Monthly Archives: November 2017

I have been called a big hairy hermaphrodite!

28 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Trust instinct to the end, even though you can give no reason.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Indeed I have! Did I get offended? No! I shook my head at his ignorance. I pity people that think they have to try to offend others to make themselves feel better. I pity people that would use a condition that someone may be born with to insult. I am not offended not because I am not one, but because there is no shame in being one. To me it is like he called me black or gay or immigrant.

I guess I was offended by his ignorance, callousness and rudeness.

Here is what happened:

A guy contacted me on Match.com. He said: “I like what I see, let’s meet or talk on the phone”. I didn’t care for that approach. It rubbed me the wrong way, perhaps because it is generic and lacked thought. Perhaps because he was acting purely on the visual instead of “I like what I read on your profile”, which is normally what I get.

Still, I decided to be open minded and give him the benefit of the doubt. I replied asking for more information as he had only a couple of lines in his profile and only one picture that was not very clear. I explained that there are a lot of fake profiles so I wanted to be cautious and make sure he was a real person.

He replied with his Facebook link. I was able to be a little more assured.
After a couple of back and forth emails, he mentioned meeting at some point in my town. I said: What about tonight? He agreed and asked what time. I said: Any time that works for you.

Normally when I am suspicious of someone I offer to meet right away. Someone with a fake profile will never want to meet. They will either never reply again or they will insist on talking on the phone first.

Also, I rather meet someone right away, nothing beats face to face.  I don’t want to waste time and energy and then meet in person and there is no chemistry.

After almost 2 hours he replied: Let’s talk and he gives me his number.
I replied that I was not interested in talking on the phone and if he didn’t want to meet we could just communicate on the site until ready to meet.

The following exchange ensued verbatim:

He: “I did not say I did not want to meet I wanted to talk on the phone to make the arrangement but since you seem to be so paranoid never mind.”

Me: “Paranoid? Ouch. Perhaps just unfairly assuming. Sorry it didn’t work out. Best wishes!”

He: “You are right more like Delusional Paranoid. You were probably a big hairy hermaphrodite. Lol best wishes to you too.”

Of course I was done.  I am always thinking and hoping for the best in people.  I am always thinking that miscommunication can be cleared up and people can part as friends.

It is sad to me that he chose to go that route. Even if I was wrong by assuming he didn’t want to meet, in no way it required or invited such response.

First, I want to thank my guardian angels for once again stepping up and preventing me from meeting and wasting my time on a mediocre human being.

Second, I look at the lesson in here. The lesson, I believe, is to trust my instincts. From the second he first emailed me I knew that there was something about him that I didn’t like.

And that was another day in my online dating life.  The next post will be about last Saturday and Sunday brunch dates dates.

“Yoga says instinct is a trace of an old experience that has been repeated many times and the impressions have sunk down to the bottom of the mental lake. Although they go down, they aren’t completely erased. Don’t think you ever forget anything. All experiences are stored in the chittam; and, when the proper atmosphere is created, they come to the surface again. When we do something several times it forms a habit. Continue with that habit for a long time, and it becomes your character. Continue with that character and eventually, perhaps in another life, it comes up as instinct. (92)” – Swami Satchidananda

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Cultivating gratitude and dating update

24 Friday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. It is always my prayer that everyone has shelter, food and loved ones around (family and/or family).

My gratitude list is immense and growing.  It is a blessing to be alive; everything else is the icing on the cake.  I have food, shelter and loved ones.  Speaking of loved ones, I am a bit disappointed to not be invited anywhere this Thanksgiving, but the truth is I would have probably declined the invitation anyway as I always choose to be alone on holidays.

To me is extremely important to constantly remind myself of all the blessings in my life and to constantly say thank you to everyone. Gratitude is happiness!

I have been having up and down moments due to many issues beyond my control. I know that it is not what happens to me, but how I handle it and react to it that matters.  I know I need to devote more time and energy to meditation and mindfulness, but I still struggle with that.  I see the benefits of it, but still I drag my feet at doing it.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr   

Update on last post:

Dentist. On Monday morning at 7:30 am I was sitting at my dentist’s door waiting for him to arrive.  My teeth, and specially my gums,  just didn’t look and feel right.  I knew something was wrong even though he had assured me that all was fine.

After additional x-rays he still could not see anything really wrong. So he decided to open the gum and clean around the implant.  After many shots of anesthesia, he opened the gum in the area and cleaned around the implant.  I left with a bunch of stitches and instructions not to eat on that side for 2 weeks.

It has been 5 days now and still it doesn’t feel completely right.  I had dental surgeries before that were longer and more involved than this one and I remembered being fine in no time and not even taking pain pills after the first day.  This time it is taking longer to feel right.  The gum looks white and weird and I still feel this dull faint pain on that side of my face. Perhaps I am older and weaker to pain. Thankfully I have a return scheduled for Monday morning.  I hope he gives me good news, or at least pacify my fears.

Writer: He asked me out this week on Tuesday or Wednesday but because of my dental issues I had to decline. We have been communicating daily and we will probably meet next week. He seems thoughtful and interested so we all shall see where this will go.

The Korean: He finally replied to my text later that day saying that was having a grouchy Saturday.  Since then we have been texting on and off.  He apologized for being busy with his son being off from school.  I accept someone being busy with family priorities, but it just feels like something else has changed.  And as a result my original interest has waned.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” – Eckart Tolle

In the meantime some old ghosts from the past have returned.

The Naturopathic doctor.  We have been communicating on and off after having several dates over 2 years ago.  He has asked me out a couple of times since but I was always busy with something so I declined.  Two weeks ago I accepted a Sunday brunch invitation. It was fun catching up.  He is smart and our conversations are always enlightening. I don’t think there is any romance anymore but he has become a good friend.  Last Sunday he contacted me but I was at brunch with the guy I describing next so we scheduled a brunch date tomorrow.  Even though eating on one side of the mouth only is not fun I am still keeping the date.

The International lawyer.  I had a couple of dates with him over a year ago and due to busy schedule on both sides by the time we reconnected again he had a girlfriend.  Now that he broke up with the girlfriend he asked me out to catch up.  I am not proud and I need to eat so I accepted a brunch invitation last Sunday.  It was a lot fun as he is smart and fun. We have been texting and will probably get together again, but just as friends only for me.  I am not sure if he has romance in mind but to me that is gone.

At this moment the only one that I can perhaps see some romance down the line is the writer.

At the end of the day I am sitting here extremely grateful for everything in my life, the good and the bad.  All these dates, all these experiences, all these men, in the end helps me to get to know myself better.  It helps me realize what I need and want in my life.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read, and the care to comment.  Your advice is invaluable, your friendship treasured!

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

The writer, the Korean and the dentist

18 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” – Plato

The writer.  On Monday night I met a grant writer/novel writer for drinks.  We met at a beer pub.  I had wine since I don’t drink beer.  I like the guy to choose the place for the first date.  He picked a place that was convenient for me to get to from my job and on the way to the train station.  That was very thoughtful, specially since he had to travel 40 minutes to get there.

He was very nice and paid attention to every word I said.  I talked a lot as usual.  Now every now and then he will comment on something I said that day.  When we said good bye at Grand Central we hugged and he asked if we could meet again, I said yes.  It is now Saturday and no plans for a second date have been made.

Maybe I am just the impatient kind but I think if he really wanted to see me again he would have scheduled a second date by now.  Is he waiting for me to say something?

He may have to wait forever because the longer it goes by the more reasons I keep finding on why this relationship wouldn’t work out in the long run.  And maybe he is doing the same.

**

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” – Plato

The Korean.  I am speaking to another guy but we have yet to make plans. His life revolves around a son that is very involved in sports.   He is Korean.  I have never went on a date with an Asian man. He seems extremely smart, so I am intrigued.

I gave him my number.  I don’t always give my number out before meeting someone, but I did to him because he seemed so genuine.  He has been calling me every day, sometimes more than once.  He is supposed to check his schedule and come up with a time/place to meet.

Last night he called and we spoke for awhile.  We are both jokers and I am not sure what we were talking about that I joked about having to put our wedding plans on hold, etc.  I am only mentioning that conversation because after he hung up last night I haven’t heard from him again.  He said he would call back later.  It was already after 10 pm when he hung up, and he never called again.  It is now 4 pm the next day and nothing.

I am thinking that perhaps the jokes scared him.  We were both used to joke about things, and we had an understanding that we would communicate and clear up any misunderstandings.

Whenever anyone has offended me, I try to raise my soul so high that the offense cannot reach it. – Rene Descartes

I texted him around noon, no reply.  For some reason I think I will never him from him again.  I am just curious to know what happened that he couldn’t have said anything.  Why can people just communicate their thoughts and feelings?

Still, I may not like his action or lack of it, but I respect it.  Next!

