Tag Archives: online dating

This, That and Other

15 Friday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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OVEREATING
On Wednesday night, my sister, a couple of friends and I went to Fuji Mountain, a hibachi restaurant in Larchmont, NY. We were there celebrating one of my friends birthday. It was a lot fun and the food was great. The best part is that she was so happy with being taken out for her birthday. I love making people happy.

Unfortunately I ate all of the dinner that was put in front of me plus dessert. At the moment I didn’t think; I just ate. Later I hated myself for overeating. It is becoming a pattern. I have to change that immediately.

“There is no love sincerer than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw, Man and the Superman

WORLD CUP
World Cup is here and I am so excited! I don’t care what teams are playing I will be watching. I have 2 screens at work. One is always showing a game and on the other one is work.

I love the passion and energy of the games. Of course I am hoping Brazil wins. We are the favorite but memories of the fiasco of the last time is not far from memory. I am not one to dismiss any opponent. Everyone is a threat. Everyone is deserving.

Unfortunately I will miss Brazil’s first game on Sunday as I will be helping a friend with her dance recital. She needs the help of volunteers to get the show done so I will not cancel on her. Hopefully there will be many more to watch. I will record it but it will be impossible not to know the result before I get home to watch it.

Let the best teams win. The ones with more heart, more passion, more hunger.

“I am not a perfectionist, but I like to feel that things are done well. More important than that, I feel an endless need to learn, to improve, to evolve, not only to please the coach and the fans, but also to feel satisfied with myself. It is my conviction that here are no limits to learning, and that it can never stop, no matter what our age.” – Cristiano Ronaldo

DATING
Things are fairly quiet as I haven’t spent much time on the dating sites. There is one guy, M, that I will be having dinner on Saturday night. He works in Management of some big University. I am not sure where we will be meeting yet.

I was somewhat excited about him until I got a message from G. His messages are just amazing. A combination of smarts, funny and sexy. He seems honest, serious, down to earth, etc. Yes I am getting all of that from a few emails 🙂

He asked me out Saturday during the day to go to this huge flea market 40 minutes away from me. I said no. I probably would have gone just for a change, even though I normally never travel for a first date. I am willing to change my mind on that and be flexible on a case to case basis.

I had already said yes to M. and I don’t like canceling on people just because I got another invitation.

The excitement normally turns to fear.  What if we like each other? Even before meeting G. I am already looking for reasons why this cannot work. We live too far, he likes camping, I like comfortable hotels, I love sports, he could take or leave it, etc.

I am reminding myself to breath, be in the moment and just go with the flow.

“And there’s also ‘To him that hath shall be given.’ After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can’t give. Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity.” – C.S. Lewis

Feelings hurt, bullets dodged and we move on

07 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.” – Roy T. Bennett

The Nature Writer.  I decided not to go on a second date with him.  I called him and said that there was no romantic vibes for me. I offered friendship.

He listened to what I had to say and said he really didn’t have the time to date seriously and was interested in friendship. He thanked me for my honesty.

Several days later he sent me 12 text messages one after the other.  He went on and on on how he was hurt that I assumed he was interested in dating.  He was also angry that I said I was going to schedule a second meeting as friends but never did.

I didn’t reply. What do I say to that?  It was just senseless.  This seemed to be the texting of a 12 year girl and not an intelligent almost 60 year old man.

I no longer feel the need for people to understand me.  Now I just let it go and don’t spend the time and energy. 

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.”  – Rudyard Kipling

The concierge – I met a kind, nice gentleman. He works as a concierge in a building in Manhattan. We met at a dive bar called Trailer Park Lounge. Not a place I am used to going but it was fun and welcoming.

I ordered a burger and even before I was finished he mentioned he wanted to go to Dallas BBQ a block away.  He said he loved the drinks there.  The drink he ordered  was one of those tropical drinks with umbrellas that you get when you go on vacation to a tropical island (picture is at the top) . It did look delicious but I already had a drink at the other bar and decided to just drink water.

While he was the nice, there was zero chemistry for me.  He, on the other hand professed his love for me and wanted to see me again.  What do I say to a man that is sitting across from me telling me his entire life and already making plans for a future together?

When he asked me when he was going to see me again I didn’t have the heart to say: never.  I didn’t really say yes or no.  I said that he was going too fast and that I was feeling pressured.

I should have gone for honesty, but instead I expected him to get the hint.  He didn’t.

And right as I am typing this I get a text from him asking me what I had decided about going on a second date.   I told him that I didn’t feel any romance and that I knew he didn’t want to be friends. I mentioned how great I thought he was but I was not feeling it.

