Tag Archives: new relationships

From Famine to Feast

17 Wednesday Aug 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food, Reviews

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“Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances. ” ― Maya Angelou

After no dates for a while, I had 2 dates in 2 days.

The guy that I called “The Disingenuous” on the prior post invited me to go see Steely Dan.  I had not blocked him because I sensed that he was harmless and just perhaps a little misguided. I mentioned to him that I didn’t think he was serious about meeting because of what he had done before.

He apologized, and said it was not his intention to appear that he was playing games.  I said ok, and he quickly got the tickets and then asked for restaurant suggestions.  I gave him a couple of names and he booked a place that I like, Sonora Restaurant.

We met near The Capitol in Port Chester, that was where Steely Dan was playing.  From there we went together to the restaurant.  It was a gorgeous evening, so we sat outside.  We shared several small plates instead of ordering an entrée.  It just felt faster that way, as we had the concert to go to. 

We shared different tacos, eggplant meatballs, yucca fries, quinoa cakes, etc. To drink I had the Brazilian Cosmopolitan, made with blood orange vodka.  He had iced tea.  He quit drinking. He said he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, he just feels he doesn’t need it. Everything was delicious and the conversation flowed. 

“A man should hear a little music, read a little poetry, and see a fine picture every day of his life, in order that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The theater is beautiful and the concert was great.  Even though I really didn’t grow up listening to Steely Dan, I recognized a few songs.  They didn’t play their most famous one, and the one that I knew the most, Rikki Don’t Lose My Number.   The entire band was amazing. Every single one so talented!!

After the concert, he walked me to my car and we hugged goodbye.  It was the strongest hug I ever received.  The jury is still out if that was a good or bad thing.  I am thinking he was just eager.

We have texted back and forth for a little bit.  I am not sure if we will see each other again.  He is 60 years old, but looks younger. He has been married twice, and has 3 kids, the 2 youngest are 10 years old.  He works as some type of smart home/alarm sales – not sure exactly the details.  Maybe it is worth a second date.  I didn’t really feel much chemistry. I am just not sure.

“The beauty of God is in the wind, in the movement of the ocean, it is in the eyes of a woman gazing at her lover, pouring the deep red wine of love from her eyes like two crystal cups. There is a God who dances and who loves and who longs to sing of love…And I mean that God is music; all inclusive, benevolent and life-affirming, unashamed human emotion.”― Jeff Buckley

On Saturday I went on a date with a 58 years semi-retired engineer.  He has been divorced for 3 years and has 2 grown sons.  We went to an awesome restaurant called Harvest on Hudson.  It was facing the Hudson River.  The location was gorgeous and the food so yummy.  

I had an awesome cocktail, that I don’t recall the name, but it had passion fruit and Aperol in it. He had vodka soda. I had cod fish fritters for appetizer and eggplant for the entrée.  He had meatballs, and then linguine. For dessert I had the tiramisu, and it was probably the best I ever had. 

“Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.” ― Mark Twain

He must have said I was beautiful at least 10 times. Not only to me, but to the hostess, to the bartender, to the waiter, to anyone we interacted with.  He also loved my dress and my glasses.

After dinner we walked by the river, then to my car.  We hugged good bye with a quick peck on the lips.  I forgot to mention, when I first met him, it seemed he was going for my lips and I turned so he gave me a peck on the cheek. In my book, when upon meeting someone, peck on the cheek is ok and the norm, on the lips no.  Yes, I am a prude lol

We have texted just a couple of times and last night he called me and invited me to dinner tomorrow (Thursday).  I said yes.  I am not sure there is a lot of chemistry but he seems so nice that I want to go on a second date and see if there is anything there. 

I had 2 great dates with 2 great guys.  When that happens I get reminded of the beauty of the potential and possibilities.  I get the feeling that I am getting closer.  One never knows, and that is why I keep trying.  Feeling blessed and hopeful.

“I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted
most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.” ― Nora Ephron

 

When the ego is out of line

27 Sunday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

Yesterday B and I celebrated our 1 month anniversary!  Yes, you heard me… 1 whole month!   I will be that annoying person that celebrate monthly anniversaries.  No longer counting dates, I now count months. 

We went to Tapas & Cucina, a restaurant that I like that is located in Eastchester, NY.  We shared different tapas.  We had spicy potatoes, meatballs, empanadas and eggplant. I had a passion fruit mimosa and he had chardonnay.   He stays away from sugar so he didn’t have dessert. I had the tiramisu.

He brought me beautiful flowers (that ones on the picture above).  He is very sweet and tender with me. It is so comfortable being with him.

But not everything is flowers. There are some thorns, and it is mostly my overreacting.

“Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

I continue, often subconsciously, to look for excuses/reasons to run. I am trying to be aware and immediately stop anytime I feel myself going down that rabbit hole of self-sabotage.

