assumptions and expectations, dating trials and tribulations, illusion versus reality, keep learning, keep trying, new relationships, not sour, online dating
“There sits the skiff – over there perhaps is the entryway to the great nothing. But who wants to board this “perhaps”?” ― Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra
Mr. Sweet continues to be sweet and kind. But he is not the One… at least not right now. Right now he is a friend that I go to dinner with every now and then.
He had already told me he didn’t want to date seriously and wanted “to see what is out there”. Well, I have seen what is out there and it is pretty grim. Kidding, but not really.
Even though he said he would continue dating, I was under the impression that he was not. I took his excitement about me as a sign that he would not be interested in looking for anyone else. I assumed that the reason his Match profile had disappeared was because he was focused only on me. I assumed that with all the attention/daily texting/calling, that I was the only one. All my assumptions were not based on reality, but based on what my heart wanted and the stories that sometimes I tell myself.
“It’s dreadful what little things lead people to misunderstand each other.”― L.M. Montgomery, Emily’s Quest
I normally follow: “pay attention to a man’s action and not his words”, and this time that is what tripped me up. I should have taken his word at face value. He said he was going to date other people, why would I read in his behavior anything else?
I don’t like to have regrets, but I do regret passing on some people on Match that seemed great just because I thought this was going the distance. And now they are gone. Oh well, if they were for really me they wouldn’t be gone, would they? So I digress, no regrets!
“As soon as we start putting our thoughts into words and sentences everything gets distorted, language is just no damn good—I use it because I have to, but I don’t put any trust in it. We never understand each other.” ― Marcel Duchamp
My heart got excited and forgot to do a reality check about the situation. For starters, his divorce is only just starting, and it looks like it is going to be a long war. There is a prenuptial agreement involved, but mediation fell through, and she is now ignoring his attorney’s letters.
Then there is the fact that I agree he should stay single, go on dates, have fun. I do not believe someone coming out of a long-term relationship (in this case a 27-year marriage) should immediately embark on another.
While I am not sure what I want, I did think we had a good thing going and didn’t want him dating around. I wanted to see where we could go. The future seemed so bright for us, or so I dreamed!
“Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps.”― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace
I don’t want to date someone seriously while the person is dating around. So, for now we are not seriously dating, or dating seriously. We are dating, meaning we go out to dinner, bars, ect. A kiss every now and then, but that is it. And I am even rethinking the kissing. Not because I am a prude, but because I want to protect my heart from getting too tangled up in something not serious.
While dating multiple people may be appealing to some, I now prefer to date intentionally, one person at a time. I may go on many dates, but if I have more than 2 dates with someone then that is where I will focus my attention and energy.
I must understand that his wanting to see what is out there is not about me. It is about him. That is the distinction I need to make. I was taking it all personally. This is not a rejection, but an opportunity. Feeling rejected make us victims and take our power away. This is an opportunity to explore my feelings, wants and needs.
“When things do not go your way, remember that every challenge — every adversity — contains within it the seeds of opportunity and growth.” ― Roy T. Bennett
I can’t complain about him. This is not about him; this is about my feelings and my interpretation of this new relationship. We agreed on honesty on day 1 and he has lived it up to that. He continues to be honest, kind and thoughtful. In this just over 1-month relationship we have met several times alone and 3 times with my sister and my friend. He continues to bring my sister bagels every time we meet.
The last time we saw each other was Saturday when we went to dinner and walked around NY City with my sister and friend. He brought his professional camera and took many pictures of us in Times Square. Always smiling and happy to help, that is something that we share.
“Love can only be found through the act of loving.” ― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept
He wanted to try to meet this week:
I am busy with my friend. It is her last week here, so I want this week to be about her. Also, if I am being completely transparent (and I aim to be) I hate the feeling that he is fitting me among a bunch of dates.
I am excited about his friendship though. I know that no matter what happens we will remain friends, and I love that part.
He continues to be Mr. Sweet, but there could be Mr. Sweeter for me around the corner. Or even the Sweetest of them of all. Or perhaps what I really need is Mr. Semi-Sweet. I guess I got hurry up and go see what is out there. Yet Again.
“People say they find love, as if it were an object hidden under a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a certain love.” ― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven