Author Archives: A Star on the Forehead

Never hate …willing to try love again and again

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Trying again and again, falling down, getting up and trying again and again, that to me is life, a continuous cycle of trials, specially my life.

Going for what you want and never giving up, be it a job or love or anything else you aim at, takes determination! It also takes forgetting, forgiving and believing! oh yeah, and one must not forget their sense of humor!

Everyone says “letting go of the past” is essential to moving on. I am beginning to believe that completely “letting go of the past” may never happen for me, so instead I am focusing on making peace with the past.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just makes them less vivid!  The wounds are still there, like battle scars.  The type of scar that still bleeds and hurts when touched.

The above quote is completely right: Letting go isn’t a thing that you do and you are done with. You have to keep doing it over and over again.

I thought that I would magically wake up one day and realize that I no longer had any thoughts of Ex and anything related to him, but that is not the case. Some mornings I wake up and the pain is as fresh as if it all happened yesterday.

I am happy embracing my future, but I find myself making frequent trips to the past. Some days out of the blue the past come flooding back as a torrent that takes me by surprise and breaks me down. I am left in a puddle of tears.

I have been putting so much pressure on myself to let go of the past that it seems to be back-firing.  It is draining me and having the opposite effect.  I decided to try a different approach , and an easier attitude. If I visit the past every now and then, so be it!  It is not the end of the world!

I don’t want Ex anymore, but somehow there is a certain level of comfort in holding on to memories of him, good and bad. The good memories, makes me feel I was loved and that the 3 years were not in vain. The bad memories helps me to move forward, helps me to remember that I need to value myself and put myself in first place.

This has been a year of major realizations.  Ex helped me realize that I am incapable of having mean thoughts and feelings about anyone, including and specially him.  He wrote me an email 2 days ago thanking me for loving him so much and thanking my family for having welcomed him with open arms and treating him like family – Hurricane Sandy made him realize a few things. I cried! Even if it is all bs and chances are great that it is, it touched me and made me realize that I don’t want to hate him, I want to see him happy!  Not with me, but happy!

I really loved him and it is really true what they say about wanting to see the person you love happy.  I am looking past what he did that hurt me.  Our relationship was the entire 3 years and not just the last few months. So he messed up in the last months. He is only human. I am willing to accept that. I think one day he will realize all he has done. But he is not there yet.

I do wish he would examine his actions so he would learn from them, but I am no longer willing to be his instructor.  I am just enjoying having a heart that doesn’t know how to hate. I thank him for the great time, forgive him for the pain he caused and wish him happiness. I find comfort in not hating him.  Actually I should thank him for the pain also, without pain there is no growth!   I have been growing by leaps and bounds because of him!

I replied to the e-mail like I would to an old friend, but didn’t engage in additional exchanges. I am not his friend, but I am not his enemy either. He is a person I knew and cared for! Period! Perhaps I should have not replied, but I am happy I did. It makes me feel more in control this way.  Trying to ignore him made me feel like I was actually giving him power over me.

I navigate life alone beautifully, and I am not faking it, I really enjoy my freedom! I love doing what I want when I want and not having to explain anything to anybody! But, yes there is a but, I really want to find someone with my same values, humor and energy to go through life together.  I want to find someone that thinks that life is both a blessing and a big adventure!

In the meantime I am working on myself, enjoying life and always in search of people and things that will add to my life not detract from it.

I am also looking at how I present myself and how I treat others.  Forgetting about me, me, me and focusing on a greater good sounds like a good recipe for a better future!  Can I behave today better than I did yesterday?  How many people can I make smile tomorrow?

I choose to be happy!!! 🙂

Day 18: Biggest Loser Ranch, Skiing Vacation or Sunny Island?

09 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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I just saw this Groupon offer for one week at the Biggest Loser Ranch and I came very close to booking it! They have 3 locations – Niagara Falls, Utah and Malibu, but the offer was only for 2 – Niagara Falls and Malibu.

For awhile I was already picturing myself hiking, eating meals prepared by health conscious chefs and getting massages.  I think that one week at the ranch would probably help me lose the pounds that I think I need to lose.

Since money is short these days I think that perhaps it is better to spend that money on some other vacation and lose the pounds on my own.

I think that if I really wanted I could lose those extra stubborn pounds by tweaking my eating habits a bit.

Could I really? If so, why haven’t I done that yet? Perhaps I don’t want it bad enough!!

Would I be better off spending the $1,700 (that was the offer price, which normally goes for $2,400) on some other vacation?

Would it be better to go to a skiing location and continue to improve my shaky beginning skiing skills? (which is by the way the plan this winter – improve my skiing).   Or perhaps I should relax body and mind and refresh my tan with a stay at a Caribbean island?

Perhaps if they were offering this promotion at the Utah location I would be more tempted. I have gone to Niagara Falls and to Malibu, but never to Utah.  And I could go skiing there also!

One thing is for sure: If that is what I have pondering over today, I certainly have no problems and nothing to complain about!

Life is amazing and I am blessed! and I know it!

 

Day 17: Smart Person, Stupid Idea

08 Thursday Nov 2012

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I was unsure what to do yesterday as far as my Pilates appointment. Do I go or do I cancel?  It was snowing and I don’t have a 4×4, I have an old sports car that is not even good in the rain.

So I called a friend to ask his opinion and he didn’t answer so I took that as a sign that I should go.  I knew that had I spoken to him he would tell me to stay at home.

I went to a town 20 miles away and had my 1 hour Pilates session.  It felt good having my session but really it was terribly stupid and dangerous to venture out on a night like that.  Driving back it was not fun, in fact it was scary! I saw many accidents and at one point had to gingerly navigate between car crashes on both side of the parkway as my car kept slipping and sliding.  I never held the stirring so tight as I did last night.

I have learned my lesson! I am never doing that again!  No more driving on snowy days!  I am thankful I got home safe with no incidents or accidents.

Why do smart people make such dumb choices some times?

**

**

One of my favorites ex-co-workers stopped by today as a surprise! It was the highlight of my day.  This guy is so much fun.  We used to dance and sing and joke and I truly miss him.  He has such a genuine good heart and great character.

Some people brighten your day just by showing up! 🙂

 

 

 

Day 16: Living gratefully!

07 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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Exhausting day, but very happy and grateful!

I feel kind of guilty for coming out of Hurricane Sandy unscathed   I have co-workers that still don’t have electricity while my lights didn’t even flicker! and not counting on the many people that lost their homes and belongings.

Feeling grateful for everything I have I realized that, even though I am grateful for my job, I wasn’t taking it as seriously as I should.

My job provides me no challenges anymore and lately I feel like I have been coasting. I don’t like feeling I am not doing my best.  So starting today I have decided to refocus and face my job with renewed gratitude and dedication.

It felt amazing at the end of the day to know that I did the best that I could.  I realize that there are things that I can do to make my job more interesting, and that there are things I can learn and do so I don’t feel like I am stuck and not growing.

I am grateful for everything I have, but it is easy to veer off of the grateful path and take things for granted. So I am trying to be more watchful of my actions.  Am I conducting myself in a grateful way or am I just all talk?

Day 15: … and the chocolate cake of choice is

06 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by in Dating, Food

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So here it is the cake of choice:

Bittersweet Chocolate Cake (Milk Chocolate Ganache)

It was delicious but it didn’t taste like I expected it would.  In a way it was kind of a let down.  Chocolate doesn’t taste the same to me anymore.

I feel chocolate doesn’t have a hold on me anymore.  I feel freed from an addiction!  Even though AL and I shared that small dessert, there was even some left.  Today I bought hot chocolate for a co-workers and chose coffee for myself.

I know that at another time of the month (pms) I will crave chocolate and indulge in it, but it feels great not to feel controlled by it anymore.  It feels great not to want it!

Don’t get me wrong, I battle sugar constantly, some days are easier than others, but I feel that conquering chocolate is progress and brings me closer to having a normal relationship with sugar.

***

So last night, we had a great meal at a local restaurant called Alvin and Friends http://www.alvinandfriendsrestaurant.com!  I had Caramelized Salmon with Roasted Potatoes, Asparagus, Pot Likker Butter Sauce.  AL had Braised Curried Lamb Shank with Black Eyed Pea Vegetable Salad, Lemon-Truffle Vinaigrette.  Both dishes were delicious!  But we both still vote the duck the best dish there – and I am not even a duck person!!

Followed by conversation, music and even some Sunday night football!

Life is amazing and it keeps getting better all the time!! 🙂

 

ONE YEAR WITHOUT CHOCOLATE!!! -Day 14

04 Sunday Nov 2012

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Well, well, well,  the day that I thought would never come it is finally here!!  The day that I can start eating chocolate again!!  Truth is, today is a bit anticlimactic. I didn’t wake up thinking or even wanting chocolate.

Now that the day is here it feels I could go another year without – but I will not! 🙂

As I mentioned many times before I was searching for something specially scrumptious to eat today.  I didn’t really spend much time in that search, but I am happy to say that AL came through with flying colors and asked me on a date tonight to one of my favorite local restaurants. This restaurant has a famous chocolate cake that I am dying to try. I will take a picture and report on it tomorrow.

The feeling of being able to go one year without something that I love and had everyday make me feel very proud, powerful and somewhat invincible.

I am taking advantage of this feeling to come up with some news goals and put some plans in motion. Stay tuned for my new challenges!

Just watched the movie Rudy, and of course I cried! That kid had so much heart – it is such an inspiration!!

Day 13: Electricity is back, so I am working!!

04 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Food

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The electricity in our offices returned today.  I went in to make sure that our computer and phone systems were rebooted and back running with no issues.

Of course there were issues! Computers are fine after some work, but phones will have to be dealt with on Monday. Still, no complaining, it is what it is, and we will make the best of it!

Tomorrow is a big day, well, more like a huge day!! It is chocolate day!! If you have been following you know that tomorrow it will be the day that I am allowing myself to eat chocolate again.  I have been searching for what to eat that is special enough for that day.  With Hurricane Sandy, my focus completely shifted -as it should, so the day is here and I don’t have that special thing to eat 😦

The ideal would be a chocolate cake with coconut filling, like the one below.

We shall see what happens tomorrow.

 

Day 12: No New York City marathon on Sunday :(

03 Saturday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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Slowly things have been getting back to some kind of normal (for some of us). Still no power in our offices but hopefully by Monday Con Edison will come through.

The New York City Marathon has been canceled, not postponed, CANCELED! I am a little sad over it!

I am sad because the Marathon is part of the New York City history and also for all the athletes that eagerly waited and trained for it and have come from all over the world.

There was so much controversy over it, that I do understand Mayor Bloomberg making this decision. Some boroughs, specially Staten Island were complaining that resources and personnel that is needed for the hurricane relief was going to be used for the race, even after the mayor making assurances to the opposite.

I have electricity and my apartment has not been destroyed by the hurricane so I am in no position to judge, and that is not my intention. I understand both sides of the argument for or against the race.

I hope that Staten Island and all other boroughs and towns get the much needed help they need.

Day 11- Having Patience, Eating, Reading and Sleeping

02 Friday Nov 2012

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Not much to report, life progresses as normal as it can be under the circumstances.

We continue to work out of a hotel and Con Edison says that it will be still another 4 days until we get the electricity restored.

I am doing my best not to get stressed with all the work that is not getting done, and invoices that are not being sent and therefore payments that will not be coming in.

Trying to see the world through grateful eyes really makes difference, I am taking it all in stride knowing fully well that I am one of the lucky ones.

***

Pilates tonight kicked my booty!  If I could only stop eating all the bread and its relatives Mr. Cakes, Miss Muffin, Mr. Scone, Miss Cookie, etc, that I eat my body would look amazing.  But since I can’t my body is still amazing, just not amazing looking.  Oh well, life is too short for me not to eat what I want!!

***

I decided that I need to come up with a list of goals for each month.  For November it will be to finish the 4 books that I have sitting on my nightstand!

I am the type of person that needs goals and projects. Not having an aim or a deadline make me feels like I am just drifting through life.  Drifting is fun for a little bit but after awhile just leaves me frustrated.

***

I am going to try to sleep before 11 tonight! It has been an exhausting week!

 

Day 10 – Baby Steps in making peace with the past

01 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

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We still don’t have electricity in our offices, so today we bought laptops and rented a conference room at the Hilton Hotel.  We managed to get some work done. Some things happen and inconveniences us, but it also make us realize how blessed we are. I hope I can take this experience and use it not to take my day to day for granted.

**

I have been struggling with my wanting to reach out to Ex and make sure that him and C (the dog) are okay.  He lives in a very wooded area and I remember well what we went through with Hurricane Irene.

I have successively avoided any kind of communication with him, but I cannot deny that I still care about his well being. So I have been obsessing about wanting to reach out.

I don’t ever want to be with him again or even be his friend.  But, once you love somebody you cannot just snap your fingers and stop loving them. I believe you will always care, but you just make a choice to love and respect yourself more.

So yesterday I allowed myself to text him and ask if he and C were okay. He texted back that they were okay and that he appreciated my checking on him. And guess what happened? I felt so light afterwards, and best of all, I stopped obsessing about it.  It is funny it seems that I turned a corner.

It kind of freed me.  I have been working so hard at completely ignoring him that it was having the opposite affect.  Allowing myself to contact him made me to just be able to let it go.

Baby steps, but it feels so good!