Tag Archives: Friends with benefits

A whole new year to learn, to live and to love

03 Thursday Jan 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“There will be no New Year for those who keep living in the older years! If you really want to enter a new year, shot all the doors behind you and stick yourself to the New Year where everything is ready for you to be designed by you! Every man is an artist and every artist has the power to create infinite things; just be in the present time and design your life! No man can design his life by being in the past because present time is the only studio we can do our work!” -― Mehmet Murat ildan

2019 is here!  Now what?  Now we get to forget all the failures of 2018 and have a whole year to be successful. How exciting: A whole year to make new memories!

I want to do more this year.  More of everything. More dating, more exercise, more reading, and more writing. I want to live more.  When I die I don’t want to leave any living on the table.  No regrets!

*** DATING

Mr. M. We had a couple of dates. He is a 60 year old executive in the health industry.  We kissed on the second date and it was okay.  The earth didn’t move, but I wouldn’t mind being kissed again.  Then things fizzled.  I think he wanted me to be more aggressive and ask for a third date. I am not that into him to go after him.

Mr. J.  He is a construction engineer and we are having a first date tonight.  I don’t know much about him. We both enjoy skiing, that is what I am most excited about since I am dying to go skiing.  Perhaps we will hit off and plan some skiing trip.

Mr. A.  He is a psychologist. We have been exchanging email where he is mostly instructing me about Meditation and some other spiritual stuff.  It has been fascinating.  I think this will be a beautiful and rewarding friendship.  We are not talking about meeting yet but it will happen in due time.

I am open to meeting great minds and great hearts. I love meeting people that are open to sharing their knowledge with me. In that sense I am a sponge. Everyone is a teacher, and I am always ready to learn.

Mr. R.  We had a date last year then he disappeared.  He is now back asking me out for a drink.  I didn’t say no yet, but I don’t think I want to revisit the past.  He explained why he disappeared but even if he hadn’t disappeared I probably wouldn’t have gone on a second date.  He is smart and funny but we had zero chemistry.  I am going to offer friendship.

“Why did you do all this for me?’ he asked. ‘I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.’ ‘You have been my friend,’ replied Charlotte. ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.” ― E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

I have been hanging out a lot with my friend A. We have definitely become great friends.  Remember, he is the friend that I kissed on occasion, but that I decided not to do it anymore. A kiss is harmless, but why do it if we don’t care for each other in that way?

On Sunday we went to the sauna, to a juice bar and then Starbucks.  We skipped the gym.  We had been there on Saturday and my hip was not happy.  Then in the evening he invited me to go to an Ethiopian Restaurant.  The food was good and I enjoyed giving it a try, but it is not at the top of my favorite cuisines.

After the restaurant he wanted to go to a specific bar, but it was closed.  He then asked if I wanted to go see his apartment, which I have never been to before even though it is only a 5 minute drive from my home.  I have been curious to see his apartment as I am always curious to see how people live but I decided to decline the invitation.  I didn’t want to be in a situation where he would try to kiss me and I would have to refuse. He would respect that I am sure but it would be awkward.  We have a great friendship going, why chance it? We joke and flirt but at the end of the day we both just want to be friends.

***

Image result for green book

On the first day of the year I had lazy day, then in the late afternoon my sister and I went to the movies. We saw The Green Book.  It was awesome.  It is a road trip where differences disappear and hardships unite.  Ultimately, to me, it was about friendship. It is about recognizing that we are all the same in our core.  Everyone just trying to survive and be happy.   It is a message of respect and kindness. I highly recommend it.

“Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.” ― ZORA NEALE HURSTON

 

Dates, friends and the whatnots

24 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Dental Issues: I had a laser treatment called Lapip done to try to save a couple of implants I have. I had several shots of local anesthesia so other than the pain of the needle there was only minor discomfort afterwards. Now, fingers crossed and invoking the help of angels, I pray that it will work. Otherwise I will need to return and have the implant(s) removed. Please send me a positive vibe. 🙂

Cheating?
Not even close. My married pal and I have been keeping the texting strictly platonic.   We haven’t texted much, but when we do it, it is mostly fun and platonic.

In the beginning it seemed that things would veer off the friendship course and into the sexual realm. Incredibly and happily, they did not.

I realized that I can be quite an instigator. Once I started paying more attention to what I was saying/writing and staying away from innuendos, he caught on and toned things down also.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”  – Paulo Coelho

It was good for me to realize that I needed to take accountability for my actions and to realize that it was all up to me.  I am not a victim, this time or ever.

It feels good to just be friendly without the added pressure of wondering if it will go any further.

Trips down memory lane are a waste of time and energy. They don’t add anything to my present or future. It glamorizes a time that perhaps it was not even that great, but the absence of it makes it appear so.

“Yet in opinions look not always back,–
Your wake is nothing, mind the coming track;
Leave what you’ve done for what you have to do;
Don’t be “consistent,” but be simply true.” – 
― Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. 

Friends with Benefits?
Not really full benefits, just a little perk every now and then.

Last Thursday my doctor friend and I got together again for dinner. This time it was just food, drinks and conversation.  We went to Rio Bravo in Larchmont, NY.  It was late and all the other places we wanted to go to were already closing their kitchens.  That is the problem with the suburbs… the kitchens close at 9:30.  The food and service was great.

We normally talk about everything, life, philosophy, spiritualism, etc.  Sometimes there is flirting, sometimes there is not.  This time there was no flirting or kissing.  It was equally fun.  I enjoy his company period.

I don’t think many people would understand it, but so far it works for us.   The deep, meaningful conversations is what I treasure most.  Kissing may happen or may not, and it hardly makes a difference.

“There can be no life without change, and to be afraid of what is different or unfamiliar is to be afraid of life.” – Theodore Roosevelt

I know, it is still crazy for me that I am okay with that.  It is crazy to discover this new side of me.  I normally like thinks defined, black or white, yes or no.  To find out that I am perfectly okay with this situation is freeing.

I think it works because, not only I don’t expect anything more than what it is, I don’t want it either.  I like things just the way they are.

This feels exactly like what freedom should taste like. There is this calm, no pressure, no expectation and I love it!!

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” – Anthony Robbins

Dating?
Some.

Last Monday I met the Nature/Science writer.  We went to Wine 34, a fun, as the name would indicate, wine bar on 34th street. The food and drinks were great. He is very smart and loves to talk so there was no silent moments.  There was no hint of romantic chemistry for me.  He wants a second date. I didn’t give a final answer yet, but I think there will be no second date.  I don’t want to waste his or my time. And even worst, I don’t want to give him false hope.

Last night I finally met the realtor that I have been speaking to for the past couple of months.  I give him credit for his patience and not giving up.  We went to Favela Cubana near Washington Square Park.  As the name would hint at, the food was Brazilian and Cuban.  Some dishes were good, but the pao de queijo was awful. My date had 3 Bloody Marys and a gin and tonic. I had a passion fruit caipirinha and then I tried a drink made with St. Germain, which is a liquor that I enjoy.  They were both good.

He was a very nice guy and the jury is still out on if there will be a second date or not, but I am leaning towards not.  He kissed me, a quick peck on the lips and that was okay.  But then he just kept wanting to kiss me again.  There is nothing more annoying to me than to keep saying no to someone.  What is the rush?  I hate feeling pressured.

The data architect is still in the picture.  We haven’t met again due to our conflicting schedules.  I don’t detect romance but he is just such a nice person and with all this texting we have become friends.  I think I will meet again and see what happens.

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” – Albert Einstein

Not just Sex, not a Mistake, but a very freeing lesson!

19 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?” Kahlil Gibran

Here is the hard, but so necessary, post I hinted about it.  First I have to mention this post: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2015/05/11/tired-of-accepting-less-than-i-deserve/

You don’t have to read it again, I will summarize it here: AL is 16 years younger than I am. We dated briefly and even though we got along we realized that we were better as friends.  Then he got very busy and our friendship became texting only. I was not happy that he didn’t make time to see me and asked him not to contact me again.  I felt I needed and deserved more from a friend.  That is pretty much the meat of that post.

“Friendship is the purest love. It is the highest form of Love where nothing is asked for, no condition, where one simply enjoys giving.” ― Osho

Then I changed my mind… I missed him and decided I rather have a texting relationship then none.   I felt that he was much more of a friend than some of my other friends.  I missed our banter.  So I thought about it for a few days (extra points for me for not being impulsive) and finally texted him.

It is a bit embarrassing to go on and on a post about something and then completely change my mind.  But I can see beauty and freedom in that too.  I am only human and often confused.

He replied immediately saying how happy he was that I got in touch.  He said there were many times he wanted to say hi but he was trying to respect my wishes.  From then on we started texting again.  He also promised to make more of an effort.  And he has.  One evening over a week ago,  right after I had returned home from a date,  he texted me to say hello.  I started confiding in him about the date and he invited me over to his house.  I went.  We shared a glass of wine and many stories.  It felt great seeing him again. When I was about to leave we kissed.  And then we kissed some more.   I left before things went any further.

I got home that night and an idea started forming in my head.  What if AL and I became Friends with Benefits?  The next morning that idea was still in my mind and it only kept getting stronger.

“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.” ― Mae West

It is about time this hot Brazilian injects some fun into her life and learns to be freer with her body. I miss sex, I miss intimacy.  Sometimes all a girl wants is to be touched.  But I don’t want to jump in bed with just anyone.  AL seemed like the perfect guy to help me with that.  We had sex before and I have good memories of it.  He is familiar, safe and non-threatening.  I don’t have to commit to him (lately it seems that any time a guy gets close to me I run away).  I have no expectations.  I don’t want a relationship with him.  He is a great guy but besides the large age difference, we are at very different stages in life.  Also, some of his quirks that now seem fun would end up driving me nuts.

And that is when I wrote on my last post the little preview about writing this post.  I wanted your feedback.  I am not completly sure what I wanted to achieve but writing about it.  I don’t know if I wanted you to tell me that it was okay to go ahead and have sex with him.  I don’t know if I wanted you to talk some sense into me and make me change my mind.  I probably wanted you to point out all the flaws in my plan.  I also wanted to out myself on the fact that I miss and want sex.  I am fiercely independent so it is hard to face certain things, such as the fact that I miss having sex with someone.  It is hard to come out and say that I am actually thinking that having a friend with benefits is a great idea.  It is hard for me to say that I am not self sufficient and need someone.

“I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.” ― Edna St. Vincent Millay

I kept coming up with reasons on how this was a great idea and it was perfectly acceptable.  Sex is healthy!  We are friends!  We had sex before!  After all we are both adults and single.  But are we?  Well he has a girlfriend that for some reason I have no problem forgetting about.   I have been cheated on, so I should be even more opposed to that idea than the average person.  Truth is I am not sure he still has a girlfriend and if so how serious it is.  It is hard for me to believe that he would be willing to cheat on his girlfriend.  Would this arrangement be called cheating?  Don’t answer; I know the answer to that!  Still his girlfriend never figured in my decision (I am not proud of that).

I knew that next time I saw AL again it would be hard to stop at kissing.  I knew it would be my doing if something happened as he is not the type to push and pressure anyone into anything.  Instead of looking forward to a third date with this one available guy I have been dating, I was looking forward to seeing AL again and already fantasying about all the possibilities.

“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” ― Rumi

Two nights ago, before I had the chance to write this post AL came to my apartment.   At first I just showed him my new apartment and we talked about some improvements I want to make. The whole time there was this underlying sexual tension.  We both knew we would kiss.  I don’t think we knew for sure that we would do more than kissing. Can we stop at kissing?  Should we? Why should we?  I was okay with anything happening or not happening.

We kissed! We kissed a lot!  And we didn’t stop there!  I will not bore you with the details…yadda yadda yadda we had sex!

This post was going to be about the idea of making something happen, now it is a “been there, done that, don’t need to do it again”.  This post is about being honest, human and flawed.  I make mistakes, sometimes I go out of my way to make mistakes.  Sometimes I know it is a mistake and I do it anyway.  I know there will be tons more down the road and I look forward to them all.

“sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

Immediately after sex I felt odd.  Don’t get me wrong, sex was good, but it didn’t seem to be what I needed.  I didn’t feel good or bad.  It is hard to explain.  Sex was comforting, fun, satisfying but also it felt temporary, lacking and empty.  It was empty in meaning, it lacked future.  I expected to either feel great about it or feel totally guilty.  I felt neither.  I felt weirdly and plainly okay.

After he left I was incredibility happy.  Not happy that he left, but happy that it had happened and it was over.  Most of all I was happy that it is never going to happen again (he doesn’t know that yet).  I had this calmness come over me.  I had this assuredness that I knew exactly how I felt about this. I had this sense that what had just happened was a necessary mistake. I needed to know in person/reality and not just in concept that this was not for me.  Somehow I don’t think that I would have listened to anyone telling me how dumb my idea was.  I had to go through it, the feelings, the emotions, the before, the after, the emptiness and the discovery!

“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” ― Deepak Chopra

I am not a friends with benefit type of person.  I am not passing judgment on anyone that does that as for awhile I thought it would work for me.  And who knows I may change my mind again.  But I realize that at this point in my life is not what I want.  I want meaning and positive energy.  I want to elevate my soul, to make it happy, to make it sing.  This is not the way to achieve that for me.  Sex to me is more than the physical part; it is the exchange of energy, the building of something, perhaps memories.  It is the oneness that one only gets when there is love and continuity. Somehow I need to have a commitment from the other person.  I want it all, the passion, the gentleness, the wild and raw, the miracle of it, and it can only be miraculously if you are with someone that you love and care about.   Perhaps what I am really trying to do is control sex.   Can sex be controlled?

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” ― Oscar Wilde

That AL perhaps has a girlfriend shouldn’t go unnoticed either.  I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s sadness.  I don’t want to contribute to anyone’s betrayal.  I don’t want that negative energy in my life. The truth is if I want to just have a sexual relationship with no strings attached I could easily have a line outside my door of single guys.  I don’t need to be with anybody’s boyfriend.  I know better than that.  I doubt his girlfriend is serious, or even if he has one now, but that is really besides the point now.  At that point I didn’t care if he had or not. I am not proud of that fact, but it is sadly true.

“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.” ― Francis Bacon, The Advancement Of Learning

I am embarrassed to be writing about this as at my age (almost 50). Where is the cosmopolitan world traveler Brazilian New Yorker? I fear I am sounding like a confused 20 yr old.  But these are my issues and what is in my mind.  I am going to own up to everything, pretty or not.  It is about knowing and accepting myself, and not making excuses.

I am not sure what came over me with those thoughts.  I think that it had something to do with the fact that lately when I start dating someone the moment they like me and they seem to want to get close to me, I run!  So at this rate I will never have sex again.  I broke things off with the date from the other day, the one I was confiding in AL about it.  He seemed to like me too much too fast so I felt pressured and ran.  It turns out the worst thing a man can do to me is show me he is very interested in me.  I start finding fault with him. I start projecting years down the road and I am turned off by what I see.  I think I am just afraid of giving anyone new a chance.

“So far, about morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.”― Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon

I am weirdly okay with this whole turn of events: texting AL again, having sex, deciding it is not for me.  I am even happy about it.  I would never have found out exactly how I feel about this had I not gone through. I don’t feel defeated, I feel empowered.  I have now a better sense of direction.  It is crazy to think that I needed this to happen but I think it was necessary for me.  If I were to continue on this route of sex without meaning it would only cheapen the whole act for me.  I like this romantic idea I have of it.  I also think that if I were to fully embark on that I would never give any new guy a chance.  AL would become my crutch.

Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt, of becoming vulnerable again.  I am fearless, or so I thought.  My actions lately seem all driven out of some kind of fear!

The best thing is that now I have a new resolve, new outlook, new determination.  I decided to give new people a chance.   I will welcome people instead of driving them away.  I will not project into the future.  I will take it one day at a time.  I will trust! I will let the light in!

And here I remain so sure of something and still totally confused!  But one think is for certain I am proud of telling you the naked truth!

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

***

I am not sure what will happen to the relationship I have with AL.  We continue to talk and text as if nothing happened.  I am a bit less flirty as I don’t want to give him any ideas.  Clearly we are very close friends as I can confide in him with anything.  I am comfortable enough with him to be naked in front of him while I know I am not physically at my best (that says a lot!).   I know that we will see each other again and I know in my heart that we will not have sex again – I just know it.  I no longer want to, I am no longer curious.  I am curious about his girlfriend though.  Does he really have one, how serious is she that he is willing to cheat on her?  I never asked him about that.  Somehow I never thought he would be the kind of guy that cheats on his girlfriend.   AL has been a constant in my life the past 3 years (even if for a long time it was just texting).  I appreciate his presence in my life.  If he were to disappear I would miss him.  He makes me smile. He is my friend!

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”― Marcel Proust