How sad it is that I am so easy to move on to the next person?  Perhaps it is not sad, perhaps it is just the way I have to be to be able to survive on this online dating world.   I have learned not to invest myself emotionally in anyone until I am sure they deserve that investment, specially if I didn’t even meet him yet.

I don’t like disappearing acts, but any time that happens I picture my guardian angels removing that person from my life because they are not good for me.

Thank you Guardian Angels!  You know I need guidance.  I have mistaken glitter for gold more than once.

***

“Doubt is the origin of wisdom”  If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.– Rene Descartes

The dentist.  I so wish that I was speaking about a date, but no, I am speaking about having dental issues.  I am not sure I have mentioned before how much issues I have had with my teeth in the past.  I have had cavities filled, extractions, root canals, gum grafts, bone grafts, implants. etc.

For the past 2 years I have enjoyed a reprieve.  My dentist has plenty of ideas for more grafts and implants but nothing that I thought it was necessary.  All I have done in my mouth was for necessity and not cosmetic.

I had stopped going to my dentist in Scarsdale, NY because he was too expensive.  Scarsdale is synonymous with expensive. So since the middle of 2016 I have been going to one in my town that is more reasonable, since all I was doing was cleaning.

On Friday I went to her to have a front that looked chipped on the side fixed. While there I asked her to take a look at the gum on that side because it felt funny and it looked like there was a dark spot on the gum above the next tooth that happens to be an implant.  She took x-rays and said all was fine.  I was elated since I hardly ever have good news from dentists.

On Monday, out of the blue there was bleeding around the implant. It bled for a second, but I was extremely alarmed and immediately made an appointment with my original dentist.

The next day I took the day off and went to see him.  I was bracing myself for the worst.  I could already see surgery and stitches. He took x-rays and actual pictures.  He lectures around the world so I am sure my teeth has been a case study somewhere.

He said I looked beautiful as usual and I said he looked old…not something I recommend anyone to tell their dentist or anybody else, but I was very nervous and his hair had turned grayer than I remembered.

He said that the implant, bone and gums looked great and it just looked like there was something underneath, which I had immediately said popcorn.  The day before my co-worker mentioned popcorn when I said it looked like there was something under the gum.  There are 2 things that I have been eating daily and that is popcorn and grapes.

He scraped under the gum and said he removed some pieces of it.  He said to just take peroxide with a cotton swab and press against it.  He also said I need to make an appointment to get a cleaning with his assistant, and at that time we would talk about things we need to get done.

I was elated… for a couple of days.  Fast forward to a few days later my gum bled yesterday and today. It is not only the occasional bleeding but the nagging persistent feeling of subtle pain and numbness the sinus region.  I was going to have that cleaning in December because that is when the insurance will pay for another cleaning, but I can no longer wait for that.  On Monday I will call and get a cleaning asap.

Of course now I have spent hours Googling and reading about it.  There is condition called Peri-Implant that sounds like a possibility.  Funny thing while Googling is that I found an article that my own dentist wrote about it.   I decided to stop Googling and just wait until I go back to the dentist. I need to stop crossing bridges before I get to them.

I need to get done additional gum grafts for receding gum in the back.  Every time he mentions all that I need to get done I always have the same answer/joke:  find me a rich husband and I will come here and do everything you wish.

Wishing you all blessed weekend! Thank you for taking the time to read.

Divide each difficulty into as many parts as is feasible and necessary to resolve it. – Rene Descartes

In the moment and on a date

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” – Thich Nhat Hahn

I have been taking 5 minutes in the morning when I wake up and 5 minutes before going to bed to meditate or to just be silent and try to turn off my mind.  For now I can’t silence it for the whole 5 minutes so when thoughts persist I just turn to affirmations that I made up such as: I deserve peace.  I deserve love.  I listen to the Universe and the Universe listens to me, etc.

It may seem silly but I credit those little 10 minutes a day with making a world of difference in my attitude and outlook.  Trying to be in the moment and in tune to my body, mind and breath has been incredible for me.  I hope to eventually be able to really let go of thoughts and also to devote more than 5 minutes.

***

“No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.”  – Elizabeth Peters

This dating life remains an adventure.  On Sunday I was asked out by a guy I met on POF.  He was nice and even though he lived a little further than I would want I thought there was potential so I accepted.

This is exactly what he said:  “I was wondering what you were doing late Sunday afternoon was thinking we could meet for appetizers and cocktails”.

He chose a restaurant near my apartment.  We met at 5pm and set at the bar.  He ordered a beer and I ordered a cosmopolitan.  They served us some bread, which was delicious.  He asked me what I would like to eat and I said: anything but shellfish.  He chose an antipasto platter and a whole pizza pie.

While eating, and I need to point out that I had only a couple of bites of cheese and eggplant from the antipasto platter and only 1 slice of pizza. And of course the free bread.  He had the rest of the antipasto and 3 or 4 slices of pizza and took the rest home.

We talked about various things, with him focusing a little too much on how bitter he was at his ex-wife over splitting up the finances. He said if he gets married again he will get a prenuptial agreement.  I am not sure at which point but he eventually said:  “I like to “go dutch” on first dates, so there is no pressure on anyone. So the girl doesn’t feel she owes me anything”.

What?  did he expect me to pay for half?  I never felt I owe a guy anything because he paid for dinner.  While I have no problem paying for my share, cheap men is a real turn off for me.  Also he should have mentioned that before meeting.  He is the one that chose the place and the meal. I was okay with meeting at a coffee shop or at the library or any public place.  I don’t need anyone to buy me dinner or appetizers as I a requirement to meet.

When the bill came I just ignored it.  There is no way I was going to offer to pay half.  Still I thought we managed to have a good time, that is until we said good bye. I went in for a hug good bye and he kissed me on the lips.  I pulled away startled as I hadn’t thought there was any sparks for either one of us.  He tried again and said:  I have to see how you kiss.  I couldn’t get away fast enough.  Classless!

There will not be a second date!

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” – OscarWilde

 

 

and the dating continues

05 Sunday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” – Ralph Ellison

I have been trying to meditate.  I am looking for some inner quiet and peace, and perhaps answers that one can only hear in absolute silence.  Lately I have been having trouble dealing with things I cannot control.  I know better.  I know I should let go and let God.  I know I need to have faith that everything will work out in the end.

It is a combination of factors that has me this anxious, mostly family and work issues.   Since I cannot do anything to change the situation I need to learn not to let it take my peace.

I fail miserably at trying to meditate, at trying to keep thoughts out of my mind, but this time I will not give up as in the past.  Practice makes it perfect so I will keep trying, starting slowly.

“How would your life be different if…You stopped worrying about things you can’t control and started focusing on the things you can? Let today be the day…You free yourself from fruitless worry, seize the day and take effective action on things you can change.” – Steve Maraboli

***

Since I started online dating again I have gone on 2 dates:

The first was with a 57 year businessman.  We had dinner at a Brazilian restaurant.  It went well, but we still haven’t found a time for the second date. When he was free I had guests in town.  Then when I am free he is traveling for business.  It makes me wonder if it is so hard to schedule a second date what will happen if we start a relationship?

He was back from traveling today but said he was going to dinner with his cousin that he doesn’t see often.  For some reason it didn’t ring true to me and if made me question how much he really wants to go on a second date.

Then all of a sudden tonight at 6 pm he texted to say hello and see what I was doing.  He said his cousin took ill and now he felt foolish about not asking me out.  I jokingly said: oh she canceled.  He laughed.  I believe he had a date and she canceled.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” -― George Washington

I don’t mind if he had a date.  I am having other dates. Why make up anything up?  Just say: I am busy.  At the end of the day I am not sure if he was lying or not.  But my gut tells me he was.

Also he said he was eager to see me again.  Still he can’t find the time. For a second I saw potential in him.  He was kind, funny and a gentleman. Now I am  not sure,  He wants to go out this coming week, but we have nothing scheduled.  I am not as excited as before.  If too much time passes after the first date my interest and excitement level goes down.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” – Friedrich Nietzche

***

The other date I had was with a 50 year old author and public speaker.  I am calling him that since I am not sure what to call him.  His ideas and teachings are great and some of same things I believe in. He is a dreamer and wants to help people. I applaud his passion.

We sat at a coffee shop but he never asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink.  He said he was more nervous about meeting me than speaking in front of hundreds of people.

He seemed smart and ambitious, but I think he has a long road ahead of him to get all his plans in motion.  What gave me pause about him was the fact that finding a partner is part of his business plan.

He thinks that without a partner to bounce ideas off and for support (emotional and I have a feeling at times financial) he cannot make his business succeed. He has to move from where he is eventually, but wants to find a girlfriend first and move near her.

He said he was very interested in me.  For the second date he wanted to come to my town to check it out.  It would be too much pressure for me to start going out with someone and the person already move near me. It would be forcing things instead of letting things flow naturally as they may or may not.

I am supposed to let him when I am free for the second date.  But I will talk to him about being friends only since there was no romantic chemistry for me.

“…If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours…If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” – Henry David Thoreau