Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Where there is Faith, all is not lost!

08 Sunday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

How do I move on from a mistake?  That is the question that has been the topic of most of my thoughts lately. I am not talking about Ex, relationships mistakes or anything like that.  on a side note, I am getting up and doing a happy dance right now for realizing that Ex no longer populates my thoughts and controls my actions. Has the big day finally come that I am free from him?  oh I smell another topic coming. lol

I am talking about little daily actions that amount to big disappointments.  I am talking about little mistakes that normally would not mean much, but it accumulates to the point of disaster.  I am talking about my actions in regards to diet and exercise lately.  It has been a roller-coaster of little accomplishments and broken promises. I am talking about

I normally say I am the easiest and most forgiving person on myself, but lately I am wondering if the opposite is not more of the truth.  My little sabotaging ways could actually signal that I don’t really like myself.  Otherwise, why persist on behavior that is damaging to myself?

Last night I had a cupcake the size of my head and didn’t exercise.  I had had half a huge cupcake and immediately was mad with myself.  The smart and right thing to do was to say to myself: ok, that was not smart, but it is not the end of the world. Now get up and do at least a few minutes on the elliptical or go for a walk, something active.  But NO,  what I did was to feel miserable and to feel like all had gone to hell in a hand-basket.  And since all had gone to hell I may as well have the rest of the cupcake. So I did, while sitting on the couch and watching TV.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” – ― Gautama Buddha

I seem to be having more and more episodes like that, where I know what I should do but I don’t do it. Are those the actions of someone that loves themselves?  It doesn’t seem so.  I am not saying I don’t love myself, I do, well I hope I do.  I am saying that I need to look more into my actions and their consequences.

All of a sudden I seem to have embarked into this love affair with food.  What is up with that?  I always loved sugar, but now that love is out of control, and it has traveled beyond the usual chocolate, it seems I am attracted to anything unhealthy.  It is becoming an obsession.

I overeat or eat something that is not good for me, then I promise myself to do better next day and what do I do the next day?  I repeat this damaging pattern. I keep doing it again, not exactly the same actions, but the same results. I will overindulge in some calorie laden treat and then no exercise or exercise very little. The result has been disatrous. I see it on the scale and in my mood and attitude.  I have returned to tennis lesson despite my nagging hip, but 1 hour a week of real sweat can hardly do anything to counter the effects of sitting on my behind the whole day at work.

“It’s not worth our while to let our imperfections disturb us always.” -― Henry David Thoreau

This is clearly a case of emotional eating.  I will have a nice delicious meal of salmon, brown rice and broccoli and then immediately after, when I know I am not hungry, I will be looking for a snack. Why?

I am trying to look into it deeper than to just think that I am in a lazy rut and need to snap out of it.  I am thinking that this is perhaps a defense mechanism.  Perhaps if I get fatter and hate my body so much I will feel too ashamed to ever be naked in front of anyone.  If I am too embarrassed to be naked in front of someone than I will avoid actually meeting someone.  Is this a warped way that my mind has found to protect my heart?

Clearly I am full of theories but have no answers.  But I have powerful allies on my side: the gift of faith and redemption. We have been blessed with the continuity of life, with the gift of life.  With each new breath we can reinvent and recreate ourselves.  Each new morning presents a new opportunity to try again.  We don’t have to be stuck on the mistakes of the past.  This crazy cycle doesn’t have to continue.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” ― Maya Angelou

I just need to get into my head that one little misstep doesn’t mean the battle is over.  I just need to put one foot in front of another, hold my head high and move forward.  I shall not feel disheartened by steps backwards either.  Sometimes we need one or more steps backwards to shake us out of our comfort zone, to wake us up.

This was a very hard post to write.  Harder still to post it.  I am a very strong Aries woman, I feel blessed and I choose to be happy.  I have it all together, for the most part.  I have a life that many would envy, so to acknowledge weakness is painful.  But, as they say in AA, acknowledging I have a problem is the first step.  So hello All, I have an issue with food!  Now I get to raise my sleeves and get to work in dealing with it.  I now get to prove what I am really made of.

