Tag Archives: skiing

Don’t wait for anything or anybody, go ahead and do it!

15 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Snowmass, CO - heavenly!!

Snowmass, CO – heavenly!!

I have been procrastinating planning a skiing trip since the beginning of December.  I finally realized why.  I have been waiting!  I have been waiting for the right time, the right location, the right weather, the right price, but most important and most disturbing to me, I have been waiting for company, for someone.  I have been waiting for a miracle in the form of a person.

I have been waiting for someone to step up and say: I want to go skiing with you!  I had this crazy idea that by now I would have met someone, not to love me, but just to ski with me.  No such luck!   Well, perhaps the luck is in not finding someone and to have to face certain truths.

It has been a daily thing.  I get up motivated thinking today is the day that I will make decisions as far as my trip is concerned.  I start researching places and dates and all of a sudden it all seems too much and I let it go.  I keep coming up with excuses:

Excuse #1: It is too much money! Truth: I am a wise spender and like to indulge on this I love such as skiing trips and massages.  Plus I have been saving for it!

Excuse #2:  It is not the right time to be away from work.  Truth: There never seems to be a perfect time to be out of the office.  I have done it many times before and everyone survived.

Excuse #3: I am sure the moment I plan something I will meet someone and the plans will conflict.  Truth: It could or it could not happen, but waiting for it is dumb.  If I meet someone, they can either fit in my plans or they can wait until I am done with my plans.

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone”
― Pablo Picasso

I have been guilty of doing something that, a long time ago, I had vowed never to do: To wait for someone to do something with or to get something done.  Shame on me! I should and I know better!  I have done so much alone, with no issues or problems.  It is time to get back to that fierce independence, and just get out there and do it!

My beautiful (she is my identical twin lol) and wise sister said to me today: What is going on?  You always went on trips alone and you always had a lot fun! Stop making excuses!

My advice to you and at the same time to me is: Don’t wait until tomorrow and, most important, don’t wait for others!  Start living the life you want now!  All it takes it a first step! Embrace yourself, embrace now! (Are you listening Miss Blessed?)

The right time is now!  The right person is you! You alone are enough!  If it needs to be done, needs to be done now!  If you want to experience something, try something new, a new sport, a new craft, whatever it is, start now!

What do you want to accomplish? Look into your heart, I am sure there is at least one thing you want to do or try.  Can you imagine if you had already started it last week, last month, last year?  So don’t waste any more time!

Don’t wait until you lose weight to wear the clothes you like, to take a trip, to go on dates.  Life doesn’t wait for anyone.  Life is going by while we make excuses not to live it.  Life passes while we make plans or, worse, plan to make plans. So instead we just watch life, we watch others all around us, we watch it on TV.  We make ourselves busy with nothing, instead of getting out there and doing something.

As soon as I post this blog, I will get focused on finalizing my trip details.   I am still all over the place, from flying to Utah at the end of January to renting a car and driving to Vermont in February, but I have faith that by Friday I will have it all set!

“Today is a new day. Don’t let your history interfere with your destiny! Let today be the day you stop being a victim of your circumstances and start taking action towards the life you want. You have the power and the time to shape your life. Break free from the poisonous victim mentality and embrace the truth of your greatness. You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life!”
― Steve Maraboli

He didn’t call and I didn’t fall to pieces!

19 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” 
― Steve Maraboli

He didn’t call! I cannot say I am shocked, but I am surprised and yet I knew it in my heart.  It is hard to explain, I had this instinct, this gut feeling that he would not call but at the same time how could he not after the great time we had?  So there was this little trace of hope, but as the one week mark approaches that hope has vanished.

This dating thing is odd.  Well, I guess people are odd.  (“Don’t blame the game blame the player”) Some guys will call right away asking for another date when it was clear that there was zero chemistry, and then there are the dates where the sparks were flying all over the place and the guy never calls.

In the past I asked a guy that I dated, well dated is a loose word, because I made sure to tell him that I accepted to go out as friends and he said he was okay with that. So I asked him why he continued to pursue me when it was clear I had zero interest in him romantically and he said, and I quote: “I thought I could change your mind”.  Then I asked one guy why he disappeared after a few great dates and he said, and again, I quote: “I think you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend”.

“The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.” 
― Steve Hall

People have their reasons for doing things. I don’t have a problem with that.  I have a problem with the delivery, the lack of respect in the way things are done. To just disappear?  Perhaps that is an acceptable dating behavior, but to me just screams of cowardice and lack of respect!

I am proud to say that I will not be calling him and asking him what happened.  I don’t care! I no longer need closure for this type of things because I no longer allow my heart to get involved that early in the game.  Genius solution: no heart, no pain!

It was just a date, and I am learning to lighten up.  (“learning” being the key here, I still take things way too seriously, and expect the best of people)

 “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” 
― Laurence Sterne

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter the reason why someone chooses to do or not do something.  What matters is how I conduct myself.  What matters is that I am honest and upfront with everyone.  I am only responsible for my actions.

I could come up with 300 reasons/excuses why he didn’t call, but at the day the truth is: “He is just not that into me”.

When a man wants something he goes after it, he will move mountains if he has to.  Nothing will prevent him for getting what he wants.  Well, at least that is the man I want.  I don’t want the insecure and fearful.  I want the brave!

I don’t want to judge (and yet this is what this post turned out to be about), but I appreciate honesty.   I appreciate the man that does not just disappear, that all of a sudden stops calling and e-mailing and you are left to wonder what happened.  I appreciate the man that steps up to the plate and tells me why he no longer wants to talk to me.  I guess I still have a lot to learn.  “The Four Agreements” just came to mind.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” 
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

So many lessons…

 I still would not have changed a single thing about the date.  Well, perhaps I would have made sure to get an extra kiss!

Next!

****

“Trying and getting hurt can’t possibly be worse for you than being… stuck.” 
― Eliezer Yudkowsky,

I have just been invited to the Kanye West concert at Madison Square Garden this Saturday.  I said yes, but I am not sure if it will work out or not.  I have never met this person or spoke with him on the phone, but I figure that I will be safe at a concert.  We still have to talk on the phone and iron details out and between now and Saturday a lot can happen …

This person is not the type of person I have been going on dates with lately – in all senses.  But perhaps there lies the magic.

I am not willing to discount someone because of appearances, because of their profession or lack of formal education.  I want to decide on integrity, respect, morals, and manners.  I care about actions, not words.  I don’t care where someone has been; I care about where they are going.

“In order to fly you have to create space in the open air so that your wings can really spread out. It’s like a parachute. They only work from a high altitude. To fly you have to begin taking risks. If you don’t want to, maybe the best thing is just to give up, and keep walking forever.” 
― Jorge Bucay,

***

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” 
― Charlotte Brontë

But here are the real big questions occupying my mind lately:

1)      What am I going to do for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years?  I don’t have family here in the US and I don’t normally fly to Brazil on holidays.  I used to go on Thanksgiving just to take advantage of the extra off days, but it hasn’t worked out the last few years.  I don’t mind spending alone (read: alone, not lonely), but alone doing something fun and exciting is much better.

Perhaps there is a soup kitchen somewhere…but I have always been told they have enough volunteers.  I am kind of sick of trying to volunteer, unfortunately!

“Christmas is our annual reminder to look up – pondering celestial stars, to look out – serving those in need, and to look down – glorifying our Lord in humble prayer.” 
― Richelle E. Goodrich

2)      Where and when am I going skiing?  I know I am going alone, but I can’t seem to decide on a date and location.  I wanted to go to Whistler, BC for Christmas but I am just not sure.   I welcome ideas for mountains that are beginner and single friendly.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

My fears are not me, and I am not my fears!!

05 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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I had an incredibly tough week, it was one thing after another – I will not list them here as I don’t want to give bad things any more power or voice.  My week was so bad that I ended up crying while at my Pilates session on Saturday.  I cried out of frustration and a feeling of weakness and powerlessness.

So I was really excited to go skiing on Sunday.  I was looking forward to letting go  of everything and just feeling free.  It also seems to me that on the mountain is the only place that I am able to not think about anything.  I also have been very happy with my progress in skiing – it is so great to be getting more and more comfortable on skis!

That is, until Sunday, until this little hill shattered my confidence!

I was going down a hill, and it was black, but only in name.  Levels are all relative, so the black on this mountain is really an easy blue or green on bigger mountains out west.

When my friend (that has been skiing longer than I have) and I were at the top of this hill looking down, my friend asked: Can you do it? and I said: Sure! I was full of confidence.   As soon as I started to go down I panicked and froze in place. For several minutes I couldn’t move. In those several minutes I was trying to figure out what was happening, why was I acting in such a way.  This is doable, I can do this!

At that moment the battle was not between me and the hill, but me and myself. It was not how steep or icy the hill was, it was how strong my mind was. It was a battle of trying to control my fear, my fear of speeding down out of control.   It was such a hard to explain feeling, my mind telling my body to move and my body just motionless.  It was as if my mind and my body were at war and odds at each other.

I knew that the only way down that hill was to ski down.  I also knew that with each passing moment I was letting the fear get stronger and stronger and therefore making it more difficult for me to move.  I eventually summed up all the courage that I had and I made my way down.

When I got down I was glad that not for a second I hesitated going onto the lift again.  But once on the chair things changed. After my heart had stopped racing, my mind had a chance to analyse the situation I started second guessing myself. I thought: what am I doing? why am I putting myself in this situation? Why don’t I just give this sport up? Why do I need to ski? I am glad that those thoughts didn’t stay for long.  I am glad that I was able to realize that I don’t need to ski, but I want to, and for so many reasons.  At that moment I realized I love the challenge that skiing presents to me, and this momentary setback just means the sport is giving me even more reason to love it and to try harder.

I was tempted to go and do the green trail, but I chose to do the same hill again. It was incredibly hard and I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, I again stopped and froze for a second, but I recovered and continued.  And I did the same hill once more and I did a little better. I chose not to do it more than 3 times because by that time my legs were already tired and I felt it was stupid to push and tempted faith.  I am so proud of myself for going to that hill again.

I also realized that this could be a little karma showing itself.  When I was at Greek Peak a couple of weeks ago I was skiing with a friend that was just learning. While I am also a beginner I completely enjoyed being one step ahead of him.  I think my confidence came across as cockiness.  I was preachy instead of patient.  I forgot humility somewhere along the bus ride from NY to Finger Lakes.  This is the way karma chose to knock me down a peg or two. Hey karma, I get it!! You don’t have to teach me twice, lesson has been heard loud and clear!

Feeling Free in Finger Lakes!

30 Wednesday Jan 2013

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A couple of weeks ago I went to the Finger Lakes region in upstate NY.  I took the bus out of Port Authority. To my surprise it was not full of transients as I expected. Even though I work just several blocks away I had never been in it and had all kinds of scary mental images of it.  I was pleasantly surprised that it was quiet, calm and easy to get around. It was a weekday 11am, I am sure that evenings and weekends are much different.

I went skiing at the Greek Peak Mountain and it was so much fun.  I took a couple of lessons and the instructors gave me very good tips and areas to focus in.

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I went to the below waterfall, which I think the name is Taughannock Falls.  It was beautiful and majestic. Nature humbles me!

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Another great stop was the Americana Winery, followed by dinner at the Crystal Lake Cafe.  For some reason all of sudden I am into wine. So it was fun doing the wine tasting.  I love playing wine connoisseur and pretending to detect hints of amber and other stuff.  All I know is if it sweet and if I like it or not. 🙂

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I stayed at this quaint and cozy Bed and Breakfast pictured below. It was built in 1897 and it has been beautifully maintained. It is located in Cincinnatus, NY.

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Other than skiing, the highlight of the trip was the desserts at Madeleine’s in Ithaca, NY.  I wish I could have had them all! If I only lived near…

I love going on trips, but coming home is pretty great too!! Thank you God for my safe haven!

Being able to travel, see new places, meet new people, explore new cultures, even if it is just a few hours from home, is such a blessing! If you have a chance to travel, please do!!

I texted Ex!

21 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I texted Ex!
I know how it looks. And I actually don’t care how it looks, but how I feel.
One of the things I pride myself on is always giving a voice to my heart.  I like wearing my heart on my sleeve, I like being open and transparent.
Saying what I want, when I want unburdens and empowers me.
I don’t care what he thinks either. It is not about him! It never was! It is about me and my feelings and how I act and react to them!
I am taking myself and my heart back little by little, too slow for my liking, but somethings cannot be rushed. Each little step towards freedom is important and rewarding.
I texted him to express gratitude.
I was at Windham, NY skiing (or attempting to) and I was feeling overwhelmed with the freedom of the open space and the beauty of the mountain. I was also feeling good about my progress skiing.
Right then and there I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for the person that introduced me to skiing: Ex

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This is what I wrote:
“I want you to know that no matter how much hurt I still have in my heart I will be eternally grateful for the many things you have taught me including and especially skiing. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
I know that many may think I am opening a door for him to waltz back in, but that is not the case at all. I am opening a door to the healing of my heart.
I don’t expect a reply, that was no the point of sending the text.
He does reply in the form of an email the following day, saying I should be proud of being a Brazilian skier.
and that was it!

I have decided to look at my relationship with Ex, as a whole, with all its beauty during and not so beautiful ending. The relationship was not the ending alone, I cannot only think about how it ended and dwell on it.  I cannot also only think about the beautiful time and have this unreal view of it.
I don’t regret sending it the text the same way I don’t regret the relationship.  IN fact I would be willing to do it all over again!

I think that my reaching out to him is my way of making peace with my past.  I cannot hate Ex, that would be like hating my past, and I love my past.  I don’t want to be in the past, I want to be fully in the present and embrace the amazing future that awaits.  I want to continue to grow and become better and better. But my past is me, and I embrace it, love it and I am making peace with it!

It felt so freeing being the one that reached out instead of being in the receiving end! It made me feel in control.  I am making things happen and not waiting for them to happen to me and just react to it!

So, thank you Ex, for skiing and other things! Thank you for my lovely memories!

My 2013 so far:

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Back pain.  Last week my lower back started hurting.  I am not sure what it caused, but I suspect it is the ball I am sitting on a couple of hours a day at work.   I thought it was going to improve my core, but it backfired, so until my back is 100% I have stopped using the ball.   Having to skip Zumba and Yoga made me unhappy.  I went to Pilates anyway – we mostly stretched and work around my back issues. This is a good reminder to be good to my body, cherish my health and strive to lead a balanced life.   

Kitchen flood.  One night last week I started my washer and all of a sudden I am standing in water and it doesn’t stop flowing even after I stop the machine.  My poor aching back became worst after mopping and wet vacuuming for 2 hours.   After 2 days the plumber finally found the source of the problem.  Now all I need is someone to fix this huge hole in my wall.  What is the lesson here?  I am not sure, but I am learning not to stress over things, especially material things.  A damaged wood floor and a hole in the wall are not the end of the world!

New Industry Regulations.  New regulations are threatening to make conducting my business very difficult, actually to the point of closing our doors.   These impossible requirements and looming deadlines are making me busier and more stressed than normal. I can only do my best –  if for some reason this door closes I am sure a bigger and better one will be opening up in the future.

Flat tire (a second one in the space of a couple of months – different tire).  (I am well aware that a flat tire is not a big deal, but since it was night time and my cell was running out of power it constituted an emergency for me).   Luckily, just last week I called and got full coverage for my car and it comes with road side assistance.  I am happy to report that Geico Roadside Assistance works!          What needs to be done, needs to be done right now! I had been postponing making the phone call to change my insurance for awhile, but I am so relieved that I finally did it last week.  I am glad I didn’t let procrastination get the best of me!

And here is the highlight:

I went skiing! Who cares about all of the above when one is going down a mountain trying not to fall, or should I say, trying to fall safely.

REI store was offering their first skiing class, so that is who I went with.  There was 10 of us in big bus. A wonderful group of people, most talked all the way there and back, I slept, which made the trip seem like 30 minutes instead of 2 and half hours.

I have been dying to get to a mountain, any mountain. It was fun, fun, fun! Okay so the conditions weren’t ideal, and Windham is no Whistler but it satisfied my thirst for the mountain and open air.

A co-worker said to me: This is the time in your life when you should be stopping skiing, not starting. I find that almost insulting.  What does age have to do with anything?

I love the challenge of the sport.   I am both in love with and terrified by skiing.  I love the idea of conquering my fear of gaining speed as I go down the mountain.  I know I will get better at it, and even if I don’t, I am enjoying the trying!

My new motto: If I am not falling I am not learning! If I am not falling/failing that means that I am playing it safe and not challenging myself. Therefore I am not improving/growing.  Here’s to constant growth and many falls on and off the mountain!!

 

Day 18: Biggest Loser Ranch, Skiing Vacation or Sunny Island?

09 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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I just saw this Groupon offer for one week at the Biggest Loser Ranch and I came very close to booking it! They have 3 locations – Niagara Falls, Utah and Malibu, but the offer was only for 2 – Niagara Falls and Malibu.

For awhile I was already picturing myself hiking, eating meals prepared by health conscious chefs and getting massages.  I think that one week at the ranch would probably help me lose the pounds that I think I need to lose.

Since money is short these days I think that perhaps it is better to spend that money on some other vacation and lose the pounds on my own.

I think that if I really wanted I could lose those extra stubborn pounds by tweaking my eating habits a bit.

Could I really? If so, why haven’t I done that yet? Perhaps I don’t want it bad enough!!

Would I be better off spending the $1,700 (that was the offer price, which normally goes for $2,400) on some other vacation?

Would it be better to go to a skiing location and continue to improve my shaky beginning skiing skills? (which is by the way the plan this winter – improve my skiing).   Or perhaps I should relax body and mind and refresh my tan with a stay at a Caribbean island?

Perhaps if they were offering this promotion at the Utah location I would be more tempted. I have gone to Niagara Falls and to Malibu, but never to Utah.  And I could go skiing there also!

One thing is for sure: If that is what I have pondering over today, I certainly have no problems and nothing to complain about!

Life is amazing and I am blessed! and I know it!

 

In looking back I move forward …

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness.  So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control.  That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week.  So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.

(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)

October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.

November 2011.  I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!

December 2011.  We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.

January 2012.   I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him.  I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.

February 2012.  I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable.  I count the hours til I am going to see him next.  He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing.  I continue to lie to myself.  He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.

March 2012.  I start this blog.  I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.

April 2012.  He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time.  For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out).  I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.

May and June 2012.  I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength.  Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips.  I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.

July 10th 2012.  He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined.  I decide that I need to stop this insanity.  Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again.  I have to cut all contact.  I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form.  He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.

He didn’t try very hard…

July 13, 2012.  He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work)  has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.

I get so angry when I read that.  Tears start rolling down my face.  This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face.  I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not.  Very weird, but very fitting I believe.   This pain is also different.

This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past.  This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing.  This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.

After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.

I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again.  I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point.   I am not even curious about what he learned.   It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.

Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying.  At peace with being alone. At peace with life.  At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.

I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes.  I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave.  I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love.  I still pray for his well-being.  I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.

New Friend/New love.  I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone.  It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me.  When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word.  And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will.  This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow.  So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.

Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.

I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story.  I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs.  Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.

Current Life. I love my new small apartment.  It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do.  I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.

My Projects.

– Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.

– Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!

–Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body.  It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.

–French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!

–Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.

–Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled.  I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.

–Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.

***

Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!

I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come.  I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.

Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.

I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.

I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship.  I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship.  I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue.  There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will  be able to see things clearly.

In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.

So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page.  I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh.  You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.

I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad.  I welcome all and try to learn all that I can.  I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may.  I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can.  As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me.  I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able.  Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.

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(all images from google images)

 

One more step towards freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

11 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 29 Comments

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I am happy because I choose to be happy.  It is a daily choice! Sometimes is a daily struggle.

Today is a struggle!

Since moving out of Ex’s house he has been calling, e-mailing and texting, mostly to say hello or something trivial,  but sometimes also adding that he is thinking of me, missing me and loving me.

Do I believe that? No! If he loved me I would still be there.

I have been trying to remain friendly as I do not believe in harboring resentments and being angry and enemies with anybody. But it is not working.

Every time he gets in touch it hurts me, it is a constant reminder that I still have feelings for him.  It reminds me that I still don’t know the reason why it ended.

Also at least once a week he used to invite me to dinner.  I have asked him to stop inviting me to dinner, which he obliged.

I have not asked him to stop getting in touch with me because we have one financial deal that will end in July and I didn’t want to make waves until then.

That was until now!  I cannot take it anymore.

I don’t care if I lose money anymore! I want my sanity! Just 5 minutes ago I called him and asked him to stop contacting me and only get in touch in July.

This afternoon he had sent me a picture of him wearing a shirt that we got on our vacation in Thailand saying he was thinking of me.  I completely fell apart.  He also mentioned looking at our skiing trip’s pictures.  I remember those trips,and many others,  the happiness, and how we seemed so perfect together.

I asked him to stop playing with my heart, stop playing games, stop getting in touch with me.  It infuriates me that he seemed shocked by my reaction, he seemed hurt and confused by my wanting to forget him.

It kills that he thinks that is perfectly normal to be dating someone (he confirmed he is dating someone, not the same person that he was dating at the time we broke up, he already moved on from that one or perhaps she wised up quickly) and still be calling me and saying he loves and misses me.  How can he not see how much that hurts me?

How can he think that that is normal? It is amazing his ability to make me feel like I am the one that is not being reasonable.

For the record he has maintained that we cannot be together because he has to concentrate on all his businesses and volunteer work and cannot be the boyfriend/partner I need him to be.  He says some of his businesses are in jeopardy and he cannot protect me. Bunch of bs as far as I am concerned. Disingenuous at best.

So I was lying in bed crying and realized that that was not helpful so now I am sitting and crying- lol

I cannot wait for the day that I will look back and laugh at all this!

I am trying to look at the good side, I am trying to find the good side. I am happy I took a stand and right now don’t care if I ever hear from him again (I so want to believe those words!). I guess deep down inside perhaps I still had hopes. I never thought I would say this, but, sometimes hope can be a dangerous thing!