Category Archives: EX Files

My favorite topic: ex
Learning to live without and with him!

I guess the grieving process is not over :(

23 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 48 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” 
― Cassandra Clare

I was talking to my sister the other day when she said that I was different after the break up with Ex.   I asked: Different how?  She said: Angrier!

I was shocked! I never expected that answer!  If anything I thought she would have said happier or more at peace, anything along those lines.  But angrier???

At first I was speechless.  For several seconds my mind went numb and I didn’t know what to think, then for another brief second, thoughts of asking for examples of such behavior came to mind.

When I actually recovered my ability to speak I went into defensive mode explaining how what had happened to me would change anyone.  I felt the need to explain how my disappointment was so intense and painful that my only defense was to change.  No more Miss Nice Girl! Of course she didn’t need to hear any of the excuses for my change, as you guys don’t need to hear all of the details on how hurt I was, as you have heard all of that before.

But, was I really angrier?  Any traumatizing event is certain to leave a mark.  This was the most traumatizing event of my life.  No, I have not lived a sheltered life.  I left Brazil at 17 with no English and no money.  I certainly had to grow up fast and had my share of bad times.  But even with everything that I have lived through in my life, with my father battling cancer and coming up triumphant as an example of a terribly difficult time, this break up was an event that I thought it would kill me.

I didn’t need to ask my sister for examples.  I knew she was right.

The aftershocks of this break up are still ongoing.  I had certainly hoped that all my changes would be for the better.  I never thought I would lash out and be angry towards the ones I love the most.  I thought the break up had proved my ability to forgive and to continue to love above all things.  I thought if anything I had became more forgiving of human imperfections.  I forgave Ex and understood the need to look inside myself and take some ownership of my role in the relationship.  I thought I had dealt with things and had moved on. 

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” 
― Marcel Proust

But indeed I am angry!  I am angry at the Universe for showing me true love and then taking it away.  Why must you send me a man that treats me like a Princess for 3 years and then have that fairy tale just fall apart?  Why make me think that I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life and then make the rest of my life last only 3 years.  What now?  I don’t know who I am now.  How to fix a crystal vase?  You can’t!  You can try, but the imperfections are visible.  Those are all questions that I thought had already been put to rest and then all of a sudden they come to the surface again.

I am more impatient.  I want things done yesterday.  I am tougher on people closer to me.  I expect more, I expect people to proof themselves.  I thought I was just being an Aries, but instead was more than that, I am still dealing with hurt.

I am extremely tough on dates.  They have their work cut out for them.  It will not be easy getting into my heart anymore.  I guess I am being difficult with everyone to keep them away from me.  Perhaps my anger is my bullet proof vest .

It all gets back to Ex.  Why is that, 2 years after he still feel as fresh in my life as if it was yesterday?  No, I am not in love with him anymore, but I have come to the realization that I will love him forever.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

Ex is a scar in my body and my life and it is up to me to decide how I want to display that scar. Hide it as a shameful secret? Show it off as a badge of honor? Ignore it as a non-event? Or come to love it and accept as a natural life occurence?

I have instances when I want to talk to him and demand an apology.  In my mind, if I heard him accepting his mistakes and apologizing for them, then it would be okay for me to be friends with him.  I want to be okay to talk to him, but without an apology it feels too much like I am disrespecting myself.  We trade texts once in a blue moon on superficial matters.  At those times I catch myself caring about him and thinking of him as a friend.  I see myself wanting to share news with him.   When I catch myself I am terrified!  I quickly make a mental effort to remember all the lies and betrayals.  We are not friends, and can never be!  We share a past and that is it!  I am so afraid to let him back in my life!

Why is it so easy for me to be angry at others and yet to be angry at him it takes effort?

When I think I am over it all, that I am a better person for it, I realize I am an angrier person for it.  Back to the drawing board!! Back to trying to figure things out!  Back to trying to be whole again, and not just damaged goods!

I am so confused, and I am diving my heart crazy!  One second I tell it to just love!  Love all things, love the ones who love you, but above all, love the ones that hurt you even more.  And then I feel the need to remind it of what happens when you love, how vulnerable you become, and how you become a prey.