He replied and I quote: “I bet you say that to everyone. Thank you for wasting my time”.  Not only he texted me that but he also wrote me a message online.

Well, he is right.  It is what I tell almost everyone because it is often the truth.

“The text has disappeared under the interpretation.” – Friedrich Nietsche

The realtor –  The one I mentioned in a couple of posts ago. I described how on the first date he kept trying to kiss and hug me even after I told him numerous times to stop.  Still I was wondering if I should go on a second date or not, as I thought perhaps there was potential if he would keep his hands to himself.

That is until I get a text that says: “I would like to schedule our second hug”.  Clearly he is not listening and has only physical interaction on his mind.

Needless to say there will not be a second date or hug.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  – George Bernard Shaw

I am not taking the replies from the above guys personally.  It is coming from a place of pain.  They thought I would be their future and I turn out to be just one date.  I have been there.  I have been on dates where I thought all it was perfect and then I  never heard from them again.

I am feeling blessed.  I think I dodged a few bullets.

I find myself in a conundrum.  I want to have an open mind and go on dates with guys that at first glance are not really my type but that perhaps will surprise me, and yet I see the need now to be even more discriminating.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” – E.E. Cummings

 

 

Dates, friends and the whatnots

24 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Dental Issues: I had a laser treatment called Lapip done to try to save a couple of implants I have. I had several shots of local anesthesia so other than the pain of the needle there was only minor discomfort afterwards. Now, fingers crossed and invoking the help of angels, I pray that it will work. Otherwise I will need to return and have the implant(s) removed. Please send me a positive vibe. 🙂

Cheating?
Not even close. My married pal and I have been keeping the texting strictly platonic.   We haven’t texted much, but when we do it, it is mostly fun and platonic.

In the beginning it seemed that things would veer off the friendship course and into the sexual realm. Incredibly and happily, they did not.

I realized that I can be quite an instigator. Once I started paying more attention to what I was saying/writing and staying away from innuendos, he caught on and toned things down also.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”  – Paulo Coelho

It was good for me to realize that I needed to take accountability for my actions and to realize that it was all up to me.  I am not a victim, this time or ever.

It feels good to just be friendly without the added pressure of wondering if it will go any further.

Trips down memory lane are a waste of time and energy. They don’t add anything to my present or future. It glamorizes a time that perhaps it was not even that great, but the absence of it makes it appear so.

“Yet in opinions look not always back,–
Your wake is nothing, mind the coming track;
Leave what you’ve done for what you have to do;
Don’t be “consistent,” but be simply true.” – 
― Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. 

Friends with Benefits?
Not really full benefits, just a little perk every now and then.

Last Thursday my doctor friend and I got together again for dinner. This time it was just food, drinks and conversation.  We went to Rio Bravo in Larchmont, NY.  It was late and all the other places we wanted to go to were already closing their kitchens.  That is the problem with the suburbs… the kitchens close at 9:30.  The food and service was great.

We normally talk about everything, life, philosophy, spiritualism, etc.  Sometimes there is flirting, sometimes there is not.  This time there was no flirting or kissing.  It was equally fun.  I enjoy his company period.

I don’t think many people would understand it, but so far it works for us.   The deep, meaningful conversations is what I treasure most.  Kissing may happen or may not, and it hardly makes a difference.

“There can be no life without change, and to be afraid of what is different or unfamiliar is to be afraid of life.” – Theodore Roosevelt

I know, it is still crazy for me that I am okay with that.  It is crazy to discover this new side of me.  I normally like thinks defined, black or white, yes or no.  To find out that I am perfectly okay with this situation is freeing.

I think it works because, not only I don’t expect anything more than what it is, I don’t want it either.  I like things just the way they are.

This feels exactly like what freedom should taste like. There is this calm, no pressure, no expectation and I love it!!

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” – Anthony Robbins

Dating?
Some.

Last Monday I met the Nature/Science writer.  We went to Wine 34, a fun, as the name would indicate, wine bar on 34th street. The food and drinks were great. He is very smart and loves to talk so there was no silent moments.  There was no hint of romantic chemistry for me.  He wants a second date. I didn’t give a final answer yet, but I think there will be no second date.  I don’t want to waste his or my time. And even worst, I don’t want to give him false hope.

Last night I finally met the realtor that I have been speaking to for the past couple of months.  I give him credit for his patience and not giving up.  We went to Favela Cubana near Washington Square Park.  As the name would hint at, the food was Brazilian and Cuban.  Some dishes were good, but the pao de queijo was awful. My date had 3 Bloody Marys and a gin and tonic. I had a passion fruit caipirinha and then I tried a drink made with St. Germain, which is a liquor that I enjoy.  They were both good.

