Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Is sugar my new Ex? Am I looking for love in desserts?

21 Saturday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

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The 101st post should symbolize the beginning of a new and better chapter. But as someone once said: “the more things change the more they remain the same”.

All of a sudden it seems I am back to trying to forget a love, a love so deep that it seems more like a need, like water and air.  It seems life won’t be the same without it.  At least not as sweet.

I haven’t really realized the dis-functionality of my relationship with sugar until recently.  I have always known I have a sweet tooth, but lately it is out of control.  I am sitting in the train on the way home from work and I just inhaled a lemon square bar before the train even leaves the station. And that is after having a cupcake at work.  No, not any little cupcake, Crumbs cupcake, which is probably 1,000 calories each!

Did I need that?  Was I hungry? Do I really love lemon squares? No, no and no!   I didn’t need it and I was not hungry.  I wouldn’t give a lemon square a second look were not for the fact that I quit chocolate months ago.  Since giving up chocolate I have learned to eat sweets I have never touched before, such as gummy bears and peanut butter. All of a sudden I don’t discriminate, all sugars are welcome.  I am not proud of that! I know very well that I am replacing one addiction with another.

How do I feel now? Certainly not happy!  The happy feeling disappeared almost as immediately as the lemon square did. I feel lousy and nauseous! I think it is high time that I face the fact that I am addicted to sugar!

Hi, My name is A. and I am a sugar addict!

I knew I was addicted to chocolate and one day last year, well on November 4th 2011 to be exact (http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/19/bye-bye-chocolate-see-you-soon/) I promised myself to stop eating chocolate for one year.  I am happy and proud to say that I haven’t broke that promise. I have not touched any kind of chocolate in any way, shape or form.

That makes it clear that I have some will power – chocolate is absolutely my favorite food in the world.  Quitting sugar, however, even if only for a day, is not that simple.  Sugar is a too broad a category to quit.

The past 8 months without chocolate hasn’t been that easy, but it hasn’t been that terrible either, except for this week.  This week all I think about from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed is chocolate and sweets. Some of my friends asked me if I am about to get my period.  No, I am not! I cannot use that excuse! Then another very smart friend said: you are missing F (F is for friend, the new friend that populates my imagination and heart.  The friend that tucks me in bed every night with his voice).  I think she has a point!

I haven’t been able to talk to my friend every night and I miss him. I miss the joy that his voice brings me.  I have been suffering best friend withdrawal.

Gosh, what does that say about me? My need to always have comfort and joy. Am I a needy hedonist? Am I trying to silence some emotional need with sugar and people?

I had promised myself that next time I had a huge craving for sugar I would stop and take a few deep breaths, say a prayer, meditate, anything that would make me stop and think.  Did I do that? NO.  I didn’t think of it. There appears to be no time between the want and the action.

Well, if it is any consolation I am happy I didn’t eat the other lemon square.  Yes, I bought two!!  I am also happy that, unlike in the past,  I am not considering that the day is over and now making a mental list of what else bad I can eat.  Yes I am going to give myself credit for that.  I am going to be nice and forgive myself whenever I can, that is my new attitude.

I also don’t want to think of food as bad and good, that will just make me crave the forbidden ones. I don’t want to make sugar the bad guy.  I like sugar too much for that!

Now I crave salt, perhaps to counter balance the sweetness of the lemon square. I am sitting next to a huge guy, eating a huge bag of popcorn, the smell is killing me.  I am dying for some. I want to just snag the bag from him.  He is clearly on the way to eating the whole bag and he certainly doesn’t need to eat the whole bag, he can barely fit in the seat.  Stop! Stop! Stop judging people, I tell myself! You don’t know what his issues are.  Focus on your own issues and let others be!

After I scold myself, I let go of the thoughts of popcorn and try to focus on  the whys of my sugar needs.

Perhaps I can blame my sugar obsession on my parents.  Every time my sister and I cried we had a pacifier coated with sugar placed into our mouths. So, the association of sugar and love goes way back.  But I am choosing a life of no blame, more acceptance and gratitude. My parents did the best they could with the tools they had. I owe my parents respect and gratitude, and I treat them as best as I can. Plus I am not a baby anymore, I am in charge of what goes into my mouth.

Following that same thought, it is not my friend’s absence’s fault either. After all, my friend is in my heart and mind and with me the whole time. Anytime I miss him all I have to do is close my eyes and I can hear him saying my name.

I think that the main problem is not wanting to let go of something that makes me feel good and has been bringing me comfort and joy forever.  Sugar is part of every celebration.  I turn to sugar when I am happy or sad, anxious or calm, run down or full of energy. Sugar is the best friend that is always there!

I don’t want to be enemies with sugar. I want to be friends with it and be able to have it any time I want it, but in small quantities. Is sugar my new ex-boyfriend? It is being bad to me and I am still holding on to it.  The relationship is not longer working and yet I keep looking the other way.  Can I be friends with sugar or, similar to Ex, I have to just cut it from my life until I am strong enough to deal with it in a healthy manner?

I cannot imagine a sugarless life! I don’t want to imagine it! And don’t even mention getting my sugar from fruit!  When I want sugar I can eat a ton of fruit and I still want candy, cakes, ice cream.

The crux of the matter perhaps is some deep emotional issue.  Am I trying to hide some pain? Am I trying to fill some need?  It is scary to think that I may have some deep emotional issue that I am not aware of.

But perhaps the issue is nothing deep or emotional, perhaps it is just some chemical imbalance.  There are too many variables.  I know I have to do some thing, but not sure what  and I don’t plan on going crazy and fanatical about it.  Going crazy about it is the easiest way to have it backfire and make me crave sugar even more.

I am glad that I have already scheduled a complete physical on Tuesday.  I am looking forward to making sure that the levels of my cholesterol, triglycerides, and all other tests they will perform are normal.   I plan on learning more about nutrition, perhaps even visit a nutritionist.  I also need to get back to keeping a food journal.  I just need to stop planning and talking about and just do it!

The time is now!

I am always positive and optimistic.  I am happy that I have come to the realization that an action is necessary.  After all recognizing there is a problem is the first step.  To me writing about is the second, and hopefully action is the third!

I would appreciate hearing from anyone that has or had to deal with a sugar addiction, or any kind of addiction for that matter.  Perhaps with everyone’s input I can come up with a list of tips on handling cravings.

Now, once I have the sugar thing nipped in the bud, I am moving on to bread and butter  …

But on a second thought, I never smoked or did drugs, rarely drink or gamble, enjoy sex as much as the next person, do I really need to give up sugar?

In looking back I move forward …

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness.  So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control.  That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week.  So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.

(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)

October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.

November 2011.  I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!

December 2011.  We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.

January 2012.   I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him.  I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.

February 2012.  I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable.  I count the hours til I am going to see him next.  He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing.  I continue to lie to myself.  He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.

March 2012.  I start this blog.  I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.

April 2012.  He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time.  For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out).  I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.

May and June 2012.  I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength.  Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips.  I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.

July 10th 2012.  He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined.  I decide that I need to stop this insanity.  Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again.  I have to cut all contact.  I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form.  He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.

He didn’t try very hard…

July 13, 2012.  He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work)  has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.

I get so angry when I read that.  Tears start rolling down my face.  This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face.  I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not.  Very weird, but very fitting I believe.   This pain is also different.

This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past.  This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing.  This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.

After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.

I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again.  I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point.   I am not even curious about what he learned.   It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.

Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying.  At peace with being alone. At peace with life.  At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.

I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes.  I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave.  I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love.  I still pray for his well-being.  I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.

New Friend/New love.  I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone.  It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me.  When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word.  And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will.  This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow.  So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.

Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.

I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story.  I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs.  Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.

Current Life. I love my new small apartment.  It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do.  I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.

My Projects.

– Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.

– Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!

–Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body.  It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.

–French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!

–Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.

–Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled.  I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.

–Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.

***

Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!

I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come.  I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.

Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.

I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.

I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship.  I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship.  I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue.  There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will  be able to see things clearly.

In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.

So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page.  I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh.  You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.

I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad.  I welcome all and try to learn all that I can.  I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may.  I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can.  As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me.  I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able.  Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.

****

(all images from google images)

 

We can be brighter than the sun!

12 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Poetry

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Because I am duality personified: One day I cry over a lost love, the next I smile dreaming and welcoming a new one.  Because fear of getting hurt again doesn’t scare me!

So, this is to you, brand new, dare I say it? yes I dare, LOVE!

Because I dare to dream I dare to want you

I dare to want you because I dare to dream

In this sacred space that is called heart

I have made room for you, and yet it is not a prison – you can always get out

But if you choose to leave some remnants of what never was will always be

Because the dark crying days makes me want you more

The magic of what it is to come is too tempting to pass up

I wished I had waited for you and be yours to discover for the first time

I hoped and pursued, and in each failed one I hoped for you

But your arrival is still doubtful, your fears are consuming, almost paralyzing

And in the pieces of my broken heart I see the future even more bright

I am in love with the now, with all the promises that it holds

Nothing better than to wonder when we will meet, to dream about the details

Who needs reality? All my dreams awake and asleep are you

Will you be as hungry for me as I am for you?

Turning my bedroom into a battle zone, messing up my hair and my mind in the end

I want all that intimacy again, but I want more and I want better

I want to be taken and savored and fall sleep exhausted in your arms

In the meantime I wait, for you to come and take what is yours

And yet there is no pressure, nothing will change, because in all this I am just being me

Simply loving, without fully knowing, completely giving without reservations

Taking huge leaps of faiths, willing to fall and get hurt again

My mind tries, but the heart is always in control, so there is no choice but to offer myself completely

**

Because sometimes a song illustrates so well what I want to say.  This song is for you because I think our love can be brighter than the sun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KU5o6M7S5nQ

“Brighter Than The Sun” – Colbie Caillat

Stop me on the corner
I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go with it
Don’t you blink you might miss it
See we got a right to just love it or leave it
You find it and keep it
Cause it ain’t every day you get the chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

I’ve never seen it, I found this love, I’m gonna feed it
You better believe, I’m gonna treat it better than anything I’ve ever had
Cause you’re so damn beautiful
Read it, it’s signed and delivered let’s seal it
Boy we go together like peanuts and paydays and Marley and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Everything is like a white out, cause we shika-shika a shine down
Even when the, when the light’s out but I can see you glow
Got my head up in the rafters, got me happy ever after
Never felt this way before, ain’t felt this way before

I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go?

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun

Hanging on for dear life!

10 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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Yesterday was a days of ups and downs. One minute laughing, the next crying.

UP. I woke up happier than usual, for the first time in several months I have slept 6 hours straight!

DOWN. I was walking to the station and all of a sudden next to me there is this man with a huge snake around his neck. All snake lovers out there please forgive me but I am terrified of snakes.  It is more than that, to me they are always an omen of an impeding catastrophe.

UP. When returning the rental car the bill was $100 less than it was quoted. (by the way I rented a car to drive to Atlantic City to see Kanye West, I will write a post about at some point)

DOWN. We fired an employee.  I am sad and scared for him.  His life was already a mess, I am afraid that he may spiral out of control.  On the other hand this could be the best thing that ever happened to him.  Sometimes a person doesnt see a way out until they hit rock bottom.

UP. The books I ordered for a friend arrived and I was so excited to mail it to them. I truly enjoy giving gifts better than receiving. I can’t wait for him to get them!

MAJOR DOWN. Ex e-mails me to confirm that I am not going away with him to an event this weekend and letting me know there are still tickets left.  He also added that he hoped we could remain in touch.

It brought back a whole host of happy memories of the same event last year.  Was it all lies? Was I alone in my happiness and didn’t know it?

I replied thank you for the information and all the best, that is all I said.  Of course that was a green light for him to e-mail again. I ignored the following e-mail. But the damage was already done I was already a pile of tears.

I e-mailed my friend, or perhaps I should call him “my rock”. He pointed out some things to me:

1) I am not really completely over Ex, and perhaps there will always be something there.

2) If I really want to get over him I need to be tough and take a stand on any contact.

3) He is really not respecting my wishes about invitations.

4) He thinks that I will give in and have a relationship on his terms (booty call, vacation buddy)

5) I have to give up the idea of being friends with him.  If he was at least honest about his wrongdoing but he refuses to acknowledge and talk about it.  I cannot be friends with somebody I don’t respect.

5) I was being a bit of a masochist in trying to continue a relationship with him.

And he is right on all counts! So I once again resolve not to ever reply to any contact again.

Thank God the work day is coming to an end.

UP. I got to the lobby of my building and one of the doormen calls me aside and says that it is his last day working here, and I am one person that he wanted to make sure to say good bye because as he puts it: “you are always smiling and so happy, so pleasant, a joy to be around”. It is rewarding to hear that. No matter what is going on inside I try to always have a smile on my face and spread joy to those around me.

UP. I went to my Zumba class, actually the instructor corrected me, her class is not Zumba, it is Cuban Fusion – same difference if you ask me, fun all the same. It was amazing.  I love to dance.  I felt so happy and high as a kite after the class.

MAJOR DOWN.  Another email from Ex waiting for me at home.  Once again he is talking about the event.  I realized that by replying some times and silence others I was sending him mixed signals and still leaving the door open. So I wrote him a final e-mail.  This e-mail came straight from the pain in my heart. I said it all over again, but this time I asked him not to contact me in any way, shape or form.  Up to now I had asked him not to invite me to trips and dinners, but I dont think I ever said do not contact me at all.

It is hard to explain, but how can I close the door on a part of me? He, I realize, still has my heart in his hands.

***

How do I feel now? I am not sure. It feels over.  It feels I am missing part of my body and I will never get it back.  While I absolutely don’t want him back, I guess I still liked the idea of having him in my life. I still liked to hear from him.  It is hard to imagine that I will have no contact with someone that I shared everything for 3 years, someone that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life.  It is hard to write this, to face this.

Now it is in writing, it is in black and white.  And I am making myself a promise not to reply to any contact, if ever he tries again.

it feels final! and sad, and painful all over again!

****

I just received an e-mail from him saying that he is not happy but he will comply with my wishes.  He also added all the same bs, that he loves me, that he misses me and cries about me, but we can’t be together now, he is just too busy with business, etc. That he hopes that if I cannot be his lover, that I choose to be his friend and keep in touch.

cry me a river!

***

I am fine, some would say I am thriving.  My life hasn’t stopped because my heart is in pieces and my insides in shambles.

Lately the good days have been outnumbering the bad days.

Moments of never wanting to fall in love again are rare.  Moments of excitement of a new somebody are constant.

I am enjoying discovering feelings for somebody new.  Somebody, who is just a friend now. Actually he is not “just” a friend. He is a FRIEND!  Having feelings for somebody else makes me feel that life is not over.  Still, days such as yesterday makes me aware that the pain is still fresh, that Ex still means something, that I should go slow and not use one person to try to forget another.

So, I fall, I get up, I fall again and I get up again! I know I will always get up, thanks to God and all the angels he puts in my path!

(all images from google images)

Heart, heart… what are you saying?

08 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

≈ 21 Comments

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I am sitting here trying to finish a post about my finances, but my mind is some place else.  I am thinking of how I have been in dealing with my emotions and expectations lately.  Expectations is, by the way, a word that I would like to remove from my vocabulary.

So the post about finances will have to wait (along with the check to the IRS)

I have been taking baby steps in the right direction in dealing with my emotions and expectations.  I have a long, long way to go, but these small improvements have me believing that I can get there.  There being a place where I can freely love without a single expectation.  Love for the sake of love alone!! There being a place that I know that what I feel is love for the other person, not lust, not wanting and needing to be touched only.

This has been a very hard post to write. It is hard for me admit that perhaps I shouldn’t completely and blindly listen to my heart.

I pride myself in being honest and telling it like it is. So the moment that I have feelings for someone, and for the sake of this post I am only talking about romantic relationships, I put it all out there.  I never learned how to play the dating game. I never learned how to be coy, how to play hard to get, how to go slow.  There are no mysteries with me, no guessing games. If I like someone I tell them. I bare myself and my soul.

… and then it is up to the other person to deal with me and my bluntness and all my expectations.

I will never say honesty is a problem, honesty to me is always the solution.  But there is such a thing as too much too soon and it comes with a price.  That price is rejection and pain, with perhaps the highest price being the never blossoming of a lasting love. There is also the issue of not knowing if my feelings are real or just an illusion of the love I want so bad in my life.

Problem 1: Recognizing feelings for what they are. Is it love or something else?

Baby step solution: Admitting I have a problem distinguishing my feelings. Admitting the possibility that not all my loving feelings are real love. 

So until I learn how to tell my feelings apart  (which I cannot begin to guess how to do that) I am going to deal with my impulsive actions in regards to those feelings. I have been speaking and acting with haste and without a conscious thought my entire life.   It is not only okay, but wise, to slow down and wait to see if the feelings I am feeling will remain and grow or just go away.  I can still be honest with myself and my feelings, but I just need to exercise a little caution. I should err on the side of slowness.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”  ― Thich Nhat Hanh

Admitting I may have a problem happened with the help of, not only, pain and reflection, but also of a friend.  He has been helping me to see that blindly following my heart and emotions may feel amazing in the beginning but it can lead to heartache.  The irony is that he is my current object of affection, attention and constant daydreaming. While I have been trying to convince him to just act on impulse he has been trying to reign me in,  trying to get me to slow down.

It is not easy for me to accept people’s help and guidance. It is not easy for me to admit that I cannot figure it all out alone.  This friend has been a blessing.  He has put up with tears and bad jokes.  He has been standing his ground as I try to, time and time again, seduce him.  In the past I would have moved on from him, but this time I want to stick around and see what the future holds. This time I am able to see the value in the friendship and not think of the romance alone.  Perhaps I am stronger and wiser, perhaps I see in him the teachings I need.  Perhaps I am ready to admit my shortcomings and make changes. Perhaps I see that his heart is in as much pain as mine. Perhaps I am just old and tired! 🙂

Problem # 2: Impulsiveness.  Reacting on every feeling, real or not.

Baby step solution: Trying to sit with the feeling before reacting. Trying do engage my mind into the equation.  Trying being the key word here.

My impulsiveness has caused me to just blurt out what my heart is thinking as soon as I think it.  I say whatever comes to mind to anyone, at any time, in any circumstance.  Some times people think I am funny, sometimes they think I am a breath of fresh air, but most times I am just too straightforward to some, too shocking. I jump in head first in a relationship just because it feels right.  Just because my heart told me so.

There is no thought in my actions.  There is impulse and reaction.  There is really no time for anything else.  So the key has been trying to slow things down enough to have my mind in the mix.

“Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second.” Baltasar Gracian

Text and e-mails were sent out of the blue just because.  That modus operandi lead to disappointment and unnecessary grief many many times and lead to relationships ending before they started. I think I have scared men.

In the past an example of my pattern would go something like this: I hear my heart talking about some feeling for someone and if I felt reciprocated I would go in overdrive mode. I would sent texts and emails and not be shy about talking about my feelings.  I would feel amazing about it… for about a second. Then reality would set in and I would be maniacally waiting for a reply that sometimes never came.

My impulsiveness is never alone, it is always accompanied by its sister expectations.

Problem #3: Controlling my expectations. Always expecting acceptance and love in return.

Baby step solution: Considering the consequences of each action and the potential result.  Trying to understand my expectations and letting them go.  Enjoying the feeling of an action without an expectation and building on that feeling.

When I didn’t get a response to my e-mails or text, or when the person somehow didn’t live up to my expectations, I would blame and admonish myself for my haste and I would blame the other person for giving me those feelings and then backing away.  I never understood why wasn’t the person seeing the genuineness of my words and actions.  Why wasn’t the person honored by my attention and affection?

In the past everything I did had expectations attached to them.  Everything! No one could win with so much expected from them.  It was like I was always setting the other person up to fail, and they eventually did.

In the last couple of weeks I have come up with and have put in a practice a 1 minute rule to deal with my e-mailing and texting. When I write a text or an e-mail I force myself to go away from it for 1 minute.  In that minute I answer the following question: Will I be okay if I don’t get a reply, or if the reply is not positive?  If my answer is yes then I hit send, if the answer is no or maybe than I save it and revisit it later or just go ahead and deleted it.

It has been amazing what this one little change has done.  It has freed me.  I continue to send emails and texts that are perhaps a little too forward, but they go off into the sunset on their own, with no expectations attached. I hit send and forget it.  I no longer keep checking my phone looking for a reply.  The truth is I still over share, but I no longer put any burden on the other person to reciprocate.  Some times I get responses back and some times I get silences and I am okay with both because my goal has changed. The goal is to honor that feeling at that moment and not to get anything back.

Now, phone calls and in-person are another story.  As far as those I am trying to speak slow and to actually hear the other person out. Slowing down seems to be the way to go for me in all senses.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  ― Donald Miller

I have faith that I am going in the right direction.  I know I am not betraying my heart, even though it feels a little like that, but I am helping my heart make informed decisions. Impulsiveness is me, but it doesn’t have to be the whole me, it doesn’t have to define me. Expectations is a fact of life for me but I can learn to co-exist with it in peace.

Lastly, I know I have used the  word “change”, but I actually like the word “improving” better.  I don’t want to change myself, I want to improve myself! God has made me this way for a reason and I don’t want to change me. He also gave me tools, sometimes in the form of people, to guide me and help me to grow.  God has given me wisdom to see that I don’t have to cause myself unnecessary pain.   He has opened my eyes to see that I am no alone.

my friend is a cookie in a cookie jar that is way beyond my reach. If I go up on the counter to try to reach it I may fall and hurt myself. But sometimes all I want is a cookie and nothing else will do! sometimes scraped knees don’t seem too bad! 🙂

Allowing my brown eyes to scream

04 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Happy Independence Day USA!

And to celebrate it I am declaring my Independence today, independence from thinking that I am not allowed to cry. Today I declare myself free to cry if I want to! and even if I don’t want to but it just happens. I am free to cry anywhere, anytime and about anyone or anything.

ok, ok, in all fairness I am writing this at pms time and specially at this time I am a cry baby.  I cry for no reason. I cry for fiction, I cry for reality.

Just now I cried watching Drop Dead Diva, it was the scene where Owen takes Jane on a horse drawn carriage ride. I guess it was tears of happiness for her. Yes I am happy for a TV character, do you have a problem with that? and sad, sad to wonder when will I have a guy do romantic stuff like that for me? Am I not worth or deserving?

I cry if someone looks at me the wrong way, says the wrong thing, makes me feel inferior, makes me feel powerless. I cry because I am overwhelmed and all of a sudden my happy attitude and easy smile is a little forced.  All of a sudden the strong me is this weakling person I don’t recognize.

I cry for the past, for all that is gone that I am still trying to hold onto. I cry because the more I try to hold onto the less of a hold I have.  I cry even more when I realize that what I was trying to hold onto was not worth having in the first place. It is impossible to try to save something that never existed.

I cry for what it could have been, but for some reason or another never became! I cry because sometimes the pain in my heart is so intense that if I don’t cry I feel I will burst.  I cry because, just because, no special motive or reason is necessary.

So here is the a-ha moment, the moment that I realized that I was being too hard on myself, that I was not treating myself fairly:

I was with a friend on the phone and he made the comment that I couldn’t possibly understand how he felt about his kids because I didn’t have any kids.  At once I got this lump in my throat.  I tried holding it in, but tears immediately welled up in my eyes, and when he asked I couldn’t deny that I was crying.

You, the readers that don’t have any children, don’t you love when people say that? When people point out that you have no children, and therefore couldn’t understand the joys and hardships of parenthood.  I don’t need to put my hand in the fire to know that it burns. I don’t need to be a mother to know that there is an indescribable bond between parent and child, and to know that parenthood comes with a long list of sacrifices – that they tell me is all well worth.   I am not a parent but I have had experience in the subject.  I have had my hands in raising a few, first as a nanny raising 2 kids, one from when he was 2 days old until 6 years of age, and later being stepmom to 2 pre-teens. I did spend sleepless nights with a baby, take a toddler to get stitches, I did have to deal with a pre-teen wanting to have sleepovers and had the talks about sex and drugs, among a myriad of parenting moments.

But now I getting off the subject of this post.  This post is not about things people say that hurt us, it is not about pms, it is not about wanting or not to have kids, all of those will be subject for future post or have already been.  This post is about tears, about being comfortable with crying, about allowing oneself to have their feelings shown.

In all fairness if it was not for the mighty pms I probably wouldnt have cried about hearing that. It is not the first time I am being presented with the astounding revelation that I don’t have kids.  It burns and hurts but it doesn’t normally make me cry.

When I started crying on the phone, I tried to hide it, but it is impossible to talk with a lump on the throat.

My friend felt bad!  I felt embarrassed and weak! I don’t want anyone to be afraid to talk to me honestly because I may cry.   I proceeded to explain to him how I hated crying because I thought it was a sign of weakness and I considered myself a strong person.

He said: I cry, do you think I am weak?

I said: NO, when a man cries I think it is a sign of strenght, of manliness, he is man enough to be okay with showing his emotions.  I like men that cries. And I was being completely honest! Nothing more beautiful than someone having feelings and demonstrating and not being afraid to show them.  And for that matter I feel that way about not only men, but anyone crying except myself.

Why am I setting myself apart as this one being that is not allowed to have emotions? And when having emotions why can’t I allow myself to show them?  I realized I have double standards when it comes to myself and my emotions.  I expect so much from myself.  I expect myself to be cool, calm and collected at all times.  I expect myself to be a pillar of strength.  I pride myself for being in control of everything and most important my emotions.

I guess this is one of those moments where the light bulb goes on in your head. A moment of learning and growing. A moment to make a conscious effort to be good to myself. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to be kind to myself and realize I am only an extra emotional human being.

so I cry, big deal! Who cares, move on. That is my new winning attitude!

I came across the following beautiful quotes:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

“Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

“Tears are the noble language of eyes, and when true love of words is destitute. The eye by tears speak, while the tongue is mute.”
― Robert Herrick

Who am I to argue with those amazing writers?

Let us all allow the tears to flow freely as they will. Let people feel bad if they hurt our feelings and lets us use that moment to talk about why the words hurt. Lets use the tears to open the doors to deeper and more meaningful conversations.  Lets use tears to bond us as human beings who have emotions and are strong enough to show them.  (I do know that the last thing my friend would want to do was to hurt me, he instead has been the source of smiles and laughter)

Let the tears speak when the feeling is too overwhelming for words. Let the world see you are sad or happy, let the world see you are alive and only human. Don’t make your feelings invisible!

So I will continue crying because it is in my nature, but I will feel less ashamed, less weak.  Next time I cry I will open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the moment!

So today, in this beautiful freeing day, what are you declaring independence from?

Foolish Heart

02 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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The other day I felt I needed to have a heart to heart with my heart, so I sat down to start to write it a note.  Then I realized that Steve Perry already wrote what I wanted to say:

“Foolish Heart”

I need a love that grows
I don’t want it unless I know
With each passing hour
Someone somehow
Will be there, ready to share

I need a love that’s strong
I’m so tired of being alone
But will my lonely heart play the part
Of the fool again
Before I begin

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You’ve been wrong before
Don’t be wrong any more

I’m feeling that feeling again
I’m playing a game I can’t win
Love’s knocking on the door
Of my heart once more
Think I’ll let him in
Before I begin

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You’ve been wrong before
Don’t be wrong any more

Foolish heart
Foolish, foolish heart
You’ve been wrong before

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You’ve been wrong before
Don’t be wrong any more

Foolish heart
Oh, foolish, foolish heart
You’ve been wrong before
Foolish, foolish heart

Why run?

01 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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(pic google images)

Last Friday at Grand Central Station as I am stepping on the escalator, the woman ahead of me stepped aside and asked me if I wanted to go ahead of her.

I replied: No, thank you, that is ok, I am not in a hurry.

Her: I thought I saw you running

Me: I guess I was running, but I don’t even know why

Her: Well, it is because you are a New Yorker!

Me: I guess you are right

I wished her a good day and continued my rush to get to work.

This quick exchange left me with all kinds of thoughts.

1) I thought I didn’t care to belong.  When she called me a New Yorker I couldn’t help but feel happy and smile to myself.  I felt proud to be called a New Yorker.  That happy feeling was really eye opening.  Why am I happy to be called a New Yorker?  I happen to love New York and I feel lucky and grateful to work there.  Everyday as the train makes its way into Manhattan I thank God for the opportunity.  But I think the happiness I felt goes a little deeper than that.  I guess her comment made me feel I belonged.  I thought I didn’t care about being like an average New Yorker.  I often prided myself on not trying to fit, not wanting to be a cookie cutter.  I am proud of everything that makes me unique, my accent, the color of my skin, my curly hair, my curves, my easy smile, my carefree attitude. But I guess deep down inside I never lost that immigrant’s thirst to fit in.

Homework: Work on those hidden, buried feelings of not belonging.

2) Why run?  Why was I running, going very fast when I didn’t need to.  I happen to work in a place that has a very laid back attitude.  I don’t have a schedule, whenever I get there, I get there, so there is really no reason for me to rush to get there.   Why do I do it?  Do I only know one speed? the busy New Yorker speed?

I often thought that I ran and did things fast because I didn’t want to waste time and miss anything in life.  I want to get everything done and done fast.  I can see it clearly now that I am accomplishing the total opposite.  I am running through life, instead of living life. I am getting a lot done, I am getting quantity, but am I getting quality?

In the hurry not to miss a thing I am missing everything!  I am missing the details! And the beauty of life is made of the little details.

The irony is that I am always the one to point out to everyone that they should live in the moment, in the now.  In the meantime I am always living in the next moment.

Homework: Stop and smell the flowers!  Make a conscious effort to take smaller steps through life starting with literally taking smaller steps.

2) Is this running another symptom of ADD (Atenttion Deficit Disorder). I am slowly beginning to realize that I probably have ADD/ADHD.  I am often mentioned in the same sentence as ADD by people that know me.  It is often meant as a joke and to point out another one of my quirks.  But I am thinking it is probably not a joking matter.

Homework: Research ADD symptoms and treatments

What a blessing that woman was to me.  She may as well have been an angel sent to shake me up gently but deeply.

What about you? Are you running through life too?

Love is a Battle I am willing to fight!

26 Tuesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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I am looking at the search for love as a battle.  The prize is finding my true soul-mate (and I accept no imitations!)

After losing a war, when do you get back in the battlefield? I am probably going against the majority when I say you have to get back as soon as possible!  Before you allow the task to seem too daunting!

I have lost a lot of wars and perhaps I will lose a few more, but with each one I gain more knowledge about what kind of warrior I am.  With each loss I don’t lose faith, I gain assurance that I am one step closer.   Each war lost is a step towards the goal; it is one road block removed.  It is an impostor gone, making room for the real thing.

I may retreat for a moment to regain my energy and equilibrium.  I cry, I pray, I make adjustments, I improve and I get back on the horse.

With such high stake on the line I cannot afford to be too scared or too tired to fight.  Taking too long to re-start the battle makes the task seem insurmountable.  If I stay away too long I may become intimidated, I may think my enemy is stronger than I am.  I may develop self defeating thoughts.  If I allow such thoughts to populate my mind I have lost the battle before I even started.

The search for a partner does not mean unhappiness.  I am happy alone.  The search for a partner means that I believe in romance and fairy tale and I am not willing to let that go no matter how difficult the battle proves to be.  I want someone to be my refuge and fortress and I want to be his.  I want to slow dance this long song called Life with someone special!

I don’t need a partner, I want one! Is it my right? No! Is it my obligation? No! It is a pleasure and a dream that I am willing to go after and fight for! Well, in a way I guess it is a need, since my heart needs love to survive!

So I show up ready for a fight! And I use all weapons that God gave me.

I don’t spend any energy thinking about what went wrong in the past.  So perhaps I could have done things different, not revealed my game so soon, noticed the signs,  but why stay there in the past?  The past losses are not the center of my memories.  I look at how well I fought even when I lost.  I look at how I fought with integrity and not taking shots below the belt. I take the good moments in the battlefield, I count my losses and I move on.

And I spend even less time worrying about what can go wrong in the future.  All around us are people and things trying to defeat us, so I make a point of being in my own corner, of being my own cheerleader!  I am positive and think I can win until I the last bell has sounded.  I look at the bottom line, I think at what I am about to gain!  Above all I enjoy the battle itself, that maneuvering and outmaneuvering that goes on like an intricate dance!   For a warrior battle is life!

I also like to think that by not staying away from the fight I am honoring God and Life.  God gave me a heart full of love to give.  God made passion my essence.  I am not going to negate my true self to appease the ones that think it is too soon or it is too much of a long shot! I like challenges, the harder I have to fight the sweeter will be the taste of victory!

Hey Universe, hear me loud and clear:  I still believe! I don’t doubt love for a moment. I am ready, willing and able!  I will be in my deathbed believing my true soul-mate is somewhere out there and he will eventually, not only find me, but fight for me!

shhh! Do you hear that? oh, it is just the Universe conspiring to give me what I want!

Of prayers, expectations, love and hope!

23 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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(pic courtesy of google images)

My favorite voice on the phone got me thinking about God’s answer to our prayers. Well, he got me thinking about a whole lot of other stuff too but we don’t want to go there!  We want to keep this blog PG13.

We are both at a stage in our lives that we are thinking about spiritual growth and we are doing that while mending a broken heart or perhaps as a result of it.  We are both trying to look past our wants and focus on our needs – we want to feed our starving soul!  We want to be more grateful, we don’t want to take a single breath for granted.  We want to give more than we receive and yet we want to make sure that we don’t forget ourselves.  Above all we want love in our lives.

While my friend is very focused and working hard,  I am more laid back and not trying so hard.   I am doing the work, but not as much as I should or could, and certainly not with the same intensity. I fear getting fanatical, specially since I know my own tendencies.  I will attack something with all might only for a few months later to be exhausted and give up.  I decided to get off of that cycle.  I just want to live the best that I can.  Yes I am changing and growing but at my own pace. I want to give my body and mind a chance to adjust to each change before moving on to the next. So it will take me longer to be physically and mentally fit but when I get there it will feel like home. It will be natural and not forced.

We don’t want to be hurt again, so we try hard not to repeat past patterns and mistakes.  Unfortunately sometimes I think we over do it.  We analyze and rationalize everything to the point of paralysis. To be questioning every single step and feelings and consequences is exhausting.  I certainly don’t want to make the same mistakes of the past.  If anything, I want to make new ones.  But I am allowing for my human condition of being flawed and of sometimes having to learn the same lesson twice, or three times.  And if the teacher happens to be a sexy handsome man, then I plan on learning the lesson with a smile on my lips and a twinkle in my eyes!

What I don’t want above all is to let my fear stop me from living!

I am allowing for myself to fall down and continue getting up as many times as necessary. Perhaps life lies somewhere in between the falling down and getting up.