Yet I know better than to become this old angry woman!  I thank my sister for making me realize that I had made a wrong turn on the road to recovery.  I promise to be more watchful of my words and actions.  Hurting anyone with angry words is not what I wanted or intended.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…” 
― Nicholas Sparks

I will continue to tell my heart to love above all things! But it is also okay to be a little guarded.  Navigating that fine line will be key!

This is a post that I never saw it coming, but it is here and now I have to deal with it!  I feel somewhat embarrassed for such a post, for such weakness, for all of a sudden feeling less of a poster girl in dealing with a breakup, for such unawareness about myself.   But what am I dealing with it here?  The true definition of love and forgiveness?  The different ways in which pain manifests itself? Just another stage in the grieving process?  Surviving the loss of love?  How I see myself versus how the word sees me? Inability to let go of the past? Lies we tell ourselves?

Final thought: Just love, love, love and when in doubt, love some more!

BRAZIL: The revolt of the Happy Giant!

20 Thursday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“World peace must develop from inner peace. Peace is not just mere absence of violence. Peace is, I think, the manifestation of human compassion.” 
― Dalai Lama 

Please note: I am the least political person in the world. I don’t like discussing politics and religion, normally wanting to keep my opinions to myself and avoiding conflict. I will tell anyone what I think if I am asked but I will not go out of my way to address certain issues.  I also don’t feel I have read enough and understand enough to opine, but I feel the need to say something, from my Brazilian heart.  There is danger in keeping quiet, there is danger in not voicing your opinions, there is danger in going with the flow.

In addition, Ex sent me a text saying how sorry he was about the protests going on in Brazil.  I replied thanking him and saying it was a good thing.  He was shocked by my reply to agreeing with a protest for a few cents.  This morning he sent me this article saying that now that he read it my reply makes more sense:

http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-988431?hpt=hp_bn8

So,  I decided to write about the protest going on in Brazil right now.

“You may choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know.” 
― William Wilberforce

Today I am wearing my Brazilian Soccer jersey, which a lot of my co-workers thought it was because Brazil beat Mexico yesterday in a soccer game. So I guess I am killing 2 birds with one stone 🙂  My soccer jersey is to show my support to Brazil and perhaps an invitation to people to talk to me about Brazil, and I can’t deny I love Brazilian soccer.

The idea of the protest in Brazil is a good thing. I think it does lack a bit of clarity.  Is there a clear list of demands? oh wait, is that what protesters do or perhaps that is what hijackers do? whatever it is I am confused to what we (Brazilians) want.  We want change, but perhaps at this time we need to be more specific and spell it out the list of changes!

“Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace.” 
― Albert Schweitzer

The protest is not about the increase of a few cents on public transportation fares! It is about the never ending corruption and inequality.  It is about the changing of laws to protect the corrupt and powerful. It is about hospitals and schools in deplorable state.  It is about so much more.

I hate to see hurt and destruction provoked by vandals and criminals that take the opportunity of the protest to cause chaos; but to the protest and the reasons behind it I say: “It is about time!”

Next year will mark 30 years of leaving Brazil and living in the USA.  In all these  years I go to Brazil every year and have the opportunity to notice the changes in our economy and way of life.  Also my family lives there, so I know how their lives have improved.  Brazilians now have jobs available, we are eating better, travelling more, have access to everything the First world has (and speaking of First world, Second World, Third World, what is up with that? we are all one world!!!).  We have come a long way, and I see improvements in most areas, but still we are so far from where we could and should be.

Education, healthcare and the justice system needs an immediate overhaul.  Income inequality is another area that needs to be addressed asap.

The past several years I have witnessed a resurgence of “being proud to be Brazilian”.  I credit Lula (former President  Luis Inacio Lula da Silva) for putting Brazil in the world economy map and bringing about change.  I may not agree with everything he has done, and he has had his share of political scandals, but there was decidedly an improvement in the economy in Brazil caused by his presidency.  No single person alone can change a country and please everybody.

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.” 
― Amelia Earhart

When I speak,  I speak of my experience, I speak of my family’s experience living in the suburbs of Sao Paulo. The experience and lives of people living in other areas of huge Brazil are vastly different.  The truth is, to one degree or another the entire Brazil suffers.

I have been happy with the little improvements in Brazil.  Perhaps that has been Brazil’s problem all along: to be happy with the little that has been offered, never causing any waves, always wanting to please.  When you never had much a little can seem huge! As long as we have our Sunday football, yearly carnival, daily soap operas, we are happy and quiet!

Criminals go impune hiding behind an outdated criminal code (he/she is a minor, it is his/her first offense, and the list to go totally scot free goes on and on and on.  Criminals get arrested today and go free on the same day.  The Brazilian Legal System has become a joke.  Brazilians citizens have lost total faith.

I pray this opportunity for the Powers that Be to take notice and do something about it is not wasted. But honestly I don’t have high hopes.

In Brazil we are so used to things not getting done, not getting resolved, specially with the politicians in Brasilia, that we even coined a term “tudo vai acabar em pizza”, meaning “everything will end up in pizza”.  It means they will talk about it, fight with each other, say they have the people’s best interest at heart, but in the end all stays the same and the politicians, or the people in charge, end up in a bar eating pizza together.

The coming up World Cup is the icing on the corruption cake! Where is all the money going?

I am proud, happy and blessed to be both Brazilian and American. My prayers go to my fellow Brazilians living in Brazil.  May we be noticed and heard!

My truth is I have 2 loves which I cannot say which one I love more.  Brazil is my first love, Brazil is in my blood and in my heart.  US is my day to day, the welcoming open arms, the land of opportunity. Brazil is my biological country, US is my adoptive country!

My heart aches for Brazil, Turkey, Syria, anywhere and everywhere in the world where there is political turmoil and unrest.  May compassion be in the heart of all, may the powerful be kind, may the weak be strong.  May understanding be a bridge to a peaceful destination.

“The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi

Stop fooling around and get in bed!!

16 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 48 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.” 
― Edgar Allan Poe

There is this strange phenomenon that happens in my apartment every night at around 10/11pm: I start telling myself I should be getting into the shower and getting myself ready to bed; and at the same time I start coming up with many things to do before getting to bed.

It took me awhile to realize I am practicing avoidance.  I am avoiding going to bed. I start watching some show, reading a book, playing a game, paying bills, organizing my purse, making lists of things to do, etc, anything that keeps me from getting to bed.

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

Even when going out in the evening and coming in late, many people go straight to bed barely managing to take off the make up or brushing their teeth. No me!  I have to watch some tv or read or play a card game on the computer to unwind.  And then there is the shower, make up to remove, teeth to be brushed, and on and on and on.

Once I am able to talk myself into getting into the shower to get ready to bed, it will take me at least another 30 minutes to get into bed.  It takes me longer to get ready for bed than to get ready to work in the morning.

I think I would be a great subject for a psychiatrist.  Why do I avoid getting in bed?  Once I am in bed I fall sleep right away (which is very different from a year ago when I couldn’t sleep a whole night.  Thank God,  melatonin eventually helped that)

WHY AM I DOING THAT?

1. Do I still miss Ex in my bed and that is why I don’t want to get into an empty bed? Perhaps… but I don’t really think I miss him anymore.  I miss a warm body next to me, somewhere to lay my head and feel safe.

2. Do I think that I will be missing something? Since I live alone there are no housemates to be throwing a party while I am asleep.

3.  Do I feel my day was not productive enough and I am trying to fit a few more things in? Very possible.  I get home from work full of ideas, by the time 10pm rolls around I realize I have not accomplished all I intended to do.  I really dislike the feeling of leaving things unfinished.

4. Do I hate myself and am I punishing myself by depriving myself of sleep?

5.  Do I just lose track of time and there is no really big secret or big explanation about it?

By the time I am finally getting into bed I am not very pleased with myself and I am full of promises to go to bed at a reasonable time the following evening.  And the next evening I am singing the same tune again.

Why am I sabotaging my health? I know how important sleep is!  Then why?

