Category Archives: EX Files

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Learning to live without and with him!

The search for office space in Florida continues

13 Friday Sep 2024

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I have always said: I am never moving to Florida! And look at me now, moving to Florida!

I will still have an apartment in NY, but it is mostly because my sister is still there and she will use the it.

This weekend I am leaving the Airbnb and moving into our new condo. We are starting from scratch. We have to buy everything. But at this moment we are just getting the bare minimum, a mattress on the floor and a couple of plates.

We have to paint and want to make some other changes, but we won’t/can’t do anything until the outside renovation is completed.

With my move to Florida, my office is officially moving with me. I have not been having much luck looking for office space. Today was not different. Some are too small or too big, some are not in great condition or it is just too far.

I want to be able to walk or bike to the office. I may have to rethink that, and expand my search to longer than 15 minutes from home.

In the meantime, I have a signed contract for my other condo in NY. Finally, after so many misses, it looks like this sale will go through. Fingers crossed.

I want a simpler life, but right at this moment, it doesn’t seem that way. I am juggling so many things. I am not complaining though. I am immensely blessed and grateful.

I have always wanted to meet someone and start a life together. I am doing that. Michael and I definitely make each other’s life better.

“And suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” ― Meister Eckhart

At this very moment I choose to be happy – I will never have a chance to live this moment again!

02 Friday Feb 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I AM STILL CLEANING OUT MY DRAFTS FOLDER.  FROM 260 DRAFTS, I AM DOWN TO THE LAST 60 – YIPPIE – PROGRESS!!!

THIS IS FROM A TIME I WAS STILL STRUGGLING AFTER THE BREAK UP. AROUND 2014. I WAS STRUGGLING THINKING OF ALL I HAD LOST, INSTEAD OF APPRECIATING ALL I HAD.

THIS IS ME, REMINDING MYSELF TO BE GRATEFUL!

We have a saying in Brazil that goes like this: “Eu era feliz e nao sabia!”. It means: I was happy and didn’t know it!

To me, it means that, oftentimes we are too busy thinking about what we want and don’t have, to notice all the great stuff we have.

We let amazing sunrises and sunsets go bye unnoticed and unappreciated. We let simple amazing moments go by.

We take things for granted, not realizing how great life really is at the moment.  We take jobs for granted, we take people for granted, until they are gone.

We want happiness, but in the search of happiness, we miss happy moments. In search of destination, we miss the journey.  In search of results, I miss the beauty of the process.

The key to happiness, or perhaps I will not even go that far, but the key to a good life is to enjoy fully whatever you are doing in this exact moment.

I want to make sure I enjoy single life and all its goodness instead of the ‘victim’ in me feeling bad that I didn’t have any kids and,  that is now the holidays and my family is thousands miles away and,  I don’t have anyone to snuggle with at night.

I am looking at the good side of singlehood! Living alone, watching what I want when I want, eating or not eating,

I can do what I choose, when I choose, with whom I choose.  I don’t have to make excuses for anybody else.

The lesson: appreciate what you have at this very moment, no matter what it is. It doesn’t last.

At this very moment someone is wishing they were safe, warm, had something to eat.  At this very moment I am crying over someone that doesn’t care. How pathetic of me!

I need to stop, and realize that this moment is unique and wonderful.  At this very moment I choose to be happy.  I am learning to stop, breath and appreciate.

Some days are easy. Some days it takes a conscious effort to remember to cherish the details, to cherish the simple. Some days it takes effort to be grateful.

Welcome Pain! My door is open!

28 Sunday Jan 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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THIS WAS WRITTEN IN APRIL 2012.  I AM CLEANING OUT MY DRAFTS FOLDER AND EITHER PUBLISING OR DELETING SOME POSTS. Please forgive typos.

I DECIDED TO PUBLISH THIS ONE,  EVEN THOUGH IT WAS WRITTEN LONG AGO. IT WAS FROM A TIME THAT I WAS IN A LOT PAIN, STILL FROM THE BREAK UP.  I HAVE LEARNED A LOT SINCE THEN, AND I STILL BELIEVE IN APPROACHING PROBLEMS AS LESSONS AND OPPORTUNITIES. Please forgive typos.

“These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.”― Rumi

If pain is growth, if pain is where the light comes in, as Rumi says.  Then, by all means, pain come in.  You and all your friends: dramas, headaches, problems, etc

Come in, all at once, if you can.  I want to grow a lot, and fast.

When you look at a problem, not as a problem, but as a lesson or a challenge, it is no longer a problem.  From that moment on, it becomes an opportunity.  Immediately, right from the start, the problem doesn’t own you, you own the problem.  You are in control and at the driver’s seat.

I am learning to look at a situation from different points of view, but never as a victim. I choose to be a student ready to learn some specific lesson.  How wonderful that I have been chosen to learn this lesson.

My only job here is to learn it.  I am learning how to step back and access the situation, analyze it, inspect it and then choose how to handle it. Do I need to attack it or just let it be, and let nature take its course.

I no longer have to attack every situation head on.  The Aries in me is learning to stop and let things happen.  Let nature take its course knowing that the best outcome will be mine if I don’t react, but deal with things with a level head and peaceful heart.

It is not easy not to react, and because it is not easy, it makes it even more rewarding.  I already knew in  my heart that no matter what comes my way, I will always be okay.  The more I learn the lessons, the more life gets better and better.  I no longer think I am going to be okay, I know, in fact, that I am going to be more amazing and more blessed each day.

I now look forward to going to bed because I can’t wait for my tomorrow to start.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

Always and Forever an Enigma

17 Friday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“You might question a winkle – a feeling that came to you right out of the blue – but you didn’t question knowing.” ― Stephen King

I wrote this post last week. I was not sure I was going to post it.

Last night as I was in bed drifting off to sleep, out of the blue, Enigma came to mind.  He is the guy I mentioned in these posts from November 2020:

Finally the date with The Enigma happens

Say What?

I immediately got up and went to Google.  I don’t like to check on people I have dated.  I feel that every time I look back, it prevents me from embracing my present and future. Every time I look back it sets me back.

But this time, I didn’t stop to think if I was going to look back or not.  I had to do it.  It was already midnight, I was tired, and had to wake up early the next morning. Still, I had to do it.  I had to look him up.

“There’s always someone who knows something.” ― Stephen King

It had been over 2 years; I couldn’t remember the exact spelling of his last name.  I spend a long time just googling whatever I could think of.  Searching phone numbers was useless. On the brief time we interacted he changed numbers 3 times.

Then I started attaching the names of towns I thought he lived at to different last names.  After a couple of hours…yes, that is how long it took me.  I wouldn’t give up.  I become a dog with a bone any time I want to try to find any information.

Then I found his obituary!!

He passed away in September.  I was shocked, and yet not surprised… if that makes any sense to you.  It was shocking because he was so young – he was a month shy of 50 years old.  I was not surprised because there was always a lot danger in the stories he told me.  It seemed to me he was reckless when it came to his well being. It is difficult to describe him.

Now, the next step was to find out how he died.  And that is where Miss Can Find Anything on the Internet came up empty handed.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

There was nothing, not a hint, not a clue.  In the obituary/memorial site there were only 7 comments, and they were all about what a great person he was and words of comfort to his family.

I then was able to find his ex-wife’s Facebook.  There were 154 comments on her post of his passing.  There was not a single hint from the post or the comments as to how he passed.

For some reason I suspect that it had something to do with the war in Ukraine.  He had mentioned his involvement with a private military company in Russia.  He mentioned that was scheduled to go and do some work overseas for them.  I don’t want to reveal the name of the company here and some other details.

I don’t know if all he told me was true or not. Or perhaps it was make believe.  I don’t know, and probably never will.  He will remain an Enigma to me.  So gentle and caring, a teacher and volunteer; and then there was this other side that seemed incredibly dangerous and reckless.

TCM, I believe in your kindness and good heart.  I hope that you have found peace and contentment where you are.  Thank you for our brief encounter, flowers and the book!

(I still have the little purple flowers that he gave me on our date.  I dried them and kept them in a vase on my counter in my bathroom.  I am not sure why I did that.  I never kept any flowers from any date – something about not wanting to think of them)

“When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”
― William Shakespeare

April and May 2022 – Dream and Doom

19 Thursday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“There’a a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.” ― Stephen King

Continuing my recap of last year, here is April and May. I will focus on my relationship with B., which was the main theme of those months. (to read in detail, go to Archives)

Towards the end of March and beginning of April, B. and I met several times. He was kind and had flowers for me every time we saw each other. But there were times where we weren’t really in tune. He kept pushing to see me more often.  He was showing a possessive and insecure side.

In April I went to Brazil to see my family and bring my mom to the US for her biannual visit.

While in Brazil, I spoke to B. every night.  I wanted to pacify him. We grew closer and couldn’t wait to see each other.  This relationship was looking more and more like the love story I have been looking for.  He was again acting insecure and possessive on the phone, but I was blinded by the potential.

He would frame some outbursts as done out of loving me so much and didn’t want to get hurt if I was not as serious about the relationship as he was.

When I returned to the US, on April 19, things didn’t go as I had hoped.  I had mentioned to B. that my time was going to be limited because of my mom’s visit.  He said he understood it, but he kept complaining about not seeing me enough.

When we were together, he would say the right things, give me flowers and apologize for being demanding of my time.  When we were apart, he would fire off texts showing a possessive and insecure side that was not attractive at all.

There was one date, for our 2-month anniversary, that I acted like a baby.  I think it was already my gut, my instincts rebelling against this relationship.

Twice I had said to him that some of the texts he sent while angry were not acceptable. I told him that this push-pull behavior made me feel like I was being emotionally abused. He was shocked to hear that, apologized and promised to be more thoughtful before sending another one of those texts.

 “I am stuffing your mouth with your
promises and watching
you vomit them out upon my face.”
― Anne Sexton

Then, the day before I was to leave to Brazil to take my mom back, he got upset.  We had already said good bye with a dinner, but he wanted to see me one more time.  I changed my schedule a couple of times to see him again, but when there was another change, I said I couldn’t make it.  He then sent me a text calling me an a-hole.  Shock is not even the word to describe my feelings when I read that. He sent a couple of apologies in messenger and WhatsApp.  I didn’t reply and blocked him on both.

I will not be called names, specially by someone that supposedly loves me.  It is unacceptable to me.   I feel I dodged a bullet.  His demanding behavior and possessiveness kept getting worse.  His insecurity and fear of getting hurt always got the best of him. But that is no excuse.  A grown man should know how to behave, or seek help.

Had he not called me an a-hole, I would probably still be in that relationship.  Still trying to make it work, because it seemed so right sometimes.  I fell for the flowers and the potential.

I am glad I was leaving for Brazil the following day.  Being far away made it easier to not be tempted to give him yet another chance.  I was too busy with my family to think about him.  Well, I did think about him, but it made it easier to distract my mind.

Now, almost a year later, I am happy that I got out of that relationship relatively fast.  Had I stayed in it longer I can only imagine how it would destroy my mind and well-being.  Looking back there were so many issues, signs, offensive words disguised as “loving too much”.  There were so many things I ignored because it seemed so promising.

I remember when I wrote about it last year. I was embarrassed, and still in doubt about using the word “abuse”.  But it felt in my gut, it was in all the little words that hit me like a knife, and also in the beautiful flowers that made me smile.  At the end of conversations I was spent and questioning my sanity.  Yes, it was abuse and I am glad to be far from it, and to now be better able to recognize it.  Abuse comes in all forms.

My sister had already recognized it.  I would tell her about the dates. There were a couple of times that I remember her saying: “I am afraid of you going to his house.  He is unstable.” I thought she was overreacting.  I pacified her, and said that he would never physically hurt me.

Lesson learned:  Don’t ignore the red flags and your gut.  If someone is acting in a way that you think it is harmful to our mental health, don’t hang around.  Situations and actions escalate.  If you wonder if you are being mentally abused, you are! Run!

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.” ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

 

A friend for life or just a lesson?

03 Tuesday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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Last night (Monday, January 2nd, 2023) I had dinner with Mr. Sweet.   He continues to be sweet and thoughtful.  He drove from NYC to pick me up to go to dinner, and he brought bagels for my sister.

I am glad I said yes to dinner, even though I almost canceled to stay home and watch TV.  The time apart had made me realize I didn’t miss him at all.   It was great to confirm that he is definitely not the one for me, not now, not ever.

The last time I saw him was in October when we had gone to dinner in NYC with my sister and my friend.  That night he repeated that he wanted to see “what is out there”. And that night time I finally understood it. I wrote about it here:  https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2022/10/27/still-sweet-but-not-yet-the-one/

Last night I chose to go to Hinoki Restaurant in Greenwich, CT.  It is a restaurant I have been to before and wanted to go back.  The meal and drinks were delicious. To drink I had the Pornstar – Stoli vanilla vodka, passoa liqueur, passion-fruit puree and lime juice.  Later I had a Lychee Martini – Japanese vodka, lychee puree and dry vermouth.  He had a spicy drink, I don’t remember the name but it was good.  To eat we shared: fried rice, chicken lettuce wrap, boneless short ribs and black cod with grilled endive.  For dessert we shared lava cake with ice cream.

“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”
― G.K. Chesterton, Heretics

We got caught up on what we have been up to.  He talked about a couple of trips he has taken.  He asked about my mosaics.  He talked a lot about dating.  I was okay with that, since I am no longer interested in the role of being his girlfriend.

He is still like a kid in a candy store.  It seems he is dating anyone that looks his way, or swipes right on him.  I think he may have broken some record of the most dates in one week, or something like that.  It feels a bit desperate and chaotic.

His divorce negotiations are about to start. The more we talked, the more I felt it was a good thing that we had not continued dating.  Not only his divorce will probably take forever, he seems to have a lot of growing up to do.  What appears quirky and cute, would annoy me to no end.  It seems he has money, perhaps from his family, so perhaps that is why it seems he lacks ambition and job stability.  That would make me nervous in the long run.  I want a man with more of a sense of direction.

He wanted to talk about how we ended things last time. To me there was nothing to talk about.  He felt he needed to apologize for leading me on.  I said that apologies were not necessary, I was at fault for assuming things.  I hadn’t felt sparks in a long time, and got caught up in it.  That was a great lesson that I learned and it will help prevent heartaches in the future.

“I prefer to surround myself with people who reveal their imperfection, rather than people who fake their perfection.” ― Charles F. Glassman

He said that he was hoping that I didn’t take this dinner invitation in a different way, meaning, he hoped I didn’t think it was a date.   I assured him I did not, and I didn’t.

He then started telling me that I am so great, so beautiful, so smart, that he hopes I will find someone, etc.  He added: ” I will see if I have any friends to introduce to you”. OMG, ouch, I just hate that.

I am fine if someone says: “you would be perfect for my friend/cousin, etc”.  But to say I am going to look around for someone for you is just annoying, even offensive to me.   As if having a boyfriend is such a necessity, like a job.  It is not like I am asking him to do it.  Am I the only that hates that?

My response to him was to start laughing, and I added: “Please, Please, don’t introduce me to anyone, I barely have time and motivation for the dates I find on my own.”

I also said: “I know I am a catch, and the right man for me will see it.  The fact that you said you need to see what is out there says it all.  I am not the one, and the world has not come to an end.”

That was just a blip in the evening.  We do have a great time together.  There is always a lot laughs.  At times he seems a bit childish, and that is another trait that is now charming, but probably would drive me crazy later on.

Towards the end of the date he came clean and mentioned there was someone that he was excited about and getting serious with. I think he didn’t want to say it earlier for fear of hurting me. Once he realized I could care less if he is serious about someone or not, he felt free to mention it.   I hope she is as excited about him as he is about her. I hope that, if that is the case, he stops dating every skirt he sees.

After dinner he drove me home and we hugged goodbye.  He said he is a phone call away, and that we should meet up more often.  I agreed, and said I would call him.  I may or may not.  Time will tell if this is a friend for life or not.

Speaking of being friends with guys on dating sites.  My best friend, a guy I met on Plenty of Fish in 2015, will be moving into my building this month.  He is great as a friend, let’s see how he is as a neighbor.

Tomorrow night I have a quick drinks date with a ski lover that likes Rumi.  Sounds like a promising friendship, hopefully more.

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” ― Franz Kafka

The pains of a broken heart and the possibilities of online dating

25 Sunday Sep 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

Disclaimer: I didn’t have a chance to edit again, so please pardon the typos etc. It is a case if I don’t publish now, I fear I will never publish it.  

Hbsuefred https://hbsuefred.com/ wrote me a comment that hit me in such a deep way that I decided to write my reply to her in the form of a post.  

This was her comment:

As a newly single older gal, I feel so blessed to be schooled by you and others in a similar position who share their experiences. So far, I think the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s a lot of work which to me makes it seem not worth the effort. Of course, I met my idiot ex (he filed after 30 years of marriage) through a dating service.

The fact that he just took wife #4 whom I believe he met on a dating website confirms that probably the older men one meets that way are generally not keepers. Of course I’m a bit jaded after stumbling on new wifey’s name and fb page where she posted wedding pix of ceremony that looks like it took place pretty recently and on which she and all her friends extol his virtues. None of them knows the morose alcoholic as well as I do. In fact, they may not even know that about him, including her!

The kicker was that ceremony and holiday pix from end of last year were taken in my old living room! However, after taking another stroll down memory lane (the written through correspondence history of our demise) this time there were no tears as it made me realize how long I put up with his crap and how much better off I am now without him.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope your audit is successfully completed soon and that you keep sharing your adventures in dating which may someday be successful as well. In the meantime, enjoy your upcoming break. Will it have another purpose of preparing you for the upcoming dreaded holidays?

Here is my reply in 2 parts: Heartbreak and Online Dating.  

Heartbreak:

You can vent here any time you want.  30 years is a real long time to share your life with someone, only to have that be taken it away from you.  It is cruel to have that life you knew disappear.  My heart aches for you.

This is the first time in a real long time that I was taken back to that very painful period of time in my life, over 10 years ago.  My relationship was only a fraction of time of yours. Mine lasted 3 years, but the pain was so deep that I thought I was going to die from a broken heart.  I can’t begin to imagine your pain.

When you mentioned seeing pictures of the new wife taken in your old living room, I recall how I felt coming across similar details. It was like I was being punched in the stomach.  It was a slap in the face to see how easily I had been replaced.  I feel your pain.  I feel the devastation. I feel the anger.

I felt alone, sad, and stuck in the past, while he so quick and seamlessly continued life with somebody new.  For a long time I wanted my life back, I wanted him back.  As if he was a such a great prize.  I was the prize, but he was too dumb to see it.

For some time I wanted to hear him say: “I am sorry I cheated on you and hurt you”.  As if he would ever possess any sense of guilt or would ever acknowledge any wrongdoing.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

I went through all the stages of grief.  The one that I got stuck on the longest was denial.  I kept lying to myself. First, that it was not happening. Second, that he would come back. Thankfully he never did, otherwise I would probably have taken him back, only to be cheated on over and over again.

I didn’t know how to imagine my life without him.  I became blind and powerless.  It was as if he was the last man in the world.  How wrong I was.  Looking back I shudder to realize how long I allowed myself to feel like a victim and how much time I wasted wallowing in pity.

One of the best things I did was to stop looking at social media and googling him and the new girlfriend.  Every time I searched for him and her, I was being sucked back into the pain and anger.  It was hard not to give into the curiosity, but I felt more powerful every time I had the urge to look him up and I didn’t.  That power kept getting stronger to the point that the urge is no longer there.  He is past, and I have left him there.

A morose alcoholic?  Who needs that anyway?  I can only imagine what you have gone through all those 30 years.  How much of you you forgot and ignored to cater to him?

I am glad that you are able to see how much better off you are now.  It seems that you are well on your way to forgetting, forgiving and rebuilding.  We both received the gift of freedom, even though it didn’t feel like at the moment.  We were blessed that men  that didn’t belong, didn’t add anything, didn’t help us grow, were removed from our life.  We were too much into the relationship to see we needed to get out and do it on our own, instead we got a little push, well, a big shove really.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

It was the hardest thing I went through and it changed me… for the better, and I am sure is the same with you.   I now accept all, the good and the bad, with grace.  Everything is either a wonderful experience or a lesson.  The lessons are necessary. Receive it, learn it, move on. Don’t miss the wonderful experience of the moment being sad about the past.

We loved. We learned lessons.  We are aware. We are fully alive. We now can explore.  We can do whatever we please, be the masters of our destiny.  We can do everything or nothing. We are open to possibilities.  

Yet, it is not all sunshine and butterflies now.  I have my moments.  I have the moments that my ego takes control. I have the moments that I become a victim all over again.  There are times I feel powerless, helpless, loveless.  I work real hard at not letting those moments suck me in.  I make sure those don’t last.  I immediately turn to gratitude. I start making a list of all the good that is in my life.  Focusing on the positive is my way out. Gratitude for all I so blessedly have is my go-to weapon.

The pain goes away… eventually.  It is a fight, everyday.  Enjoy all the new steps, big and small.  Celebrate yourself each and every day.  One thing I know for sure:  You will thrive!

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi

Online Dating:

I know that online dating, and dating in general, seems like a lot work.  It is.  But to me it is worth the hassle. My attitude has changed a lot from when I first started doing online dating,10 years ago, to right now writing this. 

I believe I will find the One, but it is not longer the reason why I do it. My One may not even be on a dating site.  So, for now, my focus is on meeting new people,  enjoying the moment and being fully present with each person I meet.  

The one thing I would love for you to get from reading my blog is to be open to possibilities.  All of them.  Give dating, online and otherwise, a chance. Give people, love, life, fun, a chance.

I fear that, sometimes, with my dating stories written here, I am discouraging people from giving online dating a chance.  It is a pain, there are fakes, jerks, losers, clueless, there are all kinds. I believe that there are some amazing people out there also.  I am a good person, and I can’t be the only good person doing online dating, could I? I believe good attracts good. Good energy and good heart will attract good energy and good heart.

I enjoy meeting new people, learning about their background, interests, etc.  I have accepted dates before to just get out of the house, and those normally end up frustrating.  So I now only go on a date if I see potential for fun, friendship or more.

10 years is a long time to be online dating and still be alone, some have pointed out to me in the past.  I never expected to still be alone, but I don’t blame the dating sites.  I am still single not because I haven’t found a good man.  I have found many good men.    I just haven’t found the one that makes me want to let go of being single.

The older I get the harder it will be for me to part ways with my singlehood.  The older I get the more I realize what a wonderful life I have.  It is hard to find someone to come in and add to it.  That is the key.  I am looking for some to add to my life.  To add joy, beauty, wonder, possibilities, not to add dramas, insecurities, headaches, etc. I don’t want dead weight.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

I am also well aware that, perhaps, I will forever fear giving my whole self to someone again; and that is something that I continuously work on. I strive to be open, trusting and non-judgmental.

I don’t see being alone at this point in time a failure.  I see being happy and grateful as a success, and that I am.  Online success to me doesn’t mean coming away with a boyfriend.  Success online to me is now measured in small bites.  Dinner with a great person is a success in my book.  Being introduced to new experiences, new interests, new ideas, is always a success to me. 

I do get tired of online dating at times.  Life gets too busy, I encounter too many jerks in a row, I become disillusioned, and I take a break.  Then, when I feel like, I go back to it.  To me online dating is a wonderful choice to have and I am grateful for it.

If you ever decide to give it a try please be careful.  I have written some posts about it:https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/ and https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2018/01/26/not-just-surviving-but-thriving-while-online-dating/

Please come back and vent here any time. Pardon my liberty of certain assumptions. Pardon my preachiness! Sending love, hugs and blessings to you!

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”
― Rumi

A date here and there. A drink here and there. Fun always and everywhere.

17 Friday Jun 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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City Island, NY

City Island, NY

“What is past is past. never go back. Not for excuses. Not for justification, not for happiness. You are what you are, the world is what it is.” ― Mario Puzo

I should listen to Mario Puzo.  I think you realize by now that I have a problem closing doors.  I keep believing in redemption and second chances. Or perhaps I just think that the person will one day realize how amazing I really am.   I am getting better though.  I am slowly realizing I don’t have to talk to everyone. I don’t have to let everyone back in.  I don’t have to be nice to everyone. I don’t have to be friends with everyone.

“Even a spineless arthropod shed what’s no longer useful and leaves it behind them.  Are you not greater than they?” ― Jason Versey

I am deciding which online dating site I will be signing for next.   It will probably be Match.  While I decide and find the time to fill out a profile and upload photos, I have been busy with friends and some guys from the past.

There is this one guy that I don’t remember what name I gave him here.  I actually don’t even remember if I wrote about him.  Several years ago, we had a late-night date at a diner.  Immediately it was friendly and not romantic. 

Since then, he will call or text  a couple of times a year.   There is nothing interesting about his conversations.  It is all about him complaining about being busy and gloating about making a lot money.  He will always say that we need to get together and that he will call me to schedule.  He never does.  By now, I don’t even want to be friends anymore. 

I have his name on my phone as “Waste of Time”,  that should tell you how I feel about his texts and calls.  Finally, I got tired and blocked him on Messenger. 

The other day he found me on WhatsApp.  After exchanging a couple of messages, I blocked him there too.  It is the same song and dance.  He is not even friend material.

From now on I have to remember to block people on both, Messenger and WhatsApp.

“Memory takes a lot of poetic license. It omits some details; others are exaggerated, according to the emotional value of the articles it touches, for memory is seated predominantly in the heart. The interior is therefore rather dim and poetic.” – Tennessee Williams

Kremšnita at Dubrovnik Restaurant

Kremšnita at Dubrovnik Restaurant

Then there is Mr. Stock: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2021/09/10/the-prelude-to-the-unmasking-of-mr-stock/

We had a great time at that dinner over a year ago. I thought that he would ask me out again.  He never did.  Still, we continued the texting/talking relationship.  I was okay with that because we have become good friends.

Last Friday he asked if I wanted to go out to dinner.  I was surprised.  I like to eat, so I said yes.  I don’t mind last minute invitations.  If I am free, I go.

We went to Dubrovnik’s in New Rochelle.  He drove over 1 hour to take me to dinner.  He said that it took him hours to get the courage to ask me out.  I found that weird, and told him that.  I don’t get what the fear was. Later I understood that he thought this was a date.

During dinner he hinted that he now feels ready for a relationship… with me.  I was honest and said:  Been there, done that!  I told him about B., and how they are similar in the fact that they are both widowers and were not ready to date when we originally met.  I told him I am not making that same mistake again.

I also said to him that I believe that if a man really likes a woman, he doesn’t wait 1 year to ask her out on a second date.

He tried to give me all sorts of excuses, but I was not moved.  Friendship is the only thing on the table for him.

We continue to be friends.

“There exists in man a mass of sense lying in a dormant state, and which, unless something excites it to action, will descend with him, in that condition, to the grave.” ― Thomas Paine

Another guy, G. from a neighboring town reached out this week on WhatsApp.  Are people all of a sudden discovering WhatsApp? He mentioned that we met on OKCupid last year.  I was cautious as I didn’t remember anything about him.  I asked him if he had changed phone numbers, as he was not on my contacts.  He said that he didn’t.  I was only able to remember him when he sent me a picture.

I asked why we had stopped communicating and he said that I went to Brazil to visit my parents and never got in touch again. That is very possible.

I went through my records.  Yes, I do keep dating records.  It does come in handy. On my notes on him, I wrote: “Seems nice, but doesn’t seem to be that interested. Divorce is not final yet.”

On my notes I have a different phone number for him.  I will keep that in mind and ask him about it when we meet for coffee on Sunday. 

“Potential has a shelf life.” ― Margaret Atwood

On Saturday (Jun11), a friend, my sister and I went to a new Venezuelan restaurant in my town called Arepa Mania.  They had live music, and the two singers were great.   Do you know when restaurants open too soon, before they are ready?  That was the feeling I had.  Still, it was good, the owners were very pleasant, the music fun, the food good, but I think they have room for improvement.  After, we went for drinks to Modern Restaurant.

Cocktail at Modern Restaurant

Cocktail at Modern Restaurant

On Thursday (Jun14) we went to City Island, NY to Sea Shore restaurant.  The views were incredible, the service was great, but the food was just ok. The best for me was the free corn bread that they serve at the beginning.

Last night (Jun15) we took a friend to dinner at Tapas & Cucina in Eastchester, NY.  We had the most amazing time.  I have enjoyed their food, ambiance and service the past two times I had been there, but this time they added music to it.  They had an Italian singer, and it was great.  It was her birthday and the singer came and serenated her.  She was over the moon.

Yes, I have been busy 🙂

“We don’t know where we’re going, but isn’t is fun to go?” ― L.M. Montgomery

Giving it another shot

07 Monday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Update on the date, well, dates, with the man that I had a few dates with 5 years ago. 

1st date. Feb 25. We met at Modern Restaurant.  I had a lychee martini, he had chardonnay.  We shared meatballs and zucchini frites.  Everything was delicious.

When I walked in he was sitting at the bar.  I approached him and hugged him hello. I don’t think he was expecting a hug. I had wondered what would be like seeing him after 5 years.  Nothing had changed.  There was still chemistry.

We quickly got started in updating each other.  When we last saw each other, my sister was just moving to the US.  Now it will be 5 years that she is here.  His daughter was starting High School, now she is in college.

He is not struggling with thoughts of the dead wife anymore. At this point he is done with the grieving process and has been actively dating.  I always thought the reason he ghosted me was that he couldn’t forget the wife.

He is the oldest man I ever dated.  He is 65 years old.  I normally get along better with younger men, but, for some reason, there is something about him.

At the end, he drove me home, a whole block away 😊.  At my door, I just said bye and left the car, there was no kissing or anything and it was perfect like that.

“I had to heal… I had to stop trying to nourish my present life with expired moments. I had to move on… So that I could experience new love without being afraid of old pain.” ― Steve Maraboli

On Sunday, Feb 27, he texted me, but I had to keep the texting short as I was getting ready to go to dinner.

On Tuesday, Feb 29, he texted again and asked if I wanted to go to dinner.  I said yes and we decided to meet the next day. He then wrote: “I will pick you up.” 

I said: “oh you will pick me up?”

He said: “yes, you mentioned you don’t like driving”

Stuff like that means the world to me.  It shows that he was paying attention to what I was saying, and to my likes and dislikes. 

People pay attention: Show you care by your actions and not by words.

We went to Rio Bravo, a Mexican Restaurant in Larchmont. I had chimichangas and he had the enchilada. I had a mojito and he had wine.

The conversation flowed and he mentioned that he didn’t think he ghosted me, he thought I was not interested.  In our last date 5 years ago, he said I was mad when I met him for dinner.  He had texted me something more risqué, and I thought it was too much too soon.  Then during dinner my sister called to mention the fire alarm going off, and I said I had to leave.  He thought there was no alarm and it was something that was pre-arranged to cut the date short.

I was shocked as I remembered none of it.  While I definitely didn’t plan on my sister calling to bail me, I am recalling bits and pieces of that evening.  I remember being moody about something. 

He also mentioned that at that point in time, he definitely was not in a mental space to date.  Perhaps we are both in a better space now.  Perhaps we are both older and wiser.

When he dropped me at my door we kissed good bye.  It was short, sweet and perfect.

“New love is grand. Savor all the crazy, muddled might of it.”
― Eli Easton, The Mating of Michael

The third date was on Friday, March 4th.  He offered to pick me up but I said I would drive.  I don’t like driving but it made more sense.  He lives near the place we were going to. 

I rather let him pick me up when the place is hard to get to, and parking is not easily available.

We went to Chat American Grill in Scarsdale, NY.  I had a couple of passion fruit cosmopolitans and he had chardonnay.  That is his drink of choice.  We shared some appetizers of spring rolls, salad and artichoke.   

When we left we walked to his car and he drove me back to mine.  There was some kissing involved.  And it was good. 😊

It is a bit scary to find someone I really like after so long, specially someone that I had a some history with.  I am trying hard not to start sabotaging this, and to give it a real chance. 

I am doing all I can to stay in the moment, and enjoy all as is. It may last or it may not, and that is not the point.  The point is not to waste the moment trying to control the outcome.

“I know you think I’m crazy. Maybe that’s because I am. About life, about this moment, about you.” ― Crystal Woods, Write like no one is reading

What was he thinking?

17 Monday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I’d always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it is always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals come easily.” ― Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses

On March 1, 2022 my blog will turn 10 years old.  My blog started thanks to a boyfriend that broke my heart.

The pain and betrayal was so great that I thought I would die of a broken heart.  One day I think I am living a fairy tale, the next I find out he was cheating.  He never acknowledged or apologized.  He just, very coldly said: ” I am very busy with all my businesses, it is best you move out”.

Move out I did.  He hinted at one day getting back together.  I wanted to buy into that, but eventually I wised up and understood the manipulation.

This whole time he has had a girlfriend living with him, and he will still try to reach out.

Last time I saw him was in 2017 when I sold him back the car that he had given me.  Here, I describe that day:

https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/07/07/facing-the-one-that-broke-my-heart/

Since then he reaches out to wish my sister and I a happy birthday or a Merry Christmas.  I never reply.  He doesn’t take the hint. Narcissists and manipulators never do, even if you spell it out for them.  One time I replied to him: ” Pretend I am dead”.

This Christmas he texted.  I ignored.

Then on New Years, I received the text below. I blocked my sister’s name on it.

It makes no sense.  The text would suggest that we have been speaking and that we have a conversation going.

That is him.  He creates his own reality.  He believes his own stories.  Of course I didn’t reply and will not.

I cannot begin to imagine what goes on on his mind, other than the fact that this is what a true manipulator, narcissistic person does.  They ignore reality.  They believe their own lies and create alternate realities.

I keep in contact with his mother, so I am assuming she told him that I was sick with covid and he thought using a sauna would be good.

I never talk to his mother about him. If she ever mentions anything about him, I just change the subject.

I just wanted to share this craziness here and file this under “What Was He thinking?”

The answer is: Who knows? Who cares?  

“MAKING THE LIE MAKE SENSE:

When denial (his or ours) can no longer hold and we finally have to admit to ourselves that we’ve been lied to, we search frantically for ways to keep it from disrupting our lives. So we rationalize. We find “good reasons” to justify his lying, just as he almost always accompanies his confessions with “good reasons” for his lies. He tells us he only lied because…. We tell ourselves he only lied because…. We make excuses for him: The lying wasn’t significant/Everybody lies/He’s only human/I have no right to judge him.

Allowing the lies to register in our consciousness means having to make room for any number of frightening possibilities:

• He’s not the man I thought he was.
• The relationship has spun out of control and I don’t know
what to do
• The relationship may be over.

Most women will do almost anything to avoid having to face these truths. Even if we yell and scream at him when we discover that he’s lied to us, once the dust settles, most of us will opt for the comforting territory of rationalization. In fact, many of us are willing to rewire our senses, short-circuit our instincts and intelligence, and accept the seductive comfort of self-delusion.”
― Susan Forward, When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal