Tag Archives: relationships

An open letter to my Friend … Letting go of pain and fear and embracing the moment!

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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(this started as an e-mail to my friend after a long conversation last night.  

Dear Friend, this is to you, and to me, and to all in pain!)

I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words.  But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. I wish I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.

I hope one day to come up with a magic word that will snap you out of the past and into the present. Until then I will keep trying with the weapons I have: brutal honesty peppered with humor all enveloped in love.

I wish I could just give you a hug and hold you for a long time and be held by you for a long time.  I want to be like that as day turns into night and then into day again. I just think that you need to be handled with love and care like I do. And I am not talking about sex (even though, that probably wouldn’t be so bad either), I am just talking human touch and connection.  Just that feeling of somebody being there for you – no words necessary!

I don’t know the extent of your hurt and your pains from the past, but I know that is holding you back from being in the present and looking to a future.  I don’t want to compare my pain with your pain.  We all hurt in different ways and different degrees.  We all deal with it in different ways.  I really have no business telling you what to do, how to react and how to feel.  But being a friend allows me no other choice.  I have to tell you how I feel.

.. and in writing this to you I realize I am also writing it to myself!

I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME.  I don’t want anything from you.  I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! That is why I make the most stupid jokes, all in an attempt to hear your laughter!

I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion.  You have morals and lives by them! What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, fallible, caring and sensitive.

I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past!

I want you to stop fearing your future! Live the now in full!  Be here completely now!

You are not your past and your past is not you! Right now you can decide who you want to be and what life and future you want.

Respect the pain! Don’t run away or try to bury your past: expose it, confront it, feel it, cry it, mourn it, forgive it, and then let it go! Stop dragging it around with you.  It is such a heavy baggage and it has no place in your present and future.

Forgive the people that hurt you in the past!  Only when you forgive them, you are able to leave them where they belong:  in the past.  Let them be just a page on your big book of life. You have no idea of the pain that they could be carrying themselves.  Whatever they did to you it was not because of you but because of their own pains and their inabilities of dealing with it and communicating their needs. Wish them well, pray for them.  I still pray for Ex and wish him only the best in life. The peace that I get whenever I send him good thoughts is priceless to me.  It frees me.  It pacifies my heart!

Forgive yourself! Even if you think that you caused yourself pain in the past or that somehow you did something to deserve it, realize that you are a flawed human being. You will make mistakes every now and then – making mistakes is part of our growing.  The key here is to acknowledge it, learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go!

Believe in God without any question! Believe that there is a reason for everything, even in the hurt.  If you believe that God is a loving and merciful God than what do you fear? What do you doubt?  Pray, meditate, talk to God, tell him your fears, place your fears in his hands and let it go!

Be grateful! Remember to thank God for the goodness he has blessed you with.  Remember to be thankful for everything you have in life. Be grateful for your health and the health of family members, for the job you have, for the house you live in and the car you drive.  Be grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and the benefits of the rain, for the food you just had and for the smile of a stranger!

Pain is necessary and unavoidable! The pain was necessary to get you to where you are today!  But it is your choice to wallow in self pity or gain strength from it and move on.  And don’t get me wrong, the future won’t be only love and joy, you will probably get hurt again, but that is called living!  If were not for the bad, the good wouldn’t have any flavor.

The best is yet to come. We both thought that our last relationships were amazing and the one that we were destined to be with, but guess what? Life has bigger and better things in store for us.  That was just an appetizer for the feast that lies ahead!

Am I just fooling myself?  Perhaps, but who really knows what the future holds? No one, but God (if you believe), so choose to live a life that is full of promise.  Concentrate on today and love and live the most that you can! Send to the Universe that idea the your future is so bright you will need sunglasses 24/7.

Hurt? Hurt is growing pains! Hurt is just the price that we have to pay for the ultimate happiness!

Stop looking for answers! Sometimes in life there are no answers.  People behave in the ways they behave and sometimes it makes no sense and there is no explanation.  Yes, they could have been honest and open and upfront about whatever was troubling them instead of blindsiding us with “we are over”.

See hardships as gifts! I totally believe that when people break up with us they are doing us a favor! Of course I wish the break up was different. Pain and hurt are there to makes us stronger.  It forces one to confront themselves and either fall apart or thrive!  It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves and be the best that we can be!  There is an unique lesson here and we need/want to make sure not to miss it!

Enjoy life-don’t let fear hold you back! I want you to go out and dance and date! Try again, as many times as necessary! (yeah I must admit this was a real tough one for me to write.  There is nothing I dread more than you finding someone and my dreams of ever meeting you and perhaps being more than friends will have to come to an end.  But when you love someone you have to put their needs ahead of your wants.)

LIVE! LOVE! AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, WHENEVER YOU CAN! That is my dream and hope for you!

(Thank you Ex for making my pain so unbearable that I started writing a blog so I would not explode. Were not for that, I would not have gotten back to my love of writing.  Were not for that I would not  have met so many great people that genuinely care and graciously offer their love in the form of comments. Were not for that I would have not met my Friend – the one that I am sure was part of my life in a previous existence.  He walked straight into my heart!. My heart doesn’t have an exit door!  Once you are in you are there to stay)

 

Counting the days until I am free from e-harmony!

26 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating

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I joined e-Harmony about 5 months ago. When I joined I didn’t have grand illusions of finding “the One”. I simply wanted to go on dates every now and then. I guess my real hope was that the attention of men would keep my mind off of Ex.

From the beginning e-Harmony was a letdown. In the second month I wrote about it: http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/14/so-far-e-harmony-sucks/

From there things just gotten worst!

I am glad that my sentence, I mean subscription, is coming to an end at the end of the month. I am tired of feeling rejected by people that I don’t even know and that don’t even know me.   I think that there is something very wrong with e-Harmony.  I don’t know what the problem is, but there has to be an explanation for the lack of responses I have received.  And I know, I know that some of you know at least one couple that met through e-Harmony, still I think that the number of happy couples is probably very low when compared with the number of total members they have.

I have an honest profile (describing exactly who I am and what I want) and honest pictures (nothing professional, but pictures showing what I love to do, skiing, at the US Open, on vacation). What I want in a man? Honesty is the number one requirement. I want a man that likes himself, likes to travel, has a good heart, has a sense of humor. I appreciate a man that loves his family, likes animals and is curious about the world. It would be nice if he likes sports – both watching and playing. I want a man that is spiritual and believes in God.  I want a man that looks to improve himself, physically and mentally.  I don’t think I am asking too much.  At any rate, I am only asking for what I am willing to offer.

I have had a grand total of 1 date! Yes only 1! I know it is quality and not quantity that I should be after but only 1 in 5 months sounds a bit ridiculous. I must say that that one date was terrific even though there was no love connection. I wrote about it here:  http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/29/first-e-harmony-date/ I am even going to visit him in a couple of weeks. So I should count myself lucky for having made a friend.  But honestly I signed up to get dates.

The last couple of months I wasn’t even checking e-harmony anymore. I just have been waiting for my subscription to be over, so that I stop feeling like I am paying to be rejected.

But to make sure that I had given it my 100% effort, 2 weeks ago I made a point of sending every single match that they sent me an ice-breaker saying: “I would love to chat”. I sent it to everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone!! I wanted to test it.  I figure that if I didn’t wait to be contacted and reached out to everyone I would at least get some responses.  I expected that out of the 30/40 men a few would reply and I would know, at least, that there are some live matches and would be able to at least think that e-harmony was doing their job.

So after 2 weeks guess how many responses I received. NONE!.  No kidding, not a single one! I don’t know about you, but I find that incredible!  To me that means something is horribly wrong with their site or matching system. They are probably matching me with people who are no longer registered in the service and therefore no longer receiving ice-breakers (they keep the profile of non-members up).  Also, I specified I wanted people closer to me and they give me matches from places as far as Singapore and Australia, to name a few.

No matter what the reason is, it was just a confirmation that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I don’t even want to ask for my money back. I believe they did me a favor.  Ultimately it was a blessing not to be bombarded with e-mails and engage in relationships right after the break-up. The time alone has been intensely rewarding and necessary.  From starting my blog to tennis lessons, from reaching out to old friends to making new ones, I am busy and happy!

I believe that trying to take shortcuts after a breakup eventually backfires.  I was trying to immediately replace Ex.  I failed to realize that a relationship that lasted 3 years, and that for the most part was amazing deserved my respect.  I had to spend time feeling the pain fully, mourning the end of a dream and going through all of the 5 stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) . I was trying to skip steps, trying to run before I can even walk, and in the end that would  have caused more heartaches.

What next? Match.com? Plenty of Fish? No more online dating for me! At least not for now – I do reserve the right to change my mind.  As far as e-harmony I will not change my mind, I am never doing that again!

For now I am staying put just going about my day and pursuing my interests.  I am making a point of being fully present in the moment, loving and living each moment to the best of my ability.

I am working on myself, mind, spirit and body and being the best that I can.  I do have my eyes, heart and mind open and when that lucky guy comes around (and perhaps he is already here) I will be more ready, better able and ever willing!

So officially on August 1 I am free from e-harmony! So, goodbye it has not been fun!

We can be brighter than the sun!

12 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Poetry

≈ 16 Comments

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Because I am duality personified: One day I cry over a lost love, the next I smile dreaming and welcoming a new one.  Because fear of getting hurt again doesn’t scare me!

So, this is to you, brand new, dare I say it? yes I dare, LOVE!

Because I dare to dream I dare to want you

I dare to want you because I dare to dream

In this sacred space that is called heart

I have made room for you, and yet it is not a prison – you can always get out

But if you choose to leave some remnants of what never was will always be

Because the dark crying days makes me want you more

The magic of what it is to come is too tempting to pass up

I wished I had waited for you and be yours to discover for the first time

I hoped and pursued, and in each failed one I hoped for you

But your arrival is still doubtful, your fears are consuming, almost paralyzing

And in the pieces of my broken heart I see the future even more bright

I am in love with the now, with all the promises that it holds

Nothing better than to wonder when we will meet, to dream about the details

Who needs reality? All my dreams awake and asleep are you

Will you be as hungry for me as I am for you?

Turning my bedroom into a battle zone, messing up my hair and my mind in the end

I want all that intimacy again, but I want more and I want better

I want to be taken and savored and fall sleep exhausted in your arms

In the meantime I wait, for you to come and take what is yours

And yet there is no pressure, nothing will change, because in all this I am just being me

Simply loving, without fully knowing, completely giving without reservations

Taking huge leaps of faiths, willing to fall and get hurt again

My mind tries, but the heart is always in control, so there is no choice but to offer myself completely

**

Because sometimes a song illustrates so well what I want to say.  This song is for you because I think our love can be brighter than the sun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KU5o6M7S5nQ

“Brighter Than The Sun” – Colbie Caillat

Stop me on the corner
I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go with it
Don’t you blink you might miss it
See we got a right to just love it or leave it
You find it and keep it
Cause it ain’t every day you get the chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

I’ve never seen it, I found this love, I’m gonna feed it
You better believe, I’m gonna treat it better than anything I’ve ever had
Cause you’re so damn beautiful
Read it, it’s signed and delivered let’s seal it
Boy we go together like peanuts and paydays and Marley and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Everything is like a white out, cause we shika-shika a shine down
Even when the, when the light’s out but I can see you glow
Got my head up in the rafters, got me happy ever after
Never felt this way before, ain’t felt this way before

I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go?

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun

Hanging on for dear life!

10 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 55 Comments

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Yesterday was a days of ups and downs. One minute laughing, the next crying.

UP. I woke up happier than usual, for the first time in several months I have slept 6 hours straight!

DOWN. I was walking to the station and all of a sudden next to me there is this man with a huge snake around his neck. All snake lovers out there please forgive me but I am terrified of snakes.  It is more than that, to me they are always an omen of an impeding catastrophe.

UP. When returning the rental car the bill was $100 less than it was quoted. (by the way I rented a car to drive to Atlantic City to see Kanye West, I will write a post about at some point)

DOWN. We fired an employee.  I am sad and scared for him.  His life was already a mess, I am afraid that he may spiral out of control.  On the other hand this could be the best thing that ever happened to him.  Sometimes a person doesnt see a way out until they hit rock bottom.

UP. The books I ordered for a friend arrived and I was so excited to mail it to them. I truly enjoy giving gifts better than receiving. I can’t wait for him to get them!

MAJOR DOWN. Ex e-mails me to confirm that I am not going away with him to an event this weekend and letting me know there are still tickets left.  He also added that he hoped we could remain in touch.

It brought back a whole host of happy memories of the same event last year.  Was it all lies? Was I alone in my happiness and didn’t know it?

I replied thank you for the information and all the best, that is all I said.  Of course that was a green light for him to e-mail again. I ignored the following e-mail. But the damage was already done I was already a pile of tears.

I e-mailed my friend, or perhaps I should call him “my rock”. He pointed out some things to me:

1) I am not really completely over Ex, and perhaps there will always be something there.

2) If I really want to get over him I need to be tough and take a stand on any contact.

3) He is really not respecting my wishes about invitations.

4) He thinks that I will give in and have a relationship on his terms (booty call, vacation buddy)

5) I have to give up the idea of being friends with him.  If he was at least honest about his wrongdoing but he refuses to acknowledge and talk about it.  I cannot be friends with somebody I don’t respect.

5) I was being a bit of a masochist in trying to continue a relationship with him.

And he is right on all counts! So I once again resolve not to ever reply to any contact again.

Thank God the work day is coming to an end.

UP. I got to the lobby of my building and one of the doormen calls me aside and says that it is his last day working here, and I am one person that he wanted to make sure to say good bye because as he puts it: “you are always smiling and so happy, so pleasant, a joy to be around”. It is rewarding to hear that. No matter what is going on inside I try to always have a smile on my face and spread joy to those around me.

UP. I went to my Zumba class, actually the instructor corrected me, her class is not Zumba, it is Cuban Fusion – same difference if you ask me, fun all the same. It was amazing.  I love to dance.  I felt so happy and high as a kite after the class.

MAJOR DOWN.  Another email from Ex waiting for me at home.  Once again he is talking about the event.  I realized that by replying some times and silence others I was sending him mixed signals and still leaving the door open. So I wrote him a final e-mail.  This e-mail came straight from the pain in my heart. I said it all over again, but this time I asked him not to contact me in any way, shape or form.  Up to now I had asked him not to invite me to trips and dinners, but I dont think I ever said do not contact me at all.

It is hard to explain, but how can I close the door on a part of me? He, I realize, still has my heart in his hands.

