Category Archives: Dating

Missing everything about you …

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 57 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

I wrote this months ago when, clearly,  I missed everything about Ex.

I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of you

I don’t miss your house, I miss playing house

I don’t miss our dinners together, I miss a table for two

I don’t miss the the tennis court, I miss a partner

I don’t miss your bed, I miss a warm body next to me at night

I don’t miss our time together, I miss the daily routine

I don’t miss your kisses, I miss a mouth touching mine

I don’t miss your voice, I miss being told the truth

I don’t miss your touch, I miss being touched

I don’t miss the vacations together, I miss escaping the day to day

I don’t miss you, I miss the fairy-tale, the infinite, the forever

I don’t miss anything about you, yet there is a hole so big and deep that sometimes threatens to swallow me

But in reflecting about this I realize there is one thing I miss. The one thing about you that is pure and honest:  I miss your dog! I miss those big black eyes begging me for a treat!

and this last image is just because it made me laugh:

Never hate …willing to try love again and again

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

, , ,

Trying again and again, falling down, getting up and trying again and again, that to me is life, a continuous cycle of trials, specially my life.

Going for what you want and never giving up, be it a job or love or anything else you aim at, takes determination! It also takes forgetting, forgiving and believing! oh yeah, and one must not forget their sense of humor!

Everyone says “letting go of the past” is essential to moving on. I am beginning to believe that completely “letting go of the past” may never happen for me, so instead I am focusing on making peace with the past.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just makes them less vivid!  The wounds are still there, like battle scars.  The type of scar that still bleeds and hurts when touched.

The above quote is completely right: Letting go isn’t a thing that you do and you are done with. You have to keep doing it over and over again.

I thought that I would magically wake up one day and realize that I no longer had any thoughts of Ex and anything related to him, but that is not the case. Some mornings I wake up and the pain is as fresh as if it all happened yesterday.

I am happy embracing my future, but I find myself making frequent trips to the past. Some days out of the blue the past come flooding back as a torrent that takes me by surprise and breaks me down. I am left in a puddle of tears.

I have been putting so much pressure on myself to let go of the past that it seems to be back-firing.  It is draining me and having the opposite effect.  I decided to try a different approach , and an easier attitude. If I visit the past every now and then, so be it!  It is not the end of the world!

I don’t want Ex anymore, but somehow there is a certain level of comfort in holding on to memories of him, good and bad. The good memories, makes me feel I was loved and that the 3 years were not in vain. The bad memories helps me to move forward, helps me to remember that I need to value myself and put myself in first place.

This has been a year of major realizations.  Ex helped me realize that I am incapable of having mean thoughts and feelings about anyone, including and specially him.  He wrote me an email 2 days ago thanking me for loving him so much and thanking my family for having welcomed him with open arms and treating him like family – Hurricane Sandy made him realize a few things. I cried! Even if it is all bs and chances are great that it is, it touched me and made me realize that I don’t want to hate him, I want to see him happy!  Not with me, but happy!

I really loved him and it is really true what they say about wanting to see the person you love happy.  I am looking past what he did that hurt me.  Our relationship was the entire 3 years and not just the last few months. So he messed up in the last months. He is only human. I am willing to accept that. I think one day he will realize all he has done. But he is not there yet.

I do wish he would examine his actions so he would learn from them, but I am no longer willing to be his instructor.  I am just enjoying having a heart that doesn’t know how to hate. I thank him for the great time, forgive him for the pain he caused and wish him happiness. I find comfort in not hating him.  Actually I should thank him for the pain also, without pain there is no growth!   I have been growing by leaps and bounds because of him!

I replied to the e-mail like I would to an old friend, but didn’t engage in additional exchanges. I am not his friend, but I am not his enemy either. He is a person I knew and cared for! Period! Perhaps I should have not replied, but I am happy I did. It makes me feel more in control this way.  Trying to ignore him made me feel like I was actually giving him power over me.

I navigate life alone beautifully, and I am not faking it, I really enjoy my freedom! I love doing what I want when I want and not having to explain anything to anybody! But, yes there is a but, I really want to find someone with my same values, humor and energy to go through life together.  I want to find someone that thinks that life is both a blessing and a big adventure!

In the meantime I am working on myself, enjoying life and always in search of people and things that will add to my life not detract from it.

I am also looking at how I present myself and how I treat others.  Forgetting about me, me, me and focusing on a greater good sounds like a good recipe for a better future!  Can I behave today better than I did yesterday?  How many people can I make smile tomorrow?

I choose to be happy!!! 🙂

Day 15: … and the chocolate cake of choice is

06 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by in Dating, Food

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

, , ,

So here it is the cake of choice:

Bittersweet Chocolate Cake (Milk Chocolate Ganache)

It was delicious but it didn’t taste like I expected it would.  In a way it was kind of a let down.  Chocolate doesn’t taste the same to me anymore.

I feel chocolate doesn’t have a hold on me anymore.  I feel freed from an addiction!  Even though AL and I shared that small dessert, there was even some left.  Today I bought hot chocolate for a co-workers and chose coffee for myself.

I know that at another time of the month (pms) I will crave chocolate and indulge in it, but it feels great not to feel controlled by it anymore.  It feels great not to want it!

Don’t get me wrong, I battle sugar constantly, some days are easier than others, but I feel that conquering chocolate is progress and brings me closer to having a normal relationship with sugar.

***

So last night, we had a great meal at a local restaurant called Alvin and Friends http://www.alvinandfriendsrestaurant.com!  I had Caramelized Salmon with Roasted Potatoes, Asparagus, Pot Likker Butter Sauce.  AL had Braised Curried Lamb Shank with Black Eyed Pea Vegetable Salad, Lemon-Truffle Vinaigrette.  Both dishes were delicious!  But we both still vote the duck the best dish there – and I am not even a duck person!!

Followed by conversation, music and even some Sunday night football!

Life is amazing and it keeps getting better all the time!! 🙂

 

An amazing night on the town! – Day 5

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by in Dating

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

I had a great night last night,  hives and all!

My date (we shall call him AL) and I took a pedicab for 10 blocks as it is impossible to find a cab on Thursday nights in Manhattan.  Price: $52.00!!!  AL thought that the price was okay as he had already heard horror stories of people being charged $450 for a ride around Central Park.  So if you ever in New York City and decide to take a pedicab, please make sure that you ask the price first!

We had a great meal at Rosie O’Grady’s.  He had Filet Mignon Medallions and I had Fish and chips! We had a very attentive and funny waiter! All was perfect!

Then we walked a block to the Roseland Ballroom.  We got there as the Opening Act was finishing.

I headed to the bathrooms downstairs and was shocked at the length of the line to the ladies room.  There were at least 100 ladies in the line.  Note to self: next time go to the ladies room at the restaurant.

They have the same number of stalls for men as they do for women, so every once in awhile they make the men wait and they let the women use the men’s room.  I could not believe the reaction of some guys,  just downright gross, rude and obnoxious, all because they had to wait for a few minutes.  I wonder if the complainers have girlfriends or wives, I know that they must have had a mother, and she would not be proud!

The Counting Crows took the stage and it was great! I wish I knew more of their songs or perhaps that they played more of the songs I knew, but I love Adam Duritz’s voice so it was great no matter what he sang.  I sang along with the songs I knew and I dance to most songs.  Dancing always makes my mood even better!

After the show we were able to find a cab and went to the Top of the Strand, a roof top bar that had an amazing view of the Empire State Building!  At that moment I felt incredibly blessed to be able to be where I was at that moment! I feel blessed that I am able to recognize how lucky I am!

They had music going at the bar, and even though there was no one dancing, I danced to a couple of songs! Then I just sat down and enjoyed the view.

I realize now that I have no clue what time we got to the concert, what time we left, what time I went to bed. Perhaps a sign of a great date is when you have no concern for time at all!

AL? What can I say about AL?  It turns out I could say a lot, but I will refrain from saying too much at this moment.  Just know that he was his usual great self, funny, attentive and great to be with. Things are going slow and well! Just what I need right now!

 

 

What I have been up to lately …

28 Friday Sep 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I have been silent – here! In non-virtual life I still talk too much, volunteer and share too much! 🙂  I guess hurting over still loving Ex was providing me with the inspiration/motivation to write.  Once love turned to anger and now to plain nothingness the urge and need to write or I will explode is no longer here.

I still love the written word and wish to find the motivation from within and from daily life to continue blogging.

I lurk around some of my favorite blogs but can’t even seem to muster motivation to comment or even like, perhaps I have been trying to disappear?? At moments like this I wish I had a therapist on speed dial that I could call and ask!

Here is a quick update of my life:

Mom is in town visiting from Brazil, so my routine has been totally changed.  I am exercising less and eating more, which as everyone knows it is not a great combination!!   Mom believes that food is love, so rejecting her food is the same as rejecting her love.  As the good daughter that I am I just eat and say how good everything is!

We have already spent a weekend at Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods Casinos in CT.   We didn’t lose too much so that to me is winning!  We have already done more shopping than will fit in her luggage.  And somehow any time I take her shopping I end up buying more than she does.  A Broadway show and The Museum of Natural History will be next!

The Ex got wind that my mother is in town and has e-mailed me to take us out to dinner.  I have continued to remain silent and ignore it. Still it is annoying the fact that he thinks all is fine enough to go out and have dinner together! Clueless!

Work is work.  No challenges and mysteries any more.  Too predictable at times, it can be boring but there is some comfort in the same old same old.

I continue to do Pilates twice a week and still adore it, even though some times in the middle of an exercise I feel more like crying and giving up.  I continue to hit tennis balls against a wall and take lessons every now and then as weather and my instructor’s schedule permits.

I have not returned to Zumba, for now I do it at home.  I turn on youtube, put on my favorite short shorts and just dance like a wild woman in my living room.  I make sure to close the curtains as not to scare any of my neighbors.

My mosaic project is still in the middle and my French has also stalled.  Will go back to it, but lately not much into forcing myself to do anything I don’t want to! 🙂

I have been seeing a much younger man.  I don’t want to call it dating; in fact I am not sure what to call it.  Yes I know all that is wrong with it!   I am taking it one day at a time and trying not to think too much about it or make too many plans.  I like spending time with him and for now that is enough for me.  I am living the right now and allowing myself not to think of the future.  I know it will not last forever – nothing does!!

I may wake up tomorrow and decide that I want a commitment, but for now dinners out and movie nights are exactly what the doctor ordered.

Lucky me! I saw Ex and got to meet the new girlfriend! :(

10 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 160 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

As I had mentioned before I had  been staying away from the US Open this year for fear of running into Ex. We share a loge box so we would be seated together if I went and used my seats.  The only day that I thought I was safe to go was on the second Friday which is the Women’s Semi Final’s day because no one cares to watch that.  He has never attended it.

So on Friday morning I was having a very frustrating day at work and with some additional personal problems that I was getting nowhere in trying to get resolved I decide to just leave it behind and go to the Open.  I still had the tickets, because as I mentioned you can’t give them away, let alone sell it. So I decided to go.

I get there and I am sitting and enjoying the match when all of a sudden there is a tap on my shoulder as someone says my name.  I turn around and I am face to face with Ex.  I think I stopped breathing for a second. I was shell shocked.  He said: How are you? I said fine thanks. He says to the woman sitting next to him: I recognized her by the ring!  I was wearing this big blue daisy cocktail ring.

And of course the woman next to him is the new girlfriend.  He points to her and says to me: this is M. Of course I knew her name but had never seen her face.  She extended her hand, I shook it and said hello, smiled and immediately turned to the front to continue watching the game.  I was shaking. I had a million emotions go through me in the space of seconds. To have 2 of the last people you ever want to see sitting behind you is very disconcerting.  He tapped me again on the shoulder and said he was going to get water if I wanted anything.  humm, do I want anything? Can you give me a order of you and your girlfriend disappearing from my face?

I have to say that this new girlfriend strikes me as being a good person, probably too good for him. I felt like warning her. But of course it is none of my business. I truly wish them both happiness, I just don’t want to witness it.

I didn’t last long sitting there.  I gathered my stuff got up and left without making eye contact. I stood outside recomposing myself. I think I was outside for 15 minutes deciding if I would go home or not.  I decided to return and do what I had intended from the beginning: watch a game that I love.

I went back and sat down and concentrated on the game.  After awhile I heard them leaving and I thanked heaven.  But after 1 hr they returned. But by then I was doing better.  Until she gets up and goes somewhere and he taps me on the shoulder to make small talk.  He asks me how my tennis is going. I try as best as I could to form some coherent sentence. I said something about tennis lessons going well, then I said lessons were over.  I felt my speech slurred.  Thank God the game re-stared and I turned around to watch it.  But at that moment when I turned around, I could feel the tears flooding my eyes and I fought hard not to start crying.  I was successful.

When the game was over we all got up and again he tapped my arm and said bye and she said nice to meet you and honestly I don’t remember if I  said anything back or not.

Later that night he sends me a text:

“You look great and it was very nice to see you.  I am sorry if I said or did anything that made you uncomfortable.  There were so many things I want to talk to you about but I will refrain until you tell me it is ok, love you, good night.”

I saw his text the following morning and immediately it hit me and I managed to control the tears.  I know it is okay to cry but lately I am trying to hold back unless I am facing my wailing wall http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/09/06/1327/ .  Each time I cry it feels I am giving him power.  I know that the tears now have a different meaning.  They are no longer tears of sadness and longing.  It is mostly tears of anger.

I tried my best not to reply.  I reached out to the one person that I felt would understand me best without judging any of my feelings.  I felt he would set me straight and convince me to continue to remain silent.  He was not available!  That is the problem with relying on others for strength.  What happens when they are not available or willing? So from now on complete reliance in me and the God within me!

So unfortunately I replied.  I know, I know, that was a temporary step back on my progress. But now it is done. And I cannot undo the past.

Here is the stupidity that I replied to him last night:

“If you only knew the extent of my pain! I don’t know from where the tears still come from.  You two look happy together! I wish you both only the best! May she make you happy like I was not able to! May you respect her like you you did not respect me!”

After 10 minutes I added: (yep, mistake number 2)

“I just wish I could understand what happened with the love you said you had for me.”

I sent the texts and went to bed crying.  I cried myself to sleep! I promise it is the last time!!

Of course he has not replied!  and I am okay with that.  I didn’t expect he would.  He doesn’t like to be questioned.  Any time I had any questions he would go into avoidance and silence mode. Yep, those should have been big clues.  I am also happy and relieved that he didn’t reply because I shouldn’t be having any conversations with him.

And of course I know better than to reply to him!  I know that he doesn’t know what love is! I know that he has no conscience of how he disrespected me!  And the most important:  It does not matter what answers he may be able to give me! Nothing will change!  I am over and done with that part of my life! I am better! In fact I should really thank him for letting me go.

***

But I think that all these happenings help me to continue to move forward!  Even if replying to his text was a mistake, I am not dwelling on that!

Amid all the pain and tears this weekend I had great moments!  I watched some great tennis matches!

Also I went out to dinner with a great guy.  We have gone out several times now and it has been a lot fun! Since I don’t want to jinx it I will refrain from writing too much about it at this moment!

I may end up having to eat my words when I wrote this:  http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/10-reasons-not-to-date-a-younger-guy/

(all images from Google images)

 

Welcome to my e-Harmony profile!

30 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating

≈ 125 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

(tomorrow is the last day of my subscription with e-Harmony, please see this post for more on that subject: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/07/26/counting-the-days-until-i-am-free-from-e-harmony/ )

A fellow blogger and reader has been curious about my e-Harmony profile.    I think he believes there could lie the answer to my lack of responses problem.

As far as the pictures are concerned (no I will not be posting them) they show me on vacation, and doing stuff I enjoy such as skiing, watching tennis at the US Open, etc.  In hindsight perhaps I should have added one or 2 pictures of my fabulous cleavage – lol.

So, Chris this if for you!  Start dissecting it! lol

Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

There are a lot people that have contributed to who I am and where I am.  I will be glad to discuss it in person.  I believe that everyone that comes into your life has something to teach you.
What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

Honesty and Respect are two of the most important qualities I expect in a person. I am looking for someone with a good heart, someone that loves and respects his parents. I want someone that is happy in his work , if not then striving to do something else. I want someone that will love me, honor and cherish me.  I want a partner in life and for life, someone that I can dream and plan with.

Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

My smile and happy attitude. I like to be friendly and to make other people feel comfortable.

What is the ONE thing that people DON’T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

I wish they would realize how unique, real and honest I am.  I like speaking the truth and being myself and not trying to represent something I am not. I would also like for people to know that I am happy to be alive and feel blessed for each day.  I would like people to know that all joking and laughing aside I am a great friend on hard times too!

What are five things that you “can’t live without?”

  1. Faith in a powerful being and the Universe.
  2. My family that supports me no matter what!
  3. Weekends, a chance to renew.
  4. Work, classes, being productive in society.
  5. The belief that the love of my life is out there.

Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

Peace is every Step: The path of mindfulness in everyday life by Thich Nhat Hanh.   I am still reading it, but benefiting from it very much.  It is about discovering the peace within and living the present moment (something I, sometimes have a problem with.
Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I am fun, honest, love life and I am grateful for every moment.  I want to find an equal fun, honest and grateful person. I have a lot to offer.  I am a self made person who has worked hard for what I have. I have been away from my family since I was 17 yrs old.  I try to go to Brazil twice a year to see them. I hope that my partner will come with me.

What are you most passionate about?

I am passionate about leading a good life and about helping my family. I am originally from Brazil but have been living in the US for over 2 decades. I enjoy improving myself and learning new things.  I love traveling.  I like to attend any live events from sports to opera.  I enjoy skiing and playing tennis even though I am just a beginner at both sports.  I enjoy eating great food and quiet nights sipping wine.  I enjoy reading self improvement and inspirational books and blogs. I am also passionate about finding a partner in life that appreciates honesty and respect. I want to be your muse and to make you smile.

What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

  1. Life and God.  Each new day is a gift and a chance to improve.
  2. My great family: mother, father, brother and sister.
  3. Hope and Faith. My positive outlook in life.  The certainty that no matter what I will always be fine!

The four things your friends say about you are: (chosen from a list of about 30 items)

Optimistic

Intelligent

Hard-working

Passionate

What are three of my best life skills? (chosen from a list of 10 items)

Achieving personal goals

Maintaining an organized life

Managing my finances
How do you typically spend your leisure time?

In my free time I enjoy pampering myself with a massage or manicure,etc.  I enjoy walking around my neighborhood and discovering new places. I enjoy spending time with friends and family.  I enjoy going to live events and eating out. I enjoy dancing, playing tennis and board games. I also go to the gym, even though I do not enjoy it very much. At times I try to be still, mindful of my breath and think how blessed I am. I enjoy a good book or a good tv show.  I enjoy a variety of things.  I can have fun doing anything – it all depends on the right company.

An open letter to my Friend … Letting go of pain and fear and embracing the moment!

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 215 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

(this started as an e-mail to my friend after a long conversation last night.  

Dear Friend, this is to you, and to me, and to all in pain!)

I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words.  But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. I wish I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.

I hope one day to come up with a magic word that will snap you out of the past and into the present. Until then I will keep trying with the weapons I have: brutal honesty peppered with humor all enveloped in love.

I wish I could just give you a hug and hold you for a long time and be held by you for a long time.  I want to be like that as day turns into night and then into day again. I just think that you need to be handled with love and care like I do. And I am not talking about sex (even though, that probably wouldn’t be so bad either), I am just talking human touch and connection.  Just that feeling of somebody being there for you – no words necessary!

I don’t know the extent of your hurt and your pains from the past, but I know that is holding you back from being in the present and looking to a future.  I don’t want to compare my pain with your pain.  We all hurt in different ways and different degrees.  We all deal with it in different ways.  I really have no business telling you what to do, how to react and how to feel.  But being a friend allows me no other choice.  I have to tell you how I feel.

.. and in writing this to you I realize I am also writing it to myself!

I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME.  I don’t want anything from you.  I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! That is why I make the most stupid jokes, all in an attempt to hear your laughter!

I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion.  You have morals and lives by them! What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, fallible, caring and sensitive.

I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past!

I want you to stop fearing your future! Live the now in full!  Be here completely now!

You are not your past and your past is not you! Right now you can decide who you want to be and what life and future you want.

Respect the pain! Don’t run away or try to bury your past: expose it, confront it, feel it, cry it, mourn it, forgive it, and then let it go! Stop dragging it around with you.  It is such a heavy baggage and it has no place in your present and future.

Forgive the people that hurt you in the past!  Only when you forgive them, you are able to leave them where they belong:  in the past.  Let them be just a page on your big book of life. You have no idea of the pain that they could be carrying themselves.  Whatever they did to you it was not because of you but because of their own pains and their inabilities of dealing with it and communicating their needs. Wish them well, pray for them.  I still pray for Ex and wish him only the best in life. The peace that I get whenever I send him good thoughts is priceless to me.  It frees me.  It pacifies my heart!

Forgive yourself! Even if you think that you caused yourself pain in the past or that somehow you did something to deserve it, realize that you are a flawed human being. You will make mistakes every now and then – making mistakes is part of our growing.  The key here is to acknowledge it, learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go!

Believe in God without any question! Believe that there is a reason for everything, even in the hurt.  If you believe that God is a loving and merciful God than what do you fear? What do you doubt?  Pray, meditate, talk to God, tell him your fears, place your fears in his hands and let it go!

Be grateful! Remember to thank God for the goodness he has blessed you with.  Remember to be thankful for everything you have in life. Be grateful for your health and the health of family members, for the job you have, for the house you live in and the car you drive.  Be grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and the benefits of the rain, for the food you just had and for the smile of a stranger!

Pain is necessary and unavoidable! The pain was necessary to get you to where you are today!  But it is your choice to wallow in self pity or gain strength from it and move on.  And don’t get me wrong, the future won’t be only love and joy, you will probably get hurt again, but that is called living!  If were not for the bad, the good wouldn’t have any flavor.

The best is yet to come. We both thought that our last relationships were amazing and the one that we were destined to be with, but guess what? Life has bigger and better things in store for us.  That was just an appetizer for the feast that lies ahead!

Am I just fooling myself?  Perhaps, but who really knows what the future holds? No one, but God (if you believe), so choose to live a life that is full of promise.  Concentrate on today and love and live the most that you can! Send to the Universe that idea the your future is so bright you will need sunglasses 24/7.

Hurt? Hurt is growing pains! Hurt is just the price that we have to pay for the ultimate happiness!

Stop looking for answers! Sometimes in life there are no answers.  People behave in the ways they behave and sometimes it makes no sense and there is no explanation.  Yes, they could have been honest and open and upfront about whatever was troubling them instead of blindsiding us with “we are over”.

See hardships as gifts! I totally believe that when people break up with us they are doing us a favor! Of course I wish the break up was different. Pain and hurt are there to makes us stronger.  It forces one to confront themselves and either fall apart or thrive!  It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves and be the best that we can be!  There is an unique lesson here and we need/want to make sure not to miss it!

Enjoy life-don’t let fear hold you back! I want you to go out and dance and date! Try again, as many times as necessary! (yeah I must admit this was a real tough one for me to write.  There is nothing I dread more than you finding someone and my dreams of ever meeting you and perhaps being more than friends will have to come to an end.  But when you love someone you have to put their needs ahead of your wants.)

LIVE! LOVE! AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, WHENEVER YOU CAN! That is my dream and hope for you!

(Thank you Ex for making my pain so unbearable that I started writing a blog so I would not explode. Were not for that, I would not have gotten back to my love of writing.  Were not for that I would not  have met so many great people that genuinely care and graciously offer their love in the form of comments. Were not for that I would have not met my Friend – the one that I am sure was part of my life in a previous existence.  He walked straight into my heart!. My heart doesn’t have an exit door!  Once you are in you are there to stay)

 

Counting the days until I am free from e-harmony!

26 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating

≈ 104 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

I joined e-Harmony about 5 months ago. When I joined I didn’t have grand illusions of finding “the One”. I simply wanted to go on dates every now and then. I guess my real hope was that the attention of men would keep my mind off of Ex.

From the beginning e-Harmony was a letdown. In the second month I wrote about it: http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/14/so-far-e-harmony-sucks/

From there things just gotten worst!

I am glad that my sentence, I mean subscription, is coming to an end at the end of the month. I am tired of feeling rejected by people that I don’t even know and that don’t even know me.   I think that there is something very wrong with e-Harmony.  I don’t know what the problem is, but there has to be an explanation for the lack of responses I have received.  And I know, I know that some of you know at least one couple that met through e-Harmony, still I think that the number of happy couples is probably very low when compared with the number of total members they have.

I have an honest profile (describing exactly who I am and what I want) and honest pictures (nothing professional, but pictures showing what I love to do, skiing, at the US Open, on vacation). What I want in a man? Honesty is the number one requirement. I want a man that likes himself, likes to travel, has a good heart, has a sense of humor. I appreciate a man that loves his family, likes animals and is curious about the world. It would be nice if he likes sports – both watching and playing. I want a man that is spiritual and believes in God.  I want a man that looks to improve himself, physically and mentally.  I don’t think I am asking too much.  At any rate, I am only asking for what I am willing to offer.

I have had a grand total of 1 date! Yes only 1! I know it is quality and not quantity that I should be after but only 1 in 5 months sounds a bit ridiculous. I must say that that one date was terrific even though there was no love connection. I wrote about it here:  http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/29/first-e-harmony-date/ I am even going to visit him in a couple of weeks. So I should count myself lucky for having made a friend.  But honestly I signed up to get dates.

The last couple of months I wasn’t even checking e-harmony anymore. I just have been waiting for my subscription to be over, so that I stop feeling like I am paying to be rejected.

But to make sure that I had given it my 100% effort, 2 weeks ago I made a point of sending every single match that they sent me an ice-breaker saying: “I would love to chat”. I sent it to everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone!! I wanted to test it.  I figure that if I didn’t wait to be contacted and reached out to everyone I would at least get some responses.  I expected that out of the 30/40 men a few would reply and I would know, at least, that there are some live matches and would be able to at least think that e-harmony was doing their job.

So after 2 weeks guess how many responses I received. NONE!.  No kidding, not a single one! I don’t know about you, but I find that incredible!  To me that means something is horribly wrong with their site or matching system. They are probably matching me with people who are no longer registered in the service and therefore no longer receiving ice-breakers (they keep the profile of non-members up).  Also, I specified I wanted people closer to me and they give me matches from places as far as Singapore and Australia, to name a few.

No matter what the reason is, it was just a confirmation that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I don’t even want to ask for my money back. I believe they did me a favor.  Ultimately it was a blessing not to be bombarded with e-mails and engage in relationships right after the break-up. The time alone has been intensely rewarding and necessary.  From starting my blog to tennis lessons, from reaching out to old friends to making new ones, I am busy and happy!

I believe that trying to take shortcuts after a breakup eventually backfires.  I was trying to immediately replace Ex.  I failed to realize that a relationship that lasted 3 years, and that for the most part was amazing deserved my respect.  I had to spend time feeling the pain fully, mourning the end of a dream and going through all of the 5 stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) . I was trying to skip steps, trying to run before I can even walk, and in the end that would  have caused more heartaches.

What next? Match.com? Plenty of Fish? No more online dating for me! At least not for now – I do reserve the right to change my mind.  As far as e-harmony I will not change my mind, I am never doing that again!

For now I am staying put just going about my day and pursuing my interests.  I am making a point of being fully present in the moment, loving and living each moment to the best of my ability.

I am working on myself, mind, spirit and body and being the best that I can.  I do have my eyes, heart and mind open and when that lucky guy comes around (and perhaps he is already here) I will be more ready, better able and ever willing!

So officially on August 1 I am free from e-harmony! So, goodbye it has not been fun!

In looking back I move forward …

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 116 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness.  So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control.  That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week.  So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.

(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)

October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.

November 2011.  I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!

December 2011.  We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.

January 2012.   I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him.  I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.

February 2012.  I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable.  I count the hours til I am going to see him next.  He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing.  I continue to lie to myself.  He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.

March 2012.  I start this blog.  I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.

April 2012.  He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time.  For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out).  I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.

May and June 2012.  I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength.  Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips.  I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.

July 10th 2012.  He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined.  I decide that I need to stop this insanity.  Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again.  I have to cut all contact.  I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form.  He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.

He didn’t try very hard…

July 13, 2012.  He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work)  has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.

I get so angry when I read that.  Tears start rolling down my face.  This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face.  I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not.  Very weird, but very fitting I believe.   This pain is also different.

This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past.  This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing.  This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.

After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.

I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again.  I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point.   I am not even curious about what he learned.   It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.

Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying.  At peace with being alone. At peace with life.  At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.

I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes.  I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave.  I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love.  I still pray for his well-being.  I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.

New Friend/New love.  I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone.  It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me.  When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word.  And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will.  This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow.  So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.

Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.

I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story.  I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs.  Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.

Current Life. I love my new small apartment.  It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do.  I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.

My Projects.

– Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.

– Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!

–Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body.  It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.

–French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!

–Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.

–Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled.  I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.

–Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.

***

Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!

I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come.  I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.

Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.

I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.

I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship.  I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship.  I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue.  There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will  be able to see things clearly.

In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.

So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page.  I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh.  You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.

I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad.  I welcome all and try to learn all that I can.  I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may.  I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can.  As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me.  I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able.  Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.

****

(all images from google images)