The people that have a normal, healthy relationship with food may not understand this post, me and my weakness with food, the same way I don’t quite grasp people with issues with alcohol and drugs or perhaps an abusive relationship. I have never tried drugs, I am perfectly content with just one glass of wine and the moment somebody raises their voice or hand I am out of there. It seems so easy to say:  Just don’t do it, just stay away from it! But it is not that simple, we are all addicts, we just use different drugs to numb our pain.  For some reason or another we let something, some substance to control us.

But what is this pain? What is this hunger?  How do I find its source and go about conquering? Slowly, one breath at a time, with stumbles and falls and with the grace and help from God(Universe, Light, Powerful Being, etc)

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. – Mother Teresa

 

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

If I meet another man that has lied about his age or height in his online dating profile I am going to scream and pull my hair out. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH, just picture me screaming and pulling my hair out… yes I just met another one!!

This guy listed his age as 43 years old.  But his picture betrayed him.  He was sporting a full head of completely white hair. I thought by his picture he was at least 55.  He sent me a message and we started chatting. After a few back and forth messages I asked him how old he was.  He said 52.  He said it in a way that it seemed very matter of fact.  There was no explanation, no apology, no reason given for that discrepancy between the profile and reality.

Has this become the norm? I thought it was kind of expected for a woman to shave a few years off of her age, but a man?  and almost 10 years? It doesn’t seem very manly to me!

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive.”  ― Walter Scott

He is not the first liar I have encountered and I am sure he will not be the last.  Some of the guys have acted embarrassed and apologetic about this lie.  Most have a problem with my calling it a lie.   They try to explain it as this being a necessity since they think they look younger for their age.  Well, I hate to break it to them, they don’t!

Others say that they were being contacted by women that were very old so they put a younger age for searching purposes.  Well, that is equally bad, since it tells me they want to be contacted by much younger women instead of women their own age.

Most stress the fact that this is a matter of marketing.  I believe in marketing and I know that online dating involves some of it. We have to make ourselves look good so that we get contacted by potential mates.  I forgive some embellishing, but shaving almost 10 years and sometimes more from your age is not creative marketing, to me it is deceptive advertisement.  I think that there are laws against it.  I guess Buyer Beware is the Modus Operandi when it comes to online dating.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

I do approach my online profile as advertisement because that is what it is.  I do try to put my best foot forward and show my best features, but everything in there is real, including my age, height and body type.  I used to have my body type listed as Average, but I have changed it to Extra Few Pounds.   I want to lose anywhere from 10 to 20 pounds so that to me makes my body type a Few Extra Pounds.  I want to be told the whole truth and decide for myself and  feel that someone contacting me should have the same right.

It is all a matter of perception! Just this perception of a lie is enough to turn me off.  I want a real man!! Real about his age, real about his height.  If you think I am going to meet you and fall in love and forget that you shaved many years from your age and many inches from your height, you are totally clueless.

Being older and shorter than me are not grounds for me to disqualify you from my search, but lying about it is!  If you are lying about your age, what else are you lying about? Would I ever be able to trust you?  What else are you willing to fudge about?

So, is it marketing or deception?

Because something has become a norm, an acceptable practice, it doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t make me have to accept it.

Since I have changed my profile from Average to Extra Few Pounds I have been getting 90% less messages.   My pictures are there the same way they were before, so I find it funny that a simple label has made such a difference.  But that is just fine with me.  I believe in quality and not quantity. If a guy cannot accept my extra few pounds then he is not the guy for me any way.

