“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” – Ralph Ellison

I have been trying to meditate.  I am looking for some inner quiet and peace, and perhaps answers that one can only hear in absolute silence.  Lately I have been having trouble dealing with things I cannot control.  I know better.  I know I should let go and let God.  I know I need to have faith that everything will work out in the end.

It is a combination of factors that has me this anxious, mostly family and work issues.   Since I cannot do anything to change the situation I need to learn not to let it take my peace.

I fail miserably at trying to meditate, at trying to keep thoughts out of my mind, but this time I will not give up as in the past.  Practice makes it perfect so I will keep trying, starting slowly.

“How would your life be different if…You stopped worrying about things you can’t control and started focusing on the things you can? Let today be the day…You free yourself from fruitless worry, seize the day and take effective action on things you can change.” – Steve Maraboli

***

Since I started online dating again I have gone on 2 dates:

The first was with a 57 year businessman.  We had dinner at a Brazilian restaurant.  It went well, but we still haven’t found a time for the second date. When he was free I had guests in town.  Then when I am free he is traveling for business.  It makes me wonder if it is so hard to schedule a second date what will happen if we start a relationship?

He was back from traveling today but said he was going to dinner with his cousin that he doesn’t see often.  For some reason it didn’t ring true to me and if made me question how much he really wants to go on a second date.

Then all of a sudden tonight at 6 pm he texted to say hello and see what I was doing.  He said his cousin took ill and now he felt foolish about not asking me out.  I jokingly said: oh she canceled.  He laughed.  I believe he had a date and she canceled.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” -― George Washington

I don’t mind if he had a date.  I am having other dates. Why make up anything up?  Just say: I am busy.  At the end of the day I am not sure if he was lying or not.  But my gut tells me he was.

Also he said he was eager to see me again.  Still he can’t find the time. For a second I saw potential in him.  He was kind, funny and a gentleman. Now I am  not sure,  He wants to go out this coming week, but we have nothing scheduled.  I am not as excited as before.  If too much time passes after the first date my interest and excitement level goes down.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” – Friedrich Nietzche

***

The other date I had was with a 50 year old author and public speaker.  I am calling him that since I am not sure what to call him.  His ideas and teachings are great and some of same things I believe in. He is a dreamer and wants to help people. I applaud his passion.

We sat at a coffee shop but he never asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink.  He said he was more nervous about meeting me than speaking in front of hundreds of people.

He seemed smart and ambitious, but I think he has a long road ahead of him to get all his plans in motion.  What gave me pause about him was the fact that finding a partner is part of his business plan.

He thinks that without a partner to bounce ideas off and for support (emotional and I have a feeling at times financial) he cannot make his business succeed. He has to move from where he is eventually, but wants to find a girlfriend first and move near her.

He said he was very interested in me.  For the second date he wanted to come to my town to check it out.  It would be too much pressure for me to start going out with someone and the person already move near me. It would be forcing things instead of letting things flow naturally as they may or may not.

I am supposed to let him when I am free for the second date.  But I will talk to him about being friends only since there was no romantic chemistry for me.

“…If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours…If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” – Henry David Thoreau