***

How do I feel now? I am not sure. It feels over.  It feels I am missing part of my body and I will never get it back.  While I absolutely don’t want him back, I guess I still liked the idea of having him in my life. I still liked to hear from him.  It is hard to imagine that I will have no contact with someone that I shared everything for 3 years, someone that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life.  It is hard to write this, to face this.

Now it is in writing, it is in black and white.  And I am making myself a promise not to reply to any contact, if ever he tries again.

it feels final! and sad, and painful all over again!

****

I just received an e-mail from him saying that he is not happy but he will comply with my wishes.  He also added all the same bs, that he loves me, that he misses me and cries about me, but we can’t be together now, he is just too busy with business, etc. That he hopes that if I cannot be his lover, that I choose to be his friend and keep in touch.

cry me a river!

***

I am fine, some would say I am thriving.  My life hasn’t stopped because my heart is in pieces and my insides in shambles.

Lately the good days have been outnumbering the bad days.

Moments of never wanting to fall in love again are rare.  Moments of excitement of a new somebody are constant.

I am enjoying discovering feelings for somebody new.  Somebody, who is just a friend now. Actually he is not “just” a friend. He is a FRIEND!  Having feelings for somebody else makes me feel that life is not over.  Still, days such as yesterday makes me aware that the pain is still fresh, that Ex still means something, that I should go slow and not use one person to try to forget another.

So, I fall, I get up, I fall again and I get up again! I know I will always get up, thanks to God and all the angels he puts in my path!

(all images from google images)

Love is a Battle I am willing to fight!

26 Tuesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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I am looking at the search for love as a battle.  The prize is finding my true soul-mate (and I accept no imitations!)

After losing a war, when do you get back in the battlefield? I am probably going against the majority when I say you have to get back as soon as possible!  Before you allow the task to seem too daunting!

I have lost a lot of wars and perhaps I will lose a few more, but with each one I gain more knowledge about what kind of warrior I am.  With each loss I don’t lose faith, I gain assurance that I am one step closer.   Each war lost is a step towards the goal; it is one road block removed.  It is an impostor gone, making room for the real thing.

I may retreat for a moment to regain my energy and equilibrium.  I cry, I pray, I make adjustments, I improve and I get back on the horse.

With such high stake on the line I cannot afford to be too scared or too tired to fight.  Taking too long to re-start the battle makes the task seem insurmountable.  If I stay away too long I may become intimidated, I may think my enemy is stronger than I am.  I may develop self defeating thoughts.  If I allow such thoughts to populate my mind I have lost the battle before I even started.

The search for a partner does not mean unhappiness.  I am happy alone.  The search for a partner means that I believe in romance and fairy tale and I am not willing to let that go no matter how difficult the battle proves to be.  I want someone to be my refuge and fortress and I want to be his.  I want to slow dance this long song called Life with someone special!

I don’t need a partner, I want one! Is it my right? No! Is it my obligation? No! It is a pleasure and a dream that I am willing to go after and fight for! Well, in a way I guess it is a need, since my heart needs love to survive!

So I show up ready for a fight! And I use all weapons that God gave me.

I don’t spend any energy thinking about what went wrong in the past.  So perhaps I could have done things different, not revealed my game so soon, noticed the signs,  but why stay there in the past?  The past losses are not the center of my memories.  I look at how well I fought even when I lost.  I look at how I fought with integrity and not taking shots below the belt. I take the good moments in the battlefield, I count my losses and I move on.

And I spend even less time worrying about what can go wrong in the future.  All around us are people and things trying to defeat us, so I make a point of being in my own corner, of being my own cheerleader!  I am positive and think I can win until I the last bell has sounded.  I look at the bottom line, I think at what I am about to gain!  Above all I enjoy the battle itself, that maneuvering and outmaneuvering that goes on like an intricate dance!   For a warrior battle is life!

I also like to think that by not staying away from the fight I am honoring God and Life.  God gave me a heart full of love to give.  God made passion my essence.  I am not going to negate my true self to appease the ones that think it is too soon or it is too much of a long shot! I like challenges, the harder I have to fight the sweeter will be the taste of victory!

Hey Universe, hear me loud and clear:  I still believe! I don’t doubt love for a moment. I am ready, willing and able!  I will be in my deathbed believing my true soul-mate is somewhere out there and he will eventually, not only find me, but fight for me!

shhh! Do you hear that? oh, it is just the Universe conspiring to give me what I want!

Of prayers, expectations, love and hope!

23 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 37 Comments

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(pic courtesy of google images)

My favorite voice on the phone got me thinking about God’s answer to our prayers. Well, he got me thinking about a whole lot of other stuff too but we don’t want to go there!  We want to keep this blog PG13.

We are both at a stage in our lives that we are thinking about spiritual growth and we are doing that while mending a broken heart or perhaps as a result of it.  We are both trying to look past our wants and focus on our needs – we want to feed our starving soul!  We want to be more grateful, we don’t want to take a single breath for granted.  We want to give more than we receive and yet we want to make sure that we don’t forget ourselves.  Above all we want love in our lives.

While my friend is very focused and working hard,  I am more laid back and not trying so hard.   I am doing the work, but not as much as I should or could, and certainly not with the same intensity. I fear getting fanatical, specially since I know my own tendencies.  I will attack something with all might only for a few months later to be exhausted and give up.  I decided to get off of that cycle.  I just want to live the best that I can.  Yes I am changing and growing but at my own pace. I want to give my body and mind a chance to adjust to each change before moving on to the next. So it will take me longer to be physically and mentally fit but when I get there it will feel like home. It will be natural and not forced.

We don’t want to be hurt again, so we try hard not to repeat past patterns and mistakes.  Unfortunately sometimes I think we over do it.  We analyze and rationalize everything to the point of paralysis. To be questioning every single step and feelings and consequences is exhausting.  I certainly don’t want to make the same mistakes of the past.  If anything, I want to make new ones.  But I am allowing for my human condition of being flawed and of sometimes having to learn the same lesson twice, or three times.  And if the teacher happens to be a sexy handsome man, then I plan on learning the lesson with a smile on my lips and a twinkle in my eyes!

What I don’t want above all is to let my fear stop me from living!

I am allowing for myself to fall down and continue getting up as many times as necessary. Perhaps life lies somewhere in between the falling down and getting up.

Prayers. We talked about praying to God to put our soul-mates in our paths.  And a thought came to me, so I said: what if God has already answered your prayer!  What if the answer is staring you in the face (or is a voice on the other end of the line 🙂 ) and you are just not seeing it because it didn’t come in the packaging you were expecting? it didn’t come in a neat little box with a neat little bow.

That got me thinking about our expectations when we pray.  We want a certain answer and that sometimes blind us to the real answer. We pray with expectations!  Can we pray and have complete trust in God to give us, not what we want, but what we need?  Are we ready for that? Are we ready for an answer that we didn’t expect?

Are we asking or are we telling God what to do? How do we know when He has or has not answered us yet? I say the answer is in the heart – our lifeline to God. Our heart will help us see the answer – if we are open to it and listening with an open heart!

Is He going to get sick of listening to my asking for a love over and over again that he will send me just anybody to shut me up and prove to me that I was not ready for it? Be careful what you pray too much for!

God’s guidance.  So, instead I pray for guidance, wisdom and strength.  I pray that I will be able to make the right choice at the right time. I pray that I will choose the right path, not the shortest or easiest. I pray for clarity in determining my next step. And once that path has been chosen I pray for strength to handle what may come. I pray for the right teachers on my path at the right time.  And I make God a promise that if He chooses to send me love I will cherish it and work on it day and night.

Expectations.   We try to live with none, but I venture a guess that most of us fail miserably. We may think we have none, but when we look closely at our actions and reactions, all we see is the expectation of a certain result. We work out to be healthy, but aren’t we deep down inside expecting to be great looking to attract the opposite sex? We go to work and do our best and we get a paycheck, but aren’t we also expecting recognition and praise? My ultimate goal is to remove all expectations but I realize that is the Mount Everest of tall orders.

Divine Timing. It is not when I want and when I think I am ready for it.  I have to respect the Universe’s timing.  I am a good person, I do good, I do no harm, I pray with faith, I have hope, but what if I am not done learning yet?  What if I am meant to kiss a lot more frogs, before I am ready for the one.  And I mean frogs with the utmost respect for the amphibians.

While we wait for the one,  life is happening.  Life waits for no one. I cannot put life on hold until the time is right. I cannot tell life to come back in 6 months.  Life is here and now, and I say embrace it!

And what if the one is right here? You prayed for it, you receive it, and now you are complaining about timing and other minor details? Sounds a bit ungrateful – lol

and, if better still, what if there is not a “one”. What if there is a series of ones? or what if there is just myself? I dare say I am ok with it!! More of the reason to enjoy the now and the one right now!

God’s Will. My God is not mean, and He doesn’t play cruel jokes, but he does have a sense of humor!   God’s will will  triumph, so why do we have to fight it sometimes? There is a reason for you to be put in my path! There is a reason we were drawn to each other.   Can we just relax long enough to see what that reason is? Why do we need to have a label for this? Why do we need to know from the get go what this will become? Why do we need to have a plan? (and at that word God is laughing, because our plans are nothing but our trying to control fate!)

Free Will.  ah the contradictions, His will will triumph in the end, and yet he gives us free will to pursue life. We can choose the little details that beautify life.  We can choose to love willing, we can choose right from wrong.  And we can choose to make this a passing cloud or a lingering thunderstorm. Our choice!

We are a clear canvas that we get to paint any way we see fit.  It doesn’t have to make sense to anybody else. Real or abstract it is ours, and all the potential in that is not lost on me.

We must not forget the consequences, because with Free Will comes consequences! Well, Miss Optimistic here think that consequences are rewards, validation, blue skies.

Relinquishing Control.  We spend so much time trying to mold things our way, trying to control the uncontrollable.  Perhaps we should just relax, give ourselves license to just be and let nature take its course. Stop trying to swim against the current. The more we try to control the less control we have, truer words have never been spoken!

I have to learn to let God sometimes to take the wheel, sometimes it is okay for me to just close my eyes and enjoy the ride.

Possibilities. You came into my life to show me possibilities. You came to wake me up.  I am wide awake, now what? Now the question is how long are you staying?  While I see the potential, possibilities, the all good, you see the problems, the logistical issues, the timing issue, the all bad. How ironic that the one that awoke in me possibilities cannot see them?

Daily gifts. I am going to see people coming into my life as gifts, and I will treat them as such! How they feel about me should not matter. People are gifts to my soul. They will teach me, make me smile, make me wonder, they will test my patient, but above all they will make me feel alive. You are my gift! and I am not returning it!

Blessings in disguise.  Perhaps we are not exactly what we each had in mind, but perhaps we are just what the doctor ordered at this moment in time.  Perhaps what you see as problems are the reasons why it is so perfect. Perhaps you need to broaden your view. How many times we look back and realize we failed to see a blessing and wish we could do it over?

Until our next conversation…

Thank you God for the beauty of unexpected friends. Thank you for helping me leave the door open so that the unexpected can come in.  May I have the grace to continue leaving the door open so that the unexpected does not feel trapped!

**

My wish for us: Moments of silence to listen to our hearts and courage to acknowledge the screaming of our souls!

… letting my heart be my guide…

19 Tuesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 58 Comments

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To the one that moves me:

Yesterday I didn’t know you existed.  Today I would miss you if you were gone!  I would miss your words, your voice and your laughter.  I would miss what you do to my mind, heart and body. I would miss the possibilities and the anticipation.

And yet our bodies never touched.

Your words slowly moved in. With each word I saw you, with each word I knew you.  My heart and my mind began slow dancing to “what ifs”.

You have all the things I appreciate in a man: you see the humor in life, you have a honest heart, you have been hurt in your past,  you are happy in your present, and you have hope for your future.  You take being a father seriously and you are a grateful son!

You took the first step and my heart sang the beginning notes of a love affair! I welcomed you with open arms.

While I throw caution to the wind and jump in head first (not taking time to check if this is perhaps another shallow pool), you are afraid of getting wet.

You are conflicted.  You wrestle with thoughts such as: Too soon?  Too fast?  Too far? You fear getting hurt again.  We both have been hurt before, more times than we care to count.  You contemplate not trying again. To me not trying is a sin!

I cannot deny that it is indeed too soon, it is too fast and it is too far.  But who gets to decide when the time is right, at what pace to go and what is the correct distance?    I don’t know what this is either.  I just know it feels too good to not try!

I cannot say it is going to work, I cannot say it will last. But not matter if it is a day or a year I plan on showing 100% and giving my all. If my heart gets broken again, so be it! I am not afraid! Never was, never will be!  I don’t know how to pace myself; I don’t know how to lower the speed.  Perhaps time to learn and change? I can’t!  I don’t know how! I don’t want to! I rather live and die being me! Showing up in full and hurting completely!

I see beauty and opportunity in the different, the unexpected, the not so safe, and the not so sure.  I enjoy proving people wrong or getting hurt in the process.  My ego wears armor.   I enjoy honoring my feelings.  I enjoy love affairs with the unlovable!  What is the virtue in loving the easy, pretty, safe right across the street?

I don’t want safe and proper! I want to take chances.  I don’t regret failing, I regret not trying!

You gave my mind flight, you gave my heart fancy, and you give my body feelings that still linger in the next morning.

What if this is all it is? What if there is not forever? What if this never gets out of the gate, what if never leaves the starting line? Still I would think it was all worth, for you pulled me out of the dead calm, out of the pained soul, out of just being and brought me back to life.  Out of arid land you made me flourish once again. You were necessary to me; you were a wakeup call! You repaired my heart, you melted my soul, and you made my juices flow. So take a moment now and take a bow!

I plan on no holds barred fun. I plan on being the ride of your life!

For the duration I plan on showing up in full, bare body and soul.  I promise complete honesty, even if it hurts.   I plan on transparency.  I plan on placing my heart in your hands!

BUT,

Ignore all I wrote up to now! I didn’t come here to try to make up your mind! I didn’t come here to plead my case!

Don’t worry about hurting me. I realize that I am the only that can do that.  I am stronger and taking full control and responsability for my feelings and how I react to other’s role in my life.

I am here to say that whatever you do, whatever you choose you have my blessing.  If you follow your heart or your mind, that is completely up to you.  As a friend I am supporting whatever path you take!

What is important is that you look in the mirror and is proud of the person you see! What is important is that you make a choice based on your convictions and your God.

At the end of the day you have to make sure that you honored your feelings and that you were true to yourself!

Just don’t be afraid of living! Because that would be a real shame!

… And if we never meet I plan on treasuring all the images and possibilities my mind created and move on feeling better than ever before!

The Burial

18 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 25 Comments

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This is about my final (I hope) meeting with Ex. I know in my heart that I will eventually be friends with him, but for now I just need and want distance and peace!

Before the meeting:

I am anxious and scared! Am I scared that I will end up in bed with him like every meeting before? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I am scared that I will get emotional looking at him and thinking about what we had.

I am scared that  I will bombard him with questions about things that no longer matter, such as the new girl in his life. It doesn’t really matter if the new girl is tall or short, young or old.   What is the point of wanting to know those details?

I don’t want to list all he has done wrong.    He knows what he did! And having him, once again not acknowledging my pain and his role in it it will just hurt me further.  (and yet I know that I am responsible for my feelings and reactions and that he cannot cause me pain if I don’t let him)

One thing is for sure, it does feels amazing though to be over him!  It feels powerful to not care what he thinks of me anymore.  It feels incredible that he doesn’t hold my heart in his hands anymore!

So today there are no preparations for his arrival.  There is no hair done, nails, waxing.  There is no incense burning, there is not special dress or lingerie.

I can’t wait until this is over.  This is similar to the feeling I feel right before I need to go in for another dental surgery.  I am sitting in the waiting room listening to the sound of the drill coming from another room knowing that I am next. Feeling the pain before the pain.

***

After

I am an emotional wreck! Amazing that I am here writing, but thanks to divine intervention I didn’t curl up and die, I washed my face and snapped out of it!

The moment that I closed the door on him leaving, the moment that I closed the door to my past, the phone beeps.  It is a friend texting and in a way it is future calling.  It is God telling me to look forward and stop looking back!  And I hear it loud and clear.

But let me back up and give you a summary of the evening.

I met Ex in the front of my building and he hugged me hello.  It was awkward and I felt absolutely nothing!  I thought I would cringe at his touch, but I didn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel like staying in his arms.  I am grateful that he didn’t go for a kiss hello.

We went to one of the Mexican Restaurants in the neighborhood.

I am already crying.  I am  crying from the second I saw him! I am one of those people that cry at any funeral, even if I don’t know the deceased. And in a way this is a funeral. I am attending the funeral of a fairy tale that has died a long time ago but it never got a proper burial until today.

We sit at the restaurant and I realize that I don’t know how to act. I can’t speak, I stutter.  I play with the napkin and utensils.  I am grateful he sat next to me and not accross from me so that I don’t have to look at him.

But love is a beautiful thing! I still think about his feelings, and I don’t feel like hurting him, and I know that my silence would. So, summing up a strength that I didn’t think I had, I start talking like I would talk to a friend. I tell him about my tennis lessons and my Pilates sessions.  He tells me about his businesses and volunteer work.  We manage to get through dinner and even have a few laughs.

We walk to my place because we have to finalize some paperwork, after all that is the reason he came here in the first place.  In 30 minutes we are done with the paperwork. But of course it would be too simple if that was the end of it!

He makes the mistake of inviting me to a couple of big events that are coming up that we used to attend together, and also another one that is an once in a lifetime thing that I have been dying to attend.  And that is when I can no longer hold it in.

I let it all flow, tears and words. I say all that I have inside. I talk about the hurt, the betrayal, I talk about the things I know for a fact he did, I talk about my disbelief that  he would throw a beautiful story away.

Everything that I didn’t want to ask about, I ask. Everything I didn’t want to mention, I do.

Through it all he remains mostly quiet, speaking up a few times to defend himself and to say that he didn’t know where I was getting my information from.  He mentions loving more than I would ever know. He once again says that timing for us is not right, he has to focus on his business and children.  He says he is not really dating, but seeing the girl once in awhile and spending most of his time alone, as if that somehow is supposed to makes things ok, as if that makes any sense.

I tell him not to invite me to anything and stop pretending that we are still a couple. I tell him to stop playing with my feelings and hurting me.

I was not planning on falling apart, but we all know that things don’t normally go according to plan. I don’t regret anything I said.  I also know that he didn’t really hear all I said.  He is not ready to hear and understand and acknowledge what he has done.

At the end he cried also, but I cannot tell you if there was any truth in those tears.  I would like to believe that he did have feelings for me and that he also mourns the end of our story. But I just don’t know. And I am happy to say I don’t care!

At one point he hugged me and kissed me on top of my head.  And I let him.  We stayed like that for a couple of minutes.  And then it was done.  I was ready to bury the pain, the hurt, the love, the good times, everything.

He says good night, I silently close the door! I am still crying, not from missing him or seeing him leave.  I am crying from exhaustion, from hurt, from anger, from love. My whole body aches. I think that is the feeling a marathon runner feels at the end of a race:  happy exhaustion!

At this point I am standing against the door that I just closed, unable to move. My phone beeps. It is text from a friend asking how I am. That is the beauty of life, the realization that I didn’t need to stay in that pain.  The beautiful feeling of having someone care and wonder how I was feeling.

His text and subsequent phone call were a sign from God.  His voice comes through the phone and into my ears as a hand passing over my hurt and slowly removing the dark pain.  Hearing his voice soothes me.  Hearing his voice brings me back to reality and out of the “poor me” state I was ready to drown myself in.

I realized that this perfectly timed text and phone call was God working in His mysterious way.   This person unknowingly provided me with the bridge from my past to my future.

I have learned what I needed to learn and I grateful for Ex for everything he has taught me – good and bad.  I am better than before I met him and for that I am thankful.  I am also thankful for him for helping me become the person I am today.

I have put the love and care that I have for him in a special place. I worry about him and pray that he finds contentment.

So now the past is buried and I am eager for my future, alone or with someone special.  I know God has a plan, so I have no need to worry or have any doubts.  I have always known that no matter what I am always going to be ok! And that knowledge is priceless!

Now as far as my heart goes, you can just call it Timex!

***

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nicklachey/icanthateyouanymore.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UbWTBoh7G4

Thank you for reading and supporting me and sending me your love!

When is a drink invitation just an invitation for a drink?

15 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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I think I am probably the world’s most naive 46 year old woman around!

So, when is a drink just a drink?

ok, let me explain:

I played tennis with an older gentleman for the first time a couple of weeks ago.  At the end of the day when he is walking me to my car, he turns and says: “Would you like to grab a drink sometime?”, or something like that.

I said: “Sure” (in an effort to get out of the house more often, that is of late my answer to any invitation – yeah, yeah, I know that standard answer is bound to get me into trouble)

So, that is how I ended up going out for a drink with him last night.

I was debating with myself the whole time leading up to last night  if there was a chance he thought this was more than a drink.  Well he is a man and I am a woman, so I guess in the realm of possibilities this is not a too far-fetched thought.

This gentleman, I will call him S., as I found out last night will turn 60 at the end of the year.  14 years older than me, I actually thought was much more than that! It is not even the age, it is just that there is not an iota, an ounce, a particle, an inkling of anything in my body and mind that gets excited by the idea of having anything romantic with him.

We went to a Puerto Rican Restaurant/club.  He had one of his employees and close friend stop by and join us.  The friend turns out is 42 years old good looking and charming (didn’t do anything for me either). I thought, relieved, that perhaps S. was not thinking anything more than a drink and was really even trying to set me up with this guy.

The food, drink and music was great. My one drink was a caipirinha.  The conversation was fun and we even danced Salsa.

There was one exchange on the dance floor that irked me:

ME: I haven’t danced in a long time

HIM: It is just like sex, once …

I cut him off and said: oh you mean just like riding a bike!

and I turned and looked away to stop that line of conversation right then and there.

And in all honesty what he said only annoyed me because I was already worried that that was what he had in mind.

We stayed for a few hours and then he drives me home.  My mind is working overtime now trying to come up with the best exit strategy without giving him a chance to try anything.  He stops the car in front of my building and removes his seat-belt, oh no, I am thinking, is he going to walk me to my front door? No, he just removed it so he could pounce on me and try to kiss me.  Well, he didn’t really pounce but I did feel like a prey.

He tries to kiss me on the mouth and I, pretending I didn’t realize that, turned my cheek quickly, while opening the car door, jumping out and saying good night. Last thing I heard was him saying: I will call you.

If there was an “open the car door, say good night, thank him for the evening while avoiding a kiss on the mouth and getting out of the car” speed event at the Olympics,  last night I would have taken home the Gold medal!

I guess the lesson here is, if a man invites me for a drink and I am not interested in getting romantically involved with him I should just say no!

 

 

 

 

WANTED MAN!

14 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Fiction, Poetry

≈ 12 Comments

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You are a wanted man!

How does it feel?

Is this just a flash in the pan?

Or is it real?

 

Your arrival was sudden

No announcement

No fanfare

You became a “what if”

Are you feeling what I am feeling?

 

You take a chance and make the first move

I take it from there and lead you straight into my all

I think you didn’t expect, yet you welcomed

 

You are a wanted man!

I want you and I am not shy

Take it easy, use you head

Those will be the warnings that we will hear

 

Do we dare to go ahead and defy all odds?

Or do we step back and use reason?

 

I want to have yesterday all over again

I want to have yesterday every day

You tongue, your fingers, your words

your body knew how to dance to my music

 

You are a wanted man

Not only in my dreams but in my bed

 

But remember I am a tall order

I want it all

I want soft and firm all in the right places

At all the right times

I want my knees to go weak and you to keep me from falling

 

I want simple and complicated

I want easy and difficult

I want tender and aggressive

I want you to decipher me

 

I want to be your challenge, your adventure, your passion, your nectar in the morning, noon and night

 

I want an honest touch from an honest man

I now know you exist, I didn’t just dream you up

I felt you pulsating, I felt your firmness

 

I wondered if you would be here in the morning

Signs of you are still here

The moist, the throbbing, it is all you

The wanting is still here

 

I want simple as a walk in the park

Yet you don’t walk you run

And your park is 3,000 miles away …