Category Archives: EX Files

My favorite topic: ex
Learning to live without and with him!

Still talking about Ex after all this time!

24 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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My feet in Brazilian soil with my favorite flower

My feet in Brazilian soil with my favorite flower

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” ― Pema Chödrön

Between the NFA and the CFTC I am going crazy at work.  There are so many new regulations (aimed at banks) that non-banks like us need to comply with that is making so hard to continue to be in business.  The worst part is that, they themselves don’t seem to know what they want.  All these regulations are doing is putting small companies out of business.  We are still around, but it has not been easy.   It has been an exercise in calm and patience, breath in, breath out.  🙂

IN DIFFICULT MOMENTS, BEHAVE LIKE A DUCK…     Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away underneath! (not sure who said it)

**

My Mom is in town, as I have mentioned, so I have shopped, gambled and ate in excess.  I have a whole new wardrobe, some extra pounds on my body and less dollars in my wallet, but I don’t care as long as Mom is happy!  The moment she leaves I am back to fish and brown rice, no casino and no shopping!

“To be happy, make others happy.” ― Stephen Richards

**

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.” ― Albert Einstein

Life progresses…there are moments of internal unrest…an uneasy feeling, something off, something missing.  I see those moments as a wake-up call.  They tell me that there are a lot more learning and growing to do.  Comfort creates complacency.  Nothing great has been created out of people being too comfortable in their situations.   I confess:  I get lazy.  I, like we all, have so much potential, and yet some days it is just easier to sit on the couch and watch lives being lived, instead of getting out there and living my own life.

At these turbulent times I try to be as active as I can, physically and mentally.  Accomplishing things makes me feel motivated to accomplish even more.   I also stop and reflect on how blessed I am in all aspects of my life.  Focusing on the good is a wonderful way to feel centered and in control of my life.

Control!  At the end of the day I think it all boils down to that for me.

Perhaps, at this moment, this internal unrest is called PMS and it sucks!! L

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  ― Rainer Maria Rilke

***

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

Now getting to the real topic: my writing about the not so ex Ex!

I fear boring you, reader, with my never ending writing about Ex.  I am frankly tired of thinking and writing about Ex and fear you are probably sick of reading about it too.

What do I do?  Should I stop writing about him and give you the impression that he is just a long lost memory? Or should I continue to write about him and bore you to tears? Perhaps worst than boring you I fear giving you the incorrect impression that I am this weak, needy, lonely soul.  I am a strong, self-sufficient and happy soul, but I do struggle with letting go of Ex and the life I had with him.

This blog was created as an outlet for my heartache.  It was a way of having a voice and letting my frustrations out.  Then, you reader, you became my friend.  I want to please, inspire, motivate, and make you laugh.  How do I accomplish both things, pleasing you and pleasing me?

I don’t know.

This blog is about my life, and above all, my heart, and unfortunately Ex continues to figure in it.  I will continue to write as my heart dictates, for better or worse.  I am sorry readers if I bore you with my thoughts of ex.  I am sorry I am not this amazing person that was able to so readily and happily able to let him go.  On the other hand, you get truth, ugly and all.

My life is amazing, and Ex is a part of it, even if I dislike that part.  So the best course of action is to make peace with it.  I need to stop thinking that miraculously I will wake up one day and no longer think of him.  It is a daily struggle.

Memories of him will come and go, like memories of anything in my life, good and bad.  I will treasure the good ones and I will let go of the bad ones.  There is no deadline to stop thinking of him.  It gets easier.  It has gotten easier.

I hope you continue to come and read and indulge me while I, once in a while, wallow in self-pity.  Feel free to set me straight – somebody has to!

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

Jealousy, Happiness or something else?

11 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Hi friends, It has been a longer than usual…Where do I start?  Life happens… good and bad, and all I can do is manage the very little I have control of.  I realize, more and more, the need to speak less and listen more.  It seems that will be the path to my personal wisdom. My impulsive mouth gets me in trouble every time.

Moving on… Work is chaotic at times, but I realize that is when I am more productive.  Reigning over chaos makes me feel powerful.

Mom is in town, which means more of everything, more eating, more shopping, more watching TV.  Did I mention more eating?

Having Mom in town has been great for dating, and I am not being sarcastic.  It has been a great tool to weed out some of the potential dates out.  If someone cannot wait 3 weeks or less to meet me, how great a partner are they going to be for me? I am not saying they are not great, but the person for me will understand that I have a limited time with my mother and I am choosing to put her first over somebody I didn’t even meet yet.

Speaking of dating, 3 ghosts from the dating past have resurfaced.  One called wanting to check if I still had the same work number – he announced he got married.  The second wrote wishing me a happy birthday – he announced he just got engaged.  The third wrote to tell me that he has met someone and they have been dating for a couple of weeks.  I am not sure why he felt the need to write and tell me that, perhaps he wanted to share his happiness or perhaps he wanted to tell me I missed out.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about all those ghosts from the “not so far past” being happily coupled.   Originally when I heard from all 3 in the space of 2 days I confess I felt a hint of jealousy.  Then on the next second I thought to myself, shouldn’t I be happy, or perhaps even relieved? I am the one that decided not to continue to date, or even to start dating them.  My feelings haven’t changed.  They are all great guys, but not great for me.  So in the end, I am choosing to be happy that they are happy.

