Category Archives: Daily Life

I rather have an amazing cookie than a so-so date

08 Friday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Empire State Building

The writer

We had a second date. We met for a drink at the rooftop bar at the Strand Hotel. You can see by the picture above the awesome view of the Empire State Building

The bar is small and normally full of tourists that may or may not be staying at hotel. On this night, a Monday, it was pretty quiet.

I got there and he was already seated waiting for me. He was in a very sharp looking gray suit with no tie. He had been attending a conference.

He is very nice, but perhaps a bit on the shy, introvert side.  I seem to be the one that has to be introducing conversation topics.

I can tell he likes my company and I like his, but I am not sure why the quiet times.  Perhaps the issue is more on me having a problem with silence. Any silence more than a few seconds and I am already asking a question to fill in the space.

On dates I have been trying to be okay with silence and have the man direct the conversation.  I am failing miserably at that.

He had 2 drinks and I had one. After almost 2 hours he suggested we leave and walk to the station. One block away from the train station he asked if I was hungry and wanted to have dinner. It caught me off guard as I was already in my “going home” frame of mind.

I figured that if he wanted to get something to eat we could have done so at the bar, so I was a bit confused.  I just said that I wasn’t necessarily hungry but I can always eat, but I also said I think I should just go home, or something like that.

It would have been nice to grab some dinner with him but I was a bit tired of being in charge of the conversation.

We mostly talked about writing.  He has a couple of novels published.  I mentioned the joys of blogging and suggested he should do that to connect to other writers.

I am not sure there will be a third date.  I am leaving the door open, but I want him to do the talking.

Why does silence makes me uncomfortable?

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” – Kahlil Gibran

The 34 yr old accountant

We have been texting since the first date and were scheduled to meet tonight to go get cookies at Levain Bakery.  I also have to meet him to pay off a $5.00 bet.

On Monday I had already mentioned to him that dating wouldn’t be a good idea because of the age difference and that we were going to meet as friends.

He said that he was not concerned about the age.  He has been trying to convince me otherwise.

Due to communication issues we will not be meeting tonight and perhaps never again.

On Monday he was sick at home. On Tuesday he said he was bored at work with nothing to do. He confirmed that Thursday was the best day for him to meet.  Yesterday (Wednesday) he said he was having a busy day. Today at 2 pm I texted him to confirm place and time to meet.

He asked if we could meet tomorrow. I said that I already had plans and that we could try getting together a day next week.

Back and forth emails ensued.  At one point he said that if I was not so insistent in meeting at 5 pm then perhaps he could do it.

That came out of nowhere.  I was never insistent on 5 pm. What I say to all the guys when talking about scheduling a date is that I can make myself available as early as 4 pm.  the good thing about texting is that I have that in writing.  We have met before on a Friday at 5:30 because he said that was the best time for him.

I don’t expect everyone to be able to meet that early so I often stay in the office and work while waiting to meet someone at a better time for them.

I said to him that he should have told me about the timing issue before today so we could have cleared that up and not wait until I contacted him on meeting day to say something.

Eventually he said I was right and that he was not being fair to me.  He said that he would make it work and we should still meet.  I said that work should come first and that I would feel guilty if he was skipping work to meet me.

He kept insisting on meeting but by then I was already turned off about meeting tonight.  So I came home early and made myself a good meal.

I still want the big yummy cookies from Levain Bakery though!

“Words are the source of misunderstandings.”  – Atonie De Saint-Exupery

I try to be completely honest and communicate clearly.  Still I have a lot miscommunication with a lot of my dates.  I sometimes annoy people because I want to clarify things. I guess I need to get better at it, specially with texting, so many things get assumed.

As far as the age difference I just realized as I write this that it wouldn’t be such a big deal if we had some more things in common, other than just being chemically attracted to each other.  I know I am not interested in a just purely physical relationship.

Or am I?

Levain cookies

I said I love you to my father and I meant it!

05 Tuesday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I always wanted a star on my window at Christmas, now I got one and I love it!!

“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” – Rudyard Kipling

I have a small immediate family. It is mom, dad, an older brother and my identical twin sister.  Even though I have been living in the US for the past 33 years I am still extremely close to them.   I talk to them at least once a day, some days multiple times.

Still, for the longest time I couldn’t say I love you to my parents.  I am not sure the reason.  I love them that is for sure.

Perhaps it is the culture.  I grew being taught to respect my parents.  Respect was not only required, it was demanded.  Love was a given, not needing to say it or demonstrate it.

“I believe in the magic and authority of words.” – Rene Char

Not that I didn’t feel loved, I did and a lot.  We just didn’t throw the word and affection around.  At that time fathers would never hug their children, only on birthdays perhaps.  That was a mother’s job.

