Author Archives: A Star on the Forehead

Grateful for Friends, Faith and Freedom!!!

03 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I have been having a great time watching the World Cup games.   Watching Brazil’s game last Saturday almost gave me heart attack.  I keep telling myself it is just a game but my heart cannot help but beat faster any time Brazil is playing.  It is in my blood, it is country pride.   We have been lucky to have come this far with subpar performances.  Tomorrow we need to get our act together and play the way we played at the Confederate’s Cup last year; otherwise it saddens me to say it may be the end of the road. 😦

The proper means of increasing the love we bear our native country is to reside some time in a foreign one.  ~William Shenstone

In between the games I have been busy at work.  There has been a lot on my plate lately, but fortunately I am one of those people that work well under pressure.

There is always time for dating and friends.  I had a couple of dates that seemed promising but we haven’t managed to get together again due to scheduling conflict.  The best thing at this time is that there is no rush on my part anymore.  I know things will happen when and if they are meant to happen.  It is amazing how just adjusting my attitude a little I am all of a sudden engulfed in “dating peace”.

Last Sunday I was treated to lunch by a friend and his family at a new Croatian Restaurant in my town.  It was a beautiful place, great service and great food.  But the best thing about the lunch was the company and conversation.  I felt so honored that they drove 2 hours to come and take me to lunch.  It is great when you are in the company of people that get you,  that think that you are funny and smart and want you to meet their loved ones. It is priceless!

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” ― Anaïs Nin

I may have mentioned before that Ex’s mother  and I have remained in touch.  She has now moved from her home in the Midwest to his house in NY.  The other day I took her to a Broadway show and dinner to celebrate her birthday.    She believes, well,  hopes, that one day he and I will find our way to each other.  I have made it clear I am no longer interested.

We saw “Once”, the musical.  I thought it was cute and funny with bits of drama and heartache in the middle.   I found it refreshing and not very “Brodwaylike”, not a lot of costumes and set design.  The main focus is the music.  I really enjoyed the songs and the Irish accent was easy to understand (it can be heard some times).  For dinner she chose Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.  I don’t particular care for themed restaurants, but we had a fun time having an early dinner while watching the throngs of people down on Times Square through our second floor window.

A friendship that can cease has never been real.” –   St. Jerome (374 – 419)

This holiday will be a quiet one.  I am looking forward to getting some sun, watching the World Cup games, and hopefully getting together with a friend or a date.  I am lucky to be able to see the fireworks from my balcony so that will be a treat.

The post today is really about my gratitude for God’s infinite love and ultimate plan.  I have always said I have this unshakable believe in God, but I have to confess, that in the last 3 years while trying to cope with the breakup I had instances of doubt  and questioning.  Why me?  Why now? And just plain Why?

-please note, when I say God, I mean that which you believe in (if you believe), the Light, a Superior Being, the Universe, whatever name you choose to call that invisible guiding and protecting knowledge you have in your heart and soul.

Why would God introduce me to a fairy-tale and then take it away in the blink of an eye? I wanted answers.  But as weeks, then months, then years passed, I started to doubt if I would ever have an answer.  I decided to just believe that God has a plan and a reason for everything on this earth, even though sometimes we are not privy to what that reason is.  I decided that having an answer for everything is overrated and it does not change the state of things.  Sometimes, the answer is right in front of our eyes and we just don’t want to accept it.

“Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.” ― Max Lucado

In the doubtful moments I took a second look at my life and faith.  God has never disappointed and let me down.  Whenever I listen to my heart I know I am hearing God’s whisper.  Faith is only a virtue when is totally blind and unquestioning.  I decided that Faith and Doubt are mutually exclusive, they cannot exist in the same world.  Having that knowledge showed me what to do. I just need to continue on, following my heart, working hard and doing what is right.  My job is to believe in God’s ultimate plan for me and not question it.  If I believe in God there should be no room for doubt and worries.

It it is not about the destination, but about the journey, then it is not about finding an answer, a reason for something have happened. It is about the lesson contained in that experience.  I have learned so much in the last 3 years as a result of the breakup.  I learned enough to know that I know nothing, that I am just scratching the surface of my knowledge and growth potential.

“The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.” ― Benjamin Franklin

Fast forward to the present moment and it seems I have my answer after all.  I am so blessed not to be in Ex’s life right now.  I will not go into details.  The issues are his and not mine so I don’t feel right talking about them.  What I will say is that if I was still with him at this moment, my life would be totally upside-down, I would be crushed in so many levels.  I would be immersed in chaos, emotionally, financially and in every way.  I feel for him but I cannot help but feel relieved. I always felt he did me a favor, now I realize how big of a favor it was.

Since being told of all the goings on, I have been praying more. I have been thanking God for ultimately knowing what is best for me and for sparing me.  I have also been praying for Ex, his Mom and his girlfriend as I would not want to be in her shoes at the moment.  I feel sad for him.

God really has a plan and things definitely happen for a reason.   Let time, space and faith work its magic.  Learning to accept events and let nature take its course has been hard for me but ultimately what I needed most.  I am learning more and more to be less reactive and let things marinate before acting.  I have learned to be more accepting, I cannot change others, only myself.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

I am certain I am exactly where I need to be at the moment.  I should never spend a second of my precious and blessed life second guessing and doubting decisions I have taken, and situations I have found myself in. I am where and what God wants me to be!

I want to wish everyone an awesome 4th of July! I am taking this moment as an opportunity to be grateful not only for US’s independence, but also, taking a step further, for all the freedoms and rights I have.  I thank the ones that came before me and fought hard, and the ones that are still fighting (literally and figuratively) so that I can live as free as I live.  I am blessed to live in this beautiful and amazing land of opportunity.  Brazil is my roots, it is in my veins and in my heart, but US has welcomed me with open arms and made me what I am today, and for that I am infinitely grateful. No matter where you are, or which country you are from, let’s all celebrate Independence, freedom and choice! 

Love it or hate it: the World Cup is here!!

21 Saturday Jun 2014

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I am in a World Cup mood!  I love love love World Cup!

There was a lot of controversy surrounding the preparations for the World Cup in Brazil. There was too much money spent with not much to show for, unfinished stadiums, airports not ready to deal with the amount of travelers, violent protests, etc, etc. There were even moments when some people doubted it it would actually happen, and if it should happen.  One way or another the World Cup is here, so we may as well enjoy it and make the best of it.

It is a known fact in Brazil that some people think that football and carnival is a way that corrupt politicians distract the Brazilian people from all the problems.  I think that perhaps there is a grain of truth in that, but I am choosing at this time not to discuss how passive we Brazilians tend to be and how easily distracted we are with music and sports.  Right now I am just going to discuss my enjoyment of the World Cup.

When I first heard that Brazil would host the World Cup I was so excited  and ready to attend, but when the time came I decided to watch it from the safety and comfort of my living room. My fear was not as much for violence, but more for the chaos and confusion.  I now question if I have made the right decision after all who knows when there will be another World Cup in Brazil.

I am enjoying all the games, but I have to mention the Opening Ceremony. It was a major disappointment.  This is Brazil, so much was expected, so little was delivered.  We put a major Carnival production every year that is truly majestic.  For the World Cup we had 4 years to prepare and all we came up with was something that looked like it was a high school production. It was embarrassing to watch!!  I couldn’t believe my eyes and kept hoping it would get better – it didn’t!  Why? Why? Why?

Well it turns out the answer is actually just simple four letters: FIFA!!!! FIFA was in charge, FIFA is always in charge when it comes to the World Cup.  FIFA hired 2 foreigners to organize it.  Why would they get someone from outside when we have so many capable and talented people in-house? Who better to produce and stage the ceremony than the host itself?  It was supposed to be our party, but it turns out we are just the host, we are just lending our land to FIFA. It was such a wasted chance to highlight to the world the beauty of Brazil beyond Rio and the Amazon, beyond beaches and dancing girls.

Ceremony is over, so now on to the games.  Brazil started off the tournament with the game against Croatia.  It was lackluster and controversial due to a penalty kick that was called that amounted only to poor acting. We didn’t play well but we won, and I am sad to say that in this case I will take an ugly win over a pretty loss. Our second game (against Mexico) was a nail biter.  It was probably the most exciting scoreless game I ever watched, but Brazil showed it needs to improve or we will not go far. And credit to Croatia and Mexico they played very well.  Mexico’s goalkeeper was just phenomenal!  It seems all the teams have forgotten who is the sheriff in this town! Lol  Would it kill them to just let us run away with the Cup?  All kidding aside, it is good to see some so-called underdogs thriving.  Speaking of underdogs, the US was brilliant in their first game and I am looking forward to US vs Portugal on Sunday. Soccer is one of the few areas where the US is considered an underdog, I think it is good – it builds character! 🙂

We play Cameroon next and we should win easily, BUT, if there is one thing that this Cup is showing us is that there is no sure bet.  I will be glued to my TV with my heart beating out of my chest until the referee whistles the end of the game.

“Soccer isn’t the same as Bach or Buddhism. But it is often more deeply felt than religion, and just as much a part of the community’s fabric, a repository of traditions.” ― Franklin Foer, How Soccer Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization

It is hard for Americans to understand this passion for soccer.  They call the game boring.  I understand them, they were not born into it.  I am not going to try to justify it or explain it. I am just going to describe it what it is for me.

To me the World Cup is not just a sporting event.  It is tradition, it is culture, it is patriotism, it is love, it is passion, and it is pride.   For the longest time in Brazil we were in such dire economical disaster that it seemed that the only things we could be proud of was soccer and carnival.  Here is something that we are good at, here is something to be proud and happy with. (happy to report there is much more to be proud of)

“Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.”  ― Mark Twain

Soccer is a sport universally loved.  At World Cup time people don’t root only for their team, but for their country.  No matter your social status, religion, gender, color, political affiliation, anything, at this one time we are all together hoping for the same outcome.  For a month it seems we forget the differences (for the most part, unfortunately as we have seen in Kenya, some use the opportunity to level attacks).

This time brings me closer to my roots, to my country. I am also American and I will be watching and rooting for the US, but I cannot lie, my heart belongs to Brazil.  I am Brazil and the World Cup and Brazil and the World Cup are me.  I grew up with it, it is in my veins.  I rarely watched soccer, but World Cup is different, it is a whole other level.  I look forward to it and I watch every game I can.  At work I have 2 computer screens, at this time one is for work and the other is for the Cup. If Brazil is playing, then I go home to watch it.

I am looking forward to the rest of the tournament no matter how Brazil fares. (is it bad to say that I want anyone to win except Argentina and Italy? 🙂 Argentina-it is a Pele vs Maradona thing, Italy- I don’t want anyone to equal our number of wins! )

I am looking forward to the fans and their crazy costumes.  I am looking forward to great goals and even greater saves. I am looking forward to the National Anthems. I am looking forward to it all. I am in a World Cup mood and I love it!

I hope that at the end the fans that traveled to Brazil will take back with them amazing memories of a country, that, even though it needs a lot fixing, is still full of amazing welcoming people.  I hope they remember the people, the beauty, the experience.

Go Brasil! Make me proud!

It is not rejection, it is kindness!

11 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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My dating life is slow again.  There are potentials but then for one reason or another it just fizzles out.  We never get to go on a first date.  The last one was this guy that seemed like a great match for me.  We had exchanged emails so great that I was tempted to copy and paste on my blog.  Then, all of a sudden, nothing, just a deafening silence!

It is a mystery to me why somebody engages in conversation and/or long emails, seems all interested and then all of a sudden they disappear.  No “good bye”, no “I changed my mind”, nothing!

In the past I would have emailed/called and questioned them.  In the past I would have needed closure.  I would have spent countless hours analyzing and searching for answers.  Now I just think to myself: “Thank you”.  This acceptance is one of the benefits of experience, pain and growth.

I realize that knowing the answer wouldn’t change the fact that the person has chosen to go away. I now try to devote my time to more worthwhile activities instead of dissecting a futile situation.  I am still baffled but I know better than to look for answers where there is none that will make it okay for somebody to just walk away without a word.

All I know, and the most important lesson here,  is that whatever reason they chose to walk away it has nothing to do with me.   It is about them and what is going on in their lives.

I actually decided to take this it as an act of kindness.  They realized that we wouldn’t work out in the long run and they decided to go away and leave the path free for another person that will be better suited for me. How awesome is that? Heartache averted!!

I take this opportunity now to thank every person that comes into my life for the lessons and experiences.  I thank the ones that choose to stay, but I thank the ones that choose to leave even more!

I realize I am not for the faint of heart.  I can be aggressive and not afraid to speak my mind.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Therefore, it will take time to find the right person for me, the person that will find that a good thing and will not be intimidated. I am searching for a needle in a haystack, but I am never afraid of impossible propositions.  It will make the rewards that much sweeter.

Each guy that walks away leaves the path clear for the right guy to come along. Each guy that leaves means progress, one person closer to the right person. Each experience is also making me enjoy more my single life and realize how awesome it is.

Today I am celebrating this new improved me!  Here is for a healthy attitude adjustment!  It is not what happens to me,  it is how I perceive it and how I react to it!!

“These are the few ways we can practice humility:
To speak as little as possible of one’s self.
To mind one’s own business.
Not to want to manage other people’s affairs.
To avoid curiosity.
To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.
To pass over the mistakes of others.
To accept insults and injuries.
To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.
To be kind and gentle even under provocation.
Never to stand on one’s dignity.
To choose always the hardest.”
― Mother Teresa

Where there is Faith, all is not lost!

