“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
How do I move on from a mistake? That is the question that has been the topic of most of my thoughts lately. I am not talking about Ex, relationships mistakes or anything like that. on a side note, I am getting up and doing a happy dance right now for realizing that Ex no longer populates my thoughts and controls my actions. Has the big day finally come that I am free from him? oh I smell another topic coming. lol
I am talking about little daily actions that amount to big disappointments. I am talking about little mistakes that normally would not mean much, but it accumulates to the point of disaster. I am talking about my actions in regards to diet and exercise lately. It has been a roller-coaster of little accomplishments and broken promises. I am talking about
I normally say I am the easiest and most forgiving person on myself, but lately I am wondering if the opposite is not more of the truth. My little sabotaging ways could actually signal that I don’t really like myself. Otherwise, why persist on behavior that is damaging to myself?
Last night I had a cupcake the size of my head and didn’t exercise. I had had half a huge cupcake and immediately was mad with myself. The smart and right thing to do was to say to myself: ok, that was not smart, but it is not the end of the world. Now get up and do at least a few minutes on the elliptical or go for a walk, something active. But NO, what I did was to feel miserable and to feel like all had gone to hell in a hand-basket. And since all had gone to hell I may as well have the rest of the cupcake. So I did, while sitting on the couch and watching TV.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” – ― Gautama Buddha
I seem to be having more and more episodes like that, where I know what I should do but I don’t do it. Are those the actions of someone that loves themselves? It doesn’t seem so. I am not saying I don’t love myself, I do, well I hope I do. I am saying that I need to look more into my actions and their consequences.
All of a sudden I seem to have embarked into this love affair with food. What is up with that? I always loved sugar, but now that love is out of control, and it has traveled beyond the usual chocolate, it seems I am attracted to anything unhealthy. It is becoming an obsession.
I overeat or eat something that is not good for me, then I promise myself to do better next day and what do I do the next day? I repeat this damaging pattern. I keep doing it again, not exactly the same actions, but the same results. I will overindulge in some calorie laden treat and then no exercise or exercise very little. The result has been disatrous. I see it on the scale and in my mood and attitude. I have returned to tennis lesson despite my nagging hip, but 1 hour a week of real sweat can hardly do anything to counter the effects of sitting on my behind the whole day at work.
“It’s not worth our while to let our imperfections disturb us always.” -― Henry David Thoreau
This is clearly a case of emotional eating. I will have a nice delicious meal of salmon, brown rice and broccoli and then immediately after, when I know I am not hungry, I will be looking for a snack. Why?
I am trying to look into it deeper than to just think that I am in a lazy rut and need to snap out of it. I am thinking that this is perhaps a defense mechanism. Perhaps if I get fatter and hate my body so much I will feel too ashamed to ever be naked in front of anyone. If I am too embarrassed to be naked in front of someone than I will avoid actually meeting someone. Is this a warped way that my mind has found to protect my heart?
Clearly I am full of theories but have no answers. But I have powerful allies on my side: the gift of faith and redemption. We have been blessed with the continuity of life, with the gift of life. With each new breath we can reinvent and recreate ourselves. Each new morning presents a new opportunity to try again. We don’t have to be stuck on the mistakes of the past. This crazy cycle doesn’t have to continue.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” ― Maya Angelou
I just need to get into my head that one little misstep doesn’t mean the battle is over. I just need to put one foot in front of another, hold my head high and move forward. I shall not feel disheartened by steps backwards either. Sometimes we need one or more steps backwards to shake us out of our comfort zone, to wake us up.
This was a very hard post to write. Harder still to post it. I am a very strong Aries woman, I feel blessed and I choose to be happy. I have it all together, for the most part. I have a life that many would envy, so to acknowledge weakness is painful. But, as they say in AA, acknowledging I have a problem is the first step. So hello All, I have an issue with food! Now I get to raise my sleeves and get to work in dealing with it. I now get to prove what I am really made of.
The people that have a normal, healthy relationship with food may not understand this post, me and my weakness with food, the same way I don’t quite grasp people with issues with alcohol and drugs or perhaps an abusive relationship. I have never tried drugs, I am perfectly content with just one glass of wine and the moment somebody raises their voice or hand I am out of there. It seems so easy to say: Just don’t do it, just stay away from it! But it is not that simple, we are all addicts, we just use different drugs to numb our pain. For some reason or another we let something, some substance to control us.
But what is this pain? What is this hunger? How do I find its source and go about conquering? Slowly, one breath at a time, with stumbles and falls and with the grace and help from God(Universe, Light, Powerful Being, etc)