I was surprised to arrive in the US and see a father saying I love you to his son.  I always equated the word “love” with romantic.

I was only able to say I love you to my mother a couple of years ago.  In the beginning it didn’t feel natural.  It felt forced.  Now it just rolls off my tongue.

It took until last week to say to it to my father.   I called  him on Sunday.  I spoke to him about his favorite topic, soccer, and then I said good bye and hung up.

“All my life I’ve looked at words as though I were seeing them for the first time.” – Ernest Hemingway

After hanging up I felt I should have said I love you.  So I called back and I did.  I said: I know I never say it but you mean a lot to me and I love you.  I think he was a bit taken aback and didn’t know what to say.  He said: thank you.

I didn’t expect “I love you” back.  To me saying it to him meant the world.

Will I say it again?  I hope so!

I don’t really know what the problem is or was.  Why the barrier?  Why the uneasiness?

There is an easiness in the US about saying I love you.  Here we say “love” to anyone and anything.  Here we love our parents and we also love chocolate chip cookies.  In Brazil eu amo (I love) people and eu adoro (I adore) cookies.

“I don’t want just words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go” -F. Scott Fitzgerald

Are we saying too much “love” in the US?  Are we saying love when we just mean like?  Are we cheapening the word “love”? Is it becoming meaningless?

Perhaps, and that is how I used to think not too long ago.  But I have changed my mind.  I rather have an overdose of “love” going around.  Perhaps the more we say it, the more people will feel loved and valued.  Cookies need love too!

“In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ”  – John Bunyan

On the other hand, a date pointed out to me that I say “hate” a lot.  I had never noticed that before, but I think he is probably right.  I do say hate when I only mean dislike.

Words are powerful, so I will watch myself: More love, less hate!  But actions are even more powerful, so I choose to go around loving. I hope it shows.  Loving always! Loving specially when it is difficult! Loving even the unlovable!

Going forward, I will try to align my words to my inner being and my true feelings!

“Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words.”  – Rumi

 

 

Friends and dates and a kiss at the end.

02 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain

On Saturday I met my doctor friend for brunch. As I mentioned before we dated a few times 2 years ago and then things fizzled.  Still every now and then we would talk or text.

After being too busy to meet the last few times he asked we met for brunch 2 weeks ago and it was fun.  After one week he called and invited me to brunch again.

We went to the restaurant we always go to. In the past we tried different ones only to decide that this is our favorite.  It was a Saturday and the place was quieter then on Sundays.

We were there from 12 to 4 pm. We drank a divine prosecco and talked about life. We challenge each other to think deeper and look further.  We talk about everything, self-improvement, family, fears, wants, ego, karma, etc.

At one point he put his hand on my leg near my knee. He asked if I was okay with that.  It may seem funny or weird, but I was okay with that.  I knew it would not go anywhere so it presented no danger or awkwardness to me.  I think the prosecco made him do it. I think the prosecco made me say ok.

At one point he was texting. I would normally not say anything to anyone about using their cell phone at the table, even if it bothered me but since we are always talking about being present and in the moment, I said:

Don’t you think you are being rude?

He apologized and said I was right and explained what he was texting about.  He turned his phone off for the rest of the lunch.

I think he and I have an easy friendship that I don’t intend to change into anything else, hand on my leg or not.

***

“There is very little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude.” – W. Clement Stone

On Sunday I met a graphic designer I met on Match. This was our first date.

We both got there 30 minutes early. Him by design, me because I thought the agreed time was 12:00 instead of the actual 12:30.

I had scrambled eggs and a coffee as I was still not able to eat a lot food.

He was handsome, nice, personable and smart. But I didn’t really feel an attraction, a connection.  Our lifestyle and life wants are different.  Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the differences in people but in this case it would frustrate me.

He is very laid back and I feel I would have to be the one in charge of the relationship. I have been the one in charge of relationships in the past and I don’t want to do it again.

I say that not as criticism of him but just to point out why I think we are not a match.

He said he liked me and said he wanted to go on a second date, but hasn’t called yet, which I find it is often the case.  I think he  and most guys, wants me to call them back or say something first. Sadly he will have to wait forever.

****

I have just returned from a date tonight.  He is a 34 year old Jewish accountant.  Yes I said 34!!! I am 51!! So there is a bit of age difference. He is recently divorced with no kids.

Of course I think our age difference is too much for a relationship but I didn’t think there was any harm in meeting for a drink.

We were going to meet at a rooftop bar but it was closed for a private event so we just crossed the street and went to a Cuban restaurant.

M. was fun, personable, and cute in a boyish way.  There were some hints of chemistry.  I had a passion fruit drink and appetizer of beef and fried yucca, and they were delicious.  After it, he walked me to the station.