08 Sunday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

How do I move on from a mistake?  That is the question that has been the topic of most of my thoughts lately. I am not talking about Ex, relationships mistakes or anything like that.  on a side note, I am getting up and doing a happy dance right now for realizing that Ex no longer populates my thoughts and controls my actions. Has the big day finally come that I am free from him?  oh I smell another topic coming. lol

I am talking about little daily actions that amount to big disappointments.  I am talking about little mistakes that normally would not mean much, but it accumulates to the point of disaster.  I am talking about my actions in regards to diet and exercise lately.  It has been a roller-coaster of little accomplishments and broken promises. I am talking about

I normally say I am the easiest and most forgiving person on myself, but lately I am wondering if the opposite is not more of the truth.  My little sabotaging ways could actually signal that I don’t really like myself.  Otherwise, why persist on behavior that is damaging to myself?

Last night I had a cupcake the size of my head and didn’t exercise.  I had had half a huge cupcake and immediately was mad with myself.  The smart and right thing to do was to say to myself: ok, that was not smart, but it is not the end of the world. Now get up and do at least a few minutes on the elliptical or go for a walk, something active.  But NO,  what I did was to feel miserable and to feel like all had gone to hell in a hand-basket.  And since all had gone to hell I may as well have the rest of the cupcake. So I did, while sitting on the couch and watching TV.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” – ― Gautama Buddha

I seem to be having more and more episodes like that, where I know what I should do but I don’t do it. Are those the actions of someone that loves themselves?  It doesn’t seem so.  I am not saying I don’t love myself, I do, well I hope I do.  I am saying that I need to look more into my actions and their consequences.

All of a sudden I seem to have embarked into this love affair with food.  What is up with that?  I always loved sugar, but now that love is out of control, and it has traveled beyond the usual chocolate, it seems I am attracted to anything unhealthy.  It is becoming an obsession.

I overeat or eat something that is not good for me, then I promise myself to do better next day and what do I do the next day?  I repeat this damaging pattern. I keep doing it again, not exactly the same actions, but the same results. I will overindulge in some calorie laden treat and then no exercise or exercise very little. The result has been disatrous. I see it on the scale and in my mood and attitude.  I have returned to tennis lesson despite my nagging hip, but 1 hour a week of real sweat can hardly do anything to counter the effects of sitting on my behind the whole day at work.

“It’s not worth our while to let our imperfections disturb us always.” -― Henry David Thoreau

This is clearly a case of emotional eating.  I will have a nice delicious meal of salmon, brown rice and broccoli and then immediately after, when I know I am not hungry, I will be looking for a snack. Why?

I am trying to look into it deeper than to just think that I am in a lazy rut and need to snap out of it.  I am thinking that this is perhaps a defense mechanism.  Perhaps if I get fatter and hate my body so much I will feel too ashamed to ever be naked in front of anyone.  If I am too embarrassed to be naked in front of someone than I will avoid actually meeting someone.  Is this a warped way that my mind has found to protect my heart?

Clearly I am full of theories but have no answers.  But I have powerful allies on my side: the gift of faith and redemption. We have been blessed with the continuity of life, with the gift of life.  With each new breath we can reinvent and recreate ourselves.  Each new morning presents a new opportunity to try again.  We don’t have to be stuck on the mistakes of the past.  This crazy cycle doesn’t have to continue.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” ― Maya Angelou

I just need to get into my head that one little misstep doesn’t mean the battle is over.  I just need to put one foot in front of another, hold my head high and move forward.  I shall not feel disheartened by steps backwards either.  Sometimes we need one or more steps backwards to shake us out of our comfort zone, to wake us up.

This was a very hard post to write.  Harder still to post it.  I am a very strong Aries woman, I feel blessed and I choose to be happy.  I have it all together, for the most part.  I have a life that many would envy, so to acknowledge weakness is painful.  But, as they say in AA, acknowledging I have a problem is the first step.  So hello All, I have an issue with food!  Now I get to raise my sleeves and get to work in dealing with it.  I now get to prove what I am really made of.

The people that have a normal, healthy relationship with food may not understand this post, me and my weakness with food, the same way I don’t quite grasp people with issues with alcohol and drugs or perhaps an abusive relationship. I have never tried drugs, I am perfectly content with just one glass of wine and the moment somebody raises their voice or hand I am out of there. It seems so easy to say:  Just don’t do it, just stay away from it! But it is not that simple, we are all addicts, we just use different drugs to numb our pain.  For some reason or another we let something, some substance to control us.

But what is this pain? What is this hunger?  How do I find its source and go about conquering? Slowly, one breath at a time, with stumbles and falls and with the grace and help from God(Universe, Light, Powerful Being, etc)

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. – Mother Teresa

 

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

If I meet another man that has lied about his age or height in his online dating profile I am going to scream and pull my hair out. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH, just picture me screaming and pulling my hair out… yes I just met another one!!

This guy listed his age as 43 years old.  But his picture betrayed him.  He was sporting a full head of completely white hair. I thought by his picture he was at least 55.  He sent me a message and we started chatting. After a few back and forth messages I asked him how old he was.  He said 52.  He said it in a way that it seemed very matter of fact.  There was no explanation, no apology, no reason given for that discrepancy between the profile and reality.

Has this become the norm? I thought it was kind of expected for a woman to shave a few years off of her age, but a man?  and almost 10 years? It doesn’t seem very manly to me!

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive.”  ― Walter Scott

He is not the first liar I have encountered and I am sure he will not be the last.  Some of the guys have acted embarrassed and apologetic about this lie.  Most have a problem with my calling it a lie.   They try to explain it as this being a necessity since they think they look younger for their age.  Well, I hate to break it to them, they don’t!

Others say that they were being contacted by women that were very old so they put a younger age for searching purposes.  Well, that is equally bad, since it tells me they want to be contacted by much younger women instead of women their own age.

Most stress the fact that this is a matter of marketing.  I believe in marketing and I know that online dating involves some of it. We have to make ourselves look good so that we get contacted by potential mates.  I forgive some embellishing, but shaving almost 10 years and sometimes more from your age is not creative marketing, to me it is deceptive advertisement.  I think that there are laws against it.  I guess Buyer Beware is the Modus Operandi when it comes to online dating.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

I do approach my online profile as advertisement because that is what it is.  I do try to put my best foot forward and show my best features, but everything in there is real, including my age, height and body type.  I used to have my body type listed as Average, but I have changed it to Extra Few Pounds.   I want to lose anywhere from 10 to 20 pounds so that to me makes my body type a Few Extra Pounds.  I want to be told the whole truth and decide for myself and  feel that someone contacting me should have the same right.

It is all a matter of perception! Just this perception of a lie is enough to turn me off.  I want a real man!! Real about his age, real about his height.  If you think I am going to meet you and fall in love and forget that you shaved many years from your age and many inches from your height, you are totally clueless.

Being older and shorter than me are not grounds for me to disqualify you from my search, but lying about it is!  If you are lying about your age, what else are you lying about? Would I ever be able to trust you?  What else are you willing to fudge about?

So, is it marketing or deception?

Because something has become a norm, an acceptable practice, it doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t make me have to accept it.

Since I have changed my profile from Average to Extra Few Pounds I have been getting 90% less messages.   My pictures are there the same way they were before, so I find it funny that a simple label has made such a difference.  But that is just fine with me.  I believe in quality and not quantity. If a guy cannot accept my extra few pounds then he is not the guy for me any way.

 “Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.” ― Jane Austen

A snob is out and about

23 Friday May 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Life continues to be amazing!  I am just so happy to be alive and to be able to continue to remain upbeat and positive even when facing adversities,  no matter how big or small.  A positive attitude makes all the difference.  Even a forced smile can change a day around.  I fell like welcoming challenges so I can rise upon them (yes I am crazy like that some times)

After Mom left I spent a couple of quiet weeks, now I am back trying to get out of the house.  I am just so content staying in my apartment that sometimes it takes a real effort to get out of the house. I love having all the curtains closed, I love the dark.  Even I find that strange for someone as upbeat as me.  I find safety in the dark.

“Get busy living or get busy dying.” – Shawshank Redemption

In the past several days I have hardly been home though.  I have seen Kinky Boots on Broadway.  I thought the show could have been a little better.  Then again, I have seen a lot shows and have high expectations.  After I that I had dinner at Triomphe, a French restaurant.  The food was great, but not amazing.  I wouldn’t go back based on the food alone.  The staff and service were impeccable, so I would definitely go back based on that.  I think truffle oil is over rated!

I went to Jazz Standards and saw the Steven Kroon Sextet. They were awesome and extremely talented.   Before the jazz I had dinner at Blue Smoke, the BBQ place next door. The ribs were delicious.  I could have the Warm barbecue Potato Chips with blue cheese and bacon dip every single day of my life (and I don’t even care for blue cheese) – they were crazy good.   I was a bit disappointed when the dessert menu came. I noticed that the Sticky Toffee Pudding cake was absent.  The waiter explained that they take it off of the menu for the summer. 🙂 I was so disappointed I decide not to get anything.  Oh well, I guess I have to go back in the winter!

