Category Archives: Daily Life

In looking back I move forward …

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness.  So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control.  That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week.  So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.

(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)

October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.

November 2011.  I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!

December 2011.  We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.

January 2012.   I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him.  I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.

February 2012.  I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable.  I count the hours til I am going to see him next.  He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing.  I continue to lie to myself.  He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.

March 2012.  I start this blog.  I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.

April 2012.  He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time.  For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out).  I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.

May and June 2012.  I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength.  Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips.  I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.

July 10th 2012.  He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined.  I decide that I need to stop this insanity.  Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again.  I have to cut all contact.  I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form.  He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.

He didn’t try very hard…

July 13, 2012.  He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work)  has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.

I get so angry when I read that.  Tears start rolling down my face.  This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face.  I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not.  Very weird, but very fitting I believe.   This pain is also different.

This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past.  This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing.  This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.

After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.

I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again.  I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point.   I am not even curious about what he learned.   It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.

Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying.  At peace with being alone. At peace with life.  At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.

I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes.  I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave.  I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love.  I still pray for his well-being.  I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.

New Friend/New love.  I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone.  It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me.  When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word.  And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will.  This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow.  So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.

Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.

I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story.  I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs.  Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.

Current Life. I love my new small apartment.  It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do.  I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.

My Projects.

– Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.

– Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!

–Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body.  It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.

–French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!

–Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.

–Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled.  I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.

–Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.

***

Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!

I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come.  I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.

Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.

I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.

I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship.  I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship.  I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue.  There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will  be able to see things clearly.

In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.

So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page.  I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh.  You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.

I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad.  I welcome all and try to learn all that I can.  I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may.  I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can.  As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me.  I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able.  Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.

****

(all images from google images)

 

We can be brighter than the sun!

12 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Poetry

≈ 16 Comments

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Because I am duality personified: One day I cry over a lost love, the next I smile dreaming and welcoming a new one.  Because fear of getting hurt again doesn’t scare me!

So, this is to you, brand new, dare I say it? yes I dare, LOVE!

Because I dare to dream I dare to want you

I dare to want you because I dare to dream

In this sacred space that is called heart

I have made room for you, and yet it is not a prison – you can always get out

But if you choose to leave some remnants of what never was will always be

Because the dark crying days makes me want you more

The magic of what it is to come is too tempting to pass up

I wished I had waited for you and be yours to discover for the first time

I hoped and pursued, and in each failed one I hoped for you

But your arrival is still doubtful, your fears are consuming, almost paralyzing

And in the pieces of my broken heart I see the future even more bright

I am in love with the now, with all the promises that it holds

Nothing better than to wonder when we will meet, to dream about the details

Who needs reality? All my dreams awake and asleep are you

Will you be as hungry for me as I am for you?

Turning my bedroom into a battle zone, messing up my hair and my mind in the end

I want all that intimacy again, but I want more and I want better

I want to be taken and savored and fall sleep exhausted in your arms

In the meantime I wait, for you to come and take what is yours

And yet there is no pressure, nothing will change, because in all this I am just being me

Simply loving, without fully knowing, completely giving without reservations

Taking huge leaps of faiths, willing to fall and get hurt again

My mind tries, but the heart is always in control, so there is no choice but to offer myself completely

**

Because sometimes a song illustrates so well what I want to say.  This song is for you because I think our love can be brighter than the sun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KU5o6M7S5nQ

“Brighter Than The Sun” – Colbie Caillat

Stop me on the corner
I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go with it
Don’t you blink you might miss it
See we got a right to just love it or leave it
You find it and keep it
Cause it ain’t every day you get the chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

I’ve never seen it, I found this love, I’m gonna feed it
You better believe, I’m gonna treat it better than anything I’ve ever had
Cause you’re so damn beautiful
Read it, it’s signed and delivered let’s seal it
Boy we go together like peanuts and paydays and Marley and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Everything is like a white out, cause we shika-shika a shine down
Even when the, when the light’s out but I can see you glow
Got my head up in the rafters, got me happy ever after
Never felt this way before, ain’t felt this way before

I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go?

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun

09 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 2 Comments

I wanted to reblog this for so many reasons. Each time I read another light goes on. Frank is the male version of me. He believes in God and prayer and is seeking to make his life and of those around him better. He wants love in his life but will not settle for cheap imitations.
Where we differ is that I am still too stubborn and set on my ways to seek outside help to deal with problems. But who knows, I keep an open mind…
This post clearly shows the benefits of professional help in his life. He has been in recovery for over 13 years… and excelling beautifully!
I hope by reblogging this perhaps it will reach someone that at this moment in time needs that extra push to seek help. Often God sends us angels (in many different forms) to help us when the load is too heavy, but sometimes, instead, he wants us to seek our own angels!
Bravo Frank!!

frankoshanko's avatarfrankoshanko

One of the most influential people in my life is my psychotherapist.  We’ll call her Angelica, because of her always honest, insightful and consistent aid in my journey.  My wish is that everyone could have someone like her in their life.  She delivers a face and voice of God to me.

Angelica has guided me through thirteen and a half years of recovery, so the changes she’s encouraged are significant.  These changes are directly related to the degree to which I have willingness to try new ways, honesty to see my failings, and open-mindedness to grasp where I’ve suffered from rigid thinking.  These are cornerstones for positive changes in life.

Physical health is interrelated with spiritual and emotional health, so I’ve spent a lot of time on exercise.  Exercise feeds my mind oxygen and endorphins.  It helps my confidence and opens many doors of opportunity.  A healthy body allows me to do many things that some people…

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Allowing my brown eyes to scream

04 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Happy Independence Day USA!

And to celebrate it I am declaring my Independence today, independence from thinking that I am not allowed to cry. Today I declare myself free to cry if I want to! and even if I don’t want to but it just happens. I am free to cry anywhere, anytime and about anyone or anything.

ok, ok, in all fairness I am writing this at pms time and specially at this time I am a cry baby.  I cry for no reason. I cry for fiction, I cry for reality.

Just now I cried watching Drop Dead Diva, it was the scene where Owen takes Jane on a horse drawn carriage ride. I guess it was tears of happiness for her. Yes I am happy for a TV character, do you have a problem with that? and sad, sad to wonder when will I have a guy do romantic stuff like that for me? Am I not worth or deserving?

I cry if someone looks at me the wrong way, says the wrong thing, makes me feel inferior, makes me feel powerless. I cry because I am overwhelmed and all of a sudden my happy attitude and easy smile is a little forced.  All of a sudden the strong me is this weakling person I don’t recognize.

I cry for the past, for all that is gone that I am still trying to hold onto. I cry because the more I try to hold onto the less of a hold I have.  I cry even more when I realize that what I was trying to hold onto was not worth having in the first place. It is impossible to try to save something that never existed.

I cry for what it could have been, but for some reason or another never became! I cry because sometimes the pain in my heart is so intense that if I don’t cry I feel I will burst.  I cry because, just because, no special motive or reason is necessary.

So here is the a-ha moment, the moment that I realized that I was being too hard on myself, that I was not treating myself fairly:

I was with a friend on the phone and he made the comment that I couldn’t possibly understand how he felt about his kids because I didn’t have any kids.  At once I got this lump in my throat.  I tried holding it in, but tears immediately welled up in my eyes, and when he asked I couldn’t deny that I was crying.

You, the readers that don’t have any children, don’t you love when people say that? When people point out that you have no children, and therefore couldn’t understand the joys and hardships of parenthood.  I don’t need to put my hand in the fire to know that it burns. I don’t need to be a mother to know that there is an indescribable bond between parent and child, and to know that parenthood comes with a long list of sacrifices – that they tell me is all well worth.   I am not a parent but I have had experience in the subject.  I have had my hands in raising a few, first as a nanny raising 2 kids, one from when he was 2 days old until 6 years of age, and later being stepmom to 2 pre-teens. I did spend sleepless nights with a baby, take a toddler to get stitches, I did have to deal with a pre-teen wanting to have sleepovers and had the talks about sex and drugs, among a myriad of parenting moments.

But now I getting off the subject of this post.  This post is not about things people say that hurt us, it is not about pms, it is not about wanting or not to have kids, all of those will be subject for future post or have already been.  This post is about tears, about being comfortable with crying, about allowing oneself to have their feelings shown.

In all fairness if it was not for the mighty pms I probably wouldnt have cried about hearing that. It is not the first time I am being presented with the astounding revelation that I don’t have kids.  It burns and hurts but it doesn’t normally make me cry.

When I started crying on the phone, I tried to hide it, but it is impossible to talk with a lump on the throat.

My friend felt bad!  I felt embarrassed and weak! I don’t want anyone to be afraid to talk to me honestly because I may cry.   I proceeded to explain to him how I hated crying because I thought it was a sign of weakness and I considered myself a strong person.

He said: I cry, do you think I am weak?

I said: NO, when a man cries I think it is a sign of strenght, of manliness, he is man enough to be okay with showing his emotions.  I like men that cries. And I was being completely honest! Nothing more beautiful than someone having feelings and demonstrating and not being afraid to show them.  And for that matter I feel that way about not only men, but anyone crying except myself.