Perhaps is the ADD or ADHD showing one of its many faces. Could this be a symptom?  Since I touched about it in this post: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/07/01/why-run/ I really didn’t do anything about it.

I am not sure what you will take for me to get to bed on time.  Realizing I have a problem and need to change is the first step.  So you all are witnessing my taking the first step! Now what?

My heart wants fireworks!

27 Monday May 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 64 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

If you know me you know I follow my heart in all areas of my life.  I have done things that people thought were crazy but they always turned out to be the correct decision for me.  I blindly allow my heart to lead and I am proud of it.  I think it takes courage to let your heart lead, but to me it is not only a matter of being courageous it a matter of not knowing how to be any other way.

I have always believed that all the answers are already within me and if I look hard enough and allow my heart to have a voice all will be revealed and I will always be on the right path.

Then I met Ex and jumped head first on that relationship that I thought would be forever, instead it turned out to have an expiration date.

I often look back at that experience.  It has been extremely hard to let the past in the past, even though I can happily say I know I am over him.  Did my heart lead me wrong? No, never! There were lessons there to be learned.

I often look back because I believe every single experience in our lives teaches us lessons.  The harder the experience the more meaningful the lesson.  I often look back to make sure I haven’t missed a lesson.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately and looking back is part of it.   I analyze the past not to change the past, but to change my future.  To make sure that I am being smart and not making the same mistake over and over again.

People normally have to be told to stop thinking so much and follow their hearts.  I  probably could use the opposite advice: Stop following your heart and think a little!

I have started questioning my allowing my heart to rule my life, specially my love life.  Do I do that so that I can blame my heart and never take full responsibility for my actions?

Would I have done things differently if I had allowed my mind to have any say? Who knows? Perhaps I would not even have started the relationship with EX to begin with.

Now I am on e-harmony for the second time around and this time I am meeting a lot people.  Some dates have been very nice, there is one person in particular that stands out in his effort to try to win me over, but there are no fireworks or sparks.

Should I follow my heart and just say: Next! Or should I give this nice guy a chance to make me fall for him (assuming that is something that it can happen)

Can it happen?  Can I wake up some day madly in  love with someone that just yesterday I thought was just very nice?  Should I even give someone a second date if there was no chemistry on the first?

Should I continue to be all heart or should I allow my mind to have a say in matters of the heart?

I have always thought that is either there or not there, that spark, that thing I cannot explain, the butterflies in my stomach.

Honestly I don’t think I will ever have what I had with Ex. Should I stop looking for Prince Charming and settle for someone that cares about me and wants to make happy?  After all, Prince Charming already came and left for other skirts, I mean, greener pastures.

Perhaps there is no right answer…no, what am I saying? of course there is a right answer, let me go ask my heart! 🙂

Miss “have it all together” is a complete mess!

15 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

≈ 43 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

… and today I fell apart …

Yesterday I was all high and mighty proclaiming to all that would listen (and read) that I was over Ex.

I had never felt more in control of my feelings and the situation. I was doing happy dances around  the apartment.

I felt so strong embracing life solo, hopeful and happy!  I have been living solo, but outings with AL made life seems less solo.

I felt powerful to be able to approach my relationship with AL in a levelheaded manner.  It felt amazing to be able to be friends with him and know that he feels exactly the same way.

And everything in my Universe felt absolutely right … until today…

I was feeling so strong that I decided to text Ex regarding an address of a mutual friend that is ill and I want to send a card.   I tried Google and I called this lady’s daughter for the address but since both attempts have been fruitless I decided that I was well enough to have a mature unemotional exchange with Ex.

There was not one specific word that set me off.  There was no reason for me to all of a sudden burst into tears in the middle of the work day and crave him so much!! Oh stupid fool, pull it together. So you thought he was the one, so you think that there will never be anyone like him, so what?  Move the heck on!!!!

It will be almost 2 years soon, shouldn’t it be over?   It has been several months since I had missed him and this freedom from wanting him was giving me such a high.

Life is indeed funny and unpredictable.   This teaches me that I should be more vigilant and make sure not to contact him for anything.

