Category Archives: Daily Life

In search of sweet decadence!!

05 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Food

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As some of you may know because of this post  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/05/19/bye-bye-chocolate-see-you-soon/—— I gave up chocolate for 1 year.

As the 1 year mark (November 4th) approaches, I am filled with dread and anticipation.  Well, it is mostly anticipation of all the chocolaty wonders I can reconnect with.

I have to be honest that I take turns being excited, anxious and nervous.  What am I going to do? Will I be able to eat chocolate moderately or will I turn back into the chocoholic that I was before?  I am frankly scared.

I often hear of people giving up smoking and drinking for a long period of time and then start back again.   I always think to myself: How stupid!  If you went that long without it then you clearly don’t need it! Why re-start an addiction?  And now I am contemplating doing exactly that!

Putting all the fears and reasons not to eat chocolate ever again aside, I am now in the counting the days and planning stage.  What will be my chocolate of choice to indulge in on November 4th?

I am thinking that it will be some kind of chocolate cake, homemade or bakery bought.

So please help me find the best, most indulgent and decadent mouth watering chocolate cake ever!  I am looking for either the recipe so I can make it or for the location where I can buy it!

Life is too short and it is totally unrealistic to think I will give up chocolate forever!!

30 days to go …

(as you all can my life is good, my main preoccupation is chocolate – lol)

What I have been up to lately …

28 Friday Sep 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I have been silent – here! In non-virtual life I still talk too much, volunteer and share too much! 🙂  I guess hurting over still loving Ex was providing me with the inspiration/motivation to write.  Once love turned to anger and now to plain nothingness the urge and need to write or I will explode is no longer here.

I still love the written word and wish to find the motivation from within and from daily life to continue blogging.

I lurk around some of my favorite blogs but can’t even seem to muster motivation to comment or even like, perhaps I have been trying to disappear?? At moments like this I wish I had a therapist on speed dial that I could call and ask!

Here is a quick update of my life:

Mom is in town visiting from Brazil, so my routine has been totally changed.  I am exercising less and eating more, which as everyone knows it is not a great combination!!   Mom believes that food is love, so rejecting her food is the same as rejecting her love.  As the good daughter that I am I just eat and say how good everything is!

We have already spent a weekend at Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods Casinos in CT.   We didn’t lose too much so that to me is winning!  We have already done more shopping than will fit in her luggage.  And somehow any time I take her shopping I end up buying more than she does.  A Broadway show and The Museum of Natural History will be next!

The Ex got wind that my mother is in town and has e-mailed me to take us out to dinner.  I have continued to remain silent and ignore it. Still it is annoying the fact that he thinks all is fine enough to go out and have dinner together! Clueless!

Work is work.  No challenges and mysteries any more.  Too predictable at times, it can be boring but there is some comfort in the same old same old.

I continue to do Pilates twice a week and still adore it, even though some times in the middle of an exercise I feel more like crying and giving up.  I continue to hit tennis balls against a wall and take lessons every now and then as weather and my instructor’s schedule permits.

I have not returned to Zumba, for now I do it at home.  I turn on youtube, put on my favorite short shorts and just dance like a wild woman in my living room.  I make sure to close the curtains as not to scare any of my neighbors.

My mosaic project is still in the middle and my French has also stalled.  Will go back to it, but lately not much into forcing myself to do anything I don’t want to! 🙂

I have been seeing a much younger man.  I don’t want to call it dating; in fact I am not sure what to call it.  Yes I know all that is wrong with it!   I am taking it one day at a time and trying not to think too much about it or make too many plans.  I like spending time with him and for now that is enough for me.  I am living the right now and allowing myself not to think of the future.  I know it will not last forever – nothing does!!

I may wake up tomorrow and decide that I want a commitment, but for now dinners out and movie nights are exactly what the doctor ordered.

My personal Wailing Wall

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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US Open Tennis is one of my favorite times of the year; but this year is different.  There are still too many memories there.  Memories can be such a double edged sword.  I feel blessed God gave me memory so I can look back and reflect how blessed I have been.  But reflecting on good times can be painful.  Are my memories correct?  Was I that happy? Was I that in love?  Was it all just an illusion?  Did I just dream everything up?

***

My personal Wailing wall

Every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes an evening during the week I go to a Middle School on the other side of my town to hit balls against a wall.  It is crazy that I haven’t been able to find a hitting partner, but I try not to dwell on that and be happy that at least I have this wall.

I found this wall right in the beginning of the break up.  It was a time when I was in unbelievable pain. I was feeling sorry and sad for myself.  It was a pain over the loss of Ex, the love, the house, the life I once knew.  I was lost and trying not to fall apart.  I was still trying to figure out how to reconstruct my life and was feeling like I would never feel whole again (truth be told I still wonder about that!)

Originally I felt this wall was a replacement for the backboard, tennis court and partner/instructor that I had. I felt blessed to have found a substitute.  But I realized this wall has became much more than that! This wall has become more than an inanimate object; it has become a friend and therapist.  It has become a constant source of support in my life – it is amazing the things that may sustain us in times of need.

This separation/break up seems like such an endless pain. It ebbs and flows.  When I think I am fully recovered it hits me again.    All of a sudden, a word, a picture, a smell, anything will trigger the memories and the feeling of pain and loss.  Lately anger has started to make an appearance too.

As a partner, the wall is the best because it returns every single ball!  As a therapist it listens and gives me the space and silence to figure out the answers myself.  As a friend it is always there for me whenever I need it without requiring anything back.

This wall is my own personal Wailing Wall.  I cry, I lament the loss of the relationship and all the perks that I had with the relationship.  I wine, I explain and rationalize.  I say everything I won’t dare say to anybody else.  After all, it has been 10 months; I should be over this already.  I don’t think anyone cares to hear anything else about it anymore.  Frankly I myself cannot stand to think of him and his name again.  It gets to a point that you realize that life doesn’t stop and wait for you to get over it.  I feel I should be embarrassed to be mentioning it again, when it should be just history and just a faint memory.

And yet, every time I am alone with my thoughts hitting balls against the wall I find myself going back to the same unanswered question:  What happened?

Things have gotten better over the months; I noticed the crying and lamenting slowing down and giving way to just happiness and newness.  The wall has now become my confidant and as such it is just the best. It welcomes everything I say with absolutely no judgment.

So this post is giving credit to another lifesaver, which along with blogging(bloggers), my sister and a few friends has pulled me up when I was down.

Our interaction goes something like this:

I get there and start hitting against it! I start thinking of the tennis court I used to have, and then I think of the lies and disrespect.  I get sad (and lately angry) and I start crying, then I realize that I cannot see the ball clearly through tears.  I tell myself that I need to snap out of it!  I realize that 2 minutes of crying is more than enough.  I wipe my tears away and concentrate on my hitting.  I start counting my blessings one by one! I have the feeling of gratitude fill me and my mood is completely restored.

I long for the day that I will have no memories of and about Ex.

Thank you Wall for what you have done and continue to do for me!

Why am I judging? … am I perfect?

15 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am a work in progress, and sometimes it feels like there is so much work to be done!!

Today I find myself being very judgmental! I am ashamed of that! Who am I do judge anyone? Who is anyone to judge anyone?

Of course I know better, but sometimes thoughts creep in even,  and before I know it I am forming opinions and judging based on those opinions.   The moment I catch myself doing that I admonish myself!

Case 1) I passed a beggar (I hate that word!) on the street.  He was a man probably in his early 40s, other than missing half of a leg he seemed to be in great health.  He is standing on the corner of 30th Street and Madison Avenue and he is shaking a paper cup that sounds like there are couple of coins in it!

I had noticed him approaching me and extending his cup.  The first thing I noticed about him was how young and health looking he appeared.  I would probably just walk on by, were not for the light turning red.

Standing there waiting for the light to turn green gave me a chance to have all sorts of thoughts and pass all kinds of judgment.

a)      I felt blessed for having both of my legs.

b)      I sympathized with him since my own father had to have his leg amputated due to a battle with cancer, which by the way he won!  Cancer took his leg, but not his life!

c)       But unfortunately I also judged him.  After watching Oscar Pistorius running on the Olympics without both legs why is this guy not working? Perhaps a better question is why am I comparing this man standing on a corner with an elite athlete?

I have to remind myself that each one of us are born with our own crosses to bear.  Some find strength in the difficulty, welcome the challenge and thrive. Other’s use their shortcomings as a crutch, an excuse to give up on life; while still other’s try their hardest but cannot overcome the cards they are dealt.

I reached in my purse and pulled some cash and gave to him, and by now the light having turned green I went on my way.  I am ashamed to say that I now realized that I never looked into his eyes and face.  I gave money to make myself feel better, but I never gave him the respect that he deserved as a fellow human being sharing this earth with me.  I thank God for giving me the wisdom to understand the wrong in my actions. I promise to do better next time, to be more thoughtful, more human!

Case 2) A friend needs my financial help.  It is not the first time and, sadly, it will not be his last.  I am going to help him, because this person is like a brother to me and if I had only 1 last dollar left I would share with him.  But I wish I could just help and not pass judgment.  I am helping but I felt the need to point out how I would have done things differently and had to have all kinds of questions on the way he is spending his money.  I fail to grasp that I have been blessed with a great job and haven’t had to endure the kind of employment problems he has had.

I should either help and let it go or just not help.  I know that!  And yet I can’t!

Case 3) Yesterday I am in the train at the end of the day when I get a call from work from a my assistant and from a couple of the brokers telling me that the internet is down and asking how to find and connect the wi-fi.  I see myself getting incensed.  First, I had made a point of telling my assistant where the wi-fi was and how to use it so that she would be ready if need be.  Second, they failed to contact our internet provider and to check our equipment in the server room, which should have been steps 1 and 2 before anything else.

And then I have to remember that we all can forget things.  I have to remind myself that I have caught myself forgetting about details that I should known better.  But my assistant is not perfect, and neither am I!

Case 4) Also in the train last night there was this woman speaking so loud.  Just so happen that she was Brazilian and I could understand everything she was saying.  She was badmouthing someone on the phone.  I was getting so aggravated by everything about her, her voice, what she was saying.  Why talk so loud? Is she clueless?  She is a couple of rows ahead to me so I cannot see her, just hear her.

Then I get up to exit and catch sight of her.  She was extremely obese and I think: instead of badmouthing someone so loudly on the phone she should be exercising!!

One would think that I am a soft spoken skinny girl.  Wrong on both counts!  I have to control my voice when excited about a topic or when angry.  The scale is not my friend, we have engaged in terrible battles!

Case 5) Of course I have to mention the Ex.  I long for the day that I will have no feelings about him.  I want him to be “just someone I knew”.  Lately I am mostly angry and judgmental when I think of him. How dare he do the things he did? Why continue to lie about it and behave as nothing happened?

I need to stop judging him and his actions.  Nothing will change the past. And I don’t even want to change anything.  I have learned a lot and I am much better off now.  Still my mind drifts to the past, outraged at his actions, his words, his lies.

What makes me want to be judge and jury some times?  Is that to forget about my own shortcomings?  Do I think I am superior, better than others? Do I do it innocently?

I guess all of the above.  I am trying to learn more about me and the world around me.  The more I learn the more I realize there is so much more to learn and so much more for me to do in the quest to a better self.

Still I am being positive and thinking that coming to the realization that I can be too judgmental at times is a huge step in the right direction.  I cannot control the thoughts that come into my mind, but I can control my actions as a result of those thoughts!

Everything Olympics, Atlanta, Kenny Chesney… A week in my life

11 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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It feels like ages since I have written anything.  I feel like I am neglecting a best friend.  Truth is I have been paying too much attention to the Olympics, but since it happens only once every 4 years I think my neglect should not only be understandable, but acceptable.

So I will give you a brief summary of what I have been up to:

Last weekend I went to Atlanta to see my friend from here http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/29/first-e-harmony-date/  and here http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/06/12/june-12-dia-dos-namorados/

I had a lot fun.  No, there is still not love connection, as I knew it wouldn’t be.  I made sure he knew I was going as a friend.  He understood and behaved accordingly, as I knew he would, otherwise I wouldn’t have made the trip.

While there I went to Coca-Cola World. It was fun trying out all the different types of soda from all over the world and trying to find the Brazilian memorabilia among so many.  I enjoyed taking a picture with the Polar Bear – yes I act according to my surroundings, so taking a picture with Polar Bear was a must.  Still think they should come up with a name for him!

My friend is getting his pilot’s license, so we went flying on a small one engine 4-seater. Never again if I can help it! I found out that even though I love flying, small planes are not for me. It was windy and I got dizzy and nauseous and couldn’t wait to be on firm ground.

This week there was a lot of the same with Olympics watching, work, Tennis, Zumba and Pilates.

I have tickets for today’s Brothers of the Sun Tour with Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw, and for a second was extremely excited that my long distance friend would just drop everything, jump on a plane and go with me. I tried to sweeten the pot with a Broadway show, but reality won and he didn’t come!

So I right now I am scrambling to find somebody to go with me, sell or give them away. Craigslist is looking more and more attractive.  I definitely don’t want to go alone. I went to see Kanye West alone and had a lot fun, but don’t want to go alone to this one.

I am looking forward to the Olympics this weekend. I can’t wait to watch the final of the Women’s Indoor Volleyball match. It is a repeat of last Olympics, where Brazil came out on top.  May the best team win!!  As a dual citizen I am happy with either team winning, but the US has so many medals already that I can’t help but secretly wish Brazil to win! I am also looking forward to the Men’s soccer final Brazil vs Mexico.

Also looking forward to the closing ceremony as Brazil will receive the torch!  I can’t wait for Olympics 2016 in Brazil!

02 Thursday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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My other blog was feeling a bit neglected, so here is a new post! 🙂

A Star on the Forehead's avatarMy Life in Lists

The past several months have been emotionally tumultuous for me.  After almost 3 years living with Ex, he asked me to move out when I confronted him with my suspicions of his extracurricular activities.  I was in shock!  There were no conversations about trying to work things out.   There was nothing!  He didn’t want to talk about it and kept saying that he needed to be alone to concentrate on his businesses.

I was devastated and wondering what had just happened!  For months I searched for answers, for reasons.  I never got one.   As the months passes life is getting better.  My heart still has moments of hurt.  My mind still has moments of questions.  My soul still has moments of emptiness.  But all of those moments are few and far between, and I am sure they will soon be inexistent.  For the most part, I am thriving!  I have been…

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Is sugar my new Ex? Am I looking for love in desserts?

21 Saturday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

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The 101st post should symbolize the beginning of a new and better chapter. But as someone once said: “the more things change the more they remain the same”.

All of a sudden it seems I am back to trying to forget a love, a love so deep that it seems more like a need, like water and air.  It seems life won’t be the same without it.  At least not as sweet.

I haven’t really realized the dis-functionality of my relationship with sugar until recently.  I have always known I have a sweet tooth, but lately it is out of control.  I am sitting in the train on the way home from work and I just inhaled a lemon square bar before the train even leaves the station. And that is after having a cupcake at work.  No, not any little cupcake, Crumbs cupcake, which is probably 1,000 calories each!

Did I need that?  Was I hungry? Do I really love lemon squares? No, no and no!   I didn’t need it and I was not hungry.  I wouldn’t give a lemon square a second look were not for the fact that I quit chocolate months ago.  Since giving up chocolate I have learned to eat sweets I have never touched before, such as gummy bears and peanut butter. All of a sudden I don’t discriminate, all sugars are welcome.  I am not proud of that! I know very well that I am replacing one addiction with another.

How do I feel now? Certainly not happy!  The happy feeling disappeared almost as immediately as the lemon square did. I feel lousy and nauseous! I think it is high time that I face the fact that I am addicted to sugar!

Hi, My name is A. and I am a sugar addict!

I knew I was addicted to chocolate and one day last year, well on November 4th 2011 to be exact (http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/19/bye-bye-chocolate-see-you-soon/) I promised myself to stop eating chocolate for one year.  I am happy and proud to say that I haven’t broke that promise. I have not touched any kind of chocolate in any way, shape or form.

That makes it clear that I have some will power – chocolate is absolutely my favorite food in the world.  Quitting sugar, however, even if only for a day, is not that simple.  Sugar is a too broad a category to quit.

The past 8 months without chocolate hasn’t been that easy, but it hasn’t been that terrible either, except for this week.  This week all I think about from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed is chocolate and sweets. Some of my friends asked me if I am about to get my period.  No, I am not! I cannot use that excuse! Then another very smart friend said: you are missing F (F is for friend, the new friend that populates my imagination and heart.  The friend that tucks me in bed every night with his voice).  I think she has a point!

I haven’t been able to talk to my friend every night and I miss him. I miss the joy that his voice brings me.  I have been suffering best friend withdrawal.

Gosh, what does that say about me? My need to always have comfort and joy. Am I a needy hedonist? Am I trying to silence some emotional need with sugar and people?

I had promised myself that next time I had a huge craving for sugar I would stop and take a few deep breaths, say a prayer, meditate, anything that would make me stop and think.  Did I do that? NO.  I didn’t think of it. There appears to be no time between the want and the action.

Well, if it is any consolation I am happy I didn’t eat the other lemon square.  Yes, I bought two!!  I am also happy that, unlike in the past,  I am not considering that the day is over and now making a mental list of what else bad I can eat.  Yes I am going to give myself credit for that.  I am going to be nice and forgive myself whenever I can, that is my new attitude.

I also don’t want to think of food as bad and good, that will just make me crave the forbidden ones. I don’t want to make sugar the bad guy.  I like sugar too much for that!

Now I crave salt, perhaps to counter balance the sweetness of the lemon square. I am sitting next to a huge guy, eating a huge bag of popcorn, the smell is killing me.  I am dying for some. I want to just snag the bag from him.  He is clearly on the way to eating the whole bag and he certainly doesn’t need to eat the whole bag, he can barely fit in the seat.  Stop! Stop! Stop judging people, I tell myself! You don’t know what his issues are.  Focus on your own issues and let others be!

After I scold myself, I let go of the thoughts of popcorn and try to focus on  the whys of my sugar needs.

Perhaps I can blame my sugar obsession on my parents.  Every time my sister and I cried we had a pacifier coated with sugar placed into our mouths. So, the association of sugar and love goes way back.  But I am choosing a life of no blame, more acceptance and gratitude. My parents did the best they could with the tools they had. I owe my parents respect and gratitude, and I treat them as best as I can. Plus I am not a baby anymore, I am in charge of what goes into my mouth.

Following that same thought, it is not my friend’s absence’s fault either. After all, my friend is in my heart and mind and with me the whole time. Anytime I miss him all I have to do is close my eyes and I can hear him saying my name.

I think that the main problem is not wanting to let go of something that makes me feel good and has been bringing me comfort and joy forever.  Sugar is part of every celebration.  I turn to sugar when I am happy or sad, anxious or calm, run down or full of energy. Sugar is the best friend that is always there!

I don’t want to be enemies with sugar. I want to be friends with it and be able to have it any time I want it, but in small quantities. Is sugar my new ex-boyfriend? It is being bad to me and I am still holding on to it.  The relationship is not longer working and yet I keep looking the other way.  Can I be friends with sugar or, similar to Ex, I have to just cut it from my life until I am strong enough to deal with it in a healthy manner?

I cannot imagine a sugarless life! I don’t want to imagine it! And don’t even mention getting my sugar from fruit!  When I want sugar I can eat a ton of fruit and I still want candy, cakes, ice cream.

The crux of the matter perhaps is some deep emotional issue.  Am I trying to hide some pain? Am I trying to fill some need?  It is scary to think that I may have some deep emotional issue that I am not aware of.

But perhaps the issue is nothing deep or emotional, perhaps it is just some chemical imbalance.  There are too many variables.  I know I have to do some thing, but not sure what  and I don’t plan on going crazy and fanatical about it.  Going crazy about it is the easiest way to have it backfire and make me crave sugar even more.

I am glad that I have already scheduled a complete physical on Tuesday.  I am looking forward to making sure that the levels of my cholesterol, triglycerides, and all other tests they will perform are normal.   I plan on learning more about nutrition, perhaps even visit a nutritionist.  I also need to get back to keeping a food journal.  I just need to stop planning and talking about and just do it!

The time is now!

I am always positive and optimistic.  I am happy that I have come to the realization that an action is necessary.  After all recognizing there is a problem is the first step.  To me writing about is the second, and hopefully action is the third!

I would appreciate hearing from anyone that has or had to deal with a sugar addiction, or any kind of addiction for that matter.  Perhaps with everyone’s input I can come up with a list of tips on handling cravings.

Now, once I have the sugar thing nipped in the bud, I am moving on to bread and butter  …

But on a second thought, I never smoked or did drugs, rarely drink or gamble, enjoy sex as much as the next person, do I really need to give up sugar?

In looking back I move forward …

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness.  So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control.  That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week.  So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.

(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)

October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.

November 2011.  I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!

December 2011.  We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.

January 2012.   I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him.  I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.

February 2012.  I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable.  I count the hours til I am going to see him next.  He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing.  I continue to lie to myself.  He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.

March 2012.  I start this blog.  I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.

April 2012.  He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time.  For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out).  I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.

May and June 2012.  I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength.  Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips.  I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.

July 10th 2012.  He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined.  I decide that I need to stop this insanity.  Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again.  I have to cut all contact.  I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form.  He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.

He didn’t try very hard…

July 13, 2012.  He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work)  has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.

I get so angry when I read that.  Tears start rolling down my face.  This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face.  I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not.  Very weird, but very fitting I believe.   This pain is also different.

This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past.  This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing.  This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.

After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.

I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again.  I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point.   I am not even curious about what he learned.   It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.

Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying.  At peace with being alone. At peace with life.  At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.

I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes.  I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave.  I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love.  I still pray for his well-being.  I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.

New Friend/New love.  I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone.  It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me.  When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word.  And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will.  This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow.  So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.

Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.

I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story.  I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs.  Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.

Current Life. I love my new small apartment.  It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do.  I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.

My Projects.

– Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.

– Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!

–Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body.  It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.

–French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!

–Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.

–Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled.  I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.

–Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.

***

Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!

I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come.  I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.

Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.

I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.

I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship.  I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship.  I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue.  There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will  be able to see things clearly.

In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.

So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page.  I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh.  You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.

I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad.  I welcome all and try to learn all that I can.  I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may.  I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can.  As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me.  I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able.  Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.

****

(all images from google images)

 

We can be brighter than the sun!

12 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Poetry

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

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Because I am duality personified: One day I cry over a lost love, the next I smile dreaming and welcoming a new one.  Because fear of getting hurt again doesn’t scare me!

So, this is to you, brand new, dare I say it? yes I dare, LOVE!

Because I dare to dream I dare to want you

I dare to want you because I dare to dream

In this sacred space that is called heart

I have made room for you, and yet it is not a prison – you can always get out

But if you choose to leave some remnants of what never was will always be

Because the dark crying days makes me want you more

The magic of what it is to come is too tempting to pass up

I wished I had waited for you and be yours to discover for the first time

I hoped and pursued, and in each failed one I hoped for you

But your arrival is still doubtful, your fears are consuming, almost paralyzing

And in the pieces of my broken heart I see the future even more bright

I am in love with the now, with all the promises that it holds

Nothing better than to wonder when we will meet, to dream about the details

Who needs reality? All my dreams awake and asleep are you

Will you be as hungry for me as I am for you?

Turning my bedroom into a battle zone, messing up my hair and my mind in the end

I want all that intimacy again, but I want more and I want better

I want to be taken and savored and fall sleep exhausted in your arms

In the meantime I wait, for you to come and take what is yours

And yet there is no pressure, nothing will change, because in all this I am just being me

Simply loving, without fully knowing, completely giving without reservations

Taking huge leaps of faiths, willing to fall and get hurt again

My mind tries, but the heart is always in control, so there is no choice but to offer myself completely

**

Because sometimes a song illustrates so well what I want to say.  This song is for you because I think our love can be brighter than the sun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KU5o6M7S5nQ

“Brighter Than The Sun” – Colbie Caillat

Stop me on the corner
I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go with it
Don’t you blink you might miss it
See we got a right to just love it or leave it
You find it and keep it
Cause it ain’t every day you get the chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

I’ve never seen it, I found this love, I’m gonna feed it
You better believe, I’m gonna treat it better than anything I’ve ever had
Cause you’re so damn beautiful
Read it, it’s signed and delivered let’s seal it
Boy we go together like peanuts and paydays and Marley and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Everything is like a white out, cause we shika-shika a shine down
Even when the, when the light’s out but I can see you glow
Got my head up in the rafters, got me happy ever after
Never felt this way before, ain’t felt this way before

I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go?

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun

09 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 2 Comments

I wanted to reblog this for so many reasons. Each time I read another light goes on. Frank is the male version of me. He believes in God and prayer and is seeking to make his life and of those around him better. He wants love in his life but will not settle for cheap imitations.
Where we differ is that I am still too stubborn and set on my ways to seek outside help to deal with problems. But who knows, I keep an open mind…
This post clearly shows the benefits of professional help in his life. He has been in recovery for over 13 years… and excelling beautifully!
I hope by reblogging this perhaps it will reach someone that at this moment in time needs that extra push to seek help. Often God sends us angels (in many different forms) to help us when the load is too heavy, but sometimes, instead, he wants us to seek our own angels!
Bravo Frank!!

frankoshanko's avatarfrankoshanko

One of the most influential people in my life is my psychotherapist.  We’ll call her Angelica, because of her always honest, insightful and consistent aid in my journey.  My wish is that everyone could have someone like her in their life.  She delivers a face and voice of God to me.

Angelica has guided me through thirteen and a half years of recovery, so the changes she’s encouraged are significant.  These changes are directly related to the degree to which I have willingness to try new ways, honesty to see my failings, and open-mindedness to grasp where I’ve suffered from rigid thinking.  These are cornerstones for positive changes in life.

Physical health is interrelated with spiritual and emotional health, so I’ve spent a lot of time on exercise.  Exercise feeds my mind oxygen and endorphins.  It helps my confidence and opens many doors of opportunity.  A healthy body allows me to do many things that some people…

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