On the way, suddenly, he stopped and kissed me.  I still have stitches in my gum from my surgery, still I welcomed the surprising gesture.

We will see each other again, if anything to just settle a bet.  We bet $5.00 on the Jet/Chiefs game on Sunday.  I picked the Chiefs.

“Kissing – and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing – is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down.” – Drew Barrymore

 

 

I have been called a big hairy hermaphrodite!

28 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Trust instinct to the end, even though you can give no reason.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Indeed I have! Did I get offended? No! I shook my head at his ignorance. I pity people that think they have to try to offend others to make themselves feel better. I pity people that would use a condition that someone may be born with to insult. I am not offended not because I am not one, but because there is no shame in being one. To me it is like he called me black or gay or immigrant.

I guess I was offended by his ignorance, callousness and rudeness.

Here is what happened:

A guy contacted me on Match.com. He said: “I like what I see, let’s meet or talk on the phone”. I didn’t care for that approach. It rubbed me the wrong way, perhaps because it is generic and lacked thought. Perhaps because he was acting purely on the visual instead of “I like what I read on your profile”, which is normally what I get.

Still, I decided to be open minded and give him the benefit of the doubt. I replied asking for more information as he had only a couple of lines in his profile and only one picture that was not very clear. I explained that there are a lot of fake profiles so I wanted to be cautious and make sure he was a real person.

He replied with his Facebook link. I was able to be a little more assured.
After a couple of back and forth emails, he mentioned meeting at some point in my town. I said: What about tonight? He agreed and asked what time. I said: Any time that works for you.

Normally when I am suspicious of someone I offer to meet right away. Someone with a fake profile will never want to meet. They will either never reply again or they will insist on talking on the phone first.

Also, I rather meet someone right away, nothing beats face to face.  I don’t want to waste time and energy and then meet in person and there is no chemistry.

After almost 2 hours he replied: Let’s talk and he gives me his number.
I replied that I was not interested in talking on the phone and if he didn’t want to meet we could just communicate on the site until ready to meet.

The following exchange ensued verbatim:

He: “I did not say I did not want to meet I wanted to talk on the phone to make the arrangement but since you seem to be so paranoid never mind.”

Me: “Paranoid? Ouch. Perhaps just unfairly assuming. Sorry it didn’t work out. Best wishes!”

He: “You are right more like Delusional Paranoid. You were probably a big hairy hermaphrodite. Lol best wishes to you too.”

Of course I was done.  I am always thinking and hoping for the best in people.  I am always thinking that miscommunication can be cleared up and people can part as friends.

It is sad to me that he chose to go that route. Even if I was wrong by assuming he didn’t want to meet, in no way it required or invited such response.

First, I want to thank my guardian angels for once again stepping up and preventing me from meeting and wasting my time on a mediocre human being.

Second, I look at the lesson in here. The lesson, I believe, is to trust my instincts. From the second he first emailed me I knew that there was something about him that I didn’t like.

And that was another day in my online dating life.  The next post will be about last Saturday and Sunday brunch dates dates.

“Yoga says instinct is a trace of an old experience that has been repeated many times and the impressions have sunk down to the bottom of the mental lake. Although they go down, they aren’t completely erased. Don’t think you ever forget anything. All experiences are stored in the chittam; and, when the proper atmosphere is created, they come to the surface again. When we do something several times it forms a habit. Continue with that habit for a long time, and it becomes your character. Continue with that character and eventually, perhaps in another life, it comes up as instinct. (92)” – Swami Satchidananda

Cultivating gratitude and dating update

24 Friday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. It is always my prayer that everyone has shelter, food and loved ones around (family and/or family).

My gratitude list is immense and growing.  It is a blessing to be alive; everything else is the icing on the cake.  I have food, shelter and loved ones.  Speaking of loved ones, I am a bit disappointed to not be invited anywhere this Thanksgiving, but the truth is I would have probably declined the invitation anyway as I always choose to be alone on holidays.

To me is extremely important to constantly remind myself of all the blessings in my life and to constantly say thank you to everyone. Gratitude is happiness!

I have been having up and down moments due to many issues beyond my control. I know that it is not what happens to me, but how I handle it and react to it that matters.  I know I need to devote more time and energy to meditation and mindfulness, but I still struggle with that.  I see the benefits of it, but still I drag my feet at doing it.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr   

Update on last post:

Dentist. On Monday morning at 7:30 am I was sitting at my dentist’s door waiting for him to arrive.  My teeth, and specially my gums,  just didn’t look and feel right.  I knew something was wrong even though he had assured me that all was fine.

After additional x-rays he still could not see anything really wrong. So he decided to open the gum and clean around the implant.  After many shots of anesthesia, he opened the gum in the area and cleaned around the implant.  I left with a bunch of stitches and instructions not to eat on that side for 2 weeks.