Some things we can never get over, we just have to manage it.  Perhaps I should deal with the reality that I will forever love him.  He is my drug that I cannot give into. I will be forever an Exholic!

I am sorry for letting down so many that thought that I had it all together. I tried, I am trying and tomorrow I am going to try again! I think what I owe everyone and, most importantly, myself is complete honesty! If I am following that then all else will eventually fall in place!

What I have all together is the fact that I want to be always 100% honest, even if I look foolish and flawed.

The best part is I am happy, happy, happy.  So I cried, big deal!  I am human and have feelings! Life is better with feeling than without them!!

Thank you heart for being so amazingly committed to someone! But please can you relax a little and give others a chance?

 

Moving on and on and on ….

14 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

I should be writing about my visit to Brazil.  It was amazing as it always is, but today I have something else in my heart I want to write about.  Something in my heart that I need to do.

I have been dating, well dating implies it is going somewhere, so perhaps “seeing” is a better word, so I have been seeing a younger man for the past 8 months knowing fully well that it would not be a lasting thing. Yet I embarked on this new experience with all my heart, truth and honesty.

I knew that I was using him to replace Ex and all his memories. Using has a bad connotation, but it is the truth. It worked! I no longer miss Ex. I still have moments of missing what I had, but it is different now. There is no crying now. Ex feels like the past, and even the sadness of what could have been is gone.  It was what it was and for having lived it I am grateful.

Being with someone to replace somebody else sounds like a recipe for disaster. Am I playing with fire going out with someone thinking I wasn’t going to get emotionally attached? no doubt! Not even I believed it when I proclaimed my total control of the situation.  I get emotionally attached to my toothpaste, am I not going to get emotionally attached to someone that is kind, funny and which company I enjoy?

We both agree that this is not a serious thing and that as long as we are honest with each other things will work out. We know we are not for each other.  The age difference is not the whole problem. We are at very different stages in life and looking for different things.  But we enjoy each other’s company.

I knew the day would come when we would go our separate ways.  I am thinking that perhaps today is the day.  The day to resolve things before I get really emotionally attached.  To continue seeing him knowing it is not going anywhere has now begun to feel like a disservice to me and to what I want in my life.  And to him also. And perhaps to all my prospective dates… and his.

The timing is perfect.  I have re-joined e-harmony and have even gone on a couple of dates.  But all of a sudden finding someone it is not important anymore. I am enjoying being alone more and more. There is no hurry anymore.

I like this moment in my life, where I feel in absolute control of my feelings and life has this incredible taste of surprise.  It seems fitting to put an end to a situation that no longer fits seems fitting.

So, good bye AL!.  I am grateful for the time we have spent together.  I am grateful for the part you have played in mending my broken heart.  I am happy that we both agree that just friends is the way to go. It was amazing fun while it lasted.

I am so excited for myself, for getting stronger and stronger and for this life that keeps getting better and better!

 

Guess what?? I have changed my mind!

15 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 32 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

I did what I said I would never do! I signed up for e-harmony again! (Another wonderful thing about me: I allow myself to change my mind!!)

Even when you are no longer a member at e-harmony you still get emails from them with matches that want to get to know you, so one of them peaked my interest enough to want to check it out.

I have been casually dating someone, but he and I know this relationship is not going to get anywhere.  He is a great guy, but the age difference and the different priorities in life are too much for us to overlook.   Still we enjoy going out to dinner and sharing a bottle of wine every once in awhile.

This time e-harmony has been a very different experience then last time. I am still using the same profile I had but now I am getting many more matches and more of them interested in talking to me.  So, so far quantity is good, as far as quality we shall see. I think it has to do with my being open to the experience and not just wanting to find someone to replace Ex.