Perhaps the real question here is:  Will there be a great guy for me, or should I settle for a great guy period? Perhaps my heart is stuck on that one “great”(and I use the term loosely) guy that is now known as Ex, and I am blind to everyone else?

“Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.” ― Sholem Asch

I still continue to struggle with thinking of him.  The absurdity of such situation is not lost on me.  It will be 3 years soon.  When will I stop thinking of all those happy moments?  When will I not get so sad that I was so easily replaced? I am happy and content with my single life, or am I not and just fooling myself? Now that my Mom is here I catch myself mentioning his name more and more.  I actually told her that she is allowed to slap me on the mouth if I ever say his name again.  She agreed. I am happy to say that I have not been hit yet! 🙂

When will my heart understand what my mind and soul already knows?  That part of my life is over and done with.  There were great moments, but in the end that it is all that it was: great moments.  I am deserving of more and better.  I am deserving of always and forever.

The forgiving part was easy; the forgetting part has been a battle.  I am persistent and this war is not over yet.

“Without forgetting it is quite impossible to live at all.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Heart Matters and Mind Games!

19 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Valentine’s Day Date (or not)

I was going to have a date on Valentine’s Day with this person from Plenty of Fish. It was a last minute invitation and since I had nothing planned I said yes. (also, as a side note, this is one Valentine’s Day that didn’t bother me at all, I was totally indifferent to the fact that I am single)

I walked to the bar at the appointed time imagining he was not there as he said he was running late.  I looked through the glass windows when I got there and didn’t see him there.

I didn’t want to walk into this bar alone because I always had a weird feeling about  it.  (I did agree to meet him there since I thought it would be a good excuse for me to try this bar and perhaps erase the feeling I have about it)

I had texted a couple of times saying that I was going to wait for him at the door and then saying that I was outside by the door. Later I called and he didn’t pick up.  Finally 20 minutes later when I texted  that I was going to walk home, since he apparently had stood me up,  he texts me that he is inside the bar.

As I am reading the text and not sure what to think, he walks out and without saying hello rudely says: you can’t walk into a bar?  I was floored, shocked, at not only what he said, but how rudely he said it and I said: No I can’t!

He turns his back to me and walks back inside, I turn around and start walking home. For a second I felt I was in a movie or something other than real life.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was shocked and confused at first, wondering why a guy would travel 1 hour to come and meet me and then have this kind of behavior.  But immediately I am strangely at peace and not even annoyed.  I know in my heart I just dodged a bullet.

“No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy.” 
― Bryant McGill

As I walk the 2 blocks home I am thanking my guardian angels and my lucky stars for protecting me and preventing me from meeting a person that clearly it is not good for me!

Perhaps I should have walked into the bar, but what kind of man, ignores texts and phone calls and then is that rude?  Not the man that I deserve that is for sure!

I really do feel blessed and consider situations like this a blessing and not a curse!

“Blessings sometimes show up in unrecognizable disguises. ” 
― Janette Oke

****

Montreal is calling

Well, my new friend D.  from Montreal (the one  I mentioned in my previous post) sent me another email.  He asked me if I had plans of seeing him again.

I replied: “Plans to meet again?  is the ball on my court?  I guess we need to talk about that.”

He enjoyed the “ball on my court” comment (English is not his first language so I am assuming he had never heard of that expression before) and said that we need to plan it.

I would like to see him again as I had a great time with him but more as a friend and not anything romantic.  I have a feeling he desires romance, and I desire friendship.

So I am just not sure what will happen here. Stay tuned!

****

“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.” 
― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

Ex doesn’t play dead.

It is hard to be honest about this, but what is the point of having a blog about my life if I am not going to be completely honest?  On Valentine’s Day I was hoping to hear from Ex.

I know for sure I don’t want to be back with him.  I know that he wouldn’t be good for me.  Not that getting back together is even an option.  He has already been living with someone since we broke up.

There is this part of me that still wants him to think of me. Why do I still crave those morsels of attention?  I guess because I have such a hard time forgetting about him I am wishing he feels the same.

But what is the point?  I know better!

Then in the afternoon, there comes his text: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Love” After my heart skipped a beat and I felt happy for a millisecond I was immediately mad at him for playing with my feelings.

Why does he do that to me? My last communication with him was around Thanksgiving when I asked him to pretend I was dead.  He thinks he never did anything wrong and that we are still friends (according to him his only mistake was not having the time to be the man that I wanted him to be).

He must know it hurts me… and it does hurt me! This is all about power!

I didn’t reply, it took all I got not to.  But what is the point?  To say thank you would make him think that I welcome his communication.  To again ask him to stop clearly won’t make a difference, so to ignore it seems the best course of action.

I am, however, stronger, than I ever been, clear on what I want and don’t want.  He is definitely not in my plans in any capacity.  I don’t see these moments of longing and thinking of him as setbacks, I see it as part of the path, as tests of strength and with each I become stronger.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”  ― Steve Maraboli

On another note his mother is moving from another state to live with him (and with his girlfriend).

I have a great relationship with his mother and will not break up with her because he broke up with me. She calls me often and wants me to go visit the day she moves in.  I said I will meet her any place else but I will not go to a house that I was forced to move out from.

I made his house a home.  I made everything about the house and the yard better.   I was proud to have cleaned up and organized it and put my mark in it.  I cannot imagine going through the house and not seeing my pictures on the wall.  I cannot imagine seeing the signs of another woman where I should be.

But the number one reason I don’t want to go there is C, the dog.  I want to see him and hug him so much.  I want to take him for a walk and play with him in the yard. But I am choosing to just hold on to the memories.  I think that if he sees me he will think I am back to stay, I cannot do that to him or to me.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami

Skiing is living and Making peace with all things Ex!

23 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” *

November 28, 2013

My skiing trip is all planned!  Whistler it is! I am so excited about this trip; I am like a kid going to Disney!  There are many things that make me happy about this trip, besides the pure love of skiing:

1)    Practice makes it perfect.  I enjoy realizing that with persistence and practice I can get better at anything I put my mind to it.  Nothing is unattainable!  I am not going to be an expert but I am going to improve until I am as comfortable skiing as I am walking.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” *

2)    Being challenged.  I love how challenging it is for me, and still I know I can conquer it.  The falling and getting up multiple times is a great lesson.  In skiing I don’t see not falling as a good thing; I see it as I am playing it safe, I am not challenging myself.  It is the perfect analogy for life.  We can get too comfortable in it and not strive to get better and reach our potential.  Our potential as human beings and God’s children is limitless.  The sky is the limit; we can have it all and do it all.   Keep on falling…and getting up.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”*  

3)    Freedom from thought.  At the top of a snowy mountain is the only place and time in the world where my mind is totally thoughtless. There are times that I stop right at the top and I look around and I actually look for thoughts as I appreciate my smallness in the world. I feel this indescribable peace within me.  I feel so infinitely small before God’s amazing nature and yet so powerful and rich.  I feel blessed to be able to experience this.

“I’m alive. When I’m eating that’s all I think about. If I’m on the march, I just concentrate on marching. If I have to fight,it will be just as good a day as any to die. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life is the moment we are living now.”*

4)    Being self sufficient.  This trip was my idea, my decisions, my planning.  I am going alone and I just know it will be even more fun than I dream of.  This is a major step to being back to my very confident single self.  The world is my oyster, Whistler is just the beginning!

I want to live as I ski, boldly!  Falling and getting up, taking chances, combining tiny steps into long strides. Going forward always! Laughing in the face of fear!

“People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”* 

5)    Making new memories.  Finally and perhaps most important at this time, I will be making new memories in Whistler.  The memories I have of Whistler are all with Ex. I have to give him credit for introducing me to skiing and for making it all as comfortable and fun as possible.  It was because of him that I discovered and fell in love with skiing.  On the first day when I wanted to give up, he is the one that made me relax and try again.  Thank you Ex, I am forever grateful!

“Don’t think about what you’ve left behind” The alchemist said to the boy as they began to ride across the sands of the desert. “If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.” *

******

Speaking of Ex, I realized that I don’t have to rebel and go against and let go of everything I enjoyed with Ex.

  “And, when you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward.” *

  • His mother.  I don’t have to stop talking to his mother.  My relationship with his mother has become even stronger.  There was a moment I thought about breaking it off, but I am glad I didn’t.  She is a cool person and the love we have for each other is genuine.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” *

  • Kansas City Chiefs. I spent a week at their training camp and learned the rules of the game by watching them.  I love an underdog because in many ways I feel like one.  Immediately after the breakup I gave all my jerseys away in an effort of erasing Ex out of my life, as if it was going to be that easy.   I have recently realized that I don’t need to find a new team.  The Chiefs are my team and that is final! All they need to do now is win a Super Bowl for me!! 🙂
  • Skiing and Tennis.  I never met anyone so athletic and so great at all sports as Ex.  ( is lying and cheating a sport?).  I plan on continuing trying to get better and enjoying both, skiing and tennis as much as possible and as much as my hip and shoulder will allow it.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” *

The fact is that my new (well, not so new) single life doesn’t have to revert to what it was before Ex.  My today is composed of all my yesterdays, of all experiences with every single person that came and comes into my life, even if for one moment.  I am a better person today because of all the good and bad experiences that people I have shared life with afforded me.  I am not going to try to forget them and pretend they never existed.  I am going to rejoice on them, learn from them and build upon them!