It has been 5 days now and still it doesn’t feel completely right.  I had dental surgeries before that were longer and more involved than this one and I remembered being fine in no time and not even taking pain pills after the first day.  This time it is taking longer to feel right.  The gum looks white and weird and I still feel this dull faint pain on that side of my face. Perhaps I am older and weaker to pain. Thankfully I have a return scheduled for Monday morning.  I hope he gives me good news, or at least pacify my fears.

Writer: He asked me out this week on Tuesday or Wednesday but because of my dental issues I had to decline. We have been communicating daily and we will probably meet next week. He seems thoughtful and interested so we all shall see where this will go.

The Korean: He finally replied to my text later that day saying that was having a grouchy Saturday.  Since then we have been texting on and off.  He apologized for being busy with his son being off from school.  I accept someone being busy with family priorities, but it just feels like something else has changed.  And as a result my original interest has waned.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” – Eckart Tolle

In the meantime some old ghosts from the past have returned.

The Naturopathic doctor.  We have been communicating on and off after having several dates over 2 years ago.  He has asked me out a couple of times since but I was always busy with something so I declined.  Two weeks ago I accepted a Sunday brunch invitation. It was fun catching up.  He is smart and our conversations are always enlightening. I don’t think there is any romance anymore but he has become a good friend.  Last Sunday he contacted me but I was at brunch with the guy I describing next so we scheduled a brunch date tomorrow.  Even though eating on one side of the mouth only is not fun I am still keeping the date.

The International lawyer.  I had a couple of dates with him over a year ago and due to busy schedule on both sides by the time we reconnected again he had a girlfriend.  Now that he broke up with the girlfriend he asked me out to catch up.  I am not proud and I need to eat so I accepted a brunch invitation last Sunday.  It was a lot fun as he is smart and fun. We have been texting and will probably get together again, but just as friends only for me.  I am not sure if he has romance in mind but to me that is gone.

At this moment the only one that I can perhaps see some romance down the line is the writer.

At the end of the day I am sitting here extremely grateful for everything in my life, the good and the bad.  All these dates, all these experiences, all these men, in the end helps me to get to know myself better.  It helps me realize what I need and want in my life.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read, and the care to comment.  Your advice is invaluable, your friendship treasured!

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

The writer, the Korean and the dentist

18 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” – Plato

The writer.  On Monday night I met a grant writer/novel writer for drinks.  We met at a beer pub.  I had wine since I don’t drink beer.  I like the guy to choose the place for the first date.  He picked a place that was convenient for me to get to from my job and on the way to the train station.  That was very thoughtful, specially since he had to travel 40 minutes to get there.

He was very nice and paid attention to every word I said.  I talked a lot as usual.  Now every now and then he will comment on something I said that day.  When we said good bye at Grand Central we hugged and he asked if we could meet again, I said yes.  It is now Saturday and no plans for a second date have been made.

Maybe I am just the impatient kind but I think if he really wanted to see me again he would have scheduled a second date by now.  Is he waiting for me to say something?

He may have to wait forever because the longer it goes by the more reasons I keep finding on why this relationship wouldn’t work out in the long run.  And maybe he is doing the same.

**

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” – Plato

The Korean.  I am speaking to another guy but we have yet to make plans. His life revolves around a son that is very involved in sports.   He is Korean.  I have never went on a date with an Asian man. He seems extremely smart, so I am intrigued.

I gave him my number.  I don’t always give my number out before meeting someone, but I did to him because he seemed so genuine.  He has been calling me every day, sometimes more than once.  He is supposed to check his schedule and come up with a time/place to meet.

Last night he called and we spoke for awhile.  We are both jokers and I am not sure what we were talking about that I joked about having to put our wedding plans on hold, etc.  I am only mentioning that conversation because after he hung up last night I haven’t heard from him again.  He said he would call back later.  It was already after 10 pm when he hung up, and he never called again.  It is now 4 pm the next day and nothing.

I am thinking that perhaps the jokes scared him.  We were both used to joke about things, and we had an understanding that we would communicate and clear up any misunderstandings.

Whenever anyone has offended me, I try to raise my soul so high that the offense cannot reach it. – Rene Descartes

I texted him around noon, no reply.  For some reason I think I will never him from him again.  I am just curious to know what happened that he couldn’t have said anything.  Why can people just communicate their thoughts and feelings?

Still, I may not like his action or lack of it, but I respect it.  Next!

How sad it is that I am so easy to move on to the next person?  Perhaps it is not sad, perhaps it is just the way I have to be to be able to survive on this online dating world.   I have learned not to invest myself emotionally in anyone until I am sure they deserve that investment, specially if I didn’t even meet him yet.