I went on one date with a great guy at a great restaurant, great conversation, but no chemistry on my side.  He wants a second date, but I said no.  There was one date which was just weird (I will write about in an upcoming post).   I have canceled 2 dates after I had already agreed on them, I really knew it wouldn’t work so I didn’t want to waste their time and my perfume.  And I am exchanging emails with a few interesting guys, so to me this has been a success already. (talk about low expectations- lol)

I think everything in life is a question of timing.  I believe in Divine Timing and I know that things will happen when they are meant to happen and if they are meant to happen.  The worst that could happen to me is that I end up alone, and that,  I have to tell you, is not bad at all because I adore my own company! 🙂  But with that being said, I think having a partner is much more fun.  So, until Divine Timing happens and that amazing guy knocks on my door,  I will play Master of my own Destiny and use whatever tools I have at my disposal to look for that special someone. 

I enjoy the fact that with e-harmony I am able to meet people from all walks of life.

Please don’t understand this post as an endorsement for e-harmony or any other online dating.  I am just saying that it works for me as a distraction and it helps me feel that I am in control (there I go again with that illusion that I am in control of anything) of my dating situation.

And if you do decide on an online dating site, the key word is safety! I don’t give my phone number or address to anyone. If something feels weird I stop communication immediately.  I listen to my gut!!

The moment I think a guy warrants a second date then that will be the end of my romance with Mr. Too Young (I told him about e-harmony).  It wouldn’t be right or fair to anyone involved, and I am not one to be juggling men! Well I never tried, perhaps I could be a natural… just kidding!!!

In the meantime EX emails again persisting on letting me know he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to see him, and still professing his love for me.  He is not talking about getting back together (not that I would, I just find it hilarious that he continuous to say that he loves me deeply while with a new girlfriend in his arms.)    I no longer have the energy to try to explain it, so I just continue to say: no, thank you!

Peace!

I texted Ex!

21 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 43 Comments

Tags

, , ,

I texted Ex!
I know how it looks. And I actually don’t care how it looks, but how I feel.
One of the things I pride myself on is always giving a voice to my heart.  I like wearing my heart on my sleeve, I like being open and transparent.
Saying what I want, when I want unburdens and empowers me.
I don’t care what he thinks either. It is not about him! It never was! It is about me and my feelings and how I act and react to them!
I am taking myself and my heart back little by little, too slow for my liking, but somethings cannot be rushed. Each little step towards freedom is important and rewarding.
I texted him to express gratitude.
I was at Windham, NY skiing (or attempting to) and I was feeling overwhelmed with the freedom of the open space and the beauty of the mountain. I was also feeling good about my progress skiing.
Right then and there I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for the person that introduced me to skiing: Ex

ii

This is what I wrote:
“I want you to know that no matter how much hurt I still have in my heart I will be eternally grateful for the many things you have taught me including and especially skiing. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
I know that many may think I am opening a door for him to waltz back in, but that is not the case at all. I am opening a door to the healing of my heart.
I don’t expect a reply, that was no the point of sending the text.
He does reply in the form of an email the following day, saying I should be proud of being a Brazilian skier.
and that was it!

I have decided to look at my relationship with Ex, as a whole, with all its beauty during and not so beautiful ending. The relationship was not the ending alone, I cannot only think about how it ended and dwell on it.  I cannot also only think about the beautiful time and have this unreal view of it.
I don’t regret sending it the text the same way I don’t regret the relationship.  IN fact I would be willing to do it all over again!

I think that my reaching out to him is my way of making peace with my past.  I cannot hate Ex, that would be like hating my past, and I love my past.  I don’t want to be in the past, I want to be fully in the present and embrace the amazing future that awaits.  I want to continue to grow and become better and better. But my past is me, and I embrace it, love it and I am making peace with it!

It felt so freeing being the one that reached out instead of being in the receiving end! It made me feel in control.  I am making things happen and not waiting for them to happen to me and just react to it!

So, thank you Ex, for skiing and other things! Thank you for my lovely memories!

Missing everything about you …

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 57 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

I wrote this months ago when, clearly,  I missed everything about Ex.

I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of you

I don’t miss your house, I miss playing house

I don’t miss our dinners together, I miss a table for two

I don’t miss the the tennis court, I miss a partner

I don’t miss your bed, I miss a warm body next to me at night

I don’t miss our time together, I miss the daily routine

I don’t miss your kisses, I miss a mouth touching mine

I don’t miss your voice, I miss being told the truth

I don’t miss your touch, I miss being touched

I don’t miss the vacations together, I miss escaping the day to day

I don’t miss you, I miss the fairy-tale, the infinite, the forever

I don’t miss anything about you, yet there is a hole so big and deep that sometimes threatens to swallow me

But in reflecting about this I realize there is one thing I miss. The one thing about you that is pure and honest:  I miss your dog! I miss those big black eyes begging me for a treat!

and this last image is just because it made me laugh:

Never hate …willing to try love again and again

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

, , ,

Trying again and again, falling down, getting up and trying again and again, that to me is life, a continuous cycle of trials, specially my life.

Going for what you want and never giving up, be it a job or love or anything else you aim at, takes determination! It also takes forgetting, forgiving and believing! oh yeah, and one must not forget their sense of humor!

Everyone says “letting go of the past” is essential to moving on. I am beginning to believe that completely “letting go of the past” may never happen for me, so instead I am focusing on making peace with the past.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just makes them less vivid!  The wounds are still there, like battle scars.  The type of scar that still bleeds and hurts when touched.

The above quote is completely right: Letting go isn’t a thing that you do and you are done with. You have to keep doing it over and over again.

I thought that I would magically wake up one day and realize that I no longer had any thoughts of Ex and anything related to him, but that is not the case. Some mornings I wake up and the pain is as fresh as if it all happened yesterday.

I am happy embracing my future, but I find myself making frequent trips to the past. Some days out of the blue the past come flooding back as a torrent that takes me by surprise and breaks me down. I am left in a puddle of tears.

I have been putting so much pressure on myself to let go of the past that it seems to be back-firing.  It is draining me and having the opposite effect.  I decided to try a different approach , and an easier attitude. If I visit the past every now and then, so be it!  It is not the end of the world!

I don’t want Ex anymore, but somehow there is a certain level of comfort in holding on to memories of him, good and bad. The good memories, makes me feel I was loved and that the 3 years were not in vain. The bad memories helps me to move forward, helps me to remember that I need to value myself and put myself in first place.

This has been a year of major realizations.  Ex helped me realize that I am incapable of having mean thoughts and feelings about anyone, including and specially him.  He wrote me an email 2 days ago thanking me for loving him so much and thanking my family for having welcomed him with open arms and treating him like family – Hurricane Sandy made him realize a few things. I cried! Even if it is all bs and chances are great that it is, it touched me and made me realize that I don’t want to hate him, I want to see him happy!  Not with me, but happy!

I really loved him and it is really true what they say about wanting to see the person you love happy.  I am looking past what he did that hurt me.  Our relationship was the entire 3 years and not just the last few months. So he messed up in the last months. He is only human. I am willing to accept that. I think one day he will realize all he has done. But he is not there yet.

I do wish he would examine his actions so he would learn from them, but I am no longer willing to be his instructor.  I am just enjoying having a heart that doesn’t know how to hate. I thank him for the great time, forgive him for the pain he caused and wish him happiness. I find comfort in not hating him.  Actually I should thank him for the pain also, without pain there is no growth!   I have been growing by leaps and bounds because of him!

I replied to the e-mail like I would to an old friend, but didn’t engage in additional exchanges. I am not his friend, but I am not his enemy either. He is a person I knew and cared for! Period! Perhaps I should have not replied, but I am happy I did. It makes me feel more in control this way.  Trying to ignore him made me feel like I was actually giving him power over me.

I navigate life alone beautifully, and I am not faking it, I really enjoy my freedom! I love doing what I want when I want and not having to explain anything to anybody! But, yes there is a but, I really want to find someone with my same values, humor and energy to go through life together.  I want to find someone that thinks that life is both a blessing and a big adventure!

In the meantime I am working on myself, enjoying life and always in search of people and things that will add to my life not detract from it.

I am also looking at how I present myself and how I treat others.  Forgetting about me, me, me and focusing on a greater good sounds like a good recipe for a better future!  Can I behave today better than I did yesterday?  How many people can I make smile tomorrow?

I choose to be happy!!! 🙂