 “Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.” ― Jane Austen

A snob is out and about

23 Friday May 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Life continues to be amazing!  I am just so happy to be alive and to be able to continue to remain upbeat and positive even when facing adversities,  no matter how big or small.  A positive attitude makes all the difference.  Even a forced smile can change a day around.  I fell like welcoming challenges so I can rise upon them (yes I am crazy like that some times)

After Mom left I spent a couple of quiet weeks, now I am back trying to get out of the house.  I am just so content staying in my apartment that sometimes it takes a real effort to get out of the house. I love having all the curtains closed, I love the dark.  Even I find that strange for someone as upbeat as me.  I find safety in the dark.

“Get busy living or get busy dying.” – Shawshank Redemption

In the past several days I have hardly been home though.  I have seen Kinky Boots on Broadway.  I thought the show could have been a little better.  Then again, I have seen a lot shows and have high expectations.  After I that I had dinner at Triomphe, a French restaurant.  The food was great, but not amazing.  I wouldn’t go back based on the food alone.  The staff and service were impeccable, so I would definitely go back based on that.  I think truffle oil is over rated!

I went to Jazz Standards and saw the Steven Kroon Sextet. They were awesome and extremely talented.   Before the jazz I had dinner at Blue Smoke, the BBQ place next door. The ribs were delicious.  I could have the Warm barbecue Potato Chips with blue cheese and bacon dip every single day of my life (and I don’t even care for blue cheese) – they were crazy good.   I was a bit disappointed when the dessert menu came. I noticed that the Sticky Toffee Pudding cake was absent.  The waiter explained that they take it off of the menu for the summer. 🙂 I was so disappointed I decide not to get anything.  Oh well, I guess I have to go back in the winter!

I also had dinner at a few different restaurants in my town.  All different cuisines: Mexican, Peruvian, Italian and Indian.  All awesome and within walking distance from my apartment.  I am a lucky girl!  My outings were a combination of entertaining clients, being with friends, and dates.

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” ― Rita Rudner

There were 3 dates in total. All 3 very different from each other but all great guys.  I didn’t click on a romantic level with any of them.  I wouldn’t mind seeing them again as friends, but nothing else.

At my last date I found out I can be a snob.  My date chose to skip the knife and use his fingers to scoop the food onto the fork.  That annoyed me.  But…I am pmsing big time so every little thing annoys me. I think that if we had clicked perhaps I would have been more forgiving.  Perhaps I should stay away from meeting new people in the middle of PMS.

I felt really bad for being so focused on that and not on the real important things!  I should be looking in the qualities that matter…and I know what they are!  Instead all I can remember about the date was his way of using the utensils! I used this opportunity to look at my own way of eating.  After all it is normally the case that we are guilty of hating in others what we ourselves are guilty of doing.   Truth is I love touching my food and don’t mind picking things up with my fingers (I do use a knife though when necessary though, and don’t push food on the fork with my fingers).

“A judgmental heart keeps listening to the things that annoy.” “― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Another thing that came to mind is that perhaps I am, once again, trying to sabotage possible relationships.  Am I looking for things wrong so I don’t have to get involved again?  I say I want a relationship, but do I really? Why didn’t we click?  He was the guy that I had the most fun with, did I choose not to click?

I am so comfortable alone. I have been enjoying my freedom so much.  I am also thinking I am going as far as avoiding exercising and I am eating all the wrong stuff so that those pesky 10/15 extra pounds continue to stay around and ward off potential mates.  Who wants to be naked in front of a new guy with extra pounds?? Not me!!

And the learning and growing continues…

Here is to becoming aware of and confronting our actions,  patterns and emotions that may be holding us back!

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

 

 

Where is my baby?

12 Monday May 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” ― Abraham Lincoln

I wish all the mothers out there a wonderful Mother’s Day! May your patience be rewarded!

On dates such as this I remember how blessed I am to have my mother. I am grateful for her and for still having her around. It is not a perfect relationship, we have issues as all families do, but we love each other and we are always there for each other.

But I must confess, there is nothing like Mother’s Day to highlight that I am childless. It seems my life has skipped a whole section, the section where I get married and raise kids. Where is the cute baby that should be in my arms? Where is the trouble making teenager that I need to discipline?

oh well, I never really heard my biological clock ticking, it is just that every now and then the idea of a baby pops up in my mind. There is no regret, just the feeling that perhaps I am missing something. I always wanted to adopt. I talk about that since I was 10 years old. As I got older I thought I would have a partner that would adopt with me.  To adopt a child alone doesn’t seem fair to the child, specially since I would have to continue to work and leave the child in daycare.  In which case,  what would be the point of adopting a child to leave him/her for others to raise?

I am happy to say that the childless feeling doesn’t last for more than a couple of minutes. It is replaced by this certainty that God has a plan and that everything is as it should be.  All I need to do is look at all the blessings in my life to realize how truly blessed I am.  I am following the path I was intended to follow. Always learning, always growing!

“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

Still talking about Ex after all this time!

24 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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My feet in Brazilian soil with my favorite flower

My feet in Brazilian soil with my favorite flower

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” ― Pema Chödrön

Between the NFA and the CFTC I am going crazy at work.  There are so many new regulations (aimed at banks) that non-banks like us need to comply with that is making so hard to continue to be in business.  The worst part is that, they themselves don’t seem to know what they want.  All these regulations are doing is putting small companies out of business.  We are still around, but it has not been easy.   It has been an exercise in calm and patience, breath in, breath out.  🙂

IN DIFFICULT MOMENTS, BEHAVE LIKE A DUCK…     Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away underneath! (not sure who said it)

**

My Mom is in town, as I have mentioned, so I have shopped, gambled and ate in excess.  I have a whole new wardrobe, some extra pounds on my body and less dollars in my wallet, but I don’t care as long as Mom is happy!  The moment she leaves I am back to fish and brown rice, no casino and no shopping!

“To be happy, make others happy.” ― Stephen Richards

**

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.” ― Albert Einstein

Life progresses…there are moments of internal unrest…an uneasy feeling, something off, something missing.  I see those moments as a wake-up call.  They tell me that there are a lot more learning and growing to do.  Comfort creates complacency.  Nothing great has been created out of people being too comfortable in their situations.   I confess:  I get lazy.  I, like we all, have so much potential, and yet some days it is just easier to sit on the couch and watch lives being lived, instead of getting out there and living my own life.

At these turbulent times I try to be as active as I can, physically and mentally.  Accomplishing things makes me feel motivated to accomplish even more.   I also stop and reflect on how blessed I am in all aspects of my life.  Focusing on the good is a wonderful way to feel centered and in control of my life.

Control!  At the end of the day I think it all boils down to that for me.

Perhaps, at this moment, this internal unrest is called PMS and it sucks!! L

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  ― Rainer Maria Rilke

***

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

Now getting to the real topic: my writing about the not so ex Ex!

I fear boring you, reader, with my never ending writing about Ex.  I am frankly tired of thinking and writing about Ex and fear you are probably sick of reading about it too.

What do I do?  Should I stop writing about him and give you the impression that he is just a long lost memory? Or should I continue to write about him and bore you to tears? Perhaps worst than boring you I fear giving you the incorrect impression that I am this weak, needy, lonely soul.  I am a strong, self-sufficient and happy soul, but I do struggle with letting go of Ex and the life I had with him.

This blog was created as an outlet for my heartache.  It was a way of having a voice and letting my frustrations out.  Then, you reader, you became my friend.  I want to please, inspire, motivate, and make you laugh.  How do I accomplish both things, pleasing you and pleasing me?

I don’t know.

This blog is about my life, and above all, my heart, and unfortunately Ex continues to figure in it.  I will continue to write as my heart dictates, for better or worse.  I am sorry readers if I bore you with my thoughts of ex.  I am sorry I am not this amazing person that was able to so readily and happily able to let him go.  On the other hand, you get truth, ugly and all.

My life is amazing, and Ex is a part of it, even if I dislike that part.  So the best course of action is to make peace with it.  I need to stop thinking that miraculously I will wake up one day and no longer think of him.  It is a daily struggle.

Memories of him will come and go, like memories of anything in my life, good and bad.  I will treasure the good ones and I will let go of the bad ones.  There is no deadline to stop thinking of him.  It gets easier.  It has gotten easier.

I hope you continue to come and read and indulge me while I, once in a while, wallow in self-pity.  Feel free to set me straight – somebody has to!

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

Jealousy, Happiness or something else?

11 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Hi friends, It has been a longer than usual…Where do I start?  Life happens… good and bad, and all I can do is manage the very little I have control of.  I realize, more and more, the need to speak less and listen more.  It seems that will be the path to my personal wisdom. My impulsive mouth gets me in trouble every time.

Moving on… Work is chaotic at times, but I realize that is when I am more productive.  Reigning over chaos makes me feel powerful.

Mom is in town, which means more of everything, more eating, more shopping, more watching TV.  Did I mention more eating?

Having Mom in town has been great for dating, and I am not being sarcastic.  It has been a great tool to weed out some of the potential dates out.  If someone cannot wait 3 weeks or less to meet me, how great a partner are they going to be for me? I am not saying they are not great, but the person for me will understand that I have a limited time with my mother and I am choosing to put her first over somebody I didn’t even meet yet.

Speaking of dating, 3 ghosts from the dating past have resurfaced.  One called wanting to check if I still had the same work number – he announced he got married.  The second wrote wishing me a happy birthday – he announced he just got engaged.  The third wrote to tell me that he has met someone and they have been dating for a couple of weeks.  I am not sure why he felt the need to write and tell me that, perhaps he wanted to share his happiness or perhaps he wanted to tell me I missed out.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about all those ghosts from the “not so far past” being happily coupled.   Originally when I heard from all 3 in the space of 2 days I confess I felt a hint of jealousy.  Then on the next second I thought to myself, shouldn’t I be happy, or perhaps even relieved? I am the one that decided not to continue to date, or even to start dating them.  My feelings haven’t changed.  They are all great guys, but not great for me.  So in the end, I am choosing to be happy that they are happy.

Perhaps the real question here is:  Will there be a great guy for me, or should I settle for a great guy period? Perhaps my heart is stuck on that one “great”(and I use the term loosely) guy that is now known as Ex, and I am blind to everyone else?

“Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.” ― Sholem Asch

I still continue to struggle with thinking of him.  The absurdity of such situation is not lost on me.  It will be 3 years soon.  When will I stop thinking of all those happy moments?  When will I not get so sad that I was so easily replaced? I am happy and content with my single life, or am I not and just fooling myself? Now that my Mom is here I catch myself mentioning his name more and more.  I actually told her that she is allowed to slap me on the mouth if I ever say his name again.  She agreed. I am happy to say that I have not been hit yet! 🙂

When will my heart understand what my mind and soul already knows?  That part of my life is over and done with.  There were great moments, but in the end that it is all that it was: great moments.  I am deserving of more and better.  I am deserving of always and forever.

The forgiving part was easy; the forgetting part has been a battle.  I am persistent and this war is not over yet.

“Without forgetting it is quite impossible to live at all.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Simply getting older or getting older simply?

02 Wednesday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“There is not love of life without despair about life.” 
― Albert Camus, The Stranger

 This has been a surprisingly difficult post to write.   Turning 48 it is not all about cake and candles, it is all about being near 50.  Having another birthday shouldn’t be a big deal for ‘positive’ me, but yet I am facing a multitude of feelings and not all of them are good.  

All of a sudden there is this looming sense of dread, finality and mortality.  What have I done with all prior years? I have this fear of life escaping between my fingers while I daydream about it.  I fear wasting talent and good healthy years.

“The day you lose your sense of wonder is the day you grow old.” 
― Marty Rubin

My mother is turning 79 in a couple of months and, even though she is a dynamo, is amazingly sharp and in great shape, I see the years in her.  And I see myself in her. When did she get old?

This post was totally different and way too long and contemplative of the past that I cannot change.  I have made mistakes, took turns when I should have gone straight, jumped head first when I should have tiptoed in, but still there is a sense of pride in doing life as I want and not as others expect.  There is beauty in following my heart! I will relish on that!

“Youth is wasted on the young.”― Oscar Wilde

So good bye long post, the whole message in this post is only 2 lines.  It is dedicated to my twin sister (who has been in the receiving end of a lot of criticism lately).  No long lists that I never look back at.  Just 2 lines that will improve my life and my years.

  • More water, sleep and exercise.  Less mindless eating.
  • More patience and listening.  Less reaction and criticism.

“The day you lose your sense of wonder is the day you grow old.” ― Marty Rubin

I will make myself accountable by being in the moment and keeping close attention to my actions.  Progress will be met with rewards (foot massages here I come!!) Failures, well there is not failure in trying my best!

 “Mortal as I am, I know that I am born for a day. But when I follow at my pleasure the serried multitude of the stars in their circular course, my feet no longer touch the earth.” ― Ptolemy

I am leaving on a jet plane

15 Saturday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Before I get to the actual post, I have to give you all an update on my last post.  Mr. Strikeout has called me again this morning.  I didn’t answer.  Then he sent the following email (exactly as he sent, I just copied and pasted):

“I don`t know even if you`ll open this email. I want to apologize of my decision. No I don`t want to stop seeing you but when I was left in your doorway you seem to just disappear.
Thought you would invite me up just to share a strawberry with you. I try to do somethings for you beside dinner each time. I wasn`t looking to sleep with you. I wanted to put my arms around and tell you I`ll be thinking of you and yes miss you. Thought I might hear something similar. Didn`t happen By the time I reach North St.I thought I might not even hear from you again. You`ll disagree.
I look at you at dinner and each time your more beautiful and most times i tell you that.Sometimes I feel like were having a corporate lunch.
I read and heard “never talk about last dates and lovers. 
The 5 Day Man maybe think I was next. I just got the KISSES.
When you text “Shocked” that`s the most excited I made you.
I could`nt sleep just thinking of you. Life.
Have a great time in Brazil and with Mom.”
Clearly we were and are on different pages! I don’t want to ignore him and hurt him, but at the same time there is no use in beating a dead horse.  I am thinking that he should be happy with kisses and clearly he doesn’t think that is enough.   He wants to go fast and I want slow, he is not able to understand that. I am not replying. We are done!
*****
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“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”  ― Ernest Hemingway
*
Now to today’s post:

I love airports, bus and train terminals!  There is something very mysterious about airports, train stations and bus stations.

I look around and I try to guess the stories behind each face.  Are they leaving someone they love or are they running to someone they love? or perhaps toan adventure? business?

Are they leaving when they want to stay? Are they arriving when they never wanted to come in the first place?  Is there somebody waiting?

Are they running away from something or are they running towards something?

In my thoughts everyone is going to a better place, a better life.  Everyone is being transported to their future!

Every day I am just another face at Grand Central Station in a hurry to get to work.

Tonight I will be just another face with a story at JFK.  I am going to see my family in Brazil.  This is a trip that I take twice a year, so it is familiar and some times taken for granted (sad to say).  I love to go and I love to come back, so it is all good.  Smiles all around.

Reminding myself how blessed I am! I am a citizen of two countries.  I have an awesome family waiting to embrace me!  I have a great job waiting for my return!  I have passion in my soul, curiosity in my mind and love in my heart.  I am blessed and I know it!

I sit here and breath the enormity of this actual second and I say: Thank you God!

This video doesn’t really fit, but I like it! 🙂

****

“Not all those who wander are lost.” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien

Why I bother with online dating

03 Monday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” 
― C.G. Jung

Last night I went to dinner with a friend.  I was telling her all about my adventures and misadventures with online dating. She thinks dating online is an absolute waste of time and she has no patience for it.  Even though we agree that we have different views on the subject, for some reason I found myself defending online dating.

It got me thinking on the reasons why I do online dating.  The main reason of course it that I want to find someone to share my wonderful life with, but it is more than that.

1.  I still believe that there is someone out there for me and I am not willing to let go of that idea.  I still believe in love.   I don’t know where this person is and I don’t know when it will happen, but it will.  That I know for sure!

2. I believe in being pro-active.   I don’t like putting all my faith into fate!  The idea of sitting on my hands and waiting for someone to knock on my door doesn’t suit me well.  Putting myself out there makes me feel empowered.

“Nothing in this world was more difficult than love.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

3. It forces me to get out of the house and socialize.  I love staying at home and most of the time I rather stay home than go out.  The few friends I have are often busy.   I am becoming a hermit.  Dating gives me a reason to get dressed up and out there in the world. I find it fun getting ready, getting dolled up and dressed up, and a date is a good excuse for it.

4.  I am able to meet people that I don’t normally encounter on my day to day.   I see people on the train and on my walk to work, but no chance to talk and get to know anyone. Online I have met all kinds, and I enjoy the diversity.

5.  Gives me great knowledge on men, people in general. I am becoming a connoisseur of people.  Some men amaze me, some disgust me, some make me want to get a dog, some renew my faith in mankind.  But they all make me rejoice in the beauty of the details that make each one of us unique.

“When God knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment, He’ll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.” 
― Joshua Harris

6. Gives me great knowledge into myself.  With each experience, good and bad, I learn about myself as I deal with the aftermath of a potential encounter, from hopefulness and happiness to rejection and disappointment. I am also getting great insight in the type of partner I want and need.  Perhaps it makes me more selective, but I don’t see a problem with that.

7. I operate under the premise that I am normal, heck, I am better than normal I am a terrific human being, and chances are I am not the only one in the dating site. There is got to be at least a few more.  I know I will end up attracting them, well only one will do.

“A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.” ― Mae West

8.  It is better than a bar.  I don’t have to drink, it can be free, you can check out people as much as you want. You can Google their information and sometimes get a whole background on them.  Some times I feel like a detective and I like it.  I can normally spot a scammer miles away.

9.  I get to learn how to deal with rejection and develop a thicker skin.  On the rare instance that I hear something that has the potential to hurt me, I think to myself: Consider the source!  I also know that if people feel the need to insult or hurt is because they are hurting themselves and therefore they deserve my compassion.  I don’t dwell on the negative.

I don’t know how long I will feel the way I feel, but for now online dating for me is harmless entertainment.  I feel I do it smart and fair.  If I meet somebody special it will be awesome, if I don’t it is okay too!  I made friends and I have stories to tell.  This is another way in which I think that I am choosing to live my life and not letting life pass me by.

“I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.”   William Ernest Henley, Invictus

Heart Matters and Mind Games!

19 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Valentine’s Day Date (or not)

I was going to have a date on Valentine’s Day with this person from Plenty of Fish. It was a last minute invitation and since I had nothing planned I said yes. (also, as a side note, this is one Valentine’s Day that didn’t bother me at all, I was totally indifferent to the fact that I am single)

I walked to the bar at the appointed time imagining he was not there as he said he was running late.  I looked through the glass windows when I got there and didn’t see him there.

I didn’t want to walk into this bar alone because I always had a weird feeling about  it.  (I did agree to meet him there since I thought it would be a good excuse for me to try this bar and perhaps erase the feeling I have about it)

I had texted a couple of times saying that I was going to wait for him at the door and then saying that I was outside by the door. Later I called and he didn’t pick up.  Finally 20 minutes later when I texted  that I was going to walk home, since he apparently had stood me up,  he texts me that he is inside the bar.