Why am I setting myself apart as this one being that is not allowed to have emotions? And when having emotions why can’t I allow myself to show them?  I realized I have double standards when it comes to myself and my emotions.  I expect so much from myself.  I expect myself to be cool, calm and collected at all times.  I expect myself to be a pillar of strength.  I pride myself for being in control of everything and most important my emotions.

I guess this is one of those moments where the light bulb goes on in your head. A moment of learning and growing. A moment to make a conscious effort to be good to myself. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to be kind to myself and realize I am only an extra emotional human being.

so I cry, big deal! Who cares, move on. That is my new winning attitude!

I came across the following beautiful quotes:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

“Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

“Tears are the noble language of eyes, and when true love of words is destitute. The eye by tears speak, while the tongue is mute.”
― Robert Herrick

Who am I to argue with those amazing writers?

Let us all allow the tears to flow freely as they will. Let people feel bad if they hurt our feelings and lets us use that moment to talk about why the words hurt. Lets use the tears to open the doors to deeper and more meaningful conversations.  Lets use tears to bond us as human beings who have emotions and are strong enough to show them.  (I do know that the last thing my friend would want to do was to hurt me, he instead has been the source of smiles and laughter)

Let the tears speak when the feeling is too overwhelming for words. Let the world see you are sad or happy, let the world see you are alive and only human. Don’t make your feelings invisible!

So I will continue crying because it is in my nature, but I will feel less ashamed, less weak.  Next time I cry I will open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the moment!

So today, in this beautiful freeing day, what are you declaring independence from?

Why run?

01 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 48 Comments

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(pic google images)

Last Friday at Grand Central Station as I am stepping on the escalator, the woman ahead of me stepped aside and asked me if I wanted to go ahead of her.

I replied: No, thank you, that is ok, I am not in a hurry.

Her: I thought I saw you running

Me: I guess I was running, but I don’t even know why

Her: Well, it is because you are a New Yorker!

Me: I guess you are right

I wished her a good day and continued my rush to get to work.

This quick exchange left me with all kinds of thoughts.

1) I thought I didn’t care to belong.  When she called me a New Yorker I couldn’t help but feel happy and smile to myself.  I felt proud to be called a New Yorker.  That happy feeling was really eye opening.  Why am I happy to be called a New Yorker?  I happen to love New York and I feel lucky and grateful to work there.  Everyday as the train makes its way into Manhattan I thank God for the opportunity.  But I think the happiness I felt goes a little deeper than that.  I guess her comment made me feel I belonged.  I thought I didn’t care about being like an average New Yorker.  I often prided myself on not trying to fit, not wanting to be a cookie cutter.  I am proud of everything that makes me unique, my accent, the color of my skin, my curly hair, my curves, my easy smile, my carefree attitude. But I guess deep down inside I never lost that immigrant’s thirst to fit in.

Homework: Work on those hidden, buried feelings of not belonging.

2) Why run?  Why was I running, going very fast when I didn’t need to.  I happen to work in a place that has a very laid back attitude.  I don’t have a schedule, whenever I get there, I get there, so there is really no reason for me to rush to get there.   Why do I do it?  Do I only know one speed? the busy New Yorker speed?

I often thought that I ran and did things fast because I didn’t want to waste time and miss anything in life.  I want to get everything done and done fast.  I can see it clearly now that I am accomplishing the total opposite.  I am running through life, instead of living life. I am getting a lot done, I am getting quantity, but am I getting quality?

In the hurry not to miss a thing I am missing everything!  I am missing the details! And the beauty of life is made of the little details.

The irony is that I am always the one to point out to everyone that they should live in the moment, in the now.  In the meantime I am always living in the next moment.

Homework: Stop and smell the flowers!  Make a conscious effort to take smaller steps through life starting with literally taking smaller steps.

2) Is this running another symptom of ADD (Atenttion Deficit Disorder). I am slowly beginning to realize that I probably have ADD/ADHD.  I am often mentioned in the same sentence as ADD by people that know me.  It is often meant as a joke and to point out another one of my quirks.  But I am thinking it is probably not a joking matter.

Homework: Research ADD symptoms and treatments

What a blessing that woman was to me.  She may as well have been an angel sent to shake me up gently but deeply.

What about you? Are you running through life too?

Feeling the love!

28 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in AWARDS, Daily Life

≈ 25 Comments

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What does the above picture have to do with feeling the love? Everything! If you have or ever had a pet you know that there is no purer love than that of an animal.  C., the above dog, made me feel loved on daily basis for 3 years.  In my heart I still feel his love, even though apart.  I miss him terribly and I still cannot make popcorn without crying.  I picture him standing by the stove waiting for his share.

To all the things, creatures, people we love and cannot have near us I take a moment and say a silent prayer.  I ask God to bless and watch over them.  For C. I say an extra prayer to St. Francis of Assisi.

Moving on to another thing that makes me feel loved: YOU

Your reading my posts pushed me along at times I wanted to quit.  Your comments have allowed me to reflect upon my own words and question myself.  You have added details I missed and you have offered another point of view.  You have humored me with humor.  And even when one of you had a mean comment, it served me to realize that I am not the only one hurting and capable of causing hurt with my words.  When you complimented me you humbled me.  When my words made sense to you my heart sang.

Perhaps unbeknownst to you, you have been a friend at a time I needed the most. For that I thank you, not only from my heart but from my whole being, body and soul!

THANK YOU READER FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!

Now as far as awards, I have been, ummm, what is the word? lazy? thoughtless? inconsiderate? rude? etc, etc, but anwyay, no matter what word is chosen the fact is that I have not properly acknowledged and thanked the bloggers that have, over the past couple of months, nominated and mentioned me.

This carelessness should not, in any way, imply a lack of happiness and gratitude!  I am overwhelmed by the recognition!  So until I have a chance to work on each single Award, I want to take this time to thank the blogs that have nominated me.  They are all great in their own right.  They are as diverse as the day is long.  I suggest you visit them all and see what they are all about!

YOU ALL BROUGHT A SONG TO MY HEART:

http://truthletsandthoughtbits.wordpress.com

http://paulaacton.wordpress.com

http://mylifeuncutalmost.wordpress.com

http://thetopleftkey.wordpress.com

http://stickynotesandquotes.wordpress.com

http://abetteryeartoabetterlife.com ; http://secretworldofs.wordpress.com

http://ladylovelyblogger.wordpress.com

http://liferevelation.wordpress.com

http://greatgreths.wordpress.com ; http://angelswhisper2011.wordpress.com/

http://sosassyandsingle.com

http://discoveranddevour.com

http://pczick.wordpress.com

http://musingsoftheamusingmuse.com/

http://onlinedatingjournal.wordpress.com

(If I have left out any blog that has nominated me I am sorry! Please let me know so I can thank you and add you to this list)

Of prayers, expectations, love and hope!

23 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 37 Comments

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(pic courtesy of google images)

My favorite voice on the phone got me thinking about God’s answer to our prayers. Well, he got me thinking about a whole lot of other stuff too but we don’t want to go there!  We want to keep this blog PG13.

We are both at a stage in our lives that we are thinking about spiritual growth and we are doing that while mending a broken heart or perhaps as a result of it.  We are both trying to look past our wants and focus on our needs – we want to feed our starving soul!  We want to be more grateful, we don’t want to take a single breath for granted.  We want to give more than we receive and yet we want to make sure that we don’t forget ourselves.  Above all we want love in our lives.

While my friend is very focused and working hard,  I am more laid back and not trying so hard.   I am doing the work, but not as much as I should or could, and certainly not with the same intensity. I fear getting fanatical, specially since I know my own tendencies.  I will attack something with all might only for a few months later to be exhausted and give up.  I decided to get off of that cycle.  I just want to live the best that I can.  Yes I am changing and growing but at my own pace. I want to give my body and mind a chance to adjust to each change before moving on to the next. So it will take me longer to be physically and mentally fit but when I get there it will feel like home. It will be natural and not forced.

We don’t want to be hurt again, so we try hard not to repeat past patterns and mistakes.  Unfortunately sometimes I think we over do it.  We analyze and rationalize everything to the point of paralysis. To be questioning every single step and feelings and consequences is exhausting.  I certainly don’t want to make the same mistakes of the past.  If anything, I want to make new ones.  But I am allowing for my human condition of being flawed and of sometimes having to learn the same lesson twice, or three times.  And if the teacher happens to be a sexy handsome man, then I plan on learning the lesson with a smile on my lips and a twinkle in my eyes!

What I don’t want above all is to let my fear stop me from living!

I am allowing for myself to fall down and continue getting up as many times as necessary. Perhaps life lies somewhere in between the falling down and getting up.

Prayers. We talked about praying to God to put our soul-mates in our paths.  And a thought came to me, so I said: what if God has already answered your prayer!  What if the answer is staring you in the face (or is a voice on the other end of the line 🙂 ) and you are just not seeing it because it didn’t come in the packaging you were expecting? it didn’t come in a neat little box with a neat little bow.

That got me thinking about our expectations when we pray.  We want a certain answer and that sometimes blind us to the real answer. We pray with expectations!  Can we pray and have complete trust in God to give us, not what we want, but what we need?  Are we ready for that? Are we ready for an answer that we didn’t expect?