I also had dinner at a few different restaurants in my town.  All different cuisines: Mexican, Peruvian, Italian and Indian.  All awesome and within walking distance from my apartment.  I am a lucky girl!  My outings were a combination of entertaining clients, being with friends, and dates.

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” ― Rita Rudner

There were 3 dates in total. All 3 very different from each other but all great guys.  I didn’t click on a romantic level with any of them.  I wouldn’t mind seeing them again as friends, but nothing else.

At my last date I found out I can be a snob.  My date chose to skip the knife and use his fingers to scoop the food onto the fork.  That annoyed me.  But…I am pmsing big time so every little thing annoys me. I think that if we had clicked perhaps I would have been more forgiving.  Perhaps I should stay away from meeting new people in the middle of PMS.

I felt really bad for being so focused on that and not on the real important things!  I should be looking in the qualities that matter…and I know what they are!  Instead all I can remember about the date was his way of using the utensils! I used this opportunity to look at my own way of eating.  After all it is normally the case that we are guilty of hating in others what we ourselves are guilty of doing.   Truth is I love touching my food and don’t mind picking things up with my fingers (I do use a knife though when necessary though, and don’t push food on the fork with my fingers).

“A judgmental heart keeps listening to the things that annoy.” “― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Another thing that came to mind is that perhaps I am, once again, trying to sabotage possible relationships.  Am I looking for things wrong so I don’t have to get involved again?  I say I want a relationship, but do I really? Why didn’t we click?  He was the guy that I had the most fun with, did I choose not to click?

I am so comfortable alone. I have been enjoying my freedom so much.  I am also thinking I am going as far as avoiding exercising and I am eating all the wrong stuff so that those pesky 10/15 extra pounds continue to stay around and ward off potential mates.  Who wants to be naked in front of a new guy with extra pounds?? Not me!!

And the learning and growing continues…

Here is to becoming aware of and confronting our actions,  patterns and emotions that may be holding us back!

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

 

 

Where is my baby?

12 Monday May 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” ― Abraham Lincoln

I wish all the mothers out there a wonderful Mother’s Day! May your patience be rewarded!

On dates such as this I remember how blessed I am to have my mother. I am grateful for her and for still having her around. It is not a perfect relationship, we have issues as all families do, but we love each other and we are always there for each other.

But I must confess, there is nothing like Mother’s Day to highlight that I am childless. It seems my life has skipped a whole section, the section where I get married and raise kids. Where is the cute baby that should be in my arms? Where is the trouble making teenager that I need to discipline?

oh well, I never really heard my biological clock ticking, it is just that every now and then the idea of a baby pops up in my mind. There is no regret, just the feeling that perhaps I am missing something. I always wanted to adopt. I talk about that since I was 10 years old. As I got older I thought I would have a partner that would adopt with me.  To adopt a child alone doesn’t seem fair to the child, specially since I would have to continue to work and leave the child in daycare.  In which case,  what would be the point of adopting a child to leave him/her for others to raise?

I am happy to say that the childless feeling doesn’t last for more than a couple of minutes. It is replaced by this certainty that God has a plan and that everything is as it should be.  All I need to do is look at all the blessings in my life to realize how truly blessed I am.  I am following the path I was intended to follow. Always learning, always growing!

“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

Having the last laugh!

01 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in Daily Life

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Racism is no laughing matter but I believe Brazilian soccer player Dani Alves had the last laugh when facing a racist situation.

Dani plays for Barcelona and was playing in Spain against the Villareal. As he was about to kick a corner someone threw a banana at him.  He got it  from the ground, peeled and took a bite out of it.  This spontaneous gesture united soccer fans and players around the globe in support.

They all have been posting pictures with bananas with the tag #somostodosmacacos (#weareallmonkeys)

Here is the video:

I think he showed class and humor, two things very important at times of conflict.  Some are not happy that he acted so nonchalantly, but I think his response was brilliant.  First, he didn’t waste food and bananas are very healthy (later at a press conference he said his Dad always told him to eat bananas to prevent leg cramps 🙂 ).  Second, he didn’t allow the banana thrower to accomplish his objective which was to anger and hurt (emotionally) him.  Barcelona was losing the game at that point 1-2, and went on to win 3-2.

The Villareal found the fan that threw the banana and banned him for life from the stadium.

It is sad to realize that at this day and age and with all the advancements that humankind has been able to achieve, racism, and discrimination of any kind, is still alive and well.  We know a lot and still we know nothing.  This is the sporting world, but what about all the daily acts of discrimination that goes unnoticed?  Perhaps I have been guilty of them also.  It is a good time for me to look around and see what I can do and also look inward at my own hidden prejudices.

I am not talking about crying and complaining about every little thing, as everything lately seems to be politically incorrect.  I am talking about being more human and putting ourselves in our brothers/sister’s shoes.

Here is to acting smart and triumphing with class and finesse!  Lets celebrate our differences instead of having them tore us apart.  We are all the same and each one of us uniquely special!

 

 

Way to go Delta!

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life

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Delta

On Friday night I took my Mom to JFK Airport in NY for her flight back to Brazil.  She was travelling on Delta Airlines out of their Terminal 4.  Delta’ s Terminal 4 is new and checking in is very efficient.  The wait time was under 5 minutes.

For some reason I was more nervous than my Mom this trip, and I wasn’t even travelling.  I feared Delta would not allow me to accompany her to the gate.  She looks amazing for her age (79 years), and she is normally a dynamo but the truth is she gets nervous and confused when travelling.  It doesn’t help that she knows little English.  Normally when I ask to accompany her they say no and want to put her in a wheelchair.  It would be a great idea if she accepted that suggestion, but she doesn’t.  She gets offended and hurt; after all she is able to walk.  I can understand how she feels now that I am starting to feel the years in me.

I explained the situation to the agent, well truth is, it involved more than explaining, it involved a lot begging and pleading.  I made sure to mention that I am a SkyMiles Silver Medallion (not a big deal, but something) and the proud owner of a Platinum Delta American Express (again not a big deal but it shows my support for the Delta brand.  I also let the agent know that Delta is my airline of choice, which is!

The agent, after some consideration gave me a gate pass.  I wanted to go over the counter and hug and kiss her, but I think that would not go over well, so I mentioned how much it meant to me and profusely thanked her.  One would think she just handed me a winning lottery ticket.  To me being able to accompany my mother and provide her with peace of mind is priceless.   She always fears gate changes and delays and missing the announcements.

We go through security, which for some reason they put us in a line where it is not necessary the removal of shoes and jackets and standing in the x-ray with your arms up.  We feel extra lucky.

We find the right gate, Gate 37.  We seat and get comfortable as we know we have over 2 hours to kill as we are always at the airport many hours in advance.

After 20 minutes I hear an announcement that the gate has changed from Gate 37 to Gate 22, and the flight time from 9:29 to 11pm.  Mom had no idea that whatever they were saying was about her flight.  That is exactly the reason why I like taking her to the gate.

We find gate 22 and sit down, knowing that we will have a long wait ahead of us.

I am probably one of the most understanding passengers as delays and changes to not bother me.   Of course they are annoying but they do not mess up my day and my mood.   Delays and other issues happen to any airline, what set airlines apart are how they handle those occurrences.

Delta is not perfect and at the end of this post I will mention an area that I think needs improvement, but how they handled this delay I think it was awesome.

What I applaud Delta on was making sure that the passengers were comfortable and well-informed (ok there is the language issue that I will be mentioning at the end, but they tried).  They let the passengers know that the reason for the delay was the waiting for a part for the windshield wiper that was en-route from Atlanta.  I am not a big fan of being told exactly what the delay is when it involves something mechanical but that is just me.  I know most people want to know all details and perhaps there is  some kind of law that say that airlines must have full disclosure.

What was surprisingly and welcoming was all the food and beverages they gave to passengers, and how gracious they were when anyone had a question.  For what was supposed to be a less than 2 hours delay I expected nothing.  So getting snacks was a treat!  It also made me suspicious that perhaps we were looking at a delay that would be much longer than 2 hours.  (The flight time changed to 11: 30 later. I think they started boarding at about 11, and it took off after midnight)

They set out a cart with all kinds of beverages and another cart with all kinds of snacks, such as crackers, chips, granola bars, cookies, candy.  Later they passed a basket with chocolate (always a winner in my book).  Later they offered a delicious ham, cheese and arugula sandwich, fresh and delicious.  By then I had already over indulged on the snacks so I took mine home and ate the next day.  They also gave passengers playing cards.

Perhaps airlines are waking up and realizing that a little can go a long way.  In the 30 years I have been traveling there were plenty of delays and I don’t remember ever getting offered anything.

My mother told me that after she had boarded the plane they continued their awesome customer service trying to make passengers comfortable by offering extra pillows and blankets, etc.  My mother was sleeping at the time the dinner was served, but later the flight attendant made sure to check on her and see if she wanted her dinner.  And in the morning when she refused breakfast he once again showed his concern.  She felt special.

As her daughter I am grateful for the extra care.  As a passenger I feel valued!  I care that my mother had a wonderful experience traveling with Delta, even though in the end, the delay (waiting to board and in the plane) was 3 hours.

