always felt that my right hip was not really right, but it never bothered me enough to go to a doctor.  But I would joke, every now and then, that I would eventually have a hip replacement (and every time I said I would cringe and admonish myself, and I don’t want to give the Universe any ideas).  Everythign changed for the worst when I started volunteering. I enjoyed the manual labor and the cleaning and clearing out stuff so much I overdid.  Cleaning it is kind of cathartic to me, I feel better and lighter after it, even if the stuff I am getting rid of is not mine – lol

So this nagging hip and shoulder pain has been around since the end of last year.  I stop the volunteering and hoped that that would do the trick, but I guess the damage was already done.  Now that it started to interfere with my life I realized it was time to seek help.

I went to a neurologist at the Hospital for Joint Diseases.  This doctor was very well recommended… well the number one recommended doctor didn’t take my insurance, so he was the next best 🙂 After a consultation and x-rays, the doctor calls me and tells me that the x-rays shows nothing wrong with my hip.

I didn’t know if I should be happy or sad with that news. I know something is wrong, I feel it, and the pain is hard to ignore.  The doctor thinks it is perhaps a soft tissue problem and recommended I go to one of his colleagues, a Sports Medicine Orthopedic Surgeon.

I have not made an appointment yet. I am scheduled to go to Brazil next week (yippie!), so I decided to deal with that when I return.  I am also thinking about going to a chiropractor first before going this doctor.

Hopefully resting my hip as I have been will continue to help.

This has been and will continue to be a tremendous exercise in patient and perseverance.  Patience with my body and staying the course after a stumble.

I was so happy with my physical activities and that  its results on my body.  I guess with that came the feeling of  strength and invincibility which normally shows itself when I am feeling mighty good about myself.  When I feel invincible I tend to overdo it and disrespect nature and myself. Then, this very patient teacher called Life steps in, and once again, attempts to teach me to listen and respect my body.

Life also uses this opportunity to test my patience and ability to persevere. Am I going to fall apart now and revert to couch potato sugar eating junkie?  Or am I just going to weather this storm and continue slowly but surely towards my goal of a life of moderation, equal parts of fun and hard-work?

I want my chocolate cake and eat it too! I want to do all in moderation and not feel I am depriving myself of anything.  I want to exercise, but also watch tv and eat a chocolate chip cookie.  To me it is dangerous to veer off too much to one side versus the other.

And speaking of cake, as I am turning 47 next week, the age factor is also weighing heavily on me. Can I still do everything I want to do (tennis, skiing, and a lot more new things) or am I just showing up too late for this party?

I don’t know what my body will be able to accomplish until I try it.  I am going to put age and pain aside and work smart and steady.  I am not going down without a fight!! 🙂

Be good to your hip!

Guess what?? I have changed my mind!

15 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I did what I said I would never do! I signed up for e-harmony again! (Another wonderful thing about me: I allow myself to change my mind!!)

Even when you are no longer a member at e-harmony you still get emails from them with matches that want to get to know you, so one of them peaked my interest enough to want to check it out.

I have been casually dating someone, but he and I know this relationship is not going to get anywhere.  He is a great guy, but the age difference and the different priorities in life are too much for us to overlook.   Still we enjoy going out to dinner and sharing a bottle of wine every once in awhile.

This time e-harmony has been a very different experience then last time. I am still using the same profile I had but now I am getting many more matches and more of them interested in talking to me.  So, so far quantity is good, as far as quality we shall see. I think it has to do with my being open to the experience and not just wanting to find someone to replace Ex.

I went on one date with a great guy at a great restaurant, great conversation, but no chemistry on my side.  He wants a second date, but I said no.  There was one date which was just weird (I will write about in an upcoming post).   I have canceled 2 dates after I had already agreed on them, I really knew it wouldn’t work so I didn’t want to waste their time and my perfume.  And I am exchanging emails with a few interesting guys, so to me this has been a success already. (talk about low expectations- lol)

I think everything in life is a question of timing.  I believe in Divine Timing and I know that things will happen when they are meant to happen and if they are meant to happen.  The worst that could happen to me is that I end up alone, and that,  I have to tell you, is not bad at all because I adore my own company! 🙂  But with that being said, I think having a partner is much more fun.  So, until Divine Timing happens and that amazing guy knocks on my door,  I will play Master of my own Destiny and use whatever tools I have at my disposal to look for that special someone. 

I enjoy the fact that with e-harmony I am able to meet people from all walks of life.

Please don’t understand this post as an endorsement for e-harmony or any other online dating.  I am just saying that it works for me as a distraction and it helps me feel that I am in control (there I go again with that illusion that I am in control of anything) of my dating situation.

And if you do decide on an online dating site, the key word is safety! I don’t give my phone number or address to anyone. If something feels weird I stop communication immediately.  I listen to my gut!!

The moment I think a guy warrants a second date then that will be the end of my romance with Mr. Too Young (I told him about e-harmony).  It wouldn’t be right or fair to anyone involved, and I am not one to be juggling men! Well I never tried, perhaps I could be a natural… just kidding!!!

In the meantime EX emails again persisting on letting me know he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to see him, and still professing his love for me.  He is not talking about getting back together (not that I would, I just find it hilarious that he continuous to say that he loves me deeply while with a new girlfriend in his arms.)    I no longer have the energy to try to explain it, so I just continue to say: no, thank you!

Peace!

Mosaic Workshop

11 Monday Mar 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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That is how I spent my Sunday, at a mosaic workshop in Stamford, CT.

I learned some great techniques and got the name of some materials to use.  I am definitely glad I went, but

one of the hardest parts for me was to be concentrating on one task for many hours straight.  I am the type of person that gravitates from task to task.  I also like to see results quickly, so it was such an exercise in focus and patience!

I didn’t even stop for lunch because I wanted to just get the project finished.  Quitting was not an option, so finishing it as fast as I could was.  Perhaps that means that mosaics are not the craft for me, but I like to believe that it just means that I need to learn how to slow down and how to be more focused. I also think that focus and talent are 2 different things.

and here is the final product:

Mosaic Project

My mom collects owls so I will be surprising her with this masterpiece (for some reason I can’t correct the orientation of the picture)

Of course right now I can think of many things that I could have done better, but still I am very proud of my owls!

Happy 1st Birthday to my blog!

07 Thursday Mar 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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Congratulations are in order – my blog is 1 year old!!!!

So it is about time that it stops crawling and babbling and it starts walking and talking! But instead of progressing my blog seems to be regressing.  Ever the positive one, I see it as a good sign, a sign that I don’t need this security blanket anymore, I no longer need to write or I will explode.

Now I just want to write for the pure simple pleasure of writing!

My blog has identity crisis.  It doesn’t know what it wants to be when it grows up, actually my blog doesn’t want to grow up.  I think it is afraid of growing up.  It doesn’t want to take a stand, it just wants to be.

I have been absent – it is a fact! Things happened –  unplanned and some planned, and a bit of just pure laziness have kept me from posting.

I will not go through all that has been happening, as it would turn into a real long and boring post, instead I will just say that there has been:

Apartment flood issues (yes again, but this time at my rental.  My tenant was in a hotel for over 1 month, dare I say things are back to normal now?)

Refinance issues (the bank want what? the shoe size of my neighbor when I was 5 years old?  oh that seems reasonable! lol will it ever be finished?)

Regulatory issues at work – endless audits and questions. Not knowing if we will ever be compliant enough to be in business is very stressful, April 1 deadline looming closer and closer.

Personal issues -why can’t my mind and my body agree to be nice to each other? it is such an eternal battle.

Medical issues -Zumba and yoga put on hold, until doctors figure out why the right side of my body decided to revolt! x-rays and more x-rays here I come.

Ex issues – well this is not new, after all he is the reason this blog was born. But it never fails,  whenever I am starting to forget him he contacts me to ask me out.  Now the excuse is him wanting to take me out to celebrate my birthday at the end of the month. My reply: No thank you!

Vacation!!!! Thank God for time off and the chance to recover, renew and renovate.

I have navigated and I am still navigating all of those issues beautifully.

The following has helped me navigate these troubled waters:

Stopping and breathing!

Not saying everything that comes to mind when it comes to mind! (tough, tough, tough, such an exercise in restraint!)

Don’t say yes, when you really want to say no!

Knowing that nothing is worth a stress induced ulcer!

At the end of the day I know I am loved and blessed, constant self reminders are key not to lose focus!

What doesn’t kill me it will indeed make me stronger!

People have issues and whatever their reactions are it is not about me!

In vacation and in life, don’t sweat the small stuff!

Here are a few pictures of Snowmass, CO!  Awesome skiing!! Even after being sidelined a day with altitude sickness, I loved it!

DSCN0036 DSCN0015

I have attempted to describe the beauty of it to friends, but it is impossible! You have to be there and see it with your own eyes.  Just majestic!!

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ps. Chief – Happy 8th birthday! You are the best dog in the world and I love you!! I may never see you again but you are always in my heart and prayers!  May St. Francis of Assisi guard and protect you always!

Chief's new toy

What letter am I? Listening to that nagging feeling!

09 Saturday Feb 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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What am I?  C, H or O?

Caucasian, Hispanic or Other?  How do I classify myself today?

Due to new regulations in my industry I needed to get my fingerprints done.  When filling out the form I encountered a question that I encounter often and it stumps me every time.

Race

What am I?  Well, I am Brazilian!  But that is never one of the options to choose from.

I normally just put down whatever they tell me, if I am completing it in front of someone.

But this time when the girl at the front desk there, who happens to be Hispanic, told me to put H I hesitated, but I did it.  She then started speaking Spanish to me as if to validate the idea that I am an H.   I wrote down H and then immediately regretted.   I said I am not Hispanic because I don’t speak Spanish.   I am Latina, because I am from Latin America.  She goes: same difference.

No, Madam, not to me!  I have nothing against being Hispanic or any other race for that matter, but it is not my race.  To say I am an H would be like putting me in this little box in which I don’t fit.  So I changed that H to an O.  Because I had written in pen and couldn’t erase it, after changing it it wasn’t really clear what letter it was.  So maybe that is what really best defines me, not an H, not an O , not really any specific letter but a combination of them.

I have traces of Black and Brazilian Indian from my mother’s side and White European (Portuguese descent) from my father’s side in my veins.  So I think I need a new category, perhaps All of the Above, Mixed or Mishmash.

But for the record from now on I am an O…  and proud of it!!

Listen to your dreams and that nagging feeling!

That same night I had a very vivid dream with the man that did my fingerprints.  He had been very nice and very talkative, asking me questions about Brazil during my appointment.

In my dream he was talking so much that he forgot to do 3 fingers on the second set of prints.  The next morning  I was surprised that I remembered the dream vividly (I never do), so the first thing I did when I walked into the office was to look at the set of fingerprints and confirm that all fingers were accounted for.  And they were!

But still I had a feeling that something was not right.  There was something telling me that something was off.  So for the 5th time I reopened the envelope and look at it again and aha! I noticed that he had not signed or dated the form.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  It felt good to have that uneasy feeling go away.

The best part is that I didn’t have to go all the way back to his office.  He felt bad about it and came to my office to sign it.

I know this is a minor unimportant detail and that I am extrapolating, but to me it reinforced the idea that we should always listen to our inner voices and gut feelings; that all the answers we seek are already within us if you look closely enough.  To me it also means I have to learn to be okay with silence and stillness so I can hear it and notice details, so I can hear and notice me and my body (heart, mind and soul) guiding me.