Are we asking or are we telling God what to do? How do we know when He has or has not answered us yet? I say the answer is in the heart – our lifeline to God. Our heart will help us see the answer – if we are open to it and listening with an open heart!

Is He going to get sick of listening to my asking for a love over and over again that he will send me just anybody to shut me up and prove to me that I was not ready for it? Be careful what you pray too much for!

God’s guidance.  So, instead I pray for guidance, wisdom and strength.  I pray that I will be able to make the right choice at the right time. I pray that I will choose the right path, not the shortest or easiest. I pray for clarity in determining my next step. And once that path has been chosen I pray for strength to handle what may come. I pray for the right teachers on my path at the right time.  And I make God a promise that if He chooses to send me love I will cherish it and work on it day and night.

Expectations.   We try to live with none, but I venture a guess that most of us fail miserably. We may think we have none, but when we look closely at our actions and reactions, all we see is the expectation of a certain result. We work out to be healthy, but aren’t we deep down inside expecting to be great looking to attract the opposite sex? We go to work and do our best and we get a paycheck, but aren’t we also expecting recognition and praise? My ultimate goal is to remove all expectations but I realize that is the Mount Everest of tall orders.

Divine Timing. It is not when I want and when I think I am ready for it.  I have to respect the Universe’s timing.  I am a good person, I do good, I do no harm, I pray with faith, I have hope, but what if I am not done learning yet?  What if I am meant to kiss a lot more frogs, before I am ready for the one.  And I mean frogs with the utmost respect for the amphibians.

While we wait for the one,  life is happening.  Life waits for no one. I cannot put life on hold until the time is right. I cannot tell life to come back in 6 months.  Life is here and now, and I say embrace it!

And what if the one is right here? You prayed for it, you receive it, and now you are complaining about timing and other minor details? Sounds a bit ungrateful – lol

and, if better still, what if there is not a “one”. What if there is a series of ones? or what if there is just myself? I dare say I am ok with it!! More of the reason to enjoy the now and the one right now!

God’s Will. My God is not mean, and He doesn’t play cruel jokes, but he does have a sense of humor!   God’s will will  triumph, so why do we have to fight it sometimes? There is a reason for you to be put in my path! There is a reason we were drawn to each other.   Can we just relax long enough to see what that reason is? Why do we need to have a label for this? Why do we need to know from the get go what this will become? Why do we need to have a plan? (and at that word God is laughing, because our plans are nothing but our trying to control fate!)

Free Will.  ah the contradictions, His will will triumph in the end, and yet he gives us free will to pursue life. We can choose the little details that beautify life.  We can choose to love willing, we can choose right from wrong.  And we can choose to make this a passing cloud or a lingering thunderstorm. Our choice!

We are a clear canvas that we get to paint any way we see fit.  It doesn’t have to make sense to anybody else. Real or abstract it is ours, and all the potential in that is not lost on me.

We must not forget the consequences, because with Free Will comes consequences! Well, Miss Optimistic here think that consequences are rewards, validation, blue skies.

Relinquishing Control.  We spend so much time trying to mold things our way, trying to control the uncontrollable.  Perhaps we should just relax, give ourselves license to just be and let nature take its course. Stop trying to swim against the current. The more we try to control the less control we have, truer words have never been spoken!

I have to learn to let God sometimes to take the wheel, sometimes it is okay for me to just close my eyes and enjoy the ride.

Possibilities. You came into my life to show me possibilities. You came to wake me up.  I am wide awake, now what? Now the question is how long are you staying?  While I see the potential, possibilities, the all good, you see the problems, the logistical issues, the timing issue, the all bad. How ironic that the one that awoke in me possibilities cannot see them?

Daily gifts. I am going to see people coming into my life as gifts, and I will treat them as such! How they feel about me should not matter. People are gifts to my soul. They will teach me, make me smile, make me wonder, they will test my patient, but above all they will make me feel alive. You are my gift! and I am not returning it!

Blessings in disguise.  Perhaps we are not exactly what we each had in mind, but perhaps we are just what the doctor ordered at this moment in time.  Perhaps what you see as problems are the reasons why it is so perfect. Perhaps you need to broaden your view. How many times we look back and realize we failed to see a blessing and wish we could do it over?

Until our next conversation…

Thank you God for the beauty of unexpected friends. Thank you for helping me leave the door open so that the unexpected can come in.  May I have the grace to continue leaving the door open so that the unexpected does not feel trapped!

**

My wish for us: Moments of silence to listen to our hearts and courage to acknowledge the screaming of our souls!

… so I bought a banana!

21 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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This morning I am running out of my apartment to catch the train to work when in the middle of the hall I see a $5.00 bill.

I look around, bend down and pick it up.  Why did I look around first? I guess it felt a bit like stealing so one wants to make sure no one is looking, or perhaps I wanted to see if the rightful owner was coming back for it.

I hold the bill in my hand without knowing what to do next.  If it was a million dollars then I could begin dreaming, but $5.00 doesn’t exactly excite me. But that thought shames me, what if this $5 is all the person had?

Since is early morning I am thinking that perhaps the owner lost it last night after coming home drunk and fumbling with the keys. Or perhaps the guy, instead of drunk,  he was too tired from his 2 jobs.   Or perhaps it is not even a guy!

I do have a tendency to over think things some times, well, most of the time!

What am I am going to do? How can I find who lost it? Do I need to find who lost it? Do I leave it at the front desk?  It all seems a bit ridiculous!

I am talking to myself all of the 12 flights of stairs (yep I am feeling smug as I type this for no longer taking  the elevator. My butt and legs are beginning to show the effects of this new routine.  But we will talk about my butt and my legs in another post).

I am still unsure as to how to proceed and I am now thinking that finding this bill was a stroke of bad luck.  Perhaps I should have just left it there.  The owner may  come back to look for it.  But by now if I return I will miss my train.  So I continue down.

As I open the door to get out of the building I come face to face with Joe, the super. Yippie, luck is changing! He will know what to do for sure!

As I wave the bill I say: Joe, I found a $5.00 bill in my hall (I can feel the stress in my voice)

He replies: Good for you! It is yours!

Relief rushes through me.  I have been given permission to keep it and stop obsessing about it.

Me? Stop obsessing about something? Never! (I do think some obsessions are okay. For example I enjoy obsessing about love and, of late, one particular someone, but I would call that a healthy obsession since it motivates me and makes me happy.  My therapist, if I had one, on the other hand, would beg to differ – lol)

Now I am thinking that I should somehow use this money, which was never mine to begin with, for the good of somebody else.

I should just hand the money to the first homeless person I meet.  Of course is not that simple, what if that person is an addict and uses the money for drugs. (For the record I don’t think all homeless people are drug users and homeless by their own fault or anything like, this is just the way my mind was working this morning).  In that case I would be enabling them to continue with their addiction and end up causing more harm than good.

Then I think that instead of handing the money I should just buy them food, but then a memory comes to mind:  About 4 years ago I was on my way to dinner when I saw this homeless person lying on the side walk.  I felt guilt beyond belief that I was ready to go eat while somebody looked starving.  So I got to the restaurant, ordered food and took to the man. Instead of gratitude I got yelled at the top of his lungs: Get out of it here! Leave me alone! It both scared and scarred me; I thought he would attack me.  It occurred to me then that perhaps I don’t have the right to interfere with somebody’s lot in life, especially if I am doing more for my benefit then theirs.

I look at the bill again and it looks fake. Washed out. Oh gosh, I already can see myself being handcuffed and being taken to jail.

While the bill takes most of the thoughts in my mind, one thought slips in: I forgot my apple sitting on the counter at home!  So now I have to walk even faster to make sure I have time to grab one at the station.  This is shaping up to be not one of my best mornings.

I get there and the apples all looked bruised and past their prime.  But a banana catches my eye, it looks perfect! and I do remember a doctor telling me a long time ago that I lacked potassium and should eat one banana a day.

So I grab the banana, place on in the counter and the girl says: $1.50.  After my eyes come back into my face – $1.50 for a single banana!!! And it was not even that big!  I reach for my wallet and, as everyone could see this coming a mile away, my wallet is not there!  I have left my wallet in my tennis bag last night!

I hand the cashier the $5 bill praying that it works.  It does!

$3.50 to go …

 Moral of the story:  there is none! Well, perhaps I can spin it as I am so blessed that the Universe makes sure I have money for my daily fruit!

But this $5.00 got me thinking:

  1. Do I have a duty to find the owner of anything I find?  If money, what is the cutoff dollar amount? $5. $10?
  2. My contributions to society –  or lack of it!
  3. Who benefits more when you do good? You or the recipient?
  4. Is it still altruistic if you are doing mostly out of guilty?
  5. When is it help and when is it interference?

*******

Now on another note: How many of you thought this post was going to be about a whole different matter? Come on! I cannot be the only one with a dirty mind around here!   Yes I am feeling a little naughty this morning.  Even a nice girl like me has needs!

… letting my heart be my guide…

19 Tuesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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To the one that moves me:

Yesterday I didn’t know you existed.  Today I would miss you if you were gone!  I would miss your words, your voice and your laughter.  I would miss what you do to my mind, heart and body. I would miss the possibilities and the anticipation.

And yet our bodies never touched.

Your words slowly moved in. With each word I saw you, with each word I knew you.  My heart and my mind began slow dancing to “what ifs”.

You have all the things I appreciate in a man: you see the humor in life, you have a honest heart, you have been hurt in your past,  you are happy in your present, and you have hope for your future.  You take being a father seriously and you are a grateful son!

You took the first step and my heart sang the beginning notes of a love affair! I welcomed you with open arms.

While I throw caution to the wind and jump in head first (not taking time to check if this is perhaps another shallow pool), you are afraid of getting wet.

You are conflicted.  You wrestle with thoughts such as: Too soon?  Too fast?  Too far? You fear getting hurt again.  We both have been hurt before, more times than we care to count.  You contemplate not trying again. To me not trying is a sin!

I cannot deny that it is indeed too soon, it is too fast and it is too far.  But who gets to decide when the time is right, at what pace to go and what is the correct distance?    I don’t know what this is either.  I just know it feels too good to not try!

I cannot say it is going to work, I cannot say it will last. But not matter if it is a day or a year I plan on showing 100% and giving my all. If my heart gets broken again, so be it! I am not afraid! Never was, never will be!  I don’t know how to pace myself; I don’t know how to lower the speed.  Perhaps time to learn and change? I can’t!  I don’t know how! I don’t want to! I rather live and die being me! Showing up in full and hurting completely!

I see beauty and opportunity in the different, the unexpected, the not so safe, and the not so sure.  I enjoy proving people wrong or getting hurt in the process.  My ego wears armor.   I enjoy honoring my feelings.  I enjoy love affairs with the unlovable!  What is the virtue in loving the easy, pretty, safe right across the street?

I don’t want safe and proper! I want to take chances.  I don’t regret failing, I regret not trying!

You gave my mind flight, you gave my heart fancy, and you give my body feelings that still linger in the next morning.

What if this is all it is? What if there is not forever? What if this never gets out of the gate, what if never leaves the starting line? Still I would think it was all worth, for you pulled me out of the dead calm, out of the pained soul, out of just being and brought me back to life.  Out of arid land you made me flourish once again. You were necessary to me; you were a wakeup call! You repaired my heart, you melted my soul, and you made my juices flow. So take a moment now and take a bow!

I plan on no holds barred fun. I plan on being the ride of your life!

For the duration I plan on showing up in full, bare body and soul.  I promise complete honesty, even if it hurts.   I plan on transparency.  I plan on placing my heart in your hands!

BUT,

Ignore all I wrote up to now! I didn’t come here to try to make up your mind! I didn’t come here to plead my case!

Don’t worry about hurting me. I realize that I am the only that can do that.  I am stronger and taking full control and responsability for my feelings and how I react to other’s role in my life.

I am here to say that whatever you do, whatever you choose you have my blessing.  If you follow your heart or your mind, that is completely up to you.  As a friend I am supporting whatever path you take!

What is important is that you look in the mirror and is proud of the person you see! What is important is that you make a choice based on your convictions and your God.

At the end of the day you have to make sure that you honored your feelings and that you were true to yourself!

Just don’t be afraid of living! Because that would be a real shame!

… And if we never meet I plan on treasuring all the images and possibilities my mind created and move on feeling better than ever before!

The Burial

18 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is about my final (I hope) meeting with Ex. I know in my heart that I will eventually be friends with him, but for now I just need and want distance and peace!

Before the meeting:

I am anxious and scared! Am I scared that I will end up in bed with him like every meeting before? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I am scared that I will get emotional looking at him and thinking about what we had.

I am scared that  I will bombard him with questions about things that no longer matter, such as the new girl in his life. It doesn’t really matter if the new girl is tall or short, young or old.   What is the point of wanting to know those details?

I don’t want to list all he has done wrong.    He knows what he did! And having him, once again not acknowledging my pain and his role in it it will just hurt me further.  (and yet I know that I am responsible for my feelings and reactions and that he cannot cause me pain if I don’t let him)

One thing is for sure, it does feels amazing though to be over him!  It feels powerful to not care what he thinks of me anymore.  It feels incredible that he doesn’t hold my heart in his hands anymore!

So today there are no preparations for his arrival.  There is no hair done, nails, waxing.  There is no incense burning, there is not special dress or lingerie.

I can’t wait until this is over.  This is similar to the feeling I feel right before I need to go in for another dental surgery.  I am sitting in the waiting room listening to the sound of the drill coming from another room knowing that I am next. Feeling the pain before the pain.

***

After

I am an emotional wreck! Amazing that I am here writing, but thanks to divine intervention I didn’t curl up and die, I washed my face and snapped out of it!

The moment that I closed the door on him leaving, the moment that I closed the door to my past, the phone beeps.  It is a friend texting and in a way it is future calling.  It is God telling me to look forward and stop looking back!  And I hear it loud and clear.

But let me back up and give you a summary of the evening.

I met Ex in the front of my building and he hugged me hello.  It was awkward and I felt absolutely nothing!  I thought I would cringe at his touch, but I didn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel like staying in his arms.  I am grateful that he didn’t go for a kiss hello.

We went to one of the Mexican Restaurants in the neighborhood.

I am already crying.  I am  crying from the second I saw him! I am one of those people that cry at any funeral, even if I don’t know the deceased. And in a way this is a funeral. I am attending the funeral of a fairy tale that has died a long time ago but it never got a proper burial until today.

We sit at the restaurant and I realize that I don’t know how to act. I can’t speak, I stutter.  I play with the napkin and utensils.  I am grateful he sat next to me and not accross from me so that I don’t have to look at him.

But love is a beautiful thing! I still think about his feelings, and I don’t feel like hurting him, and I know that my silence would. So, summing up a strength that I didn’t think I had, I start talking like I would talk to a friend. I tell him about my tennis lessons and my Pilates sessions.  He tells me about his businesses and volunteer work.  We manage to get through dinner and even have a few laughs.

We walk to my place because we have to finalize some paperwork, after all that is the reason he came here in the first place.  In 30 minutes we are done with the paperwork. But of course it would be too simple if that was the end of it!

He makes the mistake of inviting me to a couple of big events that are coming up that we used to attend together, and also another one that is an once in a lifetime thing that I have been dying to attend.  And that is when I can no longer hold it in.

I let it all flow, tears and words. I say all that I have inside. I talk about the hurt, the betrayal, I talk about the things I know for a fact he did, I talk about my disbelief that  he would throw a beautiful story away.

Everything that I didn’t want to ask about, I ask. Everything I didn’t want to mention, I do.

Through it all he remains mostly quiet, speaking up a few times to defend himself and to say that he didn’t know where I was getting my information from.  He mentions loving more than I would ever know. He once again says that timing for us is not right, he has to focus on his business and children.  He says he is not really dating, but seeing the girl once in awhile and spending most of his time alone, as if that somehow is supposed to makes things ok, as if that makes any sense.

I tell him not to invite me to anything and stop pretending that we are still a couple. I tell him to stop playing with my feelings and hurting me.

I was not planning on falling apart, but we all know that things don’t normally go according to plan. I don’t regret anything I said.  I also know that he didn’t really hear all I said.  He is not ready to hear and understand and acknowledge what he has done.

At the end he cried also, but I cannot tell you if there was any truth in those tears.  I would like to believe that he did have feelings for me and that he also mourns the end of our story. But I just don’t know. And I am happy to say I don’t care!

At one point he hugged me and kissed me on top of my head.  And I let him.  We stayed like that for a couple of minutes.  And then it was done.  I was ready to bury the pain, the hurt, the love, the good times, everything.

He says good night, I silently close the door! I am still crying, not from missing him or seeing him leave.  I am crying from exhaustion, from hurt, from anger, from love. My whole body aches. I think that is the feeling a marathon runner feels at the end of a race:  happy exhaustion!

At this point I am standing against the door that I just closed, unable to move. My phone beeps. It is text from a friend asking how I am. That is the beauty of life, the realization that I didn’t need to stay in that pain.  The beautiful feeling of having someone care and wonder how I was feeling.

His text and subsequent phone call were a sign from God.  His voice comes through the phone and into my ears as a hand passing over my hurt and slowly removing the dark pain.  Hearing his voice soothes me.  Hearing his voice brings me back to reality and out of the “poor me” state I was ready to drown myself in.

I realized that this perfectly timed text and phone call was God working in His mysterious way.   This person unknowingly provided me with the bridge from my past to my future.

I have learned what I needed to learn and I grateful for Ex for everything he has taught me – good and bad.  I am better than before I met him and for that I am thankful.  I am also thankful for him for helping me become the person I am today.

I have put the love and care that I have for him in a special place. I worry about him and pray that he finds contentment.

So now the past is buried and I am eager for my future, alone or with someone special.  I know God has a plan, so I have no need to worry or have any doubts.  I have always known that no matter what I am always going to be ok! And that knowledge is priceless!

Now as far as my heart goes, you can just call it Timex!

***

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UbWTBoh7G4

Thank you for reading and supporting me and sending me your love!