One more step towards freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

11 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am happy because I choose to be happy.  It is a daily choice! Sometimes is a daily struggle.

Today is a struggle!

Since moving out of Ex’s house he has been calling, e-mailing and texting, mostly to say hello or something trivial,  but sometimes also adding that he is thinking of me, missing me and loving me.

Do I believe that? No! If he loved me I would still be there.

I have been trying to remain friendly as I do not believe in harboring resentments and being angry and enemies with anybody. But it is not working.

Every time he gets in touch it hurts me, it is a constant reminder that I still have feelings for him.  It reminds me that I still don’t know the reason why it ended.

Also at least once a week he used to invite me to dinner.  I have asked him to stop inviting me to dinner, which he obliged.

I have not asked him to stop getting in touch with me because we have one financial deal that will end in July and I didn’t want to make waves until then.

That was until now!  I cannot take it anymore.

I don’t care if I lose money anymore! I want my sanity! Just 5 minutes ago I called him and asked him to stop contacting me and only get in touch in July.

This afternoon he had sent me a picture of him wearing a shirt that we got on our vacation in Thailand saying he was thinking of me.  I completely fell apart.  He also mentioned looking at our skiing trip’s pictures.  I remember those trips,and many others,  the happiness, and how we seemed so perfect together.

I asked him to stop playing with my heart, stop playing games, stop getting in touch with me.  It infuriates me that he seemed shocked by my reaction, he seemed hurt and confused by my wanting to forget him.

It kills that he thinks that is perfectly normal to be dating someone (he confirmed he is dating someone, not the same person that he was dating at the time we broke up, he already moved on from that one or perhaps she wised up quickly) and still be calling me and saying he loves and misses me.  How can he not see how much that hurts me?

How can he think that that is normal? It is amazing his ability to make me feel like I am the one that is not being reasonable.

For the record he has maintained that we cannot be together because he has to concentrate on all his businesses and volunteer work and cannot be the boyfriend/partner I need him to be.  He says some of his businesses are in jeopardy and he cannot protect me. Bunch of bs as far as I am concerned. Disingenuous at best.

So I was lying in bed crying and realized that that was not helpful so now I am sitting and crying- lol

I cannot wait for the day that I will look back and laugh at all this!

I am trying to look at the good side, I am trying to find the good side. I am happy I took a stand and right now don’t care if I ever hear from him again (I so want to believe those words!). I guess deep down inside perhaps I still had hopes. I never thought I would say this, but, sometimes hope can be a dangerous thing!

Clash of the Titans

10 Sunday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Reviews

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I was one of the 81,994 fans that attended the Clash of the Titans match at Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ yesterday. That was a record attendance for a soccer match at that stadium!

The game was between my beloved Brazil and our archenemy Argentina.

Brazilians are one of the most friendliest people in the world.  We love all and are loved by all.  But when it comes to our neighbor Argentina things can get a little dicey.

Both countries think they are the best country in South America. Both think they have the best natural resources, most beautiful women, and of course best soccer players.

There is the never ending debate in the soccer world as to who was really the best player: Pele (Brazil) or Maradona (Argentina).

I, and thousands more, was really looking forward to yesterday’s match. And it was all that it was promised and more.  They both had their best players from their national teams (as it was agreed per their contracts).  Brazil brought their  Olympic team, which is a younger team, but equally talented.

I was there with a group of 22 co-workers and clients raging from soccer fans to soccer players to “don’t even know what soccer is”, and the general consensus at the end of the game was that it was an amazing game.

Unfortunately Brazil lost! The score was Argentina 4 goals, Brazil 3.  Of course I wanted Brazil to win, still I have to concede that their best player, Lionel Messi, had an amazing performance.  He scored 3 out of Argentina’s 4 goals.

Everyone, players and fans were well behaved, for the most part.  There was a little scuffle at the last 2 minutes of the game between a couple of players but it was minor and it didn’t really make the game any less great. As far as the fans I didn’t witness any misbehavior, only the usual taunting and loudness.  Mostly all had fun with their loud music, singing and dancing.

I was just a bit confused by the halftime entertainment.  It was not really necessary to have any.  I don’t think any fan would have complained or even mentioned the lack of anything during halftime.

First they brought 3 Argentinian couples dressed in black fancy attires to dance the Argentinian tango … on the grass.  It just looked weird and so out of place, I felt for the dancers.  They should have, at least, put in some type of floor covering.  Then perhaps would have made more sense.  Can you imagine dancing wearing high heels on the grass? the tango nonetheless!

After that they brought Brazilian drummers and male dancers performing soccer skills and some capoeira (a type of martial art and dance).  It was more fitting than tango for a soccer match, but still it was a bit lackluster.

All in all it was a great day with tailgating pre and post game. I cannot believe that even after 2 hours after the game had ended the parking lot where we were was still half full!

It was only a friendly, exhibition match, it didn’t really count for anything.  At the end of the day, we still have 5 stars on our jersey for each of our World Cup wins, while Argentina has only 3!  (sore loser? yep, a little bit!!)

How young is too young?

07 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Animated Babies

(Picture courtesy of http://www.free-animations.co.uk)

I am sitting in the usual car of my usual train this morning playing with my phone when I have this feeling one gets when you have a pair of eyes on you.  I look up and I see this guy sitting 4 rows across from my seat staring at me.

I think to myself that dressing better on Thursdays is already paying off.

I don’t have to dress up for work.  As a matter of fact I could wear pajamas if I wanted to, but as a courtesy to my fellow train riders and my fellow New Yorkers I normally wear jeans or something as casual.

I wish I had a uniform so that I didn’t have to think of what to wear every morning (or the night before).  Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of clothes, specially now that I lost the chocolate weight and can get into a whole side of my closet that had been lying dormant for the past couple of years. I am just not creative when it comes to putting outfits together.

Because I know that if you dress better you feel better I figure I will start with dressing better on Thursdays, which happens to be my favorite day of the week. And hopefully that will get me motivated to add other days until, voila, I am dressing well the whole week!  Also, dressing better is a way of saying to the world, and most importantly to myself, that I matter enough to be concerned with how I look.

Anyway, going back to being stared at in the train…

This is a good looking young guy.  How young?  I am not sure, but I would venture a guess of low 30s.  Hummm, I am 46! So I am thinking to myself is he too young for me? Of course I am jumping the gun, for all I know he is staring at the lady behind me or next to me.

Why can’t I just relax and stare back?  Well, for beginners, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to sultrily look at any guy flirting with me. I am a big flirt but only after I met someone. The moment I have a stranger’s eyes on me I start either giggling or grinning like a Chesire cat.  I am sure guys are left scratching their heads thinking: what is wrong with her?  When I was a teen my sister would say:  Stop that grinning and giggling, they will think you have mental problems. Well, perhaps I do have mental issues because after 30 years my first reaction still is to giggle and grin.

Somehow I am able to hold my compusure and continue playing with my phone while attempting to give him quick glances.

The train arrives at Grand Central Station and I leave first. I have taken only a few steps and he is right next to me and says hello.  Up close he is even more handsome.  And YOUNG!!! He is just a baby! He looks late 20s max. I am disappointed, but still so flattered.

He asks me if I have time for breakfast and the only thing I say is: How old are you? Well I am nothing if I am not direct and to the point!  There is no guessing what I am thinking.

He says: 25, almost 25.

Oh, good God, is this a test?

I giggle! there comes the giggling again and I say: I could be your mother!

Somehow I think he has gone through this before because he lists a whole bunch of reasons why it doesn’t matter:

It is only breakfast!

You look 30!

Age is just a number!

I was always mature for my age!

You can have breafast with a friend, can you?

I give him extra points for having the guts of approaching me.  I find that a lot men are afraid of rejection so they don’t even try.  Perhaps he is too young to actually feel rejected – lol.  I politely say I am flattered but that it was best to skip breakfast.  I wish him luck and go.

Now, I know that it was only breakfast and perhaps I missed a chance of making a friend, but believe me I have been there before.  I have dated embarassingly young guys before, and in this case there is no such thing as just breakfast.

Still, I am flattered and more than ever motivated to dress up on Thursdays.  And it got me thinking:  What is my cutoff age?  How old is too young for me? since I am 46, I am thinking that a 10 year difference in either direction is okay.

but of course that is not set in stone!

By the way, for the record, I hate the label “cougar”!

(please see http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/ for my list of 10 reasons not to date a younger man)

16 Awards!!!! Starting with the Sunshine Blogger Award

06 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in AWARDS, Daily Life

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I have 16 awards to work on.  Yes,  you heard me!  16!!  SIXTEEN!!!

I want to state for the record that I will mess up.

I know I will:

Forget to thank people

Forget to nominate blogs that really deserve a nomination

Nominate some blogs twice for the same award

Get the award rules confused

and for that I apologize in advance.

I am going to start with the Sunshine Blogger Award.

THE RULES

sunshine-blogger-award1

1.Repost the award in a post that includes the blog of the person that nominated you.

2.State 10 things about yourself.

3.Nominate 10 people.

1. Thank you to the following bloggers for thinking of me.  Each one of them is special to me in an unique way.  They have great blogs that I recommend you check it out.

http://frankoshanko.wordpress.com

http://thejoylevel.com/

http://thetopleftkey.wordpress.com

http://greatgreths.wordpress.com

2.Ten things about me (very random)

  1. I never had a peanut butter and jelly/jam sandwich
  2. I have stuffed animals on my bed to keep me company
  3. I have to have bread and butter every morning
  4. I work in the very non creative financial industry
  5. I graduated magna cum laude going to night/ weekend school and holding a full time job
  6. I adore anything coconut
  7. Faith and hope rule my life
  8. I enjoy tv a little too much
  9. I am nothing without God/Higher power
  10. I love rain and thunderstorms

3. My 10 nominees (times 4):

The good thing with getting many awards, other than feeling special, is getting to nominate a whole bunch of people.

The blogs I am nominating range from poetry to recipes, from photo blogs to dating life, from book reviews to bible verses and everything else in between.  They are new bloggers and old ones.  Some post everyday while others are less frequent. But they all have something to say and they all have commented on my blogs and I appreciate them all.  Go and check them out.

Without further ado and in no specific order:

http://waitingforthekarmatruck.com/

http://meditatingmummy.wordpress.com/

http://gypsyroxylee.wordpress.com/

http://crashleadership.com/

http://theblazingtrail.wordpress.com/

http://todayiprayed.wordpress.com/

http://silentlyheardonce.wordpress.com/

http://readersheaven.org/

http://grandmothermusings.com/

http://gswaterman.wordpress.com/

http://mylifeuncutalmost.wordpress.com/

http://veggiewitch.wordpress.com/

http://spiritualworldtraveler.wordpress.com/

http://catseyesk.wordpress.com/

http://maribelskidneystory.wordpress.com/

http://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com/

http://atasteofmorning.com/

http://photosunterwegs.wordpress.com/

http://ssbuckmaster.wordpress.com/

http://thenovicehousewife.wordpress.com/

http://zygerina.wordpress.com/

http://terriskitchenuk.wordpress.com/

http://pixilatedtoo.wordpress.com/

http://wordsandherbs.wordpress.com/

http://discoveranddevour.com/

http://dragonflydreamsandbutterflykisses.wordpress.com/

http://nickijay.com/

http://magikdolls.wordpress.com/

http://lostupabove.wordpress.com/

http://elladeewords.wordpress.com/

http://momentmatters.wordpress.com/

http://livinginfairyland.wordpress.com/

http://larrylootsteen.wordpress.com/

http://jnanahodson.net/

http://bareyournakedtruth.wordpress.com/

http://francineinretirement.wordpress.com/

http://laurasusanneyochelson.com/

http://beyondcenter.wordpress.com/

http://foreverpoetic.me/

http://creativenoshing.wordpress.com/

Now need to go and get to the other awards …

To Blog or not to Blog …

03 Sunday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 85 Comments

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The last few days I have been debating if I should continue blogging or not.

I started blogging to get stuff out of my chest, heart and mind. And it has helped – a lot! Then I received a comment to one of my posts that left me unsettled, sad and deeply hurt.  The impulsive Aries in me just wanted to stop blogging.  The hell with it, I don’t need this aggravation!

But nothing like time to give us clarity! After a couple of days I realized the following:

1) I don’t have as tough a skin as I thought I did.

I thought that after getting through all the hurdles and roadblocks to get to where I am today I was tough and hardened and things such as other’s opinion of me didn’t affect me.  I have had to fight for everything since arriving in the US at 17 years of age.  I heard a lot “no”s and derrogatory comments and somehow turned those in weapons to make me stronger (or so I thought).

Since when did I became so sensitive?  Something else for my list of things to work on.

2) I was taking things personally

One of my favorite books is “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.  In it he says that if we live by 4 agreements we will experience personal freedom and a life infinitely better.  I am not going to discuss all 4, but one of the agreements is:

Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

It was so good to be reminded that I have been lax in living by the 4 agreements, specially this one.   It is freeing to realize that other’s words and actions are not about me, but based on person’s own problems, misconceptions, agendas, truths, etc.

3) I have a need to please people and want everyone to love and accept me

Why am I wanting/needing other’s approval and acceptance? I know that I cannot ever please everyone, therefore I must continue on my path to speak from the heart and my own truth at that very moment of writing.  If others misunderstand me, I will explain it as many times as necessary, but I will not change my truth to conform to a norm or acceptable standard.  I know who I am and what I am about, if some people get it wrong it is on them not on me.

4) Everyone is entitled to their opinion

I must respect the right of people to have an opinion and voice it.  If I say/write what I want, I must, therefore, be able to hear/read what I don’t want.  And I should be able to take it with class!  After all,  the comment section on my blog says: “Leave a comment”, and not” Leave a good comment”, therefore more than ever all comments are welcomed.

5) I love blogging too much to stop

Blogging has been Godsend to me.  It has given me my own voice back.  It has given me a connection to people, it has given me friendship. It has given me an alternative to lying in bed crying.

So, I decided I am not stopping! I am taking criticism and smiling (perhaps through tears).

I appreciate all comments, good or bad.  The harsh comments are the ones that will make me look inward and question myself.  The harsh comments are the little steps on my stairway to a better person.

ps. thank you sis for saying: Don’t stop it is helping you! and thank you Frank for reminding me to follow my heart!

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

30 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in AWARDS, Daily Life

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I have received the Very Inspiring Blogger Award!!!

Thank you Paula http://paulaacton.wordpress.com for thinking of me with this award! She is a talented writer and mother.   She writes short stories, poetry and family.  I also enjoy her book reviews.  Please go check her out!

Here are the rules to this award:

Thank and link to the person who nominated you

Tell people 7 things about yourself

Nominate 7 people for the award with links to their pages for the for the Very Inspiring blogger award .

Here we go, 7 things about me:

1) I have an identical twin sister that I adore!

2) My first language is Portuguese. I was born in Brazil and travel there twice a year to see my family.

3) I love dogs, but don’t have any. I miss terribly the dog that I had with Ex. I don’t miss Ex anymore, I miss C., the dog.

4) I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of getting old and losing my independence.

5) I choose to be happy on a daily basis. I am an optimist and feel blessed to be here.

6) My car is 25 years old. I hate driving and the best guy for me will enjoy driving me around.

7) Aries is my sun sign.  I am a horse in the Chinese horoscope. I am independent, born to be a leader, impulsive and stubborn.

I am choosing to nominate the blogs that have been my first followers and commentators.  Their support have inspired me to keep going.  They are all fun blogs that range from daily observations of life to poetry and everything else in between.  Please check them out!

1) Moments Matters. http://momentmatters.wordpress.com/

2) An etiquette guide for sluts. http://livinginfairyland.wordpress.com/

3) Ella Dee. http://elladeewords.wordpress.com.

4) Musings of the Amusing Muse. http://musingsoftheamusingmuse.com/

5) Larry Lootsteen. http://larrylootsteen.wordpress.com/

6) Jnana Hodson. http://jnanahodson.net

7) Denise. http://veggiewitch.wordpress.com/

Congratulations to the nominees. Let us all continue inspiring one another!

First e-harmony Date

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Reviews

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I would say that my first e-Harmony date went pretty well.  Everything close to perfect. It would have been perfect if I had liked him in a romantic way.

There was no chemistry.  At least on my part. Him?  I can safely say he was smitten and wants to pursue a relationship.

Let me give you a summary of the date.  We met in the lobby of his hotel (he is from another state). From there we took a cab to the Hurricane Club http://thehurricaneclub.com/

The place was a little louder and larger than I would have liked for a first date, but we started talking and enjoying ourselves that we just forget the loudness and largeness of the place.

The food was great. I specially enjoyed the Double-Crispy Beef.  The meat is so tender it melts in your mouth. Of course I had to have dessert and even though I am not eating chocolate for now, I managed to enjoy some of the Samoan (angel food cake, coconut and caramel). Coconut is my second favorite thing in the world.

Now, ladies and gents, I have a question.  Is it okay to take home the leftovers when you are on a date?  I hate to waste, specially food, so there was no way I was going to leave that beef behind.

**

From there he wanted to go to a roof top bar.  One would think that because I have been working in Manhattan for the past 12 years I would have a good idea of where to go – I didn’t! I managed to get lost while trying to find this one bar that I used to go to years ago.  We ended up near the Empire State and he suggested we go up.

Perhaps kind of lame, but it was great!

Even though they were announcing zero visibility we could see plenty. We stopped awhile at the 86th floor observatory and from there we went all the way to 102.

There were no lines, barely anyone was going up since they said you couldn’t see anything. I think that employees just wanted to leave early or something, you could see everything. The pictures don’t do justice to the view.

After that we took a pedicab to Times Square, and then walked to Grand Central, where we said good bye and I took my train home.

He was a true gentleman, evertyhing was perfect, the conversation flowed, we have the same values and habits, but I couldn’t see myself kissing him. And that to me is a deal breaker. If I can see myself kissing this person there is no way this can go any further.

What is your test to see if a second date is warranted? Does chemistry can suddenly materialize? I don’t think so, I think is either there or not there.

He has e-mailed and I replied saying I want to be just friends. He replied again and ignored that and when on to ask me how I want to be treated.

I am glad I got the first date out of the way. It was fun playing tourist and doing things I never done before (Empire State at night and pedicab ride). I was lucky that it went so well.  It got my spirits and hopes revived.

Next!!

The Beautiful Blogger Award

28 Monday May 2012

Posted by in AWARDS, Daily Life

≈ 14 Comments

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I have received 4 awards this weekend.  I feel overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude towards all the bloggers that nominated me and all that follow me.

But so it doesn’t feel too much like homework I will work on them slowly.

I will start with The Beautiful Blogger Award, which I received from Boomie Bol http://boomiebol.wordpress.com/

Thank you Boomie for thinking of me!! Your comments and support have been a bright light on my blog.

This one doesn’t seem to have many rules, here they are:

Thank and Link-back to your nominator;

~Nominate 7, 6, or fewer (or more) other blogs that you enjoy to receive this award as well;

~Post a comment on each of your nominees blogs with a link to your page for the details;

~Paste the Award image somewhere on your blog, if so desired;

So here are my nominees:

http://frankoshanko.wordpress.com/ – Frank is someone that used heartache and addictions as a springboard to the pursuit of self discovery and fulfillment. He is a person full of gratitude and love for life. His comments to my blog have been right on target and what I needed to hear. Thank you!

http://athingirl.com/ – Susannah is a smart, cultured and sophisticated city girl! She has a discerning eye for details and a creative mind to go along with that.  She has a fun way of writing about the world around her, normally describing details that we miss.  She tackles any subject with grace and humor. She has been  a very supportive blog friend! Thank you!

They are both beautiful people in and out, therefore deserving of this award!

Relationship Smarts?

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 52 Comments

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Disclaimer:  I happen to be a woman that has relationships with men. So when I write I write from that view point. I know that some fellow bloggers will be tempted to point out to me that women can be users too.  For the record: I understand and agree!

***

Are we ever smart enough not to be fooled by a man?  Are we ever aware enough not to confuse lust with love?

My verdict? No, never! No one is immune to a charming man.  No one is ever immune to the right words at the right time. No one is immune to physical chemistry, to that combination of want and need.

I know this woman, not really a friend, friend of a friend type of thing.  This woman is light years ahead of us mere mortals, as someone once described her.  She is a master at yoga, has read all the great books by great authors, has taken countless workshops, retreats, etc.  She has dedicated her life to the pursuit of knowing herself, body and mind.

I would think she would be able to spot a poser, a fake, from miles away, wouldn’t you? Not only she didn’t, she fell for it, hook, line and sinker!!

She called him: “The best choice I ever made”.  She wrote him notes proclaiming her love for him and “all his body parts”, thanking him for “amazing days together”.   And she started making plans for the future.

Fast forward a couple of months and guess what? She realized she had been deceived!  He is no longer her best choice, probably one of her worst.  As for loving all his body parts, she probably now has different ideas of what to do with them.

Moral of the story? No one is immune! If this woman fell for it, what are my chances?  If somebody so smart didn’t see the writing on the wall how can I, simple me, barely crawling on the road to self discovery have any chance?

I am not putting down this woman and all her knowledge, in fact I strive to have similar knowledge.

Perhaps because of the knowledge she has of herself and others she was able to figure him out within months, not years.  Some of us would be still there trying to make this relationship work.  For some of us it would have taken years of delusion, deception, pain and suffering.

I am really trying to be open to, not only to new romantic relationships, but to new friendships and new adventures, to the joy of having new people come into my life; but I am also trying to protect myself from needless pain. So I have to have my guard up, and at the same time not let the fear of getting hurt cripple me. It is a balance oftentimes hard to achieve.

I hope I will be able to pay more attention to the actions and not only to the words.   I hope I will not be blinded by appearances, and instead see the core.  As far as lust and love I am still trying to figure those out.  How do I distinguish between those two? Those are two equally great feeling in their own right.

This is what I have been doing in an effort to minimize my exposure to some of the men out there that don’t have the best intentions:

1)      I pray!  No shame in asking for help from above (or within).  I believe in the power of prayer.  So I pray to God to put good people in my path. I pray that when I encounter people not so great (we need them to learn and grow) that I can learn the lesson quickly and move on.

2)      I try to be the best person I can be!  I believe what I send out in the Universe comes back to me twofold, so if I am good, honest, generous, fun, etc, people that are similar and hold similar values will gravitate towards me.  I am becoming the person that I would like to hang out with.

3)      I am treating myself kindly!  I am being extra nice to myself. I am buying myself flowers, treating myself to nice dinners.  I am allowing myself to take naps.  When I make a mistake I don’t get mad with myself, I forgive myself quickly and move on.   I am paying attention to myself.  I am romancing myself.  That way I am not so needy and starved for attention that I will fall for anyone just because they are showing me attention and being caring.

4)      I am enjoying being single!  I am having fun.  Looking for a partner is no longer a priority. When and if he comes I will welcome him with open arms and we will have fun together, but in the meantime I am enjoying myself.  Being single and free has its perks.  No one to explain or justify anything.  I work each day on finding new joys in single-hood.

Are you able to pick the good ones from the bad ones? Are you able to distinguish between love and lust?

 

Over 200 Followers!!

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 19 Comments

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Happy! Happy!

I am writing to myself, but to have people reading it is the icing on the cake!

Thank you followers!!!