He was a very nice guy and the jury is still out on if there will be a second date or not, but I am leaning towards not.  He kissed me, a quick peck on the lips and that was okay.  But then he just kept wanting to kiss me again.  There is nothing more annoying to me than to keep saying no to someone.  What is the rush?  I hate feeling pressured.

The data architect is still in the picture.  We haven’t met again due to our conflicting schedules.  I don’t detect romance but he is just such a nice person and with all this texting we have become friends.  I think I will meet again and see what happens.

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” – Albert Einstein

Not losing is winning, or so I tell myself! :-)

08 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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All continues to be crazy busy for me between work and having my mom and my brother’s girlfriend in town.

Mom turned 83 on May 1st.  To celebrate it we went to Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun casinos.  We didn’t win any money but didn’t lose much either.  We had a lot laughs and great meals.  All in all I will call it a winning 3 days.

As far as dating,  things have been very quiet.  With my mom here I prefer to dedicate my free time to her.  I am so incredibly blessed to still have her around and since I only see her twice a year I want to make sure I am not wasting that time.  She is leaving tonight so now I will find the time to meet a couple of guys waiting in the wings.  I give them a lot credit for waiting around for this long.  They will be rewarded with taking me to dinner 🙂 just kidding.

There is also the data architect from a previous post.  He is so sweet keeping in touch and sending me pictures of mosaics as he encounters them in his daily travels.  I am not sure there are any romance vibes but I think its thoughtfulness is worth a second date.

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” – Rudyard Kipling

Then there was the widower that was so interested in me and begging me to give him a second chance after that faux pas of telling me he thought he spent too much on the first and second dates.  He had been writing daily then all of a sudden went silent.  I attributed that to the the fickle way some people are.  I don’t want to say that is solely an internet dating issue but it seems to be easier for people to just disappear after meeting online.

Nothing surprises me anymore.  That is the reason I am more guarded then ever when it comes to jumping into relationships.  People are fickle. One day they love you, the other they found someone else.   I don’t think he and I would have had a future, it is just disappointing when people just disappear with no explanation.

Then on April 29 I get a text from him:

I didn’t reply to that.  I actually didn’t know what to say.  At first I was annoyed that he chose to disappear and then all of a sudden come back with that. If you disappear, just stay away, don’t come back after 2 weeks to say good bye. Then I didn’t like that his text made it seem that I was the one more interested in him and he was breaking up with me. As far as I knew he was still trying to get a 3rd date.

I guess I could have said ” Best wishes”, but I didn’t.  Now time has passed and I am indifferent about it, only mentioning it to keep you guys informed, in case anyone is keeping track of my boring dating life.

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” – Kahlil Gibran

Then there is my doctor friend that lately is being really friendly and wanting to hang out.  He has started addressing me as love and sweetie and seems eager than usual to see me.  I am going along with the terms of endearment.  I enjoy the attention and love spending time with him but I wonder if there is more interest than just friendship.

We dated for a few months years ago.  While the romance never blossomed, a beautiful platonic relationship flourished.  I treasure the friendship we have and want to make sure it doesn’t get damaged.  I don’t know at this point if I would want anything romantic with him.  I did at some point and it seemed he was lukewarm about it, so things fizzled out.

We set a date to meet: Thursday night!  We shall see.  I guess a fun flirty friend is not a bad thing to have.  As long as we are on the same page Thursday can be a lot fun.

Stay tuned…

“Never close your lips to those whom you have already opened your heart.” – Charles Dickens

I am a beautiful grateful mess

13 Friday Apr 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I am mess!  I am a beautiful blessed mess!  There is a difference.  There is a big difference.

I have so much to write about.  Unfortunately time has been escaping from me lately.  I leave for Brazil on Saturday and I am trying to leave it all perfect and organized.  I should know better.  Nothing is ever perfect and as organized as I would like.  I just need to be okay with “almost” almost perfect, almost organized.

I apologize in advance for the errors and for the length of this post.

First some dating updates:

The widower is still in the picture but barely. It is disappointing really how.   I wish I had the time to go into detail, and I will try to do it in the future.  For now I will just say that the cause of things cooling down was financial. He hinted that he had spent too much money on me for the first and second date.   That caused me to cancel the 3rd date.  He apologized, and asked for another chance, for another date to talk things through.  I said I would think about it.  We are still texting and he still a nice person.  I get it he was trying to impress me but I don’t need to know that he thinks he overspend.  Of course now he is trying to take it all back but the damage is done.   Perhaps when I return from my trip we will meet and talk things out.  He is still a nice guy, perhaps just a little rusty on the dating department.  We still text every day.