I don’t like disappearing acts, but any time that happens I picture my guardian angels removing that person from my life because they are not good for me.

Thank you Guardian Angels!  You know I need guidance.  I have mistaken glitter for gold more than once.

***

“Doubt is the origin of wisdom”  If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.– Rene Descartes

The dentist.  I so wish that I was speaking about a date, but no, I am speaking about having dental issues.  I am not sure I have mentioned before how much issues I have had with my teeth in the past.  I have had cavities filled, extractions, root canals, gum grafts, bone grafts, implants. etc.

For the past 2 years I have enjoyed a reprieve.  My dentist has plenty of ideas for more grafts and implants but nothing that I thought it was necessary.  All I have done in my mouth was for necessity and not cosmetic.

I had stopped going to my dentist in Scarsdale, NY because he was too expensive.  Scarsdale is synonymous with expensive. So since the middle of 2016 I have been going to one in my town that is more reasonable, since all I was doing was cleaning.

On Friday I went to her to have a front that looked chipped on the side fixed. While there I asked her to take a look at the gum on that side because it felt funny and it looked like there was a dark spot on the gum above the next tooth that happens to be an implant.  She took x-rays and said all was fine.  I was elated since I hardly ever have good news from dentists.

On Monday, out of the blue there was bleeding around the implant. It bled for a second, but I was extremely alarmed and immediately made an appointment with my original dentist.

The next day I took the day off and went to see him.  I was bracing myself for the worst.  I could already see surgery and stitches. He took x-rays and actual pictures.  He lectures around the world so I am sure my teeth has been a case study somewhere.

He said I looked beautiful as usual and I said he looked old…not something I recommend anyone to tell their dentist or anybody else, but I was very nervous and his hair had turned grayer than I remembered.

He said that the implant, bone and gums looked great and it just looked like there was something underneath, which I had immediately said popcorn.  The day before my co-worker mentioned popcorn when I said it looked like there was something under the gum.  There are 2 things that I have been eating daily and that is popcorn and grapes.

He scraped under the gum and said he removed some pieces of it.  He said to just take peroxide with a cotton swab and press against it.  He also said I need to make an appointment to get a cleaning with his assistant, and at that time we would talk about things we need to get done.

I was elated… for a couple of days.  Fast forward to a few days later my gum bled yesterday and today. It is not only the occasional bleeding but the nagging persistent feeling of subtle pain and numbness the sinus region.  I was going to have that cleaning in December because that is when the insurance will pay for another cleaning, but I can no longer wait for that.  On Monday I will call and get a cleaning asap.

Of course now I have spent hours Googling and reading about it.  There is condition called Peri-Implant that sounds like a possibility.  Funny thing while Googling is that I found an article that my own dentist wrote about it.   I decided to stop Googling and just wait until I go back to the dentist. I need to stop crossing bridges before I get to them.

I need to get done additional gum grafts for receding gum in the back.  Every time he mentions all that I need to get done I always have the same answer/joke:  find me a rich husband and I will come here and do everything you wish.

Wishing you all blessed weekend! Thank you for taking the time to read.

Divide each difficulty into as many parts as is feasible and necessary to resolve it. – Rene Descartes

In the moment and on a date

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” – Thich Nhat Hahn

I have been taking 5 minutes in the morning when I wake up and 5 minutes before going to bed to meditate or to just be silent and try to turn off my mind.  For now I can’t silence it for the whole 5 minutes so when thoughts persist I just turn to affirmations that I made up such as: I deserve peace.  I deserve love.  I listen to the Universe and the Universe listens to me, etc.

It may seem silly but I credit those little 10 minutes a day with making a world of difference in my attitude and outlook.  Trying to be in the moment and in tune to my body, mind and breath has been incredible for me.  I hope to eventually be able to really let go of thoughts and also to devote more than 5 minutes.

***

“No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.”  – Elizabeth Peters

This dating life remains an adventure.  On Sunday I was asked out by a guy I met on POF.  He was nice and even though he lived a little further than I would want I thought there was potential so I accepted.

This is exactly what he said:  “I was wondering what you were doing late Sunday afternoon was thinking we could meet for appetizers and cocktails”.

He chose a restaurant near my apartment.  We met at 5pm and set at the bar.  He ordered a beer and I ordered a cosmopolitan.  They served us some bread, which was delicious.  He asked me what I would like to eat and I said: anything but shellfish.  He chose an antipasto platter and a whole pizza pie.

While eating, and I need to point out that I had only a couple of bites of cheese and eggplant from the antipasto platter and only 1 slice of pizza. And of course the free bread.  He had the rest of the antipasto and 3 or 4 slices of pizza and took the rest home.

We talked about various things, with him focusing a little too much on how bitter he was at his ex-wife over splitting up the finances. He said if he gets married again he will get a prenuptial agreement.  I am not sure at which point but he eventually said:  “I like to “go dutch” on first dates, so there is no pressure on anyone. So the girl doesn’t feel she owes me anything”.

What?  did he expect me to pay for half?  I never felt I owe a guy anything because he paid for dinner.  While I have no problem paying for my share, cheap men is a real turn off for me.  Also he should have mentioned that before meeting.  He is the one that chose the place and the meal. I was okay with meeting at a coffee shop or at the library or any public place.  I don’t need anyone to buy me dinner or appetizers as I a requirement to meet.

When the bill came I just ignored it.  There is no way I was going to offer to pay half.  Still I thought we managed to have a good time, that is until we said good bye. I went in for a hug good bye and he kissed me on the lips.  I pulled away startled as I hadn’t thought there was any sparks for either one of us.  He tried again and said:  I have to see how you kiss.  I couldn’t get away fast enough.  Classless!

There will not be a second date!

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” – OscarWilde

 

 

and the dating continues

05 Sunday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” – Ralph Ellison

I have been trying to meditate.  I am looking for some inner quiet and peace, and perhaps answers that one can only hear in absolute silence.  Lately I have been having trouble dealing with things I cannot control.  I know better.  I know I should let go and let God.  I know I need to have faith that everything will work out in the end.

It is a combination of factors that has me this anxious, mostly family and work issues.   Since I cannot do anything to change the situation I need to learn not to let it take my peace.

I fail miserably at trying to meditate, at trying to keep thoughts out of my mind, but this time I will not give up as in the past.  Practice makes it perfect so I will keep trying, starting slowly.

“How would your life be different if…You stopped worrying about things you can’t control and started focusing on the things you can? Let today be the day…You free yourself from fruitless worry, seize the day and take effective action on things you can change.” – Steve Maraboli

***

Since I started online dating again I have gone on 2 dates:

The first was with a 57 year businessman.  We had dinner at a Brazilian restaurant.  It went well, but we still haven’t found a time for the second date. When he was free I had guests in town.  Then when I am free he is traveling for business.  It makes me wonder if it is so hard to schedule a second date what will happen if we start a relationship?

He was back from traveling today but said he was going to dinner with his cousin that he doesn’t see often.  For some reason it didn’t ring true to me and if made me question how much he really wants to go on a second date.

Then all of a sudden tonight at 6 pm he texted to say hello and see what I was doing.  He said his cousin took ill and now he felt foolish about not asking me out.  I jokingly said: oh she canceled.  He laughed.  I believe he had a date and she canceled.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” -― George Washington

I don’t mind if he had a date.  I am having other dates. Why make up anything up?  Just say: I am busy.  At the end of the day I am not sure if he was lying or not.  But my gut tells me he was.

Also he said he was eager to see me again.  Still he can’t find the time. For a second I saw potential in him.  He was kind, funny and a gentleman. Now I am  not sure,  He wants to go out this coming week, but we have nothing scheduled.  I am not as excited as before.  If too much time passes after the first date my interest and excitement level goes down.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” – Friedrich Nietzche

***

The other date I had was with a 50 year old author and public speaker.  I am calling him that since I am not sure what to call him.  His ideas and teachings are great and some of same things I believe in. He is a dreamer and wants to help people. I applaud his passion.

We sat at a coffee shop but he never asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink.  He said he was more nervous about meeting me than speaking in front of hundreds of people.

He seemed smart and ambitious, but I think he has a long road ahead of him to get all his plans in motion.  What gave me pause about him was the fact that finding a partner is part of his business plan.

He thinks that without a partner to bounce ideas off and for support (emotional and I have a feeling at times financial) he cannot make his business succeed. He has to move from where he is eventually, but wants to find a girlfriend first and move near her.

He said he was very interested in me.  For the second date he wanted to come to my town to check it out.  It would be too much pressure for me to start going out with someone and the person already move near me. It would be forcing things instead of letting things flow naturally as they may or may not.

I am supposed to let him when I am free for the second date.  But I will talk to him about being friends only since there was no romantic chemistry for me.

“…If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours…If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” – Henry David Thoreau

 

Accept, Respect and Let go!

24 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”  – Jonathan Safran Foer

To continue my previous post.  The following is another factor that contributed to my feeling very down in the dumps the week before last:

  • S and I were having many miscommunication issues. It seemed we were not even speaking the same language.  This was disheartening after we were getting along so well.

We had been exchanging messages for over 2 months.  We got very close in such a short time.  We looked forward to each other’s emails.

At times I told myself I had no intention of meeting him and taking the relationship out of cyberspace; but more often than not I thought about meeting and all the possibilities.  Often I wanted him to ask me out.  I wanted him to want to meet me. I wondered why was taking him so long to ask.

I understand I could have stepped up and ask him out myself, but in this case I thought was up to him.  He knew I wanted to meet, all he had to do was ask.

We really knew nothing about each other.  I knew that his first name started with the letter S.  He was in a profession related to technology and was 41 years old.  He knew a bit more about me.  He knew my first name started with A.  I am 51 years old, from Brazil and have an identical twin sister.

At times I resented not knowing more about him and not being asked out.  I think he sensed my frustration in my words.

“Lingerer, my brain is on fire with impatience; and you tarry so long!” – Charlotte Bronte 

Last week I said something about the fact that he should have asked me out on a certain week that I had nothing keeping me busy (I have had family visiting me non-stop this year).  At that moment he was at a work event that he said was boring. He then said I should go and meet him right then and there.  After being in Manhattan the whole day I was now at home and I wasn’t about to jump in a train and then a subway to get back to Manhattan at 9 pm for that kind of invitation.

I didn’t go. We exchanged more emails that night and then I didn’t hear from him for over 24 hours.  That was odd.  In the past he said that I needed to stop being paranoid and think that he disappeared if he went silent for several hours.

A day later I emailed him and said I missed him.  He sent me a long reply saying there was no point in continuing to email since I would always want something he didn’t have or was not willing to give. He said I would always revert to wanting more.  I am not sure what he meant by that.

His email upset me.  It was not a mean email but he seemed to have misunderstood all I had been saying.  I also didn’t like the fact that he was just going to ghost me and not even bother writing ever again if were not for my reaching out.

But what I disliked the most was that he seemed to all of sudden not like the one aspect of me that I like most about myself and that he had commented on as being a good thing: my very positive hopeful attitude and my belief in fairy-tales.

I now had a choice, reply or just let go.  My first inclination would have been to reply and try to make him understand my side.  I wanted to clear up the miscommunication.  I wanted to understand what he meant by “you would always want more”.  I guess I also wanted him to change his mind.  I wanted to continue.

It took all my will power not to do it.  I realized I would just be prolonging the obvious ending.  I realized he was right, even if he misunderstood all I was trying to say.  I do want more then what he was willing to give.

I realized that this relationship was doomed, as he had pointed out.  It seemed we no longer could go back to the “let’s just be email buddies” thing.  We had gotten too close.  I now had expectations.

“Peace begins when expectation ends.” – Sri Chinmoy 

I have been here before. I have felt misunderstood before. Many times.  Does it really matter if someone understands me or not?  I realize I don’t need everyone to see my side of the story, and to understand it for that matter.  Normally I would try and try to make myself understood only to complicate things even more, and grow more frustrated.

Respect and acceptance are words that came to mind at that moment.  I need to learn to respect and accept people’s truth. People have their own perception and understanding of facts and situation.  It doesn’t make them wrong or right, especially when it comes to such subjective matters.  He was a good person, I know that.  We just disagreed on certain things.

Another idea came to mind: Do I just want to have the last word? I will always and forever have something else to say.  I am one of those people that have long explanations to everything. But do I really need to verbalize everything that comes into my mind?

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  – Lao Tzu

It feels very empowering to not have emailed him.  It feels freeing not to need to have the last word.  I don’t need to be understood and accepted. I aim to understand, or at least respect and accept.

There is that side of me that will always mourn that little friendship we had.  A part of me will always be sad for what could have been. A side of me will every now and then think “what if”?  Didn’t he see all the potential?  Was I just imagining things?

Sometimes it is okay to let things go.  Sometimes it is okay to give up.  The dreamer side of me feels the need to clarify things because I think that things can still work out.

If I reached out nothing would change. He would definitely reply but I would just prolong the situation.  He would still not be asking me out or telling me anything about himself.  I would have grown even more frustrated and he would probably do too.

I feel the best thing I could have done was to let go and let him be.

This is a major shift for me.  I found strength in restraint. Not doing anything is not easy for me, but it proved so powerful and rewarding.  After a week of feeling lost and weak, I now feel grounded and powerful.  I now will choose silence more often.

Then there is also the issue of refusing to accept to be treated less then what you think you deserve for fear that the person will leave and you will end up alone.  In the end you are only delaying the inevitable.  It is not being demanding or difficult, it is being yourself. But I will leave that thought for the next post…

and also coming up, my online dating adventures re-start…well, it is like they never stopped 😉

 “He who is silent is forgotten; he who does not advance falls back; he who stops is overwhelmed; out distanced, crushed; he who ceases to grow becomes smaller; he who leaves off, gives up; the condition of standing still is the beginning of the end.”
― Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Determined and no longer feeling lost

20 Friday Oct 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“I am, indeed, a king, because I know how to rule myself.” – Pietro Aretino

Last week I was feeling lost and powerless. It felt as if I couldn’t find my footing. I was feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t have a real reason or motive but I believe I can pinpoint 2 contributing factors:

1) Someone that I once dated was getting married.  To me it was more than casual dating. It was falling head over heels and thinking there was a future. He was younger, but he seemed mature enough for the age difference not to matter. After 6 months he said he was not interested in serious dating so we became just friends.  I was okay with that as I had been preparing myself from day 1 that this would be just a fling.

By then I had gotten emotionally attached. I wanted more.  I was lying to myself thinking that I was okay with being just friends. But friends we became and we kept mostly a texting relationship and a drink once in a blue moon. I cherished the friendship.

Then one day sensing his distance about meeting for a drink I asked if he had a girlfriend and he came clean.  It turned out he was not interested in seriously dating ME. 🙂

Still we continued the flirting over text.  I chose to ignore the fact that he had a girlfriend.  I am not proud of that.

Around Christmas last year he said he had gotten her an engagement ring. For a second I felt this pang in my stomach, but immediately felt happy for him. Honestly. But when he continued to flirt when texting I became uncomfortable. The fact that he was not available was now more than clear. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I guess I had been going along with the flirting because deep down inside I always hoped that he would come back and say: it is you I really want.

I told him that we needed to take a break from all the texting. He jokingly said: Is 2 hours enough of a break? I didn’t reply.  He never texted again. I was actually relieved that he didn’t.   It was hard not to reach out and say hi, but I knew if I did we would just start the flirting again.

Last week I found out it was his wedding week. Every now and then I would snoop on his friend’s Facebook and Instagram and would get tidbits about his life.  I am not proud of that.  Last week I spent a lot time torturing myself with every little detail and pictures of his beautiful wedding.

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius

All of a sudden I realized the absurdity of it. Why was I making myself miserable with this constant snooping? I think it is human nature to be curious, but I am here to tell you not to do it.

I STOPPED! It hasn’t been easy, but it has been extremely empowering not to look for anything related to him. I confess, at times I want to look and I ask myself what is the harm? I should really be asking what is the benefit? What am I gaining by snooping around the pictures and life of somebody that is part of my past and not of my future? Nothing! Nothing to gain, nothing to add to my life.

Instead of living my life,  I am wasting it looking at his, as if he is the one that got away. The reality is I dodged a bullet. A man that even after getting engaged is still texting and flirting with other women is no prize.  I am sure that had I not asked him to stop he would still be texting me even on the day of his wedding. I have no doubt about that.

I feel a bit sad as I thought we had a genuine friendship. I guess that is one of the reasons that it was so hard to let go of him.  I do feel so foolish now for insisting on a friendship that was not going anywhere and I was not getting anything out of it. Well I guess I was feeding off the little attention I was getting.

Was I feeling down about not being the one getting married? Did I want to be his bride? Or anybody’s bride for that matter? Not really. I never really dreamed about marriage, wedding, etc. But I think that his wedding just highlighted the fact that I am alone at the moment. It made me feel alone.

When I decided to quit looking at anything about him I decided also to stop looking at everything else I was wasting time on.  I had been looking at the pages of friends, strangers, celebrities, etc. What was I gaining with that? Nothing! The time I was spending looking at other people’s lives it was time I could be doing positive things in my own life.

To make a conscious choice to stay away from all Instagram and Facebook makes me feel powerful. It is extremely hard since I had been following certain people for awhile and I feel like I know them and want to know what they are up to.

I don’t have a problem with Facebook and Instagram in general. Those sites are great.  There are so many great ones, inspirational, funny, etc, but I was overdoing it. I was becoming an addict. Because of that I decide to stop it all.  I am like an alcoholic that knows he cannot stop at one drink, so for now I cannot trust myself to only look at certain pages. I may have mentioned this in the past, but now I feel I have turned a corner and I am actually doing it.

Social media can make me feel inadequate some times.  The problem is when I look at their lives and compare them to mine.  It seems everyone is going places, exotic vacations, great bodies, amazing boyfriends, and other great things.  I struggle not to compare myself to others.  Comparison is the fastest and surest way to unhappiness.  I know better. I know much better.

Each time I have the urge to check someone out and I don’t, I feel stronger and stronger.  There is amazing power in abstaining from viewing social media. I am growing stronger by the minute.  Actually, abstaining from anything that threatens to become an addiction, or has become an addiction is extremely empowering.  Try it!!

Since this post has gotten so long, I will be writing about the second factor that I mentioned in the beginning on the next post, so come back and check it out.

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet.” – James Oppenheim