“Because I don’t live in either my past or my future.I’m interested only in the present”.” *

*All quotes are from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I was having an Alchemist kind of moment – it was hard not to quote the entire book!

My Powerful Allies: Space, Time and Silence!

05 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri

This blog wouldn’t be the same if every now and then I wouldn’t mention Ex.  The goal is for him to be a long lost memory, but it is not turning out to be that way.

Here is the latest installment:

On Thanksgiving day he sent me a text saying Happy Thanksgiving.  Okay that may not seem like a lot or perhaps may seem like a good thing to some, but to me it hits a nerve.  How many times do I have to ask him not to contact me?

Doesn’t he understand that every time he does that he reopens a wound that is starting to heal?

I have been trying not to be reactive, so I didn’t do anything…  for 1 day. A day later his text was still in my mind, so I fired off a couple of texts telling him to please stop.  I was honest and told him how much it hurts me when he does that.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him that it hurts, perhaps that is what he wants.

He replied that he said Happy Thanksgiving  because he loves me and wants me and my family to have a good Thanksgiving. He also added that he was going to wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year now because he didn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often.

What??? He doesn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often???? How many times can I ask him not to contact me? Why does he play dumb?

“There are some wounds that one can heal only by deepening them and making them worse.” 
― Auguste de Villiers de l’Isle-Adam

So I texted a final text and I asked him to pretend I was dead because that is what I am trying to do in regards to him. It sounds dramatic, but it is true.

I am not proud of texting him, perhaps I should have not done it.  But what is done is done. No regrets, just hoping I can choose silence next time.

I am hoping I got my point across.  If not, my next step will be to change my phone number.

I have to see the good side of everything, so here is how I put my positive spin on it:

I welcome the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the anger, all the feelings fighting for space inside me and threatening to come out.  I welcome them all to come to the surface, have some face time and then leave.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

I am happy that even though I felt like replying to him right away I didn’t.  I didn’t react impulsively.  I thought about it and let things marinate. I replied anyway later but it didn’t control me, I controlled it.

I am happy that I am so sure I don’t want any contact with him.  Before, his texts would give me hope, even if I didn’t want to own up to it.  Now it is annoying and painful.

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”  ― Marcel Proust

I am at peace now. At peace with the text and hopeful that he now got the message.

I realized that I have a trio of allies and I need to let them do their work.  My allies are Space, Time and Silence.

Space/Distance:  I need to keep my space from Ex and that to me doesn’t only mean physical space.  It means not snooping around the internet looking for information on him. Yes I have been guilt of looking up his girlfriend’s Facebook, of checking all his businesses and rereading a couple of newspaper articles on him.  I am happy to inform that I haven’t done any of that in 2 weeks.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

“Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye.” 
― Samuel Johnson

Time: I need to let time work for me.  With each day I get stronger and his memory faint.  I also need to stop counting time.  There is no deadline or time limit for the grieving to be over.  But one thing is for sure time will pass and so will the pain and hurt.

“Because time does the job, dynamite can’t touch.” 
― John Steinbeck

Silence: I need to keep my silence and not let him engage me and my energy into texting, emailing, etc .  I don’t need to have the last word.  Silence is oftentimes the loudest!

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” 
― Lao Tzu

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” 
― Chaim Potok

One main issue for me is the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating.  When I got his text I considered for a moment meeting him and telling him everything I feel and what I need to hear from him.  And then I realized I have already done that.  There is nothing left unsaid on my part, and I don’t think he will ever acknowledge the cheating.  He has said sorry many times, but he says he is sorry for not taking care of the relationship and for not being the man I needed him to be.

“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.” 
― Paulo Coelho

If I let my 3 allies work for me and I diligently watch where I focus my energy and time, the truth will come out.  And the important thing is I know the truth and in the end it doesn’t matter.  I still believe he did me a favor.  I am better for the experience.  I am better for the pain!

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

You know what I find absolutely incredible and the most beautiful thing about me, and I thank God daily about it, is the fact that I may get angry, sad, and a host of other feelings but never at any moment I wish him bad. I wish him happiness.  I just don’t want to see it.

I am angry and I like it!

13 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am being forced to write this post.  Yes there is someone holding a gun to my head.  That someone is my conscience.

This blog has been a lifesaver.  I feel I owe my sanity to it.  Therefore I feel I cannot not share some feelings just because they show a side of me that I don’t like.    You are my friend and have been here through thick and thin, so you deserve to know how angry I am at this moment.  Anger is not me, and I don’t want to be seen as an angry person, but at this moment I am!

“The world needs more anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.” 
― Bede Jarrett

I don’t advocate anger, but I am welcoming anger at this point.  It feels liberating! It feels I am one step closer to being free.  This elusive freedom seems harder than I had fathomed!  Freedom from what you may ask? Freedom from thinking about Ex.