As I am reading the text and not sure what to think, he walks out and without saying hello rudely says: you can’t walk into a bar?  I was floored, shocked, at not only what he said, but how rudely he said it and I said: No I can’t!

He turns his back to me and walks back inside, I turn around and start walking home. For a second I felt I was in a movie or something other than real life.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was shocked and confused at first, wondering why a guy would travel 1 hour to come and meet me and then have this kind of behavior.  But immediately I am strangely at peace and not even annoyed.  I know in my heart I just dodged a bullet.

“No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy.” 
― Bryant McGill

As I walk the 2 blocks home I am thanking my guardian angels and my lucky stars for protecting me and preventing me from meeting a person that clearly it is not good for me!

Perhaps I should have walked into the bar, but what kind of man, ignores texts and phone calls and then is that rude?  Not the man that I deserve that is for sure!

I really do feel blessed and consider situations like this a blessing and not a curse!

“Blessings sometimes show up in unrecognizable disguises. ” 
― Janette Oke

****

Montreal is calling

Well, my new friend D.  from Montreal (the one  I mentioned in my previous post) sent me another email.  He asked me if I had plans of seeing him again.

I replied: “Plans to meet again?  is the ball on my court?  I guess we need to talk about that.”

He enjoyed the “ball on my court” comment (English is not his first language so I am assuming he had never heard of that expression before) and said that we need to plan it.

I would like to see him again as I had a great time with him but more as a friend and not anything romantic.  I have a feeling he desires romance, and I desire friendship.

So I am just not sure what will happen here. Stay tuned!

****

“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.” 
― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

Ex doesn’t play dead.

It is hard to be honest about this, but what is the point of having a blog about my life if I am not going to be completely honest?  On Valentine’s Day I was hoping to hear from Ex.

I know for sure I don’t want to be back with him.  I know that he wouldn’t be good for me.  Not that getting back together is even an option.  He has already been living with someone since we broke up.

There is this part of me that still wants him to think of me. Why do I still crave those morsels of attention?  I guess because I have such a hard time forgetting about him I am wishing he feels the same.

But what is the point?  I know better!

Then in the afternoon, there comes his text: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Love” After my heart skipped a beat and I felt happy for a millisecond I was immediately mad at him for playing with my feelings.

Why does he do that to me? My last communication with him was around Thanksgiving when I asked him to pretend I was dead.  He thinks he never did anything wrong and that we are still friends (according to him his only mistake was not having the time to be the man that I wanted him to be).

He must know it hurts me… and it does hurt me! This is all about power!

I didn’t reply, it took all I got not to.  But what is the point?  To say thank you would make him think that I welcome his communication.  To again ask him to stop clearly won’t make a difference, so to ignore it seems the best course of action.

I am, however, stronger, than I ever been, clear on what I want and don’t want.  He is definitely not in my plans in any capacity.  I don’t see these moments of longing and thinking of him as setbacks, I see it as part of the path, as tests of strength and with each I become stronger.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”  ― Steve Maraboli

On another note his mother is moving from another state to live with him (and with his girlfriend).

I have a great relationship with his mother and will not break up with her because he broke up with me. She calls me often and wants me to go visit the day she moves in.  I said I will meet her any place else but I will not go to a house that I was forced to move out from.

I made his house a home.  I made everything about the house and the yard better.   I was proud to have cleaned up and organized it and put my mark in it.  I cannot imagine going through the house and not seeing my pictures on the wall.  I cannot imagine seeing the signs of another woman where I should be.

But the number one reason I don’t want to go there is C, the dog.  I want to see him and hug him so much.  I want to take him for a walk and play with him in the yard. But I am choosing to just hold on to the memories.  I think that if he sees me he will think I am back to stay, I cannot do that to him or to me.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami