Category Archives: Daily Life

… letting my heart be my guide…

19 Tuesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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To the one that moves me:

Yesterday I didn’t know you existed.  Today I would miss you if you were gone!  I would miss your words, your voice and your laughter.  I would miss what you do to my mind, heart and body. I would miss the possibilities and the anticipation.

And yet our bodies never touched.

Your words slowly moved in. With each word I saw you, with each word I knew you.  My heart and my mind began slow dancing to “what ifs”.

You have all the things I appreciate in a man: you see the humor in life, you have a honest heart, you have been hurt in your past,  you are happy in your present, and you have hope for your future.  You take being a father seriously and you are a grateful son!

You took the first step and my heart sang the beginning notes of a love affair! I welcomed you with open arms.

While I throw caution to the wind and jump in head first (not taking time to check if this is perhaps another shallow pool), you are afraid of getting wet.

You are conflicted.  You wrestle with thoughts such as: Too soon?  Too fast?  Too far? You fear getting hurt again.  We both have been hurt before, more times than we care to count.  You contemplate not trying again. To me not trying is a sin!

I cannot deny that it is indeed too soon, it is too fast and it is too far.  But who gets to decide when the time is right, at what pace to go and what is the correct distance?    I don’t know what this is either.  I just know it feels too good to not try!

I cannot say it is going to work, I cannot say it will last. But not matter if it is a day or a year I plan on showing 100% and giving my all. If my heart gets broken again, so be it! I am not afraid! Never was, never will be!  I don’t know how to pace myself; I don’t know how to lower the speed.  Perhaps time to learn and change? I can’t!  I don’t know how! I don’t want to! I rather live and die being me! Showing up in full and hurting completely!

I see beauty and opportunity in the different, the unexpected, the not so safe, and the not so sure.  I enjoy proving people wrong or getting hurt in the process.  My ego wears armor.   I enjoy honoring my feelings.  I enjoy love affairs with the unlovable!  What is the virtue in loving the easy, pretty, safe right across the street?

I don’t want safe and proper! I want to take chances.  I don’t regret failing, I regret not trying!

You gave my mind flight, you gave my heart fancy, and you give my body feelings that still linger in the next morning.

What if this is all it is? What if there is not forever? What if this never gets out of the gate, what if never leaves the starting line? Still I would think it was all worth, for you pulled me out of the dead calm, out of the pained soul, out of just being and brought me back to life.  Out of arid land you made me flourish once again. You were necessary to me; you were a wakeup call! You repaired my heart, you melted my soul, and you made my juices flow. So take a moment now and take a bow!

I plan on no holds barred fun. I plan on being the ride of your life!

For the duration I plan on showing up in full, bare body and soul.  I promise complete honesty, even if it hurts.   I plan on transparency.  I plan on placing my heart in your hands!

BUT,

Ignore all I wrote up to now! I didn’t come here to try to make up your mind! I didn’t come here to plead my case!

Don’t worry about hurting me. I realize that I am the only that can do that.  I am stronger and taking full control and responsability for my feelings and how I react to other’s role in my life.

I am here to say that whatever you do, whatever you choose you have my blessing.  If you follow your heart or your mind, that is completely up to you.  As a friend I am supporting whatever path you take!

What is important is that you look in the mirror and is proud of the person you see! What is important is that you make a choice based on your convictions and your God.

At the end of the day you have to make sure that you honored your feelings and that you were true to yourself!

Just don’t be afraid of living! Because that would be a real shame!

… And if we never meet I plan on treasuring all the images and possibilities my mind created and move on feeling better than ever before!

The Burial

18 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is about my final (I hope) meeting with Ex. I know in my heart that I will eventually be friends with him, but for now I just need and want distance and peace!

Before the meeting:

I am anxious and scared! Am I scared that I will end up in bed with him like every meeting before? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I am scared that I will get emotional looking at him and thinking about what we had.

I am scared that  I will bombard him with questions about things that no longer matter, such as the new girl in his life. It doesn’t really matter if the new girl is tall or short, young or old.   What is the point of wanting to know those details?

I don’t want to list all he has done wrong.    He knows what he did! And having him, once again not acknowledging my pain and his role in it it will just hurt me further.  (and yet I know that I am responsible for my feelings and reactions and that he cannot cause me pain if I don’t let him)

One thing is for sure, it does feels amazing though to be over him!  It feels powerful to not care what he thinks of me anymore.  It feels incredible that he doesn’t hold my heart in his hands anymore!

So today there are no preparations for his arrival.  There is no hair done, nails, waxing.  There is no incense burning, there is not special dress or lingerie.

I can’t wait until this is over.  This is similar to the feeling I feel right before I need to go in for another dental surgery.  I am sitting in the waiting room listening to the sound of the drill coming from another room knowing that I am next. Feeling the pain before the pain.

***

After

I am an emotional wreck! Amazing that I am here writing, but thanks to divine intervention I didn’t curl up and die, I washed my face and snapped out of it!

The moment that I closed the door on him leaving, the moment that I closed the door to my past, the phone beeps.  It is a friend texting and in a way it is future calling.  It is God telling me to look forward and stop looking back!  And I hear it loud and clear.

But let me back up and give you a summary of the evening.

I met Ex in the front of my building and he hugged me hello.  It was awkward and I felt absolutely nothing!  I thought I would cringe at his touch, but I didn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel like staying in his arms.  I am grateful that he didn’t go for a kiss hello.

We went to one of the Mexican Restaurants in the neighborhood.

I am already crying.  I am  crying from the second I saw him! I am one of those people that cry at any funeral, even if I don’t know the deceased. And in a way this is a funeral. I am attending the funeral of a fairy tale that has died a long time ago but it never got a proper burial until today.

We sit at the restaurant and I realize that I don’t know how to act. I can’t speak, I stutter.  I play with the napkin and utensils.  I am grateful he sat next to me and not accross from me so that I don’t have to look at him.

But love is a beautiful thing! I still think about his feelings, and I don’t feel like hurting him, and I know that my silence would. So, summing up a strength that I didn’t think I had, I start talking like I would talk to a friend. I tell him about my tennis lessons and my Pilates sessions.  He tells me about his businesses and volunteer work.  We manage to get through dinner and even have a few laughs.

We walk to my place because we have to finalize some paperwork, after all that is the reason he came here in the first place.  In 30 minutes we are done with the paperwork. But of course it would be too simple if that was the end of it!

He makes the mistake of inviting me to a couple of big events that are coming up that we used to attend together, and also another one that is an once in a lifetime thing that I have been dying to attend.  And that is when I can no longer hold it in.

I let it all flow, tears and words. I say all that I have inside. I talk about the hurt, the betrayal, I talk about the things I know for a fact he did, I talk about my disbelief that  he would throw a beautiful story away.

Everything that I didn’t want to ask about, I ask. Everything I didn’t want to mention, I do.

Through it all he remains mostly quiet, speaking up a few times to defend himself and to say that he didn’t know where I was getting my information from.  He mentions loving more than I would ever know. He once again says that timing for us is not right, he has to focus on his business and children.  He says he is not really dating, but seeing the girl once in awhile and spending most of his time alone, as if that somehow is supposed to makes things ok, as if that makes any sense.

I tell him not to invite me to anything and stop pretending that we are still a couple. I tell him to stop playing with my feelings and hurting me.

I was not planning on falling apart, but we all know that things don’t normally go according to plan. I don’t regret anything I said.  I also know that he didn’t really hear all I said.  He is not ready to hear and understand and acknowledge what he has done.

At the end he cried also, but I cannot tell you if there was any truth in those tears.  I would like to believe that he did have feelings for me and that he also mourns the end of our story. But I just don’t know. And I am happy to say I don’t care!

At one point he hugged me and kissed me on top of my head.  And I let him.  We stayed like that for a couple of minutes.  And then it was done.  I was ready to bury the pain, the hurt, the love, the good times, everything.

He says good night, I silently close the door! I am still crying, not from missing him or seeing him leave.  I am crying from exhaustion, from hurt, from anger, from love. My whole body aches. I think that is the feeling a marathon runner feels at the end of a race:  happy exhaustion!

At this point I am standing against the door that I just closed, unable to move. My phone beeps. It is text from a friend asking how I am. That is the beauty of life, the realization that I didn’t need to stay in that pain.  The beautiful feeling of having someone care and wonder how I was feeling.

His text and subsequent phone call were a sign from God.  His voice comes through the phone and into my ears as a hand passing over my hurt and slowly removing the dark pain.  Hearing his voice soothes me.  Hearing his voice brings me back to reality and out of the “poor me” state I was ready to drown myself in.

I realized that this perfectly timed text and phone call was God working in His mysterious way.   This person unknowingly provided me with the bridge from my past to my future.

I have learned what I needed to learn and I grateful for Ex for everything he has taught me – good and bad.  I am better than before I met him and for that I am thankful.  I am also thankful for him for helping me become the person I am today.

I have put the love and care that I have for him in a special place. I worry about him and pray that he finds contentment.

So now the past is buried and I am eager for my future, alone or with someone special.  I know God has a plan, so I have no need to worry or have any doubts.  I have always known that no matter what I am always going to be ok! And that knowledge is priceless!

Now as far as my heart goes, you can just call it Timex!

***

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nicklachey/icanthateyouanymore.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UbWTBoh7G4

Thank you for reading and supporting me and sending me your love!

When is a drink invitation just an invitation for a drink?

15 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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I think I am probably the world’s most naive 46 year old woman around!

So, when is a drink just a drink?

ok, let me explain:

I played tennis with an older gentleman for the first time a couple of weeks ago.  At the end of the day when he is walking me to my car, he turns and says: “Would you like to grab a drink sometime?”, or something like that.

I said: “Sure” (in an effort to get out of the house more often, that is of late my answer to any invitation – yeah, yeah, I know that standard answer is bound to get me into trouble)

So, that is how I ended up going out for a drink with him last night.

I was debating with myself the whole time leading up to last night  if there was a chance he thought this was more than a drink.  Well he is a man and I am a woman, so I guess in the realm of possibilities this is not a too far-fetched thought.

This gentleman, I will call him S., as I found out last night will turn 60 at the end of the year.  14 years older than me, I actually thought was much more than that! It is not even the age, it is just that there is not an iota, an ounce, a particle, an inkling of anything in my body and mind that gets excited by the idea of having anything romantic with him.

We went to a Puerto Rican Restaurant/club.  He had one of his employees and close friend stop by and join us.  The friend turns out is 42 years old good looking and charming (didn’t do anything for me either). I thought, relieved, that perhaps S. was not thinking anything more than a drink and was really even trying to set me up with this guy.

The food, drink and music was great. My one drink was a caipirinha.  The conversation was fun and we even danced Salsa.

There was one exchange on the dance floor that irked me:

ME: I haven’t danced in a long time

HIM: It is just like sex, once …

I cut him off and said: oh you mean just like riding a bike!

and I turned and looked away to stop that line of conversation right then and there.

And in all honesty what he said only annoyed me because I was already worried that that was what he had in mind.

We stayed for a few hours and then he drives me home.  My mind is working overtime now trying to come up with the best exit strategy without giving him a chance to try anything.  He stops the car in front of my building and removes his seat-belt, oh no, I am thinking, is he going to walk me to my front door? No, he just removed it so he could pounce on me and try to kiss me.  Well, he didn’t really pounce but I did feel like a prey.

He tries to kiss me on the mouth and I, pretending I didn’t realize that, turned my cheek quickly, while opening the car door, jumping out and saying good night. Last thing I heard was him saying: I will call you.

If there was an “open the car door, say good night, thank him for the evening while avoiding a kiss on the mouth and getting out of the car” speed event at the Olympics,  last night I would have taken home the Gold medal!

I guess the lesson here is, if a man invites me for a drink and I am not interested in getting romantically involved with him I should just say no!

 

 

 

 

the stepchild

15 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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so I just posted something on my other blog that I keep neglecting

http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/

WANTED MAN!

14 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Fiction, Poetry

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You are a wanted man!

How does it feel?

Is this just a flash in the pan?

Or is it real?

 

Your arrival was sudden

No announcement

No fanfare

You became a “what if”

Are you feeling what I am feeling?

 

You take a chance and make the first move

I take it from there and lead you straight into my all

I think you didn’t expect, yet you welcomed

 

You are a wanted man!

I want you and I am not shy

Take it easy, use you head

Those will be the warnings that we will hear

 

Do we dare to go ahead and defy all odds?

Or do we step back and use reason?

 

I want to have yesterday all over again

I want to have yesterday every day

You tongue, your fingers, your words

your body knew how to dance to my music

 

You are a wanted man

Not only in my dreams but in my bed

 

But remember I am a tall order

I want it all

I want soft and firm all in the right places

At all the right times

I want my knees to go weak and you to keep me from falling

 

I want simple and complicated

I want easy and difficult

I want tender and aggressive

I want you to decipher me

 

I want to be your challenge, your adventure, your passion, your nectar in the morning, noon and night

 

I want an honest touch from an honest man

I now know you exist, I didn’t just dream you up

I felt you pulsating, I felt your firmness

 

I wondered if you would be here in the morning

Signs of you are still here

The moist, the throbbing, it is all you

The wanting is still here

 

I want simple as a walk in the park

Yet you don’t walk you run

And your park is 3,000 miles away …

After the Hurricane

13 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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He was a hurricane!

I was going to call him a tsunami, but I dont want to give him too much credit either!

He leaves destruction in his wake.  After him nothing is the same.

How does a hurricane happen? Did I miss the warnings?  Did I think that it was just a little wind? No matter!  All of a sudden it sweeps you up and before you know you are in the middle of it holding on for dear life.

Hurricanes shake you up, often leaving one homeless, powerless, pet-less, faithless.  But the good thing with destruction, if there can be said that there is a good thing, is that  after destruction one gets to rebuild life. After a tragedy one is not the same and cannot stay in the same place.  Among the ashes, among the crumbles, one gets to discover what he/she is really made of.

You end up losing a life you knew.  You lose the you that you thought you were!  There is the before and the after the hurricane.  There is nothing you can do to change “before the hurricane” but “after the hurricane” is yours to mold any way you see fit.

You get to make choices: Where to build, how strong to build, do you want a fence, what color to paint, you get to hurricane proof your house and you any way you wish.  You get to reinvent yourself!

Sure you wish the hurricane had never happened, but you have to learn to accept certain things as acts of Gods, acts of nature or perhaps just life lessons and learning experiences that happen for a reason perhaps later revealed when you are wiser and ready to see it and accept it.

You also have to accept your role in it! Did I do anything to contribute to this?  Was I behaving in a way that made it easier to attract a hurricane?  Did I encourage the hurricane? Could I have in anyway avoided it? Had I become so weak that a simple wind had effect of a hurricane? Only by looking for and accepting my role in the situation will I be able to make sure that the events and patterns do not keep repeating themselves.

The calm after the hurricane is invisible, it is silent, it is scary.  Did I survive it? Did it really end it? Then there is despair and what you make of it! From the depth of despair you find hope and compassion. From the depth of despair you find beauty and freedom.  From the depth of despair you find you!

You have forgiven the hurricane! You have even thanked him for the lessons he taught you! You move on!

If anything you can just pat yourself in the back, beat on your chest and say: I survived a hurricane!

Well, perhaps my t-shirt is not ready to say: “I survived a hurricane!” Perhaps it can only say: “Finding ways to rebuild!”

June 12 – Dia dos Namorados!

12 Tuesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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Dia dos Namorados is a sort of Valentine’s Day in Brazil. Lover’s Day, literally translated as Boyfriend/Girlfriend’s Day. It is celebrated by all couples married or otherwise.

Even after living in the US for so long I still like to celebrate it. If I am in a relationship it is an extra excuse for an extra nice date (not that excuses should be necessary)

If I am not in a relationship then that it just another occasion to be reminded that I am partner-less in a world that seems geared to couples.

Please wait, continue reading, this is not going to be a pity party, poor me blog!

After such a dark painful day yesterday, today seems bright and full of possibilities!(I am in love with that word after reading Frank’s post called “Opportunities Abound!”- a small post in length, but huge in meaning! http://frankoshanko.wordpress.com/ )

Remember my First and Only e-Harmony date?  Remember how I said he couldn’t be more of a gentleman?  Well, well, he really impressed me now.

I am sitting at my desk when in walks the UPS delivery guy with a box from 1-800-Flowers.  I am so used to not getting flowers, that I would not sign until I checked the name on the package.  I thought it was for the office next door.  I was shocked to read my name.

Did I think it was from Ex? for a brief milisecond. But it could never be him. He never sent  me flowers at work and he doesn’t think that he did anything wrong that perhaps would warrant flowers. He also wouldn’t remember the date. (Plus, remember that on February 14 he made a point of telling me that he was not going to even give me a card because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message)

Did I think it was the e-Harmony date?  no, not in a million years no. After all, he doesn’t have my address. Well, apparently he paid attention to every single word I said during the date and also asked the right questions that enabled him to piece together my address (I guess a google search may have helped too)

He sent me a dozen beautiful roses (red, pink, yellow and white) in a beautiful pink vase with a note that said: Feliz Dia dos Namorados!

It made my day! It is nice to feel special and thought of in such a nice way! It is great to be surprised and to realize that there is at least one person out there that is thinking of me.

But of course, I cannot just enjoy the flowers and relish the moment. Now I worry if his flowers are just a friendly gesture or if there is a little more meaning to it.

I do not want to break anybody’s heart! I know the pain! but I also made clear after the date that I would love to be just friends.

Should I bring up the subject and clarify it again? I also don’t want to offend him. Or should I just say thank you?

One more step towards freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

11 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am happy because I choose to be happy.  It is a daily choice! Sometimes is a daily struggle.

Today is a struggle!

Since moving out of Ex’s house he has been calling, e-mailing and texting, mostly to say hello or something trivial,  but sometimes also adding that he is thinking of me, missing me and loving me.

Do I believe that? No! If he loved me I would still be there.

I have been trying to remain friendly as I do not believe in harboring resentments and being angry and enemies with anybody. But it is not working.

Every time he gets in touch it hurts me, it is a constant reminder that I still have feelings for him.  It reminds me that I still don’t know the reason why it ended.

Also at least once a week he used to invite me to dinner.  I have asked him to stop inviting me to dinner, which he obliged.

I have not asked him to stop getting in touch with me because we have one financial deal that will end in July and I didn’t want to make waves until then.

That was until now!  I cannot take it anymore.

I don’t care if I lose money anymore! I want my sanity! Just 5 minutes ago I called him and asked him to stop contacting me and only get in touch in July.

This afternoon he had sent me a picture of him wearing a shirt that we got on our vacation in Thailand saying he was thinking of me.  I completely fell apart.  He also mentioned looking at our skiing trip’s pictures.  I remember those trips,and many others,  the happiness, and how we seemed so perfect together.

I asked him to stop playing with my heart, stop playing games, stop getting in touch with me.  It infuriates me that he seemed shocked by my reaction, he seemed hurt and confused by my wanting to forget him.

It kills that he thinks that is perfectly normal to be dating someone (he confirmed he is dating someone, not the same person that he was dating at the time we broke up, he already moved on from that one or perhaps she wised up quickly) and still be calling me and saying he loves and misses me.  How can he not see how much that hurts me?

How can he think that that is normal? It is amazing his ability to make me feel like I am the one that is not being reasonable.

For the record he has maintained that we cannot be together because he has to concentrate on all his businesses and volunteer work and cannot be the boyfriend/partner I need him to be.  He says some of his businesses are in jeopardy and he cannot protect me. Bunch of bs as far as I am concerned. Disingenuous at best.

So I was lying in bed crying and realized that that was not helpful so now I am sitting and crying- lol

I cannot wait for the day that I will look back and laugh at all this!

I am trying to look at the good side, I am trying to find the good side. I am happy I took a stand and right now don’t care if I ever hear from him again (I so want to believe those words!). I guess deep down inside perhaps I still had hopes. I never thought I would say this, but, sometimes hope can be a dangerous thing!

Clash of the Titans

10 Sunday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Reviews

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I was one of the 81,994 fans that attended the Clash of the Titans match at Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ yesterday. That was a record attendance for a soccer match at that stadium!

The game was between my beloved Brazil and our archenemy Argentina.

Brazilians are one of the most friendliest people in the world.  We love all and are loved by all.  But when it comes to our neighbor Argentina things can get a little dicey.

Both countries think they are the best country in South America. Both think they have the best natural resources, most beautiful women, and of course best soccer players.

There is the never ending debate in the soccer world as to who was really the best player: Pele (Brazil) or Maradona (Argentina).

I, and thousands more, was really looking forward to yesterday’s match. And it was all that it was promised and more.  They both had their best players from their national teams (as it was agreed per their contracts).  Brazil brought their  Olympic team, which is a younger team, but equally talented.

I was there with a group of 22 co-workers and clients raging from soccer fans to soccer players to “don’t even know what soccer is”, and the general consensus at the end of the game was that it was an amazing game.

Unfortunately Brazil lost! The score was Argentina 4 goals, Brazil 3.  Of course I wanted Brazil to win, still I have to concede that their best player, Lionel Messi, had an amazing performance.  He scored 3 out of Argentina’s 4 goals.

Everyone, players and fans were well behaved, for the most part.  There was a little scuffle at the last 2 minutes of the game between a couple of players but it was minor and it didn’t really make the game any less great. As far as the fans I didn’t witness any misbehavior, only the usual taunting and loudness.  Mostly all had fun with their loud music, singing and dancing.

I was just a bit confused by the halftime entertainment.  It was not really necessary to have any.  I don’t think any fan would have complained or even mentioned the lack of anything during halftime.

First they brought 3 Argentinian couples dressed in black fancy attires to dance the Argentinian tango … on the grass.  It just looked weird and so out of place, I felt for the dancers.  They should have, at least, put in some type of floor covering.  Then perhaps would have made more sense.  Can you imagine dancing wearing high heels on the grass? the tango nonetheless!

After that they brought Brazilian drummers and male dancers performing soccer skills and some capoeira (a type of martial art and dance).  It was more fitting than tango for a soccer match, but still it was a bit lackluster.

All in all it was a great day with tailgating pre and post game. I cannot believe that even after 2 hours after the game had ended the parking lot where we were was still half full!

It was only a friendly, exhibition match, it didn’t really count for anything.  At the end of the day, we still have 5 stars on our jersey for each of our World Cup wins, while Argentina has only 3!  (sore loser? yep, a little bit!!)

How young is too young?

07 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Animated Babies

(Picture courtesy of http://www.free-animations.co.uk)

I am sitting in the usual car of my usual train this morning playing with my phone when I have this feeling one gets when you have a pair of eyes on you.  I look up and I see this guy sitting 4 rows across from my seat staring at me.

I think to myself that dressing better on Thursdays is already paying off.

I don’t have to dress up for work.  As a matter of fact I could wear pajamas if I wanted to, but as a courtesy to my fellow train riders and my fellow New Yorkers I normally wear jeans or something as casual.

I wish I had a uniform so that I didn’t have to think of what to wear every morning (or the night before).  Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of clothes, specially now that I lost the chocolate weight and can get into a whole side of my closet that had been lying dormant for the past couple of years. I am just not creative when it comes to putting outfits together.

Because I know that if you dress better you feel better I figure I will start with dressing better on Thursdays, which happens to be my favorite day of the week. And hopefully that will get me motivated to add other days until, voila, I am dressing well the whole week!  Also, dressing better is a way of saying to the world, and most importantly to myself, that I matter enough to be concerned with how I look.

Anyway, going back to being stared at in the train…

This is a good looking young guy.  How young?  I am not sure, but I would venture a guess of low 30s.  Hummm, I am 46! So I am thinking to myself is he too young for me? Of course I am jumping the gun, for all I know he is staring at the lady behind me or next to me.

Why can’t I just relax and stare back?  Well, for beginners, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to sultrily look at any guy flirting with me. I am a big flirt but only after I met someone. The moment I have a stranger’s eyes on me I start either giggling or grinning like a Chesire cat.  I am sure guys are left scratching their heads thinking: what is wrong with her?  When I was a teen my sister would say:  Stop that grinning and giggling, they will think you have mental problems. Well, perhaps I do have mental issues because after 30 years my first reaction still is to giggle and grin.

Somehow I am able to hold my compusure and continue playing with my phone while attempting to give him quick glances.

The train arrives at Grand Central Station and I leave first. I have taken only a few steps and he is right next to me and says hello.  Up close he is even more handsome.  And YOUNG!!! He is just a baby! He looks late 20s max. I am disappointed, but still so flattered.

He asks me if I have time for breakfast and the only thing I say is: How old are you? Well I am nothing if I am not direct and to the point!  There is no guessing what I am thinking.

He says: 25, almost 25.

Oh, good God, is this a test?

I giggle! there comes the giggling again and I say: I could be your mother!

Somehow I think he has gone through this before because he lists a whole bunch of reasons why it doesn’t matter:

It is only breakfast!

You look 30!

Age is just a number!

I was always mature for my age!

You can have breafast with a friend, can you?

I give him extra points for having the guts of approaching me.  I find that a lot men are afraid of rejection so they don’t even try.  Perhaps he is too young to actually feel rejected – lol.  I politely say I am flattered but that it was best to skip breakfast.  I wish him luck and go.

Now, I know that it was only breakfast and perhaps I missed a chance of making a friend, but believe me I have been there before.  I have dated embarassingly young guys before, and in this case there is no such thing as just breakfast.

Still, I am flattered and more than ever motivated to dress up on Thursdays.  And it got me thinking:  What is my cutoff age?  How old is too young for me? since I am 46, I am thinking that a 10 year difference in either direction is okay.

but of course that is not set in stone!

By the way, for the record, I hate the label “cougar”!

(please see http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/ for my list of 10 reasons not to date a younger man)