One area needs to be improved though.  Delta needs to get a Portuguese speaking person to be at the counter during the boarding.  Most of the time they don’t have anyone and there is always an issue with a passenger, and in those occasions another passenger needs to step in to help with translation.  On this one occasion they had a passenger make the announcements.  Her Portuguese was awful. I don’t even think she spoke Portuguese, I think she spoke Spanish.  The effort is appreciated but it is just not professional and not what is expected from an airline of this caliber.

Brazilians are travelling more and more overseas (as opposed to a few years ago when a trip on a plane anywhere was just for the rich).  I venture a guess that 90% of the people traveling to Brazil on Delta flights are Brazilian.  A lot of them don’t speak English, so it just makes good business sense to ensure that when they travel next they will think of Delta.

At the end of the day what my mother and I remember most is not the delay or the lack of Portuguese, but the caring attitude of the personnel.  It is not about the food that they served, but it is the message that it sent.  It told passengers:  we care about you and we are trying to make an unpleasant situation better.

Way to go Delta!  I applaud you on the continued improvement in customer service.  You continue to be my airline of choice!

Still talking about Ex after all this time!

24 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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My feet in Brazilian soil with my favorite flower

My feet in Brazilian soil with my favorite flower

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” ― Pema Chödrön

Between the NFA and the CFTC I am going crazy at work.  There are so many new regulations (aimed at banks) that non-banks like us need to comply with that is making so hard to continue to be in business.  The worst part is that, they themselves don’t seem to know what they want.  All these regulations are doing is putting small companies out of business.  We are still around, but it has not been easy.   It has been an exercise in calm and patience, breath in, breath out.  🙂

IN DIFFICULT MOMENTS, BEHAVE LIKE A DUCK…     Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away underneath! (not sure who said it)

**

My Mom is in town, as I have mentioned, so I have shopped, gambled and ate in excess.  I have a whole new wardrobe, some extra pounds on my body and less dollars in my wallet, but I don’t care as long as Mom is happy!  The moment she leaves I am back to fish and brown rice, no casino and no shopping!

“To be happy, make others happy.” ― Stephen Richards

**

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.” ― Albert Einstein

Life progresses…there are moments of internal unrest…an uneasy feeling, something off, something missing.  I see those moments as a wake-up call.  They tell me that there are a lot more learning and growing to do.  Comfort creates complacency.  Nothing great has been created out of people being too comfortable in their situations.   I confess:  I get lazy.  I, like we all, have so much potential, and yet some days it is just easier to sit on the couch and watch lives being lived, instead of getting out there and living my own life.

At these turbulent times I try to be as active as I can, physically and mentally.  Accomplishing things makes me feel motivated to accomplish even more.   I also stop and reflect on how blessed I am in all aspects of my life.  Focusing on the good is a wonderful way to feel centered and in control of my life.

Control!  At the end of the day I think it all boils down to that for me.

Perhaps, at this moment, this internal unrest is called PMS and it sucks!! L

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  ― Rainer Maria Rilke

***

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

Now getting to the real topic: my writing about the not so ex Ex!

I fear boring you, reader, with my never ending writing about Ex.  I am frankly tired of thinking and writing about Ex and fear you are probably sick of reading about it too.

What do I do?  Should I stop writing about him and give you the impression that he is just a long lost memory? Or should I continue to write about him and bore you to tears? Perhaps worst than boring you I fear giving you the incorrect impression that I am this weak, needy, lonely soul.  I am a strong, self-sufficient and happy soul, but I do struggle with letting go of Ex and the life I had with him.

This blog was created as an outlet for my heartache.  It was a way of having a voice and letting my frustrations out.  Then, you reader, you became my friend.  I want to please, inspire, motivate, and make you laugh.  How do I accomplish both things, pleasing you and pleasing me?

I don’t know.

This blog is about my life, and above all, my heart, and unfortunately Ex continues to figure in it.  I will continue to write as my heart dictates, for better or worse.  I am sorry readers if I bore you with my thoughts of ex.  I am sorry I am not this amazing person that was able to so readily and happily able to let him go.  On the other hand, you get truth, ugly and all.

My life is amazing, and Ex is a part of it, even if I dislike that part.  So the best course of action is to make peace with it.  I need to stop thinking that miraculously I will wake up one day and no longer think of him.  It is a daily struggle.

Memories of him will come and go, like memories of anything in my life, good and bad.  I will treasure the good ones and I will let go of the bad ones.  There is no deadline to stop thinking of him.  It gets easier.  It has gotten easier.

I hope you continue to come and read and indulge me while I, once in a while, wallow in self-pity.  Feel free to set me straight – somebody has to!

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli,