Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Day 7: I carry it in my heart

29 Monday Oct 2012

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I go through Grand Central Station every week day and it is normally a obstacle course trying to navigate it among the commuters and tourists.

Today it was very different.  This evening Grand Central Station was a ghost town with guards standing at the doors just letting people out and informing the people trying to get in that the station is closed.

I feel odd today.  I am not sure what to think.  Is this Hurricane Sandy a sure thing or just media hype? It feels weird leaving my apartment and my brand new table behind. Is everything going to be there in a couple of days when I return?

I am feeling weird sitting alone in a hotel room in New York City.  I am staying in Manhattan to be close to work since the trains stopped 7 pm tonight.  I am trying not to let the victim in me come out.  I am trying not to feel so alone in the most populous city in the USA.  At times like this is very hard not to feel all alone in the world. I need to snap out of it.

My favorite show, Amazing Race is on.  Today they are in Bangladesh, and seeing some of the day laborers working in such poor conditions, and seeing all the kids on the street with huge smiles on their faces snaps me out of the “poor me” mentality real quick.  I am blessed for so many reasons.  I have so many reasons to smile. More than the material comforts I have been blessed with a rich soul and a rich heart.

I know how to appreciate everything I have, specially my breath.  Having life is the greatest gift of all and that is enough!  So, to spend even a minute feeling sorry for myself it would be such a waste of precious time.   I don’t need to have people physically right next to me to know that I am loved.  My family is in my heart and in my thoughts and I am in theirs.

To quote E. E. Cummings:

“i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)”

 

hhhh

Day 4: All I want to hear is: I am sorry!

25 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am thinking that this itching could be emotional.

The sad truth is that lately I have been thinking about Ex too much. No, I don’t want him still or anything like that, but I still cannot get over the fact that he never acknowledged his wrongdoings.  He never acknowledged that his actions were disrespectful and hurtful.

All I want is a “I am sorry”,  that is it!

But I know better! I know I will never get that! So why can’t I let it go?

I guess this being the 1 Year Anniversary of when everything fell apart doesn’t help either.

I still don’t understand what happened and where did the so called “love” go!

I know that I cannot move forward until I let go of the past! And I had thought I had!  But I guess that is how the grieving process goes, some times you have to go back to a stage that you thought you were done with.

***

The worst doctor ever gave me a dosage of 10mg of a prescription that according to my pediatrician friend she gives 4 times that to babies.  No wonder the itching has continued!!

***

On a bright note,  I have a fun date tonight. I am going to the Counting Crows concert with this guy that I have been seeing for the past 2 months.  It is not serious as the age difference is a bit too much, but it is serious in the sense that we are not seeing other people.

****

The cartoon below doesn’t reflect my situation but it was too funny to pass it up!

 

Day 3: Sorry Pilates, I will see you Sunday!

24 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Yesterday, against what my body was asking for I went to a Yoga class followed by a Zumba class.

I am all for listening to my body, but lately all it has been asking for is sweets and tv so sometimes I have to put my food down. I figure exercise will help release some toxins and if nothing else will make me forget about the itching for a couple of hours.

 

I am happy I went. The itching didn’t get better but my mood improved!

 

This morning I gave in and went to a doctor. I didn’t go to my regular doctor. I went to Docs, a walk-in place right next to my office. I had been there before and had a good experience, but this morning I had the absolute worst doctor. He kept me waiting forever, paid half attention to what I was saying, would walk in and out of the examining room for long periods of time. I was getting so frustrated and being PMS time everything was taking an extra dimension. I had to stop breath and talk myself out of making a scene.

So finally they drew some blood and gave me a prescription for steroids and now I am back at work.

If you ever had hives, you know that the darn thing travels throughout your body. It has been mostly on my stomach, breasts and thighs, but today it decided to concentrate on my arms and upper back! Lord have mercy!!! I feel like screaming!!!

So tonight I am skipping Pilates. But it is for a very good cause. I am getting my hair and nails done! I love being a girl!!

Day 2: A bunch of nothing

23 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I realize that having to write something every day will have me writing about day to day mundane stuff.   That is a little tough for me, to feel that I am writing about nothing.  I guess I will become the Seinfeld of the blogging world – haha.  A blog about nothing!

So you can look forward to a post about socks disappearing in the washer and my not being able to find my car in a parking lot!

So here is today’s nothingness:

I had a piece of delicious pound cake with butter for breakfast – yes I know better!  I know that I need to stay away from cake and all its carb relatives, but thinking about it makes me crave carbs more!

I am still itching like crazy.  Today I didn’t take Benadryl as it didn’t really help yesterday and it was making me so drowsy that is impossible to concentrate on any work.

So, the plan is, if it doesn’t get better by tomorrow morning I will be walking to the Docs located in the building next door. At least their location is convenient!

I need to get better by Thursday as I have this great night to look forward to!  I am going to see the Counting Crows at the Roseland Ballroom and then will stay at this great hotel complete with a rooftop bar.  Everything promises to be an amazing evening, so I better not be itching or it will put a big damper on the night.

Until tomorrow …

 

 

Daily Writing: A new challenge starts today!

22 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I need a new challenge now that my “1 Year without chocolate”  is coming to an end.  I know that a perfect new challenge would be to just cut out sugar, but honestly that idea is totally out of question.

So my new challenge is to write/post something every single day – even if it is just one line.

I hope this challenge will get me in tune with the writer in me again.  I love that person much better than this “non-writing” person!

I have been extremely lazy when it comes to this blog.  Some may see it as a good sign.  A sign that my heart is healed so I no longer have the need to write or I will explode.  Well, it is partly true, I no longer feel like exploding, but I am not sure my heart will ever be 100% healed.

Moving on …

When am I going to start? No better time than the present!

So here we go to 365 days of daily writing.  Prepare to be bored to tears on some (most) days!

October 22nd , 2012

What am I going to write today? What makes today special?

Hives makes today special!

I have hives all over my stomach and chest area since last night.  I have no idea where they are coming from.  I don’t think I am under any stress and I have not eaten anything other than my usual.

I am so drowsy sitting here at work now.  I have just taken a second Benadryl – which doesn’t seem to be working! It is only making me feel more tired than what I already am.

Perhaps this hives attack is serving to make me look at everything in my life, from my food intake to my stress level, etc.  It will certainly force me to start the food journal that I have been planning forever.

I was going to take a Zumba class tonight at 6, but now I am thinking that I should take a nap instead. 🙂

It is my hope that they will disappear quickly as they appeared.

Day 1 completed!

 

What I have been up to lately …

28 Friday Sep 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I have been silent – here! In non-virtual life I still talk too much, volunteer and share too much! 🙂  I guess hurting over still loving Ex was providing me with the inspiration/motivation to write.  Once love turned to anger and now to plain nothingness the urge and need to write or I will explode is no longer here.

I still love the written word and wish to find the motivation from within and from daily life to continue blogging.

I lurk around some of my favorite blogs but can’t even seem to muster motivation to comment or even like, perhaps I have been trying to disappear?? At moments like this I wish I had a therapist on speed dial that I could call and ask!

Here is a quick update of my life:

Mom is in town visiting from Brazil, so my routine has been totally changed.  I am exercising less and eating more, which as everyone knows it is not a great combination!!   Mom believes that food is love, so rejecting her food is the same as rejecting her love.  As the good daughter that I am I just eat and say how good everything is!

We have already spent a weekend at Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods Casinos in CT.   We didn’t lose too much so that to me is winning!  We have already done more shopping than will fit in her luggage.  And somehow any time I take her shopping I end up buying more than she does.  A Broadway show and The Museum of Natural History will be next!

The Ex got wind that my mother is in town and has e-mailed me to take us out to dinner.  I have continued to remain silent and ignore it. Still it is annoying the fact that he thinks all is fine enough to go out and have dinner together! Clueless!

Work is work.  No challenges and mysteries any more.  Too predictable at times, it can be boring but there is some comfort in the same old same old.

I continue to do Pilates twice a week and still adore it, even though some times in the middle of an exercise I feel more like crying and giving up.  I continue to hit tennis balls against a wall and take lessons every now and then as weather and my instructor’s schedule permits.

I have not returned to Zumba, for now I do it at home.  I turn on youtube, put on my favorite short shorts and just dance like a wild woman in my living room.  I make sure to close the curtains as not to scare any of my neighbors.

My mosaic project is still in the middle and my French has also stalled.  Will go back to it, but lately not much into forcing myself to do anything I don’t want to! 🙂

I have been seeing a much younger man.  I don’t want to call it dating; in fact I am not sure what to call it.  Yes I know all that is wrong with it!   I am taking it one day at a time and trying not to think too much about it or make too many plans.  I like spending time with him and for now that is enough for me.  I am living the right now and allowing myself not to think of the future.  I know it will not last forever – nothing does!!

I may wake up tomorrow and decide that I want a commitment, but for now dinners out and movie nights are exactly what the doctor ordered.

Lucky me! I saw Ex and got to meet the new girlfriend! :(

10 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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As I had mentioned before I had  been staying away from the US Open this year for fear of running into Ex. We share a loge box so we would be seated together if I went and used my seats.  The only day that I thought I was safe to go was on the second Friday which is the Women’s Semi Final’s day because no one cares to watch that.  He has never attended it.

So on Friday morning I was having a very frustrating day at work and with some additional personal problems that I was getting nowhere in trying to get resolved I decide to just leave it behind and go to the Open.  I still had the tickets, because as I mentioned you can’t give them away, let alone sell it. So I decided to go.

I get there and I am sitting and enjoying the match when all of a sudden there is a tap on my shoulder as someone says my name.  I turn around and I am face to face with Ex.  I think I stopped breathing for a second. I was shell shocked.  He said: How are you? I said fine thanks. He says to the woman sitting next to him: I recognized her by the ring!  I was wearing this big blue daisy cocktail ring.

And of course the woman next to him is the new girlfriend.  He points to her and says to me: this is M. Of course I knew her name but had never seen her face.  She extended her hand, I shook it and said hello, smiled and immediately turned to the front to continue watching the game.  I was shaking. I had a million emotions go through me in the space of seconds. To have 2 of the last people you ever want to see sitting behind you is very disconcerting.  He tapped me again on the shoulder and said he was going to get water if I wanted anything.  humm, do I want anything? Can you give me a order of you and your girlfriend disappearing from my face?

I have to say that this new girlfriend strikes me as being a good person, probably too good for him. I felt like warning her. But of course it is none of my business. I truly wish them both happiness, I just don’t want to witness it.

I didn’t last long sitting there.  I gathered my stuff got up and left without making eye contact. I stood outside recomposing myself. I think I was outside for 15 minutes deciding if I would go home or not.  I decided to return and do what I had intended from the beginning: watch a game that I love.

I went back and sat down and concentrated on the game.  After awhile I heard them leaving and I thanked heaven.  But after 1 hr they returned. But by then I was doing better.  Until she gets up and goes somewhere and he taps me on the shoulder to make small talk.  He asks me how my tennis is going. I try as best as I could to form some coherent sentence. I said something about tennis lessons going well, then I said lessons were over.  I felt my speech slurred.  Thank God the game re-stared and I turned around to watch it.  But at that moment when I turned around, I could feel the tears flooding my eyes and I fought hard not to start crying.  I was successful.

When the game was over we all got up and again he tapped my arm and said bye and she said nice to meet you and honestly I don’t remember if I  said anything back or not.

Later that night he sends me a text:

“You look great and it was very nice to see you.  I am sorry if I said or did anything that made you uncomfortable.  There were so many things I want to talk to you about but I will refrain until you tell me it is ok, love you, good night.”

I saw his text the following morning and immediately it hit me and I managed to control the tears.  I know it is okay to cry but lately I am trying to hold back unless I am facing my wailing wall http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/09/06/1327/ .  Each time I cry it feels I am giving him power.  I know that the tears now have a different meaning.  They are no longer tears of sadness and longing.  It is mostly tears of anger.

I tried my best not to reply.  I reached out to the one person that I felt would understand me best without judging any of my feelings.  I felt he would set me straight and convince me to continue to remain silent.  He was not available!  That is the problem with relying on others for strength.  What happens when they are not available or willing? So from now on complete reliance in me and the God within me!

So unfortunately I replied.  I know, I know, that was a temporary step back on my progress. But now it is done. And I cannot undo the past.

Here is the stupidity that I replied to him last night:

“If you only knew the extent of my pain! I don’t know from where the tears still come from.  You two look happy together! I wish you both only the best! May she make you happy like I was not able to! May you respect her like you you did not respect me!”

After 10 minutes I added: (yep, mistake number 2)

“I just wish I could understand what happened with the love you said you had for me.”

I sent the texts and went to bed crying.  I cried myself to sleep! I promise it is the last time!!

Of course he has not replied!  and I am okay with that.  I didn’t expect he would.  He doesn’t like to be questioned.  Any time I had any questions he would go into avoidance and silence mode. Yep, those should have been big clues.  I am also happy and relieved that he didn’t reply because I shouldn’t be having any conversations with him.

And of course I know better than to reply to him!  I know that he doesn’t know what love is! I know that he has no conscience of how he disrespected me!  And the most important:  It does not matter what answers he may be able to give me! Nothing will change!  I am over and done with that part of my life! I am better! In fact I should really thank him for letting me go.

***

But I think that all these happenings help me to continue to move forward!  Even if replying to his text was a mistake, I am not dwelling on that!

Amid all the pain and tears this weekend I had great moments!  I watched some great tennis matches!

Also I went out to dinner with a great guy.  We have gone out several times now and it has been a lot fun! Since I don’t want to jinx it I will refrain from writing too much about it at this moment!

I may end up having to eat my words when I wrote this:  http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/10-reasons-not-to-date-a-younger-guy/

(all images from Google images)

 

My personal Wailing Wall

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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US Open Tennis is one of my favorite times of the year; but this year is different.  There are still too many memories there.  Memories can be such a double edged sword.  I feel blessed God gave me memory so I can look back and reflect how blessed I have been.  But reflecting on good times can be painful.  Are my memories correct?  Was I that happy? Was I that in love?  Was it all just an illusion?  Did I just dream everything up?

***

My personal Wailing wall

Every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes an evening during the week I go to a Middle School on the other side of my town to hit balls against a wall.  It is crazy that I haven’t been able to find a hitting partner, but I try not to dwell on that and be happy that at least I have this wall.

I found this wall right in the beginning of the break up.  It was a time when I was in unbelievable pain. I was feeling sorry and sad for myself.  It was a pain over the loss of Ex, the love, the house, the life I once knew.  I was lost and trying not to fall apart.  I was still trying to figure out how to reconstruct my life and was feeling like I would never feel whole again (truth be told I still wonder about that!)

Originally I felt this wall was a replacement for the backboard, tennis court and partner/instructor that I had. I felt blessed to have found a substitute.  But I realized this wall has became much more than that! This wall has become more than an inanimate object; it has become a friend and therapist.  It has become a constant source of support in my life – it is amazing the things that may sustain us in times of need.

This separation/break up seems like such an endless pain. It ebbs and flows.  When I think I am fully recovered it hits me again.    All of a sudden, a word, a picture, a smell, anything will trigger the memories and the feeling of pain and loss.  Lately anger has started to make an appearance too.

As a partner, the wall is the best because it returns every single ball!  As a therapist it listens and gives me the space and silence to figure out the answers myself.  As a friend it is always there for me whenever I need it without requiring anything back.

This wall is my own personal Wailing Wall.  I cry, I lament the loss of the relationship and all the perks that I had with the relationship.  I wine, I explain and rationalize.  I say everything I won’t dare say to anybody else.  After all, it has been 10 months; I should be over this already.  I don’t think anyone cares to hear anything else about it anymore.  Frankly I myself cannot stand to think of him and his name again.  It gets to a point that you realize that life doesn’t stop and wait for you to get over it.  I feel I should be embarrassed to be mentioning it again, when it should be just history and just a faint memory.

And yet, every time I am alone with my thoughts hitting balls against the wall I find myself going back to the same unanswered question:  What happened?

Things have gotten better over the months; I noticed the crying and lamenting slowing down and giving way to just happiness and newness.  The wall has now become my confidant and as such it is just the best. It welcomes everything I say with absolutely no judgment.

So this post is giving credit to another lifesaver, which along with blogging(bloggers), my sister and a few friends has pulled me up when I was down.

Our interaction goes something like this:

I get there and start hitting against it! I start thinking of the tennis court I used to have, and then I think of the lies and disrespect.  I get sad (and lately angry) and I start crying, then I realize that I cannot see the ball clearly through tears.  I tell myself that I need to snap out of it!  I realize that 2 minutes of crying is more than enough.  I wipe my tears away and concentrate on my hitting.  I start counting my blessings one by one! I have the feeling of gratitude fill me and my mood is completely restored.

I long for the day that I will have no memories of and about Ex.

Thank you Wall for what you have done and continue to do for me!

Why am I judging? … am I perfect?

15 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am a work in progress, and sometimes it feels like there is so much work to be done!!

Today I find myself being very judgmental! I am ashamed of that! Who am I do judge anyone? Who is anyone to judge anyone?

Of course I know better, but sometimes thoughts creep in even,  and before I know it I am forming opinions and judging based on those opinions.   The moment I catch myself doing that I admonish myself!

Case 1) I passed a beggar (I hate that word!) on the street.  He was a man probably in his early 40s, other than missing half of a leg he seemed to be in great health.  He is standing on the corner of 30th Street and Madison Avenue and he is shaking a paper cup that sounds like there are couple of coins in it!

I had noticed him approaching me and extending his cup.  The first thing I noticed about him was how young and health looking he appeared.  I would probably just walk on by, were not for the light turning red.

Standing there waiting for the light to turn green gave me a chance to have all sorts of thoughts and pass all kinds of judgment.

a)      I felt blessed for having both of my legs.

b)      I sympathized with him since my own father had to have his leg amputated due to a battle with cancer, which by the way he won!  Cancer took his leg, but not his life!

c)       But unfortunately I also judged him.  After watching Oscar Pistorius running on the Olympics without both legs why is this guy not working? Perhaps a better question is why am I comparing this man standing on a corner with an elite athlete?

I have to remind myself that each one of us are born with our own crosses to bear.  Some find strength in the difficulty, welcome the challenge and thrive. Other’s use their shortcomings as a crutch, an excuse to give up on life; while still other’s try their hardest but cannot overcome the cards they are dealt.

I reached in my purse and pulled some cash and gave to him, and by now the light having turned green I went on my way.  I am ashamed to say that I now realized that I never looked into his eyes and face.  I gave money to make myself feel better, but I never gave him the respect that he deserved as a fellow human being sharing this earth with me.  I thank God for giving me the wisdom to understand the wrong in my actions. I promise to do better next time, to be more thoughtful, more human!

Case 2) A friend needs my financial help.  It is not the first time and, sadly, it will not be his last.  I am going to help him, because this person is like a brother to me and if I had only 1 last dollar left I would share with him.  But I wish I could just help and not pass judgment.  I am helping but I felt the need to point out how I would have done things differently and had to have all kinds of questions on the way he is spending his money.  I fail to grasp that I have been blessed with a great job and haven’t had to endure the kind of employment problems he has had.

I should either help and let it go or just not help.  I know that!  And yet I can’t!

Case 3) Yesterday I am in the train at the end of the day when I get a call from work from a my assistant and from a couple of the brokers telling me that the internet is down and asking how to find and connect the wi-fi.  I see myself getting incensed.  First, I had made a point of telling my assistant where the wi-fi was and how to use it so that she would be ready if need be.  Second, they failed to contact our internet provider and to check our equipment in the server room, which should have been steps 1 and 2 before anything else.

And then I have to remember that we all can forget things.  I have to remind myself that I have caught myself forgetting about details that I should known better.  But my assistant is not perfect, and neither am I!

Case 4) Also in the train last night there was this woman speaking so loud.  Just so happen that she was Brazilian and I could understand everything she was saying.  She was badmouthing someone on the phone.  I was getting so aggravated by everything about her, her voice, what she was saying.  Why talk so loud? Is she clueless?  She is a couple of rows ahead to me so I cannot see her, just hear her.

Then I get up to exit and catch sight of her.  She was extremely obese and I think: instead of badmouthing someone so loudly on the phone she should be exercising!!

One would think that I am a soft spoken skinny girl.  Wrong on both counts!  I have to control my voice when excited about a topic or when angry.  The scale is not my friend, we have engaged in terrible battles!

Case 5) Of course I have to mention the Ex.  I long for the day that I will have no feelings about him.  I want him to be “just someone I knew”.  Lately I am mostly angry and judgmental when I think of him. How dare he do the things he did? Why continue to lie about it and behave as nothing happened?

I need to stop judging him and his actions.  Nothing will change the past. And I don’t even want to change anything.  I have learned a lot and I am much better off now.  Still my mind drifts to the past, outraged at his actions, his words, his lies.

What makes me want to be judge and jury some times?  Is that to forget about my own shortcomings?  Do I think I am superior, better than others? Do I do it innocently?

I guess all of the above.  I am trying to learn more about me and the world around me.  The more I learn the more I realize there is so much more to learn and so much more for me to do in the quest to a better self.

Still I am being positive and thinking that coming to the realization that I can be too judgmental at times is a huge step in the right direction.  I cannot control the thoughts that come into my mind, but I can control my actions as a result of those thoughts!

An open letter to my Friend … Letting go of pain and fear and embracing the moment!

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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(this started as an e-mail to my friend after a long conversation last night.  

Dear Friend, this is to you, and to me, and to all in pain!)

I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words.  But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. I wish I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.

I hope one day to come up with a magic word that will snap you out of the past and into the present. Until then I will keep trying with the weapons I have: brutal honesty peppered with humor all enveloped in love.

I wish I could just give you a hug and hold you for a long time and be held by you for a long time.  I want to be like that as day turns into night and then into day again. I just think that you need to be handled with love and care like I do. And I am not talking about sex (even though, that probably wouldn’t be so bad either), I am just talking human touch and connection.  Just that feeling of somebody being there for you – no words necessary!

I don’t know the extent of your hurt and your pains from the past, but I know that is holding you back from being in the present and looking to a future.  I don’t want to compare my pain with your pain.  We all hurt in different ways and different degrees.  We all deal with it in different ways.  I really have no business telling you what to do, how to react and how to feel.  But being a friend allows me no other choice.  I have to tell you how I feel.

.. and in writing this to you I realize I am also writing it to myself!

I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME.  I don’t want anything from you.  I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! That is why I make the most stupid jokes, all in an attempt to hear your laughter!

I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion.  You have morals and lives by them! What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, fallible, caring and sensitive.

I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past!

I want you to stop fearing your future! Live the now in full!  Be here completely now!

You are not your past and your past is not you! Right now you can decide who you want to be and what life and future you want.

Respect the pain! Don’t run away or try to bury your past: expose it, confront it, feel it, cry it, mourn it, forgive it, and then let it go! Stop dragging it around with you.  It is such a heavy baggage and it has no place in your present and future.

Forgive the people that hurt you in the past!  Only when you forgive them, you are able to leave them where they belong:  in the past.  Let them be just a page on your big book of life. You have no idea of the pain that they could be carrying themselves.  Whatever they did to you it was not because of you but because of their own pains and their inabilities of dealing with it and communicating their needs. Wish them well, pray for them.  I still pray for Ex and wish him only the best in life. The peace that I get whenever I send him good thoughts is priceless to me.  It frees me.  It pacifies my heart!

Forgive yourself! Even if you think that you caused yourself pain in the past or that somehow you did something to deserve it, realize that you are a flawed human being. You will make mistakes every now and then – making mistakes is part of our growing.  The key here is to acknowledge it, learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go!

Believe in God without any question! Believe that there is a reason for everything, even in the hurt.  If you believe that God is a loving and merciful God than what do you fear? What do you doubt?  Pray, meditate, talk to God, tell him your fears, place your fears in his hands and let it go!

Be grateful! Remember to thank God for the goodness he has blessed you with.  Remember to be thankful for everything you have in life. Be grateful for your health and the health of family members, for the job you have, for the house you live in and the car you drive.  Be grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and the benefits of the rain, for the food you just had and for the smile of a stranger!

Pain is necessary and unavoidable! The pain was necessary to get you to where you are today!  But it is your choice to wallow in self pity or gain strength from it and move on.  And don’t get me wrong, the future won’t be only love and joy, you will probably get hurt again, but that is called living!  If were not for the bad, the good wouldn’t have any flavor.

The best is yet to come. We both thought that our last relationships were amazing and the one that we were destined to be with, but guess what? Life has bigger and better things in store for us.  That was just an appetizer for the feast that lies ahead!

Am I just fooling myself?  Perhaps, but who really knows what the future holds? No one, but God (if you believe), so choose to live a life that is full of promise.  Concentrate on today and love and live the most that you can! Send to the Universe that idea the your future is so bright you will need sunglasses 24/7.

Hurt? Hurt is growing pains! Hurt is just the price that we have to pay for the ultimate happiness!

Stop looking for answers! Sometimes in life there are no answers.  People behave in the ways they behave and sometimes it makes no sense and there is no explanation.  Yes, they could have been honest and open and upfront about whatever was troubling them instead of blindsiding us with “we are over”.

See hardships as gifts! I totally believe that when people break up with us they are doing us a favor! Of course I wish the break up was different. Pain and hurt are there to makes us stronger.  It forces one to confront themselves and either fall apart or thrive!  It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves and be the best that we can be!  There is an unique lesson here and we need/want to make sure not to miss it!

Enjoy life-don’t let fear hold you back! I want you to go out and dance and date! Try again, as many times as necessary! (yeah I must admit this was a real tough one for me to write.  There is nothing I dread more than you finding someone and my dreams of ever meeting you and perhaps being more than friends will have to come to an end.  But when you love someone you have to put their needs ahead of your wants.)

LIVE! LOVE! AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, WHENEVER YOU CAN! That is my dream and hope for you!

(Thank you Ex for making my pain so unbearable that I started writing a blog so I would not explode. Were not for that, I would not have gotten back to my love of writing.  Were not for that I would not  have met so many great people that genuinely care and graciously offer their love in the form of comments. Were not for that I would have not met my Friend – the one that I am sure was part of my life in a previous existence.  He walked straight into my heart!. My heart doesn’t have an exit door!  Once you are in you are there to stay)