Prayers. We talked about praying to God to put our soul-mates in our paths.  And a thought came to me, so I said: what if God has already answered your prayer!  What if the answer is staring you in the face (or is a voice on the other end of the line 🙂 ) and you are just not seeing it because it didn’t come in the packaging you were expecting? it didn’t come in a neat little box with a neat little bow.

That got me thinking about our expectations when we pray.  We want a certain answer and that sometimes blind us to the real answer. We pray with expectations!  Can we pray and have complete trust in God to give us, not what we want, but what we need?  Are we ready for that? Are we ready for an answer that we didn’t expect?

Are we asking or are we telling God what to do? How do we know when He has or has not answered us yet? I say the answer is in the heart – our lifeline to God. Our heart will help us see the answer – if we are open to it and listening with an open heart!

Is He going to get sick of listening to my asking for a love over and over again that he will send me just anybody to shut me up and prove to me that I was not ready for it? Be careful what you pray too much for!

God’s guidance.  So, instead I pray for guidance, wisdom and strength.  I pray that I will be able to make the right choice at the right time. I pray that I will choose the right path, not the shortest or easiest. I pray for clarity in determining my next step. And once that path has been chosen I pray for strength to handle what may come. I pray for the right teachers on my path at the right time.  And I make God a promise that if He chooses to send me love I will cherish it and work on it day and night.

Expectations.   We try to live with none, but I venture a guess that most of us fail miserably. We may think we have none, but when we look closely at our actions and reactions, all we see is the expectation of a certain result. We work out to be healthy, but aren’t we deep down inside expecting to be great looking to attract the opposite sex? We go to work and do our best and we get a paycheck, but aren’t we also expecting recognition and praise? My ultimate goal is to remove all expectations but I realize that is the Mount Everest of tall orders.

Divine Timing. It is not when I want and when I think I am ready for it.  I have to respect the Universe’s timing.  I am a good person, I do good, I do no harm, I pray with faith, I have hope, but what if I am not done learning yet?  What if I am meant to kiss a lot more frogs, before I am ready for the one.  And I mean frogs with the utmost respect for the amphibians.

While we wait for the one,  life is happening.  Life waits for no one. I cannot put life on hold until the time is right. I cannot tell life to come back in 6 months.  Life is here and now, and I say embrace it!

And what if the one is right here? You prayed for it, you receive it, and now you are complaining about timing and other minor details? Sounds a bit ungrateful – lol

and, if better still, what if there is not a “one”. What if there is a series of ones? or what if there is just myself? I dare say I am ok with it!! More of the reason to enjoy the now and the one right now!

God’s Will. My God is not mean, and He doesn’t play cruel jokes, but he does have a sense of humor!   God’s will will  triumph, so why do we have to fight it sometimes? There is a reason for you to be put in my path! There is a reason we were drawn to each other.   Can we just relax long enough to see what that reason is? Why do we need to have a label for this? Why do we need to know from the get go what this will become? Why do we need to have a plan? (and at that word God is laughing, because our plans are nothing but our trying to control fate!)

Free Will.  ah the contradictions, His will will triumph in the end, and yet he gives us free will to pursue life. We can choose the little details that beautify life.  We can choose to love willing, we can choose right from wrong.  And we can choose to make this a passing cloud or a lingering thunderstorm. Our choice!

We are a clear canvas that we get to paint any way we see fit.  It doesn’t have to make sense to anybody else. Real or abstract it is ours, and all the potential in that is not lost on me.

We must not forget the consequences, because with Free Will comes consequences! Well, Miss Optimistic here think that consequences are rewards, validation, blue skies.

Relinquishing Control.  We spend so much time trying to mold things our way, trying to control the uncontrollable.  Perhaps we should just relax, give ourselves license to just be and let nature take its course. Stop trying to swim against the current. The more we try to control the less control we have, truer words have never been spoken!

I have to learn to let God sometimes to take the wheel, sometimes it is okay for me to just close my eyes and enjoy the ride.

Possibilities. You came into my life to show me possibilities. You came to wake me up.  I am wide awake, now what? Now the question is how long are you staying?  While I see the potential, possibilities, the all good, you see the problems, the logistical issues, the timing issue, the all bad. How ironic that the one that awoke in me possibilities cannot see them?

Daily gifts. I am going to see people coming into my life as gifts, and I will treat them as such! How they feel about me should not matter. People are gifts to my soul. They will teach me, make me smile, make me wonder, they will test my patient, but above all they will make me feel alive. You are my gift! and I am not returning it!

Blessings in disguise.  Perhaps we are not exactly what we each had in mind, but perhaps we are just what the doctor ordered at this moment in time.  Perhaps what you see as problems are the reasons why it is so perfect. Perhaps you need to broaden your view. How many times we look back and realize we failed to see a blessing and wish we could do it over?

Until our next conversation…

Thank you God for the beauty of unexpected friends. Thank you for helping me leave the door open so that the unexpected can come in.  May I have the grace to continue leaving the door open so that the unexpected does not feel trapped!

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My wish for us: Moments of silence to listen to our hearts and courage to acknowledge the screaming of our souls!