Category Archives: Daily Life

Moment lost…chance for reflection.

23 Wednesday Oct 2013

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“The value of a moment is immeasurable. The power of just ONE moment can propel you to success and happiness or chain you to failure and misery.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

Life is made of moments,  tiny little moments that make up the mosaic of our lives.  Split second decisions can make or break one’s future, life, day.    The incredible power that just 1 instant, 1 second, holds is not lost on me and yet I rush through life as if I am in a mad dash somewhere.  I am getting nowhere fast! ….and tired.

I have been trying to slow down, to stop and smell the flowers, to pay attention to details. It is hard for me to pause and take a breath.  It feels like my life is lived in a constant fast-forward mode.  Am afraid of stopping and give the impression that I am stuck in life?  After-all I live in New York, where is a sin to be stationary.

BE HERE NOW!  That has been my mantra forever, but one would never guess it, since I am everywhere, in the past and in the future, except here, except now.

What am I missing by going so fast? A lot, perhaps all!

Last evening as I left work and I am walking, or should I say, sprinting, towards Grand Central Station a man, coming out of nowhere, stopped me.  Well, wrong on both counts, he probably didn’t come out of nowhere, I was just probably not paying attention to my surroundings, and he was not successful in stopping me because I never stopped.

All I heard was someone asking for money and my immediate response: I don’t have any change, and continued walking.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” ― Plato

I immediately regretted not stopping and not giving money.  I felt sad that my first instinct and response was so negative and defensive.  I stopped and turned around and by then the man had already walked away and I was left standing there alone with my guilt.  He was not stopping everyone, in fact he didn’t stop anyone, but me.  He probably thought that I would help.  He was probably embarrassed.   Right now I can think of 300 different reasons why he asked me and why he needed to ask for help in the first place.

Why did I behave like that? Why was that my first instinct? I didn’t feel threatened! It is like the words rolled out of my mouth without my permission.  Why couldn’t I stop?

What if in that one second I could have been the ray of light in somebody’s life?  What if he just needed a dollar to catch a train because he had lost his wallet or something like that?  He didn’t seem homeless, if fact he seemed well-dressed.  Why did my brain, in a fraction of second, decided for my heart that it was not worth stopping? Why did I betray myself?

“Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

I hate myself for not stopping and talking to him and giving him the money.  It is not really the money but the fact that I didn’t stop to give a second of my attention to a fellow human being.  I don’t like that!  I am not like that! And yet I let that one second run away from me and I can never get it back.  I can never make that moment right.  I am ashamed! Who am I becoming?

I wish that person knows that not all humans are devoid of care, not everyone is suspicious or just plain too busy.  I wish he knows that I prayed for him and his well being, that I care.  I prayed that the next person he spoke to did what I was unable to do: stop and listen.

I wish I could go back and change that one instant and take back those words, but I can’t.  All I can do is hope that next time my first reaction is different. I pray for less impulse and more thought, less reaction and more action.

Acknowledge the problem is the first step. Hi, I am Ana and I am

I don’t know who said it, but it is so true and worth thinking about it:

“Four things you can’t recover: 
The stone after the throw, 
The word after it’s said, 
The occasion after it’s missed,
The time after it’s gone.”

The joys of returning home and being aware of my flaws!

16 Wednesday Oct 2013

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“Every traveler has a home of his own, and he learns to appreciate it the more from his wandering.” ― Charles Dickens

I am back!! And happy to be back!

I love going away, but I love returning home even more. I love getting back to my routine, going to work, feeling like a productive member of society. I have been living in the USA for almost 30 years. I love Brazil, but US feels more like home by now. I don’t tell anyone this, but I feel a bit out of place in Brazil. It is not a matter of liking here better, is a matter of being more comfortable here – of knowing what to do and how to behave.

I had fun in Brazil; I did nothing and overindulged in sweets. I probably gained 10 pounds – no kidding! The cakes in Brazil are to die for (well, literally if you overindulge hahaha). Condensed milk and heavy cream are present in almost every dessert.

There was a major miracle during my stay there. For the first time in ages my father agreed to go to a restaurant with us. He never liked going out to eat much, or going out for any social reason for that matter. After one of his legs was amputated (a combination of cancer and diabetes) he has become even more of a homebody, mostly enjoying staying in and watching sports. We try to get him to go out but we don’t bother him too much, we are just extremely happy that is still alive and with us after the cancer scare. So when my mother said to him: “on Saturday we are going to eat at Casa Geraldo”, a winery and restaurant in the country side, we were all surprised, well, actually shocked, when he agreed. We were all expecting to hear all the excuses that he normally uses not to go. I was sure he was just changing his tactics and at last minute would choose to stay home. But surprise, surprise, there was no mind changing at the last minute.  We all went and had an awesome time.

Yummy food, beautiful place, great wine! Here is to people changing old habits and trying new things. Here is to open mind and open hearts! So much fun, I cannot wait to return: http://casageraldo.com.br/site/?page_id=10

Mom has come back to the US with me. She will stay for one month and drive me nuts by trying to over-feed me. Since Mom is here this will be the month of casinos, shopping, Chinese food and homemade treats!!

While in Brazil I had a minor disagreement with my sister and last night when my head hit the pillow I had a revelation. I realized that I am oftentimes (and this very evening) guilty of what I was blaming her. It is indeed true that we are normally guilty of having the very same traits that we mostly dislike on people. I am guilty of harping on a subject when nothing will be accomplished by my doing that, of not letting something go, of not letting sleeping dogs lie! I did that last night to mom and later was sorry for having acted that way. So last night in my prayers I not only thanked God for all my blessings but I asked for calm, sensibility and the ability to realize when I need to let a subject drop. And of course I asked for forgiveness.

Always when returning from a trip I come back renewed and refreshed with new ideas and the motivation to start new projects and continue old ones.  So here is to new beginnings and completion of goals. May this new motivation stay and not fall by the wayside.

“Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.

Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm at the end 
as at the beginning.
He has nothing,
thus has nothing to lose.
What he desires is non-desire;
what he learns is to unlearn.
He simply reminds people
of who they have always been.
He cares about nothing but the Tao.
Thus he can care for all things.” 
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Update on my new friends

04 Friday Oct 2013

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“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” 
― Anaïs Nin

Milton. https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/milton-my-new-friend/  I haven’t seen him in awhile.  His birthday was September 30 and I was going to bring him a cupcake but again he was not in his usual spot.  They have repair going on that corner and I looked around to see if he had moved to another corner but couldn’t find him.

I am hoping that is a good sign.  He had been waiting on NY City to get him housing, so perhaps that means that they relocated him to some kind of housing.

*****

C, a resident from the Nursing home called me.  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/09/11/when-the-right-thing-is-also-the-hardest-thing/

He has a hard time speaking, it takes effort and concentration for the words to come out and when they do is very low and hard to understand.  Even in person I have to keep asking him to repeat, so in the telephone was worse.

I tried my best to understand and I think we were able to get some things understood.  He misses me and wants me to call or visit.  I mentioned that I had sent him a card and he said he didn’t get it.

I hope the Nursing home is not holding on to the cards that I sent.  I bought Halloween cards to some of the residents I used to visit.  For convenience and because I didn’t have everyone’s last name I put it all in a FedEx envelope and sent them to D., the girl that works there and did the visits with em.  I can’t imagine her holding on to it and not handing out.

C.  has an appointment on November 11 with a throat doctor.  He said the doctor will inject Vitamin C on his vocal chords and he will be able to speak better.  I hope that all goes well with that.  It is so hard to watch him speaking.

I am going to see if the nursing home lets me visit him when I return from my trip.

*****

This feels a bit rushed as I am leaving in 5 minutes on my way to the airport. I am going to Brazil to see my family.  I am blessed, and even more blessed for knowing I am blessed! 

Thank you God, Thank you Universe! 🙂

“Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” 
― Charles Dickens

new hope in an envelope

03 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” 
― Paulo Coelho

As I opened my mailbox I see a familiar handwriting. I look at the post-mark and it reads September 30th.  I imagine this is the response to my text (see previous post) I ripped the envelope open and here it is in its entirety, a letter from Ex:

” September 28, 2013

Ana

I love you

I always have and always will.

For 2 1/2 years I was pretty good at loving you and holding the rest of my life together.

The last few months, I was not as good and I will never be able to make it up to you or explain how disappointed in myself that I am.

Currently, I have not yet pulled the rest of my life together and many things have worsened.

You are an exceptional and wonderful person and lady that deserves better than me and I realize how lucky and fortunate that I was to be in your life, even for just a few years.

I will always provide you with anything I can, just let me know if you need anything.”

As you may have guessed I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I want to believe that he loved me, to think that I have dreamed up what we had it is too much to take. This letter somehow validates my feelings.

“A true love story has no endings.” 
― M.F. Moonzajer

I am choosing to believe his words at this point, specially when he says I deserve better.  With him still in my heart, and I am guessing he will forever be there, I am moving on.

In 2 days I am flying to Brazil to be with my family for 10 days.  It will be good to get out of the NY air and all its memories even for a little bit.

Can I close this chapter for good?

Yes I can! And I dare believe in bigger blessings coming into my life! Ex was a blessing! He showed me love, he exposed me to new experiences.  I would not trade the time that we spent together for anything in the world.  I am a better person for having met him. Perhaps he is really showing me how much he loves me by letting me go.   I am ready to accept this new version of the story.

This letter doesn’t erase his betrayal at the end of our relationship, but somehow I feel it is already helping me heal.  Acceptance…oh sweet acceptance!

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

Stupid, pathetic, emotional, crazy and just plain lovable me still dealing with Ex issues!

30 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

I have been promising an update on Ex for awhile now, so it is about time I step up and do it.  It is not really an update about Ex, but about my feelings about Ex.  He, I am sure continues to do well, not ever having any issues with this break up. He was always fine, he got rid of me the same way he changes a shirt.  Without a second thought, without blinking an eye.

I am not sure if I should envy or feel sorry for people that are able to get rid of people that easy. He was able to erase 3 years like it never happened. Why am I making someone in my life so important when clearly I meant nothing?

I didn’t really want to write this update because I know I am going to look foolish. First, why after 2 years I am still struggling with feelings regarding Ex? I am better and smarter than that! Second, why did I contact him? Yep, I had never contacted him in the last 2 years, I have replied every now and then when he contacts me, but I never reached out first.  So, why now? The answer is stupidity, plain stupidity!

For a moment I thought about not writing anything about it.  But the reason why I started this blog in the first place was Ex, so if I am to leave my true feelings about this situation out of this blog I may as well stop writing it. If it is not the whole truth, what is then the point?

I go through patches of feeling high on life and not thinking about Ex at all, to phases of thinking of him every night when my head hits the pillow.

Through the summer we exchanged emails and texts regarding tickets to the US Open.  I felt good about the exchanges. I bought tickets, sent him the check and he sent me the tickets. We never met or talked on the phone.  I was happy that he never proposed meeting in person to exchange tickets/cash.  I felt this was a step towards in the right direction.  I thought to myself: perhaps one day we can be friends.

“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You…Be Free…Share.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So on the opening night at the US Open I saw him walk in and take his seat.  Even thought my seat was across the stadium I knew exactly where his seats were and my eyes couldn’t help going there every few seconds until the moment I saw him walking in with the girlfriend.

I had a friend with me and I pointed him out to her and said: I am going to text him and tell him I see him. She said do it, and I did.  All I texted was : “I see you”

He didn’t reply anything until later on when he wrote: “I wish I had seen you”.  By then I had already realized what a big mistake I had done, actually 2 seconds after sending it I wished I could have taken it back.

I didn’t reply.

The next morning he sent another text saying sorry for not having offered me a ride home and saying he hoped I had stayed dry (it had rained the night before).

Again I should have remained silent but I couldn’t help it and wrote: “I don’t think your girlfriend would be too happy sitting in the back and I am not a backseat kind of girl!”

He replied:” She knows of my love for you and would have” My thoughts when I read this was of how delusional he can be thinking that any girl would agree with  that scenario.

I just laughed it off.  I didn’t reply anything anymore.  I should not have started anything to begin with.

And life went on as usual until September 19 when he wrote:”I am sorry for the troubles between our 2 countries. I want you to know that I love you and I hope all is well”

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” 
― Steve Maraboli

For some reason that text hit a chord.  I have received texts and emails from email from him before where he will say I love you, but this one hit a nerve.  It made me feel all kids of feelings. I was sad and angry.  I have to be completely honest here and say that I still liked getting texts from him, I still like hearing that he loves me.  But, what is the point?  Does he even know what love is? If he ever loved me he wouldn’t have treated me the way he did. Why do I need still this fake closeness? But I decided not to react and let it go. Feeling that my silence was the best reply.

This text came as I was going to Boston for the wedding. I thought to myself: perfect, now I will be an emotional basket case at this wedding.  Funny enough I was not.  I was happy my friend was getting married and at no point I wanted to be the one walking down the aisle. I was shocked at my being completely unemotional about it.  There were no thoughts of Ex, of what could have been, nothing!

But for some reason after returning home, all I have been doing is think of him and miss him all over again.  Re-reading that text made me angrier and angrier at him, at myself, at the world.  How dare him stir those feelings up? Why do I still miss him when I know he is not good for me?  It seems he has some kind of radar.  As I am not even remembering he exits there comes a text from him and revives everything inside me.

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So the past few days I have been struggling and having the craziest of thoughts. Ready to hear it?  No, you are not ready, but I am going to tell you anyway.  I came very close to asking him if he wanted to go skiing together. Yes, how stir crazy is that?  I should be committed for letting such a thought enter my mind.  Thank God, there was a little voice inside of me with some common sense.

So a few days ago I texted him and asked him not to contact me ever again. Here is what I said: “Stop hurting me by mentioning the word love.  You don’t know the meaning of the word.  You don’t have any idea of my pain. I have accepted the reality long ago but that doesn’t lessen the pain.  Help me by forgetting I exist.  It should be easy for you. Do not contact me! I wish you happiness and success.”

I cringe when I read it now. I sound childish and stupid.  It is more like a love declaration then anything else.  But at the end of the day, it is honest and it was what I was feeling at the moment.  Impulsive Aries triumphs again. oh well…

Some people ask me, what does he want.  I think he wants to be my friend.  In his mind we are friends.  He wants his actions to be okay. He thinks he did nothing wrong and if I am his friend then that is a validation that he didn’t do anything wrong.

After my text he didn’t contact me again, as I knew he wouldn’t. So now on again to the process of recovery.  I am also motivated to make new memories.  I realize that some of my favorite memories are with him, so thinking of good things in my past involves thinking of him.  It is time for me to make new memories.   I am in a way looking to rewrite the past.

So the first new memory to be recreated will be Whistler, BC.  Skiing anyone?

The bottom line is: Two years have passed and I am back at the beginning! Sad realization! No conclusion, no great insight, just the need to take one step at a time and be good to myself.

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” 
― Steve Maraboli

Update – what I have been up to lately

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

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Update https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/08/21/being-a-bridesmaid-is-for-the-birds/

So the wedding has come and gone, and honestly I am so happy it is gone.  No more worrying about the dress.  I finally settled on a sleeveless Ralph Lauren Lace gown with a slit on the side.  The only guidelines were: it had to be long and champagne.  The other bridesmaids had gowns that were shinier than mine.  One of the girls looked like she was going to attend a Quincenera party.  I think that deep down inside she wanted to be more beautiful than the bride. 

All in all the wedding went well.  I ended up having to give a speech.  I expected the sister of the bride and who I thought the Maid of Honor was to do it, but at the rehearsal when the event planner asked who was going to give the champagne toast/speech all eyes turned to me, including my friend the bride, so I had to say yes.  That night I wrote a few words.  It was pretty good for a last minute thing, it had humor and it was heartfelt.  When the time came I got up, got the page to read the speech and, I guess, out of nerves, I couldn’t make a word out on that paper, so I had to go from memory and improvise a bit.  It worked! People laughed and applauded at the right times.

The most important thing is my friend (the bride) was happy with how everything turned out.

“I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.” 
― Jarod Kintz

***

Work is still up and down, and down, and down… when are we going to be stable and not have to worry about money???

***

Update https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/embarrassed-to-be-brazilian/

Finally I will be getting a Brazilian passport valid for 5 years instead of just 1 year. It is all about the person that helps you.  This woman that I talk to today didn’t want to see any documents other than the old passport and a copy of my birth certificate.  She said she doesn’t understand why I was given such a hard time in the past. All is well that ends well!

***

It was my dad’s birthday yesterday.  He is 77 years old.   Amazing he is alive after battling cancer and coming so close to dying.  His will to live, and fear of dying is what I believe made the difference. Well, the doctors also said that the fact that he never smoke or drank a day in his life helped insure the success of the operation he had to go through.

***

Classes:

I started a mosaic class last week.  It will be a total of 5 classes, and at the end I will have a finished product. I have to be honest and say I didn’t love the first class.  I loved the teacher’s loft with water views.  I want to live in a loft with water views!!!

I also started tap/jazz classes. It will be held once a week, on Friday evenings.  Not my first preference for the day of the week to have class, I already had to miss last week.  There will be a recital in June.  Tell me, why do I sign up for this stuff?

***

e-Harmony

it has been okay. Nobody interesting at the moment, but things can change rather quickly – this is the beauty of life, I guess – things can change in an instant.  Some times I am more motivated, other times I am realizing the joys of being single.

***

Brazil here I  come!! October 4th.  So now I am on the packing and shopping phase/craze.

***

Ex, oh Ex, why after 2 years you still matter? why does my heart still hurts?

Will devote a post to that in a couple of days.

“Love is the absence of judgment.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

Ohio and New York are friends!

13 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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e-Harmony is becoming a great place for me to make friends.  I haven’t had too many dates, but the ones that I had have all been great guys, but – there is always a but – no chemistry.

“Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle.” 
― Paulo Coelho

My last date was a 4-day date.  He lives in Ohio and came for a long weekend starting on Thursday. Even before the date I knew this was not going to be romance and just friendship.  I think he knew that too. But still we wanted to meet because we seemed to speak the same language regarding a lot of subjects. I am interested in meeting smart people, not necessarily just a potential mate.  I am interested in learning from people.

It was a great weekend!  It started with watching some tennis and having dinner at the US Open on Thursday night.

On Friday I took the day off and showed him my town.  We had breakfast at my apartment, ran errands and walked to the park and beach.  Then an early dinner at a local Indian restaurant followed by a train ride to the city for a Broadway show.  We saw Motown and it was awesome!

Saturday during the day we went to Central Park and had lunch at Plataforma – Brazilian Rodizio.  We were going to MOMA but we wanted to see the men’s semi final match so we went to a Pub to watch the match instead.   After that we took the train back home.  We got to my apartment too exhausted to do anything else other than watch TV: College Football (not my first choice but I am a gracious host. I even made awesome popcorn!)

On Sunday we met up at his hotel and had breakfast at a nearby diner and then I drove him to the airport.  I was exhausted from the weekend and considered it a success since I had fun and made a friend in the process.  In person he wasn’t as smart and interesting, but still we had great conversations.

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

There is one thing annoying me now.  On Monday he sent me a text saying that he wanted to keep our relationship just on a friendship level.  I was shocked! What? Why did he need to send this text?  What in my behavior made it seem that I wanted anything other than friendship?

Even before he came we had already talked about the fact that we both felt we could be awesome friends and were not sure about romance. Upon meeting for the first time there was no fireworks or even a spark of chemistry, at that moment I knew there was not a chance of romance here.  Throughout the weekend there was no attempt at hand holding or any physical contact, there was no flirting or any conversation that had any tone of romance.  And to me it was perfectly fine since I didn’t want to have to turn him down.

Did he think I entertained any romantic ideas about him?  What gave him that impression?  I was a gracious host and went out of my way to make sure he had a nice time, but I am Brazilian and that is what we do when we have a visitor, any visitor.  You come to my house you will get the VIP treatment.

Why the need to say anything? I am curious and yet have learned that I don’t need to know everything.  So I will not ask him why he thought he needed to clarify something that I thought was more than clear.

I just replied: It is great when everyone is in agreement!

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” 
― Rita Rudner

I am not disappointed with e-Harmony. This time around I am okay with it.  I guess it has to do with expectations.  I am not in it to find the One, I am there mostly as distraction and to meet people.  If I find the One in the process it will be wonderful, but if I don’t it is okay too.  I like the idea of putting myself out there and meeting different people. I have met men that I would not have met otherwise.  While learning about them I realized I learned even more about myself. Just wonderful!

Since I am my biggest fan, I applaud my resilience, my willingness to get out there and try.  I love how thick skinned I have gotten.  One thing I am realizing is that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have my freedom and independence.  I can do whatever I want, whenever I want!

It is not about finding a partner anymore.  It is about enjoying this very moment!

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” 
― Walt Whitman

When the right thing is also the hardest thing!

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

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“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”  ― Kahlil Gibran

Last night was my last timr at the Nursing Home.  I went to say good bye to some of the residents.  I didn’t want to just suddenly not show up anymore.  I didn’t  want them thinking that I deserted them.  I think they have too much of that in their lives already.

It was not easy to follow through on the decision to stop volunteering there, but it was the right decision for me.  The director and I didn’t see eye to eye.  I respect their need for security and all the rules, but it made me feel like I could only volunteer if there was someone to watch me.  That didn’t sit well with me.  I need a place more flexible, with less structure that I can come and go as I please.

I tried to hold back tears as I explained to residents that this was good bye.  I was very wisely reminded by one of the residents not to say good bye, but to say see you soon.  Some took the news better than others.   I guess some are used to being let down.  Unfortunately I did just that.

I cried when their sad eyes asked me why.  I cried even more when Claude, one of the residents, said:  “You have to come back, I need you!”  I was happy that he eventually understood how I felt (or pretended to) and went on to dictate a letter to be sent to his son.  He made a point of mentioning me in the letter.

Deep in my heart I know I am making a decision that works for me at this point in time.  I have always listened to my heart, and this is another instance where I am letting my heart be my guide even if it hurts.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I still want to give back.  So my search for volunteer works continues…

…and the friends that I made at the nursing home will be forever in my heart.  I have their names and I will send them a letter every now and then. There is something in me that says that perhaps I was getting too attached to them, or perhaps I am trying to looking for reasons to support my decision.

This feels right, but it is not easy!  I know there will be a place for me, I just have to keep searching.

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

No good deed goes unpunished!

30 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Volunteering

≈ 39 Comments

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I am crying, sobbing like a baby…  well it is PMS time so I am bound to cry over something.  This time I am crying out of sadness and anger.  I don’t know if it were not for PMS if I would be this emotional, but right now I feel so misunderstood and unappreciated.

It turns out that my days volunteering at the nursing home are over! Yep, you heard me right, over!  That didn’t last longer.  It took longer to get everything in order to volunteer.

Here is what happened:

I normally go to the nursing home on Monday nights for 2 hours and I just visit the residents.  In the beginning they were not sure what I would be doing, so they had me tag along and visit,  and I  realized that is what I enjoy doing.  I feel I would be the most helpful bringing joy and warmth to some people that seem to be forgotten.

This week I couldn’t go on Monday because I went to the opening night at the US Open tennis, so I wrote an email that I was going Tuesday instead.  I went Tuesday and was very happy when one of the nurses told me how happy and appreciative they were that I was able to go and visit.  I had asked her to let me know if I was interfering with anything.  She said absolutely not, that in fact I am a big help and I should come as often as I can.

That evening J., one of the residents, mentioned needing to talk to me (she has been talking about finding me a boyfriend – lol) but she couldn’t do it at that moment because her roommate was already sleeping.  She made me promised to return the following evening (Wed).

Because of the comments of the nurse I was under the impression that I could show up at any time.  So I returned on Wednesday to see J, and of course, since I was already there, I went on to say hello to some of the others.

As I was leaving 2 hours later, around 8pm, the Head Nurse was at the front lobby desk and with an attitude she started questioning me and asking me if anyone knew I was there.  I said that I was there visiting and I didn’t think that they needed to know when I visited.  After all, visitors are allowed in any time until 10pm.  I mentioned to her that if the problem was that I signed the volunteer book I wouldn’t do that next time.

I was offended and could feel my face burning up and I walked out holding back the tears.  I am a very sensitive creature to begin with and PMS turns me into a cry baby.  My first instinct was to get home and immediately send an email to the Director of Volunteers and quit, but because I am becoming more aware of myself, actions and reactions I decided not to act on impulse.  I also know that the end of the month is her busiest time of the month and decided to respect that and talk to her later.

Well, it turns out that S. spoke to the director and here is the email I received from her:

” I really appreciate your enthusiasm in volunteering and coming in late in the evenings to visit.. However, you really should only volunteer when our staff members are present.  Also, please continue letting me know if you decide to come in  (like you have been doing) on days that you were not originally planning to, so I can let my staff and/or front desk know.. On Monday and Tuesday 2K and 2S, you can volunteer up until 8PM with D., and then for the rest of the week, B. and D. are only there till 7PM. So I guess for the front desk person, it looked a little strange when you showed up after the recreation people were no longer there (even if they were, their work hour would be over by then). It this situation changes,  I will let you know (as I really think we do need evening visitors!)—that is if you can just come in even when the staff members are not here.. But I will just need to clear it with the administration. Hope that’s Ok with you!  Again, thank you so much for everything. Our residents and recreation staff love you!!  My ladies think you are great with the residents!”

Here is my reply: (and I did reply on impulse…oh well…so much for getting to know myself and working on not being so reactive all the time)

“No it is not okay with me.  I didn’t appreciate how S. talked to me yesterday.  That was after being very happy when B. (she dispenses medicine) told me how great it was that I could come and visit on Tuesdays.  I guess I was under the wrong impression that I could show up any time and visit my friends.

I showed up yesterday because I had promised J.  I would. I guess I should have not signed the volunteer book.  My visit was going to be only 15 minutes but I lost track of timing as I decided to say hello to my others resident.

It is very unfortunate that you have to take time out of your busy schedule to deal with this.  So I will just make it easy on everybody and not volunteer anymore.  I thank you and apologize for wasting your time.  But that old saying is really true: “No good deed goes unpunished!”

I hope it will not be a problem for me to still show up as visitor to visit some of the new dear friends I have made.  I would hate for them to think that I just abandoned them!  Let me know if there is anyone I need to speak to in regards to that.  I guess I can just check on the website for the visiting hours.

Again I am sorry you had to waste time for something I did.”

So my plan is to go back to visit my new friends.  I am sure they cannot stop me from doing that.  The residents know me and have huge smiles when they see me.  When I say good bye they always ask me to come again.

I realize that at this moment I feel on my skin the way the residents feel.  They all tell me that they don’t like to be told what to do and when to do it.  Because I always visit in the evenings I witness them having to wait around to be put to bed.  I understand the staff does their best and try to accommodate everyone as quick as they can and with a smile, but still to the resident is a loss of their independence and control over their own lives.  I try to play it off and say how we are all slaves to some sort of clock and rules.  I mention having to wait for things all the time such as a train or an appointment, and having to respect a schedule at work (which I actually don’t but the point is making them feel they are not alone in feeling helpless and out of control at times).

I understand them.  I hate being told what to do, especially in this case when I know I am doing good and only have goodness in my heart.  Their smiles and laughter at the crazy stories I tell them about my life (I tell them about dates and my family and day to day happenings) not only tell me that I am bringing joy, but it warms my heart and brings me joy.

Lucky for me I am not a resident there,  I don’t have to play politics with this nursing home at this point.  I don’t have to obey their rules.  At this point in my life I can just walk away from things I don’t like.

I am not afraid of growing old or dying, I am afraid of becoming dependent on others.

****

As I was about to publish this I get a reply to my reply:

I am sorry this is how you feel. I would not want to lose you as a volunteer. Maybe we can talk on the phone. I spoke with S, and she really did not mean anything bad. She said she was sorry you felt the way you did. She was just doing her job.  We did have bad some experiences with unsupervised evening visitors. We also recently had instances of people just coming in and roaming around..  So we have undertaken extra-precautions.  Our primary concern is residents’ safety. And that is why it is a  the front desk’s person job to make sure they know who people are visiting , where they are going and why.  That is why the volunteer hours are specifically agreed upon by both volunteers and myself,  so that I can tell the night staff that people are coming.. For instance, your first day here, I told everyone that you were coming and to expect you. Of course, mature and responsible volunteers like yourself can probably visit in the evenings on their own, but I, as a director, am responsible for where they are going, and if I am not here, then, it’s other staff members who need to keep track—again, it’s really all done for residents’ safety.  Also, in my experience, you are the first volunteer who wanted to put in extra time—which is wonderful and much appreciated, but unfortunately, it is not common. I have just undertaken the volunteer department last November, so it will take some time for people to get used to  and understand how to treat different volunteers who only want to visit out of goodness of their hearts. But again, in the evenings, we do have to be extra-careful-that is why all we ask to let us know ahead of time.. I would love to talk to you more on the phone to explain, — maybe next week?

What next?  I don’t know! I don’t feel like replying.  I don’t feel like wasting any more time and breath on this.  I just know that all this seems stupid, a waste of people’s time and effort on a problem that shouldn’t be a problem to begin with.  Everyone is so worried about making sure they are “doing their jobs” and covering their ass.  What about reason and common sense?

… perhaps I am extra sensitive now, perhaps in a few days I will have a different view.

to be continued …

Being a bridesmaid is for the birds!

21 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I should be happy that my friend asked me to be in her Bridal Party.  I am in fact  honored, but it is all such a hassle.  I was never one of those girls into these types of celebrations.  To me going to baby showers and bridal showers are a chore that I’d rather pass on.

I am guessing a contributing factor for my dislike for things bridal and baby is that I never yearned to have one of those for my own.  I grew up saying that I would never get married and that I would adopt if I ever wanted any kids.

All of a sudden I wake up and the missing ring on my finger and the missing baby in my arms is weighing heavily on me.  What, is it too late to change my mind? Why am I not allowed to change my mind?  Where did time go? What do I do now? Do I call life unfair?  Do I blame myself? Is this a life sentence? Do I marry the first willing guy?  What about the baby?

I try not to dwell on what could have been.  But I am only human and some times there is this little voice inside me that wishes things could have been different.  I relish myself on living a full life independent of what is or is not missing in it.  Lately my mantra has been:  “If you don’t have everything you love, love everything you have!”

I just surprised myself now,  this post was supposed to be about my awful experience shopping for a bridesmaid dress and the problems encountered:

1) too many choices.  the bride wanted to be nice and is allowing all the bridesmaids choose different dress styles, as long as it is Champagne and long.  This is a problem for indecisive me.

2) the worst salesperson ever.  Had me trying dresses that were not available in the color I needed, and twice I had to hunt her down on the sales floor only to find her staring lost in space.

3) lack of good choices. It seems that 99% of the styles are strapless and if somebody has been blessed in the breast department as I have it is just not flattering.  Yes folks, besides being blessed with the metaphorical star on my forehead I have been real blessed in the breast department!

4) crazy prices.  How can I in sane conscience pay over $200.00 (and that is choosing the cheapest dress plus alterations)  for a dress that I will never wear again.

It seems more of a hassle and waste of money.  I spent the entire Saturday hunting for a dress.  I went to so many stores and came back home empty handed. 

If it was only the dress, it wouldn’t be so bad, but when you add shoes, hair, nails,  make up, hotel, car rental, this can be as much as a nice skiing vacation.  Oh and not to mention the gift, that I still have no idea what that will be.  Any ideas?

By the way the only other wedding that I was a bridesmaid, they got divorced a year later.  Just saying…

oh gosh, I am sounding like a bitter old maid! I am making it all about me while the whole point is my friend and her celebration. It is not all about me and what is good for me.  Sometimes you do stuff you don’t care for, you spend money you don’t have, you wear what you don’t like, all because you love someone and their happiness is important to you.  This friend is important to me!  Therefore I am putting on a happy face and I am going to be the best, most helpful bridesmaid ever!

So, I will save this longing for a baby for the next post!