He is trying hard to be understanding, and I am trying hard just being in the moment and not creating problems where there are none.

This time I had a problem when he changed the radio station in the car after I had chosen a radio station.     

I didn’t say anything at the moment, but he already knows me well and could sense it.  I am always talking, going silent for any amount of time signals to him that something is wrong.

“The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is strictly speaking no longer the ego, but just an old, conditioned mind-pattern. Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist.” ― Eckhart Tolle

He asked: “Ana, come back, where did you go?  What happened?”

I said: ” nothing”,  but when he insisted I mentioned the radio. I was trying to work out the situation on my own and not say anything, but in the end I rather be transparent and say exactly what is going on.  He apologized profusely.  He said he thought he had asked me.

I understand how petty that is, but for some reason, any little thing can have me looking into the future, and predicting doom.  My ego was trying hard to make me believe that his changing the radio station meant he didn’t respect my choices.

After some time, I was able to shut my ego down, and forget about the radio, and we proceeded to have an awesome night.

I am not proud of my moody behavior. I am, however, proud that I am able to recognize some of my patterns and that I am actively working on changing them.  Baby steps.

“Don’t Just

Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Don’t try to make sense, just dance!

19 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food, Poetry

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“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi

Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.

Nothing made sense.  Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.

I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.

I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.

The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”  – Rumi

I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.

Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.

I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  – Rumi

Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off.  It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.

That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite.  And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again.  I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.

The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.

There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed.  It only makes me look better.

I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”  – Rumi

Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?

Then it hits me:

PMS

I am glad I keep track of it.  I look at the app in my phone and there it is.  I am in the middle of PM.  I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass.  All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.

The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.

So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  – Rumi

So I did the only thing I could think to do:

I DANCED!

I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.

I danced with my soul.  It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!

IT WORKED!

I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.

To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing,  it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.

Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.

The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved.  It was indifferent.  Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being.  No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved.  Only you have that power.  The sooner we realize that the happier we become.

“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication.  I normally go to gratitude and prayer.

May I offer everyone that suggestion?  Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance.  While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.

***

The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
Rumi

 

I believe I have broken a record: 4 dates with the same guy!!

17 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita Rudner

Here is a summary of the dates I had with P., the finance guy.  I am not going on dates or speaking to anyone else or checking online profiles at this time.  I want to give him my full attention and a fair chance.  I also don’t have much time lately.  I am not sure what he is doing, but I don’t think he is online anymore.

At this point it would not bother me if he is dating other women as I am free to date also. I am just choosing not to do it for lack of time and energy. But when the time comes that we are intimate then we will have the commitment conversation. I don’t like the idea of sleeping with someone that is sleeping around.

Date 1 – Posto 22 – Italian Restaurant in my town – I had eggplant and angel hair pasta and we shared the tartufo for dessert.

He chose the restaurant after I gave him the names of 5 restaurants near me. I wanted him to choose.

I was expecting a nice guy but nothing else.  My investment in this date was minimal.  I just left my building and turned the corner and the restaurant is right there.  He drove over 1 hour in a car with no heat in below freezing temperature.

I liked him right away.  He seemed a bit nervous and shy but totally interested in me and all I had to say.  I often have a lot to say.  I didn’t think I was going to like him so much, but I did. At end I was excited and dreaming of the possibilities.

He asked me on a second date that night.

“A thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Date 2 – Lea Wine Bar – Tapas/Sushi place in New York City – I had a couple of Lychee Martinis, sushi and empanadas

I chose the place, I didn’t want to and almost canceled over having to choose.   Later I explained to him that I rather have the man choose the place.  He said that he thought it was thoughtful to let me choose but that he had no problem in choosing from then on.

We held hands. We kissed for the first time.  It didn’t blow me away, but I think he is shy and being extra cautious not to scare me away by being overly enthusiastic and being too physical.

He complimented me on my hair.

He walked me to the train and sat with me until it was time for the train to leave.

I was relieved that I still liked him on the second date as much as on the first.  That rarely happens.

“And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.” – Kahlil Gibran

Date 3 – Naples 45 – Italian Restaurant in New York City – We had pizza with no cheese and chicken Milanese, prosecco and wine, cheesecake and tiramisu.

I think he completely forgot he told me he would start choosing the restaurant and again he asked me to choose.  For a second I was extremely annoyed over it.  Is he paying attention to what I am saying?

I stopped and chose non-reaction. Nothing. I let those feelings wash over me and I concentrated on the work I was doing at work.

Later I told him we would meet by the clock inside Grand Central Station.  When I met him there I got my phone out and we chose the nearest Italian restaurant together.  Italian is his favorite cuisine.

I decided not to bring up the choosing the restaurant issue. I consider that a huge shift, and growth moment for me.  I am choosing to do what is uncomfortable:  not speaking all that is on my mind.  Perhaps being the one choosing the meals is not such a bad thing.  He is the one paying.  I decided to change my view on that.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.”  – Alphonse Karr

He had on a suit and tie as he had gone to a meeting in the afternoon and looked very handsome.  As usual he kept complimenting me and saying how beautiful I was.  What girl doesn’t like to hear that? I am a sucker for it.  I am independent, self assured, professional and confident, still I want to hear a man tell me that I am pretty.

We talked about the stock market since that is the business he is.  It was nice to hear the passion for it in his voice.

He mentioned Valentine’s Day and the need to choose a place and reserve it soon.  Again he said I can choose whatever I want.  One of the reasons I don’t like to choose is that I don’t want to seem I am choosing expensive places.  Since he is not choosing I am going to make a list of all the restaurants I want to try and start crossing them off my list.

During dinner he asked me what I was doing the next evening (Saturday) and if I wanted to get together for dinner and movie.  I said yes.

After dinner he walked me to the train station.  When we got there I saw that my train was about to leave so I ran for it leaving him in mid-sentence.  I barely gave him a peck on the cheek.  I felt so stupid afterwards.  I always do that.  I run for trains even though there is always another one after.

I apologized later.  He said he was left confused but ended up seeing the humor in it.

Date 4 – Patrias – My favorite restaurant in my town -Tapas Spanish place – We had the pan com tomate, cod fish croquettes, fried chicken and a vegetarian paella.  

He showed up looking like a rock star in a leather jacket and spiky hair. He definitely looks younger than his age.

We talked, flirted, and ate wonderful food.  He chose to drink water, I had sangria.  We were supposed to go to the movies after but I decided against it because I thought it would be too late for him to go home after, and I wanted him to stop by my apartment also.

In the afternoon I had gone to an Italian bakery and gotten his favorite dessert to surprise him: Ricotta cheesecake.  So I said that we should go back to my place for dessert.  Even though it is only the fourth date I trusted him enough and felt comfortable enough to have him over to my place.

He was pleasantly surprised that I took the time to go and find his favorite dessert. I made coffee and he had the cake. I put American Indian music on, something he enjoys – It was nice and peaceful.

And oh yeah, I put pajamas on.

I am so used to getting in my apartment, removing my shoes and either putting in exercise clothes or something comfortable. My apartment is on the cold side so I felt more comfortable in my cozy long pajamas.

He is so nice and he is going out of his way not to do anything to scare me away so I knew that he wouldn’t even try to kiss me.  When I mentioned something about that,  he said:  “I am not going to spoil this, this is a long term investment. I have time and I have patience“.  I just thought it was an adorable answer and shows me where his heart and mind is.

It is great not to feel pressured to do anything I am not ready for.

“Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice.” – Vin Diesel

He didn’t make any moves on me.  I initiated.  We just snuggle and we kissed.  The kissing was still awkward and not that exciting to me.  Is that a sign of things to come?  If the kissing is this lackluster what about all the rest?  I am hoping that is just because he still seems nervous.

He said I looked great in the blouse I had on before I changed, which showed some cleavage.  He said my arms also looked great in it.  It seemed like an odd compliment.  I don’t like the way my arms look as they lack muscle tone at the moment. Plus I would have thought that my cleavage would blind him to everything else.

I almost forgot a detail.  The restaurant I chose didn’t take credit card, so instead of telling him to bring cash, I figure I could buy dinner this one time.

When he asked for the check and pulled the card out, I said:  They don’t accept credit card.  His face fell.  He said: I don’t carry cash, I have to go to an ATM.  I said: Don’t worry, I brought cash.  He continued to tell me that we would find an ATM after.

By the time the waitress came with the check she said that now they do accept card.  He was relieved.  Then it turned out that there was a problem with the chip in his card and had to be swiped instead but the waitress seemed flustered so I insisted on paying.

Immediately after leaving, he saw an ATM inside the Mexican Restaurant next door and insisted on going in and paying me back.  He said:  There is no way I invite you to dinner and let you pay.  That is my kind of guy!!

***

I have additional comments and observations about him, well, us really, but I will have in a next post.  I am trying to post more often and not make such long posts, which I clearly failed again.  Oftentimes I write and write and by the time I am finished the material seems stale, so I am trying to change that.

“Daughter! Get you an honest Man for a Husband, and keep him honest. No matter whether he is rich, provided he be independent. Regard the Honour and moral Character of the Man more than all other Circumstances. Think of no other Greatness but that of the soul, no other Riches but those of the Heart. An honest, Sensible humane Man, above all the Littlenesses of Vanity, and Extravagances of Imagination, labouring to do good rather than be rich, to be usefull rather than make a show, living in a modest Simplicity clearly within his Means and free from Debts or Obligations, is really the most respectable Man in Society, makes himself and all about him the most happy.” – John Adams, Letter of John Adams, Addressed to his wife