The data architect and I still text and we will be going on a date when I return.  He asked me out a few times, but I have been too busy to accept.  He has been very understanding of my lack of time.  Even if we don’t work romantically I think we can be great friends.

The litigation attorney calls every now and then.  He had to cancel date last week due to a family emergency out of town.  We may get together when I return but I am not so sure.  At this point we have been friendly but I don’t think that we have much of a connection, even for a friendship.

I have been texting  2 other guys: A real estate broker and an Union worker.  I will probably meet them when I return.  I look forward to meeting them.

Even though it may seem I talk to too many guys I find this exchange of ideas, energy and this world of possibility such a source of distraction and even a calm in the chaos that my life is sometimes.

***

I physically feel like a mess.  My body seems to be revolting against me.  It started with the issues with the teeth/gums and the chronic hives.  Then the dizziness and nausea.  Now my right eye is a bit swollen and red on the outer corner.  It is not really painful. At times I feel that something is off.   Then a rash that appeared on my thigh hasn’t gone away and a similar one has appeared on the both sides of my neck.

It seems I turned 52 and my body totally gave up.

What and what I am doing:

Gums/Teeth:  Yesterday I saw a new dentist.  When I got my records from my old dentist I was floored when I calculated how much I had spent on my teeth.  With this one dentist alone since 1999 I spent over $35,000.00.  Now add to that work done prior to 1999 and the work done in Brazil as every time I go to Brazil I get at least a cleaning.  I think it is safe to say I have spent around $50,000 on my teeth and none of it is cosmetic.

I have already a procedure scheduled for when I return from Brazil.  We will be trying to save one of the implants in lower back right side.  The tooth and gum on the front tooth unfortunately I have been told  that I need to wait to finish healing and I have to learn to live with it as there is not much that can be done at this point.

Chronic Hives: The allergist, the dermatologist and the internist all say they can’t find a reason/source and that I should just take an over the counter allergy pill every morning.  I haven’t done that yet.  I want to find the reason and not just pacify the symptoms.

The rash: I thought it was hives but this rash on my left hip is around for the past month. The skin doctor gave me a prescription for a cortisone cream and offered to do a biopsy if doesn’t get better.  I used the cream for a couple of days but half of the time I forget. Now I have a similar rash on my right hip and on both sides of my neck.  I have removed a chain with a cross that I always used and have stopped using lotions and perfume.

The dizziness and the nausea:  I have noticed that I am getting them when I am about to get my period.  This is a new thing but at least it seems to have a reason.  Menopause perhaps? oh the joys of being a woman and aging.

Red/swollen Eye:  I am not sure what it is, perhaps some kind of allergy.  I don’t have the energy and the time to go to a doctor now. When I get to Brazil if it doesn’t magically get better I will see a doctor there.

Thoracic Outlet Syndrome: I really have done nothing about that other than some cupping and acupuncture sessions.  I stopped some of the light weight training I was doing and doing pranks every night and it seemed to get better.  I know that it is not the answer.  I need to have a better solution that just stopping the exercise I was doing.

Hip pain:  I just learned to live with it.  One can get used to anything in live including pain.  I know the exercises I need to do from when I had physical therapy for it.  I just need to get my act together and do them consistently.

My natural doctor friend things that if I cut gluten out of my life and follow an anti-inflammation diet that a lot of what ails me physically will go away.

I did a saliva test from a kit that he gave to me and it showed that I am highly sensitive to gluten.  I was afraid that he was going to say that sugar was the devil in my life but he says that gluten is actually the worst villain.

I am also keeping a food and symptoms journal.  Writing down all I eat and how I feel should help me understand more what is happening to my body and perhaps the source of the itching.

I am also changing all detergent, lotions, etc to more natural hypo-allergenic options.  I am even considering removing the carpeting I have in my bedroom.

My friend also wants me to meditate, do more fun things, drink tea, etc.  I agree, I know stress has a lot to do with it all.  If it is not the cause, it certainty exacerbates it. I have been feeling under constant stress at work and at home.

***

Still, I am so insanely, immensely blessed.   The list of what ails me is long but it is so incredibly small when compared to the list of all my blessings.  I never lose sight of how blessed I am.  So much more to be thankful for that to cry about it.

This is a phase.  This is such a big chance to change my life around and focus on my health and all that is really important to me.

This is a reminder to be grateful and to say thanks.  So Thank you God and the Universe for all the light that shines on me. Thank you for giving me a chance to be better.

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last 3 dates

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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The Litigation Attorney

We met on Match.com and after some back and forth messages I gave him my phone number.  I have no rhyme or reason for giving or not giving my phone number to someone.  It is all about a feeling and how a person asks.

After some short texts we met in person at a wine bar called Pino.  It was a tiny cute place and the manager was very nice.

We both like to talk a lot, so we had a very lively fun conversation. I just had one glass of rose wine and he had a couple of tequila drinks.  There was no food involved.  I had eaten before hand because he asked me for “drinks” so I assumed correctly that there was no food involved.

He is single, never married, no kids.  Just like me.  He is selling his apartment in the city located just a couple of blocks from my office, and buying a house on the New Jersey shore.  I don’t envision retiring and spending my days on a boat so I already see issues if this relationship is to go forward.

It was more friendly than romantic, but I need another date to confirm it.  We have been exchanging a few texts and a couple of quick phone calls.  We are scheduled to go out tonight and I am still trying to decide if I should go through with it.

The Data Architect

We met on POF. He is Scottish living in the US for a long time.  He is divorced with one  11 year daughter.

He works from his Hoboken, NJ home for a company several hours away.  He knows I like mosaic and whimsical art so he has been sending me pictures of every mosaic and art work he has encountered along his way.  And there has been a lot.  I thought that was cute and  thoughtful.

We agreed to meet at the subway on 33rd and Park and from there we rode to Astor Place.  Once there we saw some street art and started walking around.  I love that area!  At one point we stopped by a bakery and we each had a miniature cupcake. It was okay but nothing I would care to eat again.

After a few more blocks of walking around and him explaining the details of this once very Ukrainian neighborhood I saw a restaurant called Yuca Bar and immediately became interested. I love fried yucca.

It was a Latin restaurant with lots of Brazilian flavors.  I had the passion fruit caipirinha and it was on point.  I was disappointed with the yucca fries as it was not just the root boiled and fried but a mixture of mashed yucca breaded and fried. It was okay but not the real thing. He had guacamole and chips and I had the skirt steak and rice.  He is vegetarian.

After dinner, we went to a dive bar called Blue & Gold and talked about soccer while I sipped a club soda and he had draft beer.  This bar had the cheapest drinks I have ever seen in Manhattan.

We then took the Subway back to Grand Central.  He walked me to my train and we hugged good bye.

We have been exchanging texts since then.  I don’t think there is any romance but I may go on a second date to confirm that.  He asked me on a second date this Saturday but I am busy so we will choose another day.

The Commercial Real Estate Agent

We met on POF over a month ago. In that time he went on a hiking vacation in Argentina and still managed to contact me every day.  He doesn’t have my number so we just exchange messages on POF. He said he gave me his number.  Maybe he did.  Maybe I will use it.

We finally met Tuesday at Stout, a pub on 41st street.   I had eaten before meeting him so it was mostly drinks.  I had Prosecco, he had draft beer and we shared fingers.  All was delicious.

He is divorced with 2 teenage daughters. He just bought a house very far and now commutes over 2 and a half hours each way every day. That has me already thinking that geographically we are not an ideal match.

He is a very nice gentleman though and even though, again, I didn’t feel any real chemistry I am willing to go on a second date and see what happens.

***

All 3 are very interesting guys and I am glad I met them.  I am willing to go on a second date with all of them. I do also see some issues with all of them.  Are these real issues or am I just working extra hard to find something wrong with them?  who knows…  I am trying to keep an open mind and go on second dates before dismissing a nice person.

“One of the reasons the team on NCIS works so well-is that they live by their leader’s rules-which are not a secret .
What are your rules/standards? Do the people in your life know what they are? Do you hold grudges/resentments when they don’t measure up? Do you pretend that everything is fine-when it’s not-and close up a little every day?
And most importantly-
When was the last time YOU reviewed/upgraded your standards/expectations rules-and took a look at the impact around you/checked in?
(Hint-most people live from rules/standards/expectations created from reactions/perceptions formed around the age of six)
Might be time for a review/upgrade……..”
-Dave Rudbarg

 

 

 

Broken English, I suppose

23 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Your assumptions are your windows on the world.  Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” – Issac Asimov

I went on a date Wednesday night. I didn’t know much about the guy. I knew that he lived in Brooklyn and worked in the field of painting and construction.  For some reason I didn’t ask where he was from, I thought I knew.  I just assumed he was European.  Probably from Poland or Ukraine. Yes, I should know better than to just assume things. 😦

The day before meeting him I told my sister that I thought it wouldn’t work out but that I was keeping an open mind.  When she asked why, I answered that it was because of his broken English.  My sister walked away, clearly unhappy about something. I think partly offended and partly shocked at that statement, again I am assuming.

I was not happy that she just walked away without asking me to clarify my statement.  I was left to wonder to myself: What is really understood by “broken English”?  Is it rude to say that somebody has broken English? Am I being hypocritical?  Am I being insensitive?

My sister and I started learning English around 18 years old.  I learned by immersing in life when I moved here.  My sister learned by attending all kinds of classes while in Brazil.  She is a languages teacher, she now teaches English and Portuguese. While her grammar is better than mine and she is able to translate the works of Shakespeare and such, I noticed that she lacks the confidence that comes with speaking it daily as I do.  I have been living in NY for over 30 years and she just arrived.

I didn’t use “broken English” as criticism, a put down or an insult.  I just meant that it would be difficult for us to communicate.  I meant that his language skills needed a lot work and probably communication in person was going to be even more difficult than in writing.

My assumption was made based on his writing and based on an experience I had before.   I once had a date with a man from Argentina and even though he was really nice and in emails there were no issues, in person it was a nightmare.  We tried a combination of English, Spanish and Portuguese and we still could barely understand each other.  He had been here already for over 10 years so I had to assume that his English was not getting any better. I always wonder if there had been any chemistry the language barrier would have been less noticeable.

I took this opportunity to approach my sister and discuss the need for more communication.  Her modus operandi of walking away and brooding is not the best course of action on most situations.  We are living together now and we are both fiercely independent so co-existing is already difficult, can you imagine if there is no clear communication?

She explained that she was offended since her English is not perfect.  I am not sure how she took that leap but I just chose to respect her feelings. “Broken” implies that something needs to get fixed.   I can see the negativity in it.  She also agreed to speak up any time she has an issue with anything.  Baby steps…

Lessons learned this time around:

  1. Be careful when using idioms and other phrases.  I need to get back to studying and improving my vocabulary.  I need to make sure that I know the exact meaning of words and phrases.  It is easy to hear a word or phrase in a certain context and take that as gospel.
  2. Never assume you know something for a fact when you just suspect it is so.  I keep having to learn this one lesson over and over and over again. Note to self:  Never assume, always ask!
  3. Be more sensitive when speaking to my sister and others. She is new here. I need to watch the words I use and my tone of voice.  My boss just told me I should stop yelling as I was discussing something with him.  I was not yelling but I was frustrated and probably louder than usual.  If he was your boss you would be frustrated too!! Still, “calm and collected” is not often used to describe me.

“I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”  – Abraham H. Maslow

Here is the kicker:  My date was a Brooklyn born American man!! Not from Europe or any other foreign place else at all.  I was totally wrong in my assumptions.

I am not sure why the horrendous grammar.  Perhaps he was just being hurried and careless.

He was a nice person and there were no issues in communicating in person.  We had dinner at a Chinese Restaurant and the meal was good.  We were not a match though.  He was guilty of what I am normally guilty of.  In the first 5 minutes he told me his entire life story.

He is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic.  He gave up cigarettes 2 weeks ago.  His credit is in shambles. He is trying to payoff student loans and credit cards.  His cars is very old and it overheats. His childhood was dysfunctional and abusive, etc, etc  While I appreciate the openness, it was all a bit too much to learn in one sitting especially since he had given no inclination of any of that in the emails.  I guess he had the need to come clean right away.

I applaud him for trying to get his life on track.  He seems to be working very hard to get it done.  He enjoyed the date, commenting that I was not judgmental and he felt very comfortable with me.  He was right I try to pass no judgement on anyone.  We are all trying to fight some kind of battle.

He said he is okay with just being friends and wants to take me to see Beautiful, the Carole King musical next week.  I love Broadway shows and I haven’t seen that one yet but I think I should decline.  I know he says he is okay with friendship, but he wants more, so I would feel I am taking advantage of him.  Still I would like to be his friend but don’t want him thinking it will lead to something more.  It is a very fine unclear line to walk.

Thank you for reading!

Make this weekend count!  May it be a blessed one!

“The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.” – Henry Ward Beecher

 

Accepting while kicking and screaming

21 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“I’d rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and right.” – Albert Einstein

My life is not all about dating, but in dating it seems is where I learn the most lessons.  Lessons about men, about the world and most importantly, about myself.  Dating keeps me vulnerable and keeps me honest.  It shows me my flaws and my weaknesses. It puts my ego in check.

Each man I date, and actually anyone I encounter, is a lesson.  It is never about them as human beings, as men.  It is always about them as lessons. Each person and situation helps me become a better version of myself, or so I hope. Otherwise the thought would be too dreadful. To think that some things are just meaningless and a waste of time is hard for me to live with that.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

Dating forces me to look inside myself.  It forces me to confront my feelings, actions and reactions.  It forces me to try to understand why I feel the way I feel.  Why I do the things I do.  It forces me to look in an invisible mirror and see what is my culpability in a potential relationship when things don’t work out.  And, as you can tell if you have been following my blog for awhile is that things haven’t worked out yet.  Working out would mean I have a boyfriend, I am in a relationship.

Today I want to write about the need for Acceptance. 

I know I have written about that before, probably more than once. Actually, several times. I clearly struggle with that. I have read somewhere that the lesson only ends when we learn it.  I feel I have been in the same classroom staring at the same notebook for years.  And one of the lessons that persists the most is Acceptance.

“The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.” – Albert Einstein

Hi, I am a Control-freak.

I need to accept what I cannot control.  Accept that things don’t go according to plan.  Accept that some things are over and they are never returning.  Accept that not everything can be fixed. Accept that some things will never be no matter how much I want them and how hard I fight.

I want to be the captain of my own ship.  I want to control my own destiny.  I forget that while I can control my boat, no matter how small or large, I cannot control the weather, the waves and the ocean.

A calm, peaceful voyage would not teach me anything.  A calm ocean would allow me to just coast. An ocean without waves would bore me to tears.  I would never be the best form of myself if challenges were not thrown my way.  I would never be able to prove the kind of captain I can really be if I were not tested with a violent storm every now and then.

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

As I am contemplating an impeding 5th date with a guy that seems very promising I am confronted with accepting that it is okay if he doesn’t follow the blueprint that I have in my mind.

I create mental pictures of the way I want things to go, to be. I have this perfect idea of a perfect date, the perfect kiss, the perfect words to come out of his lips. I know how he needs to behave, when to call, what to say.

No one, no matter how perfect is going to fulfill exactly the dream I created in my mind.  No one will be the perfect age, have the perfect profession, make the perfect amount of money, say the right things, and have the perfect actions.

That person doesn’t exist! People are moody, they do the unexpected, they change their mind, they disappoint.  I should know!  I do all of that and more.

One of the definitions of Accept according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is:
To endure without protest or reaction.

What?  I am not a doormat.  That if often how I see acceptance, as being a doormat and just laying there and not fighting for what I want.  Acceptance then becomes a betrayal to myself and my dreams.  I see it as settling.  Accepting less than I deserve. Accepting a dream less than perfect.  Accepting a flawed man.  I am deserving of more, I am deserving of all. I don’t need to settle.  I don’t want to settle.

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” – Albert Einstein

I create expectations that no one can fulfill. Sometimes I even think I want to be disappointed. In the end it is never about somebody else. It is always about me. It always up to me.

I have to tell myself that things can still be okay and good even if they don’t follow the blueprint I had on my mind.

Acceptance doesn’t have to mean accepting less than I deserve. Acceptance means accepting that not everything is under my control. It is being okay with things not being perfect at that moment in time or being perfect all the time.

I think the real key is not really accepting or not accepting, that comes after.  The key is getting to the bottom of what I want for my life, what makes me happier and what contributes to me becoming the best version of myself.

In dating I need to be clear in what type of man I want to be my life partner. What is really important to me, and what is only a teenage fantasy?

“When you trip over love, it is easy to get up. But when you fall in love, it is impossible to stand again.” – Albert Einstein

Sounds confusing, even complicated, but in the end is really simple.  We have that little voice inside ourselves that guides us to what is right and wrong, to what feels right and what feels wrong.  The crux is to listen to that voice.

Sometimes we can’t hear that little voice because we are too busy stuffing it down.  We go out of our way to silence it.  We surround ourselves with things that makes us momentarily happy and we forget that voice. We silence it with any distraction we can, tv, people, food, etc. Sometimes we hear it but we pretend we don’t.  If we acknowledge it than we would be forced to act, so it is easier to play deaf, to feign ignorance.

As I am putting the final touches on this post I realize that all I have written here has already been written before in a more concise way.  My whole post is the Serenity Prayer.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

So please forgive me if you wasted your time with my rambling.  Welcome to the voices inside my mind and my heart. I started this post out of confusion with my feelings.  Am I less confused?

No, I am as confused as ever.  I just need to be okay with things being confused for awhile.  I need prayer to guide me, I need silence to listen.  I need writing to keep my sanity.  I need this blog to keep me honest.  I need you to set me straight.

Today I was in a Albert Einstein kind of mood.  For a physicist I find him more spiritual than some so called spiritual teachers around.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” – Albert Einstein

 

Don’t try to make sense, just dance!

19 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food, Poetry

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“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi

Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.

Nothing made sense.  Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.

I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.

I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.

The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”  – Rumi

I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.

Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.

I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  – Rumi

Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off.  It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.

That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite.  And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again.  I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.

The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.

There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed.  It only makes me look better.

I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”  – Rumi

Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?

Then it hits me:

PMS

I am glad I keep track of it.  I look at the app in my phone and there it is.  I am in the middle of PM.  I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass.  All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.

The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.

So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  – Rumi

So I did the only thing I could think to do:

I DANCED!

I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.

I danced with my soul.  It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!

IT WORKED!

I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.

To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing,  it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.

Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.

The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved.  It was indifferent.  Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being.  No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved.  Only you have that power.  The sooner we realize that the happier we become.

“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication.  I normally go to gratitude and prayer.

May I offer everyone that suggestion?  Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance.  While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.

***

The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
Rumi

 

Friends and dates and a kiss at the end.

02 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 17 Comments

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“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain

On Saturday I met my doctor friend for brunch. As I mentioned before we dated a few times 2 years ago and then things fizzled.  Still every now and then we would talk or text.

After being too busy to meet the last few times he asked we met for brunch 2 weeks ago and it was fun.  After one week he called and invited me to brunch again.

We went to the restaurant we always go to. In the past we tried different ones only to decide that this is our favorite.  It was a Saturday and the place was quieter then on Sundays.

We were there from 12 to 4 pm. We drank a divine prosecco and talked about life. We challenge each other to think deeper and look further.  We talk about everything, self-improvement, family, fears, wants, ego, karma, etc.

At one point he put his hand on my leg near my knee. He asked if I was okay with that.  It may seem funny or weird, but I was okay with that.  I knew it would not go anywhere so it presented no danger or awkwardness to me.  I think the prosecco made him do it. I think the prosecco made me say ok.

At one point he was texting. I would normally not say anything to anyone about using their cell phone at the table, even if it bothered me but since we are always talking about being present and in the moment, I said:

Don’t you think you are being rude?

He apologized and said I was right and explained what he was texting about.  He turned his phone off for the rest of the lunch.

I think he and I have an easy friendship that I don’t intend to change into anything else, hand on my leg or not.

***

“There is very little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude.” – W. Clement Stone

On Sunday I met a graphic designer I met on Match. This was our first date.

We both got there 30 minutes early. Him by design, me because I thought the agreed time was 12:00 instead of the actual 12:30.

I had scrambled eggs and a coffee as I was still not able to eat a lot food.

He was handsome, nice, personable and smart. But I didn’t really feel an attraction, a connection.  Our lifestyle and life wants are different.  Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the differences in people but in this case it would frustrate me.

He is very laid back and I feel I would have to be the one in charge of the relationship. I have been the one in charge of relationships in the past and I don’t want to do it again.

I say that not as criticism of him but just to point out why I think we are not a match.

He said he liked me and said he wanted to go on a second date, but hasn’t called yet, which I find it is often the case.  I think he  and most guys, wants me to call them back or say something first. Sadly he will have to wait forever.

****

I have just returned from a date tonight.  He is a 34 year old Jewish accountant.  Yes I said 34!!! I am 51!! So there is a bit of age difference. He is recently divorced with no kids.

Of course I think our age difference is too much for a relationship but I didn’t think there was any harm in meeting for a drink.

We were going to meet at a rooftop bar but it was closed for a private event so we just crossed the street and went to a Cuban restaurant.

M. was fun, personable, and cute in a boyish way.  There were some hints of chemistry.  I had a passion fruit drink and appetizer of beef and fried yucca, and they were delicious.  After it, he walked me to the station.

On the way, suddenly, he stopped and kissed me.  I still have stitches in my gum from my surgery, still I welcomed the surprising gesture.

We will see each other again, if anything to just settle a bet.  We bet $5.00 on the Jet/Chiefs game on Sunday.  I picked the Chiefs.

“Kissing – and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing – is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down.” – Drew Barrymore