Tags
Empire State Building, Levain bakery, Levain cookies, miscommunications and misunderstandings, not ok with silence, rooftop bar in NYC, second dates, Strand Hotel, the writer and the accountant
The writer
We had a second date. We met for a drink at the rooftop bar at the Strand Hotel. You can see by the picture above the awesome view of the Empire State Building
The bar is small and normally full of tourists that may or may not be staying at hotel. On this night, a Monday, it was pretty quiet.
I got there and he was already seated waiting for me. He was in a very sharp looking gray suit with no tie. He had been attending a conference.
He is very nice, but perhaps a bit on the shy, introvert side. I seem to be the one that has to be introducing conversation topics.
I can tell he likes my company and I like his, but I am not sure why the quiet times. Perhaps the issue is more on me having a problem with silence. Any silence more than a few seconds and I am already asking a question to fill in the space.
On dates I have been trying to be okay with silence and have the man direct the conversation. I am failing miserably at that.
He had 2 drinks and I had one. After almost 2 hours he suggested we leave and walk to the station. One block away from the train station he asked if I was hungry and wanted to have dinner. It caught me off guard as I was already in my “going home” frame of mind.
I figured that if he wanted to get something to eat we could have done so at the bar, so I was a bit confused. I just said that I wasn’t necessarily hungry but I can always eat, but I also said I think I should just go home, or something like that.
It would have been nice to grab some dinner with him but I was a bit tired of being in charge of the conversation.
We mostly talked about writing. He has a couple of novels published. I mentioned the joys of blogging and suggested he should do that to connect to other writers.
I am not sure there will be a third date. I am leaving the door open, but I want him to do the talking.
Why does silence makes me uncomfortable?
“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” – Kahlil Gibran
The 34 yr old accountant
We have been texting since the first date and were scheduled to meet tonight to go get cookies at Levain Bakery. I also have to meet him to pay off a $5.00 bet.
On Monday I had already mentioned to him that dating wouldn’t be a good idea because of the age difference and that we were going to meet as friends.
He said that he was not concerned about the age. He has been trying to convince me otherwise.
Due to communication issues we will not be meeting tonight and perhaps never again.
On Monday he was sick at home. On Tuesday he said he was bored at work with nothing to do. He confirmed that Thursday was the best day for him to meet. Yesterday (Wednesday) he said he was having a busy day. Today at 2 pm I texted him to confirm place and time to meet.
He asked if we could meet tomorrow. I said that I already had plans and that we could try getting together a day next week.
Back and forth emails ensued. At one point he said that if I was not so insistent in meeting at 5 pm then perhaps he could do it.
That came out of nowhere. I was never insistent on 5 pm. What I say to all the guys when talking about scheduling a date is that I can make myself available as early as 4 pm. the good thing about texting is that I have that in writing. We have met before on a Friday at 5:30 because he said that was the best time for him.
I don’t expect everyone to be able to meet that early so I often stay in the office and work while waiting to meet someone at a better time for them.
I said to him that he should have told me about the timing issue before today so we could have cleared that up and not wait until I contacted him on meeting day to say something.
Eventually he said I was right and that he was not being fair to me. He said that he would make it work and we should still meet. I said that work should come first and that I would feel guilty if he was skipping work to meet me.
He kept insisting on meeting but by then I was already turned off about meeting tonight. So I came home early and made myself a good meal.
I still want the big yummy cookies from Levain Bakery though!
“Words are the source of misunderstandings.” – Atonie De Saint-Exupery
I try to be completely honest and communicate clearly. Still I have a lot miscommunication with a lot of my dates. I sometimes annoy people because I want to clarify things. I guess I need to get better at it, specially with texting, so many things get assumed.
As far as the age difference I just realized as I write this that it wouldn’t be such a big deal if we had some more things in common, other than just being chemically attracted to each other. I know I am not interested in a just purely physical relationship.
Or am I?
Blessed with a Star on the Forehead 
Funny you mention trying to fill silences because as of recently I’m trying to let the dudes direct the conversation as well. Like you, I try to fill even brief lapses in conversation and I can’t figure out why I do that! I’m trying to relax about it.
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I have been trying to relax about it and let the conversation just flow, but I still struggle with that. I think silence means disconnection. Conversation connects us. Silence happens and it feels we are connecting anymore. Silence allows my brain to over-think things. I start thinking: why is he not asking me questions? is he bored? what am I doing here? I could be home watching a movie, etc
Let’s just keep trying to slowly listen more and talk less. If that means awkward moments of silence so be it, we will live!
Thank you for sharing and wishing you a blessed weekend! 🙂
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I think the same thing, i.e. that silence means disconnection!
I’ve been deliberately stepping back and allowing the silences… and have ended up pleasantly surprised. 🙂
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It is said that we only grow and get better when we do things that makes us uncomfortable and/or scares us… so, like you, I must make more of an effort to be quiet 🙂
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You are always very honest, I admire that. As you say assuming is not good. and you should never do that, nor expect things. Shy people are no problem for me, I was shy once too. Regarding the silence: for me…. if you can have a conversation with someone and also sit in silence with that person and it feels comfortable then you passed the initial nervous step. It does not have to be non stop talking. (Probably he thinks , she talks a lot) I know how it feels as I am not such a talker and take the cue from them before I open up. Be flexible, go with the flow, don’t follow a set pattern, let things be, let things unfold. I am being honest here, I hope you don’t mind.
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Hi Ute,
Of course I don’t mind you telling me like it is!! I welcome it!!
I do find myself being inflexible and set in my ways often when it comes to dating, and very possibly in other areas of my life.
I think that I have gone out of my way for men in the past. I always gave them the benefit of the doubt and ended up feeling disappointed.
Nowadays I find myself being a “my way or the highway” type of person. Of course that doesn’t benefit anyone and is not such a good way to be.
I am trying (failing miserably) to let things flow naturally and let nature take its course.
Thank you for your insight and wishing you a blessed weekend! 🙂
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#1. A good cookie is better than just about anything else.
#2. Texting, while wonderful, loses the nuance of a conversation. It makes it easy for people to make plans and not follow through, or decide to change plans without needing to call and explain by voice.
#3. When I was dating heavily, I tried to ask twice as many questions as I answered. I became quite adept at, “That sounds very interesting! Tell me more about how you wrestled the raccoon out of the tree.” Or some such nonsense. Men fall for it.
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Hi Dee,
1) oh yeah you bake cookies!! I so wish you were my neighbor! There is nothing better than homemade cookies.
2) That is true! but at the same time in writing they cannot say you never mentioned something.
3) hahaha that was so funny, you had me laughing at the visual of the raccoon and a man wresting it. That is clever!
Thank you and wishing you a blessed weekend…hopefully with cookies in the oven! 🙂
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Silence to me starts the bringing out the phone stage and if I’m already there, there will definitely not be another date!
I wish you luck. Men are easily distracted so you can get through this.
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Silence and bringing out the cell phone, don’t get me started lol
We human beings can be so complicated sometimes. Thank you for your good wishes. I remain hopeful! Wishing a blessed week! 🙂
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I love your nuances and you know, it’s all about being yourself. They say our flaws are perfect for the one who is meant to love us, so don’t change who you are or feel you need to do something differently. I’m a stubborn, my way type of chick and with the right person, softening my opinion to let someone else’s in came with time. But this needs to be with the right person. First and foremost, basics like talking endlessly for hours and committing to something as simple as a time to meet, regardless of age and shyness, doesn’t need to be an obstacle this early in the dating stage. If it is, I see it as a sign for things to come so always trust your sharp intuition and don’t compromise because we think we need to as women getting older. This is a weeding process because of how much love a woman gives, she must be choosy who she gives this to. Don’t ever doubt how wonderful you are and what issue you are feeling in your gut. You are perfect just the way you are. And besides, if you change then you will be again less perfect for someone who is meant to love you….so just keep that faith and belief in knowing the Universe has created your awesome match, you just need to say hello. 🙂
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Perhaps, you feel very uncomfortable (fear?) silence because you do not like simply being in the moment. I used to be one to need to keep the conversation going. Now, there are many times where I will just sit and look for quite a time in order to get the other person to say what they would like or are thinking.
Scott
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Hi Scott,
I do have an issue with being in the moment. I am normally making mental lists for the future.
If you are sitting with me and you go quiet you won’t get what I am thinking. You will get questions about your life, likes and dislikes.
When somebody goes silent normally what I think is: What am I doing here? This person has zero interest in getting to know me.
Wishing you a blessed week! 🙂
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If I got quiet, it would be because I am admiring the beautiful woman I am with.
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oh, you charmer you!! 🙂
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Truth, my Dear, is easy!
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🙂
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