“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ―
Yesterday B and I celebrated our 1 month anniversary! Yes, you heard me… 1 whole month! I will be that annoying person that celebrate monthly anniversaries. No longer counting dates, I now count months.
We went to Tapas & Cucina, a restaurant that I like that is located in Eastchester, NY. We shared different tapas. We had spicy potatoes, meatballs, empanadas and eggplant. I had a passion fruit mimosa and he had chardonnay. He stays away from sugar so he didn’t have dessert. I had the tiramisu.
He brought me beautiful flowers (that ones on the picture above). He is very sweet and tender with me. It is so comfortable being with him.
But not everything is flowers. There are some thorns, and it is mostly my overreacting.
“Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything.” ―
I continue, often subconsciously, to look for excuses/reasons to run. I am trying to be aware and immediately stop anytime I feel myself going down that rabbit hole of self-sabotage.
He is trying hard to be understanding, and I am trying hard just being in the moment and not creating problems where there are none.
This time I had a problem when he changed the radio station in the car after I had chosen a radio station.
I didn’t say anything at the moment, but he already knows me well and could sense it. I am always talking, going silent for any amount of time signals to him that something is wrong.
“The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is strictly speaking no longer the ego, but just an old, conditioned mind-pattern. Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist.” ―
He asked: “Ana, come back, where did you go? What happened?”
I said: ” nothing”, but when he insisted I mentioned the radio. I was trying to work out the situation on my own and not say anything, but in the end I rather be transparent and say exactly what is going on. He apologized profusely. He said he thought he had asked me.
I understand how petty that is, but for some reason, any little thing can have me looking into the future, and predicting doom. My ego was trying hard to make me believe that his changing the radio station meant he didn’t respect my choices.
After some time, I was able to shut my ego down, and forget about the radio, and we proceeded to have an awesome night.
I am not proud of my moody behavior. I am, however, proud that I am able to recognize some of my patterns and that I am actively working on changing them. Baby steps.
Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.”