Here I go again talking about him.  He is a subject that should have been dead and buried a long time ago.  But anytime I seem to forget about him, something snaps me right back to the starting point.

I am here to tell you right now that anger can, at times, be a good thing.  It can open your eyes and be a healing force.  It can force someone to face a tough issue and snap someone into action.   It is strange to me to see anger in such a way, or perhaps it is just my positive self trying to be positive about something so negative.  I have to make this anger work for me.  This anger feels long overdue.  I had thought that I had been lucky enough to have never felt this angry towards my Ex.  I was proud of not having anger in my heart for him or anybody else.  I had periods of being mad, but nothing like what I have been feeling the last few days.  I realize we may jump around the grief process, but eventually we will get to all of them.  My grief as it turns out is not over!

What was the straw the broke the camel’s back?  A text with a picture!  Something snapped inside of me when I received this one text from Ex.  How dare he still text me after I had expressly asked for no contact and he agreed.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 
― Gloria Steinem

He sent me a text with a picture of him and the Kids. It is a long story but he had not seen his kids in a long time, so them all together is nothing shorter than a miracle.  The ex-wife is a nightmare and always tried to prevent the kids from having a relationship with the father.  He is a lousy partner but a great father and deserves to see the kids and the kids need to see him.

I know that some of you will say that he wanted to share his happiness with me.  Well, he is not allowed to anymore!  I have asked for no contact, no contact means not contact.  He is happy I know! I am happy for him.  But I don’t care to know about his life at this point.   I am angry over everything regarding Ex and I am angry over having kept the door open to him.  How could I have looked at everything he did so lightly?  How could I have continued to engage in communication with him?

Perhaps it was the caption on the picture that read: ‘”The whole family together again”, or perhaps that he wrote that the kids asked about me and sent their love.  Perhaps still, it was the assumption that who took the picture was the new girlfriend; well I am sure of it! So after being happy for him, I was mad.

There is one point where you need to stop being polite and just start watching out for yourself.  I am there!

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” 
― Aristotle

I am angry at myself for being angry and for still having all these bottled up feelings for him.   I feel that I should have been this angry 2 years ago.  I was going to ignore the text.  I let it marinated overnight, but by the next day at noon I had only grown angrier and even though my sister and my co-worker suggested that I either ignore it or just say that I was happy for him, I had to go and tell him exactly how I felt.  I told him how it hurts me to hear from him.  How I don’t want to be contacted again and don’t care to know about his life. I also mentioned how I thought the new girlfriend was a good replacement for me.  I am not proud of that text, but I don’t regret it either.

He and I cannot be friends, no matter how much time goes by.  We have no reason to be friends or have any communication (unlike couples that have children together).  So I am finally letting go of this illusion of being friends one day.  I don’t want to be friends with someone that has done what he has done to me, someone that continues to be clueless as to how much he hurt me and to the ramification of his actions, and someone that only thinks about himself.  To this day he has never acknowledged any wrongdoing, and continues to lie to people saying that I moved out to be closer to my job and that we are still friends. He created a lie and he believes in it.  I refuse to participate in that lie anymore.

He hasn’t replied to my text and I don’t expect or want a reply.  I said what I had to say and I don’t want to hear or talk about him anymore.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” 
― Maya Angelou

This anger allowed me to see things clearer.  It allowed me to look around and realize that I was still keeping him around in things.  So I burned the letter that he sent me, which, when I received it,  had made me happy and had felt like a good closure.  I burned some proof I had of his cheating – I know he cheated I don’t need to proof to anybody.  I deleted all the emails and the pictures.  I don’t know why I was keeping those things around, but it feels awesome to have those things gone.  I could have just thrown those things away, but there is nothing like burning them with white sage incense. It felt like a ritual of getting rid of the past and cleansing the path for the future.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” 
― Malcolm X

So, I am hoping this is the last chapter on the Ex story, but even as I write this I think of a never ending bad Halloween movie.

***

On a separate note, I went to my first Kabbalah class last night.  I really enjoyed it because it seems to validate what I already believe in.   The teacher talked about the need to stop being reactive.  I had always saw my reactive behavior and impulsiveness as being a good thing, as a sign that I was following my heart and my instincts, but of late I had started to question that and realize that one thing had nothing to do with the other. Yesterday it felt like a validation of my thoughts.

Perhaps I am already brainwashed :), but it appeared that the teacher was talking directly to me.  Everything fit me to a T, specially when it came to relationships.

I am eager to learn more and perhaps share things that I find useful.

***

I am going on a date tonight!!! After a long time with no dates I am meeting a handsome, smart and funny Englishman tonight.  We have spoken on the phone a few times but had not met before because of how busy I had been with my Mom and because of his travels.

Do I think he is the one?  Well, I don’t accept an invitation unless I see potential.  I don’t want to waste anybody’s time or my own.  I am choosing not to have huge expectations.  All I expect is a fun time with a potential friend.

I am excited about being out at a social setting, having a drink and flirting my ass off!!  Did I mention that he appears to have very kissable lips?  Well I don’t normally go kissing anyone on the first date, but it has been a long time and my lips have been lonely! Oh and his accent is both sexy and powerful… I am thinking I should have only one drink …

“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits. (January 11)” 
― Sarah Ban Breathnach

new hope in an envelope

03 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” 
― Paulo Coelho

As I opened my mailbox I see a familiar handwriting. I look at the post-mark and it reads September 30th.  I imagine this is the response to my text (see previous post) I ripped the envelope open and here it is in its entirety, a letter from Ex:

” September 28, 2013

Ana

I love you

I always have and always will.

For 2 1/2 years I was pretty good at loving you and holding the rest of my life together.

The last few months, I was not as good and I will never be able to make it up to you or explain how disappointed in myself that I am.

Currently, I have not yet pulled the rest of my life together and many things have worsened.

You are an exceptional and wonderful person and lady that deserves better than me and I realize how lucky and fortunate that I was to be in your life, even for just a few years.

I will always provide you with anything I can, just let me know if you need anything.”

As you may have guessed I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I want to believe that he loved me, to think that I have dreamed up what we had it is too much to take. This letter somehow validates my feelings.

“A true love story has no endings.” 
― M.F. Moonzajer

I am choosing to believe his words at this point, specially when he says I deserve better.  With him still in my heart, and I am guessing he will forever be there, I am moving on.

In 2 days I am flying to Brazil to be with my family for 10 days.  It will be good to get out of the NY air and all its memories even for a little bit.

Can I close this chapter for good?

Yes I can! And I dare believe in bigger blessings coming into my life! Ex was a blessing! He showed me love, he exposed me to new experiences.  I would not trade the time that we spent together for anything in the world.  I am a better person for having met him. Perhaps he is really showing me how much he loves me by letting me go.   I am ready to accept this new version of the story.

This letter doesn’t erase his betrayal at the end of our relationship, but somehow I feel it is already helping me heal.  Acceptance…oh sweet acceptance!

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

Stupid, pathetic, emotional, crazy and just plain lovable me still dealing with Ex issues!

30 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

I have been promising an update on Ex for awhile now, so it is about time I step up and do it.  It is not really an update about Ex, but about my feelings about Ex.  He, I am sure continues to do well, not ever having any issues with this break up. He was always fine, he got rid of me the same way he changes a shirt.  Without a second thought, without blinking an eye.

I am not sure if I should envy or feel sorry for people that are able to get rid of people that easy. He was able to erase 3 years like it never happened. Why am I making someone in my life so important when clearly I meant nothing?

I didn’t really want to write this update because I know I am going to look foolish. First, why after 2 years I am still struggling with feelings regarding Ex? I am better and smarter than that! Second, why did I contact him? Yep, I had never contacted him in the last 2 years, I have replied every now and then when he contacts me, but I never reached out first.  So, why now? The answer is stupidity, plain stupidity!

For a moment I thought about not writing anything about it.  But the reason why I started this blog in the first place was Ex, so if I am to leave my true feelings about this situation out of this blog I may as well stop writing it. If it is not the whole truth, what is then the point?

I go through patches of feeling high on life and not thinking about Ex at all, to phases of thinking of him every night when my head hits the pillow.

Through the summer we exchanged emails and texts regarding tickets to the US Open.  I felt good about the exchanges. I bought tickets, sent him the check and he sent me the tickets. We never met or talked on the phone.  I was happy that he never proposed meeting in person to exchange tickets/cash.  I felt this was a step towards in the right direction.  I thought to myself: perhaps one day we can be friends.

“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You…Be Free…Share.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So on the opening night at the US Open I saw him walk in and take his seat.  Even thought my seat was across the stadium I knew exactly where his seats were and my eyes couldn’t help going there every few seconds until the moment I saw him walking in with the girlfriend.

I had a friend with me and I pointed him out to her and said: I am going to text him and tell him I see him. She said do it, and I did.  All I texted was : “I see you”

He didn’t reply anything until later on when he wrote: “I wish I had seen you”.  By then I had already realized what a big mistake I had done, actually 2 seconds after sending it I wished I could have taken it back.

I didn’t reply.

The next morning he sent another text saying sorry for not having offered me a ride home and saying he hoped I had stayed dry (it had rained the night before).

Again I should have remained silent but I couldn’t help it and wrote: “I don’t think your girlfriend would be too happy sitting in the back and I am not a backseat kind of girl!”

He replied:” She knows of my love for you and would have” My thoughts when I read this was of how delusional he can be thinking that any girl would agree with  that scenario.

I just laughed it off.  I didn’t reply anything anymore.  I should not have started anything to begin with.

And life went on as usual until September 19 when he wrote:”I am sorry for the troubles between our 2 countries. I want you to know that I love you and I hope all is well”

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” 
― Steve Maraboli

For some reason that text hit a chord.  I have received texts and emails from email from him before where he will say I love you, but this one hit a nerve.  It made me feel all kids of feelings. I was sad and angry.  I have to be completely honest here and say that I still liked getting texts from him, I still like hearing that he loves me.  But, what is the point?  Does he even know what love is? If he ever loved me he wouldn’t have treated me the way he did. Why do I need still this fake closeness? But I decided not to react and let it go. Feeling that my silence was the best reply.

This text came as I was going to Boston for the wedding. I thought to myself: perfect, now I will be an emotional basket case at this wedding.  Funny enough I was not.  I was happy my friend was getting married and at no point I wanted to be the one walking down the aisle. I was shocked at my being completely unemotional about it.  There were no thoughts of Ex, of what could have been, nothing!

But for some reason after returning home, all I have been doing is think of him and miss him all over again.  Re-reading that text made me angrier and angrier at him, at myself, at the world.  How dare him stir those feelings up? Why do I still miss him when I know he is not good for me?  It seems he has some kind of radar.  As I am not even remembering he exits there comes a text from him and revives everything inside me.

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So the past few days I have been struggling and having the craziest of thoughts. Ready to hear it?  No, you are not ready, but I am going to tell you anyway.  I came very close to asking him if he wanted to go skiing together. Yes, how stir crazy is that?  I should be committed for letting such a thought enter my mind.  Thank God, there was a little voice inside of me with some common sense.

So a few days ago I texted him and asked him not to contact me ever again. Here is what I said: “Stop hurting me by mentioning the word love.  You don’t know the meaning of the word.  You don’t have any idea of my pain. I have accepted the reality long ago but that doesn’t lessen the pain.  Help me by forgetting I exist.  It should be easy for you. Do not contact me! I wish you happiness and success.”

I cringe when I read it now. I sound childish and stupid.  It is more like a love declaration then anything else.  But at the end of the day, it is honest and it was what I was feeling at the moment.  Impulsive Aries triumphs again. oh well…

Some people ask me, what does he want.  I think he wants to be my friend.  In his mind we are friends.  He wants his actions to be okay. He thinks he did nothing wrong and if I am his friend then that is a validation that he didn’t do anything wrong.

After my text he didn’t contact me again, as I knew he wouldn’t. So now on again to the process of recovery.  I am also motivated to make new memories.  I realize that some of my favorite memories are with him, so thinking of good things in my past involves thinking of him.  It is time for me to make new memories.   I am in a way looking to rewrite the past.

So the first new memory to be recreated will be Whistler, BC.  Skiing anyone?

The bottom line is: Two years have passed and I am back at the beginning! Sad realization! No conclusion, no great insight, just the need to take one step at a time and be good to myself.

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” 
― Steve Maraboli

A quick update on previous posts

31 Wednesday Jul 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts

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Life happens and then all of a sudden I realize that I have not posted anything in one week.  I don’t want you guys to forget about me and find another blog to read, plus I miss all the terrific comments.  I have learned and grown so much from my post and the responses to it! 🙂

What has been happening is work has gotten really busy and after I goofed on a couple of things I am making sure that I am dedicating my time at work to work (what a crazy idea! lol).  I also have stepped up my hip exercises, and have been working more on my mosaics.  But all of that is no excuse not to make time to something I love: blogging!

So here are updates relating to previous posts:

“Magic trick: to make people disappear, ask them to fulfill their promises.“
Mason Cooley 

 
On The disappearing Act  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/06/26/the-disappearing-act/

Since I could not let bygones be bygones I went straight to the point and asked Mr. Disappearing what happened.  He said that he is having medical and care issues with his mother, and he also added and I quote: “I felt you are still not over your last boyfriend. Dragging things and hopping maybe is going to turn better is not something i want to experience at this time..”

Fair enough!  Perhaps I should have not spend hours talking about Ex on that last date lol  oh well, I kinda knew the reason why he disappeared, but it is good to have a confirmation and not wonder anymore.

on the hip pain https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/my-hips-dont-lie-neither-does-my-back/

I continue to do physical therapy,  now once a week instead of twice.  It has gotten a lot better, but I am still not 100%.  What plagues my mind is the question: Will I ever be 100%?  I try to be positive and I know the reality that the answer to that question depends solely on me.  So I am doing my part!  I am following my exercises and stretches to a T.  I have also started using my elliptical machine again.  My aim is 30 minutes, but for now it is until my hip starts hurting which is after 15/20 minutes.  After the exercises and stretches, I am making sure I use a foam roller and I apply ice.

Slow and steady! Slow and steady!

Volunteering – https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/first-step-in-volunteering-and-going-back-to-dance/

Finally I am all set to start volunteering.  After, what I felt, it was a lot of red tape, I will start volunteering at a the Dementia/Alzheimer Unit in a nursing home starting this coming Monday.  I will do one evening a week and see how it goes.  On Friday I went for an orientation, then and now I am am experiencing a multitude of feelings, anxiety, excitement and nervousness about it.  I guess it is only normal to feel apprehensive about something new.  We shall see how it will go!

Milton https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com//?s=milton&search=Go

I continue to stop and chat with Milton.   This past weekend he said he took the subway to the Bronx and played cards with friends.  He won $27 dollars.  He said I brought him luck.  I am glad to see that he has friends he associates with.  Last week he wanted to get me a pink watch similar to the one he has.  I declined and said I have enough watches, which is true.  I am not sure what he meant by get.

****

The next 2 post will be update on Ex and Mosaics.  Ex’s absence in my life has played a huge role on where I am today.  I am getting more and more into my mosaics.  They still look like a child’s school project but I am so proud of them. Stay tuned…

The disappearing Act

26 Wednesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I haven’t had too many relationships.  2 major ones to be exact.  I had one relationship for 20 years that ended amicably (it is crazy, but we care for each like brother and sister now).  Then there is Ex, the 3 year relationship that devastated me.  Between those two there was some dating but not a lot, so I don’t consider myself knowledgeable in that area.  All of a sudden at 47 I am a teenager in the dating word, unsure of how to navigate all the unspoken rules.

“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and
try again in a different way.” 
― Dale Carnegie

I hear horror stories about online dating, so I think I have been luckier than most.  The guys I have been meeting have been nice guys, but normally it doesn’t go more than 1 date due to no interest on my part.

Then I met Dan (name changed to protect the guilty).   He had almost everything.  I say almost because he didn’t make me go weak in the knees.  He took me to great restaurants. There was no lack of interesting conversation.   He was such a gentleman and he was not pushy for anything physical.  I had explained that I needed things to go very slow and he said he understood and it was not a problem.  He is the one that, coincidentally, has a showroom just 3 blocks from my office (how perfect I thought!).  The potential for a happy life seemed incredible.  He made me feel special.  I thought to myself: Here is a man that gets me and wants to make me the center of his world. I want that!

“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.” 
― Wm. Paul Young

But still after 6 dates I was not feeling it in my heart but I was thinking that perhaps this is where I should let my mind do the talking. I wrote about this mind heart conflict here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/05/27/my-heart-wants-fireworks/

Dan seemed to do all the right things.  I felt special, and was starting to think “maybe”. I was ignoring my heart and letting my mind rule.

Then there was silence:  Dan disappeared!

This happened a couple of weeks ago.  He had texted me, as he normally did asking if I was around on the weekend and I had said yes.  This was a Thursday morning so I expected to hear from him that night to make plans for the weekend.    When Sunday came around and I hadn’t heard from him I was worried that something had happened to him so I texted him.   He texted me back on Monday and I quote: “Sorry for the lateness in replying, I needed some time to sort things out.”

Not knowing what that meant exactly I just replied wishing him luck on sorting things out.

After speaking to my sister about this, she said that perhaps there was something going on with his mom.  He had mentioned that perhaps his mother would have to move in with the brother because it was becoming difficult for her to be alone.  It never crossed my mind that perhaps there was something was wrong with her.   So to have a clear conscience I reached out to him again and said that I was here if he needed to talk and that I hoped that all was okay with his Mother.  I got no reply.

2 weeks go by and I am still confused and shocked by his silence.  Was he just going to disappear and never say a word if I had never had texted him that Sunday?  Is this normal behavior?

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was still thinking about him and his actions (or lack of it) for 2 reasons.  First I wonder if he really has some big problem going on in his life and second because he had bought tickets to take me to a show of a Brazilian singer tonight (June 26).  Was he going to all of a sudden appear to go to the concert? I was already mentally trying to decide, do I go or just say no?

So the day before yesterday the curious Aries in me couldn’t take it anymore so I texted him and asked how were things.  It took him a day to reply and he said: “ thank you for thinking of him and I am sorry I am not in a good place to communicate”.

Hum? What in the world does that mean?

I just hate stuff like that.  What is the problem with the truth?  I think I am owed that.  Why the mystery?

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I just replied wishing him luck and saying I was only worried because I didn’t take him for a man that would just disappear.

At any rate I am still curious to know what exactly happened but not curious enough to show up at his office and demand an explanation.

This, I think, serves as a validation that my heart knew better.  I should have known better than to let my mind start talking me into liking someone when my heart wasn’t in it.  I thank the Universe for giving me an answer to this conflict between my heart and my mind.

When things like this happen I think I should get on my knees and thank heavens  that my heart came out unscathed.  As stupid as it may sound, I feel stronger for it and I feel even closer to finding the One.  It does feel good eliminating the wrong ones (wrong for me) and leaving space for the right one.

… or perhaps I should just buy a safe for my heart and keep it in there and not chance it getting hurt again, this came too close for comfort.

“Hearts are breakable,” Isabelle said. “And I think even when you heal, you’re never what you were before”.” 
― Cassandra Clare

But I am still curious if this is a normal thing, to have great dates and then never hear from the person again?  oh well, the joys of the dating world!